The Amazing Race 4: Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door Edition
by milesyoshidino34
Summary: Thirteen teams of two race through thirteen legs inspired by twenty-five Marioverse mediums. The first team to overcome five dimensions, two timelines, and nine galaxies to cross the finish line first wins one million coins!
1. Ep 1-1: A Dream Come True

_**Author's Notes**_ (12/13/14): Welcome! For the unfamiliar, _The Amazing Race_ is a reality TV competition where teams travel the world to win a grand prize. In this series, the locations and tasks are inspired by the _Mario_ franchise, and the contestants are minor characters from _Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door_, a 2004 title for the Nintendo GameCube. You don't need to be super familiar with _The Amazing Race_, _PM:TTYD_, _Mario_ games in general, or the three previous races to enjoy this story (beware significant spoilers, though).

**IMPORTANT EDIT **(4/27/16): To anyone who's looked forward to me continuing this series, I can't offer enough apologies. It's been fun, but my passion for the _Mario_ fandom has been declining for some time now. I've always been a slow writer, and with so many other endeavors I'd like to pursue, this is one for which I can no longer devote the proper time and attention. Worry not, however. I can guarantee this won't go unfinished. On a rolling basis, I'll post everything I currently have written in its unbetaed, unedited glory. Past that, outlines of the remaining chapters will detail the outcome; you'll basically get the action without the dialogue and description. It's the least I can do, right?

Please enjoy!

* * *

_**The Amazing Race 4: Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door Edition  
**_**EPISODE 1.1: A Dream Come True  
**_**Super Mario Bros. 2**_** / **_**Mario Kart 7**_

* * *

Season 4 opened by panning across a gloomy town of brick buildings backlit by an oppressive full moon and dreary purple skies. Midnight black Crows alighted on gnarled tree branches as ragdoll-like humans, faces obscured in shadow, trudged across dirt roads. Inappropriately exuberant music contrasted this melancholy imagery as brassy trumpet lines and edgy violin runs soared above clashing cymbals and pounding timpanis.

A first-person shot, like something from a shaky camera horror movie, followed someone running through the eastern woods. The camcorder's operator abruptly stopped and panned the surroundings.

"_This_ is Twilight Trail. The moon never sets and the sun never rises in this region of perpetual twilight."

The camera snapped around, revealing an orange Yoshi wearing an impish grin. Lower third text appeared onscreen, identifying his name.

**MILES: Co-Host**

"Creepy, isn't it?"

Suddenly the scene shot past his head, sped through a dark void, and arrived before a stone building reminiscent of a Gothic cathedral. A stoic-faced red Yoshi walked through the wrought iron gates.

**BLAISE: Co-Host**

"And this," he said, motioning to the property behind him, "is the Creepy Steeple. Formerly Doopliss' stronghold and the Ruby Star's resting place, it serves us today as the starting line of _The Amazing Race_."

Another scene change followed an airborne carriage of ebony wood. It landed smoothly in a clearing and opened its doors. The Creepy Steeple's spire was a distant beacon above the sea of conifers.

Miles narrated by voiceover, "The teams are…"

* * *

"Dour and Darkly. Grandfather and grandson, from Twilight Town and Rogueport."

Two Twilighters disembarked, the younger assisting the elder, and walked briskly to a designated trail. Dour, distinguished by his bushy eyebrows and mustache, shuffled stoopingly with a black walking cane. He wore a dull red vest over a purple long-sleeved shirt and black pants. Darkly had a red zipper hoodie over a gray long-sleeve and dark khakis. Carmine red _Race_-issue bandanas were tied around their wrists.

Footage played of Dour speaking at a press conference.

_"I've served as Twilight Town's mayor for over half my life," Dour said in a pre-show interview._

Various scenes showed him signing documents, presiding over meetings, and making public appearances.

_"My career has been a challenging road, and now retirement shines at the tunnel's end. I couldn't picture a better way to close this chapter of my life than going on an adventure to reconnect with my grandson."_

Darkly stood in a dark alley, glowing yellow eyes piercing through the darkness.

_"I like dim places. Not much to say." _

Joint clips involved teatime and a reading session inside Dour's dim house.

_"Yeah. I don't think we're going to win," Darkly said. The camera zoomed out, as if doing a double take. _

_ "We're…approaching the _Race _with a realistic mindset," Dour said diplomatically, "and the philosophy that we're never safe. Pragmatism and vigilance are our tools to get by…and hopefully win."_

* * *

"Dupree and Goom Goom. Bachelors and flatmates, from Mushroom City."

A blue Doogan and a Goomba paraded out. Disco disaster Dupree had a curly pink-purple afro, a shiny white jacket with sleeve tassels and matching pants and shoes, vintage gold-framed triangular shades, and a neon green belt with a star-shaped buckle. Goom Goom rocked a white-trimmed green beanie. Both wore lime green ascots.

A split-screen showed Dupree wielding a compact camera and Goom Goom operating a warehouse forklift.

_"I was doing a docker gig on Keehaul Key when I met D-Man."_

_ "Let me say I was not also zee dock worker," Dupree clarified in his French accent. "Blech."_

_ "We were in the same boat. We ditched that forsaken island pretty quick for one main reason."_

_ "No women," they said in unison._

Awkward music played as they hit a club's dance floor. Dupree butchered his off-rhythm disco moves. Goom Goom's attempted breakdancing took out Dupree's feet, and they crashed into an undignified heap. The other clubgoers stared.

_"We are so delightfully charmeeng!" Dupree exclaimed. "Our corneas shoot passionate lazers of love zat woo _les _filles to swoon at our toenails!"_

_ "What shoots what now?"_

A mournful montage followed of them swaddling in blankets on a couch, gorging on ice cream and pizza, and bawling over romantic movies.

_"When we cash in, all the ladies will flock to us." Goom Goom wiggled his eyebrows. "Maybe some cute foreign babes'll even follow us back home!"_

_ "Our plan is magnifique, no?" Dupree turned and motioned for a high-five. Goom Goom stared. Dupree remembered Goombas didn't have arms and awkwardly lowered his hand._

* * *

"Eve and Podley. Once dating actors, from Twilight Town and Rogueport."

A female Twilighter was helped down by a male Bean. Eve's ensemble was a purple jacket over a lilac shirt and dark violet pants. Her curly ponytail spilled out the back of her lavender bandana bonnet. Podley wore circular-lens glasses, a purple vest jacket over a white long-sleeve, and dark green pants. His bandana hung from his belt like a bartending towel.

Muffled, dated footage played of the couple as young adults—singing, dancing, and reciting lines.

_"Once upon a time, Eve and I were romantically involved," Podley said._

_ "We shared the dream of becoming stars of the musical stage," Eve explained._

A playbill graphic with her stage name, "Purehearted Eve," featured an iconic musical scene.

_"I landed a leading role on Broadshroom for _Phanto of the Opera_, but…" Eve paused uncomfortably. "Podley left me right after."_

_ "…I honestly feared I would only dim her bright future."_

_"Success meant nothing without you, you know. When I lost you, I… I lost my drive to pursue that dream as well."_

_"Believe me, that was never my intent, I…" Podley trailed off and sighed._

Present-day clips showed Podley mixing drinks and polishing glasses at his bar, Podley's Place.

_"Our relationship ended so abruptly," Podley said. "Recently, Eve tried making contact. I finally reciprocated and suggested we do this together. We're hoping this adventure will offer us some closure."_

Eve, her husband, and their three sons went grocery shopping and picnicking together.

_"There truly is no business like show business," Eve said. "Musical theater is a competitive field that pushes your physical, mental, and emotional limits. It's been years since we've been onstage, but I know our younger selves are in here somewhere."_

* * *

"Flo and Maude. Stay-at-home moms, from Twilight Town."

Two Crows hopped out and scurried to the trail. Both wore violet wing warmers that matched their pinup-style bandanas. Polished silver charms reading "Falconet" and "Merlin" adorned their respective necks.

A split-screen of different nests showed Flo and Maude getting their chicks ready for school.

_"I'm the chapter VP of Crow Moms International, a network for stay-at-home Crows," Flo said._

_ "She and all the other amazing members welcomed me with open wings when I was settling in," Maude said._

_ "We've become inseparable friends since! We're nicknamed 'Wilma and Betty' because we're always together."_

They flew with their husbands through the dim skies.

_"We're the community's resident _TAR _superfans," Flo said. "We've watched many seasons and incarnations, so we feel like we know the show really well. Now we're here, and we get to put our knowledge to the test! It's a dream come true!"_

They perched on a branch and conversed in an incomprehensible language. Subtitles appeared onscreen for their pre-show interview.

_"_Caw caw caw caw_!_ _(Sub.: Speaking Crow is our secret weapon.)" Maude said. "(Sub.: We call it the One-Way Mirror because we can gather information from other teams, but they can't do the same to us.)"_

_ "_Caw caw caw caw_! (Sub.: Ideally they'll think we're the wacky comic relief team, surviving by our talons on pure luck alone.)" Flo added. "(Sub.: Thankfully, we're both experienced in playing convincing characters.)"_

_ "It's a risky strategy, but we love this game too much to play conservatively. You never know until you try, right?"_

* * *

"Garf and Gus. Robbo Gang members and twin brothers, from Rogueport."

Two Craws leapt out and raced each other. Both had off-white V-neck shirts, black pants, gray wristbands, and forest green bandana head wraps. For differentiation, Garf's tattered jacket was white with dark green accents; Gus' jacket, the reverse.

They sparred with iron spears. Spotting an opening, Gus full-body tackled Garf, sending them both to the ground.

_"We're identical twins, but we're as different as night and day," Garf said._

_ "We don't finish each other's sentences, and I never know what he's thinking or any of that," Gus said. "But we're still super-tight. You don't watch just anyone's back through street fights and turf wars."_

Robbo leader Ishnail jabbed at a poster: "Take Down Frankie!" Trading dubious looks, Garf and Gus gulped. Ishnail ripped the poster away, revealing the next order of business: "Pay the Rent!"

_"Yeah, we're members of the Robbo Gang," Gus said. "If you've got a problem with that, tough. I don't know what to tell you. It's not like we chose this."_

_"No one sane would choose this life of poverty," Garf said._

_"Right. That's why we're here. One million coins would change everything."_

They snuck through Rogueport's back alleys. Gus jumped and whipped around, rubbing his behind. Garf hid his spear with mock innocence, failing to stifle his laughter.

_"Every day in Rogueport is a fight for survival," Garf said. "Our street smarts are our biggest advantage."_

* * *

"Plenn and Thriff. Shop owners and brothers, from Rogueport and Keelhaul Key."

Two mustached, green-spotted Toad men disembarked. If not for Thriff's scruffier facial hair, tanner skin, tropically darkened mushroom cap, and more toned physique, they could've passed as identical twins. Both wore green vest jackets over pale yellow shirts and multi-pocketed khakis. Shamrock green bandanas covered their right wrists.

An old photograph showed them standing proudly before their new Item Shop.

_"Thriff and I opened Rogueport Square's first shop, the Toad Bros. Bazaar," Plenn said. "For a large part of our lives, we were together twenty-four-seven."_

Another photograph was shown, this time of Thriff and a battered tent.

_"I went on the first Keelhaul Key expedition." Thriff's speech carried light pirate undertones. "Now I own me own shop, the Keelhaul Key Galleria."_

They took inventory in the Rogueport location's storeroom.

_"As shopkeepers, we understand dealing with money and interacting with people," Plenn said._

They passed a flying disc to each other on the Keelhaul Key beach.

_"And as brothers who've gone into business together, we really understand each other on multiple levels," Thriff said._

They cast their fishing lines from the Keelhaul Key dock.

_"This can-do attitude's made us successful business owners," Plenn said, "and it'll serve us well on the _Race _for sure."_

_"Aye."_

* * *

"Swindell and Arfur. Friends, from Rogueport."

A blue Bandit and an orange Doogan with a lettuce green ponytail bounded out. Swindell wore an ocean blue jacket over a blue robe, dark blue running shoes, and white gloves; Arfur, a matching jacket over a white undershirt, cargo shorts, navy blue shoes, and a brown wristwatch. Folded cerulean bandanas covered their foreheads.

Arfur launched Swindell into a dumpster. Swindell hopped out seconds later with some reusable parts.

_"We met on the cold, hard streets of Rogueport," Arfur said._

_ "I tried scamming him," Swindell said. "He saw through it."_

_ "Didn't have anything worth taking anyway. We became unlikely friends, and now we're trying to start a business together."_

Swindell bounded effortlessly across the rooftops. Though with less grace, Arfur wasn't far behind.

_"We've got quick feet, quick hands, quick minds," Swindell said. "I've got the eyes of a hawk, he's got the strength of a bear. We make a great team."_

They crunched numbers and ran comparative analyses by candlelight.

_"We've lived on thievery and deception most of our lives," Arfur said. "Winning the _Race _would fund our venture, turn our lives around, and let us live the future honestly and honorably. That would be sweet."_

_ "We'll do whatever it takes to win," Swindell said. "Lie, cheat, and steal? I won't lose any sleep."_

_"I'll, uh, leave you to that. Just don't break any rules."_

_ "Rules, right. Drat."_

* * *

"Goldy and Grubba. Therapist and patient at the Petalburg Rehabilitation Institution."

A Gold Fuzzy and an orchid-shelled Clubba with a fiery orange ponytail barreled out and released excited battle cries. Goldy wore a golden yellow bandana around one of her spikes. Grubba's was tied over his black fedora's ribbon trim. He wore black sunglasses with a black collared jacket over a gaudy, glittering golden vest and matching bowtie.

Fuzzy Horde leader Goldy made her rounds through Shwonk Fortress. Grubba suddenly bounded out from behind a wall column. She screamed at him to leave.

_"I met this li'l yella ball o' crazy my first day at the PRI!" Grubba exclaimed. "Hit it off real nice! Turned a two-minute how-ya-do into a two-hour talk 'fore I learned it was a li'l lady!" He guffawed loudly and slapped his knee. "Didn't learn her name 'til two weeks later! Yep! She came in that fine ol' sunny day and them nurses said, 'Oh Mistah Grubba sir, meet yer newest patient—' "_

_ "Lies!" Goldy screamed. "YOU'RE the patient! I'M your therapist!"_

_ "Therapeutic stress ball."_

_ "MEEEEORK!"_

A black-and-white montage showed a young, ripped Grubba wrecking other fighters with painful-looking, yet esthetically pleasing, moves.

_"Back in the day, I mixed it up in the ring an' fought my way to the martial arts throne! Wasn't long 'til 'Hubba hubba, here comes Grubba!' came outta every belle's lips anywhere I went! Darn tootin'!"_

More recent footage showed him promoting the Glitz Pit and commentating a match.

_"I stayed in the biz by runnin' the Glitz Pit. Yessiree, that place wouldn't be where it is today if it weren't fer good ol' Grubba…" _

Grubba pushed a wheelchair through a garden. Buckled in tight, Goldy was his captive audience for "The Fight Countdown: Grubba's 100 Greatest Hits."

_"I can't believe I'm stuck with you for a _month_ without the benefit of Honey Syrup or Tasty Tonic sugar highs!" Goldy looked anguished. "This is gonna be unbearable!"_

_ Grubba squeezed her to his side. "That's nice, Goldeen."_

_ "It's GOLDY! Ugh, whatever! At least I'm getting paid when we win!"_

_ "That's the spirit!"_

* * *

"Laki and Mai. Train enthusiasts, from Rogueport."

A green-shelled cloudless Lakitu and an orange-spotted Toad girl disembarked. Laki's awkward gait suggested he wasn't used to moving without his cloud. He wore thick black-rimmed goggles, a highlighter orange hoodie, and orange and green running shoes. Mai's ensemble consisted of a coral orange jacket over a white shirt and black athletic tights. Heart-shaped clips parted her bob cut away from her face. Carrot orange bandanas adorned their necks, train engineer-style.

The Excess Express pulled into Rogueport Station. Laki and Mai swooned.

_"We met at Rogueport Station, where we bonded over common interests," Laki said._

_ "More like common obsession," Mai said. "Trains. I kid you not, we are _total_ geeks when it comes to trains."_

_ "Unapologetically geeky geeks. Non-railfans don't get it. This is a way of life!"_

Meandering through West Rogueport's park, they chatted while drinking smoothies and carrying textbooks.

_"I know the history and location of every major train station in the world," Mai said, "and he knows the specs for every train model ever made. Like, dude, is there not something wrong with that?"_

The Excess Express left Rogueport Station. Laki and Mai swooned.

_"There are eleven globally recognized associations and six annual conventions," Laki said. "I've got over one million posts on the Big Five railway discussion forums."_

_ "I've gotten into flame wars about the OTP, or One Train Platform, of the romantic film genre," Mai said._

_ "I've won medals in amateur railway photography and modeling competitions, and I was second runner-up at last year's Locomotive Bowl: History and Construction of the Last Century and third runner-up at So You Want to Be an Engineer?: Practical Knowledge and Famous Figures. Most of my bedroom's floor space is model train tracks, and I have six shelves of railroadiana. The bottom has four albums of Mushroom Kingdom timetables, organized alphabetically by company and date, and eleven photo albums with eight of just the Excess Express. Above that—"_

* * *

"Swob and Bobolink. Dating on-and-off, from Fahr Outpost and St. Petersbomb."

A Bob-omb and a Bob-omb Buddy plodded to the path. Swob wore a plain raccoon fur ushanka and brown boots, while Bobolink styled an ocean blue Cossack hat and pink and white designer running shoes. Brown bandanas adorned Swob's left leg and Bobolink's golden braid fuse.

Split-screen clips showed Swob shoveling snow and Bobolink cutting fabrics and strutting on a catwalk.

_"I work in snow sanitation, SHA-SHOOM!" Swob said._

_ "I am vorld-famous clothes designer and model." Bobolink introduced herself in a very pronounced Russian accent. "Regarded highly vith peers for avard-vinnink fashion lines. But zey understand not zis relationship vith Svob." Swob's expression tensed. "Alvays ask vhy I not am datink anozer Bomb-model."_

Bobolink brought a mug of steaming hot cocoa to Swob the abominable snow-bomb. He exploded, sending snow flying everywhere…including on Bobolink.

_"Linka is my dear love," Swob told the camera. He sat alone in this interview. "I spent lots on engagement key and perfect dinner, but uh…fizzled out. Did not pop question. Worst mistake of my life, _da_. She keeps dumping me. I must show her I am Bob-omb for her, SHA-WHAM!"_

They cuddled before a fireplace. Swob leaned over and whispered sweet nothings. They were apparently poorly phrased; Bobolink visibly recoiled.

_"I am beauty and brains," Bobolink said. "Svob is brawn and…outside-box zinker. Ve have vinnink tools."_

_ "As long as we do not argue, we are unstoppable, SHA-BLAM!"_

* * *

"Drak and Crimson. Distant cousins, from the Palace of Shadow and Hooktail Castle."

A Dark Bones and a Red Bones marched to the path. Both wore gray camouflage bandanas around their nonexistent necks.

At Drak's signal, a legion of Dry Bones dispersed…and began dusting. Crimson slapped her forehead.

_"General Crimson Chelonii of the Shadow Army," Crimson said in introduction, "Diamond Star defense officer under Madame Hooktail."_

_ "Drak… I directly protected our queen alongside Master Gloomtail…"_

They entered the Shadow Queen's crypt and genuflected reverently.

_"We commanded immense sleeper armies for centuries," Crimson said. "We are excellent leaders. However, we cannot _both _lead this two-person squad."_

_ "Crims… I hold higher rank…" Drak reminded smugly._

_ "Well, I'm older!" _

_ "Hierarchy precedes senility…"_

_Crimson shook Drak by the shell, causing his head to fall off._

They squared off over an archaic chessboard in the Palace of Shadow's library. Chess pieces magically began flying.

_"We are master tacticians," Crimson said. "We shall control this contest from its commencement to its conclusion, handpicking our foes for the final battle. Naturally, we shall be victorious!" She cackled. Drak joined her, and they laughed evilly._

* * *

"Northa and Inngrid. Childhood friends, from Fahr Outpost."

Two Bob-omb Buddies cartwheeled out and skipped joyously to the path. Both wore ultramarine jackets resembling telogreikas and used navy blue bandanas as hair ties for their blonde fuse braids. Northa wore a brown ushanka; Inngrid, a cobalt blue peaked cap.

A split-screen showed Northa arranging merchandise and Inngrid tending her inn's fireplace.

_"Inna and I are close friends and neighbors since childhood," Northa said. "We know everything about each other."_

_ "We grew up taking care of family businesses," Inngrid said. "Now we own them. My guests buy from Nora's shop. Her customers stay at my inn. Very good arrangement, _da_."_

Northa did a triple pirouette and leapt from the camera's focus, revealing Inngrid spinning six plates on poles. Northa reentered the scene on a unicycle.

_"We love Ukiki Brothers Circus," Northa said. "Storytelling and artistry in motion. So beautiful_, da_."_

_ "We are self-taught performers," Inngrid said. "It is fun side hobby. Skills require physicality and focus. Body and mind strong, _da_."_

Northa hummed, stirring a pot of stew. The moment Inngrid stepped into the kitchen, Northa shooed her away.

_"Tourists are like traveling customers," Northa said. "We will always apply customer service concepts. Politeness and patience persuade others to help you."_

* * *

"And Tally and Deyn. Former roommates, from Poshley Heights."

The carriage doors closed behind two brunette Toads with ponytails. Both wore cerise jackets over light pink shirts, black track pants, and rose pink bandana wristbands. Tally, whose hair was longer and darker, wore an orange watch matching her mushroom cap's spots; Deyn mirrored the coordination in green.

A collage of photographs tracked their burgeoning college friendship.

_"We were randomly assigned as roomies our freshman year at Mushroom City University," Deyn said. "It was the match made in heaven! We've stayed close ever since, and now we work across the street from each other! Friends for life!"_

_"Our fiancés are resigned to the fact that Deyn and I already planned our lives together up through retirement," Tally joked. "We selected matching rocking chairs years ago."_

Split-screen shots showed Tally welcoming hotel guests and Deyn pitching Fresh Pasta to customers.

_"On the _Race_, poor communication kills," Deyn said._

_ "She works in sales, I in hospitality," Tally said. "Our people skills will surely work to our benefit."_

They strolled through a mall in designer clothes and chic hairstyles, shopping bags hanging from their arms.

_"Sure, we like our monthly mani/pedi and getting our hair done," Deyn said. "An indulgence in appearance is an investment in confidence! As long as we get good hair days, say nine out of ten, we'll be A-Okay!"_

* * *

The thirteen teams slowly jogged onward in a double-file line.

Blaise narrated, "One of these teams will overcome five dimensions, two timelines, and nine galaxies to cross the finish line first and win _The Amazing Race_."

The scene zoomed out, rapidly panned across Twilight Trail, and faded in to an overhead view of Creepy Steeple's entrance hall. All thirteen teams stood in an arc with the open front doors at their backs. Miles and Blaise stood before them.

"Welcome, everyone, to _The Amazing Race_!" Miles exclaimed with outstretched hands. The contestants cheered. "In just a few moments, you'll embark on the ultimate adventure of your lives! Believe me when I say you'll be doing things you never imagined! Even in your wildest _dreams_!

"This race is divided into thirteen legs, and at the end of each leg is a pit stop. Nine of these are predetermined elimination points. If you check into one of these last, you _will_ be eliminated."

"We've introduced some game-changing twists in the past," Blaise said. "For example, the ever-popular Mismatch Rod defined the essence of the Hazard. This season, however, the Hazard as you knew it is no more."

Reactions varied from surprise to disappointment.

"Several new elements have been added in its stead. One will appear as the prize for this leg: the Express Pass." Blaise displayed a laminated yellow card with a red arrow. "It can be exchanged for the next clue before or during _any_ challenge until the end of the _tenth_ leg.

"While we're talking numbers, as you are aware, there are _thirteen_ teams and _nine_ elimination pit stops. I will dispel any hopes for a 'Final Four Finale.' One pit stop might be double elimination, or one leg might have an elimination checkpoint. It could happen anywhere, at any time."

Several teams exchanged troubled glances and whispers over this unpredictable variable.

"Okay, time to shift gears!" Miles exclaimed. "We're kicking things off with a challenge directly related to you guys! If you'll take a look behind me…"

Multicolored lights filtering through a stained glass image of Doopliss bathed the foyer's rear half in an otherworldly glow. A sudden disturbance rippled the air and, like a flipbook animation, the world's pages instantaneously added new elements to the scene. Seven stone shelves standing parallel to the hall's length were constructed in seconds, and one thousand rotund little origami pigs populated them in the blink of an eye.

"That is your first challenge," Miles confirmed. "Once we give you the word, you can run over to your bags—"

Outside, near the front gates, was an arc of twenty-six backpacks, with a fanny pack and a yellow and black envelope atop each pair.

"—and open your first clue. Your instructions for completing the challenge are there, so read carefully. It's the first of many on the road to glory, 'cause one of you will be the first team to cross the finish line and the winners of _ONE __**MILLION**__ COINS_!"

The racers erupted with cheers, applause, and whistles.

Miles grinned and raised an arm. "Alrighty! The world is waiting!"

Falling into various crouching positions, the teams prepared to sprint.

"Good luck," Blaise said, lifting an arm as well.

"Travel safe." At the last second, Miles added, "Sweet dreams!"

Confusion registered on many faces.

"GO!" Miles and Blaise shouted, slamming their arms down.

The staggered crowd dashed out the doors and collapsed in a chaotic matching puzzle as teams located their backpacks. Leading by a split second, Swindell ripped open the clue.

" 'Find a pig whose color matches the Crystal Star of Creepy Steeple—' "

" '—and bring it to Doopliss' lair in the bell tower,' " Darkly read. Dour frowned.

" 'If you're correct, jump off to enter Subcon.' " The music screeched to a halt as Bobolink glared at the nearest camera. "VHAT?!"

(_~*TAR*~_)

Demonstration shots showed someone browsing the shelves. Minute gradations separated adjacent origami like a color selection tool, but the tinted moonlight through the stained glass windows obscured this detail. Miles narrated by voiceover.

"On his quest to collect the seven Crystal Stars, Mario came to the Creepy Steeple and defeated Doopliss twice to claim the Ruby Star."

A timpani strike accentuated a lingering shot on the star-shaped stone statue bisecting the fourth shelf. Strategic lighting lent it a dull ruby glow immune to the stained glass' color-changing effects.

"In this challenge, teams must find one of seventy ruby-colored origami pigs and bring it to Doopliss' sweet pad for verification."

Several shots highlighted said origami, commonly interspersed among non-red pigs. Rapid shots then flew through the outer corridors, up a staircase, across the inner balcony, and around the spiral stairwell to the bell chamber. Season 1 alumnus Doopliss grinned from his atrociously green rocking chair. Miles stood beside him and held up a ruby-colored origami pig. It spontaneously refolded into a star.

**ROUTE INFO  
A Pig's True Colors**

"Once they present a correct origami, they can jump off the steeple." Beat. "Sounds crazy, right? With Doopliss' help, the Subcon fairies will enchant teams into Subcon while they're in midair."

"Only if I like them! It's not like it's _that_ big a fall!" Doopliss cackled. "Ker-_splat_! Yuk yuk yuk!"

Expository shots traversed various faces of a mystical world, including a grassland, a desert, and an ocean. Of particular note was a lifeless dimension with blackened landscapes and a sky the color of the blue screen of death.

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: Subcon**

"Subcon's a dream world, so it doesn't always follow the same rules as the waking one."

Rapid shots flew down a staggered series of clouds to a red door in the side of a hill. Beyond was a grassland where a mob of Shy Guys, Snifits, Ninjis, Hoopsters, Tweeters, and Subcon Fairies cheered and hollered. Various members posed and held out envelopes.

"Once teams reach the welcoming committee, they'll receive their next clue."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: 'You may submit up to seven answers at a time.')" Maude read.

" 'Warning: The last team to complete this challenge will receive a punishment!' " Gus read.

" 'You have 256 coins for this leg of the _Race_!' " Grubba concluded, brandishing a debit card coin dispenser.

Immediately assuming the worst—a starting line elimination—the teams ran back into the foyer, up three shallow stairs, and into the origami library. Drak and Crimson hung back, observing. Dour and Eve navigated their teams toward the shelf of red pigs.

"I've got nary an idea. Do we just guess?" Thriff scanned the shelves indiscriminately.

"They all look the same." Arfur scrutinized a line of blur origami.

"It changed color?" Mai confusedly moved a pig from one stained glass-tinted moonbeam to another.

_"Everyone reads about that punishment and insanity breaks out," Laki said. "We cram into those shelves, people are yelling, arms are flailing, I'm getting knocked upside the head by backpacks. It's a complete trainwreck."_

Several teams ran out the side doors, arms loaded with origami. The forest green team was the first to reach the room behind the foyer. Three staircases led to three doors. Gus charged up the middle one. He swung the door open and stopped upon seeing nothing but air, only for Garf to unintentionally tackle him off.

"CRUUU-_oof_!"

They crashed face-first onto a cushion in the foyer's rear, crushing their origami. Dazed but otherwise unharmed, they hurried back to the shelves.

"What kind of psycho designed this place…?" Gus muttered.

The cerulean, pink, shamrock green, violet, navy blue, and orange teams sprinted up the right staircase and across the second-floor balcony overlooking the foyer. Meanwhile, the gold and lime green teams ascended the left staircase and found themselves on the opposite balcony.

"Aw dagnabbit, wrong one!" Grubba, upon seeing the dead end straight ahead, swerved back and collided with everyone following him.

"_Sacr__é__ bleu_!" Dupree yelped.

Swindell and Arfur maintained their lead climbing the belfry's spiral staircase. A spring at the top flung them to the bell chamber. They ran over to the pit stop mat and presented their origami. Five remained from the hectic journey.

"These are all incorrect," Miles told them. Behind him, Doopliss' television flashed a red "X" and emitted a buzzer.

"Dang." Swindell cast his wrong answers into Doopliss' bathtub, as instructed. Arfur followed suit. They evacuated the mat, allowing the next team to step forward.

"Incorrect." Miles rejected Tally and Deyn's set.

"Incorrect." Repeat to Plenn and Thriff.

"Incorrect." Repeat to Flo and Maude.

The two-way flow on the belfry's spiral staircase resulted in several near-collisions. Returning teams used a hole in the balcony as a shortcut to the ground floor, dropping safely onto a cushion.

"Incorrect." Repeat to Swob and Bobolink.

"Incorrect." Repeat to Dupree and Goom Goom.

"Incorrect." Repeat to Goldy and Grubba.

"Thought I'd give these blond boars a shot anyway!" Grubba hooted, trashing his answers. "Gold was my color!"

The next team's pig shifted into a five-pointed star.

"That's correct!" Miles exclaimed. "Go, go, go!"

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

"Nice going, Gramps." Darkly, shouldering both their backpacks, tossed their lone origami into the tub. They moved toward a window marked with yellow and red _Race_ flags.

"At least…the despair we suffered…wasn't for naught," Dour said, panting for breath. "Speak of the devil!"

"Nice going, Mayor Dimwit! Oinkie, oinkie!" Doopliss chortled. Dour bristled. "Ready to hear funeral bells as you plummet to your doom? Yuk yuk yuk yuk!"

Darkly stepped between them, expression hard. "No safety equipment?"

"Just jump!" Doopliss snickered. "When pigs fly, I'll get ya to Subcon!"

"I… I don't trust you," Dour growled.

"I spy, with my little eye, this season's first elimination!" Doopliss sang. "You might as well forfeit! You're just swine being led to the slaughter!"

"_That demon placed a curse on Twilight Town," Dour explained. "When Creepy Steeple's bell rang, one of the townspeople turned into a pig. That nightmare wreaked untold psychological havoc and undermined my office. Coming face-to-face with the one responsible was an unwelcome surprise."_

"_I remember hearing about this," Darkly said. "Until recently, I thought it was a ridiculous lie. I can't imagine living it."_

"We'll jump." Dour challengingly raised his cane at Doopliss. "Darkly?"

"Yeah. I'm with you." Darkly assisted Dour onto the ledge. "Alright. One, two, three—!"

A low-angle ground shot captured their soundless plunge, two silhouettes against the off-white moon. _DING-DONG-dong…_ The Creepy Steeple's bell rang, and as its reverberations ebbed, Dour and Darkly vanished into thin air.

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

"Correct!"

Eve tossed their origami into the bathtub, looking repulsed. Her expression blanked when she noticed Doopliss. "_You_…!"

"Me?" Doopliss' grin evaporated as Eve advanced upon him, jabbing a hand into his chest.

"You _monster_! My sons nearly became _orphans_ because of you!"

"Ow! Ow! Hey, calm down crazy lady! Ow!" Doopliss shrank back in his chair. "Didn't get the—ow!—memo? I'm a world-famous actor—"

"What _right_ do you have to tear families apart?! Where are your _morals_?!"

"Geez, it's a—ow!—prank in the past, get over—"

"You thoughtless scoundrel!" Furious tears streamed down Eve's face. "Why weren't you thrown in jail where you _belong_?! No one mourns the wicked!"

"Eve…" Podley was dumbstruck. Production intervened.

_"What he did was unforgiveable, and he showed no remorse," Eve said, shaking with righteous indignation. She gripped Podley's hand tightly. "All I could think about was my three little boys, alone and hungry because _he _turned their mommy and daddy into pigs…"_

_DING-DONG-dong_… The bell's toll engendered a shellshocked look of abject terror from Eve moments before she and Podley disappeared.

* * *

_The Amazing Race: Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door Edition  
~ Opening Theme [HD] ~_

Front and center, the _The Amazing Race_ logo floated before the Mushroom World. The planet slowed its spinning, revealing itself as the _Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door_ game disc. Electric guitar and drums kicked off a high-energy mashup of the show's opening with the game's title and battle themes.

**13 TEAMS OF 2**

A Warp Pipe sprouted through the scene and spat a plane into the sky.

Two Craws hurled their spears past the camera.  
**GARF &amp; GUS**  
The Robbo twins held each other in a side hug and flexed their free arms.

Two Toads sat side-by-side, doodling in sketchbooks.  
**PLENN &amp; THRIFF**  
The shop owner brothers rang up a cash register and flashed thumbs up.

A Bandit pitched a baseball to a Doogan.  
**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR**  
The friends balanced back-to-back atop a gambrel roof.

A Lakitu and a Toad jumped Double Dutch.  
**LAKI &amp; MAI**  
The train enthusiasts made jazz hands at the Excess Express.

A Clubba punted a Gold Fuzzy over a fortress.  
**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA**  
The therapist and patient charged forward through grassy fields.

Two Twilighters hiked through Twilight Trail.  
**DOUR &amp; DARKLY**  
The grandfather and grandson creepily turned their heads toward the camera.

A Twilighter and a Bean sang and quickstepped for a small pub.  
**EVE &amp; PODLEY**  
The once dating actors walked out for a curtain call and bowed.

Two Crows swooped in toward the camera.  
**FLO &amp; MAUDE**  
The stay-at-home moms alighted on a branch and lifted their wings.

A Dupree and a Goomba raised a toast.  
**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM**  
The flatmates posed grandly before a city skyline.

Two Toads waltzed across a ballroom floor.  
**TALLY &amp; DEYN**  
The former roommates twirled and flashed their class rings.

Two Bob-omb Buddies snowshoed across a tundra.  
**NORTHA &amp; INNGRID**  
The childhood friends performed a simultaneous front aerial.

A Dark Bones and a Red Bones played high-speed Shogi with dark magic.  
**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON**  
The distant cousins stomped in unison, snapping their armies to attention behind them.

A Bob-omb and a Bob-omb Buddy kissed under light snowfall.  
**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK**  
The on-and-off dating couple exploded, creating a snow crater.

Faster and faster the montage of places sped, ending with two moonlit figures jumping from Creepy Steeple. A planet-game disc hybrid reappeared with thirteen smaller planets circling it, but in the foreground:

**THE AMAZING RACE  
PAPER MARIO: THE THOUSAND-YEAR DOOR**

* * *

**Subcon, World 1-1**

A funky tune incorporating NES pulse and triangle wave noises accompanied establishing shots of a sprawling grassland bordered by trees. Generating lots of excited noise, the welcoming committee did the wave as the camera backtracked past them, through an ornate red door, and up a broken staircase of clouds.

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Grandfather/Grandson**

The red team appeared near a midair door and fell a short distance to the first cloud. Dour's face rapidly shifted from horror to surprise to awe. Darkly spotted a floating _Race_ arrow and led their descent.

"This feels like a dream," Dour said. He prodded the clouds underfoot with his cane. "Fascinating."

"Where is this?" Darkly wondered.

They arrived at the hillside with the marked door. Stepping through, the Twilighters found their world flooded with color and sound and _life_. An envelope crowd-surfed to them.

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

Darkly projected his voice to be heard over all the rowdy cheering. " 'Welcome to the land of dreams. Make your way to the Twin Rivers and cross them to receive your next clue.' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

Rapid shots traversed the grassy, rolling hills to two rivers running closely parallel to each other. The first had three stationary log bridges spanning its width; the second, much smaller log segments being swept downstream by its current. A pink dinosaur wearing a red bow waited on the far side.

Miles narrated, "Teams must now complete their rites of passage into Subcon by crossing these two rivers."

**ROUTE INFO  
Cross Twin Rivers**

Nimble Ninjis effortlessly hopped across the logs. The waiting Birdo curtsied and unveiled an envelope.

"Once both team members do so, they'll receive their next clue."

A Ninji casually slipped off a log. He unconvincingly yelled for help before disappearing over the waterfall.

"If someone falls into the river, well…it's all a dream!"

(_~*TAR*~_)

"This is 'the land of dreams?' " Darkly repeated. Sunlight from some unseen source illuminated the grasslands. "Send me to the stuff of nightmares. It's too bright here."

Dour called out, "Twin Rivers?" Numerous residents answered, pointing eastward to some raised hills. Dour and Darkly pushed through the mob and, after a lengthy jog, arrived at the first river. Dynamic shots highlighted the narrowness of the bridges and the swiftness of the current.

"Oh, badness," Dour said. "So much for my retirement."

Production outfitted them with waterproof recording equipment and transported their bags to the far side of the second river.

"Would you mind going first?" Dour requested. "Show your grandfather how it's done."

Darkly held his arms out for balance and inched out onto a log bridge. Steadily shuffling forward, keeping one foot in the lead, he crossed without incident.

Dour nervously followed, holding his cane like a tightrope walker's pole. His balance immediately suffered, and his short, lightweight cane did little to compensate. He toppled sideways into the water. Panicking, he swam for land, to no avail. A rainbow appeared as the waterfalls claimed their first victim.

"Whoa. Um. At least we did one task before something went catastrophically wrong," Darkly said. "I don't think Gramps' Life Shroom Insurance covers Kreugerian death. Oh wait."

Dour had re-manifested at the first river's queue in the blink of an eye, completely dry. He shrugged at Darkly, yelled "I'm alive," and retried crossing using his cane normally.

Darkly turned and studied the second river. Log segments frequently drifted by, seemingly confined to two invisible lanes. The distances between the riverbanks and the logs would theoretically force racers to jump three times to reach the other side.

"Here goes nothing." Darkly took a running start and jumped. He landed on a log segment and steadied himself. Glancing at the approaching precipice, he quickly gauged the distance to the next log and jumped again. Unfortunately, he flubbed his push-off and landed in the water. Before he could reach the riverbank, he disappeared over the waterfall.

The next second, he was back at the start.

"Death sure is fast and painless," Darkly deadpanned.

* * *

"Correct," Miles said.

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

"Thank you probability," Plenn said as they dropped four pigs into the bathtub. They headed to the window as Miles rejected Garf and Gus, Dupree and Goom Goom, and Laki and Mai in quick succession.

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Distant Cousins**

All teams had submitted answers at least once except for the Shadow Army officers. They talked quietly as origami pigs displaced from their original positions magically migrated back to the foyer's messy shelves.

_"Diamond, Emerald, Gold, Ruby, Sapphire, Garnet, Crystal," Crimson recited. "A puzzle of our queen's Crystal Stars posed no obstacle to us. However, the unspecified punishment created a dilemma. Everyone, ourselves included, naturally concluded it meant certain elimination."_

"We will not be eliminated first!" Inngrid screamed, throwing a pig to the ground.

_"Our strategy involved non-interfering reconnaissance for the first four to six legs," Crimson continued. "Natural selection would eliminate the truly undeserving. After gathering information, we will align with teams who possess adequate competency for survival, but pose little threat to our victory. We will thus lead an army of pawns to this war's final stages."_

"Fortune may shine upon undesirable teams… We must finalize our plan posthaste…" Drak urged.

_"Losing a valuable candidate to chance this early is inexcusable," Crimson continued. "We decided to cast our nets based on first impressions."_

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Stay-at-Home Moms**

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: I'm completely blanking! Goodness Maude, we should know this! It was hot gossip during The Cursed Piggification!)" Flo exclaimed.

Before Maude could respond, a tap to her mantle prompted her to turn around.

"The solution is ruby…" Drak said discreetly. "Discounting the light, it is outcast from its surrounding brethren…"

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: A free answer? At what cost? Should we trust it?)" Flo asked.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: We have no other leads. I don't see why not.)" Maude replied.

Unable to comprehend their conversation, Drak skulked away. "Vulgarity is the mark of these modern dialects…"

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Dating On/Off**

"I know!" Swob exclaimed. "Maybe church has library we can check for answer, SHA-WHAM!"

"Zat is vaste of time," Bobolink snapped. "Ve know not vhat ve search for!"

"For this." Startled, the brown team turned to see Crimson holding out a ruby-colored pig. "My team located an extra."

"Huh? Vhy ve trust you know correct answer?" Bobolink asked skeptically. "And vhy you give it to us?"

"Accept this on good faith," Crimson replied. "I stake my reputation that this is a valid solution."

Bobolink continued giving Crimson the stink eye, but added the freebie to their other candidates. "Svob, come!"

"We owe you, SHA-PAFF!"

Crimson winced at Swob's volume, but relaxed once it became apparent anyone nearby was too preoccupied to have caught the exchange. She reunited with Drak and, after watching both their targets exit the foyer, they too headed for the belfry.

**NORTHA &amp; INNGRID: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

"We give you thanks," Northa said sweetly. They headed to the drop zone.

"Pretend it is platform dive into glass of water," Inngrid said. "Bombs away!"

* * *

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Once Dating Actors**

The lavender team arrived at the rivers, Eve looking cheerier after the warm welcome into Subcon.

"Is there no safety equipment?" Podley asked. "What happens if we fall off?"

"You respawn here."

Eve shrieked in surprise and whirled around to face Darkly. "You were just over— How did you—"

"I fell."

"You fell," Eve and Podley echoed.

"Yeah." Darkly shrugged. "Almost-death by waterfall isn't that bad. You feel like your stomach will fly out your mouth for half a second. Then you pop up here with no idea how it happened. It's strange."

Dour reappeared behind them. "Eve! Good to see our ordeal paid off for you as well."

"Mayor Dour!" Eve shook his hand. "Yes, silver lining I suppose. Though I lost my temper having to meet _him_."

"Really? Good. He certainly deserved it. Shame I didn't give him what for myself."

"Er, I'm a bit lost," Podley said, glancing uncertainly at Darkly. "I think I heard about this through the grapevine, but—"

"A story for another time," Eve said. "I'd rather not revisit those thoughts right now."

"…Alright." Podley nodded. "Cross these bridges first."

Eve and Podley shuffled out for their first attempts. Darkly glanced at Dour, then toward Subcon's entrance, before taking the third bridge.

* * *

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

"Correct!"

"I still am not knovink vhat zis Crystal Star is!" Bobolink said offhandedly. "Pigs not vear crystal jevelry."

"Now comes fun part!" Swob said brightly, leading her to the window. "I always wanted to fly, SHA-WHOOMP!"

"VHAT?!" Bobolink shrieked in alarm, having forgotten about the magical transfer. "Do you know how far up ve are?!"

"Maybe seven to eight sto—"

"Not helpink!" Bobolink whirled on Doopliss. "Bedsheet ghost, how is it ve proceed vithout jumpink?"

Doopliss sneered. "The wimpy loser's way comes with a two-hour penalty."

"Penalty on first leg looks super bad, _da_!" Swob cut in, pushing her forward. "Do not be that girl, SHA-FOOM!"

Bobolink dug her heels in, squirming about. "Svob! You are knowink I _hate_ heights!" She glanced, terrified, at the view, which cleared most treetops. "I need time to prepare!"

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Oh thank stars!)" Flo shouted, throwing her wings up. She and Maude fell in behind the dating couple.

"One minute to jump, or you crybabies go to the back of the line," Doopliss told Swob and Bobolink.

Beseechingly, Swob began, "Linka—"

"I am not ready yet!"

Behind them, Miles rejected the gold and pink teams. The Crows uncomfortably observed Bobolink shoot down Swob's entreaties with increasing vehemence.

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 7****th**** Place**

"Correct! Just FYI, there's no extra credit for being overachievers."

Smirking, the Shadow Army officers trashed seven transformed stars. "Establishing our supremacy early is recognition enough," Crimson replied quietly. Miles hummed thoughtfully.

The gray team reached the drop zone just as the violet team disappeared silently over the edge in dive bomb formation. Drak and Crimson stabilized their skulls against the bell's sound waves.

"Those women jumped, _da_. Why can't you jump, SHA-WHAM!"

"Zose vere vomen?" Bobolink asked, bewildered. "Vhat _horrid_ fashion sense. Ving varmers are _so_ 1980's. Vait." Her voice turned venomous. "You are comparink me to ozer vomen?!"

Swob gulped. "N-No ma'am." Doopliss furtively made some whip crack noises.

Bobolink took several deep breaths that quickly escalated into hyperventilating.

"Your acrophobia is baseless…" Drak said. "Self-defenestration was quite frequent during—" Crimson stomped on his foot. "Ow…"

"How is deforestink involved?" Bobolink asked.

"Let us jump together," Crimson suggested, dolling her gravelly voice into something vaguely feminine and encouraging. "This minor obstacle shall not impede your quest!" Her aside glance revealed utter self-disgust.

"Very true! Power in numbers will overcome, SHA-PLOOIE!" Swob cheered. His raccoon hat's tail grabbed Drak's hand. Drak looked down at it, disturbed.

"Blegh. Boring," Doopliss muttered.

Crimson, Drak, and Swob stepped onto the ledge and leapt off, pulling Bobolink with them. The Creepy Steeple's bell didn't drown out her screams.

* * *

Darkly nailed his timing and landed on the far riverbank. He collected his team's belongings. "Our lead is gone. Gramps needs to pull through soon."

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Shop Owner Brothers  
NORTHA &amp; INNGRID: Childhood Friends**

"These log bridges don't look like fun," Plenn said.

"I've seen worse," Thriff said breezily.

Thriff, Northa, and Inngrid moved adroitly over the log bridges and hopped across the log segments with ease, clearing the challenge on their first attempt.

"I no understand why they not have regular pedestrian bridge," Inngrid said. "But this way gives more enjoyment."

**NORTHA &amp; INNGRID: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

The Bob-omb Buddies celebrated, accepted the clue from the Birdo, and moved out of earshot. Northa extracted a red folder.

"First Roadblock! 'Who wants the cherry on top?' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

"A Roadblock is a task that only one racer may perform," Miles explained as he hiked toward the camera, "and no racer may do more than eight over the course of the _Race_. In this Roadblock, teams will work with Subcon's most bountiful fruit!"

He spread his arms. The camera panned out, revealing a field of floating—

"Cherries."

**ROADBLOCK  
Pick, Peck, Play**

A Subcon Fairy flew around, putting cherries in a basket. The fruits always appeared in pairs connected by black stems.

"First, they will need to collect five cherry bunches and bring them back to Cherrymaster Casino. They'll trade their harvest for access to its infamous cherry buffet."

Inside a giant red dome, mellow overhead lighting showcased lavish buffet setups covered with everything from pies and pastries to salads and meaty entrées. Every item featured cherries as a prominent, if not main, ingredient. A Shy Guy stuffed his face with pie, oblivious to the mess he was making on the white tablecloth.

"Without using their hands, they must search for special tokens that they will use to score a three-in-a-row of cherries at the slots."

Upon finding one, the Shy Guy dashed over to a Bonus Chance slot machine and pulled the lever. Bells and whistles sounded. He stepped aside, revealing three cherries on the reels and an envelope in the output tray.

"Once they win big, they'll get their next clue. If they fail the odds stacked in their favor, they must search for another token. Not that that's a bad thing. It's an _epic_ buffet."

"PIE!" the Shy Guy screamed, running back to the pie tables.

(_~*TAR*~_)

"I remove Roadblock," Inngrid said. With a saucy wink to the camera, she added, "I like Cherry Bombs."

"I doubt task involves Cherry Bombs," Northa giggled.

"This shown on international television, _da_? Future husband might see!"

They retrieved their bags and headed toward the distant casino.

* * *

**LAKI &amp; MAI: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

"Correct."

"Woo!" Mai cheered and shared a handshake with Laki that resembled two trains passing each other. Laki imitated a train's Doppler effect as they jumped.

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 9****th**** Place**

"Yes!" Arfur high-fived Swindell as they raced to the ledge.

**GRUBBA &amp; GOLDY: Currently in 10****th**** Place**

"Hooo-WEEEEE! Thank ya kindly!" Grubba hurled their answers into the bathtub's growing pile of deactivated origami. He picked Goldy up and bounded through the window.

* * *

For Flo and Maude, both river crossings looked as natural as preparing to take flight; the widths of the logs were more than sufficient for their talons.

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: I'm feeling peckish. I'll do it.)" Flo decided.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: You can do it, Falconet!)" Maude said encouragingly.

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Distant Cousins  
SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Dating On/Off**

"This must be the local Styx and Acheron…" Drak said grimly as they queued up.

Dour suddenly appeared behind them. "This is troublesome. I keep dying."

* * *

The last three teams returned to Creepy Steeple's foyer. Most before them had grabbed ruby-colored pigs by luck, unaware of the large stone hint in their midst. Though tired from repeated trips to and from the bell chamber, the lime green and forest green teams quickly yanked origami at random and raced back out.

"Oh, the statue," Tally said. "Crystal Star. The backlighting keeps it tinted red."

"That _has_ to be a clue," Deyn said. "How've we missed that this entire time?" Within seconds, she pulled a candidate from the shelves. "I think I found one, Tal. We have to hustle!"

_"I'm a hotel receptionist for Poshley Heights' foremost lodging experience, the Royal Poshley Park Tower," Tally said. "On our lunch breanks, Deyn and I trained doing stair repeats to the tenth-floor penthouse. Those workouts thankfully paid dividends in the first challenge."_

"Stair masters! We are stair masters!" Deyn chanted. They breezed past the winded men on the spiral staircase. Dupree sighed admiringly.

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 11****th**** Place**

"Correct."

The Toads cheered jubilantly and hugged before heading to the window.

"This jump isn't my cup of tea, but at least we survived to do it," Deyn said. Tally took her hand reassuringly, and they disappeared with minimal fuss.

**GARF &amp; GUS: Robbo Twins**

"Incorrect."

"What? All of ours are _red_, just like theirs was!" Gus protested. Miles shrugged, but said nothing more. Gus yelled in frustration.

"We must be missing something," Garf surmised.

"No duh!" They hastily retreated.

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Bachelors/Flatmates**

"Incorrect."

"Shoot!" Goom Goom discarded their pigs. "We're the last two!"

"We still 'ave a chance!" Dupree said. "Drop your pack! Zey are weigheeng us down!"

Without the added weight, they caught the twins at the base of the spiral staircase. Gus cursed.

"Crud, we're so stupid!" He frantically unbuckled his backpack and threw it beside the tower door. Garf copied him.

Both teams dropped into the foyer and searched the shelves while monitoring each other.

"We've gotta get this right," Goom Goom stressed. "We can't be eliminated first!"

"There's gotta be a catch," Garf said, closely scanning a row.

Dupree and Goom Goom gathered seven pigs and ran for the door.

"Hurry and just grab something, they're going back!" Gus yelled.

Seconds later, he and Garf gave chase. Both teams ran through the hall and up the floating straight staircase to the balcony, dropping some origami in their haste.

Goom Goom glanced back. "They're right behind us! Run for our future wives!"

The flatmates accelerated as they reached the spiral staircase, the twins several paces behind. Everyone took two steps at a time. Dupree began pulling away, while Garf and Gus made up ground on Goom Goom. He kicked into a last-second push, fending off their advances, and took the spring to the bell chamber.

Gasping for breath, the lime green team presented their four remaining pigs to Miles.

"That…is incorrect."

Their faces fell. Garf and Gus muscled them aside and showed their three pigs.

"That…is correct," Miles replied as one refolded into a ruby-colored star. "You're still in the _Race_, guys."

**GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 12****th**** Place**

"Way too close," Gus muttered breathlessly. He and Garf fist-bumped and made one last trip down the tower to retrieve their backpacks.

_"We fall off a staircase, and then later we have to _jump _out the tower," Gus grumbled. "I HATE heights. Yeah, I know I'm a bird. I'm broken or something, leave me alone."_

_"I love heights," Garf said. "Jumping off roofs gives me this incredible adrenaline rush. I'm really excited for the extreme stunt tasks like skydiving, bungee jumping, or rappelling."_

"You can do this," Garf said. "Everyone else made it."

"How do we know they aren't just hiding the bodies?"

_"If I can avoid heights stuff, I will," Gus said. "But if we hit spots where I can't…"_

_ "I have permission to just push him off," Garf said brightly. He made a shoving motion and snapped his fingers. "And I'll do it, too."_

Gus stepped onto the ledge and shut his eyes tight. Garf climbed on beside him. After several seconds, Gus peeked an eye open and glanced warily at Garf.

"Any day now. We're in a raAAAH!"

Garf flashed victory signs and leapt.

Meanwhile, Dupree and Goom Goom descended back down to the foyer. Flattened origami floating back to the shelves added to the hall's surreally calm atmosphere.

"Gah, we blew it," Goom Goom said glumly.

"Chin up, my leetle weengman. _Les filles_ don't like zee quitters," Dupree said with a watery smile. "Zat eez not us. Let's feenish strong."

They gathered a heptad and returned to the bell chamber. Doopliss stood beside Miles.

"Better late than never. Welcome to the Creepy Steeple," Doopliss said.

"That…is correct," Miles confirmed, indicating a transforming origami.

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in Last Place**

"Unfortunately, Dupree and Goom Goom? You're the last team to complete this challenge."

Recognizing this lead-in, both men lost their bravado. Dupree crumpled to his knees, clutching his heart.

"Zis eez so 'orrible, goeeng out like zis!" he cried pitifully. "Zee farewell entourage does not even 'ave _une demoiselle_!"

Miles glanced expectantly at his Duplighost companion. Doopliss sneered. "What? Not in my contract."

"And I'm sorry to tell you…" Miles continued, "…that you now have to deal with the _new_ Hazard penalty."

"I can adapt my victory speech for zis dreadful occasion," Dupree said, clearing his throat.

"Uh." Miles waved in front of their faces. "Guys?"

"All we saw was a dead forest and a creepy church," Goom Goom lamented.

"You deaf dumdums!" Doopliss yelled. "You're not last-place losers!" He crossed his arms petulantly. "Yet."

Dupree and Goom Goom quit blubbering and blinked in owlish wonder.

"This is how it works," Miles said. "Whenever you check into a pit stop, you'll be checked in one spot lower than you arrived. For example, if you arrive eleventh, you'd be checked in as team number twelve."

Wary relief covered the flatmates' features as they fetched their backpacks.

"However, assuming you survive, you still depart twelve hours from your original check-in time. So, the Hazard only applies to your check-in _position_," Miles emphasized. "The only way to permanently remove it is to come in first place." Clapping his hands together, he concluded, "That's all you need to know. Go get 'em!"

"_Oui_, _oui_! From zis second chance will burst _un_ tale of success!" Dupree exclaimed. Inspired with new energy, they ran over to the marked window…and skidded to a stop. Doopliss sauntered over, shaking his head.

_"We weren't off to such a hot start," Goom Goom said. "We almost became the first team eliminated, like not even an hour in. That's scary stuff."_

_"Our gameplan eez survival," Dupree said. "Eet eez fairly seemple. All we do eez avoid last. And second-to-last. And third-to-last. Erm. Zee surprise elimination complicates zeengs."_

_ "We had a stroke of bad luck out of the gate, but we're humble now. If we play smart and work hard, we can make it to the end, even with this Hazard."_

Dupree clutched Goom Goom for dear life. They made the plunge.

_"For amour!"_

_"For money!"_

Their yells were aborted as they suddenly vanished into thin air. The Creepy Steeple's bell ebbed away.

* * *

**Cherrymaster Casino**

**INNGRID: 0/5 Cherries**

Northa and Inngrid arrived at the casino. Exterior fountains jetted arcs of water high into the air. Wooden bushel baskets were stacked near the revolving doors. Inngrid yanked one out and jogged toward a distant streak of floating red.

"I am cherry picking in dreams," she said. "I wished for experience like this as little Bob-omblet. Winter bushes by Fahr Outpost grow inedible berries. We never picked them."

She admired her first set of large, plump cherries before sweeping them into her basket.

"Smooth and shiny skin. Very pretty, _da_. I do not know cherry taste. It is good?"

**FLO: 0/5 Cherries**

With some difficulty, Flo dragged a basket to her first cluster.

"Remember children, cherries don't float in real life." She held the clue in one foot and picked with the other. "I don't want the dears getting the wrong idea. Some chicks are flighty about flight training."

* * *

Plenn and Podley stuck landings on the far riverbank. They nodded to each other before Plenn rejoined Thriff.

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

"Ahoy, Plenn! Great job," Thriff said. He decided to do the Roadblock, and they jogged off.

**LAKI &amp; MAI: Train Enthusiasts  
SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Friends  
GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Therapist/Patient**

Split-screen shots showed Laki and Mai running east to the Twin Rivers, Swindell and Arfur reading their clue, and Goldy and Grubba descending the cloud staircase.

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

"Old folks for the win!" Podley said as Eve joined him. He read the Roadblock prompt aloud. "I can take this one."

"Break a leg, then." Before they moved on, Eve paused by Darkly. "Good luck, dear. I have faith Mayor Dour will pull through. He's a hardy man."

Darkly nodded, keeping his eyes on everyone's progress. Drak smashed into a log and tumbled into the water in pieces. Poof. He reappeared at the start, fully assembled.

"MY FUSE!" Bobolink shrieked before she too disappeared over the second waterfall. Laki toppled off his bridge, while Mai landed behind a drifting log.

Newly arrived Swindell practically sprinted across a bridge and nimbly hopped to one log, to another, then to the riverbank, finishing on his first try. Arfur mimicked him. Goldy simply bounced across everything.

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

"Yeah, Arfur! Future Bandit in the making!" Swindell high-fived his partner. Arfur volunteered for the Roadblock, and they jogged eastward.

* * *

**FLO: 5/5 Cherries**

"That's five." Starry sparkles circled Flo as she awkwardly lugged her basket along. She arrived back at Cherrymaster Casino's entrance, where the non-participants were waiting.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: That was fast! Great job, dear!)" Maude chirped, joining her. Northa studied them, puzzled.

Flo showed her basket to the tuxedo-wearing Shy Guy doorman. He counted the contents, flourished, and beckoned for them to enter. Past the revolving doors and the short entry vestibule, an awestruck Flo and Maude found themselves in an isolated world of light, sound, and fun eternal. Twinkling lights, swirling murals, plushy patterned carpets, and deep red walls enclosed a paradise where time had no meaning and money flowed like water.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Bless my feathers, this is amazing!)" Maude moved, unwillingly, to a designated waiting area. "_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Everything's so fancy! Oh, these red baize card tables are gorgeous!)"

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Oh, Maude! This buffet!)" Flo squealed giddily.

Sumptious and extravagant buffet arrangements covered with cherry-themed dishes commanded the room's center. An assortment of pies alone occupied two tiered tables. Cherry blossoms and other small cherry-motif encyclopedias further enhanced the lavish displays.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: It's a visual feast! I don't know where to begin!)"

Flo rechecked the instructions. Mouths only. She plucked a miniature cherry-vanilla muffin from a platter and squealed as the flavors graced her gustatory system. She repeated with a mini pumpkin-cherry muffin and a slice of cherry pecan bread.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: My, it's too yummy for words! I'm not complaining if it takes me a while to find a token.)"

**INNGRID: On Buffet**

"Beautiful, _da_!" Northa exclaimed.

_"Fahr Outpost bunkers are identical on outside and like barrels inside," Northa said. "Uniform appearance is boring. Like painted igloo with small fireplace. Casino was opposite of our world. Many colors, sounds, smells. Controlled temperature. Food variety. I want to live there!"_

Inngrid inelegantly slammed her face into a plate of Swedish pancakes, sending chocolate-banana fillings and a spurt of cherry cream cheese flying.

_"Inna does not know good food or home-cooked meals," Northa joked in a pre-show interview. "She serves guests Space Food I buy in bulk. Chewy, powdery, and tasteless."_

_ "They are compact and lightweight!" Inngrid said defensively. "Eat anytime without preparation. Very useful, _da_."_

_ "Extra protein type is our _Race _diet. Big portion of bags. Yuck."_

"_Da_, food is good!" Inngrid said. Food disappeared in bite-size chunks around where her mouth would be, which was smeared by cherry-banana rasin bread pudding and raspberry cherry compote.

_"I have no taste buds," Inngrid disclosed. "It is sad. I do not taste delicious food. I also do not taste disgusting food." In a post-leg interview, she glanced apologetically at Northa. "I wish I did not waste Roadblock."_

_ "You do not worry. I was happy for you."_

Flo wolfed down a piece of cherry cornbread and some mango-cherry-avocado salad. Finally, at the bottom of a bowl of cherry fruit salad, she found a token.

"_Crw crw crw crw_! (_Sub_.: Yay, grt one! Almosh swawowed it.)" Flo enunciated around the coin in her beak.

She scuttled to a marked slot machine and inserted the token, sending the reels spinning. Three buttons popped out. She jabbed them all and got three cherries, celebratory sirens, and a mini-blizzard of streamers and confetti to the face.

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Yay!)" Flo dashed over to Maude. Northa's attempt at eavesdropping failed. "_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: 'Travel on foot to Unun Cave and find an Ace Coin to claim a departure time.')"

(_~*TAR*~_)

Rapid shots reached a nondescript cave. Miles narrated by voiceover.

"Teams must now make their way to Unun Cave."

Overhead shots of the roomy interior showed a floating sixteen-by-sixteen grid of slowly rotating bronze coins. The majority sported an "A," but sprinkled throughout were ones with imprints of the teams' heads.

"Inside, they must search among 256 Ace Coins for one of two with their specific pictures."

**ROUTE INFO  
Ace in the Hole**

On the far wall from the entrance was a board with thirteen coin-shaped imprints. The six top row slots indicated 6:00 AM, while the bottom seven had 6:30 AM.

"These are their keys for reserving a departure time the next morning."

The last 6:30 slot was marked "LAST TEAM." A zoom out revealed a world map and a sign reading "SUBCON" in bold letters several paces away.

(_~*TAR*~_)

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: 'Warning: The last team may be eliminated!')"

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: It's the standard first-leg overnight bunching point, and we're in the lead! Fly like the wind, dear!)" Maude exclaimed. They shrugged on their backpacks, exited the casino, and scurried toward the distant cave.

Inngrid unearthed a token from a bowl of cherries jubilee. She rhythmically stopped the reels and received triple cherries.

**NORTHA &amp; INNGRID: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

"Future husband cannot wait to meet you," Northa said wryly.

"I have something on face?" Inngrid asked jokingly. After she read the clue, they scooped up their packs and hurried out the door.

**PODLEY: 1/5 Cherries**

"These are mighty fine maraschino cherries," Podley said. He found another bunch, picked it, and moved on. "They'd make some nice drink garnishes."

* * *

"Hurry up!" Goldy yelled, hopping around impatiently.

"I'm comin', pard!" Grubba hollered back. He took a moment to steady himself after nearly toppling off his bridge.

Swob landed face-first on the riverbank. He recovered, gathered his team's duffel bags, and cheered on his frustrated girlfriend. Mai also finished and shouted encouragement to Laki.

"You're too slow, old man!" Goldy shrieked. "Come on!"

Grubba bellowed back, "I'll be there faster'n a flock o' gulls at a hot dog stand!"

Swob and Mai burst into laughter, while a startled Crimson and Dour made sudden missteps and pitched sideways off their bridges. Darkly sighed.

"The world's greatest martial arts acrobat's gotcha this time!" Grubba declared, flexing his nonexistent muscles. "YAAAAAAHH!" He used the remainder of his log bridge for a running start and crossed the second river in two bounds, reclaiming his balance with a somersault finish. "That was fer all you gymnastics-lovin' types at home!"

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

"Why didn't you do that the first time?" Goldy demanded. Grubba ignored her and turned to Darkly, Mai, and Swob.

"It's the one, the only, the first test of individual mettle—Roadblock number one!" he announced. The clue-giving Birdo applauded. " 'Who wants the cherry on top?' Super fruits for a super man! That's me!"

"What? Cherries?! MINE!" Already drooling, Goldy leapt for the instructions folder. Grubba maneuvered away and opened it, locking himself in.

"And it's a right doozy! I can already taste the cherry pie!" Smacking his lips, Grubba took off with their bags like a pack mule. Goldy followed, looking irritated.

_"I can't stand Chubba!" Goldy said in a pre-show interview. "Everything's one big game with him, and he fakes old geezer selective hearing! All my cowardly coworkers say the PRI's craziest got matched up, which is the stupidest thing I've ever heard! I'm the sanest Fuzzy you'll ever meet!"_

Meanwhile, the pink and forest green teams arrived and got suited up.

* * *

**THRIFF / PODLEY / ARFUR: On Buffet**

An impromptu pie-eating contest painted Arfur's snout and Thriff's mustache with crumbs and filling.

_"Showy displays of money just seem like a waste of resources," Arfur said. "But I can appreciate that awesome buffet. Best-tasting food I've ever had. Who doesn't like pie?"_

Arfur shoveled the remnants around an aluminum pie tin before moving on to an almond crumb-top cherry pie. Thriff began a new search in a double-crust rustic apple pie with dried cherries.

"I'm surprised no one's working this table." Podley strolled up to the drink selection, bypassing the teas, smoothies, and lemonades in favor of the virgin beverages.

_"I'm glad you at least pursued your other passion," Eve said. "Your mixology tricks looked great back then. They're even better now. Truly charming."_

_"Like a fine wine, I get better with age," Podley joked. "You know, your husband might not appreciate you gushing about me."_

_ "Nonsense. Vigil understands we meant something to each other once." Podley winced. "We're getting reacquainted, so of course I'm going to notice these things."_

"Aha." Podley grabbed the rim of a cocktail glass with his mouth. In one fluid motion, he leaned back and swallowed the cherry mint spritzer, dislodging the token at the bottom. He navigated to the slots and stopped three cherries in-frame.

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

"Bravo, Podley!" Eve joined him. "My, that was fast!"

"My day job served me well," Podley supplied before reading the clue.

* * *

**GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 7****th**** Place  
TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 8****th**** Place  
LAKI &amp; MAI: Currently in 9****th**** Place**

Gus and Tally reached the completion side of the rivers. Laki landed on his side. Unharmed, he got up, wiped his brow, and joined a cheering Mai.

_"Us Lakitus sure have it good," Laki said. "I'm so reliant on my cloud. It's like an extension of me, best friend, and personal vehicle, all in one. Doing the _Race _without it feels like I'm missing an important part of me. I kept forgetting I couldn't just hover over the rivers." He paused thoughtfully. "Did I mention it's my train-watching buddy too? There's this euphoria in the back of my brain, and I'm pretty sure that's my cloud watching the Excess Express without me. If we'd worked on the telepathy thing more, I'd be getting live images right now!"_

Gus and Deyn volunteered for the Roadblock.

"I like cherries, especially on ice cream sundaes and milkshakes," Mai said. "Typical couples' fare."

"Somehow I don't think you're eating them, but," Laki shrugged, "yours."

"Okay." Mai's eyes lit up as she read the task description. She laughed. "Part food challenge, like a major adorable thematic date package! Score!"

* * *

**Unun Cave**

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Stay-at-Home Moms**

The violet team entered the cave and was treated to the sight of 256 one-sided Ace Coins slowly rotating in unison.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: So many shiny shinies…)" Flo said, mesmerized. Maude echoed her, eyes sparkling.

**NORTHA &amp; INNGRID: Childhood Friends**

"You are blocking way," Inngrid said, snapping the Crows out of their trance. She and Northa ran into the heart of the grid. Flo and Maude browsed the periphery.

"Is this ours?" Northa peered closer at an engraved coin. Their heads were totem-stacked in 3/4 profile. "That is us, _da_! We look pretty!" She jumped and nabbed the Ace Coin. They ran it to the rear wall and claimed the first slot.

**NORTHA &amp; INNGRID: 1****st**** on 6:00 AM Departure**

Shortly after, Maude flew up to the departure board and giddily inserted their Ace Coin.

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: 2****nd**** on 6:00 AM Departure**

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Bless my feathers, Florence! We survived our first day on _The Amazing Race_!)" Maude exclaimed. They broke into a celebration of gibberish, raised their wings, and danced around joyously.

* * *

**GRUBBA: On Buffet**

"These're mighty fine eats!" Grubba exclaimed. Pastry crumbs and chocolate smears dotted his mouth. His current course, a cherry-loaded black forest cake, yielded nothing but a dollop of whipped cream on his sunglasses. He moved on to a buttery clafouti and exaggeratedly licked his lips.

Meanwhile, Garf, Tally, and Laki waited outside as their partners scampered about the surrounding fields, collecting cherries.

* * *

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Bachelors/Flatmates**

" 'Allo, 'allo my leetle lovelies!"

All the welcoming committee females shrank away from Dupree, permitting him and Goom Goom to pass much faster than teams before them. Soon they were traversing the hills to the Twin Rivers.

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 10****th**** Place**

"That performance was horrendous. Now our positioning for the Express Pass is likely subpar." Crimson unleashed her frustration on the clue. "Roadblock. It is yours."

"The first Roadblock is the easiest…"

"Hence, yours."

"Nay… All the more reason for the inferior officer to accept…"

Crimson angrily stuffed the folder between the scutes of Drak's shell, Huffing, he swiped it out.

As the gray team departed, the lime green team arrived at the queue and got suited up by production. Darkly counted something under his breath, expression darkening as Dour reappeared behind them.

* * *

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: 3****rd**** on 6:00 AM Departure**

Eve placed their Ace Coin in the third slot. "We're off to a great start! I'm proud of us!"

* * *

**THRIFF / ARFUR / GRUBBA / GUS / DEYN / MAI: On Buffet**

"So how does this work?" Mai laughed, eyeing an ice cream sundae topped with cherries, whipped cream, and mint. "No hands, huh?"

"Just dig in!" Deyn advised. Her lower face was smeared with cherry mascarpone cheesecake. "I checked my dignity at the door!"

Shy Guy waiters replaced half-eaten dishes with new ones. Grubba returned to the buffet and found his dessert area replenished. His next exploration, a cheese-and-cherry strudel, yielded another game token, but he failed to stop on any cherries.

"This here's why I didn't rely on Lady Luck for success in the biz! Only gal that ain't my fan!"

Thriff surfaced from a double-crust cherry walnut pie with a token and hopped the balustrade to the slot machines. He arbitrarily stopped the reels and was rewarded with noise, color, and a clue. Moments later, Arfur rose from a lattice-top cherry-blueberry pie and did similarly. Seeing this, Gus savagely tore through his cherry tiramisu.

_"We're lactose-intolerant," Gus said. "A little bit of dairy and BAM, we're done for. But I was like, to heck with it, and I went at that buffet like nobody's business. My body hated me later, but every second counts, y'know?"_

Gus pulled a glimmering token from a flambéed white chocolate cherry parfait. Streamers and confetti erupted from his slot machine, and he raced his winnings over to Garf.

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 4****th**** Place  
SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 5****th**** Place  
GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

"Nice job, fella!" Plenn clapped Thriff on the back. "By the by, you've got a little something on your 'stache."

"Aye. Rations I'm saving for later."

"What a messy eater." Plenn grabbed some napkins. "Haven't seen this since we were kids. Here little bro, let me help—"

"Cut it out, no—"

Thriff wiggled away, causing Plenn to brilliantly smear pie all over Thriff's face and collar. Nearby racers cracked up, Plenn included.

"Gee, thanks. I've always wanted a pie facial." Thriff sighed good-humoredly and opened the clue.

Within a minute after those three teams left the casino, the Toad girls cashed in. Deyn vigorously wiped cherry torte from her face.

**LAKI &amp; MAI: Currently in 7****th**** Place  
TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

"Cherry red velvet is to die for!" Mai said as she opened the clue. "Ahhhh… This secluded casino would be perfect for a romantic rendezvous!" She gave the camera an aside glance with big doe eyes. "I love the thought of it! I love this place!"

* * *

Goom Goom cleared the rivers and grabbed his team's backpacks.

"Zis is hard!" Bobolink wailed. She teetered the last few feet across the log bridge and looked helplessly at the logs drifting by on the second river. "Svob, how did you cross?!"

"You can do it, SHA-YAM!"

_"Valkink runvay in high heels harder than valkink log bridge in shoes. Zat vas easy part," Bobolink said. "Second river vas givink everyone problems."_

Screaming like a banshee, Bobolink hopped, skipped, and jumped. She crashed unceremoniously onto the riverbank, where her timbre shifted to one of celebration.

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 11****th**** Place**

"Hooray, good job Linka!" Swob cheered. "You visualized and you conquered, SHA-SHACKITY!" They shared a quick smooch.

"Someone must build real bridges. Zat vas ridiculous. Roadblock. 'Who vants ze cherry on top?' "

"Boy, that sure sounds dirty, SHA-POP!"

Bobolink grimaced. "All yours."

* * *

"Departure time on the line and it comes down to chance," Thriff muttered. "Avast!" He tried grabbing an Ace Coin featuring two Toad heads—those of Tally and Deyn. It inexplicably eluded his grasp. "Argh, false alarm."

With only three 6:00 AM slots remaining, the urgency escalated as the orange and pink teams joined the hunt.

"Looks like the pressure's on." Plenn strafed down a row.

Swindell suddenly made a break for the board, followed seconds later by Mai.

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: 4****th**** on 6:00 AM Departure  
LAKI &amp; MAI: 5****th**** on 6:00 AM Departure**

"Yes!" Laki caught up to Mai. They traded double-hand high-fives with Swindell and Arfur.

"Crud, one spot left! Now's the time to panic!" Gus' stomach rumbled in agreement.

"Maybe not." Garf swiped one of their Ace Coins and sprinted to the back wall. Tally quickly found one for her team, but couldn't make up Garf's head start.

**GARF &amp; GUS: Last on 6:00 AM Departure**

"Finally. Now to find a bathroom," Gus muttered.

The remaining two teams were automatically sentenced to the second group.

"Seconds too late. How unfortunate," Tally sighed. Deyn hugged her in consolation.

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: 1****st**** on 6:30 AM Departure  
PLENN &amp; THRIFF: 2****nd**** on 6:30 AM Departure**

"At least we aren't last, right fella?" Plenn placed their Ace Coin. They glanced at the "LAST TEAM" designation and nearby pit stop setup.

"Aye. But there's something amiss with these numbers," Thriff pointed out. "If last is still thirteenth, someone wasn't axed at the starting line."

* * *

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 12****th**** Place**

"Ah, _bonjour_ _mademoiselle_!" Dupree flitted over to the Birdo and flirted. "Did you see? I braved zee rageeng rapidz of love on zee road into your aorta!"

"D-Man, priorities," Goom Goom reminded. "Hazard danger here! Up next we got a Roadblock."

"Say no more! I shall pull us from zis precarious position! _Allons-y_! (_Sub_.: Let's go!)"

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Grandfather/Grandson**

Dour hobbled forward, hopped, and landed on a log. He hopped once more…and fell short, into the river. The rainbow appeared over the waterfall as he landed back at square one.

"This isn't looking good." Darkly rubbed at his temples.

* * *

**GRUBBA / DRAK: On Buffet**

A camera panned up Drak's skeletal body to his head, which was hovering in midair. Sour cherry pudding cake filling oozed down his jaw, but most of the food made its way down. Somehow. He noisily snarfed some cherry meringue bites.

Grubba mowed through a cherry cobbler, then a berry-cherry English trifle, which yielded a token. He hollered and charged back to the slots. Three cherries finally fell into place.

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 9****th**** Place**

"Bam!" Grubba reveled in imaginary applause as confetti rained down, his voice booming over the bells and whistles. "Guess Lady Luck finally surrendered!" He collected Goldy at the entrance.

Goldy stared incredulously at the layer of food caked on his face. "Why is eating without your hands such a big problem for all you people?"

"This here sounds ingenious! I bet my haaaandsome face looks diggety-dang _dynamite_ immortalized on a bronze coin!"

**SWOB: On Buffet**

"It must have taken small army to make all this food, SHA-WHAM!" Swob smashed his face into a pistachio, cherry, and chocolate tart. "Enough here for circus, SHA-CRASH!" He turned his attention to a lattice-top rhubarb cherry pie. "Great for playing tic-tac-toe too, SHA-BLAM!"

* * *

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Grandfather/Grandson**

Dour stepped down from the bridge, loped to the bank, and jumped. He splash-landed in the river again.

_"The mind was willing, but the flesh was weak." Dour fiddled with his cane. "My greatest fear is growing decrepit and becoming a burden to my family. It was a nightmare unraveling right in front of me."_

"My knees are creaking in protest right now…" Dour sighed, frustrated, and looked across the Twin Rivers to Darkly.

_"Quitting and taking a penalty wasn't an option. I didn't reach where I am in life by being a quitter."_

"This is as far as you'll go?" the Birdo asked. Darkly didn't respond.

_"I had to finish. I wouldn't let my grandson down."_

Dour vaulted to a log segment and leapt to the next, balancing himself with his cane. With the precipice fast approaching, he hurled himself toward the riverbank and tumbled onto grass. Darkly rushed over. The Birdo applauded.

"I…I made it?" Dour patted the ground in wonder.

"Yeah." Darkly yanked Dour to his feet. "I'm proud of you, Gramps. We're still in this!"

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Currently in Last Place**

" 'Who wants the cherry on top?' " Darkly stared at the clue. "If I do this, please let it be something that can get us out of last."

_"All thirteen teams did the river-crossing challenge," Darkly said. "Everyone expected the last team to finish the starting line challenge to be eliminated. They weren't. I had a bad feeling. That meant it was probably a mid-leg elimination instead."_

* * *

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 10****th**** Place  
DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 11****th**** Place**

Drak and Dupree extracted tokens from a cherry galette and a cherry amaretto tart, respectively, and obtained clue envelopes.

"Zees buffet eez _tr__é__s_ _magnifique_!" Dupree exclaimed, blowing an air kiss back toward it as they departed.

**SWOB: On Buffet**

"_Nyet_, SHA-DOOM!" Swob's slot machine showed two cherries and a star. "Rigged games make me want to explode, SHA-PLOOM! I am feeling full, SHA-DOOF!" He retreated to the buffet and demolished a platter of tart cherry mini pockets with brie.

**DARKLY: 2/5 Cherries**

"Pickings are sparse." Darkly gestured to his basket. "Most of the closer cherries have probably already been taken."

**SWOB: On Buffet**

Swob dug deep into a sour cherry sorbet, but found nothing. He then ravaged a scoop of cherry-chocolate chunk ice cream and unearthed a token.

"This time's the charm, SHA-CHINK!"

Swob returned to a slot machine and kissed it for luck. He inserted the token, stopped the reels, and took a streamer to the face.

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 12****th**** Place**

"I got it Linka, SHA-BOOMITY!" Swob announced. Bobolink dragged the duffel bags over, and they quickly read the clue.

**DARKLY: 5/5 Cherries**

Darkly arrived back at Cherrymaster Casino just as the dating Bob-ombs exited. They jogged eastward, Bobolink displaying discomfort at the duffel bag bouncing against her side.

"Now that's something, someone just left," Dour said. "We have a beacon of hope."

Darkly unzipped his hoodie and stashed his bandana as he ran for the buffet. He stopped at the nearest table and devoured a chunk of cherry cheesecake frozen yogurt.

"Not there…" Squinting under the brain freeze, he scanned about, as if searching for something.

He made an abrupt beeline for the drink table, awkwardly took a glass in his mouth by the rim, and inverted it. A choco-cherry smoothie avalanche doused him. Undeterred, he wiped the thick liquid from his vision and repeated with some cherry lemonade. His face took the brunt of the acidic splash.

"Gah, agh, ow…" He hissed, holding his sleeve over his eyes. "Not my brightest idea…"

When he recovered, he cautiously took hold of another glass and flipped it. Cherry berry smoothie splattered all over him as a token landed on his face. Relieved, he headed to a slot machine and lined up three cherries.

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Currently in Last Place**

"Stellar job Darkly, we're right on their fuses now!" Dour said.

Darkly, hair and clothes sticky and dripping wet, quickly ripped open the clue. " '—the last team may be eliminated.' "

"Oh, badness. I was afraid of that."

Darkly wiped his face with his bandana and put on both of their backpacks. "It's a cave. That's our element. We just need to get there. Run as fast as you can, Gramps. Like there's a monster after you."

"Like Doopliss with his piggifying spell. Got it."

"Uh…sure."

* * *

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Dating On/Off**

The brown team entered and surveyed the remaining 245 Ace Coins. On the far wall, the departure board already contained ones for Goldy and Grubba, Drak and Crimson, and Dupree and Goom Goom.

"All this floating money, money, money for taking!" Swob exclaimed. "We should take the money and run, SHA-PAFF!"

"Focus, Svob!" Bobolink snapped. "Ve are fightink to avoid last! All zese searchink tasks! Find pig. Find food. Find coin. Ugh!"

Diligently, they combed the first few rows.

"I see Nora and Inna!" Swob exclaimed, indicating Northa and Inngrid's other Ace Coin.

"_Da_, zat stands out. You cover zis half, I cover zere!"

** DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Grandfather/Grandson**

Darkly dropped their backpacks against the cave wall. "Us, them, and last place. Hurry Gramps, this is our chance!"

Though winded, Dour shuffled quickly to the far side of the grid and began scanning. Bobolink suddenly made a break for the rear, Ace Coin in tow.

** SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: 6****th**** on 6:30 AM Departure**

"You found it!" Swob dashed over, spun her around, and kissed her. "Safe to explode another day, SHA-BLAMMO!"

Darkly frowned and regarded the Ace coin tucked under his arm. He looked across the cave to Dour, who'd just located their second one. They shared a look of mutual disbelief and disappointment before dragging their feet over to the board.

_"Age? What?" Dour joked in a pre-show interview, cupping a hand near his ear area. "Age is but a number." In a post-leg interview he continued, "I defied expectations when I finally crossed that river. I certainly surpassed my own. Who'd expect an old man with a cane to do _that_? I'll never forget the moment I hit the other side. It hurt like a dickens."_

Dour placed his coin into the "LAST TEAM" slot. Nearby, Miles took his position behind the mat and beckoned them over.

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Last on 6:30 AM Departure**

"My, how the mighty have fallen," Dour said, resting on his cane.

"I wasn't expecting to be chatting with you two." Miles smiled ruefully. "Dour and Darkly? You're the last team at this point of the _Race_."

Dour nodded resignedly. Darkly stared soberly at his feet.

"And I'm sorry to tell you…that you now also have to deal with the new Hazard penalty."

"What?!" they exclaimed simultaneously.

Miles launched into the same spiel he'd given Dupree and Goom Goom.

_"We dropped from first to last in one task," Darkly said in an individual interview. "Yeah. That doesn't bode well. Another physical challenge might appear when Gramps is by himself. Our days are numbered."_

"We survive to continue the adventure." Dour sighed in relief and hugged Darkly. Unaccustomed to affection, Darkly awkwardly patted Dour's back.

_"Realistically, our chances look rather bleak," Dour said in a joint interview. "I'm under no illusions about my shortcomings. The Hazard and the surprise elimination could be our undoing. But I believe we could become a dark horse. I'm enjoying myself, and I'll fight to stay."_

* * *

After Dour and Darkly's arrival, the full cast was transported to the Village of the Ninji, a secluded settlement in a mountain-enclosed forest, for their overnight rest, allowing Roadblock participants to clean their faces and change clothes. More importantly, the racers finally had a chance to properly meet their competitors.

"It's so great to finally meet you two!" Deyn hugged Northa in greeting. "We've been calling you The Bombshells!"

"We call you Pretty in Pink," Northa said. They double-cheek kissed and giggled delightedly.

"I call all of you gorgeous, honh honh!" Dupree exclaimed with gusto. "I'm—"

"We know who you are," Tally and Inngrid said coolly. They traded surprised glances, smiled, and led their chattering teammates away. Dupree slumped over.

_"Boyfriend? Goodness, no," Tally said. "He staked out the hotel lobby several days in a row. His dedication was somewhat flattering, I suppose. Security escorted him away the day he attempted to woo me with French love songs."_

_"He appeared at inn one night and followed me like light fuse," Inngrid said, shuddering, "spouting nonsense in bizarre accent and bad cologne, _da_. I gave him kick into snow. Could not leave for days. He stood outside like creeper. Very traumatic memory."_

"Hi, my name's Laki and I'm a railfan!"

"Hello, I'm Mai, and I'm also a railfan! It's _not_ an addiction." Mai paused. "Well, maybe it is."

"I don't ever want to be cured!" Laki cried. They broke into hysterical laughter. Grubba joined in heartily. Thriff just looked confused.

Goldy hopped over to Grubba's side. "Someone admit these two bozos. They're crazy!"

Grubba looked at her. Goldy's bulging eyes lolled in their standard cross-eyed look. "You ain't lookin' so sane yerself!" He chuckled and whapped her good-naturedly on the back, sending her flying.

"MEOOOOOoooorrk…!"

_"I'm a big fight fan and Prince Mush supporter," Thriff said. "Grubba was a popular hero back when I was a kid. But the Glitz Pit scandal really ruined his image. He's…a surprisingly likable fella in person, but I can't forget that he's a dangerous criminal. He's gotta go."_

"Vhat?! No makeup kit?!" Bobolink cried in disbelief. "You are unprepared for cameras! Unacceptable! I _must_ fix you!"

Bobolink reached into her duffel bag's side pocket and retrieved a black travel kit. She pulled out some Bombshell Beauty Link™ brand foundation, blush, eyeliner, and a particularly stunning shade of red lipstick, and began beautifying Crimson's skull.

Goldy crash-landed near the group's feet. Neither Bobolink nor Crimson reacted, but Drak stepped in front of her.

"Wait your turn… I am next for this demonstration of modern-day war preparations…"

Goldy stared at him, then at Crimson, who was being transformed into an undead clown.

"I need a drink," Goldy muttered.

_"Our association with the Shadow Queen could unite these lowly mortals against us," Crimson said. "That sliver of our backgrounds shall remain buried."_

"A youth fountain doesn't change that I'm not as young and spry as I used to be," Dour said.

"Precisely," Eve said. "You overcame that physically grueling challenge regardless. Everyone at home will be so proud, Mayor."

Dour and Eve sat at a table. Arfur, Darkly, Garf, Goom Goom, Plenn, and Podley stood nearby, trading modified anecdotes of their experiences so far. Swindell, enraptured by the Ninji troupe practicing stunts in the central clearing, was only party involved in the conversation. Perched above them all, Flo listened and observed, unnoticed.

"I thought you guys were done for," Garf said. "What's the penalty? An extra challenge?"

Goom Goom explained the Hazard's new mechanics in truthful detail, to Darkly's chagrin.

_"We don't want to get involved with alliances," Swindell said. "That's like handing over a knife and painting a bull's-eye on your back. Catch is, two of the Robbo Gang are here. I know them personally, and I know they need the money just as bad as we do. They'd be strong allies _and _strong opponents. Tough call."_

_"I'm not a fan of the Pianta Syndicate-Robbo Gang war," Plenn said. "It's bad for business, especially when my inventory goes missing in the middle of the night. Thieves are a shop owner's worst enemy. I'll try not to let these past wrongs cloud my judgment, but I make no promises."_

_"I see many familiar faces here," Podley said. "I've worked next door to Plenn and Thriff for years. Arfur, Swindell, and the Robbos occasionally visit my bar. Goom Goom was a former regular. Add to it all that Eve knows Dour, and I, Darkly, and our team is the epicenter of pre-game relationships. All positive, for the most part. Question is, how will they impact our race, if at all?"_

* * *

During dinner, the Village of the Ninjis' NEStars, the Ninji troupe that featured in the Twin Rivers demonstration, presented several propless vignettes themed around Subcon's seven worlds. They were a hit with the teams. When they'd finished, the empty stage gave someone an idea.

"Please, Eve?" Mai clasped her hands together pleadingly. "I've always wanted to see a Broadshroom performance!"

"I don't know…" Eve said tensely.

"Please? It'd be a once-in-a-lifetime thing for some of us. Come on everyone, let's give her some encouragement! Eve, Eve, Eve!" Mai gesticulated wildly and soon had everyone chanting Eve's name and clapping or banging the tables.

Relenting, Eve sighed and stood. She pulled Podley's chair out and beckoned for him to follow.

Podley's thick glasses didn't hide his deer-in-headlights look. "Wait, why must I go up with you?" he whispered.

"Remember my part that never was?" Eve extended a hand. "I need a male lead."

"You want to perform from _that_?" Growing panic blanched Podley's face an even lighter shade of green. "Keep in mind there's a reason I didn't share your success."

Everyone had added Podley's name to the chant, oblivious to the history underlying the couple's quiet, rapid conversation.

"There are no biased casting directors here. Just friends, new and old," Eve said. "Do it for me?"

Podley exhaled slowly. He took her hand.

_"I had my reservations about being here, away from my husband and sons, alone with my ex," Eve said. "I was a wreck for a long time after Podley left me. He was my first love, and he represents everything I lost from that stage of my life. I'd found true happiness in my current one. What good would revisiting that pain do?"_

Eve belted the haunting chorus of the most famous song from _Phanto of the Opera_. Her crisp voice overflowed with passion and vibrato. Podley reprised his role from audition preparations in years past, singing the male lines and accompanying on an upright piano.

"It's just so deep, man!" Emotional tears streamed down Mai's face. Laki offered napkins, but her hands were occupied clasping those of Tally and Deyn in rapture.

As the last note faded away, Eve mouthed something indecipherable to Podley. Their audience thanked them with a standing ovation. Eve and Podley joined hands at center stage and bowed.

_"I never performed that song for a live audience until tonight," Eve said. "Doing it with Podley gave me some catharsis I didn't even know I needed. It wasn't Broadshroom, but I'll treasure this memory just the same." She paused, smiling softly. "We reconnected a little on that stage. Our relationship can never be what it was back then, but I'm optimistic that it will be something equally precious."_

Later in the evening, Dour and Eve convened with their partners in a secluded part of the forest.

"I would like to propose a loose alliance," Dour said.

"Oh, I've been considering this possibility myself," Eve said. "Thank goodness we're on the same page. We could call ourselves Team Twilight! Podley?"

Podley's face was unreadable. "...Sure."

The red and lavender teams spent a few minutes establishing foundations before heading back separately to avoid suspicion.

"I don't think casting our lot with the Golden Oldies is good for our game," Darkly said. "They're nice people with great singing voices. That doesn't make them reliable allies. It's too early to tell what kind of racers they are. This is their first time seeing each other in years."

"Is our case not similar?"

"We're blood. They're old flames. It's different."

"Valid concerns," Dour nodded, "but not all teams have the benefit of a preexisting link to another. Eve and I both survived The Cursed Piggification, and I've known her for years. We'd be wise to get any help we can against the Hazard."

Huffing, Darkly closed his eyes. "Okay. We'll go with it. For now."

_"Mayor Dour's jurisdiction partly extends to the Crow community," Maude said. "Our leaders have pushed some policies and regulations through his office, so he knows of our true nature. The threat of anyone exposing us jeopardizes our ability to fly under the radar, so it's in our best interest that he is eliminated ASAP."_

Meanwhile, two other teams privately discussed their own alliance plans.

_"In Fahr Outpost, everyone knows everyone!" Swob said. "Nora and Inna are my childhood friends too, SHA-FOOM! Natural to work together, _da_!"_

"We are Quadrubomb Squad, SHA-BOOM!" Swob exclaimed. Bobolink shushed him.

"You already have name?" Northa said, amused. "Your creativity always gives me laughs."

"We do not chain selves together, _da_?" Inngrid said. "Flexibility is good." The others agreed.

_"Tabloids post Linka's celebrity life," Inngrid said. "She blows up at slight provocation and stabs key into your back. We give her money for new shoe line, but we do not give her trust."_

Goom Goom swayed back and forth in a hammock, eyes closed. On the other side of the wooden hut, Dupree was already asleep.

_"This double elimination won't screw us over," Goom Goom said. "Come tomorrow, we're gonna be the comeback kids. Just watch."_

* * *

**End of EPISODE 1.1**

* * *

Easter Eggs  
\- 1,000 origami pigs acknowledges the Thousand-Year Door and the game's paper aspect. Seven shelves and seventy correct pigs is a callback to the seven Crystal Stars.  
\- In _Super Mario Bros. 2_, collecting five Cherries causes a Starman to appear.  
\- 256 Ace Coins plays off of Wart's 8-Bit Army; there are 256 possible values for 8-bit data units. Two correct Ace Coins per team references the binary digit system.

_**Author's Notes **_(4/27/16): This extended premiere episode introduces the teams without skimping on tasks; Part 2 has the Detour and a second Roadblock. I like nonlinear legs and giving the first boots a "full" _Race_ experience.


	2. Ep 1-2: A Dream Come True

_**The Amazing Race 4: Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door Edition  
**_**EPISODE 1.2: A Dream Come True  
**_**Super Mario Bros. 2**_** / **_**Mario Kart 7**_

* * *

**Subcon, World 1-2  
Village of the Ninji, 6:00 AM**

Early morning light washed over the forest, an ethereal glow dancing through long shadows and untamed undergrowth. Thirteen purple birds dressed like pint-sized genies waited on the village outskirts. In the central clearing, surrounded by a circle of wooden tribal huts, the leading six teams opened their clues.

" 'Travel by magic carpet taxi to Panser Farms.' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

The flightless birds stood atop rectangular red carpets embellished with intricate golden swirls. Each carpet was large enough to accommodate a team and their gear.

Miles narrated, "Teams will ride these Pidgit-piloted magic carpets to one of Subcon's two desert regions."

Extremely rapid shots condensed a journey of several hours into a matter of seconds. Grassy plains and lush forests gave way to sand and clusters of cacti. Overhead shots circled a colorful mecca with Arabian architecture before zooming to a desert farm spanning several acres.

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: Panser Farms**

"Just outside of Al-Hulmathani is Panser Farms. It produces the bulk of the vegetables sold in this region's cities and is therefore despised by children of the Subconian desert. Here, teams will find their next clue."

(_~*TAR*~_)

Eagle-eyed Maude spotted the Pidgits first. Swindell noticed the moms' sudden change in direction and informed Arfur.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: It's like last season's finale! This is going to be so much fun!)" Flo exclaimed, skipping along animatedly.

They grabbed the closest taxi and settled in for the long ride ahead. Shortly after, the others converged on the location.

"This thing can fly?" Gus fingered the carpet fringe's knotted fibers, looking unnerved.

"Better believe it," the Pidgit replied. "Sit back, relax, and let this baby work its magic!"

Their carpet began ascending, aiming to clear the treetops. Gus shrieked and latched onto Garf as if it'd rocketed to light speed. Garf couldn't stop laughing.

Half an hour later, the trailing group departed.

"Who's that there over yonder?" Grubba yelled loudly. "I'm talkin' ta you, ya purty purple pigeons! Are y'all the taxis?"

Goldy groaned exasperatedly as his voice brought everyone running. Her expression tensed further as she watched Grubba, the season's largest racer, board a carpet. "Oh great. You're too big to get off the ground!"

"All Clubbas are big-boned! I'm just packin' a whole lotta more muscle!" Grubba pouted. "This flimsy li'l doormat ain't got a propeller! How's it supposed to fly, anyway?"

The Pidgit stared up at Grubba. "I don't know anymore."

Despite their concerns, the magic carpet rose without issue and joined the rest.

* * *

Richard Wagner's _Ride of the Valkyries_ accompanied aerial shots of the teams flying at various altitudes. Smooth flying likened the magic carpets to helicopters, without the engine noise and an enclosed cabin.

**LAKI &amp; MAI: Train Enthusiasts**

"I'm the queen of the world! Woohoohoo!" Mai stood at the front edge of the carpet, arms outstretched. "This is so rad! Laki, I see what you love so much about flying!"

"Right? I'd gladly fly at this height if Rogueport Airfield ATC wasn't so stringent." Quietly Laki grumbled, "I can see and hear an airplane coming, thank you very much."

"Oh, I can picture it now!" Mai created an imaginary lens with her fingers. "A romantic magic carpet ride under the stars! A heartfelt declaration of love!" She began twirling around dramatically, prompting panic from the Pidgit and laughter from Laki. "Ahhhh… It's just deep, man! I love the thought of it! I think I'm gonna cry!"

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Bachelors/Flatmates**

"Zees flyeeng rug would make a splendid date to woo _une fille_, eh _Monsieur_ Goombanova?" Dupree scribbled flowery cursive into a journal. "Eet eez like seeing a whole new world!"

"Sounds like something from a movie," Goom Goom said.

_"I am a travel writer," Dupree said. "I blog and write for newspapers, magazines, and guidebooks. Zere eez sometheeng special about seeing a place's beauty and shareeng eet with others, no? I love traveling, experiencing zee culture and immersing into zee everyday life, honh honh!"_

"Zese unbelievable sight breengs indescribable feelings to my thoracic cavity!" Dupree exclaimed. Goom Goom quirked an eyebrow.

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Distant Cousins**

"We are founding the Shadow Army's aerial division," Crimson quipped. Against the Pidgit's requests, she and Drak held their skulls over the carpet's edge. "Our surveillance will enable us to preempt the first strike."

"Development of a bone-based missile has been authorized…" Drak said. "Explosive shrapnel shall deliver victims into an abyss of endless suffering…"

They cackled. The Pidgit shuddered, looking disturbed.

* * *

**Subcon, World 2-2  
Panser Farms**

The magic carpets traveled at the same speed, so teams touched down at the farmland in approximately the same intervals as they'd departed. Flo and Maude paid their driver and thanked him profusely before cantering along the wooden fence to reach the clue box.

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: 'Harvest and sort a row of vegetables and then throw them to vanquish Wart.')" Maude read.

(_~*TAR*~_)

Anthropomorphic flowers called Pansers pulled a variety of ripe and unripe vegetables from the desert soil. Two Pansers tugged mightily at a pair of leaves and unearthed a giant smiling turnip. A second wave of Pansers ran uprooted vegetables over to large bins.

"Teams will now get down and dirty with some backbreaking work: harvesting and sorting this year's crop."

**ROUTE INFO  
Farmhand's Life**

Rapid shots sped to a barn's interior. The camera panned up a cardboard cutout of a fat green frog. Cloves of garlic flew by its head.

"Of course, there's nothing like unwinding after a hard day's work! Vegetables are Subcon's most potent weapon, and they have the power to defeat these intimidating likenesses of Wart!"

One forcefully thrown onion to the mouth knocked Wart over. A red Panser shot three fireballs into the air and held up an envelope.

"Once teams topple this mighty tyrant, they'll receive their next clue."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: I'm having premonitions of cafeteria food fights.)" Flo laughed. "(_Sub_.: Remember kids, just because mommy is throwing her food on the _Race_, it's not okay for you to do it at home!)"

A Panser assigned them a row. Sets of labeled wooden crates, much too bulky too carry, were situated throughout the fields.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: No scarecrows, thank goodness! I couldn't work with those creepy things staring at me!)" Flo said.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Time to put our ancient relatives' farming techniques to use!)" Maude said. She grabbed a sprout with her beak, tugged, and pulled free a turnip.

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

"Never heard of a farm thriving in the middle of a desert," Arfur said. "Then again, this _is_ a dream. I guess anything's possible."

**LAKI &amp; MAI: Currently in 3****rd**** Place  
NORTHA &amp; INNGRID: Currently in 4****th**** Place  
EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 5****th**** Place  
GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

Several racers tied their bandanas around their foreheads to soak up sweat before getting to work. The process looked peculiar for the armless Northa and Inngrid, who would squat over and exert apparent effort, resulting in a vegetable popping out.

"I might spontaneously combust," Northa said. "It is very hot." She glanced up. Various creatures patrolled the sky, but there was no sun creating the overbearing sunlight. "We are not familiar with this. Opposite of home. Add water and this is nice beach. I prefer that, _da_."

She stood out as a pacesetter along with Arfur, who easily plucked vegetables with each surge of his broad shoulders.

"C'mon Garf, Express Pass on the line today!" Gus shouted.

"Going as fast as I can," Garf said.

Beak ajar for his gular fluttering, Gus tore down the row toward Garf, who'd started on the opposite end. Several rows over, Laki and Mai were working side-by-side at a steady pace, leapfrogging each other similarly to Eve and Podley.

"It's kinda like pulling weeds," Mai said. "I've dabbled in some gardening, but never with results like this." She held up a winking onion the size of her head.

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Stay-at-Home Moms**

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: This is really awkward on my neck.)" Maude said of their method.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Mine too. We should switch it up.)" Flo thought a moment, and then gripped a bunch of leaves with her talons and flew upward. The momentum yanked out a shallot. "(_Sub_.: Oh, that's much easier!)"

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Bless my feathers, you might be onto something!)" Maude replicated the maneuver. "(_Sub_.: Great thinking, Flo!)"

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Friends**

Arfur finished unearthing vegetables and joined Swindell in shuttling them to the bins. The navy blue and forest green teams also quickly advanced to the sorting step.

"They're ahead of us, Garf!" Gus yelled as he whizzed past Garf with a pile of assorted alliums close to his chest. "Express Pass, bro!"

_"Gus is a workaholic," Garf said. "You need something done, he'll get it done way faster than you could've done it yourself. He pushes himself really hard…which sometimes makes me look like a lazy good-for-nothing. But it's good. We balance each other out."_

"We'll have to make a bunch of trips! Don't exhaust yourself!" Arfur shouted to Swindell, who was delivering vegetables at his usual near-sprint. "Unless…"

Arfur began hurling the vegetables like American footballs toward the bins, aiming for distance. Most landed close, enabling Swindell to focus on sorting.

"Hey, good idea!" Swindell shouted. "We should've thought of this earlier!"

Garf noticed their technique and copied it. Inngrid fetched a lightweight tarp and a survival blanket from her backpack to expedite her and Northa's transport. They loaded several vegetables at once and dragged them to the bins.

"I will not sleep in these until we wash them," Inngrid said.

The violet and orange teams had started gathering their vegetables, Flo and Maude employing tarps of their own, when Swindell and Arfur finished sorting. A Panser peeked into the turnip bin while her colleagues checked the rest. After they all shot fireballs into the air to signal their satisfaction, the cerulean team proceeded to the task's next objective.

"Now to play hero as the mighty veggie vanquishers," Swindell said.

They entered the big red barn. Seven cutouts of Wart in regal wear stood in front of a wooden transverse frame, with a white chalk line ten meters away marking the throw zone. Bubble blowers on both sides added a playful atmosphere.

"Piece of cake." Arfur chucked a kohlrabi. It hit a bubble, became enveloped, and fell through the ground. "Oookay, so there's a catch. Won't happen again."

Gaps between the bubbles were fairly frequent. Arfur pitched an onion and hit his mark, knocking the cutout over backwards with a croaked _ribbit_. A Panser shot a celebratory fireball into the air and handed him a clue.

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

" 'Travel by Beezo taxi to the Phanto Pyramids.' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

Rapid shots trekked to a series of Egyptian-style pyramids, complete with reflective polished limestone surfaces.

Miles narrates, "Teams must travel by Beezo taxi to these pyramids, which're distinguished by the unusual ferocity of the creepy phantoms that guard their treasures."

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: Phanto Pyramids**

Grinning golden masks decorated one pyramid's ground-level entrance. As the camera panned down to the clue box, a sinister red glint flashed in the eyeholes.

"Here, they'll find their next clue."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"We're in the middle of the desert," Swindell said. "Where're we gonna find another taxi? And what's a Beezo?"

They jogged back to the gates where they, along with most other teams, had left their backpacks. The Bob-omb Buddies and Craws entered the barn. Meanwhile, the trailing Eve and Podley began carrying their harvest to the bins.

"I wish for this variety at home." Northa launched a garlic clove with her fuse, toppling Wart by his crown.

"I got this!" Gus nailed Wart in the face with a pointy beet. "Just like a spear!"

**NORTHA &amp; INNGRID: Currently in 2****nd**** Place  
GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

"Why do you flowers throw fire?" Inngrid asked. "You do not worry about burning?"

Both teams read their Route Info and jogged toward the

"This place is the freakin' boondocks," Gus said. "How're we supposed to get taxis?"

"We must hurry, _da_." Inngrid pointed out the approaching magic carpets.

"I have idea." Northa turned to the sky and shouted "TAXI!" several times.

A gray Shy Guy with delicate-looking wasp wings and a three-pronged spear made a beeline for the group. "You called?"

"We need Beezo taxi," Inngrid said.

"You found one."

Confused, the racers traded glances.

"Let me guess," Gus said sarcastically, "your trident is a magic broomstick."

"Uh, nope. How many are riding?"

"We are not together," Inngrid clarified. She and Northa stepped away from the Rogueporters. "Two." In reality, four, counting their recording team.

"Coming right up." The Beezo rapidly flapped his wings, shooting a vibration into the air. Three other Beezos assembled beside him. He gestured to their heads. "Hop on!"

"You carry us?" Northa asked doubtfully. "We have heavy backpacks."

"We can support several times our body weight on our heads," one of the Beezos replied cheerily.

"That makes no sense!" Gus exclaimed.

"This is Subcon, the land of dreams. It doesn't have to!"

Dumbfounded, Gus grumbled under his breath. Arfur, Garf, and Swindell took it in stride and called for more Beezos as the navy blue team ascended on a private mini-swarm.

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 7****th**** Place  
PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 8****th**** Place  
TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 9****th**** Place  
SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 10****th**** Place  
DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Currently in 11****th**** Place  
GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 12****th**** Place  
DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in Last Place**

A couple of minutes after the leaders left, the rear group arrived and rushed the clue box.

" 'Harvest and sort a row of vegetables and then throw them to vanquish Wart,' " Goom Goom read. "Okay D-Man, we gotta knock this out."

"Zee womenfolk love zee sweaty displays of strength!" Dupree honed in on several distant supervisors. "I see some lovely leetle flowers to impress, honh honh!"

Pansers assigned everyone rows. Darkly had dropped his and Dour's backpacks at the gates like everyone else, but he carried two water bottles.

"Make sure you stay hydrated, Gramps," Darkly said. "It's hot and, even worse, sunny. We have to move fast today."

**LAKI &amp; MAI: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

Mai beat Wart with a beet. Laki cheered and high-fived her. They read the clue before returning to the gates. Laki dug a set of railway signaling flags and a lanyard with several assorted whistles from his backpack's side pocket and easily hailed a taxi.

_"We're always interested in the local transportation," Laki said. "You spend a lot of your time on the _Race _traveling, so it's good to know the fastest way to get around. I've brought my fully functional collector's edition train gear for taxi duty!"_

"Hey, could you do a train formation?" Laki asked. "Trains are our thing."

Bemused, the Beezos conferred. The initial arrival turned back to him with a shrug. "Sure, why not."

Their squad ascended in a one-handed Conga line. Laki stood atop the leader's head, miming a train conductor. "All aboard!"

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Stay-at-Home Moms**

Flo clumsily balanced a frowning turnip overhead between her wingtips and lobbed it. The projectile plopped to the floor, not even halfway to Wart.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: It's too far away!)" Flo said.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Let me try.)" Maude added a running start, but a low-hovering bubble intercepted her radish. She yawped in displeasure.

The Crows muted themselves when Eve and Podley arrived. Podley's first try soared between two cutouts, while a bubble swallowed his second. On his third, he bowled over Wart with an onion.

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

" 'Travel by Beezo taxi to the Phanto Pyramids.' " Eve's eyes lit up. "I wonder what we're doing there."

Podley seemed equally intrigued. "Only one way to find out."

They headed for the gates. Flo and Maude continued tossing vegetables with the tips and wrists of their wings.

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Shop Owner Brothers  
TALLY &amp; DEYN: Former Roommates  
GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Therapist/Patient**

"Our crew planted a garden when we tired of Coconuts and Keel Mangos," Thriff said. "This is like harvest day."

Thriff, Deyn, and Grubba were the second group's pacesetters. Thriff smoothly plucked one vegetable after another, hardly breaking a sweat. Deyn, hair drawn back into braided pigtails, matched him with practiced motions.

"I can feel my face melting," Deyn joked. "We shouldn't have bothered with makeup this morning."

_"I'm a brand ambassador and distributor for Pastoad's, maker of the world's finest Fresh Pasta," Deyn said. "I'm all about good food. I grew up on a produce farm, so that challenge really brought back memories!"_

"I'm a one-man pickin' machine!" Grubba declared. "Eatin' all my veggies when I was a young'un made me the fine, strappin' specimen I am today! Darn skippy, I'm stronger than Popeye 'cause I ate more 'n just spinach!"

"MEORK! Who are you talking to so loudly?!"

"I'm doin' my public service do-goodin' fer the day!"

"Do it quieter! I can't hear myself think over your mindless mumbo jumbo!" Goldy acted like a living katamari; vegetables stuck to her fuzzy body in limited quantities. She body slammed the bins to dislodge the produce.

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Distant Cousins**

"Curses…" Drak's forearms, currently gripping a particularly resistant sprout, had detached from his body. He snapped them back into place and finally dislodged a dazed-eyed sweet potato. "This draws my ire… My army would have reaped this land's bounty and laid it to waste in minutes…"

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Stay-at-Home Moms**

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: The other teams are on our tails! We have to get this!)" Flo flapped her wings wildly.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: What if we use our talons again?)" Maude suggested. She consulted the clue again before grabbing a turnip and taking flight. The Panser spoke up when Maude crossed over the line, but stopped upon realizing she hadn't released her projectile.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Just like those old movies Bob likes!)" Maude circled back with a diagonal trajectory and dropped her turnip like a bomber plane. It cleared the bubbles and slammed into the rear wall.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: You're a genius! Maude, I adore you so!)"

They alternated tries until Flo landed a clean hit. Wart fell back with a dented belly, very much defeated. The Crows launched into a crowing and dancing frenzy before glomping the judge and reading their clue.

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: That dropped us to the back of our flock.)" Maude said as they scurried to the gates. "(_Sub_.: I hope we can streak back into contention for the Express Pass, because we need a safeguard against tasks like this.)"

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Bachelors/Flatmates  
DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Grandfather/Grandson**

Dupree and Darkly uprooted vegetables at roughly the same pace, but Goom Goom transferred them to the bins much faster than Dour.

"No hands? No problem!" Two turnips hovered near Goom Goom's body, and he punted other vegetables as he jogged. "I've got some tricks under my hat from my time as a mover."

_"Most of the 6:30 teams seemed physically inclined, Dupree and Goom Goom included," Dour said. "Staying ahead of them was part of our plan to manage our own Hazard, but that wasn't shaping up as an option. It wasn't an encouraging way to start."_

"Tenth or higher at all times," Dour recited. His cane limited his carrying capacity, so he mimicked Goom Goom by using it to whack vegetables.

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 7****th**** Place  
PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 8****th**** Place  
TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 9****th**** Place**

Split-screen shots showed Goldy sitting atop Grubba's fedora and Grubba himself dwarfing two Beezo heads, Plenn and Thriff calling for a taxi, and Tally toppling Wart with a turnip.

* * *

**Subcon, World 2-3  
Phanto Pyramids**

The navy blue team's Beezos circled a cluster of pyramids before landing at one with a flagged entrance. Northa paid all four and persuaded them to stay.

**NORTHA &amp; INNGRID: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

Opening the envelope, she was surprised to find a red folder. "Second Roadblock. 'Who wants to play tomb raider?' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

Miles walked through a torch-lit corridor, scroll in one hand and arm-sized golden key in the other.

"I already explained what a Roadblock is. Rewind if you forgot. Just remember that everyone's limited to eight. In this Roadblock, one team member will enter this cursed pyramid with one simple objective."

A white and red mask swooped through the hallway behind him, phasing through the walls. Miles tossed the key aside seconds before it touched him. The mask relaxed its trajectory and darted back out of sight.

"Escape."

**ROADBLOCK**  
**Solve Pyramid Scheme**

Rapid shots navigated mazelike hallways down to a central chamber decorated with murals of Wart, tapestries of Egyptian cotton, and golden masks all wearing the same disturbing grin. Twenty large golden keys stood at attention on their blades like a miniature army. One giant gray mask presided over the room.

"Participants must obtain a skeleton key and find one of three exits with it still in their possession."

A red snake called a Cobrat slithered into the shot and took a key into its mouth. The camera flashed with static as a distorted sound echoed and a mask lifted itself off the wall, phasing into white and red. Backpedaling shots rocketed to a red door with a keyhole. The Cobrat spat the key at it. A halo of desert sunlight appeared as the door spontaneously unlocked and cracked open.

"If they can do so without getting caught by a Phanto, they'll get their next clue."

Rewind, rewind. In an alternate scenario, the Cobrat tripped…despite having no legs. The Phanto swooped down and full-body rammed him. Both vanished on contact, while the key clattered to the floor.

"However, if they get caught, they'll have to find another key and try again."

(_~*TAR*~_)

" 'The person who sat out the previous Roadblock must perform this one.' I will raid tomb."

"I wish you luck," Inngrid said.

Northa used the pyramid's west entrance and descended a short staircase into an antechamber. Production equipped her with a rolled-up parchment and a helmet featuring a flashlight and a set of mounted cameras.

"I have read about pyramids. They ranked high on my must-see list. I get to explore one. Very exciting, _da_!"

She calmly hopped into a square-shaped shaft and landed in a sand pit. The surrounding hallway was a blend of limestone brick and craggy rock, alabaster tile and compact sand. She unfurled part of the papyrus scroll, revealing a detailed blueprint of the pyramid complete with architectural shorthand and overlapping floor plans.

"This…is not helpful." Nevertheless, Northa kept the map open as she began jogging.

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

"Tomb raider? This has me written all over it!" Swindell exclaimed. He ran his hand over some hieroglyphics as production suited him up.

_"It felt like something straight out of an Indiana Jones movie," Swindell said. "We got to rob a haunted pyramid! Fortune and glory, man! Not gonna lie, I was excited letting my thief side run wild again."_

**GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

"Clue says you gotta do it," Gus said. "Remember, go fast! Express Pass on the line!"

"Yeah. Be back before you know it."

**LAKI &amp; MAI: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

"Whoa, this sounds kinda delinquent," Laki said. "Last time I tried being sneaky, I got gang-tackled in front of my baby and reported on RDM!"

"Think of it as stowaway practice. And getaway practice," Mai suggested. "And burglary practice, I guess."

"Once you've become fully corrupted, you can come to the east side," Arfur said. "You'll fit right in."

Laki chuckled. "I'll give it my all!"

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

" 'Who wants to play tomb raider?' That would be me." Eve broke the page's seal and read the details. She stifled a giggle and showed her mission to Podley. He chuckled.

"Break a leg."

_"One cannot make this scenario up," Eve said. "Podley and I performed a song from _Phanto of the Opera _for everyone on the first night. It's one of the most powerful Broadshroom ballads ever written. But it also explicitly mentions how to avoid a Phanto."_

Eve touched a hand to the stone walls in wonder. "Purehearted Eve is in an actual pyramid. At long last…"

_"I could only hope that everyone was too wowed by our artistry to recall the lyrics."_

"This is a problem." Eve stood at the junction of two hallways, trying to interpret the map's highly technical diagrams. "I don't understand this… Intuition is the old standby, I suppose."

* * *

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 10****th**** Place**

Drak defeated Wart in one shot. The gray team raced back to the gates.

"What trials await us within a tomb?" Crimson mused as their Beezo taxi achieved liftoff.

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 11****th**** Place**

Sweating in his sparkling sequined satin jacket, Dupree raised his hands placatingly as the Panser threatened to shoot more fireballs.

"Ah, my raveeshing rose! Zee 'eat of your flames matches zee passion in my lungs!"

"Let's split before she makes you hot all over. Literally." Goom Goom guided Dupree away. "Priorities, dude!"

Dupree unintentionally scared off the two female Beezos in their initial taxi, but they eventually secured a full unit and departed.

* * *

**GARF**

Arriving in the treasure chamber, Garf regarded its contents with awe and jealousy before rechecking his clue and approaching the keys.

"Here goes nothing."

He picked one up. The master Phanto's eyeholes flickered red as an underling lifted off the wall. Garf turned and ran.

**NORTHA**

"It is cool inside pyramid. Much better than hot desert air. I feel history in halls."

Garf suddenly rounded the corner and sprinted toward her. Northa sensed the malevolence of the mask chasing him and ran away as well.

"That is Phanto, _da_?"

"Duh! Want it?"

"_Nyet_! Keep it!"

After blindly running together through several corridors, Northa veered right while Garf kept straight. The Phanto continued pursuing the keyholder. Northa tore through another passageway before realizing she was safe. She bent over to catch her breath.

"Gah!" Garf felt the Phanto narrowly miss the back of his head.

_"Those keys were booby-trapped," Garf said. "I touch one, my vision goes blurry at the edges and there's this metallic ringing noise. It was really disorienting."_

Deciding to change tactics, he turned, gripping the scroll and key at their bases, and emulated a two-sword fighting stance. The Phanto swooped down through the ceiling and closed the distance. Garf sprang forward and sliced overhead with his key.

Its blade passed through the Phanto like there was nothing but air. Garf's eyes widened.

A split-second flash of black with an afterimage of a sinister smile blinded him before he suddenly crashed hard to the floor. Garf looked around at his unfamiliar surroundings, dominant hand empty. The Phanto was gone. So too was his key.

"What…just happened?"

* * *

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 12****th**** Place**

Due to Bobolink's nagging, Swob's hasty throws hit bubbles four times in a row. His fifth shot lacked power and dropped to Wart's feet, but his sixth, an onion right in the kisser, earned him a clue.

"Ve are last two! Hurry!" Bobolink shrieked. Swob obliged, reading the Route Info in an unintelligible blur of words. "Not pit stop! Ve still have time!"

_"Our relationship is unpredictable snowstorm," Bobolink said. "Sometimes Svob acts abominable and I rezink everyzink. How vell ve do may determine our future as couple."_

After several minutes of confusion, Swob's explosion flagged down some Beezos.

"Vith name Vart, I vas plannink to suggest cryotherapy." Bobolink shuddered. "Vorse zan I zought. Picture nightmare to look at."

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Currently in Last Place**

Long after the brown team departed, the red team entered the barn. Darkly's second throw overturned one of the remaining Warts.

"This is looking grim. We're still playing catch up," Darkly said as they headed for the farm entrance. "I hate the desert."

* * *

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

The Crows couldn't communicate with their taxi without exposing themselves to the other teams. They silently paid their Beezos and unwillingly released them back into circulation. Maude journeyed into the pyramid, while Flo dragged their backpacks to a secluded cactus and alighted on one of its arms.

**SWINDELL**

"That's insane." The winded Bandit leaned against the wall. "Even at full speed, I couldn't outrun that thing."

Once he recovered somewhat, he started trotting.

"First time in a long while I've gotten caught on a job, too. That's a blow to the ego."

**LAKI**

"I'm no architect, but I think I'm seeing the logic here." Laki awkwardly balanced the open scroll on his chest and right arm while plotting his course with his left hand. "I would've figured it out sooner if the map weren't so messy and complicated. The penmanship is horrible."

**EVE**

"Masquerade! Paper faces on parade!" Eve gasped in wonder and took in the main chamber. She reached out to a mask, but stopped and retracted her hand, looking unsettled. "The real Phantos are…rather scary-looking in person. It's much less eerie when you know who's beneath the mask."

She noticed some figures and symbols on the wall.

"Incredible! Our set designers aimed for such authenticity!" She blew an air kiss, smiling fondly. "These hieroglyphics explain how Phantos work."

Eve took a deep breath and snatched a key. The bizarre sensory phenomena associated with it caused her to wince in discomfort as she broke into a run. Another Phanto joined the hunt.

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 7****th**** Place  
PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 8****th**** Place  
TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 9****th**** Place**

Split-screen shots showed Goldy, Plenn, and Tally preparing themselves. Thriff and Deyn sent their partners off with words of encouragement.

"I oughta be doin' this one!" Grubba whined. "I'm still pumped and rarin' to go from the farm!"

"Bite me!" Goldy snapped. "You stuffed your face at a cherry buffet yesterday, you glutton! I wanna have fun too! And it's mine 'cause the clue says so, so nyeah nyeah!" She stuck her tongue out before bouncing toward the marked entry door.

Grubba pouted. "Li'l lemon firecracker can't take a joke."

**EVE**

"All these halls look the same. I hope I'm getting closer."

Eve periodically dropped her key when the Phanto's advances came too close, halting its pursuit. When she picked the key back up, the chase resumed. Eventually, she reached a marked exit.

"I made it!" She tried to insert the key into the keyhole, but it instead disappeared on contact. The door opened, and she stepped out into the desert.

A Cobrat guard handed her an envelope and closed the door again. Eve ran around the perimeter to the pyramid face with the marked entrance, where the non-participants waited. Production repossessed the map and recording helmet.

"Brava, Eve!" Podley shouted. Arfur and Gus traded looks of disbelief as he stood and headed over with their backpacks. "A smashing performance!" The lavender team trekked further out of earshot. Podley handed Eve a water bottle in exchange for the clue.

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

" 'Travel by Beezo taxi to Al-Hulmathani's Shy Guy Bazaar and locate the Doki Doki Panderia for your next clue.' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

Rapid shots raced across the desert to the city seen briefly in the first exposition of the day. Establishing clips spotlighted desert dwellers wearing colorful robes, clustered buildings with Mushroom-shaped onion domes, and tiled streets navigated by karts, motorcycles, and magic carpets.

"Teams must now travel by Beezo taxi to Al-Hulmathani and find Shy Guy Bazaar, the shopper's heaven taking up a big fraction of the city."

More shots showcased a lively marketplace crammed with stalls and throngs of people. A camera weaved through a pack of Shy Guys, Snifits, and Beezos to a green and gold stall decorated with black and white masks. Four humans in comfortable desert clothes beckoned inward.

"They must find the place reserved for a traveling mom-and-pop business from the waking world."

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: Doki Doki Panderia**

Giggling pajama-wearing twins Poki and Piki revealed an envelope hidden in their storybook.

"Here, they will receive their next clue."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"You worked that to perfection," Podley said. "We've claimed the lead."

They procured four Beezos and set their sights on Al-Hulmathani.

**GARF**

Key in hand, Garf sprinted through the passages. He misjudged his trajectory on a sharp ninety-degree turn and clipped his foot on the wall. Again he went down hard, chin slamming into the ground, scroll and key jolting out of his grasp.

_"We must be walking pain magnets," Garf quipped. "We both took several falls, and Gus ended up spending hours getting buddy-buddy with a toilet. If we could go a whole week without a new scrape or bruise, it'd be a new record."_

Garf gingerly fingered his beak's underside. "Oww… I can't catch a break." He paused, noticing the absence of his supernatural symptoms, and eyed the key lying in front of him.

**NORTHA**

"Third time is charm, _da_?" Northa said. "Exploding not work. Clobbering not work. I must outrun."

She charged through the corridors with a snow fairy's speed and grace, scroll hovering at her left side, and found a discarded key.

"I give this try everything!"

Northa rocketed forward several steps and then monitored the Phanto by trotting sideways. She sidestepped its first dive and leapt over the second, her feet clearing the Phanto's tip by inches.

"I must find exit! …Oh!"

Instead she found a dead end. Northa accelerated toward it and executed a spinning wall flip, intending to reorient herself to return the way she came. Unfortunately, she clipped the Phanto in midair and was teleported elsewhere, sans key.

"I like this to be over," she sighed.

**GOLDY**

"These keys are as big as me!" the Gold Fuzzy shrieked.

With the huge scroll adhered to her right side, she tackled a key with her body's left half. A Phanto awakened.

"What're you supposed to be? A bodiless jester? Halloween's months away, weirdo!"

The Phanto flew at her. Goldy dodged, knocking over several other keys.

"Meork! Get away, creep! I'm not afraid of you!"

Goldy lunged, teeth bared, and met the Phanto's next rush halfway. The next second, she was in some deserted corner of the pyramid, key no longer attached. Her face twisted in confusion.

**MAUDE**

Maude literally flew through the hallways, talons clenching the scroll and beak clutching the key. Every so often, she dropped the latter when she felt her pursuer encroaching too closely.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: You are very, very scary.)" Maude told the Phanto as it retreated. "(_Sub_.: Please leave me alone!)"

_"Our knowledge of past seasons can help us if we're facing tasks that share similarities to things we've seen before," Maude said. "I remembered the Season 3 Bloocheep Sea Detour, where ghosts only attacked when the teams were holding the treasure chests. I tried that strategy with my key, and it worked!"_

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Eeek! Out of the fire and into the frying pan!)" Maude swiped the clue and fled. The Cobrat stared after her hungrily.

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: The great Merlin works her legendary magic!)" Flo crowed, wings raised. "(_Sub_.: Great job, dear! The singers left not too long ago, so we can still catch them!)"

They scurried to another face of the pyramid to flag down Beezos.

"How'd those kooky kookaburras finish before us?" Grubba asked. "They can't even talk!" Gus scrunched up his face.

"I forget they're the thirteenth team sometimes," Thriff said. "Anyone even know their names?"

No one did.

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 10****th**** Place  
DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 11****th**** Place**

"Time to be the great Goomdini!" Goom Goom said as he descended into the pyramid. "Hey Crimson, wanna work together?"

"Presently? No." Crimson left the antechamber. Goom Goom blinked.

"Whoa. Ouch." Once he was suited up, he hopped into the shaft and started running. Upon hitting an intersection, he opened the scroll and then immediately closed it. "Maaaan, I get the giant maze Roadblock. Great. Forget finding a key. I don't know how I'm gonna find an exit."

**SWINDELL**

Swindell scooped up a key that'd originally been his and accelerated down the passageway.

**PLENN**

Plenn had the scroll partially unrolled as he ran, key lodged under his armpit. Mistaking the unsynchronized echo of footfalls for his own, he veered into a junction and narrowly avoided colliding with Tally. Both Toads quickly apologized and continued running side-by-side. A pair of Phantos flew after them.

"I cannot seem to locate an exit," Tally said.

"Me neither," Plenn replied. He titled his scroll toward her. "You make any sense of this fella?"

"None whatsoever."

They realized they were heading into a dead end and used their arms to soften their impacts against the far wall. In a last-ditch effort, Plenn flung his scroll, then his key at the swooping Phantos. Neither connected. Tally tried to dodge at the last moment, but was tagged on her foot and teleported elsewhere. Plenn lowered his fists once he realized the Phantos had disappeared. He glanced curiously between his and Tally's keys.

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 12****th**** Place**

"Another Block in Road," Swob said. "Yours, Linka. Raid with force of thousand exploding Bob-ombs, SHA-BOOM!"

"I vill deliver showstoppink performance," Bobolink said.

She strutted into the pyramid, game face on. Her expression fell when the crew fastened the unfashionable bright yellow helmet onto her head.

"If zis is dream, vhy everythink fashion nightmare…?" she muttered.

**LAKI**

"What I wouldn't give for a railway coupling right now!" Laki's focus on his map caused him to miss someone's dropped key as he passed a hallway. "Or a train engine with a slatted pilot to bulldoze these freaky Phantos."

**SWINDELL**

Swindell ran up to an exit and tried to jam the goods into the keyhole, but crashed through the cracked open door instead. He took an envelope from the Cobrat and dashed back to Arfur.

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

"Good work!" Arfur said. They quickly read the Route Info and started signaling for Beezos.

**GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

"Yes!" Gus shouted. "C'mon bro!"

After reading the clue, the Robbos tried recruiting Beezos from the other racers, but were unsuccessful. Gus intercepted the newest arrivals, but Darkly shooed him away.

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Currently in Last Place**

" 'Who wants to play tomb raider?' " Frowning, Darkly handed the folder to Dour. "You have to do it, Gramps."

"I won't disappoint you."

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

"Ho, Plenn! A mighty fine job!" Thriff exclaimed. "You've catapulted us into the lead group!"

"Really?" Plenn noticed the cerulean and forest green teams nearby, trying to hail Beezos. He read the clue to Thriff while throwing on his backpack. They separated themselves from the other Rogueporters and began their own taxi search.

_"Thirty minutes always felt so long on slow days," Plenn said. "I turned that deficit into a paltry sum. Right place, right time, right action. Tides change fast in this game."_

The six Rogueporters assembled enough drivers and flew off in a pack.

**CRIMSON**

Crimson tumbled to the ground in a heap of bones. The Phanto missed her skull by inches. She quickly reassembled herself and reached an exit.

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

"Finally…" Drak said. He and the lone Beezo he'd entertained listened to the clue.

_"Escape was a matter of observing the possessed masks' behavior and pinpointing a weakness," Crimson explained. "No defense system is infallible. Even the most well-designed have flaws. Except ours, of course."_

"I spent far too long searching for the heart of the catacombs," Crimson said. "The Palace of Shadow boasts a far superior layout."

**NORTHA &amp; INNGRID: Currently in 7****th**** Place**

Northa juggled the scroll and key like clubs to escape. Inngrid read the Route Info for her and an appreciative Swob. They proceeded on their saved taxi.

"I apologize, Inna," Northa said. "I took much time."

"You should not worry. We are still in good position," Inngrid said. "Did you see Linka? Swob was worrying."

"_Nyet_. She will be fine. She is smart bomb."

**BOBOLINK**

"AAAAAHHHHH!" Bobolink's startled shriek reverberated in two nonadjacent parts of the pyramid. She realized she'd lost her key and cursed loudly.

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

Tally read the clue to her cheering squad of Deyn and four Beezos. They departed for Al-Hulmathani.

"Masquerade parties will never be the same," Tally said. "A warning for our theater excursions: I'll probably react adversely to seeing the comedy and tragedy masks."

"Yikes. Glad I took the does-not-scar-for-life Roadblock."

**LAKI &amp; MAI: Currently in 9****th**** Place**

While Laki completed the Roadblock, Mai assembled another Beezo taxi with his railway flags.

"Sorry I took so long!" Laki brandished his envelope.

As the orange team took to the skies, a restless Dupree toyed with his jacket. Darkly's aloof expression concealed his nervousness.

"The Roadblock sounds running-intensive. That worries me. Running isn't Gramps' strong suit. He might have to rely on stealth and sneakiness to get out."

Grubba cavorted into the shot and guffawed. "Right up any politician's alley!" Darkly looked at him flatly. Grubba flashed his gazillion-watt pearly whites. "Don't you worry about yer old man! I'm sure he's all fine and dandy! Entertain yer Uncle Grubba now! We can walk 'n' talk, whatever suits yer fancy! Oh, oh! Wanna wrestle?" Grubba eagerly hopped into a staggered stance. "I ain't takin' it easy on ya this time!"

Disturbed, Darkly shuffled away. "It's like Schrödinger's pyramid. Hopefully he's getting close."

**DOUR**

"Won't you show mercy to an old man suffering from several physical maladies?" Dour called out as he hobbled forward. "My poor, aching knees are flaring up something awful!"

The Phanto tackled Dour.

"Hmph. Guess not."

**GOLDY**

Goldy bounced around in a small circle before launching her _devastating_ body mass at the Phanto with a feral cry. She again landed in some nondescript corner of the pyramid without a key.

"MEEEOOOOORK!"

* * *

**Subcon, World 2-2  
Al-Hulmathani**

Noontime found activity levels rising as fairies and all manners of desert-dwellers crowded the streets. Food stalls cooking in preparation for lunch emitted tantalizing aromatic scents. Distant oud music provided a faint underlayer to the indistinct buzz of conversations and shouted advertisements.

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Formerly Dating Actors**

"There are so many people here," Podley remarked. "Businesses must be booming."

Their taxi touched down in the midst of the masses. Podley paid the Beezos while Eve asked around for directions. They navigated to Doki Doki Panderia, where a plump mustachioed man with a white turban, simply known as Papa, welcomed them. His two youngest children gurgled happily and offered an envelope.

"Oh, how darling," Eve cooed. "Thank you so much, dearies!"

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

"Detour." Podley extracted a yellow folder. " 'Pyrotechnics' or 'Pot Techniques.' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

Prerecorded footage played of Miles climbing out from a standard green go-kart. He slipped into the bustling streets, barely dodging a procession of Shy Guys carrying long wooden poles overhead.

"A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. Al-Hulmathani is a living celebration of the thriving arts and culture of the Subconian desert. It's only fitting that this Detour lets teams fully immerse themselves in the famous Party Oasis! Their choice? Pyrotechnics or Pot Techniques!"

**DETOUR  
Pyrotechnics or Pot Techniques**

Papa's older kids managed a daytime firework show. Imajin, a boy wearing a white turban, red vest, and yellow knickerbockers, carried two rockets into the shot. Lina, a girl wearing a purple veil, red top, and purple pants, used a magic lamp-themed lighter to launch a shell into the sky with a muted _whoosh_. Subcon's law-defying properties threw the Mushroom-shaped strobe effect into sharp relief against blue skies.

"Every night, Al-Hulmathani enjoys the unique vision of a different fireworks display choreographer to celebrate the gift of dreams. In **Pyrotechnics**, teams will release their inner pyromaniacs as amateur show designers!"

Rapid shots trekked away from the market to a marked warehouse and wide open sand. The building housed thousands of assorted shells and rockets, as well as a flagged area with instruction manuals and animated photo albums.

"First, they will need to find Sparks Ignite on the outskirts of Al-Hulmathani."

Several rocket rack stations, spaced respectable distances from each other and from the warehouse, were oriented away from the city walls. A Shy Guy crew equipped one with a variety of missiles. Imajin and Lina then approached with their lighters.

"Then, they must design and test a firework show that exceeds two minutes and two seconds and meets several requirements. It must use at least ten different effects, cannot contain a lull longer than ten seconds, and cannot exceed an undisclosed theoretical budget. Oh, and it has to be exciting. Obviously."

To the booming tune of "TAR" appearing surrounded by yellow and red rings, an envelope materialized near a rack.

"If the fireworks show is pleased, it'll give them their next clue!"

(_~*TAR*~_)

Papa's wife, a tall woman wearing a dark blue hooded robe and a blue sleeveless dress, stood at a potter's wheel, throwing a clay vase as tall as she was by adding a series of coils. Several completed beige patterned vases stood in the background.

"Vases are a favored method of long-distance transportation and hammerspace storage in Subcon. In **Pot Techniques**, teams will leave their mark, good or bad, as ceramics craftspeople."

Quick shots traveled a short distance to the tent Mama was working in. A rapid time lapse showed her crafting the vase from scratch.

"Famed pottery vendor Vases Unlimited has an ongoing demonstration and several instructions that teams will follow to transform a lump of clay into a vase with an opening wide enough for their feet."

Mama torched the greenware into a bisque using a Fire Flower, dipped it in glaze, and torched it again.

"After firing their vase to bake out the moisture, adding Subcon-approved glaze, and firing again, teams may enter their finished product."

The camera trekked into a vase, revealing an impossibly large underground room with creamy white walls and a miniature platform Ferris wheel. Floating in the center of it all was a clue envelope.

"Inside, they will find their next clue."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"Pot Techniques sounds more objective," Podley said. "I'd rather not let a self-judging fireworks show dictate our shot at the Express Pass."

After consulting a Snifit, they navigated the masses to Vases Unlimited. Seven manual pottery kickwheels were set up in a semicircle. Guest character Mama sat at the master station, gently applying pressure to her work-in-progress' inner and outer walls. She periodically added water to keep her fingers from sticking.

"I think I understand." Podley rolled his sleeves back. "Vaguely resembles glass polishing. I can mold if you'll spin."

Giant dome-shaped blobs of rust-colored earthenware clay were centered on each of the pottery banding wheels. Eve skimmed over several sheets of supplemental instructions and placed her foot near the flywheel. Podley wet his hands and added moisture to the lump of clay.

"Oh my, this is heavy." Eve struggled against the flywheel's great inertia, but managed to get it moving, which in turn rotated the banding wheel. She maintained its speed with repeated kicks.

Podley stabilized the spinning mound's sides with his hands and dug his thumbs into the top, opening a small crater.

"We need a very wide diameter," Eve reminded him. "Start off with a large opening."

"How do I do that?" He pushed down further and accidentally tunneled straight through to the banding wheel. "That's no good."

Podley removed the clay with a cutter wire and slammed a new batch onto the banding wheel. Eve kicked the flywheel to a high speed, allowing Podley to center and smooth the ball into a dome. After opening the lump, he applied pressure to the inner wall with his hands and gently pulled outward, widening the cavity. Podley then carefully flattened the interior bottom with his fingers.

"That looks good," Eve said. "Ready to move on?"

Eve spun the wheel at a slightly slower pace. With a hand stabilizing either side of the thick wall, compressing it slightly, Podley slowly lifted the clay upward. Gentle ridges appeared in his wake.

"Oh, there's a crack forming on the side," Eve said.

Several rotations later, the top collapsed in. Podley nudged his glasses up with his arm.

_"I've heard stories about ceramics masters who've spent years developing their craft," Podley said. "It's very technical and it requires a good degree of motor control."_

Cuts showed other failures, including a vertical tear forming in the wall, Podley pinching the clay into two pieces during a lift, and an off-center blob suddenly flying into the streets outside the tent. Eve covered her mouth with her hands, stifling astonished laughter.

_"Not to mention patience…which runs counter to the urgency of the _Race_."_

"I was never intimately involved with set design," Podley said sheepishly.

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Wet clay would goop up our wings. Pyrotechnics it is.)" Flo decided.

Tweeters gave them directions. The Crows weaved through the crowds, which thinned as they approached the city walls.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: We're setting off fireworks in our first Detour. This is crazy!)" Maude laughed.

Beyond Al-Hulmathani's star- and mushroom-imprinted ramparts, the horizon was lined by desert hills and rugged rock formations. Flo and Maude entered Sparks Ignite and gawked at the pallets, shelves, and bins stocked full with fireworks. Signs with cautionary phrases like "NO SMOKING!" and "NO OPEN FLAMES!" were interspersed among the overhead aisle markers. Ironically, the only employees in sight were Sparks, Pansers, and Red Birdos—species that posed significant fire hazards.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: It's like your friendly neighborhood fireworks market. A daily celebration's yours for the making in aisle three!)" Flo joked.

In the marked instructional area, they leafed through the warning pamphlet, advanced instructions manual, and fireworks specifications album. Each page of the album included a name, animation of the effect, approximate elapsed time from launch to explosion, and general use practices.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: This says our recommended number of fireworks is at least a hundred.)" Flo said, referencing their clue's supplemental guidelines. "(_Sub_.: We definitely need to get it right on our first try.)"

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Right. We should consider how portable our selections are. I think we're carrying them a good distance, and there aren't any shopping carts in sight.)"

"_Being able to fly is awesome," Flo said. "I wake up every morning and think, 'It's great to be a crow!' Well, until I remember my fledgling's on a regurgitated insect diet. I'll never get used to that. But I digress! We came into this knowing that our anatomy could be a help or a hindrance on certain challenges."_

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Our show has to be all rockets.)" Maude reported. "(_Sub_.: They're the only thing we can carry. The shells are too heavy.)"

They loaded a tarp with rockets and, gripping its corners with their talons, lifted it into the air. Several fell out after they flew a few feet, forcing them to land and reload.

_"Statistically speaking, Toads and Koopa variants have represented well on the _Race_," Maude said. "They're endowed with speed, strength, and opposable thumbs. We don't have those. Exploiting our strengths and working around what our bodies lack will be crucial to our success."_

Once outside, they claimed the closest set of racks and dumped their backpacks and rockets.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: One thing at a time.)" Maude said. "(_Sub_.: We'll gather everything first, then set it up together.)"

* * *

**DOUR**

Dour had tucked the large scroll under his cane arm and held the key in his other hand. He dallied too long at a junction and was again caught by a Phanto.

"Tarnations and diddley-dangits…"

**GOOM GOOM**

"There's nothing here!"

_"I swear I was going in circles. By the time I found the main room, all the keys had been carried out. I was freaking out that the pit stop was coming up. The Hazard had me desperate."_

He found his first key in the possession of a competitor.

"Hey Bobbie," he called out, chasing after her, "can we work together? Please!"

"Vhat?" Bobolink glanced back.

Goom Goom suddenly shrieked at the sensation of something frigid and metallic passing through his body. The Phanto had passed through him, but he wasn't teleported away because he wasn't holding its key.

"Wh-What was _that_?!" Goom Goom cried, teeth chattering. "I feel so _violated_!"

"Zat vas Phanto. It haunts key. Very rude."

"I'm not staying in here with that! We only need one key for the door, right?! Please help me, please!"

"Fine. Ve play hot potato. Catch." Bobolink tossed the key to Goom Goom, causing the Phanto to whiff her speckled burgundy shemagh scarf. Goom Goom shrieked again and immediately hurled it, forcing Bobolink to backtrack. She muttered under her breath.

Like a passing drill, they sporadically tossed the key back and forth as they ran. The constant exchanges staved off the Phanto's approach, as if it needed time to recalibrate its homing capabilities.

"Yes! An exit!" Goom Goom shouted in relief.

On her next turn, Bobolink kept the key and sprinted forward. She fumbled to align it with the lock, but to her surprise, the key simply vanished on contact. To Goom Goom's eyes, Bobolink and the key disappeared through a closed door. He howled in frustration and hurried back into the pyramid's depths.

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 10****th**** Place**

"You did it! Good job, SHA-POW!" Swob leaned in to peck Bobolink on the cheek as she read the clue. He had reassembled a Beezo taxi, allowing them to leave quickly.

** DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Currently in 11****th**** Place**

Dour found his grandson standing in the pyramid's shadow in the company of four Beezos. Darkly traded the clue for a water bottle.

"You passed a couple of people," Darkly said as he took out the Route Info. "Good job, Gramps."

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 12****th**** Place**

" 'Bout time! I was considerin' sendin' a search 'n' rescue team!" Grubba said. "Didja get lost?"

"As if!" Goldy scoffed. "I had a sicko pervert chasing me!" Grubba peeked over at Dupree, confused. "I had to make some detours to make it drop its stupid game of tag!"

"Welp, that's acceptable I s'pose, but we're second-to-last. That ain't good. We gotta make somethin' flashy happen!"

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in Last Place**

Screaming hysterically, a disheveled Goom Goom scampered out of the pyramid and slammed the door shut behind him. He noticed the Cobrat, composed himself, accepted the clue, and rejoined Dupree.

"We're in last after I went through all that?! This sucks!" They hailed a Beezo squadron.

_"I guess if I were in Bobolink's shoes, I wouldn't've helped me out either," Goom Goom said. "But I'm pretty sure she came up with that plan on the fly, taking me along for the ride and then dumping me at the last second. Girl's here to play."_

"Wouldn't be the first time a girl led me on," he muttered. Dupree patted his head consolingly.

"Keep zee 'ope alive, _mon ami_! Zee closed 'eart cannot accept zee blood-pumpeeng nourishment of _amour_!"

Goom Goom sweatdropped.

* * *

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 3****rd**** Place  
GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 4****th**** Place  
SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

"There's only one true choice here," Thriff proclaimed. "Fireworks!"

"Fireworks!" Plenn agreed.

The east Rogueporters expressed similar enthusiasm. They arrived as a pack at Sparks Ignite, where Gus balked at all the reading material and convinced Garf to skip straight to the show.

"They're fireworks. How hard could it be?" Gus said, loading Garf's arms with shells from the display closest to the door. "Light 'em up and shoot 'em off, and snap-crackle-pop, instant crowd-pleaser!"

Swindell and Arfur skimmed through everything once before jogging through the aisles. Near the warehouse's rear, they found several pallets of cake fireworks. Each cube contained ten to fifty tubes connected by a single high-speed fuse. Several larger ones were nearby, including some finale cakes too heavy and bulky to carry by hand.

"These look awesome!" Swindell whistled. "Fifty shots, one trip. Whaddya say, big guy?"

"Sounds like a plan," Arfur said, grinning. "Let's do it!" He lifted and shouldered the weight of a cake, with Swindell providing support as they speed-walked toward the entrance.

_"We've never worked together on anything like this before," Arfur said. "I think we're still adjusting and figuring out our roles in the partnership. I can tell we're still thinking on the same wavelength, which is great. We need some constants with all the craziness."_

Meanwhile, Plenn skimmed through the album and scribbled calculations with his trusty blue pencil. Thriff cross-referenced the manual and jotted down notes.

"Don't go overboard with detail, aye?" Thriff reminded. "Doesn't need to be a masterpiece, just passable."

"Just making sure we'll get it on our first go," Plenn said.

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Stay-at-Home Moms**

The Crows awkwardly carried an additional rocket each in their beaks.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: My mouth's going to be sore tomorrow, but it'll be worth it if we win the Express Pass.)" Maude said. "(_Sub_.: We're aiming for higher than the suggested hundred for safety, so we still have quite a few trips left.)"

They passed by the cake-carrying Swindell and Arfur.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: So much for our lead.)" Flo grumbled, grimacing in displeasure.

* * *

**NORTHA &amp; INNGRID: Currently in 6****th**** Place  
DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 7****th**** Place  
TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

Flash cuts showed the bombs and bones choosing Pyrotechnics; the shrooms, Pot Techniques.

"This lively market atmosphere is captivating," Tally said. "I'd love to return at a less harried time to explore."

"Right? We could take a day trip with the girls to flex our haggling muscles and partake in this great-smelling exotic cuisine!" Deyn said. "It'd be so much fun!"

They entered Vases Unlimited and invested some time observing.

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Once Dating Actors**

After several false starts, Podley molded a solid base. He flattened the growing vase's top, laid on a thick pre-prepared clay coil, and smoothed it on with his hands. Repeating this process steadily added height to their vase.

"We're making good progress," Eve said.

* * *

**LAKI &amp; MAI: Currently in 9****th**** Place**

"Ahhhh… There's something so beautifully poignant about a tender first kiss underneath a sky illuminated by celebratory fireworks!" Mai gushed. "Let's put on a show for budding romances everywhere with Pyrotechnics! Woo!"

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Currently in 10****th**** Place**

"If it were nighttime, Pyrotechnics would be a no-brainer," Darkly said.

"I've been running around all day, Darkly. I would be of little help setting up a fireworks show," Dour said. "In Pot Techniques, we stay in one place."

Darkly relented. As they ventured in search of Vases Unlimited, he muttered, "With a name like Pot Techniques I expected something less family-friendly…"

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 11****th**** Place**

"I _am_ firework," Bobolink purred. She winked at the camera and struck a pose that jangled her arrow-shaped golden fringe earrings. "Pyrotechnics. Naturally."

"We get to explode fireworks, SHA-BLAMMO! My heart is bursting with joy, SHA-KRACKITY!"

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 12****th**** Place**

"I'm a firework, a star, and sunshine supreme!" Grubba blinded the camera with his thousand-watt smile. "We're doin' Pyrotechnics! Naturally!"

"You loonies are letting these loonies shoot fireworks?!" Goldy screamed. "We're all doomed!"

* * *

**NORTHA &amp; INNGRID: Childhood Friends**

The Bob-omb Buddies again employed survival gear from their packs as makeshift carriers. They dropped the load at their racks and raced back to the warehouse.

_"This is first time traveling anywhere," Northa said. "We are on _Race _for fun new experiences! Fahr Outpost does not have fireworks. Making show for desert city was special once-in-lifetime opportunity. Our gift to give thanks for sharing Subcon with us!"_

"I cannot wait to see how show looks!" Northa exclaimed.

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Friends**

They dropped another cake at their station and rehydrated.

"Definitely feeling it. These guys are heavy." Arfur passed a water bottle to Swindell. "Do you think three hundred fireworks is enough?"

"Yeah." Swindell took a swig, swished it around, and spat it out. "Let's do it."

Lina handed them the magic lamp-inspired lighter. Swindell lit the first wick. A sharp series of booms set the afternoon sky ablaze with colorful stars.

* * *

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in Last Place**

Distant booms from Swindell and Arfur's cake show drew the flatmates' attention.

"Pyrotechnics seems fast," Goom Goom said. "I've always had a wicked fantasy of a kiss under some fireworks."

"Unless you can convince one of zese lovely dreamboats, you will 'ave to go without zat part today, _monsieur_!"

* * *

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: 1****st**** Attempt**

Much to the cerulean team's surprise, the cake emptied within seconds. Swindell hastily lit the second, then the third. Crackling crossettes burst into crisscrossed needles. Borromean rings expanded into orbit-like ellipses. Before they knew it, all six cakes had been fired.

"That was over really fast." Arfur's snout scrunched at the pungent sulfuric odor in the air. Their show barely exceeded one minute.

"Sorry, but that didn't meet the requirements," Lina said, reacquiring the lighter.

"I get the feeling we didn't use the right fireworks," Swindell said as he glanced around at the other racks.

* * *

**EVE &amp; PODLEY / TALLY &amp; DEYN / DOUR &amp; DARKLY**

"You've done this before," Darkly accused dully. "You could've just said so."

"Only once, with the Silver Club," Dour replied, lifting the clay with his hands. "Twice, I suppose. The Great Tree elder dozed off, so I finished hers. Come to think of it, Kroop napped as well. I made three pots that day. And then I took forty winks myself."

"That past experience shows," Tally said from the next kickwheel. "Care to send some talent our way?"

"No. He's _my_ grandpa," Darkly said. The Toads giggled.

_"Deyn and I have worked together in various capacities as students, professionals, volunteers, and friends," Tally said. "We are intimately familiar with each other's work styles across varying environments, and I believe we complement each other quite well."_

"Aw, no!" Deyn pouted as the wet clay collapsed in on itself.

_"We're each other's biggest supporters," Deyn said. "Especially when things get rough. That's what BFFFLs are for."_

Tally applied too much force and severed the clay in two. Blushing, she traded back to her role at the flywheel.

"Are we ready to move on?" Eve asked.

Mama confirmed that their vase had reached the required height. Cobrats helped Eve and Podley move their wet clay vase to an open, ventilated area toward the tent's rear. Standard procedure, especially for greenware this large, typically involved air drying to a bone-dry state for several hours, followed by slow, even firing inside a kiln for complete dehydration. Further heating at higher temperatures would invert the clay's quartz crystals and vitrify the greenware into a mature bisque. Subcon's dream properties conveniently made one thorough baking sufficient. Mama pulled out a rainbow dot-textured box of Fire Flowers.

"Isn't this a little dangerous?" Eve glanced at all the flammable objects around them.

"It's a dream. Should be safe," Podley said. He activated a Fire Flower; a whirling fire orb appeared over his dominant hand's palm. He tossed a couple of fireballs at the vase, which flashed red to indicate the heat dissipating over its surface. Podley rapidly threw eight more, exhausting the Fire Flower's effects, and grabbed another. "I never imagine having this much fun doing pottery."

Eve joined in, albeit reservedly. A stray shot hit the tent, bounced off harmlessly, and fizzled out. Seeing this, Eve threw away her inhibitions.

* * *

**LAKI &amp; MAI: Train Enthusiasts**

"Did you know that they've used fireworks to draw a train?" Laki asked. "A sleek passenger locomotive with a cab forward engine, carving a daring path through snow-covered mountains high above sea level!"

"Really? That sounds breathtaking!" Mai stared dreamily off into space for a moment. She squealed giddily. "I _love_ the thought of it! You have to show me a picture later!"

Passing by in the background, Grubba mouthed "cra-hey-zee!" to the camera.

_"We're study buddies. Kinda. We study together, but not the same material," Mai said. "I'm studying to become a relationship therapist, he's studying locomotive engineering. Two radically different fields. I think it says a lot that we can have a good time together and still get work done." _

"Peruse your reverie elsewhere!" Crimson commanded.

"Outta the way!" Gus shouted.

Laki and Mai held several rockets between them like a make-believe freight car with shells as their freight. They'd idled in the wide warehouse entrance, but were barely blocking anything. Regardless, they apologized and continued shuffling toward their racks.

"This option sure is popular," Laki said. "It's hectic like an urban subway rush hour."

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Shop Owner Brothers**

"Brocades. Green, four-inch, times three," Plenn checked them off. "Yellow, four-inch, times two."

_"We opened Toad Bros. Bazaar together, but Plenn was boss," Thriff said. "He did the lion's share of the paperwork and left me to the grunt work. Whenever new inventory arrived, guess who usually unpacked it? Guess who prepared most of our meals? Here's a hint: the guy whose piece of Shroom Cake always went missing in the dead of night." He leveled a _look _at Plenn._

_ "Big brother privileges," Plenn joked. Thriff elbowed him in the ribs._

"Drop yours on the left," Plenn directed. "We'll use 'em at the beginning."

_"Plenn's always been the man with the plan," Thriff continued. "We kinda subvert that athletic older sibling, academic younger sibling dynamic."_

_ "You make it sound like you're only my little forklift minion." In a stage whisper, Plenn added, "He's also a great Sheepy Sheep and Fright Mask quality control test subject!" Thriff shook his head and laughed._

"Super Stars. Yellow, five-inch, times five."

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Distant Cousins**

"Our opposition is wasting time choreographing elaborate formations," Crimson said. She and Drak grabbed fireworks without even reading their names. "This warehouse's preexisting organization already provides a thematic—OW!" She dropped her cargo and hopped around, clutching one foot.

Drak feigned innocence as Dupree and Goom Goom ran past. Crimson angrily bonked his turtle shell with a firework shell.

"Ow…"

_"We corresponded by letter for the greater part of a millennium," Crimson said. "It was an indispensable barrier from his rampant immaturity."_

_ "Crims is the nagging sister I never requested…" Drak said. "I cared not for your pleonastic writings…"_

_ "Clearly. Your replies never indicated any acknowledgement of my points."_

**GARF &amp; GUS: 1****st**** Attempt**

Garf launched a steady stream of peonies every two seconds. Each shell traveled the same height before bursting into a sphere that evolved through shades of green. Imajin's expression plummeted to unimpressed. Once they ran out, the twins turned to him expectantly.

"That was a fireworks snooze fest."

"Isn't this a dream?" Gus looked insulted. "We're all asl—"

"It didn't meet the requirements either." Imajin confiscated the lighter. "Thank you, try again!"

The Craws stared at each other, then at their racks, which were full of empty mortars.

"So much for the Express Pass. Crud!" Gus kicked at the sand. Garf rechecked the clue.

**NORTHA &amp; INNGRID: 1****st**** Attempt**

"This is 'Operation Desert Snowstorm,' " Northa said. "Please have enjoyment."

They lit their own fuses as ignition starters. The steady powder blue tinge of two Bengal fires set the stage for flurries of glitter and stars in white, blue, purple, and gray. Whistling clusters of spiders, horsetails, and fish skewed harshly between rings and willows, representing winter's howling south winds. Strategically places snowflake fireworks punctuated the action.

"That was elegant!" Lina complimented. "How'd you come up with that so quickly? Are you two professionals?"

"_Nyet_," Inngrid said. "Just Bob-ombs. We dream about big explosions like fireworks shows."

Lina giggled. "A beautiful dream it is."

**NORTHA &amp; INNGRID: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

The navy blue team noticed the clue that'd spontaneously appeared near their racks. Inngrid opened it.

" 'Bring Masking Essence from The Ol' Factory to the next pit stop: HydraTion Fountain.' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

A _Race_ flag hung from a nameplate for a fragrance stand with a rainbow of vivid incense burners crafted from glass and metals.

"The Ol' Factory is one of Subcon's most popular aromatic vendors."

**ROUTE INFO  
Find: The Ol' Factory**

Rapid shots weaved between sellers and shoppers to a resting area. A fountain with a base of Mushroom Blocks and cement stood in the plaza's center, its centerpiece a granite statue of a three-headed serpent. Each head spat streams of water instead of balls of fire.

"Teams must obtain popular incense called Masking Essence and bring it to HydraTion Fountain, a monument of an evil guy who no one in Subcon actually likes. Why they built him a fountain, I don't know, but local children fill its water with angry vegetables every night."

**ROUTE INFO  
Go to Pit Stop: HydraTion Fountain**

A circle of bystanders, several people deep, gave the fountain and world map bathmat a wide berth as Miles strolled into frame.

"This is the pit stop for the first leg of the _Race_."

(_~*TAR*~_)

" 'The first team to check in may win the Express Pass, while the last two teams may be eliminated,' " Inngrid concluded. "We are first finished here! We have chance to win leg!"

As Northa and Inngrid raced back into Al-Hulmathani, several teams scrambled to organize their fireworks. Only one show could occupy the airspace at a time.

* * *

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Once Dating Actors**

Cobrats helped the lavender team dip the heavy bisque in a vat of stirred beige glaze. Eve and Podley then bombarded the vase with more Fire Flower fireballs. Once the vase was sufficiently fired, Mama cleared them to enter.

"Time to see what's down the rabbit hole," Eve said.

They hopped in and dropped into a bizarre room that violated the laws of space. Colorful building blocks, some with random plant shoots, constituted the floor. A large lemon yellow gear supported four Ferris wheel platforms, with the envelope suspended in the center.

"Dreams sure are funny things," Podley said, bemused. He read the Route Info.

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

They leapt upward through the orifice's wide parallel walls, which defied the vase's narrow concave opening.

"Pit stop is next. Good luck, everyone!" Eve said as she grabbed her backpack. Deyn, Dour, and Tally responded in kind. Both teams were coiling; Dour and Darkly had a sizable lead.

* * *

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: 1****st**** Attempt**

"Desperate times call for desperate measures," Goom Goom said. "Dupree's crossing all his fingers for the both of us."

Monitoring his partner's wristwatch, Goom Goom had Dupree launch fifteen different fireworks separated by nine-second intervals of dead air.

"Your clue says your show _must_ be exciting," Imajin said.

"But I was excited?" Dupree said. "I am sweateeng from excitement, _non_?"

"You're wearing a jacket," Imajin said. "In the desert."

_"Eet was diabolical," Dupree said. "Eef you fire all you 'ave and are rejected, you must start anew." He sighed and clutched his chest. "Oh! Eet 'its too close to 'ome! A defibrillator shock to zee 'eart! Zee similarities to my lackeeng love life are too depressingly great!"_

A steadfast Garf and a stressed Gus charged past them, carrying a variety of shells. Dupree and Goom Goom began grabbing rockets at random.

"We gotta haul it into overdrive," Goom Goom said.

* * *

Split-screen shots showed the navy blue and lavender teams navigating Shy Guy Bazaar. They arrived separately at The Ol' Factory's horseshoe arch and met the owner, a Snifit wearing gray robes. He handed them a yellow-and-red incense burner shaped like a magic lamp, with a mask engraved on the lid.

"Smells like desert essence. Refreshing, _da_!" Northa cradled the burner close. "I make wish to find pit stop quickly."

"We should've asked for directions to both destinations in the clue," Podley muttered.

The afternoon masses obstructed their view at eye level, but the two giant three-headed serpents—one red and organic, the other his stone lookalike—towering over everyone's heads were a beacon once in view. First-person shots swam through the pit stop crowd to Miles, Tryclyde, and Tryclyde's statue before swiveling to reveal the first arrivals.

"Welcome—" "—to—" "—Sssssssubcon," Tryclyde's three heads greeted, baring their fangs in crude misrepresentations of smiles. Eve and Podley thanked him, looking somewhat fearful.

"Eve and Podley?" Miles paused. "You're team number _ONE_!"

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: 1****st**** Place**

"Oh my goodness!" Eve clasped her hands together over her mouth in delight. She looked to Podley. Finally, Eve initiated a brief hug, after which they quickly put space between them again.

"For winning this leg of the _Race_, you've won five thousand coins," Miles said. "Each!"

"To the victors go the spoils!" Podley exclaimed, punching the air, as Eve shrieked joyfully.

"Now if you'll recall, the first-place team was never explicitly guaranteed the Express Pass." Miles showed them the laminated yellow card. "You now have to make a decision. Your ten thousand coins…or the Express Pass?" Eve gasped. "Let me reiterate that the Express Pass lets you skip any task through the tenth leg. If you pass it up, this offer will be made to the winners of each leg until someone trades their prize for the Express Pass."

"Wow." After a moment, Podley turned to Eve. "You and Vigil could use the money. I'll leave the final say to you."

"Podley, are you sure?" He nodded. Eve ran a hand through her hair. "My, this is a tough one. Our financial security _is_ important. Five thousand coins is a lot. But we could win one million if we make it to the finals… We'll take the Express Pass. Final answer."

"Alrighty then. Here you go!" Miles handed Eve the Express Pass. She stowed it in the fanny pack. "And congratulations again, you two!"

"Thank you!"

_"Who would've imagined that the middle-aged folk with the fractured relationship would claim the first win?" Podley said. "It's a great confidence booster. I can't wait to see what damage we can do once we've worked out our demons."_

_ "Together we're unlimited," Eve agreed. "I have faith we can go far."_

The childhood friends shot onto the scene and hopped onto the mat together.

"Northa and Inngrid? You're team number two!"

**NORTHA &amp; INNGRID: 2****nd**** Place**

They cheered happily and hugged. Inngrid swung Northa around in a small circle.

"What're your thoughts now that you've completed a leg?" Miles asked.

"Much harder than expected, but we are having much fun!" Northa said. "Everyone is kind and helpful. Dream world is beautiful! Very beautiful, _da_! I am exploding with love for this experience!" She turned to Inngrid. "I give you many, many thanks for racing with me!"

"Of course. I do anything for you."

* * *

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: 1****st**** Attempt**

"Incendio," Crimson muttered before lighting the first fuse.

The pair presented an eclectic mishmash of various fireworks fired in like groups to create some sense of coherency and narrative. Firecrackers not unlike cracking joints served as transitions between each section. Fittingly, several shells exploded into skull-and-crossbones to conclude their show. Lina confirmed that they passed.

"Bone-based missiles indeed…" Drak said dryly.

Crimson smirked. "I reserved that contrived coincidence for the finale."

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

They read the clue, retrieved their bags, and raced back through the city walls.

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: 1****st**** Attempt**

"This place has fireworks of everythin'!" Grubba said. "Well, almost! See, something's missin'! Someone important! Future suggestion: y'all should design one after _me_!"

"Everyone who saw it would gouge their eyes out," Goldy said.

Twirling the magic lamp lighter, Grubba barreled on, "This beaut yer about to see is 'Grubba's Firework Show!' Starrin': Grubba!"

He pranced and one-person line-danced around the racks, lighting random fuses at a frighteningly fast pace. Goldy freaked out and bounced after him, but was completely drowned out by booming fireworks and Grubba's booming voice. Shimmering stars exploded high above in one giant psychedelic mess, but the spectacle on the ground was the real star. Eventually Goldy resigned herself to watching their preparations go up in smoke, reports, and multicolored chrysanthemums.

"What'd I do to deserve this? I'm a good Fuzzy," she said. "I've never even stolen anyone's life force."

Imajin somehow heard this and slowly scooted away from Goldy. Forty-eight seconds after the first burst of swirling golden stars drew a fleeting whirlpool, Grubba ran out of fireworks.

"If you release us now, I can go buy us both brain bleach," Goldy said.

"Sorely tempted to take you up on that," Imajin admitted, "but rules are rules. Sorry."

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: 1****st**** Attempt**

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: As long as we don't jump the gun on firing them, we should be okay.)" Maude said.

The up-close volume of their first rocket's takeoff spooked them, but they soldiered on. They divided their launching duties, allowing each to enjoy a minute of blue and purple stars in the forms of cascading palms, dissolving pearls, and expanding pistils. Flo inserted a longer pause before releasing their final firework: a white-yellow burst shaped like a majestic bird taking flight.

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

As the stay-at-home moms scuttled off, Imajin finally escaped Grubba's protests and wandered over to his sister. "Why am I overseeing all the duds while you get the good ones?"

"Just lucky I guess," Lina giggled.

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: 1****st**** Attempt**

"_Nyet_! Five-inch zere, six-inch zere!" Bobolink shouted. Swob rushed to rearrange two piles of shells.

_"Fireworks show is like fashion show," Bobolink said. "Each part vows audience, but you must keep zem vantink more. Use space to build tension. End strong vith grand finale."_

Bobolink commanded the lighter while Swob stood aside, watching with adoring eyes. Their show had fewer fireworks than others, but Bobolink distributed the content by following empty space with fulfilling volleys of intermingling brocades, bees, and willows accompanied by booming salutes. A collection of hearts at the end had an impassioned Swob running over and planting a big smooch on her.

"Hey, your clue…uh." Imajin slinked away from the ensuing makeout session.

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

"I am exploding with happiness! I want to be firework too, SHA-PLOOM!" Swob exclaimed.

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: 1****st**** Attempt**

"We call this 'Stars and Shrooms,' " Plenn said.

Red, blue, green, and golden mushrooms bloomed in the sky alongside outlines of non-convex star polygons, all underscored by sparkling strobes and vivid supernovas. Lina applauded the brothers' success.

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

"Only you would go off the beaten path doing symmetry and tessellations at a time like this," Thriff teased as they ran back into Al-Hulmathani.

* * *

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Currently in 7th Place**

The red team tossed the finishing fireballs at their glazed vase. They descended into their finished masterpiece, where Darkly questioned the room's illogical brightness without any light source.

"We may survive if others struggled on the other side," Dour said. Darkly boosted him out of the vase, and they asked for directions to The Ol' Factory.

Meanwhile, the pink team began torching their greenware.

"These girls are on fire~!" Deyn and Tally chorused.

* * *

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Dating On/Off**

"Ve need Maskink Essence!" Bobolink shouted.

Passersby guided them to a stall, where Bobolink haggled with the Snifit owner and received a hefty discount. Swob grabbed the container, and they set off in search of HydraTion Fountain.

Meanwhile, the gray team waded through the mob into the check-in area.

"Drak and Crimson? You're team number three!"

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: 3****rd**** Place**

Neither reacted at first. Finally, Drak said, "We tolerate nothing less than perfection…"

"Guess you'll just have to _live_ with it then, eh?" Miles teased. The undead cousins glared at him, Crimson rolling her eyes.

"Demonstrating our brilliance while avoiding recognition was today's primary objective," she huffed. "A small victory that shall pave the road to our ultimate triumph."

Later, the violet team scurried up, Flo holding the burner awkwardly in her beak. She set it down upon hitting the mat.

"Flo and Maude? You're team number eight!"

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: 4****th**** Place**

The moms rejoiced. Tryclyde looked appetized by the petite squawking _hors d'oeuvres_ dancing around.

_"I worried myself silly the night before the _Race_ envisioning scenarios where we became the next Gina and Sylvia," Flo said. "I couldn't live with myself if our legacy was 'Super-Dud Super-Fans: First team eliminated in thirteenth place!' Thankfully none of those disasters came to pass, and we're perched in a great spot moving forward!"_

* * *

**LAKI &amp; MAI: 1****st**** Attempt**

"Our Excess Expresstacular's gonna leave you in awe!" Laki exclaimed.

_"We did an homage to the Excess Express," Laki said. "Nothing's too good for my dream train."_

Laki's opening missile exploded into a 4-6-0 five-set hovering over track-like brocades. He and Mai were enraptured, but Laki kept enough presence of mind to continue lighting fuses. Their showstopper featured a small cake of spoke-like peonies. Imajin shared in the buzz of their performance's aftermath until he glanced to where the clue should've appeared.

_"I don't do things halfway," Laki continued. "I guess that sometimes includes royally messing up. I got too into it and accelerated to a speed beyond our plans."_

"I'm _really_ sorry about this," Imajin said, "but start to finish, your show was only two minutes."

Mai's expression plummeted. "You're joking. We missed it by two seconds?" Laki looked horrified.

_"When I realized what happened, my brain careened off the rails," Laki said. "I couldn't believe it."_

_ "I didn't speak up," Mai said. "I'm guilty too. We're a team. End of discussion."_

"What do we do?" Laki fretted. "There's no way we can set up another fireworks show in time!"

"Do you want to switch?" Panicked tears welled in Mai's eyes. "Making a vase sounds time-consuming too, and we'd still have to find the worksite. We're already here and we know what we're doing."

"Right… If we get fewer fireworks and spread them out, we might catch up. We gotta go faster than a speeding bullet train."

* * *

Swob stared up at the Hydra in unabashed wonder. "Oh, I understand now! Subcon comes from 'subconscious,' SHA-WHOMP!"

Bobolink stiffened. Tryclyde's heads stared in wonder of their own.

Miles pointedly scanned the couple for a few seconds. "Do you have the Masking Essence?"

"_Da_!" Swob presented the object he was holding.

It was a stick of deodorant.

Miles visibly struggled to keep himself from laughing. "That sure masks someone's essence, but it's not what we're looking for. You'll have to bring the correct Masking Essence before I can check you in."

The Bob-ombs scrambled away from the pit stop in a haze of stupefaction. Bobolink rechecked the clue and cried out in frustration. "Maskink Essence is incense!"

"I thought it was metaphor, SHA-BLAM!"

Shortly after, the shamrock green team arrived with the correct Masking Essence.

"Plenn and Thriff? You're team number five!"

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: 5****th**** Place**

They whooped and high-fived. "Not shabby at all. Good job today, bro!" Plenn clapped Thriff on the back.

Later, the red team ambled up, Dour trying to catch his breath.

"Anything…higher than eleventh would be fantastic news," he said.

"Dour and Darkly?" Miles injected a particularly long pause, mouth quirking up at the end. "You're the sixth team to arrive." Dour's engulfing eyebrows lifted as he collapsed against Darkly in relief. "However, your Hazard demotes you to seventh. You'll have to wait for another team to check in before I can do likewise for you."

"Wow." Darkly said quietly. He gave Dour a measuring look as they sat at a designated waiting bench.

After some time, the brown team returned with the incense burner. The Twilighters joined them at the mat.

"Swob and Bobolink, Dour and Darkly? You're teams six and seven!"

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: 6****th**** Place  
DOUR &amp; DARKLY: 7****th**** Place**

"Special explosions boosted us to top half, SHA-BLAM!" Swob made his rounds hugging everyone, much to Darkly's discomfort. He then shared a happy kiss with Bobolink.

* * *

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

"The skies have been quiet for a while," Tally said as she hoisted on her backpack. "Time to discover our fate."

"I've got no regrets," Deyn said. "You?" Tally shook her head. They got directions and ran for The Ol' Factory.

* * *

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: 2****nd**** Attempt**  
**GARF &amp; GUS: 2****nd**** Attempt**

Split-screen shots showed two shows of random fireworks. Most teams on their second try subscribed to a grab-and-go philosophy.

As soon as their final comets flashed like electric blue light bulbs, Swindell and Arfur turned expectantly to Lina.

"Was that good enough?" Swindell asked.

"Subcon thinks so." Lina pointed out the envelope near their racks.

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 9****th**** Place  
GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 10****th**** Place**

"At least we're not last," Garf said, waving his thanks to Imajin.

"Yeah, but we're not first either," Gus spat pointedly.

The Rogueport teams read their clues and departed at separate times.

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: 2****nd**** Attempt**

"Surely we cannot be eliminated by such a beautiful desert princess, _non_?" Dupree beseechingly took Lina's hands. "Honh? Your skin eez soft like aged brie! What moisturizer do you use?"

"Um, thank you?" Nonplussed, Lina slipped away. "But I'm not the one who actually decides." Imajin suddenly appeared at her side, holding a squinty-eyed turnip matching his leery expression. Goom Goom sweatdropped.

"Focus, man! Fighting to stay alive here!"

Dupree fired off at least seven times as many fireworks as before. He and Goom Goom voiced semi-exaggerated oohs and aahs throughout, to Lina's amusement. Following a finale flurry of fizzling fuchsia fish, their envelope materialized.

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 11****th**** Place**

" '—the last two teams may be eliminated,' " Goom Goom read. "We gotta pass someone, or that'll be us. C'mon!"

* * *

"Tally and Deyn? You're team number eight!"

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: 8****th**** Place**

They cheered lightly and hugged.

"Standing in this lovely marketplace with my best friend at my side, pleasant incense in hand, and an opportunity to continue to the next leg?" Tally smiled. "I couldn't be happier."

* * *

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: 2****nd**** Attempt**

"My competitive fire burns strongly within!" Grubba lunged for the lighter. Goldy pivoted it out of reach. "The world's gotta have a looksee at Grubba's Firework Show, Part 2: Super-Slow Burnin'!"

"No! We're here 'cause you messed up the first time!" Goldy scolded. "I'm doing it! Now sit down and get outta my way!"

She methodically whipped the magic lamp from one fuse to another, releasing a hodgepodge of dahlias, strobes, and spinners. Though not an active participant, Grubba refused to be completely sidelined.

"And it's rank number nine: The Sewer Pyrite Queen!" He gesticulated at Goldy to a mildly amused Imajin. "She's a-flouncin' around like a kinetic kangaroo! Hoo-wee! It's a scary sight to behold! If you encounter this beast in the wild—"

"Meork! Will you stop?!"

Grubba indeed fell silent as a golden star firework boomed above. He readied their packs, returning to normal, as Goldy read the Route Info.

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 12****th**** Place**

" '—the last two teams may be eliminated!' Gaaah, that's gonna be us!" Goldy screeched.

They skedaddled, leaving only Laki and Mai at Pyrotechnics.

* * *

The lime green, forest green, and cerulean teams scrambled through Shy Guy Bazaar's crowded streets. Each arrived separately at The Ol' Factory and obtained Masking Essence. Swindell, the cast's lone mask-wearer, seemed reenergized by its subtle odor.

First-person shots weaved through the afternoon bustle and squeezed into the fountain plaza.

"Garf and Gus? You're team number nine!"

**GARF &amp; GUS: 9****th**** Place**

"Still in it." Garf made a subdued fist pump.

Another team arrived before the brothers evacuated the mat.

"Swindell and Arfur? You're team number ten!"

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: 10****th**** Place**

The future business partners bro-hugged and exchanged high-fives with Garf and a sullen Gus.

_"A little preparation goes a long way," Arfur said. "We would've paid if other teams hadn't messed up after us. We're not the brightest guys, but we're literate. We need to slow down and read everything. There's a right time to hit the accelerator and a right time to hit the brakes."_

The flatmates charged over, looking hopeful.

"Dupree and Goom Goom? You're the eleventh team to arrive." Their expressions fell. "Your Hazard demotes you to twelfth. I'll have to ask you to wait over there for the next team."

"Zee 'azard rejected our bid for safety…" Dupree muttered. "Zees eez bad."

Eventually, the gold team arrived. Grubba hollered as he leapt onto the mat.

"Goldy and Grubba? You're the twelfth team to arrive." Neither reacted. "But Dupree and Goom Goom's Hazard puts them behind you, so you're team number eleven!"

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: 11****th**** Place**

"Whoo!" Grubba squeezed Goldy to his chest like a spiky, protesting teddy bear. "Gotta make our fans sweat a bit! It'd be borin' if we made this too one-sided, you hear what I'm sayin'?"

The bachelors returned to the mat, shooting resentful glances at Grubba.

"Dupree and Goom Goom? You're officially team number twelve."

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: 12****th**** Place**

"I'm…pleased to say that this isn't a double-elimination leg! You're safe!"

Dupree wheeled his arms in a disco happy dance. Goom Goom fell backwards and grinned at the sky. "Man, that was close!"

_ "We 'ave to remove zis pesky Hazard," Dupree told Goom Goom. "Zere is too much beautiful world you 'aven't seen for us to be eliminated like zis! And I know zee best way to do eet, honh honh!"_

* * *

The train enthusiasts took turns lighting the afternoon skies with the Excess Expresstacular 2.0. When their signature train firework reappeared for the finale, Laki blew his railway whistle. Imajin and Lina applauded and stood by as they read their clue. Before leaving, Laki gave them a signaling flag as a keepsake.

"We're converting you," Laki joked.

"Come to the train side." Mai winked. "Our dining cars have everything."

_"It's surreal knowing we were last by two seconds," Laki said. "If I'd gone this much slower or had enough self-awareness, we would've had a better outcome. I wish I could wake up and do it over again."_

Laki and Mai emerged from the crowd in a two-person conga line, pumping their arms in a locomotive motion and chanting assorted train noises. Mai placed the incense burner on the ground and straightened to face Miles, throwing an arm over Laki's shoulder.

"Welcome—" "—to—" "—Sssssubcon!"

"Laki and Mai. You're the last team to arrive."

**LAKI &amp; MAI: Last Place**

They nodded, smiling sadly.

"And I'm sorry to tell you that you've been eliminated from the _Race_."

"End of the line already," Laki sighed. "One stupid mistake and it's all over."

"It's okay." Mai patted his arm.

_"Our journey wasn't planes, trains, and automobiles. Or even trains, trains, trains," Laki said. "But it was still incredible, you know? You don't get to jump off buildings, ride magic carpets, and play with fireworks every day. It was crazy fun, and it was even more enjoyable because we did it together."_

_ "We always make our own fun together," Mai said. "The _Race _was uber fun."_

"Laki's one of my closest friends and my go-to railfan buddy," Mai said. "It's amazing, having someone who gets that part of me."

"Mai, stoop…" Flushing, Laki removed his goggles and rubbed at his eyes, mumbling something about desert sand. "You've watched too many sappy movies."

"And you're derailing my cheesy farewell speech. How about this? We're both total geeks about the same geeky things, so we can geek out together in geeky ways without caring what non-geeks think. That deep enough?"

"Much better."

_"We met and connected over train geekery, but the _Race _affirmed that our friendship runs so much deeper than that," Mai said. "Even when things went south, we buckled down and knew we could rely on each other. Laki's a friend for life, and I'm thankful we did this together."_

"Say, can we place a special request for the finish line to be aboard the Excess Express?" Laki asked, half-jokingly. "It'd be the most epic finish line ever!"

Miles laughed and bid them farewell. Laki and Mai ventured back toward the heart of the bazaar and disappeared from sight.

* * *

_"This season, on _The Amazing Race_," Blaise narrated, "teams travel across five dimensions, two timelines, and nine galaxies."_

Flash cuts showed future locations. A steel bird's nest. An upside-down waterfall. The Statue of Liberty.

" 'Caution: U-Turn ahead!' "

"We don't have our time machine!"

"How're we supposed to feel Joy at a time like this?!"

"Will you marry me?"

The final shot lingered on the finish line in Fahr Outpost.

_"The next episode is a tale of action."_

Grubba smashed a flyswatter against a giant metal fly.

_"Artistry."_

Oil landed all over Bobolink. She screamed in horror.

_"And heroics."_

The camera panned up Princess Peach's Castle. On fire.

_"All this and more on Episode 2: Paint a Pretty Picture. Be there."_

* * *

**End of EPISODE 1.2**

* * *

Easter Eggs  
\- The fireworks show duration requirement, 2'02", is taken from the current Shy Guy Bazaar world record (achieved in 5/2014).  
\- The Fire Flowers used to fire the vases emulate Mario Kart 7 behavior, with 10 fireballs per flower.

_**Author's Notes**_ (4/27/16): This is a major deviation from Version 2, where Laki/Mai _won_ Leg 1 and the Express Pass and survived until mid-season. On top of their team going full-throttle TRAINS, cloudless Laki received a substantial physicality nerf. Probably the biggest hint at this outcome is Mai referencing _Titanic_. In retrospect, the Detour (specifically Pyrotechnics) is pretty unbalanced, needlessly subjective, and too difficult for Leg 1, but...regardless, Laki/Mai would've left first.

Episodes 1 and 2 borrow elements from _Yume K__ōjō: Doki Doki Panic_, _BS Super Mario USA_, and _Super Mario Advance_. Since their influences are relatively minor and all three are variants of _Super Mario Bros. 2_, the overarching theme, only one game is counted in the media tally.

I'm a big fan of _The Amazing Final Fantasy Race_, which is hosted on The Goat Pen. I _highly_ recommend reading it, even if you're unfamiliar with _Final Fantasy_ or other Square Enix games. _TAFFR4_ introduced having the Express Pass as an alternative leg prize, which I really appreciated. The series also coined the accurate catchall term "delay" for the Yield/U-Turn obstacles, both of which will appear this season.


	3. Ep 2: Paint a Pretty Picture

_**The Amazing Race 4: Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door Edition**_**  
EPISODE 2: Paint a Pretty Picture  
**_**Excitebike: Bun Bun Mario Stadium**_** / **_**Game &amp; Watch Gallery**_** / **_**Mario Paint**_

* * *

_"Previously, on _The Amazing Race_!" Miles narrated. "Thirteen new teams arrived at the Creepy Steeple, where they learned the game would have several twists."_

Blaise showed a yellow card. "The Express Pass can be exchanged for the next clue before or during _any_ challenge until the end of the _tenth_ leg.

"There are _thirteen_ teams and _nine_ elimination pit stops. One pit stop might be double elimination, or one leg might have an elimination checkpoint."

"The world is waiting!" Miles said.

"GO!"

_"Dupree and Goom Goom, and Dour and Darkly, were last to complete two particular tasks and were penalized with the new Hazard."_

Quick shots played of Dupree and Goom Goom trudging to the mat bearing several origami pigs and Dour and Darkly walking to the departure board with their Ace Coins.

"Whenever you check into a pit stop, you'll be checked in one spot lower than you arrived," Miles explained.

_"The meet-and-greet saw two alliances form."_

"We could call ourselves Team Twilight," Eve said to Darkly, Dour, and Podley.

"We are Quadrubomb Squad, SHA-BOOM!" Swob said to Bobolink, Inngrid, and Northa.

_"A successful performance across Subcon won Eve and Podley first place!"_

Quick shots played of Eve running through the pyramid, Podley lifting the clay vase's walls, and both stepping onto the pit stop mat.

"You're team number _ONE_!" Miles revealed. Eve and Podley hugged awkwardly."You now have to make a decision. Ten thousand coins or the Express Pass?"

"We'll take the Express Pass," Eve decided.

_"Train enthusiasts Laki and Mai's overenthusiasm cost them—"_

Laki sent up fireworks to a speedy chugga-chugga rhythm.

"We missed it by two seconds!" Mai cried.

_"—and they became the first team eliminated."_

"Railfans forever!" they chorused as they departed.

_"Twelve teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?"_

* * *

Establishing shots covered Subcon's day-to-night transition. Dense crowds thinned until only trickles of people sporadically crossed Al-Hulmathani's streets. There was no sunset—only a sudden change in the sky, as if someone had flipped a light switch.

"Al-Hulmathani is the largest, most populous city in either of Subcon's two deserts," Miles narrated. "Fractal geometry dominates the blended Islamic architecture that bridges Subcon to the Real World. Covering much of the south side is Shy Guy Bazaar. Marketplace by day and racetrack by night, it's now the start of the second leg in a _Race_ around the world!

"Eve and Podley, who arrived first at 2:40 PM, will depart at 2:40 AM."

* * *

**EVE &amp; PODLEY, 1****st**** to Depart, 2:40 AM**

The lavender team presented the clue like an onstage award. Angry-faced vegetables distorted by rotting littered HydraTion Fountain's bottom pool, and crude graffiti across the statue's chest required pixelization censoring. Eve illuminated the clue for Podley with a flashlight.

" 'Obtain a Magic Potion from The Magic Lamp and make your way to Subcon Castle.' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

Blaise narrated over a shot of a shop specializing in transportation wares.

"Teams must now locate this marked stall: The Magic Lamp. Using a targeted Warp Zone in Subspace, they will travel to, Subcon Castle, the place Wart first laid under siege during his invasions."

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: Subcon Castle**

Daytime fly-by shots panned around a magnificent castle built from golden blocks and supported by clouds. Rapid shots through the interior flew past conveyor belts, silver chains, and red curtain-framed doorways. A short but regal mustachioed man stood commandingly in the throne room, several onesie pajama-wearing fairies hovering at attention behind him. His long blond locks and red robes billowed as he walked toward the camera and extended an envelope.

"Inside they will have the honor of meeting the king of Subcon, who will hand them their next clue."

(_~*TAR*~_)

" 'You have zero coins for this leg of the _Race_,' " Podley concluded. "Shall we?"

_"I met Eve's family recently," Podley said in a lone interview. "That drove home the consequences of my actions. When I left Eve, I wanted her to achieve success without me weighing her down. I never thought she would instead give up on musical theater completely. One reason her stage name was Purehearted Eve was that her love and passion for her dream were pure and absolute. So for her to abandon it over me…" He stopped, hung his head, and sighed._

"There's a completely different atmosphere at night," Eve said. Globe string party lights lent a festive glow to the quiet bazaar. "It's lovely."

_"I often wonder what could've been. I never dated after Eve. It's my own stupid fault I'm a middle-aged bachelor." Podley sighed again. "I wouldn't dare make a move on Eve now. It's unbelievably painful, seeing the wonderful person she's become. I'm here to make new memories and find some closure with her. But I don't know if it'll be enough."_

**NORTHA &amp; INNGRID: 2****nd**** to Depart, 2:46 AM**

"We are meeting king!" Northa said. "That is like birth mayor, _da_? He rules grassland and desert! Very lucky!"

_"We inherited family businesses when we came of age," Northa said. "Easy job because Fahr Outpost was closed community. Few Bob-ombs allowed to leave. We only heard about world beyond mountains wearing snow caps from General White. He infected us with big wanderlust, _da_! Then Mario came and had big explosion to Moon. Mayor lifted travel ban. Very exciting_, da_!"_

_"Sword has two edges," Inngrid said. "Many tourists come. Business now booms. But we have little chance to travel. We have much gratefulness being here."_

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: 3****rd**** to Depart, 2:59 AM**

"A king of dreams…" Drak cocked his head to one side, scoffing. "Is this introduction intended as some momentous occasion…?"

_"We remember little of our past lives prior to our forced enlistment in the Shadow Army," Crimson said. "Her Majesty's brilliance truly knows no bounds. Blank slates are ideal for molding into unconditional servants. I appreciate my good fortune in attaining this position. However, sometimes I cannot help but wonder how these things came to be."_

_ "I avoid ruminating on such nonsense…"_

**EVE &amp; PODLEY / NORTHA &amp; INNGRID**

"We give you congratulations for winning first leg," Inngrid said. Eve and Podley thanked her.

The foursome worked together to locate The Magic Lamp. A tall beige vase with cerise stenciled glaze designs stood at the entrance. The Cobrat owner greeted them and handed Podley a Magic Potion. It fizzed and popped wildly.

"Stuff sparkles more than Vintage Red," Podley commented.

"We drink?" Northa asked.

Inngrid rechecked the clue. "_Nyet_. Throw it at ground. Door appears."

"That is like breaking merchandise. Very bizarre."

Podley smashed the flask against the limestone tile. In a burst of smoke, a red two-dimensional door instantaneously appeared. Inngrid opened it and led the way in. It closed behind them with a definitive thud.

They found themselves in Subspace, a mirror world devoid of life with a monotonous midnight black landscape and a flat blue sky.

"I am corrected. This is more bizarre," Northa said.

_"Subspace was rather unsettling," Eve said. "There was something off. It was eerily quiet and dark. Not quite a dangerous darkness, but not like the homey darkness I'm used to from Twilight Town, either."_

One by one, they took the vase to the castle in the clouds.

* * *

**Subcon, World 7-2  
Subcon Castle**

Both teams dropped into a room filled with glowing pedestal-mounted lamps and differently colored blocks. An orange-and-yellow machine with three funnel-shaped spouts commanded the center. Following _Race_ arrows, the group arrived in another tall chamber with stained glass windows and a stone archway that revealed the night sky. The king in his super-short glory welcomed them. Flanking him was his commander, a tall mustachioed man with flaming orange hair, sunglasses, and a perfectly pressed blue suit. He mumbled updates into a walkie-talkie.

"_Da_, _da_, hello, hello!" Northa said. She greeted the king with alternating kisses on the cheek. "We love Subcon! Climate feels amazing!"

Noticing the commander on the verge of declaring an international incident, Inngrid quickly asked, "What is correct procedure for greeting royalty?"

Podley dove to the floor and prostrated himself. Eve and Inngrid followed.

The king laughed heartily and called off his subordinate. "Rise, friends! Such formalities are unnecessary!" He extended two envelopes. "I'd invite you all to tea, but I understand you're just beginning your journey!"

**NORTHA &amp; INNGRID: Currently in 1****st**** Place  
EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

Northa took care to pocket the perforated scrap. " 'You are now being warped to Mario Battle Stadium.' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

Eight Subcon fairies circled Blaise in a growing whirlwind of sparkling fairy dust.

"The magical Subcon fairies will deliver teams from the Subconian dream world to a convenient dream mashup of 1990s video games."

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: Mario Battle Stadium**

Daytime shots whizzed across a land with green and orange bushes and the writing ends of giant colored pencils poking out of far-off clouds. Yellow flags flew from the turrets of an immense stone castle-like coliseum.

"Within their warp destination, Mario Battle Stadium, teams will find their next clue."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"Battle?" Eve repeated. "Oh dear. I hope we're not doing a fighting challenge."

"I'd take care of it." Podley thumped his chest. "The Bonk-Happy Podster's in here somewhere."

Eve smiled slightly, but still looked concerned. The Subcon fairies assembled and initiated their magic delivery.

* * *

**Mario Battle Stadium**

Dark byzantium skies filled with cotton-like cloud tufts and a wrapped yellow hard candy moon oversaw the navy blue and lavender teams' appearance at one of the stadium entrances. Inngrid referenced a placard near the doors.

"Opens at eight. Time to rest."

They unrolled their sleeping bags.

* * *

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: 4****th**** to Depart, 3:08 AM**

Maude read the clue aloud in subtitled Caw-speak.

_"I'm a former voice actress and TV commercial spokescrow for a nest insurance company," Flo said._

_ "I was an actress chick for a daytime soap opera," Maude said. "We both had jobs before we married our husbands and started families. Our days are still hectic, just in a different way. Between pleasing a director and pleasing a child, I'll give you one guess as to which one's harder." She and Flo laughed._

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: 5****th**** to Depart, 3:19 AM**

"No funding today?" Thriff inverted and shook the envelope.

_"When Thriff left, it was a strange time," Plenn said. "I was proud of him for going out and following his dream. But I suddenly didn't have a second set of hands to help out or someone to shoot the breeze with. It was jarring."_

_ "Like learning single life for the first time, eh?"_

_ "…Point. Anyways, working together again twenty-four-seven is also jarring, but in a good way. It's neat, seeing how he's changed out there."_

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: 6****th**** to Depart, 3:28 AM**

Darkly read the clue to Dour. They set off at a brisk pace, Darkly carrying their bags.

_"I didn't move to Rogueport because it's dim and dank," Darkly said. "I ran away from home. It was…uh. Typical teenage angst. Yeah. It was a scary dark mess that I'd like to forget."_

_"I was preoccupied with reelections, though that's no excuse," Dour said. "Thankfully a mature young man emerged after the eclipse passed. I only wish I'd been more accessible in his time of need."_

_ "Living on the streets was a wakeup call to real life. I've learned a lot about myself. I do have regrets. But I wouldn't change what I did."_

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: 7****th**** to Depart, 3:31 AM**

Bobolink sashayed a few paces, showcasing the opal jewel extensions incorporated into her basket braid and jangling her scarab-inspired earrings and necklace, and then jogged away from the pit start, Swob flanking her.

_"I met Svob on promotional tour of Blizzard Bombshell vinter line," Bobolink recalled. "He vas most enthusiastic in audience. About clothink or me, I am unsure."_

_"Both! I spent my last paycheck and had to delay rent payments, SHA-WHOOM!"_

_ "He chased me and vined and dined me zat night. Food vas low quality. Conversation vas…interestink. Ranked in bottom five vorst first dates."_

_ "Ouch, explosion to heart, SHA-WHAM! That was best restaurant on my budget!"_

_ "Somezink keeps us togezer anyway. Zat is vhat I focus on."_

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: 8****th**** to Depart, 3:52 AM**

Tally articulated the clue in a crisp voice.

_"I've actually been asked if I ever get tired of Tal," Deyn said. "Even now we frequently do lunch, Movie Mondays, Froyo Fridays, and monthly potlucks. The honest answer is no. And I'm so glad that it's no! Having a bestie like her is a true gift."_

_"When we first met, our friends said it was a case of opposites attract," Tally said. "At the end of college, they amended that to two halves of the same whole. I'm simply content knowing that our friendship defies description."_

**GARF &amp; GUS: 9****th**** to Depart, 4:13 AM**

Gus slurred through the clue. Garf reread it for himself as they ran.

_"I'm the tortoise, he's the hare," Garf said. "I do things at my own pace. Gus jumps in headfirst and takes off like a madman."_

_ "I don't believe in slow and steady," Gus said. "Doing the dirty work gets results. Garf's the thunderstorm that rolls in, but I'm the lightning bolts that hit the ground running!"_

_ "You don't do _all_ the dirty work. But you always leave a big mess that I have to wash away."_

_ "And _you're _always rumbling and gloomy when you get a job you don't like. So there!"_

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: 10****th**** to Depart, 4:15 AM**

Arfur boosted Swindell onto an awning. Swindell bounded onto a roof and, after a few seconds, spotted the twins.

_"When I first found myself on the streets, I only looked out for me," Arfur said. "But I quickly learned you need a balance between thinking about you and others too. Both to watch your back and so you don't feel so alone."_

_"It's a dog-eat-dog world," Swindell said. "You can never have too many friends…unless they're pickpocketing you when you're not looking."_

_"There's always this wall of self-preservation, just in case you wake up one day with a knife in your back. We've depended on each other before, but never like this. Tearing that wall down completely is all kinds of scary."_

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: 11****th**** to Depart, 4:22 AM**

"I'm already having Star Café Espresso Americano withdrawal…" Goom Goom yawned. With a sunny smile, Dupree guided him onward.

_"_Zee Amazing Race _was not my first choice," Dupree said, "but zee _Mushroom Keengdom Bachelor _and _Bachelorette _series rejected me! Unbelievable, _non_?"_

_ "Ditto that," Goom Goom said. "Single life's been fun, but going stag to everything's wearing me down. What I need is a gal who'll keep me company, my wild side in check, my schedule balanced, y'know? Heck, I'll even make us sandwiches! I cut 'em diagonally! I'm so lost and incomplete these days, it's not even funny!"_

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Last to Depart, 4:29 AM**

Grubba broadcasted the Route Info with incredible vigor. Goldy ineffectually shushed him.

_"I landed myself in hot water with the Glitz Pit fiasco," Grubba said. "What's that? No, I ain't givin' the abridged version! If them folks out there've been livin' under a rock, let 'em read the news or play the game! Why the hey would I wanna relive that?"_

Grubba proclaimed he'd do well at Mario Battle Stadium as long as he wasn't battling the Great Gonzales…while heartily whacking Subcon's king on the back. The commander frantically called the fairies to arms. Goldy sighed.

_"I just happened to get caught with a big mistake. My self-indulgent lapse o' judgment fer the year! I ain't a bad guy, I swear. I'll win ya over yet! When I waltz across that finish line and accept my check, y'all will be cheerin' my name like the day I won my first world championship!"_

_ "Hey, what about me?!" Goldy demanded._

_ "Whaddya mean, what about you?"_

_ "MEORK!"_

* * *

Trailing teams caught up at Mario Battle Stadium. Dusk-to-dawn transition shots of everyone catching a few hours of shuteye included Bobolink and Swob wearing matching sleep masks, Swindell and Arfur spooning, and Darkly and Drak sitting against the stadium wall in silence.

Eight o'clock found the cast huddling close to the entrance. Flo and Maude hung back slightly as the sole exceptions. The tall white doors slowly swung outward, admitting everyone. Dupree spotted the clue box down the right corridor and called out to Goom Goom, resulting in a mass stampede that nearly knocked the stand over. Flo darted past to a previously unnoticed number board and nabbed the "1" tag. Swindell followed close behind, yanking "2."

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Shop Owner Brothers**

Barely audible over the background din, Thriff read, " 'Motocross madness.' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

A human wearing white and red motocross gear with black accents popped a wheelie on his red bike and flashed a victory sign to the camera.

"Invented in 1984, Excitebikes have a niche racing market that is largely overshadowed by the popularity of the Mario Kart Grand Prix," Blaise narrated.

**ROUTE INFO  
Vs. Excitebike**

Several red- and green-shelled Koopas launched off a white-and-blue ramp in quick succession. The last rider hit the ground poorly and tumbled off his Excitebike, landing safely in the grass. He scrambled to his feet, ran over to his bike, and zoomed after the pack.

"To earn the next clue, one team member must complete three laps of a basic course within three minutes."

(_~*TAR*~_)

A mad scramble ensued as teams noticed the board.

_"I don't think anyone knows the blackbirds' real names yet," Swindell said. "We call 'em by their necklaces, Falconet and Merlin. Sounds pretty fierce, right? It's weird though. They don't speak our language, but they seem to know what's going on. I try to keep an eye on them."_

Everyone expressed some degree of excitement and/or fear about motocross, with Garf easily the most vocal. He practically blew out Gus' eardrums when a real Excitebike was brought into the demonstration area.

_"I flipped my beak when I saw we were riding motorbikes!" Garf exclaimed. "Having one's been my dream since I was a kid. Forget sports cars. Gimme a sleek silver 4-stroke, 2-cylinder, 6-speed cruiser with green body accents! That's my dream girl!"_

The teams underwent a lengthy instructional and safety session before suiting up in color-coded body-appropriate motocross gear and heading out to the course. Trimmed grass and small Piranha Plants lined a four-lane dirt track that extended into the distance in both directions, far beyond the expected parameters of the coliseum. Ramps, mild hills, sand pits, puddles, and coins were littered about.

"Aren't motocross courses usually closed loops?" Garf asked.

"I bet I know the answer," Gus muttered. " 'It's all a dream.' Ugh. If this entire race is a dream, eliminate us now. Imaginary money is useless." Garf punched him in the arm. "Ow!"

**FLO &amp; MAUDE / SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR / GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA / SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK**

The first eight took their places on the course and mounted their specially designed Excitebikes. Cameras on their handlebars and microphones inside their helmets filmed them from up close.

"Drive in straight line," Bobolink muttered to herself. She wobbled unsteadily, still looking chic in her dome-shaped brown helmet and rose red racing scarf.

Post-production trumpets belted the opening of the _Finale_ of Rossini's _William Tell Overture_. They gave way to an electrical guitar solo accompanied by a techno drumbeat as two things fell: the race official's checkered flag and the solenoid starting gates. Arfur, Grubba, and Swindell rocketed to over 80 km/h in under a second.

Swob popped a wheelie and swerved into the rightmost lane, causing Bobolink to clip his rear wheel. Against all logic, he stayed upright, while she flipped over. Shaken but unharmed, she scrambled back onto her Excitebike.

The leaders vaulted off the course's first hill and hit the ground tumbling. Their bikes added sideways momentum and deposited them in the grass. Everyone unintentionally followed suit, Flo and Maude somersaulting with undignified squawks.

_"We were like a bunch of fledglings being kicked out of the nest. 'You have five seconds to learn how to fly before you go splat,' " Flo said. "Out of the gates, we all went splat. Being in the first group was actually a disadvantage, because we didn't get to practice or watch anyone before going on the course."_

Arfur successfully stuck a landing by coming down on one wheel. He repeated this maneuver, periodically pitching too far forward, but managed some consistency and built a lead. A plateau containing the lap marker now covered the starting gates, and he dimly registered the observers in his periphery as he passed.

"HOO-WEE!" His competitors fell far behind thanks to Grubba's interference. He zigzagged erratically, causing them to ram into his back and flip into the grass. Due to the lack of intercom, their frustration fell on deaf ears.

_"I know you're not blind beneath those sunglasses!" Goldy griped. "You're so dumb, making your own partner wipe out! And everyone else too, I guess. We don't want enemies this early!"_

_ "Aw, hooey! Yer all big boys and girls! Ain't my fault if y'all don't watch where yer goin'! How'm I supposed to watch you without rearview mirrors? I'm a forward-lookin' guy! 'Sides, turn signals are dangerous too!" Grubba swung his right arm in a horizontal karate chop, barely missing her head. "See? They said clotheslinin' wasn't allowed!"_

_ "You're COMPLETELY missing the point!"_

Only Arfur beat the three-minute time limit. Slowly the rest trickled in, shooting peeved glares at second-place Grubba.

"_Dur__á__k_! (_Sub_.: Idiot!)" Bobolink hissed at both him and Swob.

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

Pit crews transferred collected coins from their Excitebikes to their credit card. Arfur opened the clue. " 'Ride your Excitebikes to the Game &amp; Watch Gallery.' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

Rapid shots zoomed through a long, tree-lined path dotted with Turbo Strip mushroom panels. Wide ramps provided a means to jump over stationary hordes of candy sun-resistant Boos all wearing the same malicious expression.

"Teams must now take this forest trail to the Game &amp; Watch Gallery. Aside from some jumps, it's a straightforward drive with no ways to get lost, which should benefit any racers who failed the three-minute proficiency test."

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: Game &amp; Watch Gallery**

At the end of the path was a light gray theater with purple ribbon trim and gold-colored doors and windows. A camera zoomed through its interior, past rows of red cinema seats, to the stage, where the clue box soaked up the spotlights.

"Inside, teams will find their next clue."

(_~*TAR*~_)

They put their helmets back on and fetched their backpacks before taking a bike-friendly ramp out of the stadium. Swindell spotted the _Race_ flags marking the trailhead. As they turned toward it, he leaned too far sideways and toppled off his Excitebike.

"Wah! You okay?!" "I'm fine!" Neither actually heard the other, but their gesticulations said it all. Swindell remounted and followed Arfur, making sure to keep several lengths between them.

"Balancing on this bike with my pack is kinda tricky," Swindell said. "Gotta deal though. Can't waste Arfur's good work."

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY / TALLY &amp; DEYN / GARF &amp; GUS / NORTHA &amp; INNGRID**

"I don't have high hopes," Dour muttered. Darkly's nervous stare spoke likewise.

At the start signal, Garf whizzed into the lead while Dour managed to avoid toppling over. Having watched Arfur's technique, most successfully replicated the first landing.

Garf quickly amassed five coins, which gave his bike an unlimited turbo Super mode without fear of his engine overheating. He continued weaving around collecting them because they translated to future _Race_ funds.

_"Definitely my favorite thing so far, no contest," Garf said. "Decked out full gear, that sleek machine rumbling between my legs… Felt like all was right in the world."_

Second-place Inngrid applied turbo, trying to pass Garf. She followed too closely to let the coins respawn and neglected to drive over any white-and-blue Turbo Strip mushroom panels to reduce her engine's temperature. A dashboard indicator bar beeped madly and flashed red. She shouted in confusion when her Excitebike pulled to the side on its own volition and idled. Several racers passed while her engine cooled.

_"Fahr Outpost is men-dominated," Inngrid said. "Nora and I bonded over ice skating, hot chocolate sleepovers, and playing princess of snow forts. We also spent time with boys and became tomboys. I am good at snow wrestling!"_

_"We like snowmobiling and bicycle stunts," Northa said. "Excitebikes were similar. Very fun, _da_!"_

Dour puttered along in the far right lane, frequently checking over his shoulder. Garf lapped him. Seconds later, Tally followed in hot pursuit.

_"Tal is the politest person you'll ever meet. Sweeter than pie," Deyn said. "But stick her behind the wheel, it's like she channels Mario Kart meets NASCAR."_

_ "I call it efficiency," Tally said. "I personally dislike driving. Thus, I go fast to minimize time better spent on more enjoyable activities."_

Ponytail whipping about, Tally went airborne off the course's biggest hill. She gripped her handlebars, gloved right pinky finger subconsciously extended, and landed dead even with Garf on the final stretch. They glanced at each other, then hunkered forward. Garf howled excitedly, filling his mic with static.

A snapshot captured them crossing the line in a virtual tie. The main timer read 1:36.

"WHOO! That was AWESOME!" Garf motored over and exchanged a two-handed high-five with Tally.

Gus, Inngrid, and Northa each took some falls, but finished with time to spare. Darkly, Deyn, and Dour didn't make the cut.

**GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 2****nd**** Place  
NORTHA &amp; INNGRID: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**  
**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

"Yes!" Garf caressed his Excitebike lovingly. "I get to spend more quality time with you!"

"Stop flirting and get a move on!" Gus slugged his twin in the shoulder and motioned toward the exit. They raced off with a narrow lead over the four females.

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM / EVE &amp; PODLEY / PLENN &amp; THRIFF / DRAK &amp; CRIMSON**

Plenn and Podley survived the first hill and emerged as the early frontrunners. The Rogueport business neighbors eyed each other in silent challenge.

Eve drove straight into a sand pit. She spurted forward in starts, seemingly forgetting the two regular lanes on her right. The moment she cleared it, Goom Goom plowed into her back and was sent sprawling into the grass.

"Accursed technology…" Last-place Drak glowered as the leaders lapped him.

_"They were raucous and required impractical, unappealing body armor," Crimson huffed. "Learning to operate modern automobiles was bothersome enough. Those two-wheeled atrocities were a nightmare."_

Only Plenn and Podley made the cutoff, though Dupree and Thriff finished within ten seconds after them.

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 5****th**** Place  
EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

Both teams read their clues, retrieved their bags, and departed. Eve unintentionally rear-ended Podley as they searched for the trail.

"Kids, this is why mommy won't be your driving teacher when you get older," Eve said, laughing nervously.

**FLO &amp; MAUDE / GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA / SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK / DOUR &amp; DARKLY**

"I'm gonna beatcha this time!" Grubba hollered. "Just you wait an' see!"

Unblinking and unhearing, Darkly motioned with his hand to face forward. Grubba swiveled around in his seat and revved his engine.

Out of the gates, Grubba braked. Not expecting it, Darkly rammed straight into him and fell over.

"…Seriously?" Darkly bolted back to his bike. Within seconds, he'd passed Dour.

Whereas Grubba had blindly undermined everyone before, he now specifically swerved in front of Darkly. Even in the puddles. Even in the sand.

_"Grubba's been targeting me since the Start Line," Darkly muttered. "Not Gramps and I as a team. Just me. I have no clue why. I have enough to worry about with the Hazard."_

Bobolink, Goldy, and Swob still flubbed their landings, but qualified in a pack around 2:30. Somehow, despite Grubba's sabotage, Darkly followed on his heels with a 2:58. He glared at Grubba as they received their clues.

"There ya go, son! That was some right good racin'!" Grubba flashed him a thumbs up and a brilliant grin. "I knew ya could do it!"

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 7****th**** Place  
DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Currently in 8****th**** Place  
SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 9****th**** Place**

"If you hadn't played blind kamikaze, we would've been out first!" Goldy complained. As they exited the stadium, she spitefully veered in front of Grubba. He somersaulted onto the cement, allowing the other two teams to overtake them.

"You deserved zat," Bobolink said giddily.

Grubba just laughed and pulled up alongside his teammate. "Yer big googly eyes should be payin' more attention to where yer goin'!" Goldy somehow understood his sentiment and gnashed her teeth.

* * *

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Friends**

"We basically do parkour every day," Swindell said. "I'd be clearing these guys on foot, no problem."

He launched off a ramp and landed in the midst of another Boo horde, slowing his speed drastically. Some invisible tether automatically decelerated Arfur's Excitebike, forcibly preventing him from getting far ahead of his partner.

"I'm not used to being the slow one of us," Swindell said, finally breaking free.

**GARF &amp; GUS: Robbo Twins**

"YEAH!" Garf tricked off a ramp, kicking his feet straight up like a handstand on his seat. With his bulky backpack on. He landed safely on his rear wheel and fist pumped at Gus. Northa and Inngrid pulled similar midair stunts in the background.

"Wrong series, you showoff!" Gus shouted, unable to hide his jealous grin.

Multi-screen shots showed other teams on the trail. Everyone else botched their jump landings by tilting too far in any direction, coming up short and getting stuck in the Boos, or both. Even riders who'd raced well at the stadium—namely Plenn, Podley, and Tally—had difficulties adjusting with their backpacks.

* * *

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM / DRAK &amp; CRIMSON / FLO &amp; MAUDE**

Dupree, the heat's strongest biker, focused on running a clean race. Goom Goom hung back, doing the complete opposite.

"Focus elsewhere…" Drak gritted his fangs as he tried to juke past Goom Goom. The Goomba made Drak crash into his rear wheel before accelerating away to replicate the maneuver on Crimson. Drak's disembodied hand covered his eye sockets. "Outwitted by an armless mushroom…"

The Crows had gotten a grip on landing and remained out of Goom Goom's reach. He alternated his attention between the cousins, stymieing their progress.

"Nothing personal, just strategy," he rationalized.

Dupree won by a wide margin and blew kisses to an imaginary crowd of women.

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 10****th**** Place  
FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 11****th**** Place**

"We are in zee perilous position, _monsieur_!" Dupree said. "Reconsider what we discussed, _s'il vous plait_!" He shoved his neon green helmet back over his poofy purple afro. "Zee 'opes and dreams of _mademoiselles_ worldwide ride on our survival!"

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Claws are coming out.)" Flo said. "(_Sub_.: We have to use ours too to get out of the back! This is dangerous!)"

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Distant Cousins**

The Shadow Army officers took a moment to regroup.

"We shall overcome this obstacle and exact revenge on that Goomba with a far superior tactical display," Crimson said. Drak concurred.

Alone on the track, they had their most successful run. Both executed several poor landings, but still managed times around 2:45.

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in Last Place**

" 'Ride your Excitebikes to the Game &amp; Watch Gallery.' " Crimson's scowl deepened.

* * *

**Game &amp; Watch Gallery**

The leaders exited the forest, pulled into marked Excitebike parking spaces, dropped their backpacks and helmets, and dashed into the cuboid theater. Glossy silver lining and red and gray decorative buttons framed the red curtained stage. Both teams ran down the aisles, up the steps, and over to the clue box.

**GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 1****st**** Place  
NORTHA &amp; INNGRID: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

The envelope contained red and green folders. Garf opened the Roadblock. " 'Don't panic, oil's well!' " Gus and Inngrid volunteered. " 'Dump sixty bucketfuls of oil on your partner to receive your next clue.' "

"What?" Northa looked confused.

(_~*TAR*~_)

_Beep-beep-beep-beep-CLICK_. Blaise caught a drop of oil in a two-dimensional black bucket, filling it to the top.

"For this Roadblock, we've modified the objective of a well-known game originally released in 1982."

He leaned out a doorway and emptied the bucket. Oil washed over a black, two-dimensional woman. It leapt up and down in jerky motions, _BEEP_ing angrily. Blaise _BEEP_ed back.

**ROADBLOCK  
Oil Panic (Classic)**

The view broke into a dual-screen handheld. On top was a room with a leaky oil pipe running above open flame cookware. On bottom was a zoomed out view of a three-story gas station with cars and customers at the pump. Carrying a large oil drum, the station manager tottered rhythmically across the second-floor balcony.

"One team member becomes a gas station employee and must collect oil drops from a leaky pipe in a bucket with a capacity of three drops…and then dump the full bucket on the teammate. This is one point."

Split-screen shots showed the manager catching the oil in its drum and part of the upper room catching on fire.

"Complicating this mission is the well-intentioned boss, who is trying to catch the oil. Additionally, if the participant obtains three strikes—either by missing oil drops or dumping oil on a customer—ten points will automatically be deducted. Sixty points are needed to earn the next clue."

(_~*TAR*~_)

They all reread the description in disbelief. The detailed instructions told them to enter a backstage door labeled "OIL PANIC."

**GUS: 0 pts**

Gus found himself in a drab room, holding a two-dimensional black bucket. His morning clothes had replaced his motocross gear. Garf substituted for the digital suit-and-tie male customer on the gas station's left side.

"What the heck?" Gus looked up as the first tiny oil bead fell from the pipe with a rhythmic electronic beeping. He did a double take upon seeing it fill one-third of his bucket. "I repeat. What the heck?" He collected two more, ran to the left doorway, and flung the oil.

With an electronic _sploosh_, black syrupy ooze covered Garf's head. A digital number counter suspended high above him acknowledged the point. Gus doubled over in laughter and received his first miss as the stove momentarily caught on fire.

_"Like everything else, the Roadblock made zero sense," Gus said. "But it was pretty funny! Dumping motor oil on Garf ranks up there on the list of pointless things I've done for amusement."_

After several seconds, the oil vanished from Garf completely, leaving his white tank top and green beanie spotless. He touched a finger to his face and felt only feathers. "That wasn't so bad." _Sploosh_.

**INNGRID: 0 pts**

Despite entering the same door, Northa and Inngrid were at a separate but near-identical gas station. Northa had replaced the digital woman on the right side.

"Have awareness!" Inngrid warned, overturning her bucket. Much to her surprise, the boss was there and caught the oil in its drum. "_Nyet_! What are you doing! Go away!"

Although the failed dump wasted a few seconds, it wasn't a miss. Inngrid collected three drops and tried again. Northa shrieked in surprise when the first bucketful landed on her.

"Nora!"

"Do not worry! I am fine!"

_"I wanted to turn off fires, fix pipes, and attend to waiting businessman," Inngrid said. "I did not understand purpose. I also did not like throwing oil at Nora. I felt very mean."_

_ "It is okay!" Northa reassured. "I have super-big explosion now, _da_!"_

Inngrid dashed back into the room and stopped an oil drop from hitting the pot. She filled her bucket again and emptied it on Northa, wincing at her yelp.

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**  
**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 4****th**** Place**  
**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

Arfur, Plenn, and Tally elected to perform the Roadblock.

* * *

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Dating On/Off**

Bobolink stuck her bottom out, trying to keep her bag in place. The Excitebike's vibrations made it sag to her right. She overcompensated too far to the left and tipped off a ramp, landing in a Boo's ectoplasm.

_"We are first team in _Amazing Race _history to use duffel bags, SHA-BOOM!" Swob exclaimed._

_ "Zhat is bad zink! Today proved it!" Bobolink snapped. "I know not vhy I let you talk me into usink zese!"_

_"Other teams get tired shoulders and backs faster, SHA-DOOMP! We—"_

_"Zhoulders?! Vhat shoulders?! Svob! Ve have no shoulders!"_

_ "Uh…"_

_ "It bounces against side ven I run! It alvays slid off-balance and made me fall off bike! Vorst idea!"_

Drak and Crimson passed them. Bobolink cried out in frustration.

* * *

**ARFUR: 17 pts**

"You've hit the jackpot, bathing in black gold!" Arfur twisted his hands, dousing his teammate. "Ching-ching-bla-bling!"

"Har har."

**PLENN: 8 pts**

The digital woman hopped up and down, beeping angrily.

"Oops, wrong side!" Plenn shouted to Thriff. "Looks like I got disoriented there!"

Plenn switched to a sidestepping orientation so that Thriff's exit was always on his right.

**TALLY: 4 pts**

_"Yeah, we're from prim and proper Poshley Heights," Deyn said. "But we're not afraid to get our hands dirty!"_

_Tally hummed and produced a hand sanitizer dispenser. Deyn laughed. "Thankfully that Roadblock's grime was temporary. Good hygiene is essential while traveling."_

"Sorry!"

"You don't have to apologize every single time!" Deyn yelled up. "I'm fine!"

"I simply must!" Tally responded. "My apologies are threefold. To you, for this messy wait. To the employee, whose resources I am wasting. And to the businessman, who cannot be attended to. Apologies to you all!"

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

"Oil? Me!" Goldy said immediately. Grubba whined in protest. "You can't do _every_ Roadblock, doofus! And I don't trust you! You'd just dump it all over me!" She opened the details and laughed triumphantly. "YESSSSS! Righteous justice! That's what I'm doing to _you_!"

"What're you on about?" Goldy showed him the clue. He read it and began belly-laughing.

"Hey! What's so funny?!"

"The thought of you bunny-hoppin' around with a bucket on yer head! A true buckethead! Hyuk hyuk hyuk!"

"Whatever! I'm getting my revenge!"

They entered the door to their personal gas station. Grubba panicked upon realizing he was back in his own clothes.

"No! My favorite hat! My custom-made gold emcee outfit! You sick freaks!"

His overreacting drowned out the beeping. Goldy struggled to see the drops from under the bucket; she missed the first two. "Pipe down! I can't concentrate!" She saved herself from dropping into negative numbers with her first catch, and managed to fill her bucket. "This is for always pouring your Koopa Tea on me, you jerk!"

"Missed me!" Grubba shouted cheerily. The digital woman beeped angrily. Goldy's score fell to -10.

"MEORK!" Goldy caught a single drop and launched its expanded form out the correct door. Grubba howled.

"Whatever happened to keepin' it clean?!" He noticed the oil's sudden evaporation and stopped bawling. "Well hey now, this ain't so bad! Disappears lickety-split and don't leave a drop on me!"

Goldy tsked. "Partial win."

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 7****th**** Place**

"I don't think the Roadblock involves this stage." Eve admired the proscenium arch. "I'd' like to make up for my horrendous Excitebiking." Podley accepted her offer. As she read the details, Eve gasped. "Oh my…"

"What's the matter?"

"I'm dumping oil on you."

"Ah. Erm. Nothing personal?"

"…Maybe a tiny bit?"

Podley broke eye contact and sighed.

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

"I can't do this Fast Forward," Dour said. Darkly nodded curtly. "The Roadblock says, 'Don't panic, oil's well.' Not very telling, but I should probably do it."

"Yeah. Do your best, Gramps. I'm rooting for you."

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 9****th**** Place**

"Roadblock," Goom Goom announced. Dupree snatched the green folder. "Whoa, hold on D-Man! You're set on this?"

"_Oui_! Zee ozers will not do eet zis early. Eet might be our only chance."

"I _really_ think we can win a leg without it."

"Do you want to reesk being eliminated before zen?" At Goom Goom's grimace, Dupree opened the Fast Forward. " 'Save eighty people from a fire using a trampoline.' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

"This is the first of nine available Fast Forwards," Blaise explained. "The first team to complete it may skip all tasks and head directly to the pit stop. However, each team can only use one Fast Forward on the entire _Race_."

**FAST FORWARD  
Fire (Modern)**

One long, extended shot slowly panned up Princess Peach's Castle. Roaring flames licked at the edges of the tallest turret. Smoke billowed out, blotching the daytime sky with ugly gray. A short distance away from the castle, an open-top mushroom-shaped carriage waited.

"To claim this Fast Forward, teams must save eighty evacuees by bouncing them via trampoline into this designated vehicle. Letting someone hit the ground counts as a miss, and missing three will set them back five people."

A Toad, Yoshi, and Donkey Kong Jr. leapt out the tower in a panic and plummeted toward the camera.

(_~*TAR*~_)

"That sounds intense," Goom Goom said, eyes wide. "We're not firefighters."

"Eef we cannot do eet, we 'ave time to switch. _Allons-y_! (_Sub_.: Let's go!)"

_"After last leg's close call, we're gunning for the top," Goom Goom said. "The Hazard could screw us over. Third-to-last being a death sentence would really suck. The Fast Forward is like an automatic first place, which removes the Hazard. But if we use it today, what if we would've rocked this leg's tasks? What if we need it somewhere down the line?"_

_ " 'Aving zee Fast Forward available does not matter if we get eliminated," Dupree said._

_ "Still, it's only Leg 2!" Goom Goom groaned. "This is forcing our hand too freaking early."_

They entered the backstage door marked "FIRE" and suddenly found themselves in their regular clothes. Dupree held a flimsy-looking trampoline at waist-level; Goom Goom supported it with the top of his head. Above them, the raging fire rained glowing embers onto the dirt path.

_"Eet was a peculiar fire, _non_?" Dupree mused. "Eet looked real, but that was eet. No sound, no smell, no 'eat."_

A Toad tumbled silently out of the tower. The dream's physics assigned it a float-like constant fall speed. Dupree and Goom Goom scrambled to position themselves.

"Zis way!" Dupree yanked the trampoline as he ran backwards, nearly taking Goom Goom off his feet. "Oh, oh! Back zat way!"

"Gah!"

They narrowly made it. The Toad bounced up, the apex of his arcing flight reaching higher than the tower window.

"_Sacre bleu_! 'E will not make it!" Dupree realized. "Backbackback!"

Goom Goom backpedaled furiously to avoid getting plowed over, and they bounced the Toad a second time. It flew in a smaller arc, though still not enough to reach the carriage.

"One more!"

The Toad tumbled in safely. A yellow number counter hovering high above the road ticked up one point.

"You're throwing me around like a rag doll!" Goom Goom complained. "We need to shift sideways!"

They rotated themselves and sprinted forward to save the next Toad.

**EVE: 9 pts**

Eve tossed another bucketful and watched its descent. Podley bowed his head and reflexively shielded his glasses.

_"I'd be lying if I said it wasn't even the teensiest bit therapeutic," Eve admitted sheepishly. "I imagined I was throwing out any dark negativity I'd harbored all these years. It has no place in my future."_

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 10****th**** Place  
DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 11****th**** Place**

Maude and Drak stepped up for the Roadblock.

**INNGRID: 55 pts  
PLENN: 51 pts  
GUS: 42 pts  
ARFUR: 40 pts  
TALLY: 30 pts  
GOLDY: 3 pts**

"Everything is faster," Inngrid said.

At thirty points, the oil drop speed increased by twenty-five percent; at forty points, the boss' walking speed by thirty percent. Both were punctuated by beeping noises, resulting in a discordant stereo effect.

"You need to stop," Arfur said testily to the station manager. "Sheesh! That guy's caught my oil four times in a row!"

_"It was a test of patience," Plenn said. "Sometimes the fella was blocking Thriff and I had to give him my oil or risk taking a strike. Also had to tune out that nonstop beeping, or I would've gone bonkers."_

On the sixtieth point, the first finishers were teleported back to the stage's apron, motocross gear on and envelope in hand. An oil-free Northa cheered happily and hugged Inngrid.

**NORTHA &amp; INNGRID: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

" 'Ride your Excitebikes to the Mario Paint Museum.' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

Rapid shots whizzed across open fields to a black building with Ionic columns. In place of a door was a tall painting of a brick road through a grassy, tree-filled field.

"Teams must drive themselves to the Mario Paint Museum."

Blaise walked into the painting's artificial landscape and vanished, canvas rippling in his wake.

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: Mario Paint Museum**

Big, black, blocky text reading "MARIOPAINT™" floated in a vast white nothingness. Moving within the same plane like a computer cursor was a white right-handed glove with its index finger extended. It clicked on the second "A," introducing drums into the background music as Blaise strolled in. A 16-bit Mario wearing _Race_ colors roamed onscreen and hopped a few times. Blaise walked over to him.

"At this interactive Title Screen, teams must figure out that making contact with this Mario will send them to the museum proper, where they'll find their next clue."

Blaise tapped Mario's shoulder, causing the world to shift into a museum's high-ceilinged lobby. Envelopes sat in a basket next to the audio wands at the front desk.

(_~*TAR*~_)

On their way out, Northa and Inngrid passed their trailing allies.

"You are already finished?!" Bobolink asked.

"It is Roadblock," Inngrid replied, not breaking stride. "It is very fast."

"You can catch everyone!" Northa added. "We give you confidence!"

"Confidence accepted, SHA-PLOOEY!"

The childhood friends strapped on their navy blue helmets and ice blue backpacks before motoring their Excitebikes out of the messy parking area.

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in Last Place**

"Oil?" Bobolink repeated. "Blegh. Yours."

"Okay. What kind of oil, SHA-KLANG?"

"It matters not. Just hurry."

"Uh." Swob's eyes widened as he read the details. "It does. I give you oil bath in Roadblock, SHA-WHAM!"

Bobolink twitched. "Vhat?" She yanked the clue away, read it, and then glared angrily toward the entrance. "Vhy zey not tell us zat part?! Ve cannot do zis! I vill not allow it! _Nyet_!"

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

The Toad brothers reappeared onstage in the middle of Bobolink's meltdown. They traded uncomfortable glances and moved outside to read their clue.

**SWOB: 0 pts**

After much sweet-talking, Swob coaxed Bobolink through the "OIL PANIC" door. Her panic escalated.

"Vhat?! Vhy am I in my clothes?! _Nyet_! _NYEEEET_!"

_"I vas not doink Roadblock. Vhy vas I havink to suffer?" Bobolink complained. "I vanted to take penalty. You do not understand. Clothink is my life. My passion! Our wardrobe is all special one-of-kind pieces. I put everyzink into makink zem. Zey are irreplaceable!"_

"It is okay, Linka!" Swob collected his first three drops. "Nora and Inna were all clean! It is only dream, SHA-BAM!"

"_Nyet_, Svob, _nyet_!" Bobolink shrieked hysterically when the bucketful splattered over her. "SVOOOOOB!"

Swob regretted dumping the oil until he watched it disappear. Behind him, an unchecked drop set the stove ablaze and ticked up his miss counter. "You are clean! Open your eyes, SHA-POW!"

Bobolink peeked at herself and found her polished surface squeaky clean. She sighed in relief before shooting the camera her most venomous glare. "I refuse to enjoy zis."

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 3****rd**** Place  
GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

Swindell and Arfur had no more than a minute's jump on the Robbos. Gus read the Route Info and scowled.

"_Mario_ Battle Stadium, _Mario_ Paint Museum. Why does that bully have so many things named after him?"

"Save the world and you'll have buildings in your honor too," Garf said as they ran for the exit. "Though I don't think 'Gus Battle Stadium' or 'Gus Paint Museum' have the same ring to 'em. Needs some _gus_sying up."

Gus shot Garf a you-did-_not_-just-say-that look and slugged his shoulder. "Never again, Garf. That was terrible."

**GOLDY: 30 pts**

"Missed me!"

Goldy bounced back to the doorframe, only to find Grubba drenched with oil. _BEEP. BEEP. BEEP._ Her strike counter reset itself as her score dropped by ten. "GAH! Look at what you did!"

"I didn't do nuthin'! Yer the one who got confused!"

"Be quiet or we're gonna be stuck here the rest of our lives, you blubber-mouthed bigmouth!"

_"Chubba's a giant troll," Goldy said. "I'm onto his big production antics, but I fall for his shenanigans. Every! Single! Time! It's only 'cause I'm his therapist, I swear! I'm supposed to take him seriously!"_

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

"A local museum! How charming," Tally said happily as they ran to their Excitebikes. "Hopefully we will have an opportunity, however brief, to enjoy a couple of paintings."

**MAUDE: 45 pts  
DRAK: 43 pts  
DOUR: 34 pts**

The upper room was small enough to cross in several strides. Maude scurried between the leaks, while Drak and Dour walked at a brisk pace. Flo squealed with every splattering bucketful. Crimson weathered the oil rain in sullen silence. Darkly encouraged his grandfather during the manager-induced droughts.

"_I pretended I was taking a bird bath," Flo joked, "with therapeutic dream oil."_

_ "At one point she said I was helping her re-apply feather dye," Maude chortled._

_ "It takes a lot of preening to keep our feathers this black and shiny. A girl can dream, right?"_

"I never expected to derive gratification from such a juvenile activity…" Drak said.

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: 35 pts**

Toads, Yoshis, and Donkey Kong Juniors steadily trickled out the turret window. Their weights resulted in markedly different fall speeds and bounce heights, forcing the flatmates to make split-second decisions when they were dealing with two species at once.

"Backbackback!" Dupree shouted. "Frontfrontfront!" At one point a Donkey Kong Jr. actually collided with him instead of the trampoline, but bounced anyway; Dupree was too preoccupied to notice.

_"It got hectic really fast," Goom Goom said. "Took us a while to notice we were running back and forth to the same three spots. Those guys were even flying in a straight line. But that didn't make it any easier."_

On their fortieth point, the sky seared sunset orange. A Princess Peach manifestation strolled out the front doors as if the castle wasn't on fire, blew a heart into the air, and retreated back inside. Dupree saw the heart and grinned goofily. It shattered in a cloud of sparkles over their trampoline and removed one of their two strikes.

"I zink an appreciative leetle lass blew us a kiss!"

"Whoa, really? That's motivation!"

"_Oui_! I feel a second weend!"

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 6****th**** Place  
DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 7****th**** Place  
FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

Strikes and stopped buckets resulted in Eve, Drak, and Maude earning their sixtieth points within minutes of each other. Split-screen shots showed the three teams reading their clues and taking off.

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 9****th**** Place**

"We dropped some." Grubba indicated the remaining Excitebikes.

"And whose fault was that?!"

"I wasn't failin' at petrol plumber, so it sure ain't mine!" Grubba shoved on his helmet, tuning out Goldy's rebuttal.

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Currently in 10****th**** Place**

"Good job, Gramps," Darkly said as they hurried outside.

_"Our task management is crucial," Dour said. "I was probably slower than others, but I doubt we lost much time. These minor setbacks are necessary evils if we want to assign the earlier, easier Roadblocks to me, freeing Darkly for the more physically demanding ones later on."_

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 11****th**** Place**

"I passed someone!" Swob exclaimed, seeing the other pair of Excitebikes. "Go me, SHA-BLAMMO!"

"Ve need bigger lead! Ve are second from last!"

"We will pass teams at Detour! I feel it in fuse, SHA-POP!"

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: 60 pts**

The sky darkened to a starless gloaming blue as the evacuees' jump rate accelerated until three or four occupied the airspace at a time. Dupree and Goom Goom struggled to keep up, frequently saving them with only centiseconds to spare.

"One at a time, _s'il vous plait_!" Dupree wheezed. He'd given up on shouting directions and instead yanked Goom Goom every which way.

_"That first Fast Forward got stupid hard toward the end," Goom Goom said. "I was so winded, I couldn't even ask Dupree how many points we had."_

At seventy-eight points, the pair failed to save a Toad. Dupree and Goom Goom guiltily stood by as the Toad dashed away, spouting silent tears. Their strike counter reverted to zero and their score dropped by five.

The reset enabled them to catch their breath and earn their final seven points. They reappeared near the gallery's front row seats and collapsed into the comfortable plush chairs. Dupree opened the Fast Forward award that'd materialized in his hand.

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

" 'Ride your Excitebikes to zee next peet stop: "Dreameeng of zee Moon," located in zee Mario Paint Museum.' "

_"Having won the Fast Forward," Blaise explained in an abbreviated segment, "Dupree and Goom Goom may now skip all tasks and head directly to the next pit stop: 'Dreaming of the Moon.' "_

"I did not see zee _mademoiselles_, but I feel like a 'ero," Dupree said. " 'Ow about _vous_?"

"I guess," Goom Goom said. "I don't think I could've walked away until we finished. Felt too real."

They rested a couple more moments before slowly jogging outside and mounting their Excitebikes.

* * *

**Mario Paint Museum**

**NORTHA &amp; INNGRID: Childhood Friends**

The Bob-omb Buddies parked their bikes in the lot's designated area and took their backpacks as they searched the museum's front wall.

"How we go inside?" Inngrid asked.

"Maybe this?" Northa poked a foot into the vertical banner. "It is like magic storybook!"

They walked through and arrived in the MARIOPAINT™ Title Screen dimension, back in their normal clothes. Neither noticed the 16-bit Mario on their left.

"Is this correct?" Inngrid looked around. "More white than home. Where is clue?"

Just before she walked under the title's first "A," the glove clicked on it. The letter dropped and fell through the ground, taking Inngrid with it. Northa screamed.

"AAAAAAH! INNA!"

Seconds later, both dropped back into place with a popping sound. Practically hyperventilating, Northa searched Inngrid for injuries.

"I am fine," Inngrid said. She gave the letters the stink eye. "Who is that? He wears yellow and red. Sir! You have clue for us?"

"That is…Mario, _da_? Why is he here?"

They called Mario by name several times.

"I do not remember Mario having such rudeness," Inngrid said. "Hello? We are talking to you! Ignoring is disrespectful!"

Exasperated, Inngrid planted herself in Mario's path. It obliviously plowed into her, warping her and Northa to the windowless museum lobby. They looked around, startled by the sudden scenery change.

"What happened?" Northa wondered. "Oh! Clues!"

**NORTHA &amp; INNGRID: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

"This place is stranger than Roadblock," Inngrid said. "Detour. Score or Stamp."

(_~*TAR*~_)

Blaise walked past pictures featuring Mario as a painter, composer, conductor, and filmmaker. "Released in 1992, Mario Paint is this world's first creative arts software package. Its inspirational influence on video game developers continues to shape our world today. This Detour immerses teams in this old-school Player's Choice label. Their choice: Score or Stamp."

**DETOUR  
Score or Stamp**

_*TAR*_

The camera panned across fifteen square icons: Mario's head, a Mushroom, a baby Yoshi, a Starman, a Fire Flower, a Game Boy, a dog, a cat, a pig's face, a swan, a baby face, an airplane, a boat, a car, and a heart. Below the panel were a treble clef and staff against a light turquoise background, along with several editing tools.

"Music Mode was this world's first electronic scorewriter. Rereleased as _Mario Paint Composer_, it became a viral hit and is often used to re-create popular music. **Score** requires teams to notate part of _The Amazing Race_'s theme."

Said theme played mutedly as the camera zoomed out, revealing two SNES Mouse peripherals somehow sharing a Super Nintendo Entertainment System and a wall-sized split-screen editing monitor. Two headphones-wearing Toads dragged icons to the staff, creating a harmonic interval…of a dog's _woof_ and a cat's _meow_.

"Using fifteen SoundFonts that represent instruments and a sound file for reference, they must re-create the twenty-measure main section. A completely faithful rendition isn't necessary, but certain elements must be present."

Following a rapid time lapse, the Toads clicked a Submit button and stepped away from their masterpiece. Soft green light washed over the room as the SNES impossibly spat an envelope from its side.

"Once their composition satisfactorily resembles the original, they'll receive their next clue."

_*TAR*_

The camera panned across tiny paintings of the same fifteen icons. An identical SNES setup occupied this room, but the monitor instead displayed blank 16-by-16 grids and color palettes.

"Small sprites made in Stamp Mode can be used in the game's feature open canvas, Art Mode. **Stamp** requires teams to re-create the fifteen Music Mode icons."

The same Toads, this time wearing maroon berets atop their mushroom caps, collaborated on a single picture by selecting colors from the palette and turning select pixels red or tan.

"They must match the color schemes, but the pixel placement has some leeway. As long as their shapes reasonably overlap the originals when shrunken down to the appropriate size, they will be accepted."

Minutes were condensed into seconds as the Toads completed the Mushroom stamp. They loaded premade versions of the other fourteen stamps before clicking Submit, bathing the workroom in mint green.

"Once all fifteen stamps have been approved, they'll receive their next clue."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"I like music," Northa said. "Score sounds fun."

The navy blue team went down an administrative hallway to a series of painting-covered doors labeled Art Mode, Stamp Mode, Music Mode, Animation Mode, and Coffee Break. They entered Music Mode and found themselves in a soundproof room with frosted glass windows. A mounted widescreen television dominated the wall directly opposite the door, with an ergonomic recording workstation below it holding the SNES, SNES mouse peripherals, and a 1990s-style portable CD player wired into the audio system. Vintage floor speakers stood at all four corners.

"It is real recording studio!" Inngrid exclaimed. "Neat!"

She pressed "Play" on the CD player, allowing _The Amazing Race_'s theme to saturate the room in glorious surround sound. Distinct digital tones demarcated the section of interest.

_"We know traditional folk songs," Inngrid said. "We recognize pitch. We read music. We thought writing song simple."_

After one playthrough, Inngrid paused at the first string hit. "Laaaaaa~. That is sound."

They studied their instrument choices. Northa clicked on the pig head. It grunted. She placed it on a ledger line, resulting in a high-pitched burp. Inngrid made a face. She tested the Game Boy and got an electronic beep. Northa tried the baby head and got a hiccup.

"These are not normal notes," Northa said bewilderedly.

**GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

"Goodbye, my love." Garf gingerly placed his helmet on the Excitebike's handlebars. "Gus, we've _got_ to win this leg! The prize might be two of these!"

They ended up circling the building before trying the banner.

"Figures it'd be the obvious thing," Gus muttered. "Oh crud! Why is _he_ here?!" His expression darkened upon seeing Mario.

The glove clicked the "P," transforming the void into a grassy field littered with trees and Fire Flowers. A car and a train leisurely chugged in, while an airplane and a UFO flew slowly overhead. Everything was Mario's shoulder-height. Gus' eye twitched as the train began oinking.

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 4****th**** Place  
SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

"You guys are still…wherever this is?" Arfur asked.

"Can't find the clue," Garf replied.

"Odd. Looks like a Title Screen." Plenn referenced the previous Route Info.

Above them, the glove clicked on a falling Star. Mystical harp runs played as a mess of objects—all uniform in size—rained from the sky and disappeared through the ground. Cats, dogs, bunnies, teddies, swans, elephants, babies. Bicycles, trucks, boats, buses. Eighth notes, umbrellas, apples, lotus flowers. Game Boys, alarm clocks, rotary dial telephones. Mario flashed a peace sign.

The Rogueporters stared.

"Um." Swindell scratched his head. "I'm…not the only one seriously tripping right now, right?"

Thriff noticed Mario. His eyes widened in recognition. "Ahoy, Captain! What brings you here?"

"Thriff, who're you—oh!" Plenn straightened his vest. "Hey there! One of our best customers! Long time no see!"

Thriff greeted the Keelhaul Key expedition leader with a pat on the back, causing the Toad brothers to vanish. The others noticed and dashed over, Gus sputtering in disgust.

"That doesn't make any sense! Grah!" Scowling, he batted at a falling Mario head. It phased through his arm.

All three teams arrived in the lobby and selected Stamp. They entered the Stamp Mode door seconds apart, yet found themselves in separate workrooms.

"Sounded normal enough, paint a pretty picture," Gus muttered as he reread the instructions. "Of course it's something completely different. We know squat about computers."

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

The one-eyed capital "R" scuttled around and mumbled gibberish sounding like _odnetnin_. Weirded out, the Toad girls shied away and eventually clued into touching Mario. They selected Stamp.

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 7****th**** Place**

The text, the glove, Eve and Podley, their voices, and the post-editing music shook uncontrollably. Only Mario was unaffected. The second "I" cycled through a 15-bit RGB color palette.

"WhY aRe We ShAkInG lIkE tHiS?" Eve asked.

After some distorted, one-sided conversation with Mario—the one who reestablished contact between them—Eve and Podley reached the lobby.

_"We have rusty musical ears supplemented by even rustier musical theory," Podley said. "Given our musical theater backgrounds, it was a natural choice. Not to mention that I've composed my share of ditties. I play a pretty mean harmonica."_

"I remember listening to this when we were watching old episodes," Podley said. "The main part's definitely common time."

"Right. Unless I'm mistaken, the foreground melody repeats one-and-three,"—Eve mimed a conductor's hand movements—"two-three-four."

"Sounds like about 148 beats per minute," Podley estimated.

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

"Well I'll be darned! Gonzales, what're ya doin' here?"

Unhearing, 16-bit Mario continued on its merry way. Grubba gave chase. Overhead, the glove activated the "M," demoting Super Mario to Small Mario. Grubba guffawed and leapt forward in a friendly full-body tackle.

"No need to shrink in fear, son! Ol' Grubba's a changed man!" He belatedly realized he'd smashed into marble floor instead of plumber backside. "Hey, where'd ya go?"

"I blinked and the whole world changed," Goldy said dazedly. "Again."

_"The Great Gonzales landed me in thug therapy! Tweren't for him, I'd've been sittin' might purty at the Glitz Pit with my announcin' gig…" Grubba wore a frustrated grin. "I can barely believe it myself. Scrapped with muscled-up former world champ Macho Grubba and won while packin' some pounds round the middle! Ain't that a tale fer the ages!"_

_"That's the Gonzales guy you've always yammered about?" Goldy scrunched up her face in thought. "Chubbo chump looked kinda familiar."_

"Stamp!" Goldy declared. "I'm tone deaf! You're just plain deaf!"

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 9****th**** Place  
DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 10****th**** Place  
DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Currently in 11****th**** Place**

Split-screen shots showed the Crows searching the Title Screen as staff credits phased in and out overhead, the Dry Bones looking disgruntled as thick rainbow-colored squiggles encircled them, and the Twilighters enjoying a color-inverted world with a vast black darkness. They separately reached the museum lobby. The violet team emphatically chose Score; the other two, Stamp.

_"_The Amazing Race_'s opening sequences are works of art," Flo said. "I actually tried getting my son to arrange it for me back in his flocking band days, but he never did. Hear that, Ronnie? You could've helped your mom out on this Detour!"_

Cue the moms screaming delightedly as the intro theme blasted through the speakers.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: YES! Crank it up!)" Flo upped the volume.

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in Last Place**

The "O" grew a fuse and exploded, harmlessly scattering the letters into pieces before they all bounced back and reassembled.

"Do it again, do it again, SHA-BOOM!" Swob's attention abruptly shifted to Mario as Bobolink ordered him to focus. "Oh! It's you! You erased my graffiti! Why are you here, SHA-SLOOM?"

"Stop talkink about delinquent zink!"

Swob shut his gob. Having heard a rumor that wishes written on the fiftieth floor of the Pit of 100 Trials would come true, he'd exploded down to the dungeon's halfway point and scrawled his desire to marry his dear love. After Mario supposedly blew the wall to smithereens, Swob had resolved to fulfill said wish himself.

_"I like expressing my artsy side!" Swob said. "Doodling graffiti is my hobby. I put heart into it, SHA-POW! But Linka says it is not art like her clothes designing, SHA-BOOIE!"_

They reached the museum lobby and selected Stamp.

* * *

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: x/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/o**

"It's like those classic handheld drawing games," Thriff said as he outlined the car. "Remember those?"

Underneath their onscreen names appeared a photo reel-like strip of the icons, mirroring the picture gallery above the monitor. Plenn's heart on the right end bore a transparent green "o," whereas Thriff's Mario head on the far left had a red "x," indicating that some unsatisfactory element would disqualify it.

"Sure do." Plenn recreated the Mushroom's spots by adding white. "Kinda wish some fellas invented drawing basic shapes between that and this, though."

**GARF &amp; GUS: -/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/o/-/o/-/-/-/o**

"Should've known to pack that magnifying glass," Gus said sarcastically, squinting at the car picture.

"Didn't know we had one," Garf quipped. Having finished the pig and baby faces, he started on the cat—they all used the same tan.

"We don't."

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: -/-/-/x/-/-/x/-/-/-/o/-/-/-/-**

"Whoever finishes seven stamps and starts the extra first gets dibs on the next shower," Swindell said.

His manic clicking all over his editor was matched by his left heel thumping rhythmically against the parquet hardwood. The onscreen graphic rejected his Starman and dog, whereas Arfur's baby face was framed by green.

"Mind cutting out the leg jittering?" Arfur looked up from his partially finished white airplane, eyebrow quirked. "Concentrating's hard enough as is."

"Can't help it. Trying to go fast, and I'm stuck standing here."

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: -/-/-/o/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/o**

"This reminds me of bead art," Deyn said. "Tal, there's light but no shading on the Fire Flower, right?"

"As far as I can tell, that is correct. What of this graceful swan? I believe it incorporates both shades of gray along with black and white. Thoughts?"

"That might be the most complex one. Save it for last, and we'll work on it together."

* * *

Shrouded by dark gray clouds, a glowing full moon shone pixelated light over calm waters. A mysterious green-topped figure wearing a billowing yellow scarf stood, unmoving, at the brink of a seaside cliff, arms outstretched. Much further down the hill was the pit stop, where Blaise waited with a tan dog wearing a thin black box around his neck like a collar.

"Is zees not a romantic night?" Dupree sighed.

"I think it's still daytime," Goom Goom said.

They hopped onto the mat. Undodog wagged his tail and performed a greeting backflip. The bachelors cooed.

"Either him or the giant robotic fly," Blaise muttered. "Dupree and Goom Goom!" His prolonged silence and near-glare splintered their composure. "You are team number one."

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: 1****st**** Place**

Whooping gleefully, Dupree lifted Goom Goom into the air and spun around, nearly hitting Blaise in the face.

"Coming in first has won you a pair of customizable Excitebikes,"—Blaise paused as they cheered again—"_and_ removed your Hazard." They cheered some more. "So you used the first Fast Forward. Leg 2. Was it worth it?"

"_Oui_! We want to be 'ere. We want to win!" Dupree exclaimed. "Now we are on zee level playeeng field and not everyone's safety net!"

_"We are both impulseeve men, driven in zee quest for _amour_," Dupree said. "But I do not 'ave zee same reservations about zee future as _Monsieur _Goom Goom. I love life and I leeve life for zee present. Our actions today shape zee future tomorrow, _non_? We 'ave more control of our fate now."_

* * *

**NORTHA &amp; INNGRID: 0/20 Measures Completed**

"Da-da-da, da-da-daaaa~," Northa intoned. "Same or higher with previous note?"

Below their onscreen names appeared a highly zoomed out graphic of the official score. Pale red shaded the first measure; gray, the other nineteen.

"Sing again," Inngrid requested. Northa complied. "I…have uncertainty."

They listened to the intro through the first ten seconds, paused, rewound, and listened again. Both sustained the pitch of interest as Northa searchingly placed Fire Flowers on the stave, producing a pentatonic scale of trumpet notes.

"_Nyet_." Northa erased them all. "Everything sounds wrong."

"Do that again. Right note is there. We find it soon. Listen closely."

Inngrid replayed the theme up to their trouble spot. Both sang the note as Northa again ascended from A4 to E5, trying to find the Fire Flower's corresponding pitch.

"It sounded lower there," Northa groaned. "I do not know."

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: 2/20 Measures Completed**

"I can't place any more notes on this downbeat." Eve clicked repeatedly, but the swan wouldn't adhere to the stave.

_"Unconventional instruments aside, we realized the program had some strange limitations," Podley said. "Inconsistent sound durations, a maximum of five notes per vertical, and the big one—no eighth notes. That had us hung up for quite some time."_

"I've got it!" Podley began deleting icons, to Eve's consternation.

_"Our musical backgrounds actually hindered us because we were sticking to notational guidelines that didn't work," Eve said. "Four-four time means four beats per measure, generally quarter notes."_

"Three measures contain those short flute trills," Eve said, glancing over their notepads. "I think I could recreate those with sixteenth notes."

_ "We had to repurpose it into some imaginary four-sixteen time," Podley explained. "Each measure lasted a quarter note, and the sixteenth note got the beat."_

They began expanding their original work-in-progress along the measures as described. Podley multiplied the playing tempo by four to bring the song to normal speed.

_"It wasn't exactly an intuitive fix," Podley said. "We were working with eighty measures instead of twenty, so we had to be very careful about counting our beats. Definitely a steep learning curve involved."_

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: 4/20 Measures Completed**

"I can hum this song forward and backward in my sleep," Flo said, "but arranging it's a completely different field of crops."

Both Crows stood on the desk and operated the SNES Mouse peripherals with their feet. Working from memory and liberally applying trial-and-error, they steadily populated their measures with swan string hits, Mario head piano notes, and Mushroom drumbeats.

* * *

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: o/-/o/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/x**

"This disembodied head thing looks freaky!" Goldy complained. Grubba promptly burst into laughter. Height-challenged Goldy glared at him from eye level on the workstation and clicked at his newly completed baby face stamp. "Look at it! It's just eyes and a mouth! Look!"

"Add spikes and it could be yer kid, hyuk hyuk hyuk!"

"WHAT?!"

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: -/-/-/-/-/-/o/o/o/-/-/o/-/-/-**

"Standing here, commanding these devices with our phalanges, poses no challenge." Crimson started placing red for the heart.

"Our ascent through the ranks is assured…" Drak agreed.

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: x/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/o**

"My sight isn't what it used to be." Dour's eyebrows furrowed as he peered up at the examples. "Is the Mushroom red or maroon?"

"Red." Darkly finished correcting Mario's head. He glanced over at Dour's current project, already rife with glaring errors. "Hey, um. Skipping around won't hurt, Gramps. Do the simpler ones and leave the complicated stamps to me."

"…Alright. I'll work on the Star."

_"Gramps is one of my role models. He's overcome a lot of hardships and criticism in his life. I respect that. But working with him one-on-one, perceptions change." Darkly shifted uncomfortably, expression stoic. "I know he's trying his hardest, but he's not the invincible superhero I remember. Not even a geriatric one. I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle at times."_

"Hold up. That's orange. Yellow's one more to the right."

"Sorry."

Darkly finished the car, touched up Dour's abandoned Mushroom, and began working on the airplane.

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: -/-/-/o/-/-/-/-/-/-/o/-/-/-/-**

Graffiti artist Swob and fashion designer Bobolink placed pixels with alacritous accuracy despite their lack of hands.

"Ve vill not be eliminated!" Bobolink moved from the white-heavy swan to the similarly colored dog. "Double digit is definitive loser place!"

"We will succeed, SHA-WHAM!" Swob added the Game Boy stamp's D-pad and buttons.

* * *

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: 8/20 Measures Completed**

"Aren't we just a couple of amateur Crow-mposers," Maude chortled, "turning a masterpiece into an auditory puzzle."

"If it works, it works." Flo hummed along as the intro played softly on repeat, periodically breaking away to vocalize a note's pitch. "I already adore our season's theme so much! It's like classic era pre-_TAR14_ meets _HaMerotz LaMillion_ with a dash of something distinctly Rogueport!"

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: 16/20 Measures Completed**

"It's really coming together," Eve reported.

Three-note patterns of swans and Stars formed the piece's leitmotif through strings and xylophone. Podley fused the Mushroom and boat into a driving drum beat, while Eve tested the previously ignored baby Yoshi, dog, cat, pig, and baby noises for the vocal sections.

**NORTHA &amp; INNGRID: 0/20 Measures Completed**

"I do not know," Northa said helplessly.

_"We are creative, do-it-bomb-self Bob-ombs," Inngrid said. "We always finish all projects. We tried brute force through Score. Breakthrough did not come."_

_ "Before the _Race _we agreed to avoid switching Detours. Too risky," Northa said. "So we did not consider it. Very narrow-minded, _da_. We sunk much time on zero progress."_

"We cannot do this," Inngrid announced. "We must switch."

Northa reluctantly agreed. They grabbed their backpacks, left Music Mode, and entered the next door over.

**NORTHA &amp; INNGRID: -/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-**

In the similar Stamp Mode workroom, they immediately began collaborating on the Mario head stamp.

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: x/o/o/x/o/x/x/o/o/x/o/o/-/x/o**

"Done with the car," Arfur said. "Need any help?"

"Nah. It's just black and white and red all over."

Swindell hastily finished the boat stamp. After a cursory skim over their work, Arfur hit the submission button. Electric crimson flashed through the overhead lights seven times, indicating the number of unsatisfactory stamps.

"That a no?" Swindell scrunched up his face. "They all look fine to me."

"Guess we don't have as much artistic liberty as we thought," Arfur said. "You check mine, I'll check yours. Hopefully it's only one causing the problem."

**GARF &amp; GUS: x/o/o/o/x/o/o/o/o/-/o/x/o/o/o**

"C'mon Gus, potential four-stroke awesomeness on the line!"

"I'm hurrying!" Gus threw some gray pixels on the swan stamp and declared it done. Garf readied their packs and triple-clicked "Submit." The lights reddened four times.

"Dang!" Garf pounded the desk. "What'd we get wrong?"

"I bet it's the guy's freaking face," Gus accused. He pulled up their Mario head replica. "I wouldn't put it past that troublemaker."

"Why'd you outline the duck with black? It's gray on the example!"

"Well fix it! I'm dealing with your screw-up on this one!"

* * *

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: 20/20 Measures Completed**

"We might've gone overboard with detail," Eve said as she reviewed the instructions. Podley shrugged, erasing some stray percussion notes.

"For our first and only composition together, nine instruments isn't nearly complex enough." At Eve's expression, he cleared his throat. "Er, sorry. It's ready now, yes?"

He mashed "Submit." A mini-Mario sprinted atop the measures as the SNES played their rendition at 592 beats per minute. When it finished, chartreuse light washed over the room as the SNES spat a clue out some nonexistent slot. Eve and Podley shouted in celebration.

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

Podley opened the Route Info. " 'Complete the Coffee Break challenge.' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

The camera panned to the Coffee Break door, which had an unassuming black-and-white image of a cup of steaming hot coffee.

"Packaged with _Mario Paint_'s art creation modes is a stress-reliever called Coffee Break…better known as Gnat Attack."

Insects swarmed across a white 14x12 grid in an intimidating buzzing chorus. They parted as a giant robotic fly appeared.

**ROUTE INFO  
****Defeat Watinga**

Footage showed the minigame boss locked in vicious mortal combat with a disembodied hand holding a flyswatter.

"To earn their next clue, teams must complete Level 2 by swatting 100 insects and then defeating the boss, Watinga."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"Oh, how nice," Eve said. "A soothing end to the leg."

They exited Music Mode and eventually noticed the nearby Coffee Break door. Vending machines, a kitchenette, and some square tables occupied the room's left side. _Race_ flags hung above two large screens on the right wall. Below each, the floor tiles had a three-by-five zone of black sprites.

"Strange. The coffeemaker is over on the counter," Podley said. He and Eve stepped up to inspect the screens.

Flyswatters suddenly materialized in their dominant hands. The screen adopted a blue, glasslike quality as the number 100 and five hand icons loaded at the top. "Level 2" flashed in the center.

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: 1****st**** Attempt**

Tiny gray Gnats flew onscreen. Eve reflexively shrieked and whacked them. They plummeted with weird grunting noises.

"What does this have to do with coffee?" Podley joined in. The counter rapidly ticked down.

Large yellow Dragonflies congregated at the sides. _Smack-smack-smack_, _smack-smack_. Tenor drums accompanied each hit. An unattended Dragonfly fired homing spikes that pricked Podley's flyswatter.

It yelped. Podley yelped. Eve yelped. A hand icon disappeared, dropping them to four lives.

"Are you alright?!"

"Surprised is all."

They laid the smack down on the third wave: Bomb Flies. One explosion momentarily incapacitated Eve's hand.

_"When I read 'Coffee Break,' I expected 'drink a cuppa joe' or 'prepare someone's complicated drink order,' " Podley said. "I can do both of those, easy. I wasn't expecting to be swatting killer flies. What does _that_ have to do with a coffee break?"_

A twenty-bug blend of projectile-firing Big Flies and Dragonflies fell by their swatters, emptying the counter. The screen flashed, heralding Watinga's arrival.

"Ohmygoodness, it's _huge_!" Eve screeched, whacking it in the face.

Watinga flew around the stage using jet propulsion and fired pinwheels of stinger missiles from its mandibles. Eve and Podley moved their hands to avoid the projectiles and kept swatting. Poison gas from its abdomen caught Eve unawares, while a dispersing swarm of aggressive flies hit Podley.

Finally, Podley landed the finishing blow. Watinga convulsed—complete with eyes flashing X's, distorted squeals, and a drum roll—and mildly exploded. Disembodied gloves clapped as "CONGRATULATIONS!" appeared onscreen and an envelope fell out. Grimacing, Eve wiped her flyswatter hand on her pants before addressing the Route Info.

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

" 'Make your way to the next pit stop, "Dreaming of the Moon." ' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

Fast shots twisted through the painting-filled halls to a prominently featured nighttime seascape dominated by dark blue.

"Teams must now search the museum for this masterpiece by gamer Hiroko Mizota, winner of the 1997 Satellaview Mario Paint Contest."

**ROUTE INFO  
Go to Pit Stop: Dreaming of the Moon**

Blaise lifted a hand to the painting. It sucked him in, but his figure didn't become visible within the frame.

"This painting, 'Dreaming of the Moon,' is the pit stop for this leg of the race. The last two teams to check in may be eliminated."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"It's in quotes," Eve said. "It could be a piece of artwork."

They returned to the unattended information desk and took a visitor's guide pamphlet, which directed them to the painting.

"This is gorgeous." Eve traced the full moon. "The _real_ soothing end to the leg."

"Rogueport Harbor with none of the rogue and a much-improved view."

Undodog and Blaise received them at the mat.

"Eve and Podley. You're team number two."

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: 2****nd**** Place**

"Two?! Oh my goodness!" Eve joyfully clasped her hands together and hopped up and down. Podley smiled fondly.

_"We've been very fortunate thus far," Eve said. "I knew the Phanto solution for last leg's Roadblock, and today we had a musical Detour. I'm curious to see our performance in a leg without any tasks directly related to our backgrounds."_

_ "Your equity truly knows no bounds." Podley shook his head. "I wouldn't mind riding a wave of familiar tasks to the finals. Maybe tomorrow we can have a true drink-making challenge."_

* * *

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: x/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o**

"A touch more orange, and it's a spitting image of our fella who saved the world," Plenn said. "Old-school, anyway. This right?"

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

The room approved their lineup.

"Yes! Good fix, bro!" Thriff read the clue. They exited Stamp Mode.

**GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

"Finally!" Garf snatched the envelope, blazed through the Route Info, and yanked Gus out the door, nearly bowling over the Toads.

"You!" "You!"

Both pairs spotted the Coffee Break entrance, charged through, and crowded the closest Gnat Attack panel. Plenn and Thriff regarded the flyswatters that appeared in their hands with confusion.

"It's a game!" Thriff realized, swatting the first Gnat.

"There's another one!" Gus pointed out, shoving Garf toward it. "Move!"

The Craws jumped onto the other port. For several seconds, the shamrock and forest green teams engaged in intense insecticide. Spear users Garf and Gus landed decisive thrusts, whereas Plenn and Thriff used quick wrist flicks. Dragonflies stung both teams, sending them into the boss battle with two lives apiece.

"Crud!" Gus fell victim to a poison gas cloud. Garf elbowed him away from the screen, reverting it to a one-player game. "Hey!"

"I got it!"

Watinga's barbs nailed both Plenn and Thriff. Their screen dimmed and their flyswatters disappeared. _Game over_.

"Blimey! How do we restart?" Thriff asked frantically.

Garf's fierce expression intensified. "Blood's in the water!" He knocked their Watinga into submission and shouted in victory.

**GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

"YES! Pit stop! C'mon Gus!"

"Gah! Stop yanking my arm outta my socket!"

The shop owner brothers searched their screen for a resetting mechanism, but found none. Exasperated, they switched to the twins' vacated station. Ninety seconds later, they received their clue.

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

"We can still pass them!" Plenn urged.

Both teams darted blindly through the museum. Finally, one arrived at "Dreaming of the Moon," stepped through, and sprinted across the moonlit field to the pit stop.

"Garf and Gus. You're team number three."

**GARF &amp; GUS: 3****rd**** Place**

"Dang!" both exclaimed. Sighing, Garf continued, "Thought we were in the running. Really hope the prize wasn't some new wheels. That would seriously bite."

"Hey." Gus thumped him on the back. "When we win, you can buy your own pimped out ride. Heck, you could even hire your own motorcycle gang!"

Garf barked out a laugh. "Nah, Ishnail wouldn't like that. Only gang I'm loyal to is you and the guys."

Moments later, the Toads arrived.

"Plenn and Thriff. You're team number four."

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: 4****th**** Place**

_"Score one for the Easties," Gus said. "Rogueport's divided into the have-lots, have-somes, and have-nots. I hate being looked down on like we're scum just 'cause we're poor. There's room for only one set of brothers here, and it sure isn't those uppity Toads."_

As they chatted with Blaise, both sets of brothers avoided acknowledging each other whenever possible.

_"It's scary that our clutch performance didn't deliver," Plenn said. "Even worse, we lost a head-to-head showdown with the Robbos. We gotta make sure that doesn't happen again."_

* * *

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

"Perfectionism does not axiomatically beget leisureliness," Crimson gloated, bones dusted in emerald green. "Our thoroughness is elite, flawless!"

"Naturally…" Inspiration passed over Drak's eyes. "Let this mark a new beginning… Advancing on our first attempt shall be our hallmark…"

"A lofty goal, sufficient to wipe this morning's travesty from our record. We shall make it so."

They cleared Gnat Attack with three lives intact and, after some searching, located the contest-winning painting.

"Drak and Crimson. You're team number five."

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: 5****th**** Place**

"This outcome is most displeasing…" Drak muttered. "But there is a time for deception and a time for domination…"

"Domination?" Blaise looked amused. "With all this big talk, it'd be a shame if you didn't deliver."

"Patience… Long-term strategy is our specialty… The cherished counsel of those who passed before us informs the groundwork we now lay…"

"Hm."

* * *

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

The Crows hummed along as their rendition played over the official theme. Their room green-lighted their progress.

"I hope we made John Keane proud!" Maude chirped.

They immigrated to Gnat Attack. The flyswatters appeared in their talons, forcing them to hover in place using their wings.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Most misleading title of the year!)" Flo eyed the flies. "(_Sub_.: This beats coffee any day!)"

Coordinating their flight to repeatedly strike at the screen was an unfamiliar motion; they failed their first try spectacularly, with over forty insects remaining. They momentarily perched on a table to recover.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: It's like hunting…with a weapon.)" Flo said.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Now there's a novel idea.)" Maude chortled. "(_Sub_.: I remember Bob saying his distant family on the islands did that.)"

Their second attempt saw marked improvement, but Watinga's appearance derailed their survival. Distracted to the point of salivation, they fell prey to its stingers and homing flies. They righted the natural order on their third shot by swatting Watinga into oblivion and claiming their clue.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: How I wish that was real food!)" Flo said. "(_Sub_.: I'm feeling peckish!)"

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 7****th**** Place  
TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 8****th**** Place  
SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 9****th**** Place  
DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Currently in 10****th**** Place**

Flash cuts showed the four teams getting their stamps approved, reading their clues, and entering Coffee Break. Dour and Darkly arrived to find two games in progress and an antsy Swindell and Arfur waiting. Having stood throughout the Detour, Dour collapsed gratefully into a chair.

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: 4****th**** Attempt  
TALLY &amp; DEYN: 2****nd**** Attempt**

"I want to blow up bugs, SHA-PLOOM!"

"Disgustink pests be gone! Svob, move!"

The armless Bob-ombs lacked their competitors' range of motion and frequently bumped into each other as they hopped around, swatting insects. Their flyswatters seemingly twirled through the air at will. Swob accidentally whapped off Bobolink's chestnut-colored beret.

"Ack! _Svob_!"

"Heh. Game has 3D effects, SHA-P—owie! Linka, that hurt!"

Meanwhile, the Toads entrusted a half to each other and avoided interfering unless one called for assistance. They swatted with precise, dainty movements, both looking visibly uncomfortable. Tally quietly murmured a constant stream of apologies.

"EEEEEK! Giant bug!" Bobolink screamed as Watinga appeared for the third time. "_DIIIIEEEE_!"

The pink team defeated Watinga and stepped away from the screen, making room for the cerulean team. Watinga exploded on the brown team's screen shortly after.

"It actually blew up, SHA-POP!" Swob said giddily. He and Bobolink stayed in the active zone to read the clue, preventing the red team from starting. Darkly glared.

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 7****th**** Place**

"I saw a gift shop on the way in," Deyn informed Tally as they departed. "Maybe they've got a map."

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

"I always wanted to blow up on moon, SHA-DOOM!" Swob exclaimed happily. "Truly dream come true, SHA-PLOOIE!"

"Is clearly artwork name, not real moon!" Bobolink berated. "_Po__é__khali_! (_Sub_.: Let's go!)"

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: 1****st**** Attempt  
DOUR &amp; DARKLY: 1****st**** Attempt**

"Everything moves so fast," Dour said worriedly. "I can barely follow it all."

"Keep your hand out of danger. Do what you can," Darkly instructed. Their first Gnats buzzed onscreen. "Leave the rest to me."

Dour's poor reflexes rendered him a liability. He stepped back early on, removing his flyswatter from danger and his body from Darkly's way. Swindell and Arfur, already below twenty insects, looked primed for a perfect run.

"These are the weirdest-sounding bugs I've ever squashed," Arfur said.

"I think in my past life I was a centipede," Darkly said nonchalantly, smacking down Bomb Flies. "Sucks that I'm killing my former brethren."

Overhearing this, both Swindell and Arfur momentarily lost focus. Big Fly projectiles connected, dropping their lives to three. Watinga's poison gas and drone clouds stole the remainder.

"Shoot!" Swindell shouted. "Okay, we lost! Why isn't this thing going?"

"Step off and back on!" Arfur suggested. They did so. The game reloaded.

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Currently in 9****th**** Place**

Darkly near-singlehandedly cleared the level with two lives to spare. He threw both backpacks over his shoulders, read the clue, and pulled Dour out to the museum foyer.

"Run with everything you've got, Gramps!"

"I pray it's not upstairs…"

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 10****th**** Place**

"Yeesh. That killer bee's death animation? Freaky stuff." Swindell caught the envelope and speedily read the Route Info. "C'mon, Arfur! Granddark has the Hazard!"

* * *

**NORTHA &amp; INNGRID: o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/-/-/-/-/-**

"Majestic snow bird is good, _da_!" Northa said, admiring their swan. "Next is…scary baby face?"

The childhood friends experimented with the submission mechanics from the get-go. They correctly interpreted the room's red flashes as their number of incorrect stamps, and used that information to tweak their work-in-progress until it was satisfactory.

"We are doing good," Inngrid said. "We keep this pace!"

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: o/o/o/o/o/o/o/x/o/x/o/o/o/o/x**

"Dog my cats, it's yer dog an' cat!" Grubba exclaimed. "That spotless Dalmation's all plump-like, and kitty-kitty's got spots and stripes!"

"My animals are all right!" Goldy argued. "It's your car that's wrong!"

Meanwhile, the therapist and patient disagreed on which stamps needed fixing (their cat, swan, and heart).

"Now, I'm sure it's hard seein' all the way up yonder when yer shorter than a baby bean plant—"

"MEORK! I can see it just _fine_!"

"—but I painted that car like a doggone luxury limousine!"

* * *

Undodog sneezed. Startled, the Crows squawked and hopped back off the mat, Maude falling on her rump.

"Flo and Maude. You're team number six."

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: 6****th**** Place**

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Sixth on a leg where every task was physically awkward? We'll take it!)" Maude said. She and Flo moved to hug Blaise, but he would have none of it.

Later, two teams accessed the painting's world, with one winning the ensuing footrace by a definitive margin.

"Tally and Deyn, Swob and Bobolink. You're teams seven and eight."

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: 7****th**** Place  
SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: 8****th**** Place**

The Toads cheered and hugged; the Bob-ombs cheered and kissed.

Minutes later, two shadowy figures dropped into the seascape.

"Fourth night sky in less than twelve hours," Darkly said, smiling slightly. "Cool."

He full-on sprinted to the mat. Even Dour moved with a marked spring to his step, cane not hitting the ground until he arrived next to Darkly.

"Dour and Darkly. You're the ninth team to arrive." They sighed in relief. "Your Hazard demotes you to tenth, but you'll have to wait for the next team to arrive before I can check you in."

They weren't kept waiting long.

"Swindell and Arfur. You're team number nine. Dour and Darkly. You're now officially team number ten."

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: 9****th**** Place  
****DOUR &amp; DARKLY: 10****th**** Place**

Swindell whistled. "Major close call." He and Arfur exchanged high-fives with fellow East Rogueporter Darkly and handshakes with Dour.

_"I did this leg's Roadblock, but Darkly did everything else," Dour huffed. "He should be able to depend on me like a real teammate. Right now I'm like a tombstone chained to his leg. That has_ _to change."_

* * *

**NORTHA &amp; INNGRID: o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/-/-**

"Two more," Inngrid said. "We focus and give them knockout."

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/x**

"I'm tellin' ya, it's yer heart!"

"What?! It's red with white shinies! That's too easy for me to get wrong! "

"Well, we checked everythin' else already!" Grubba smeared a blue streak around the heart's edge, eliciting angry protests from Goldy, and clicked "Submit." The lights reddened once. He grinned victoriously and made some edits before submitting again. Their SNES produced a clue.

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 11****th**** Place**

"Three for three! I'm a modern Michelangelo Picasso da Vinci!" Grubba framed his hands around the pixel art heart.

"Whatever!" Goldy said, bouncing spitefully onto his head, then to the floor. "Read it and let's go!"

They initially left the administrative hallway, but found Coffee Break after consulting a map.

"We get to splat itsy-bitsy li'l bugs into bug juice?" Grubba guffawed. "Now this is too funny! Hya!"

He swatted the insects down sharp little karate chops, complete with kiai. Goldy bounced erratically around him, keeping her flyswatter away from projectiles while making unexpected hits. Watinga caught both off-guard with his first round of mouth-fired stingers, but the pair easily overwhelmed it with repeated smacks.

" 'Make your way to the next pit stop, "Dreaming of the Moon." ' What kinda place has a fancy pants name like that?" Grubba asked, stumped.

**NORTHA &amp; INNGRID: Currently in Last Place**

" 'Complete the Coffee Break challenge,' " Northa read. "Coffee? I like tea more."

"I doubt task is drinking coffee," Inngrid said.

They entered the empty Coffee Break room. Their flyswatter finesse easily exceeded that of their Fahr Outpost allies; they completed Gnat Attack Level 2 on their first attempt with three lives remaining.

" 'Warning: The last two teams may be eliminated!' " Northa read. "I have much hope we are not there."

Ignoring museum etiquette, both teams ran through the hallways, shooting superficial glances at the paintings. Grubba impulsively tried leaping into an incorrect moon-related picture. He smashed his belly against it and toppled backwards, to Goldy's delight. A heavy back-and-forth montage concluded as one team entered "Dreaming of the Moon" and dashed up to the mat. Undodog sniffed at them curiously.

"Ick! Personal space, mutt!" Goldy bounced around to Grubba's other side.

"Goldy and Grubba. You are the second-to-last team to arrive."

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: 11****th**** Place**

"What in the hey?" Grubba muttered, looking stunned. Goldy's jaw dropped abnormally far.

"This…is _not_ a predetermined double elimination leg. You are still in the _Race_."

Goldy rocked backwards in relief. Grubba exhaled and then broke out in boisterous laughter.

"Hoo, you sure had me goin' there! Got the suspense down pat, son—I was sweatin' more bullets than a machine gun!"

"That's my job," Blaise replied.

Some time later, the navy blue team sprinted to the mat. Undodog backflipped in greeting. The Bob-omb Buddies gave a subdued reaction, attentions transfixed on Blaise.

"Northa and Inngrid. You are the last team to arrive."

**NORTHA &amp; INNGRID: Last Place**

Inngrid cursed softly and closed her eyes.

"And I'm very sorry to tell you this, but you have been eliminated from the _Race_."

They nodded, visibly disappointed.

"You two were leading until the Detour," Blaise said. "What happened?"

"We are stubborn, like lit fuses traveling toward water," Inngrid said neutrally. "We always go toward goal, even if not good."

"_Da_, _da_. We picked fun-sounding option, not fast option," Northa said. "We stayed too long. Too much to figure out."

_"We focus on good times over bad. Much good, _da_," Northa said. "We saw wonderful places, met nice people, and learned new things. We spent time away from cold and snow. Best first vacation ever, _da_!"_

_"Was it all dream? Outcome was like nightmare that changed in second."_

_ "It matters not. We shared experience together as best friends, _da_? That is most important."_

_ "You are right. I feel same."_

_ "Travel is very fun! I hope we have more adventures in future."_

Northa and Inngrid performed a standing backflip off the mat and walked away.

* * *

_"Next time," Miles narrated, "_The Amazing Race _meets the Real World!"_

"Beijing, China?!" Goom Goom's eyes widened.

_"It's a leg of Olympic crossover proportions!"_

Flash cuts showed Chao waddling around a racetrack and an Egg Pawn wielding a ping pong paddle.

"Lookin' good, Tal!" Deyn cheered. Tally looked mortified over her form-fitting competition swimsuit.

"Imagine he's a Pianta!" Gus shouted. Garf parried his opponent's épée.

_"But no matter where we go, one thing's the same. Taxis can make or break the game."_

"Why isn't anyone stopping?!" Flo screamed hysterically.

"These worthless mortals…" Drak stormed past the camera, nearly colliding with it in his blind fury.

"_All this and more on Episode 3: Going for the Gold!"_

* * *

**End of EPISODE 2**

* * *

Easter Eggs  
\- The Roadblock's bucket requirement, 60, is the maximum damage for Mr. Game &amp; Watch's Oil Panic in Super Smash Bros. Brawl.  
\- The Fast Forward's evacuee goal, 80, is from the year Fire was originally released: 1980.  
\- Stamp's 15-sprite requirement comes from the original game's Stamp Mode having space for 15 custom sprites and Music Mode having 15 SoundFonts.

_**Author's Notes**_ (5/4/16): Northa and Inngrid's Russian circus buff gave this incarnation a much-needed competitive edge. They've always been an early elimination (3rd in Ver. 1, 1st in Ver. 2) with Bobolink partly responsible (U-turned and backstabbed, respectively). This time, however, is all on them.

In light of midseason leg design, some of this stuff is too difficult/subjective for Leg 2, especially the Fast Forward and that Detour. Yeesh. As if someone could arrange _TAR_'s opening in Mario Paint Composer under _Race_ conditions.


	4. Ep 3: Going for the Gold

_**The Amazing Race 4: Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door Edition**_**  
EPISODE 3: Going for the Gold  
**_**Mario is Missing!**_** / **_**Mario &amp; Sonic at the Olympic Games**_

* * *

_"Previously, on _The Amazing Race_," Blaise narrated, "twelve teams dream-hopped from Subcon to a conglomeration of classic games. Excitebike racing ignited new rivalries…"_

Composite shots showed Garf and Tally's photo finish, Grubba hindering Darkly, and Goom Goom stalling Drak and Crimson.

_"…while Gnat Attack fueled preexisting animosity."_

Garf swatted Watinga into oblivion. Plenn and Thriff looked on, frustrated.

_ "Fearing the Hazard, Dupree and Goom Goom used their Fast Forward."_

Panting hard, the flatmates bounced one last Toad to safety.

"You're team number one," Blaise announced. "Coming in first has removed your Hazard."

"YES!" Goom Goom exclaimed.

_"After being frontrunners throughout the first two legs, childhood friends Northa and Inngrid's misguided persistence at the Detour proved costly…"_

Northa placed notes up and down the stave. "I do not know."

_"…as they became the second team eliminated."_

"We had much fun," Northa said. "We give you many thanks."

_ "Eleven teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?"_

* * *

Opening shots of the Mario Paint Museum fizzled, replaced by static. Instead, the camera panned up an imposing stone castle surrounded by snowy mountains. Immense polar storms raged in the distance.

"For the past two legs, the teams have been racing in their dreams," Miles narrated. "Time to wake up! Their physical bodies have been relocated to one of Bowser's Castles…in the Real World! It's long-abandoned and out in the middle of nowhere. Perfect for the starting point of the third leg in a _Race_ around the world! …Or worlds, I guess. Galaxies, when we hit the endgame… Anyway!

"Dupree and Goom Goom, who arrived first at 11:04 AM, will depart at 11:04 PM!"

* * *

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: 1****st**** to Depart, 11:04 PM**

All remaining racers were chained at the hands and feet (body, in Goldy's case) by metal spiked cuffs to stone beds. A time release mechanism opened those of Dupree and Goom Goom as they awakened.

Dupree sat up and glanced around, rubbing his wrists. "Honh… Where are we?"

They found their backpacks sitting at the feet of their beds. Goom Goom opened the clue.

" 'Welcome to…A-Antarctica?' Whoa. 'Enter the PORTALS to…Beijing, China?!"

(_~*TAR*~_)

A Koopaling with wild blue hair and a single bucktooth scoffed as he reviewed SNES compositions and pictures from the Leg 2 Detour.

"Slipshod work from uncultured simpletons," Ludwig von Koopa said. "If you delighted in the teams' struggles in the dream worlds, their suffering in the waking ones will be a blissful symphony! They've awakened in Lord Bowser's Real World Antarctic castle, the base of our Hafta Havit hairdryer campaign."

Suits of armor guarded a series of red radius top doors. Ludwig stood beside one, a stack of complex-looking gold devices at his feet.

"I'm waiting at the first-floor Passcode Operated Remote Transport and Larceny System, where I'll hand them a Mini-Timulator. It's crucial for a future leg, so I'd wager someone will lose it and get punished with a severe time penalty. Teams can then warp to Beijing."

He waved his jeweled magic wand like a conductor's baton, initiating the 2008 Summer Olympics' feature song, "Beijing Welcomes You." The camera traveled through the door into China's Northern Capital.

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: Beijing, China**

Early evening shots showcased several landmarks, including the CCTV Headquarters, The Place, and Shichahai. As evening passed into night, the final shots zoomed down a major thoroughfare illuminated in gold to a wide red building topped with a multi-inclined roof and imperial decorations.

"Arriving on Chang'an Avenue, they'll need to find the Forbidden City, which served as the emperor's palace during the Ming and Qing Dynasties."

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: Forbidden City**

"Their next clue is through the Gate of Heavenly Peace, an entrance we stole when we took over Beijing. Heh. Good times."

(_~*TAR*~_)

" 'You have 250 yuan for this leg of the _Race_.' "

Dupree tried stuffing the paper currency into their magic credit card. When that didn't work, he simply stashed the bills in the fanny pack.

_"Dupree's kinda like my mentor," Goom Goom said. "He's got an established career, he's well-traveled, and he's done lotsa stuff. More life experience. But I _refuse _to take his advice on my dating life. His track record is worse than mine. Don't tell the guy I said this, but his pickup lines are horrible!"_

"So Antarctica. Crazy. I'm glad we aren't freezing to death right now," Goom Goom commented.

"_Oui_. I 'ave never been 'ere. Eet eez strangely warm and toasty."

They paused curiously in the heat from a glowing red doorframe. The room beyond was filled with lava. A Blargg rose from the depths and winked at them. They screamed and ran off.

_"Worst to first and _sayonara _to the Hazard and Fast Forward," Goom Goom recapped. "I'm loads more comfortable about that decision now. Tasting victory and tossing out some stress is just what we needed."_

Purple Afro Man and Luscious Blue Locks stared appraisingly at each other.

"Zee symmetry of your coiffure eez a zeeng of beauty. _C'est vraiment magnifique_! (_Sub_.: It's really magnificent!)"

"Much appreciated. I must commend you for maintaining such admirable height in your circumstances."

"_Oui_! Finally, someone who understands my plight, honh honh!"

Goom Goom squinted at them in disbelief. "Hogging the bathroom taking forever to get ready isn't a plight; it's a problem. Hate to interrupt your big hair bonding session, but we gotta get a move on!"

Ludwig rolled his eyes, but gave Dupree a Mini-Timulator. "You'll need this."

"What eez eet?"

"All will be explained in due _time_. Don't lose it."

Dupree nodded and tucked the gold-colored contraption under his arm. Approximately the size of a dictionary but five times as heavy, it was too bulky for most racers to simply store in their backpacks without first rearranging their belongings.

Rusty creaks of protest emanated from the red roller door as it opened upward. The lime green team proceeded through…

* * *

**Beijing, China**

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Bachelors/Flatmates**

…and emerged from a Warp Pipe in a lightly wooded area. It was early morning due to the six-hour time zone difference between Bowser's Antarctic castle and Beijing.

A flashlight suddenly illuminated them, blinding Goom Goom. Sunglasses-wearing Dupree was mostly unaffected.

"Welcome to Beijing," the human police officer said. "You are standing near Chang'an Avenue, Beijing's main street. Please look north."

"All I'm seeing are spots," Goom Goom muttered.

"That is your destination: Tiananmen, the Gate of Heavenly Peace. Have a safe journey."

Dupree and Goom Goom thanked him and began jogging.

"_I am no stranger to zee moderne metropolis. Mushroom City eez very, very big," Dupree said. "When we took zose first steps eento Beijing, I could tell eet was like notheeng I 'ave seen before! Zee Chang'an Avenue eez ten lanes wide! I was very curious to see everytheeng een zee daytime."_

"Opens at 8:00 AM." Goom Goom frowned at the sign. "Maaaan, now everyone's gonna catch up…"

* * *

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: 2****nd**** to Depart, 12:22 AM**

"One moment we're standing at the pit start, the next we're in Antarctica, land of ice and lava-filled castles." Podley chuckled as they descended down a staircase. "Insanity from the get-go."

_"After a lot of soul searching, I'd made peace with how my life has turned out," Eve said. "It's not quite what I'd envisioned, but I was truly happy. Then Podley contacted me, the _Race _happened, and old wounds reopened."_

_"Those first few days trying to reconnect were rough waters, but I'd say the pain is worth it."_

_ "Absolutely. Creating new memories like this, I feel like the luckiest person in the world."_

**GARF &amp; GUS: 3****rd**** to Depart, 12:35 AM**

"I'm not even gonna ask how we got here," Gus muttered. Garf pinched him. "Ow! What was that for?"

"Just checking. I think we're awake for real."

_"Growing up, we pretended the yin-yang symbol was our personal twin emblem," Garf said. "It fits so well. He burns with fiery passion, I'm chiller than ice. We're opposites who complement each other, and we're at our strongest when we're together."_

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: 4****th**** to Depart, 12:37 AM**

"There's a _face_ on this money." Thriff showed Plenn a 100-yuan bill bearing Mao Zedong's visage.

"That's…different," Plenn said. "Fella must be important."

_"Going to Keelhaul Key is the best decision I ever made," Thriff said. "Opening the Galleria, learning to live with limited essentials, and having a say in the shantytown's developments—none of that would've happened if I'd stayed in my comfort zone. I've become an independent fella, and I hope Plenn will see that."_

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: 5****th**** to Depart, 12:44 AM**

"These monotonous architectural designs beget negative visual engagement…" Drak droned.

"This place is old," Ludwig said. "1992."

"Her Majesty's palace boasts the sublime designs of a civilization from a thousand years past," Crimson said.

"Chronologically speaking—you know what?" Ludwig shoved a Mini-Timulator at Drak. "Take this and go away."

_"We were but pawns on Her Majesty's chessboard…" Drak said. "We moved and fell as dictated by her master plan… Now we are free to explore these lands… I must find purpose if I am to live another millennium…"_

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: 6****th**** to Depart, 12:59 AM**

"China legs often look really hard on the show," Flo said as they scurried to the PORTALS. "I'm excited we're going there, but also pretty nervous. I'd love a task with Chinese street food!"

"_We take inspiration from so many mom teams before us," Maude said. "We hope to make them, all _Race _moms, and all the mothers out there proud!"_

_ "I'm hoping I don't become a Flo-level partner," Flo joked._

_ "Oh, Florence dear, don't be silly! You're a Falconet-level partner!"_

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: 7****th**** to Depart, 1:08 AM**  
**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: 8****th**** to Depart, 1:09 AM**

Tally roused the Bob-ombs. "Excuse me, sir, madam. Good morning. Please forgive us, but we're out of complimentary Omelette Meals today." Deyn laughed.

"Zis is not museum," Bobolink said. "Vhere are ve?"

"Antarctica, apparently."

Swob perked up. "We are on coldest and snowiest continent? We must explode outside to mark occasion, SHA-KOWIE!"

_"We are natural people persons," Tally said. "Establishing genuine connections, aside from being enjoyable, opens doors and is good business practice. We are here to win, make no mistake, but we want to enrich our experience by making new friends along the way as well."_

"Please-please-please-please-pleeeeaaase! Just one, SHA-BOOM! Exit to once-in-a-lifetime explosion memory right there, SHA-CRACKITY!"

"Fine! Only one! _Skoree_! (_Sub_.: Hurry up!)"

Swob hustled outside, nestled into the snow, and exploded, creating a decent-sized crater. He laughed joyously, but stopped when he realized he was alone.

"Linka, why did you not follow? Explosion is not special if it is not together, SHA-GACK!"

"Ve have not time for zis! Toads already left! Come!"

Swob followed, mood considerably dampened.

_"I say and do whatever I want most of time, SHA-PLOWIE!" Swob said in a lone interview. "I filter myself for Linka because I know she has image to keep, SHA-FOOM! I must appear like perfect boyfriend! I cannot lose her to peer pressure, SHA-KRACK!"_

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: 9****th**** to Depart, 1:12 AM**  
**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: 10****th**** to Depart, 1:13 AM**

"The Forbidden City, huh?" Dour echoed. "That was Twilight Town in our darkest hours. Wonder what this place's story is."

He and Darkly left the holding chamber. A few minutes later the cerulean team caught up, and they headed to the PORTALS together.

_"This is a rough role reversal," Dour said. "As mayor, I'm used to having control. Handing over the reins to a family member feels foreign, but it must be done. Darkly is simply better-equipped to lead and actively make decisions for us, but I can help guide him from a supervisory role."_

_ "Nice try," Darkly said. "That's called backseat driving, Gramps." Dour chuckled._

The officer spotlighted the group. Darkly hissed. Swindell instinctively threw his hands in the air.

"I'm innocent, I swear! Theft-free for 204 days!"

"I do believe you stole ninth place on a technicality yesterday," Dour joked. Swindell pointed at him.

"Totally legal!"

"You did the key-stealing Roadblock," Arfur said. Swindell redirected his pointer finger.

"Also totally legal!"

_"Arfur's a thinker, I'm more of a doer," Swindell said. "In another life, he'd probably be spouting philosophical ideas and changing the world. His brain's saved my hide many times when I didn't look before I leapt. I'm glad we're friends."_

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Last to Depart, 1:32 AM**

"An Olympic host city!" Grubba mimicked the Dancing Beijing emblem and hopped off the bed. "Today we're going for the gold!"

"I can get behind that!"

_"I ain't gettin' any younger," Grubba said in a lone interview. "I gotta work my assets to make sure I'm set after I leave the PRI. Course, I'm retirin' with many a purty penny after I win, but I'm an active guy. Gotta find projects to keep myself busy! So I'm puttin' all my talents on display. I'm gonna be the single most dominatin' force this _Race _has ever seen! Goldy's only here 'cause I picked her outta convenience. She ain't a teammate. She's my ball-and-chain. And I'm winning despite her."_

* * *

Early morning transition footage included the Tiananmen Square flag-raising ceremony at sunrise, locals practicing qigong and tai chi, and musicians playing opera songs on _huqin_ instruments. As local time approached 8:00 AM, the teams congregated at Tiananmen's entrance. Swob's face fell as he took stock of everyone.

"Nora and Inna were eliminated?" he realized, dismayed.

"_Da nu_! (_Sub_.: You don't say!)" Bobolink said, genuinely surprised. "Zey vere first leavink Roadblock, _da_? Maybe zey had major implosion."

"Quadrubomb Squad fizzled before it had chance to detonate, SHA-DOOM! We will win _Race_ for them, SHA-POW!"

Meanwhile, Dour and Eve quietly exchanged brief summaries of their Leg 2 performances.

_"We formed an alliance with Mayor Dour and his grandson back on the first night. Team Twilight," Eve said. "They're struggling a bit, so I'd love to help them beat the Hazard if the opportunity arises. But Podley doesn't feel the same."_

_ "I have nothing against either of them. Darkly and I are on friendly terms. I'd just rather not go out of our way to enlarge the target on our backs with an obvious alliance. Remember, we currently have the best game r__é__sum__é__ and the Express Pass in our back pocket. Some people are catching on."_

At 8:00, the teams were permitted to enter. Swindell reached the clue box with everyone seconds behind.

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

" 'March with the Chinese military.' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

Human soldiers wearing pine green open-collar uniforms strode toward the camera. Miles resumed normal hosting duties.

"Teams will now join the People's Liberation Army in a morning march around Taihedian Square. This space precedes the Hall of Supreme Harmony, a ceremonial building known as China's largest surviving wooden structure, and spans 30,000 square meters."

**ROUTE INFO  
Jump in Line**

Two uniformed Koopas fell in with a block of soldiers.

"If an officer finds someone visually disruptive for too long, the team'll be pulled from formation and must start over. Harsh. Once they complete a lap, they'll receive their next clue."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"This is our challenge to dominate," Crimson told Drak.

Soldiers led the teams past Zhongshan Park and the Working People's Cultural Palace and through the Meridian Gate into the Forbidden City's Outer Court.

_"City vithin city vas very big. Very impressive," Bobolink said. "It had imperial, dominant atmosphere. Ze architecture vas incredible. Fit for royalty."_

Gender-divided tents outside the Hall of Military Eminence contained Type 07 Army Uniforms. The teams quickly changed into coats, trousers, patrol caps, and black leather boots, as appropriate for their bodies. They then went through the Hongyi Pavilion to the edge of Taihedian Square. Blocks of soldiers marched clockwise around the inner perimeter, arms and legs moving sharply in unison. Each block ran five wide and three deep, with a two-person gap on the outer back corner.

"How am I supposed to mimic _that_?!" Goldy cried.

"Only one way to find out, pard!" Grubba grabbed her, ran to an incoming block, and plunked her down. His width made him stick out, but he effortlessly matched the precise movements. Appendage-less Goldy struggled controlling her bounces to coincide with the soldiers' footfalls.

"Dibs!" Swindell yelled. He and Arfur hopped into the next block before it reached the starting area.

The forest green, shamrock green, lime green, brown, violet, pink, and lavender teams ran and claimed the succeeding blocks, in that order. Drak and Crimson slipped into the next available opening when it passed. Finally, Dour and Darkly joined the procession.

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: 1****st**** Attempt**

"You can do this, Gramps," Darkly said, taking the corner post. He matched the soldiers reasonably well, but couldn't shield Dour's cane from view.

"_These stuffed joints are no longer used to long strides or choppy arm movements," Dour said. "I depend on my cane to walk. It's both my handicap and my hindrance."_

Meters from the starting point, their supervising officer tapped Dour's shoulder and motioned them out of formation. They'd failed.

"Oh, badness," Dour grumbled. "I don't know if I can keep that pace around this entire square."

Darkly's expression hardened. "Let's try again. We'll jump in earlier and work up to it."

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: 1****st**** Attempt**

"Swaggerin' without the swagger!" Grubba exclaimed. "This is too darned easy!"

They rounded the first corner and advanced onward, oblivious to the soldiers' subtle change. After several seconds, their officer prodded Goldy with a rifle.

"Ow! Hey! I was on time!"

"Clearly not, if ya made us fail!" Grubba shouted. They rushed back to the start and tried again. "You leave me no choice, pard! Left! Left! Left, right, left!"

"You buffoon, I don't have legs!" Goldy shouted. Several soldiers side-eyed their theatrics.

**GARF &amp; GUS / PLENN &amp; THRIFF / DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM / SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK / FLO &amp; MAUDE / TALLY &amp; DEYN: 1****st**** Attempt**

"What'd we do wrong?" Thriff asked. The officer didn't respond.

"Maybe it's not as straightforward as we thought," Plenn said. "Looks like we need to watch the technique closer."

One-by-one, the other teams were abruptly stopped after reaching the same spot.

"Ve have no arms! Ve should have passed on first try!" Bobolink griped. "Svob, your hometown is like military camp! Vhat happened?"

"Maybe we must kick our legs higher! Like can-can, SHA-CRASH!"

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: 1****st**** Attempt**

"Did someone give a command?" Eve asked. Some soldiers' heads now faced the Hall of Supreme Harmony. "These gentleman are looking over there."

"Good catch! That might be what's getting everyone turned back," Podley said. They both turned their heads left while continuing the forward march. Seconds later, their officer pulled them. "Or maybe not."

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: 1****st**** Attempt**

_"Our armies overwhelm by swarming," Crimson said, "but I marched my troops in the castle's confined quarters for solidarity. Naturally, I caught the detail everyone overlooked. While marching parallel to that raised building, soldiers on the inside tilted their heads toward it. Those on the edges remained facing forward."_

"That edifice must be the resting place of their leaders…" Drak speculated, eyes front.

They completed one full uninterrupted lap and accepted the clue from their officer.

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

" 'Make your way to the Temple of Heaven—' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

Rapid shots reached a complex of buildings with dark blue tile roofs.

"Teams must now make their way to the Temple of Heaven," Miles narrated, "a UNESCO World Heritage Site of three buildings used for religious ceremonies."

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: Temple of Heaven**

Women wearing red _cheongsams_ sat outside a triple-gabled circular building, drinking tea.

Ludwig added, "We stole the Hall of Prayer for Good Harvests, a wooden building constructed without nails."

"Illegal, but pretty impressive," Miles said. "Outside that hall, teams will be treated to a nice, calming gongfu tea ceremony before they receive their next clue."

(_~*TAR*~_)

The distant cousins raced back to the changing tents, traded the uniforms for their belongings, and left the Forbidden City. They arrived on Chang'an Avenue's north side and began waving at the morning rush hour traffic. Several empty taxis passed, but none stopped.

"Subcon's taxis were at our beck and call," Crimson said, frustrated. "Why are these not equally eager to accept our patronage?"

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 2****nd**** Place  
TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 3****rd**** Place  
GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 4****th**** Place  
FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 5****th**** Place  
SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

After a couple of attempts, several teams caught the head nuance and completed the march. However, no one could hail a taxi.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_: We need to get away from everyone.)" Flo said. "(_Sub_.: Maybe we can call for a taxi somewhere.)" She and Maude snuck eastward, unnoticed.

_"Sometimes cities have transportation rules that tourists aren't privy to," Deyn said. "Since the cabs were being copouts, we decided to take the Beijing Subway. But breaking away from the pack can be a huge risk, so we wanted to get some accomplices in case we messed up."_

"Our clue does not specify using a taxi," Tally said. "Would you be willing to brave the subway until the traffic passes?"

"Ooh, I don't know," Plenn said. "Everything's written in Mandarin. Are you sure we won't get hopelessly lost underground?"

"We regularly navigated Mushroom City's subway system as students. I believe we can figure this one out."

"Four brains are better than two," Deyn chimed in.

"I say we go for it, bro," Thriff said. "We're getting nowhere with these fellas anyway."

Plenn acquiesced. The four headed to the nearby Tian'anmen East Station.

"Excuse me." Tally showed a local the Temple of Heaven's characters at the bottom of her clue. "Could you please help us get here?"

Using a map, the group traced their route: east on Line 1 to Dongdan Station, then south on Line 5 to Tiantandongmen Station. The Toads thanked their informant, purchased tickets, and passed through the security checkpoint before finally cramming into a train with the other commuters.

"Gosh, we're packed in like sardines." Thriff hugged the Mini-Timulator tighter against his chest. "I'm suddenly feeling kinda claustrophobic."

"It's that good ol' subway magic," Deyn giggled.

Meanwhile, the forest green and cerulean teams asked for directions aboveground.

"Three kilometers south?" Swindell repeated. "Might as well hoof it."

"How're we gonna cross with this gridlock traffic?" Garf asked.

"How else?" Swindell smirked.

Whooping like naughty schoolboys, they weaved around ten lanes of honking vehicles. A policeman immediately intercepted them on the other side and fined them fifty yuan each for jaywalking.

"Worth it," Swindell chuckled as they continued on their way.

_"Swindell's one of our previous contacts, and Arfur's like a buff Robin Hood," Gus said. "They're good guys. We don't want them anywhere near our million, but we're open to working with them on the down-low to get ourselves further in the _Race_."_

"How did everyone else leave before us?" Crimson asked. "Curses!"

Drak detached his left arm and extended it to knock on a window. The cabbie stared at him before locking his doors. Drak scowled.

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 7****th**** Place  
EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 8****th**** Place  
DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 9****th**** Place  
SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 10****th**** Place**

"Bouncing diagonally is a huge pain on the butt," Goldy griped.

Four teams completed their lap around Taihedian Square in quick succession. On their way back to the changing tents, Eve talked Podley into swinging by their allies.

"Did you notice the head orientation?" Eve asked.

"Yeah, we got it," Darkly replied.

"Thank you for your concern, Eve," Dour said. "Don't wait for us. Go win the leg."

"We'll certainly try," Podley said.

They stripped off the uniforms and rejoined the other recent finishers outside the Forbidden City. Drak and Crimson tried distancing themselves from the group, but were still unsuccessful.

"Vhy no one pullink over?!" Bobolink huffed, sounding personally insulted. "Zey are all empty!"

"Zis might be a no-stop zone for taxis," Dupree speculated.

"Ain't that a load o' crock!" Grubba said. "If they won't come to Grubba, Grubba's goin' to them!"

He scooped up a protesting Goldy, barreled into traffic, flung open the door of the closest taxi, and shoved the clue in the startled driver's face. Disgruntled, she started the meter.

"Hey D-Man, doesn't that look like a metro sign?" Goom Goom indicated a distant post topped with blue and Beijing's stylized B. G. D. logo. "That might be faster than sitting in traffic."

The flatmates descended into Tian'anmen East Station and queued at an automated ticket machine. Moments later, the lavender, brown, and gray teams fell in behind them.

"Well, 'allo zere!" Dupree chuckled. "So zee lovely _mademoiselles_ now chase zee knowledgeable metropolitan men!"

"_Stoy_. (_Sub_.: Stop.)" Bobolink said crossly. "Zis is sensible option. You read Mandarin?"

"Er, no, but—"

"Ve vork togezer to reach zis temple. Zat is all."

They worked out the route and boarded an eastbound train.

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Stay-at-Home Moms**

The violet team thanked the hotel receptionist profusely before dashing outside and hopping into the waiting cab. Its driver's scowl intensified when they alighted on the backseat headrests.

"Temple of Heaven, please!" Flo requested nervously.

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: 4****th**** Attempt**

Dour finally managed to keep up with the formation for a full circuit.

"Of course I find the walking challenge challenging," he sighed.

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Currently in Last Place**

"Marching," Darkly corrected. "Don't get down on yourself, Gramps. We've escaped last before. We'll use our Fast Forward if we have to."

They hurriedly collected their belongings and rushed out to Chang'an Avenue. Dour beckoned with his cane. An elderly cabbie in the rightmost lane stopped for them.

"Hopefully everyone else got caught in this traffic," Dour said.

* * *

**Temple of Heaven**

**TALLY &amp; DEYN / PLENN &amp; THRIFF**

The Toad teams exited Tiantandongmen Station and entered through the Temple of Heaven Park's East Gate.

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR / GARF &amp; GUS**

Meanwhile, the East Rogueporters approached from the north. Arfur and Gus were visibly struggling from carrying the Mini-Timulators, but Arfur perked up when they passed some food vendors.

"Eye on the prize, my man," Arfur muttered. He caught Swindell glancing knowingly back at him and grinned.

_"My dream's to open a Japanese food stall in Rogueport," Arfur said. "If I could spend my days making and selling _karē pan_, _okonomiyaki_, or _takoyaki_, I'd be the happiest guy around. Maybe I could even work out a discount system to help my malnourished friends. It's something to work toward."_

Both groups spotted the marked tea table around the same time and raced to claim seats. There were eight. Gus and Plenn grimaced, realizing they'd claimed adjacent seats.

"Whoa, you guys ran all the way here?" Thriff asked. "Saved yourself a couple of yuan. Each."

"Well, not exactly," Swindell said sheepishly.

Their tea master welcomed them and began by warming the porcelain teapot and handleless cups with water. She passed some tea leaves to Tally, who appreciated their aroma.

"Oolong! It smells lovely! I can already tell these infusions will be most enjoyable!"

Deyn expressed similar sentiments. The men eyed them uncertainly and simply handed them off to each other. Once they returned to the tea master, she deposited some into the teapot, placed the teapot into a basin, and rinsed the leaves with hot water poured from an elevated height until the teapot overflowed.

Throughout the graceful, deliberate preparations, the Rogueporters impatiently feigned interest. They all straightened and reached for their cups after the tea master poured the first brew, only to watch in confusion when she discarded it.

"Wait, why're you throwing it away?" Swindell asked. The tea master tittered at the twins' peeved expressions.

_"We love our afternoon tea," Tally said dreamily. "Poshley Heights residents often enjoy it with finger sandwiches, scones, and cakes. It was a delightful treat to experience a traditional Chinese tea ceremony and take a moment to appreciate a tasteful part of the culture."_

Finally, the tea master poured the tea from the teapot to the tea pitcher, then to the tea sniffers, then to the teacups, which she proffered to the racers. Tally and Deyn sipped their tea thoughtfully, while Swindell and Arfur threw it back like shots. The Craws sloshed it around in their beaks.

"It tastes like sewage," Garf muttered to Gus.

"I know. All that fancy-shmancy preparation for Rogueport-quality water."

"Seconds please!" Deyn eagerly lifted her teacup.

"That earthy flavor is simply divine!" Tally did likewise. Their hostess smiled and began another multi-minute brewing. The men groaned.

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK / DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM / EVE &amp; PODLEY / DRAK &amp; CRIMSON**

Meanwhile, the other four subway teams had arrived and took their seats at another table as a different tea master welcomed them with a fresh set of equipment. Dupree leaned over the table and took her hand in his.

"_Bonjour_, _mon ch__é__ri_. Zee sight of zat rrravishing dress warms my cheeks like zee tea your delicate leetle 'ands will prepare!"

"Look. Someone vith vorse pickup lines zan you," Bobolink muttered. Swob cheered lightly.

Dupree yelped as the hostess rapped his knuckles with a tea spoon. Goom Goom yanked him back into his seat, embarrassed.

Overall, this group was more engaged than the first; Bobolink, Crimson, Drak, Eve, and Podley somehow found themselves discussing the symbolism behind the ceremony's steps.

"It's a drink-making challenge, but not exactly how I pictured it," Podley said to Eve, bemused.

"An actual tea break," Eve said, smiling faintly.

Back with the first quartet, the Rogueporters groaned louder as their hostess steeped the leaves yet again. Swindell fidgeted constantly, restlessly drumming his fingers on his chair.

"Oolong rebrews have the peak of flavor!" Tally assured. "You shan't be disappointed."

At last, after everyone drank three cups of tea, the tea master put the leaves on display in a clean bowl and distributed the clues.

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 1****st**** Place  
PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 2****nd**** Place  
GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 3****rd**** Place  
SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

Tally read, " 'Make your way to the Beijing National Stadium and join a 4x100-meter relay team.' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

Overhead shots circled an ovular stadium of crisscrossing steel beams.

"China hosted the 2008 Summer Olympic Games, which marked the first crossover between our universe and the Sonicverse. Its most recognizable construction is Beijing National Stadium. Nicknamed the Bird's Nest, it hosted athletics events like track and field."

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: Beijing National Stadium**

Yoshis wearing red China singlets and carrying batons raced around the track.

"Now that teams have enjoyed some tea, it's time for some physical activity!" Miles laughed mischievously. "Once they arrive, each team will run—or walk!—two legs of a 4x100-meter relay to earn their next clue!"

(_~*TAR*~_)

The four teams ran out to Tiantan East Road. Traffic had cleared only slightly compared to rush hour.

"Tagging along?" Plenn asked. Gus scowled.

"We're strapped for cash at the moment," Arfur said. "Two-yuan travel sounds great."

Consulting some locals, they learned that taking Line 5 north to Huixinxijie Beikou Station would drop them within walking distance of Beijing's Olympic Park.

_"We joined Dupree's group primarily to learn how to navigate public transportation, an unfamiliar concept," Crimson said. "It became an unexpectedly valuable experience. The scintillating conversation was a bonus."_

"Know what is missing? Tea snacks, SHA-SNACKITY!" As if on cue, the tea master produced a small platter of dried plums. Swob squealed. "_Da_! I am so happy, I want to blow up, SHA-BOOMITY!"

"Svob! Not durink meal!" Bobolink scolded.

Drak eyed them critically from the table's opposite end. The tea master stared as a dried plum hovered to Swob's face and disappeared.

_"Our intellectual prowess cannot completely compensate for the worldly experiences of which our confinement has deprived us…" Drak said. "We finally had ample opportunity to analyze the repertoires of our adversaries…"_

With an impish cackle, Drak placed his skull on the table and proceeded to pour the tea into his nostril.

"Immature as always," Crimson muttered.

Between Drak's bizarre display and the armless Bob-ombs and Goomba raising their cups, it was a wonder that the woman maintained her composure for all three servings.

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 5****th**** Place  
DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 6****th**** Place  
EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 7****th**** Place  
DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

"These subway rookies are gonna keep following us," Goom Goom whispered to Dupree. "Let's lose 'em."

The bachelors quickly read their clue and bolted from their slower-moving competition. They managed to get directions in Tiantandongmen Station. Just as they reached the platform, they saw a train closing its doors.

"Argh, man!" Goom Goom kicked the floor. "Just missed it!"

Minutes later, the other three teams caught up.

"Nice try, Goom Goom," Podley said.

"Eheheh, you found us," Goom Goom said unconvincingly.

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA / FLO &amp; MAUDE**

The gold team settled down for a private tea ceremony. Shortly after, the violet team arrived and occupied the other table.

"Mind hurryin' it up, Ms. Rosie-in-Red?" Grubba asked. "We're on a tight schedule, here!"

His hostess smiled and gently swept air bubbles from the overflowing teapot's surface. Both Goldy and Grubba freaked out when she emptied the first brew on the teapot and only marginally calmed down once they were passed the real servings.

"You better not pour that tea on me!" Goldy shrieked.

"Now why in tarnation would I do that?"

"Because you do it all the time!"

"Hyuk hyuk! Crazy talk!" Grubba threw back the tea and made a face. "Now how 'bout we drink and run?"

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: We need to memorize this taste in case it becomes significant later.)" Maude said.

Both teams grew visibly antsy when they didn't receive their clue after their first or second cups.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: How are they the only other team here?)" Flo wondered. "(_Sub_.: This isn't exactly rapid refreshment.)"

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Traffic was really bad on the way over.)" Maude reasoned.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: I don't know, Maude… I have a bad feeling.)"

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 9****th**** Place**

"Beijing National Stadium? Now that's the kinda venue I was waitin' for!" Grubba hollered. "I had a gut feelin' we were goin' to the Olympics—"

"No, you just have a gut."

"—and _dang_, I love it when I'm right!"

The therapist-patient pair reconvened with their waiting taxi outside the park.

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 10****th**** Place**

Hooking their beaks on the cups' edges, the Crows tilted their heads back and chugged the tea. Their tea master frowned disapprovingly, but concluded the ceremony by placing the oolong leaves in a bowl and presenting the envelope.

"Thank you," Flo said.

The woman blinked in shock. Oblivious, the stay-at-home moms read the Route Info and exited the Temple of Heaven through its North Gate.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: I don't see our taxi anywhere.)" Flo said. "(_Sub_.: I think he left. Great. We'll have to find another.)"

After several minutes without any luck, the Crows spotted another hotel to the west. With some work, they convinced the front desk personnel to call them a cab. The responding driver was equally cold as their first.

* * *

**Beijing National Stadium**

**GARF &amp; GUS / PLENN &amp; THRIFF / SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR / TALLY &amp; DEYN**

The lead four teams disembarked at Huixinxijie Beikou Station and jogged west to the easily visible National Stadium.

"I'm so psyched!" Swindell exclaimed. "This place looks so cool!"

Officials waiting at a marked entrance led them to the indoor track, where they donned color-coded singlets and met their relay teammates. Representing the Marioverse were Yoshis. Representing the Sonicverse…

"Awww, you're too cute!" Deyn cooed. She and Tally hugged a light-blue creature called a Chao. It giggled and nuzzled happily into their embrace.

"Wow, I feel unloved," their Yoshi said. The Toad girls immediately included him in the team hug, causing him to blush.

"Guys, we're gonna win!" Gus declared, making sure the brothers overheard. He had Garf and the Yoshi locked in a strategy huddle. The Chao was sitting on his feet. "We're beating those Toads again!"

"Uh, the dudes or the dames?" the Yoshi asked.

"Both," Garf said, grinning. "Because we're winning." Gus thumped their backs, pumped.

"That's right!"

The Chao and the Yoshis automatically took the first and third legs, respectively, leaving the racers with the 100m near-straightaways. Once the teams decided their positions, production led everyone to the proper exchange zones.

"In Lane 1: Team Forest Green!" the announcer proclaimed over the loudspeakers. "In Lane 2: Team Shamrock Green! In Lane 3: Team Cerulean! And in Lane 4: Team Pink!"

The Chao aligned their stubby little feet on the staggered starting blocks.

"On your marks!" They crouched over, placing their equally stubby hands on the track. "Get set!" They raised their hindquarters.

_BANG!_

All four Chao took off…at a slow toddle. That of Arfur nearly tripped over itself. Gus and Plenn traded incredulous looks.

"Wonderful job, Mr. Chao!" Tally cheered, clapping. "You can do it! Just a little further!"

Tally's positive encouragement spurred her Chao onward, and it passed her the baton two full seconds before the others arrived. She took off, followed by the Rogueporters. Gus quickly accelerated to a sprint and took the lead, while Arfur passed Plenn. They all made relatively clean exchanges.

Unlike the Chao, the Yoshis were trained sprinters easily capable of surpassing the racers' top speeds. Their spacing stayed fairly stable as they rounded the second turn and handed off to the anchor runners.

Garf nearly fumbled the baton, squandering his lead. Swindell immediately emerged as the frontrunner and barreled down the homestretch, extending his arms like an airplane as he crossed the finish line.

"GOOOOOAL!" the announcer hollered. Swindell slowed to a stop and pumped his baton hand in the air, panting and beaming. Thriff, Deyn, and Garf arrived seconds later, in that order.

"_I swear I felt some leftover energy from the Olympics," Swindell said. "It was amazing, knowing I was running where freaking Olympic athletes had competed. For a hundred meters, I got to pretend I was one of them. I sprinted with everything I had. Those seconds on the track are staying with me forever."_

Everyone reassembled at the start line with small cups of water. Plenn shot the twins a taunting look. Noticing, Gus rolled his eyes and muttered "one-one" under his breath.

"Great work!" Arfur exclaimed, high-fiving Swindell. "You were going so fast, you were a blue blur!"

"Thanks! Did we win a gold medal?" Swindell joked.

"No, but you get this!" Their Yoshi handed them a clue.

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

The envelope contained two folders. Arfur opened the yellow one. "Detour. Fence or Free."

(_~*TAR*~_)

The 2008 Olympic theme song, _You and Me_, played as Miles strolled through Beijing's Olympic Park.

"Host country China claimed fifty-one golds and one-hundred medals total at the 2008 Olympic Games. Many of those were won here at the Olympic Green, a collection of sports venues where teams will continue exploring their Olympian abilities with the Detour: Fence or Free!"

**DETOUR  
Fence or Free**

_*TAR*_

Chaotix Detective Agency leader and _Sonic_ representative Vector the Crocodile guest-starred, thrusting an épée at a vermillion robot fashioned in Dr. Eggman's likeness.

"Those who like playing with pointy objects should go on foot to the Olympic Green Convention Center for **Fence**. Each team member must win a three-minute round against an Egg Pawn by being the first to score fifteen points...which entails poking it with a dueling sword! Totally safe, of course."

_*TAR*_

Vector's crocodile paddle propelled him like a torpedo through the Water Cube's ten-lane pool.

"Channeling their inner Michael Phelps for **Free** will send teams on foot to the National Aquatics Center, where they'll complete a 4x100m freestyle relay using any stroke…or equipment…necessary to finish! They can divvy up the legs however they like as long as each team member swims at least 100 continuous meters."

(_~*TAR*~_)

" 'Caution: U-Turn ahead!' That's new." Arfur lifted a bushy eyebrow, looking mildly surprised. "What do you think, Swindell? I know you're not a strong swimmer, but with Free, we'll finish as long as we keep moving."

"I'm not a swimmer at all," Swindell corrected, frowning. "We'd be there forever. Even if they gave me a lifejacket."

"I could do three laps. Besides, we don't know how difficult the Fence guy will be."

"Hey, we're tough. We can take him."

"True. Alright, Fence it is."

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**  
**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**  
**GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

"Aye, we can swim 400 meters, easy," Thriff said.

"I think we've got the endurance for Free," Deyn said.

"Fencing?!" Gus fist pumped. "This Detour was _made_ for us!"

The four teams shucked their track singlets. Tally and Deyn gave their watery-eyed relay partners a goodbye hug before chasing after the others. Upon exiting Beijing National Stadium, everyone quickly noticed the nearby cuboid with its distinctive Weaire-Phelan walls.

"Looks like a tessellation of soap bubbles," Plenn said. "Very nice. I'm betting that's the pool."

As the Toads ran toward the Water Cube and the Craws split off in search of the convention center, Arfur looked at Swindell.

"Free might be right across the street," Arfur said. "Still want Fence?"

"Trust me, it'll be faster."

* * *

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Grandfather/Grandson**

The red team enjoyed their ceremony in the shadow of the Hall of Prayer for Good Harvests.

"To long life and good health," Dour said, lifting the teacup in his cradled hands. Darkly stared at him for a moment.

"Yeah. Literally and metaphorically." Darkly clinked his cup against Dour's before taking a sip.

"My, my. Now this is tasty."

_"Morning tea was an enjoyable respite," Dour said. "It mirrored real life, in a way. A chance to slow down and smell the oolong, so to speak." Under his breath he muttered, "Goodness knows I've mistakenly ignored enough of those over the years..."_

_"I guess," Darkly said uncertainly. "I would've preferred a more active task. Like pouring the tea ourselves. I stopped feeling relaxed when she started brewing that second round. Besides…the tea wasn't dark enough for my tastes." Dour chuckled._

"We sure appreciated your sharing this with us," Dour said as he stood. Darkly read the clue.

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Currently in Last Place**

"A 4x100-meter relay?" Dour repeated, aghast. "What madness is this?"

"Doesn't sound like a race within the _Race_," Darkly said. "We finish, we move on. It's doable."

"That's a relief."

They returned to their waiting taxi.

"You don't know where this is?" Darkly asked flatly. The old cabbie squinted at the Route Info, grunting in Mandarin. "Gramps, we need another taxi. This guy drives slow, too."

"Like an old man." Dour nodded understandingly. "Alright. We'll do what we must."

Hailing another open taxi took a while, but the pair left with a driver who seemed to know their destination.

* * *

**National Aquatics Center**

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Shop Owner Brothers**

"I can't believe we have to wear these form-fitting Speedos," Plenn said.

The Toad brothers emerged from the changing area wearing gray LZR Racer swimsuits, goggles, and shamrock green mushroom-sized swim caps. Plenn self-consciously hugged his waistline as they speed-walked to the pool.

"I dunno, I kinda like it," Thriff said. "Feels fast. I just wish we had full face coverage. Our 'staches are gonna give major drag."

"Ugh, don't remind me."

Thriff took a few moments to stretch. He then climbed onto the Lane 1 starting block, dove in, and started an efficient front crawl.

_"Thankfully, I was a strong swimmer before the S. S. Flavion shipwrecked," Thriff said. "That probably saved my life. Swimming be a handy skill out on a deserted island. Great exercise, too. I guess once you've braved the open seas, an Olympic pool is nothing in comparison."_

"That fella's moving so fast," Plenn said, amazed.

_"You're making all these physical tasks look easy," Plenn nudged Thriff's shoulder. "Fella's even carrying our time machine and it's not slowing him down a bit, while I'm bringing up the rear, all out of breath. You're seriously upstaging me. I feel so out-of-shape!"_

_ "Well, I always have to work to find my meals." Thriff poked Plenn's stomach. "All _you_ have to do nowadays is walk next door and lay the charm on Zess."_

_ Plenn chuckled. "I recoup anything complimentary I just said about you."_

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Former Roommates**

The Poshley Heights women arrived during Thriff's first 100m and claimed Lane 2. Tally dove in, surfaced, and began swimming.

"Looking good, Tal!" Deyn called out. "Remember to pace yourself!"

* * *

**Olympic Green Convention Center**

**GARF &amp; GUS / SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR**

The East Rogueporters located the fencing hall. They suited up for safety—complete with mask, jacket, knickers, and gloves—and sized up the Egg Pawns. One made eye contact and waved its épée with a dopey grin.

"Fencing robots?" Arfur whistled. "Hopefully these guys have a Level 1 setting for us beginners."

Gus eagerly stepped onto an open piste and brandished his épée. Swindell and Arfur hung back to observe.

"Let's get this party started!" Gus exclaimed.

"En-garde!" the Toad referee declared. "_Allez_!"

Gus mimed throwing his weapon before remembering himself and dashing forward. He extended his right arm, landed his first hit, and hopped back. His opponent didn't pursue. Gus repeated his charge-in, charge-out maneuver and quickly built a lead. The Egg Pawn attempted clumsy lunges that he easily parried and riposted. On Gus' fifteenth touch, the robot toppled backwards with only one point to its name.

"Dang, that was fun!" Gus whooped. His match had lasted less than forty seconds.

"We can do that!" Swindell said.

Swindell got into position on a separate piste as the twins traded places. Both started their rounds. While Garf kept his distance, Swindell rushed in and received a jab to the chest. Garf deflected his opponent's lunge and got an opening to score; Swindell's opponent did the same.

"Hey!" Swindell stumbled back as the Egg Pawn scored another touch on his mask. "Uh, I don't think they're on Level 1!"

* * *

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Therapist/Patient**

"Well, howdy doll!" Grubba hoisted their Chao onto his shoulder. "Ain't you a l'il cutie patootie?" It giggled and snuggled his face.

"MEORK! Get away before he corrupts you!" Goldy screamed frantically, eyes bulging.

Their Yoshi blinked, confused. Grubba smiled serenely.

_"It's been a few years since my secret went public," Grubba said in another individual interview. "But that's old news, and some folk still ain't even heard of it. This here _Race _is the prime rib of opportunity to rebrand and show why I'm still a force to be reckoned with! I wasn't a successful martial artist and businessman fer nothin', now! This bod and brain are still sharp as a whip!"_

"In Lane 1: Team Gold!"

"Team Grubba!" Grubba corrected loudly. On the opposite side of the track, Goldy rolled her eyes.

Both conserved their energy and covered the 100m at their usual pace. Grubba crossed the finish line and reveled in imaginary applause.

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

"I'm picturin' you becomin' a pincushion if we go fencing," Grubba guffawed. "You're more like a gaudy buoy! I say we swim!"

"Fine!" Goldy shook off her singlet. "I wouldn't trust you with a sword, anyway!"

* * *

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Friends**

"That did a number on my pride," Swindell said drily. He'd lost, 3-15. Arfur took his spot, looking tense.

**GARF &amp; GUS: Robbo Twins**

"C'mon, Garf! Turn up the pressure!"

_"I've gotten into my share of scraps taking tolls," Gus said. "I've got a bit more experience fighting than Garf does. He's not an aggressive guy, so it's often up to me to light the fire under his tail."_

"Imagine he's a Pianta!" Gus shouted. Garf glanced at him.

"Kinda violent, don'tcha think?"

"Bro, just do it!"

Garf exhaled and went on the offensive. He made up his three-point deficit and snatched the win, his fifteenth hit sending the Egg Pawn skidding backwards.

"Yes! Attaboy!" Gus hollered. He accepted the clue from the referee.

**GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

" 'Travel on foot to the National Indoor Stadium—' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

Aerial shots circled an arena with a curving steel roof reminiscent of a Chinese folding fan.

"Teams must now head to the nearby National Indoor Stadium," Miles narrated.

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: National Indoor Stadium**

"Nicknamed The Fan, it hosted gymnastic disciplines during the Olympics. Teams will use a large trampoline to reach a midair platform with their next clue."

The camera panned from the clue box to a yellow board with a backtracking black arrow. Two digital touchscreens—stacked vertically in the center, with the top one noticeably larger than the bottom—each showed labeled pre-_Race_ pictures of the eleven remaining teams.

**U-Turn**

"This is also the _Race_'s first delay point: a U-Turn! Here, one team can force another to backtrack and complete the other side of the Detour. Each team can only exercise their delay power once on the entire _Race_."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"Alright! U-Turn time!" Gus exclaimed. They removed their protective gear, retrieved their belongings, and left the hall.

* * *

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF / TALLY &amp; DEYN**

Tally sidestroked the last few meters and hit the wall, allowing Deyn to leap in for their final lap. A few moments later, Plenn finished his 100m. He placed his hands on the coping and heaved himself out. Thriff handed him a towel before taking the clue from the Toad lifeguard.

"Feels like there's a wet mop on my face," Plenn muttered, squeezing water from his mustache.

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

"U-Turn ahead," Thriff reiterated. "We gotta hustle."

"Right, in case the other fellas get bright ideas," Plenn agreed.

They speed-walked back to the hall with the changing area. Shortly after, Deyn flutter kicked herself to the wall.

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

"Wonderful job!" Tally helped her out of the pool. They read their clue and went to get changed.

* * *

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Friends**

Arfur's first thrust threw him off-balance, and he nearly bowled the Egg Pawn over. He shifted to a defensive strategy and squatted for better control, eking out a 15-14 come-from-behind victory in a close-fought battle.

"That was mad beginner's luck," Arfur said, grinning disbelievingly.

"I'll say. Any tips for another beginner?" Swindell asked.

"Use your speed. Get in and out like Gus did."

Swindell stepped back onto the piste and followed Arfur's suggestion. The Egg Pawn punished his erratic swinging, but he managed to secure a 15-10 win.

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

"Now we'll see where everyone's head's at," Arfur said after reading the clue.

They quickly peeled off their sweaty equipment and dashed off in search of directions.

* * *

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON / DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM / EVE &amp; PODLEY / SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK**

"In Lane 1: Team Gray! In Lane 2: Team Lime Green! In Lane 3: Team Lavender! And in Lane 4: Team Brown!"

"Sienna," Bobolink said under her breath. She modeled her sienna running cap and matching shoes for the camera. Goom Goom gave her a strange look.

"On your marks! Get set!" _BANG!_

The Chao embarked on their waddle around the first turn. Eve cooed delightedly.

"They dare mock us by assigning these sluggish creatures for a contest based on agility…" Drak intoned.

His Chao slowed as it approached, looking frightened. It stopped short at Drak's disdainful expression, forcing him to backtrack a step to snatch the baton. Eve, Goom Goom, and Bobolink reached the second exchange zone before he even passed the leg's halfway point.

The Yoshis made clean exchanges to the anchor runners, though Swob's held on a second too long. Dupree left everyone in the dust as he sprinted to the finish.

_"Zey call me Purple Afro Man," Dupree said proudly. "I 'ave done zee Mushroom City Marazon and Triazlon many times. Stayeeng in shape for _les filles _eez of utmost importance! It 'as given me great endurance and speed! I am zee total package, _non_?"_

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 6****th**** Place  
EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 7****th**** Place  
SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 8****th**** Place  
DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 9****th**** Place**

The flatmates and former actors chose Free without much deliberation; the skeletons, Fence.

"Ve choose Free!" Bobolink said, sounding excited. "I have many swimsuits to show off!"

"Uh, Linka? I cannot swim, SHA-WHAM!"

"…_Vhat_?! You promised to learn!"

"Fahr Outpost does not have pool, SHA-BLAM! I tried super-special explosion to melt snow! It all just froze again, SHA-BRACK!"

"I am not believink zis," Bobolink groaned. "Svob. Ve are _not_ doink task vhere holes vill be poked in my one-of-kind designer clothink! Zis is not magic-fixink dream vorld!"

"But—!"

"_Nyet_!" Bobolink tugged him along. "You _vill_ learn quickly! It is easy!"

Swob gulped.

* * *

Split-screen shots showed the sets of brothers entering National Indoor Stadium from opposite sides. One headed into the interior arena, where the target platform was suspended off-center several meters above a giant red trampoline. The brothers dropped their backpacks near the frame, propelled themselves to the necessary height, and stepped onto the U-Turn mat.

**GARF &amp; GUS: Robbo Twins**

"Yes! Empty!" Gus exclaimed. "We might be first!" He peered closer at the board's top screen. "Huh, so the other birds are Flo and Maude. About time we got their names."

"Sounds like a sketch comedy group," Garf said.

"Wanna U-Turn someone? Maybe the Toad Bros. Bizarre?"

"No way. Saving it could save our butts down the road." Garf turned toward the camera. "We're not U-Turning."

**GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

Garf opened the next clue. " 'Make your way to Peking University Gymnasium—' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

Rapid shots traveled to a beautiful university campus featuring Chinese gardens and pagodas. A building with a circular skylight sandwiched between two hyperbolas came into view.

"Teams must find Peking University Gymnasium, the first venue in Olympic history specialized for table tennis."

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: Peking University Gymnasium**

"Presently a multipurpose center for various sporting events, the building nicknamed China's Spine now holds the teams' next clue!"

(_~*TAR*~_)

"So how do we get down?" Gus asked nervously. Garf shoved him off the platform. "GAH!" Gus landed harmlessly on the trampoline. Garf followed, bouncing him back into the air. "Warn me next time, will ya?!"

The twins exited The Fan and ran to National Stadium North Road.

"Traffic's died down," Garf noticed. "Let's try for a taxi."

Although most empty taxis still ignored them, they managed to flag one down.

"Peking University," Gus instructed as they climbed in.

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

"They didn't U-Turn us," Plenn said, relieved.

"Opens the door for us then," Thriff said, reaching for the screen. Plenn stopped him.

"Hold on. I still don't get your fascination with Grubba. Fella's been scraping by at the bottom."

"The Glitz Pit scandal, remember? He's dangerous."

"Not much of a threat here though. Look, the costs outweigh the benefits right now. Unless we're certain it'll eliminate him, it's a bad idea."

Thriff relented. They read their clue and headed outside to find a taxi.

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 3****rd**** Place  
SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

"Fancy meeting you guys here!" Deyn exclaimed. The two teams alternated bounces on the trampoline. "We had plenty of untouched swimsuits over at Free."

"Same with the fencing equipment," Arfur said.

"Cool. So we're not in danger." Deyn hopped onto the mat with Tally.

Both teams declared their intentions not to U-Turn, read the Route Info, and split up to find cabs.

"I feared we had lost ground taking the subway earlier," Tally said as she buckled her seatbelt. "It appears that is thankfully not the case."

"Yup! For once, traffic might've actually helped us," Deyn said.

* * *

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Therapist/Patient**

"Swim like a dolphin settin' a Guinness World Record!" Grubba was a sight to behold in the skin-tight swimsuit and shaded goggles. "Swim, Goldeen, swim!"

"Stop! Calling! Me! That!" Goldy sputtered in the brief moments her entire mouth was above water. She alternated between wriggling like a tailless tadpole and trying to skip like a pebble. Neither propelled her forward much.

Finally, Goldy touched the wall. Grubba whooped and jumped in for their final 100m, creating a mini-tidal wave that lifted Goldy out of the pool. She rolled onto her back and tried to catch her breath.

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Bachelors/Flatmates**

"Zis Speedo accentuates my muscles!" Dupree waltzed out of the changing area looking shorter than normal due to the lime green cap compressing his afro. "I look so lithe, honh honh!"

"You're okay doing 300m, right?" Goom Goom asked.

"_Oui_!" Dupree dove into Lane 2 and began front crawling.

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Once Dating Actors**

"Having the dive and the underwater phase will make it easier on us in the long run," Podley said. "We should alternate laps to take advantage of that."

"I'll take your word for it." Eve nodded. "Don't push yourself too hard."

Podley entered Lane 3 and spent several meters dolphin kicking before surfacing and starting his front crawl.

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

Grubba did butterfly for his last 50m. He hoisted himself out and briefly toweled off before addressing the clue.

"Nothin' like a nice swim to get those muscles warmed up! Am I right or am I right?" Grubba nudged Goldy. "Time to get a move on, pard! The U-Turn's a-callin'!"

They hustled out of the pool area.

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Dating On/Off**

"I do not like this! Sink or swim, SHA-DOOM!"

"You vill not sink vith zat atrocity you are vearink!"

Swob had a bright red lifejacket over his half-body LZR suit. He nervously looked back at Bobolink from the Lane 4 starting block.

"Just keep kickink," Bobolink said. She kept shooting peeved glares at her _Race_-provided swimwear.

"I guess here goes nothing, SHA-KRACKITY!" Swob hopped into the water. "Wah! Cold, SHA-GACK!" He thrashed his legs around and treaded water in place.

"Lean forvard, Svob!"

"But I will get water in fuse, SHA-WHIFF!"

"_Nyet_! Svim cap covers zat!" Bobolink groaned exasperatedly. "Lean forvard enough so kickink legs are like motorboat propeller!"

"Oh, like desk fan in bathtub, SHA-POW!"

"Vhat? …_Da_, _da_! Like zat!"

Swob slowly started moving toward the other end.

* * *

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Distant Cousins**

"My humerus is a more potent weapon than that sword…" Drak assured. A production member shoved the épée into his hands. "As you wish…"

Drak baited the Egg Pawn into attacking by repeatedly advancing within range. He parried and riposted most of its lunges, winning 15-3.

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

"You allowed five strikes…" Drak said smugly. "This combat exercise further justifies my higher rank…"

"Neither performance was a flawless victory." Crimson rolled her eyes. "Shut up and open the clue."

They removed their fencing gear and left the hall.

* * *

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 10****th**** Place**

The Crows completed their relay—complete with awkward hand-to-beak baton exchanges—and selected Fence.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: I really hope we don't get U-Turned.)" Flo said as they hurried toward the convention center.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: I don't think we'll be targeted right now.)" Maude said. "(_Sub_.: There are more visible threats.)"

* * *

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Therapist/Patient**

Goldy's natural bounciness enabled her to reach the midair platform in two bounds. Grubba shook the structure when he landed on it.

"No one's used the U-Turn yet," Goldy reported.

"Good, 'cause opportunity's knockin'! We're U-Turnin' Podley and Eve!"

"_What_?!" Goldy's eyes bugged out. "No we're not! Hey!"

Too late. Grubba selected the lavender team's picture on the top screen and their own for the bottom, labeled "Courtesy of."

"MEORK! You just wasted our delay, Dumba!" Goldy raged. "UGHHH! What did I do to get stuck with such stupidity?!"

_"The Singin' Seniors winnin' the Cheat Pass is bad news with this potential double-elim business!" Grubba said. "They've got a get-outta-jail-free card that we don't. So the sooner that's knocked outta contention, the better for us! Trust me, everyone'll be thankin' me later!"_

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

Fuming, Goldy tuned out the Route Info and refused to budge.

"C'mon now, missy! We got us a race to win! 'Sides, we don't need none of that cowardly delay business! The top spot's untouchable! We'll zoom into the lead and it won't matter!"

"…Fine. Whatever."

_"A teensy part of me wants to quit and get Sleazy Lips disqualified," Goldy said. "That'd show him. But then I remember I gotta fund my Fuzzy Horde's ginormous television bill. The things I do…"_

Grubba rubbed his hands together in anticipation as he sat back in the taxi.

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

"Goldy and Grubba U-Turned Eve and Podley," Crimson said. "Interesting. Are they trying to flush out the Express Pass?"

"Do not ascribe intention where reason does not exist…" Drak scoffed. "Grubba is a fool… His caretaker is no better…"

"True."

They read the Route Info and ran out to the road. Numerous empty taxis passed them by.

"These insolent humans still refuse us…" Drak growled. "Unacceptable…"

"Our only other option is the subway," Crimson said.

Locals shied away from their attempts at asking for directions. Annoyed, the distant cousins entered Olympic Green Station and managed to figure out their route: south on Line 8 to Beitucheng Station, west on Line 10 to Haidianhuangzhang Station, and north on Line 4 to the East Gate of Peking University.

* * *

**Peking University**

**GARF &amp; GUS: Robbo Twins**

"So this is what a university is like," Garf said, admiring the campus through the windows. "It's really nice."

"Looks more like a park than a school," Gus said.

Their driver dropped them off. The Craws entered the nearest building and found themselves in a library's lobby.

"I don't think this is the gym," Garf said.

"Crud!" Gus shouted, startling nearby students. "That guy didn't deserve all that dough! What a rip-off!"

They asked around with their previous clue and managed to get pointed in the right direction.

Meanwhile, the first team arrived at Khoo Teck Puat Gymnasium and located the clue box at its south entrance.

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

Deyn announced, "Roadblock! 'Who can make a victory rally?' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

"China's world-class table tennis talent won eight of twelve medals at the 2008 Olympic Games," Miles narrated. "Luckily for the teams, they're facing opponents with only a fraction of that talent in this Roadblock!"

**ROADBLOCK  
Dream Table Tennis**

Vector smashed the ping pong ball into the table. It stalled on the bounce, glowing green, before knocking the Egg Pawn over.

"To earn their clue, they must win a set by being the first to thirty points. The catch is that the match follows rally scoring rules—players earn as many points as the number of hits in that rally. There are three open tables, so if they lose, they'll have to go to the back of any line that has formed to try again."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"Victory rally?" Deyn repeated. "Totally Tally!"

"This would be my third Roadblock in a row," Tally said uncertainly.

"And I know you'll do swell! I'll get the next one, promise!"

"Well, alright. Please uphold that." Tally read the details. "Table tennis? My, I was off. I had guessed cheerleading."

They headed into the arena. Tally navigated the dividers to Table 1, while Deyn took a seat in the stands.

"Hello, Mr. Robot. Are you my opponent?" Tally bowed. "May we both play fair and have fun."

The Egg Pawn served. _Pong_. _Ping_. Tally swung…and missed spectacularly.

"That was most embarrassing." Tally giggled. "I might require some warmup to recall my skills."

_Pong_. _Ping_. _Pong_. Tally successfully returned the ball this time and engaged in a rally, but was caught flat-footed when the Egg Pawn forehand smashed to the corner. She was already down, 0-8.

* * *

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 7****th**** Place**

Goom Goom's weak dolphin kick ate much of Dupree's lead.

"That was tough…" Goom Goom said as they hurried back to the changing area. "I should've asked for a lifejacket, too."

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

Eve reached for the pool wall and righted herself, panting hard. Podley offered a hand and helped her out. They quickly read their clue and left.

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Dating On/Off**

"_Skoree_! (_Sub_.: Hurry!)" Bobolink shouted.

Swob thrashed about, but failed to increase his speed. He finally tagged the wall, allowing Bobolink to dive in. Her dolphin kick was markedly more efficient.

* * *

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Stay-at-Home Moms**

"Wargh!" Maude retreated out of range, flapping her wings wildly. "_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: I felt that one! He's trying to skewer me like a chicken kabob!)"

For this challenge, the Crows were allowed to fly and wield the épée with their talons. Maude's forward lunges frequently left her open to counterattack.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (Stay on him, Merlin! Work your magic!)" Flo encouraged.

Despite her best efforts, Maude lost 11-15. She signaled to Flo to switch places.

* * *

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 7****th**** Place**

The bachelors expressed surprise at the U-Turn declaration before reading their clue. They screamed as they fell back down to the trampoline.

Dupree cleared his throat. "Now zat rush 'our 'as passed, zee streets should overflow with taxis! _Allons-y_!"

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Once Dating Actors**

"Someone's head shots are up there," Podley said as they approached the board. "And it's…ours?!"

"What?" Eve peered closer. "But who… Grubba and Goldy? What did we do to them?"

"They're probably aiming to burn the Express Pass. Bold move. Come on, we need to find the convention center."

* * *

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Grandfather/Grandson**

Dour shuffled down the straightaway and passed off the baton. The Yoshi rounded the turn and delivered it to Darkly, who sprinted it across the finish line.

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Currently in Last Place**

"We have the option to take the Fast Forward," Darkly said relievedly, opening the green folder. " 'Throw a hammer twice over three attempts.' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

"This is the second of nine available Fast Forwards," Miles narrated.

**FAST FORWARD  
Hammer Throw**

Featuring once more, power-type character Vector wound up, spun around, and launched a hammer over seventy meters into the field. He danced in place and mimed jamming to his headphones.

"To claim this Fast Forward, both team members must make one successful throw in a three-try round of the hammer throw, one of the Olympic Games' oldest events."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"Hammer throw? Uh…" Dour skimmed the Detour details. "Or we could fence." Darkly glanced at him disbelievingly. "Having a cane means always having a weapon on-hand. After The Bell-Toll Curse, I sometimes, uh…sparred with the shadows."

"Uh-huh… Well, the Fast Forward is right here." Darkly indicated the nearby throwing cage. "Let's give it a shot, Gramps. If we can't do it, we'll do the Detour."

They watched a Toad demonstrate the technique. Another Toad gave a whirlwind explanation of the rules and the advised body placement, hammer height, and foot movement throughout the rotations. Both Twilighters looked overwhelmed by all the information.

"Yeah, um. My understanding of all that is shady at best," Darkly deadpanned. He experimentally lifted the hammer by its grip. "This weighs as much as my backpack."

Dour shook his head. "Even with both hands, I doubt I can lift that and spin around. I'd likely fall over."

"Right. Well. Are you able to fence without your cane?"

"Now that I'm envisioning it, I'm not sure… Swimming is low-impact. Free sounds feasible."

Darkly tested the hammer's weight again. "The pool it is. Let's go."

_"We knew we were playing catchup," Darkly said. "I don't know why I made us stay and consider a physical Fast Forward. The learning curve was too steep. Bad move on my part."_

* * *

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Once Dating Actors**

"I'm not sure I can do this," Eve said.

The lavender team arrived in the fencing hall and began suiting up as they watched Flo knock the Egg Pawn over with a 15-13 win.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: And that's for poking fun at us, mister!)" Flo crowed triumphantly.

_"I would've been fine doing Fence," Podley said. "Back in the day, I was the kind of guy who would bonk people for smiling funny."_

_"I'm not a fan of violence, even in sports or self-defense," Eve said. "We tried to avoid that for my sake, but the U-Turn ruined that plan."_

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

Maude managed to claim a 15-14 victory. The violet team removed their gear and departed.

"Think of it as musical theater meets _The Three Musketeers_," Podley said. "It's just another part to get in-character for."

Eve stared nervously at a smiling Egg Pawn. "We're in the back, Podley. I think we should use the Express Pass."

"That'd be letting our aggressors win. Look. Those blackbirds finished pretty quickly."

"I don't think that was their first try."

"Well, we have some time. Last we saw, the Bob-ombs were still struggling—"

* * *

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 9****th**** Place**

The dating couple scuttled back to the changing area on unsteady legs.

* * *

"—and Darkly and Dour might still be behind us," Podley said. Eve winced. "I don't like it either, but it's us or them. Even if they somehow got ahead, the Hazard gives us an opening."

"What if they took the Fast Forward?"

Podley paused. "That _is_ a possibility."

"I'm sorry Podley, but I'd rather we use the Express Pass now. I'm not comfortable facing a robot that's trying to puncture me through with a giant needle."

"_Eve_."

"Please."

Podley thought for several moments. He sighed. "Fine."

"Thank you." Eve handed the referee their laminated card. "We'd like to use our Express Pass."

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 10****th**** Place**

They hurriedly removed the fencing equipment, ran back to National Indoor Stadium, retrieved the post-U-Turn clue, and hailed a taxi. Elsewhere, the Bob-ombs also claimed a cab.

"You know where this is?" Podley gestured to the Route Info. The driver responded in Mandarin. Podley shrugged and sat back.

Eve fidgeted, running a hand through her hair. "Are you disappointed in me?"

"Maybe without the Express Pass, our target will shrink." Podley dodged the question.

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Stay-at-Home Moms**

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Come _on_! Why won't anyone stop for us?!)" Flo shouted, frustrated. "(_Sub_.: Do we have to stand in the middle of the road?)"

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: They'd give us a road kill makeover. Let's not.)" Maude said.

With some difficulty, they finally convinced a passerby to call them a taxi. Again, the driver looked displeased to receive them as passengers.

* * *

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Distant Cousins**

"Is this the exchange station?"

"Stand aside…!"

The gray team scrambled to leave the train before the doors closed. Drak tackled Crimson, shoving her past some last-second boarding commuters, and they collapsed onto the platform in a heap of bones. Ignoring the onlookers, they wordlessly reassembled themselves and ran to catch their next train. This time, they claimed the spot next to the exit.

"These people openly stare, yet they ignore us when we need assistance." Crimson glared back at anyone who dared to maintain eye contact.

* * *

**TALLY: 3****rd**** Attempt**

"A most magnificent game," Tally said, graciously accepting her 20-30 loss. "Please stay on your guard."

The Egg Pawn cocked its head before kicking off another set.

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**  
**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

Thriff and Swindell volunteered for the Roadblock.

"Oh shoot, another Olympic robot." Swindell stepped up to Table 3. "Arfur, you should've done this one."

"No way," Arfur replied. "Use those fast hands!"

"This guy better be on Level 1."

"I wish," Thriff said from Table 2. "It's Leg 3, so the minimum's probably Level 3." His Egg Pawn had just scored nine points.

"Touché."

_"The scoring twist posed an interesting problem," Thriff said. "Mister Roboto always serves, so do you smash it and keep winning two-point chains? Or do you hold back, build up the exchange, and try to claim the point trove later? Of course, I was too caught up hitting the ball to actually think strategy."_

**TALLY: 5****th**** Attempt  
THRIFF: 3****rd**** Attempt  
SWINDELL: 2****nd**** Attempt**

_Pong_-_ping-pong_-_pong-pong_. The sound of hollow balls ricocheting off paddles and tables filled the gymnasium. Swindell kept on his toes, often returning tricky corner shots that Tally and Thriff missed. His wide coverage helped him pull ahead to a 26-14 lead.

"This one's for the win." Swindell smashed his second hit in his next rally, securing his victory. He punched the air in celebration. "Yes!"

"Nice work, Swindell!" Arfur rushed down and high-fived him.

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

Swindell accepted the clue from the referee. " 'Travel by taxi to the next possible pit stop at Juyong Pass.' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

Rapid shots traveled north to a winding series of walls and fortifications.

"Originally built to protect the Chinese Empire," Miles narrated, "the Great Wall of China is one of the New Seven Wonders of the World! Hey, did you guys steal the entire thing?"

"Don't be ridiculous," Ludwig scoffed. "We stole a single brick."

"What? Laaaame."

"Sometimes less is more! That missing brick closed the entire wall to tourists!"

**ROUTE INFO  
Go to Pit Stop: Juyong Pass**

"Juyong Pass is a former military stronghold dating back thousands of years. This is the pit stop for this leg of the _Race_. The last two teams to check in here may be eliminated!"

(_~*TAR*~_)

The cerulean team ran out to their waiting taxi. Swindell showed the driver the destination on the Route Info. He said something in Mandarin and dialed a call on his cellphone before driving out to the main road.

"I hope he knows where he's going," Swindell said anxiously. "I've never been this close to winning anything in my life."

"Cross your fingers that it's close by," Arfur said as he thumbed through their remaining yuan. "We're running low on dough."

"Story of our lives. What else is new?"

Arfur took a deep breath before leaning forward. "Sir? This is all the money we have. I don't know how far our destination is, but I was hoping we could establish a flat rate…"

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**  
**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

Thriff and Tally won their sets around the same time and received their clues. Both teams hopped back into their taxis.

"I can't believe we're going to see the Great Wall of China," Deyn said giddily. "That's a major bucket list item!"

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

"Victory? Shucks, this Roadblock's got my name written all over it!" Grubba hooted. Goldy grunted irritably. "And it's a good ol' game of whiff-whaff! We'll be in-an'-out lickety-split!"

They headed into the gymnasium. Both official and opponent looked confused when Grubba planted himself near the net.

"Fer our next match, we got the powerhouse paddler, the brawny bouncer himself, MACHOOOOOOOOO GRUBBA, facin' off against—"

"MEORK! Get on with it!"

For the entire set, each play ended as either an ace or a return ace. Grubba committed all his power behind each shot and appealed to the near-vacant stands every time he earned two points. He eventually won, 30-14.

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

"We got ourselves a winner!" Grubba triumphantly raised his paddle before parading the envelope around like a championship belt.

"Mind opening that clue sometime today?!" Goldy hissed.

They read the Route Info and returned to their taxi.

* * *

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Grandfather/Grandson**

Dour's frog kick grew feebler with each passing meter. His bushy eyebrows and mustache created immense drag and were visibly drenched whenever he lifted his head to take a breath. Utterly exhausted, he paused below the 15m false start rope and treaded water.

"Keep swimming, Gramps!" Darkly called out. "You're almost here! Make it to the end and you can rest!"

Dour nodded weakly and dog paddled to the wall. Darkly dove in to finish their remaining 200m. Dour clutched the filtration grating and stared up at the bubble-shaped skylights.

"Mustn't…go…toward…the light…" Dour panted to himself.

* * *

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 5****th**** Place  
GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 6****th**** Place  
** Flash cuts showed Dupree and Garf volunteering for the Roadblock.

"_Sacr__é__ bleu_!" Dupree yelped as the ball flew past him. "_Monsieur_, take it easy, _s'il vous plait_!"

"Show no mercy, Garf!" Gus shouted. "You beat one of these guys before, and you can do it again!"

Garf unknowingly added topspin to his next forehand, ending the rally and putting him at a two-point advantage.

* * *

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Currently in Last Place**

"Our prospects are already dim," Darkly said. "I really hope we aren't U-Turned."

"We're the handicapped team. I can't imagine anyone wasting it on us."

They changed out of the LZR Racer swimsuits and got directions to National Indoor Stadium. Dour lagged as he recovered his land legs. Darkly assisted him onto the trampoline, and they reached the midair platform after several bounces.

"Shady. The PRIs U-Turned Podley and Eve," Darkly muttered.

"Likely a gambit to blot out the Express Pass," Dour said. "I hope they kept it."

"I do too. That'd mean they did both Detour tasks and could still be in striking distance."

"Er, I suppose that's one way of looking at it…"

They ventured out to the road and hailed a taxi.

* * *

**GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 5****th**** Place  
** Garf shot a backhand drive. The Egg Pawn swung and missed, granting him a 30-22 win.

"Yes!" Garf fist pumped and took the clue. He and Gus raced outside before opening it.

"Crud! We need another taxi for the pit stop!"

The lime green team's cabbie refused to take them. Frustrated, the twins asked around for directions to the nearest main road.

** DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

"_Monsieur le Robot_, 'ow about useeng a leetle less power? Are you tryeeng to leave a bruise?"

Dupree finally found his groove and rallied hard, clutching a 30-29 victory with a ten-point volley. Goom Goom whooped and joined him on the floor.

"Dude, I didn't think you'd pull that one out!"

They read their clue and returned to their taxi. As they left the campus, they passed the forest green team.

"Crud, they finished!" Gus shouted.

The Craws finally managed to find another taxi for themselves.

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 7****th**** Place  
EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

Swob and Podley claimed Roadblock duties.

"I've wanted either this or a billiards table for ages," Podley said. "My place's dartboard's all worn out."

Podley commanded great control over the ball, connecting with some of the Egg Pawn's attempted kill shots. He steadily built his lead. Conversely, Swob's flailing lost him every service.

"Why do I keep missing, SHA-DOOM!"

In the stands, Bobolink looked unimpressed.

_"Goink on _Race _vas Svob's idea," Bobolink said in an individual interview. "I am very frustrated. He did not prepare like ve agreed. He did not learn to swim. He vaited until last minute to buy bags and pack. He did not vork out or study geography or practice readink maps. Vhy am I puttink in more effort?"_

"I demand rematch, SHA-BLAMMO!" Swob shouted.

* * *

**Juyong Pass**

Inscriptions and bas-relief images decorated a gateway-like rectangular structure crafted from white marble. Dragonhead gargoyles embellished the balustrade running around its top. The pit stop setup sat before the semi-octagonal arch opening on the Cloud Platform's north side, where Miles and Ludwig welcomed the first team to the mat.

"Welcome to Beijing, China," Ludwig greeted.

"Thanks," both racers replied.

"Hey, didn't we meet you back in Antarctica?" Swindell asked.

"Indeed you did." Ludwig puffed out his chest. "I'm the most relevant character these guys could hire for this leg."

"Whatever, Luddy," Miles laughed at Ludwig's annoyed face. "Anyway. Swindell and Arfur? You're team number _ONE_!"

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: 1****st**** Place**

"YEAH!" Swindell motioned for a high-ten, but Arfur instead hoisted and hugged him by the waist.

"That's not all." Miles' grin widened. "Notice this leg's Olympic theme? For the prize, we're sending you to the next Olympic Games!"

"What?!" Swindell and Arfur exclaimed, awestruck.

"Yup! Courtesy of Galaxy Air, you'll have a full week of five-star accommodations and tickets to the sporting events of your choosing!"

"No way!" Swindell covered his face and laughed in disbelief. "That's so sick!"

"Are you guys tearing up on me?" Miles teased.

"We weren't sure we'd even make it here." Arfur rubbed at his eyes. "Our taxi driver, he… He's a kindhearted man. We're really happy how things turned out."

_"Small details have tripped us up before," Arfur said. "When everyone else makes fewer or smaller mistakes, we drop in the standings. Today showed that when we run a clean leg, we have the potential to do really well."_

"Tally and Deyn? You're team number two!"

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: 2****nd**** Place**

They hugged and cheered in celebration. In the middle of their mat chat with Miles, another team arrived.

"Plenn and Thriff? You're team number three!"

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: 3****rd**** Place**

"Not too shabby," Plenn said. He and Thriff exchanged congratulations with the Poshley Heights women.

* * *

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 7****th**** Place**

"And that's game!" Podley wiped his paddle hand on his bandana before taking the clue. He and Eve dashed outside, read it, and hopped back into their cab.

"Svob! Focus!" Bobolink shouted. "Stop svingink like spray paint can! Hit zat ball!"

"My hand-eye coordination needs recalibration, SHA-WHAM!" Swob tried gripping the paddle with his coonskin cap's tail. His connection rate plummeted to zero.

"SVOB! Vhat are you doink?!"

Before the Egg Pawn could slink away with a serve-only 0-30 victory, Swob switched back to his standard hovering-in-midair grip.

"I think my motor skills are broken, SHA-PHOOM!"

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 9****th**** Place**

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: We'll even out the counts.)" Flo said. "(_Sub_.: I'll do it.)"

As they entered the gymnasium, their taxi drove off.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Oh my gizzard, another robot!)" Flo grabbed the paddle in her right foot and took to the air. "(_Sub_.: Sorry buddy, but you need to go down like the last one!)"

Flo spent several serves learning to dynamically adjust her flying height. Slowly, she started making returns and rallies, but failed to cash in on points.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: You can do it, Falconet!)" Maude shouted encouragingly.

"You need to vin now, Svob!" Bobolink screamed.

* * *

Ludwig scowled when Grubba shoved the Mini-Timulator in his face.

"Goldy and Grubba? You're team number four!"

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: 4****th**** Place**

Goldy's jaw dropped. "That's a _huge_ improvement over eleventh!"

"Just shy of baskin' in glory on the podium!" Grubba snapped his fingers. "We'll get that gold next time!"

* * *

**SWOB: 7****th**** Attempt  
FLO: 3****rd**** Attempt**

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Yes!)" Flo alighted on the table and threw her wings up as she bounced to a 26-23 lead.

"_Nyet_!" Swob missed a smash shot, evening the score at 10-10. "Not good, SHA-BLAMMO!"

Flo won her set with a four-point rally. She read the clue to Maude in Crow before hightailing out of the gymnasium.

"Svob, you are killink me," Bobolink moaned. "I should have done zis."

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Where'd our taxi go?)" Flo cried.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: We both told him to stay, right?)" Maude asked. "(_Sub_.: Multiple times!)"

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: I can't believe we're three for three on deserters! This is so frustrating!)"

Before they got far, another taxi pulled up behind that of the Bob-ombs.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: It's Mayor Dour!)" Maude squawked.

"Away with you, ladies," Dour said, waving his cane. "This driver is on our side."

Darkly gave him a strange look. As the moms scurried off, Darkly opened the clue.

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Currently in 10****th**** Place**

"Roadblock. We're outside a gym. Me," Darkly decided quickly. "Our fate rests on…a game of table tennis? Great."

"Good thing you're doing it," Dour said. "I don't have the reflexes."

They entered the arena. Darkly glared at the ping pong ball-shaped skylight illuminating the floor as he squared off against the Table 2 Egg Pawn. Bobolink relaxed slightly upon seeing them.

"Zey have Hazard," she said to the camera. "Unless today is double elimination, ve are safe." She turned back to the action. "_Davai_ (_Sub_.: Let's go), Svob! Ve cannot risk second-from-last!"

_Pong_. _Ping_. _PONG-ping-pong_. A smash put Swob on the defensive, and he barely returned it, keeping the rally alive. Meanwhile, Darkly missed, netting his opponent three points.

"Kill it!" Bobolink screamed. "Kill it now!"

Swob sent an explosive shot down the middle. It ricocheted off the Egg Pawn's head, earning Swob eight points for the win.

"Blowing up saved the day, SHA-BOOM!"

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 9****th**** Place**

"Finally!" Bobolink rushed down from the stands. The Bob-ombs quickly read the Route Info and jumped back into their taxi.

"I can do this." Darkly scored, putting him on the board with two points. "It's obnoxiously bright in here, but I can do this."

* * *

"Your hair seems smaller than it was this morning," Ludwig commented.

"I 'ad to wear a sweeming cap," Dupree said, laughing airily.

"I take back what I said earlier," Goom Goom deadpanned. "Froofing up your 'fro in a taxi's rearview mirror is a problem. Our cabbie couldn't concentrate!"

Miles looked amused. "Dupree and Goom Goom? You're team number five!"

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: 5****th**** Place**

* * *

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in Last Place**

After a lengthy jog from the subway station, the undead Koopas arrived at Peking University Gymnasium. Crimson unveiled the Roadblock.

"My turn."

The Shadow Army officers infiltrated the sporting center. Both teams were shocked to see each other.

"Journeying by subway must have cost us time…" Drak realized, gritting his fangs.

"In the past few minutes we've seen the birds, the bombs, and the bones," Dour said to the camera. "What a hope spot! We actually have a chance!"

Crimson observed Darkly's game for a few moments before planting herself at Table 1. She held the paddle in a shakehand style similar to her grip for throwing bones.

"Hitting a ball? What a pointless pastime." Crimson scoffed.

The Egg Pawn served. _Pong_. _Ping_. She returned it. _Pong_. _Ping_. The Egg Pawn lulled her into a false sense of security—_pong_-_ping_-_pong_-_ping-pong-ping_-_PONG_—before shooting an unreturnable smash at the corner. Crimson glared.

"I understand now. This is no game. This is _war_."

* * *

"Thank you," Garf said sincerely, shaking the tourists' hands. "We can finally go check in."

The forest green team settled their cab fare before navigating to the mat.

"Garf and Gus? You're team number six!"

**GARF &amp; GUS: 6****th**** Place**

They nodded, looking miserable.

"That's an atypical response to being told you're safe," Miles observed. "Did something happen, you guys?"

"We had to…beg for money to pay our taxi driver," Gus said, arms folded over his chest. "We're poor in real life, but…we've never _begged_ before. It was really…humiliating." He made a face. "I've never felt this scummy."

Garf drew him close in a side hug. "Hey. That's why we're winning this whole shebang. So we don't have to feel like this ever again. Right?"

"Right."

* * *

**DARKLY: 2****nd**** Attempt  
CRIMSON: 1****st**** Attempt**

A split-screen montage showed the two locked in intense battle against the Egg Pawns. Darkly traded scoring shots with his opponent, while Crimson aggressively capitalized on the rally scoring system. One of them reached thirty points and claimed the clue.

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 10****th**** Place**

" 'Travel by taxi,' "—Crimson traded a look of helplessness with Drak—" 'to the next possible pit stop at Juyong Pass. Warning: The last two teams to check in may be eliminated.' We're dead."

"Boned…"

The red team's cabbie screamed fearfully when the gray team tried to become his passengers.

"We did not choose to look like this!" Crimson raised her hands placatingly and backed away. She and an agitated Drak hustled off.

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Currently in Last Place**

"Sorry," Darkly said.

"We're only a shadow's tick behind everyone," Dour said. "Our taxi could be our savior."

"Yeah. Here's hoping."

Dour gave instructions to their driver, and they were off.

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Stay-at-Home Moms**

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Be careful, Falconet!)" Maude cried.

Flo nervously held her ground, wings poised for takeoff. The taxi screeched diagonally to a halt. Inside, the driver shouted furiously.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Bless my feathers! Please don't let us have to do that again!)" Maude flew up to his window and pointed out the Chinese characters on the clue. "Thank you for stopping! Do you know Juyong Pass?"

_"Are Crows unlucky in China?" Flo wondered. "Because almost everyone treated us like unwanted scum. We felt so unwelcome."_

_ "We fly everywhere, so we'd never used taxis until the _Race_," Maude said. "Our experience in Beijing was a stark contrast to Subcon."_

"Very fast, please!" Flo mimed accelerating wheels, but the driver just glared at her through the rearview mirror. "This is awkward."

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Distant Cousins**

"Our fate is out of our hands because these worthless mortals refuse us…" Drak hissed. "I barely restrain the temptation to throw my shell…"

Yet another unoccupied taxi passed them by.

"Allow me," Crimson said drily. "My red shell shall wreak our vengeance."

Finally, a young adult-aged cabbie pulled over for them. The skeletons hopped in, all business, and spent several minutes trying to communicate their needs before he got the idea.

* * *

"Eve and Podley? You're team number seven!"

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: 7****th**** Place**

Both winced, but forced smiles and congratulated each other.

"Heard the Express Pass came out today," Miles said.

"Yes. We were U-Turned, and…" Eve sighed. "I was too scared to…I didn't think I could do the fencing Detour."

"That's selfish, framing the story that way," Podley said. Eve looked at him, surprised. "We believed we were in danger of elimination. So, using all the information at our disposal, _we_ made a team decision."

"Podley…"

"We survived the leg. That's what matters. Now we're here, and we're looking ahead to what the future brings."

Eve cracked a genuine smile. "Right."

A dissolving transition preceded the brown team's approach.

"Swob and Bobolink? You're team number eight!"

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: 8****th**** Place**

"Safe, SHA-BLOOIE!" Swob exclaimed, planting a big sloppy kiss on Bobolink. She tolerated it, but pulled away before it became a full-blown makeout session.

* * *

Split-screen shots showed the last three teams looking anxious as their taxis sped along the G6 Beijing-Lhasa Expressway.

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Grandfather/Grandson**

"We've been lurking at the rear this entire leg," Dour commented.

Beside him, Darkly was leaning forward in stony silence, eyes trained on the highway ahead.

"The curse of the Hazard looms over our heads right now," Dour said. "We're hoping for a miracle. With our driver going light-speed compared to traffic, I think we have a chance."

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Stay-at-Home Moms**

"China's been exhausting," Flo said. "Much harder than anything we've seen on TV."

"Hailing and keeping taxis has been the most difficult part," Maude said.

"Oh, absolutely. I really hope we'll live to see another leg! Someplace where taxis actually stop for us. I'd hate to get eliminated like this…"

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Distant Cousins**

"Surely modern-day transportation is not some insurmountable impediment that proves our undoing…" Drak said. "We completed our assignments with all due haste…"

"And on our initial endeavors each time," Crimson said, frustrated. "By all rights, we should not be in this vulnerable position."

"It would make for a most humiliating defeat…"

Heavy montaging between the three ended as one team arrived at Juyong Pass and ran to the Cloud Platform. Ludwig lifted an eyebrow.

"Welcome to Beijing, China."

"Flo and Maude?"

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Please, not second-to-last.)" Flo chanted.

Miles somehow understood the sentiment and grinned. "You're team number _nine_!"

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: 9****th**** Place**

They devolved into a frenetic celebratory dance and hugged the pit stop crew.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: We survived China!)" Flo squawked happily.

An indeterminate amount of time later, another team hopped onto the mat. Miles looked between them.

"Dour and Darkly." He paused. "You're the second-to-last team to arrive."

Darkly's head slumped forward. Dour glanced at him sadly.

"You'll have to wait for the next team to arrive before I can check you in."

Darkly was motionless. Dour guided him to the waiting area in the Cloud Platform's shaded passageway and helped him sit down.

"Sorry, Gramps…" Darkly muttered. "I tried my hardest. Guess it wasn't enough…"

"Nonsense. You have nothing to be sorry about," Dour insisted.

"Why can't this darkness just swallow me up…?"

Later, the final team made its appearance. Remembering his earlier exchange with them, Ludwig smirked.

"What do you think of the architecture of Beijing, China?" he asked insincerely. "It's pretty old."

They glared at him, jaws visibly clenching. Miles quickly cut in.

"Drak and Crimson. You're the last team to arrive. However, Dour and Darkly arrived before you. Their Hazard penalty demotes them, making you the second-to-last team to check in."

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: 10****th**** Place**

"This…is _not_ a double-elimination leg. You're safe!"

They stood in silence, neither looking even remotely relieved. The red team stepped onto the mat beside them.

"Dour and Darkly. Due to your Hazard, you're officially the last team to check in."

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Last Place**

"But turn those frowns upside down! This is the first of three predetermined non-elimination legs! You're still in the _Race_!"

"Oh thank you, thank you!" Dour hugged a startled Darkly. "Fortune favors the old after all!"

"I don't think that's how the saying goes, but whatever." Darkly patted him on the back, chuckling. "We'll take it."

"Some time on the next leg," Miles continued, "you'll encounter a Speed Bump, an extra task only you have to complete. Think you can recover?"

"What choice do we have?" Dour leaned

_"In our darkest hour, we were saved!" Dour said._

_ "Right," Darkly said drily. "By the same powers that be that gave us the Hazard."_

_ "True… _

"I take no solace knowing our exemption hinged on their handicap…" Drak said hollowly. "The punishment should be ours…"

"Hey, lighten up." Darkly smiled slightly. "We both get to experience at least one more night here."

Drak met his eyes and nodded. "Another rise and fall of the moon…"

"Yeah. Let's make the most of it."

Darkly and Drak smirked at each other. Everyone else looked utterly confused.

* * *

_"Next time, on _The Amazing Race_," Blaise narrated, "traveling novices face their biggest challenge: getting out of the country."_

"I have no idea what we're doing right now," Swindell admitted.

_"And for some teams, drastic measures are taken."_

"Sacrifices must be made in love and war..." Drak said ominously.

"Travel buddies?!" Dupree shrieked happily. Bobolink and Crimson traded knowing glances.

_"As the_ Race _gains speed in__ city that never sleeps..."_

Quick shots showed various teams running with the Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building, and Nintendo World Center in the background.

_"Dour and Darkly battle to overcome the odds against them."_

"We still have fight left in us," Dour said. He and Darkly worked briskly, tightening screws on a mess of pipes.

_"All this and-a more on Episode 4: Devour the-a Big Apple!" Mario exclaimed. "Wahoo! Thanks-a for reading!"_

* * *

**End of EPISODE 3**

* * *

Easter Eggs  
\- Ludwig von Koopa was the first floor boss in the SNES version of _Mario is Missing!_, which included Beijing as a destination.  
\- Arfur's Japanese name, _Rotten_, sounds similar to _roten_, meaning "street stall."  
\- 4x100m Relay, 4x100m Freestyle, Individual Épée, Javelin Throw, and Dream Table Tennis are events in the Wii version of _Mario &amp; Sonic at the Olympic Games_.

_**Author's Notes**_ (5/11/16): This leg is a unique mashup, being this series' first foray into both a Bowser's Castle and the Real World. I've never visited China, so I hope this portrayal registers as respectful and semi-realistic.

One qualm I have about the U-Turn on the real show is that it frequently appears right before the pit stop. Here, a delay point will always be followed by at least one active task.


	5. Ep 4: I Love New York

_**The Amazing Race 4: Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door Edition**_**  
EPISODE 4: I Love New York  
**_**Mario is Missing!**_** / **_**Wrecking Crew**_** / **_**The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!**_

* * *

_"Previously, on _The Amazing Race_!" Miles narrated. "Eleven teams woke up and warped to Beijing, China! Morning traffic made the city slickers the stars of the show."_

Clips showed Tally and Deyn, and Dupree and Goom Goom leading their respective groups through the Beijing Subway.

_"A strategic play at the first delay point removed Eve and Podley's advantage."_

"Opportunity's knockin'!" Grubba made his selections on the U-Turn board.

"We'd like to use the Express Pass." Eve handed it to the fencing referee.

_"Swindell and Arfur's Olympian athleticism won them first place!" _

Shots of Arfur fencing and Swindell playing table tennis culminated with their running to the mat and getting the good news.

_"The birds and bones couldn't catch a cab!"_

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Why won't anyone stop?!)" Flo cried.

"These worthless mortals refuse us…" Drak snarled.

_"But it was the Hazard that made the biggest impact—grandfather and grandson Dour and Darkly came last, only to be saved by the first non-elimination!"_

"It takes more than that to slay a shadow," Dour said.

_"The flagship version's standard cast size of eleven teams still remains, but that's about to change! Who will be eliminated next?"_

* * *

Afternoon-to-evening transition shots showcased Beijing's skyline and busy night markets. Rapid shots then sped along the Great Wall of China. Floodlights along its sides created the illusion of a glowing snake undulating through the forest.

"Beijing is capital of the People's Republic of China and one of the most populous cities in the Real World!" Miles narrated. "Lying in the mountains to its northwest is Juyong Pass. Originally appearing as the first pit stop in U.S. Season 10, it's now the start of the fourth leg in our _Race_ around the Marioverse!

"Swindell and Arfur, who arrived first at 1:02 PM, will depart at 1:02 AM!"

* * *

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: 1st to Depart, 1:02 AM**

Arfur shined a flashlight for Swindell, whose grin widened as he read the clue.

" 'Fly to New York City!' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

Blaise narrated over clips of a plane taking off.

"Teams must now fly nearly 7,000 miles to the most populous city in the United States: New York, New York."

**ROUTE INFO  
Fly to: New York City, USA**

Composite shots honored the start and finish lines of U.S. Season 1: Central Park's Bethesda Fountain and Flushing Meadows-Corona Park's Unisphere.

"Arriving at either John F. Kennedy or LaGuardia, teams will then travel by taxi to the Statue of Liberty. This gift from France as a symbol of American independence also bears significant history for many citizens whose immigrant ancestors first set foot on American soil at nearby Ellis Island."

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: Statue of Liberty**

The camera panned up the Stony Creek granite pedestal to the verdigris copper likeness of Libertas.

"Teams will find their next clue somewhere on Liberty Island."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"Statue of Liberty, huh?" Arfur whistled. "Nice." They high-fived and headed out.

_"We're gelling together pretty darn well," Swindell said. "I don't have a long-term plan like Arfur. But that's okay, because everything I'm learning about him tells me that we'll make great business partners when this is all over. It's very reassuring."_

"No taxis anywhere," Swindell said. The main road was devoid of vehicles, period. "We're like an hour from downtown. Think we should call for one?"

"Seems like our only option," Arfur replied.

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: 2nd to Depart, 1:08 AM**

"Yes, New York!" Deyn exclaimed giddily. "Another checkmark on the bucket list!"

_"We're enjoying ourselves and savoring every moment," Tally said. "That is our key to being competitive. By keeping calm, we can plan and act rationally. At least, as rationally as heat-of-the-moment decisions will allow."_

They promptly returned to their pit stop accommodations: Juyongguan Great Wall Hotel. Tally walked up to the check-in desk, bowed to her fellow receptionists, and adjusted a pin on her jacket collar.

"Good morning. We would greatly appreciate your assistance with a time-sensitive matter…"

She somehow overcame the language barrier and charmed them into giving her access to a back office. Deyn rubbed her hands together before taking a seat at the computer.

_"I studied abroad in Pasta Land in college, and I travel several times a year for work," Deyn said. "I'm no stranger to booking flights."_

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: 3rd to Depart, 1:10 AM**

" 'You have 200 dollars for this leg of the _Race_.' " Thriff thumbed through the bills.

_"We're functioning like we were never apart," Plenn said. "Aside from some tiny hiccups, we're still the same well-oiled, well-groomed Toad Bros. Our numbers are showing upward momentum. We just need to keep this trend, and we're set for the long haul."_

The shamrock green team also returned to the hotel and accosted the clerks.

"Hey there, fellas," Plenn said. "We need to call for a taxi."

"Make that two!" Swindell called out as he and Arfur fell in behind them.

"Mayhap we should also exchange some money while we're here, bro," Thriff said. "To make sure we have enough yuan to reach the airport."

The East Rogueporters exchanged glances.

"Yeesh, things are getting complicated," Swindell said. "Ditto for us!"

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: 4th to Depart, 1:21 AM**

"Well I'll be derned!" Grubba hollered. "We're flyin' to the city that never sleeps! Fame, fortune, and flocks o' people! Taxi, taxi! We got a plane to catch!"

Goldy stared after him in dread. "I'm stuck next to you on a plane ride halfway across the world? Sedate me now…"

_"Flubba making all the decisions is rude, rude, RUDE!" Goldy spat. "I'm part of this team, too! Don't I get a say?! Urgh! It's more of the same. Crazies never listen to the therapist."_

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: 5th to Depart, 1:34 AM**

"At last, honh! We are flyeeng on zee wings of _amour_!" Dupree said. He dreamily retied his bandana into a flight attendant scarf. "Zee cabin crew 'as zose capteevating, cute leetle costumes!"

Goom Goom's eyes were wide. "D-Man?"

"_Oui_?"

"You're getting the window seat. And when the seatbelt sign goes off? You're staying buckled up."

"Wh-What? _Pourquoi_?!"

"I don't want them tossing you from the plane!"

_"Next to my dasheeng, 'andsome good looks, my travel experience eez my biggest advantage," Dupree said. "I know 'ow to get places faster zan Cupid's arrow! Now zat zee _Race _eez back to zee reality een reality TV, eet eez time to strut my stuff!"_

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Former Roommates**

"Most excellent. Thank you very much." Tally hung up the phone. "Apparently neither bus nor metro are viable options at this hour. A taxi is on its way."

"Great!" Deyn tapped the page of flight restrictions. "I've got us arriving at seven tomorrow morning."

(TALLY &amp; DEYN: 1st on Flight 1)

They swished their hands together in the first few moves of a clapping game before dissolving into giggles.

**GARF &amp; GUS: 6th to Depart, 1:52 AM**

The twins jogged away from the mat, Gus rapping the stack of cash against his palm.

_"We followed Swindell and Arfur and ended up broke," Garf said. "Really hit home that Gus and I can ultimately only trust each other here. Nothing we're not used to."_

_"Figures that a cop helped screw us over," Gus said. "A hundred yuan for jaywalking? I don't know how much that is in coins, but it sounds like highway robbery!"_

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: 7th to Depart, 2:03 AM**

"Skyscrapers bloom in America! Cadillacs zoom in America!" Eve mimed twirling an imaginary skirt. Podley chuckled and danced along.

_"Our tiff over the Express Pass shows that our…" Eve hesitated, "…friendship is mending nicely. I was concerned about the aftermath, but my fears were unfounded. We're both mature enough to realize that unnecessary friction has no place here. Let bygones be bygones. Our critical theme nowadays, it seems."_

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: 8th to Depart, 2:09 AM**

"Ve _must_ visit ze Garment District!" Bobolink crowded the camera, allowing for a close-up of the red hibiscus adorning her fuse and matching oriental-patterned ruby earrings. "Zat is one of zis world's fashion capitals!"

_"Svob tries too hard to show off and be my man," Bobolink said. "Not his character. He instead messes up everyzing. I not need masculine protector." She scoffed. "I need partner. To get positions ve deserve, clearly I must take charge."_

Split-screen shots showed everyone in the various stages of calling for, boarding, or riding taxis.

* * *

**Beijing Capital International Airport**

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF / SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR**

Both teams entered the ultramodern Terminal 3. Commuters swarmed around them, queuing at the check-in counters for early morning flights. The four seemed overwhelmed trying to make sense of everything.

"This is foreign turf," Swindell said. "I don't know where to start."

_"I've visited Rogueport Airfield once, but it had nothing on Beijing's airport," Plenn said. "Trying to book flights for the first time in Leg 4, in a different world, in a language we don't understand? We were off-kilter the sec we stepped through those doors."_

They began asking around at the ticket counters.

* * *

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: 9th to Depart, 2:32 AM**

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Time to flex our _other_ flight muscles!)" Flo exclaimed.

_"I wear my heart on my wings," Flo said. "My husband, my kids, and my chapter ladies will say that's an understatement. When I get all worked up, I sometimes fly off the handle and act like a loony loon. But Maude's kept me grounded so far. That's important, because things will only get crazier."_

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: 10th to Depart, 2:38 AM**

"Today our goal is simple," Dour said. "Survival."

"If it's a nighttime leg, our odds go up," Darkly said. Dour read through the flight restrictions.

"Afraid that probably won't be the case."

"Huh. Well I hope your spirit animal is a cockroach then."

"I wish. They're fast little buggers."

_"Dupree and Goom Goom were right to prioritize eliminating their Hazard," Dour said. "It nearly got _us _eliminated. Now we face another obstacle in the Speed Bump. But we still have fight left in us. We'll take things one step at a time until we've overcome this hurdle."_

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Last to Depart, 2:51 AM**

Eyes glowing, the gray team trudged away from the pit start.

_"Last leg was a painful reminder that many elements remain out of our control," Crimson said. "We forgot that these outside pieces are not our underlings. No matter our efforts to mitigate chance, they can undermine it all in one foul swoop. How utterly frustrating."_

* * *

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Shop Owner Brothers**

"That's the earliest arrival we'll get, looks like," Plenn said, tapping his notepad with his pencil.

"Think we should book it now?" Thriff asked, passports in hand.

"Yeah. I don't see anything better." Plenn nodded to the agent. "You've got a deal."

(PLENN &amp; THRIFF: 1st on Flight 2)

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Friends**

"The 'staches scored something," Swindell noticed.

"With all these restrictions?" Arfur crossed something off his sheet of prospective flights. "We better check it out."

They migrated to the British Airways counter. The gold and forest green teams noticed and ventured over as well.

"Anythin' good, boys?" Grubba asked.

"There's a flight leaving at 11:15 AM and arriving at 8:53 AM tomorrow," Arfur replied.

"Finally." Gus massaged his temples. "I thought we'd never find anything."

(SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: 2nd on Flight 2)  
(GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: 3rd on Flight 2)  
(GARF &amp; GUS: 4th on Flight 2)

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Distant Cousins**

"We are unfamiliar with these establishments and the practices that occur within," Crimson told the camera as their taxi passed through the toll station into the airport. "Our reconnaissance yesterday has made clear what must be done to correct our nescience."

"This assignment belongs to Crims alone…" Drak said. "Fortunately I am ill-suited to participate…"

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Dating On/Off**

"Leave zis to me." Bobolink spotted her target working another counter. She began sashaying in that direction. "I vill use my beauty to get us best flight!"

"…Beauty?" Swob repeated, confused. Bobolink rounded on him, suddenly angry.

"You not think me beautiful?!"

"_Nyet_! I mean, _da_! I mean, I thought we are boyfriend-girlfriend, SHA-WHAMITY?"

"Ve are." Bobolink threw her braid back and resumed her sashay. "Poor vord choice. I meant, feminine viles."

"_Agent plans my travel," Bobolink said. "I do fashion and modelink side. Not logistics. But I know how to nudge zings to make deadlines. All about proper delegatink, _da_? Beauty is useless vithout brains."_

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Bachelors/Flatmates**

"What do you think you're doing?" Goom Goom hissed. Swob looked equally miffed, but Drak was smirking smugly.

"Travel buddies?!" Dupree sounded delighted.

"You like travelink vith beautiful vomen, _da_?" Bobolink fluttered her lashes.

"Zee more, zee merrier, honh honh!"

"Then this arrangement shall be most pleasing," Crimson said. Her jaw clacked as she faked a gravelly giggle. "We propose a…travelliance. A loose arrangement where we collaborate on transitory segments, but remain competitive on tasks themselves."

"_Da nu_! (_Sub_.: You don't say!)" Bobolink exchanged a knowing look with Crimson. "I like zis idea."

"Now hold on—" Goom Goom began.

"Well? Your feedback?" Crimson asked. She took Dupree's hands in her fingertips. "Show us everything you know."

Dupree practically melted with hearts in his eyes. Drak snorted.

"_Oui, _Officer Crimson!" Dupree saluted. "I knew your name represented zee color of zee still-beating 'eart in your rrrraveeshing ribcage! I will not fail you, my love!"

Crimson's false smile froze. "Your _what_?"

Drak lost it as Dupree dragged her toward another counter. Goom Goom stared in disbelief before bashing his head against a crowd control stanchion.

"What just happened, SHA-POWIE?" Swob asked.

_"Crims and Bobbie left me for dead at the pyramid Roadblock," Goom Goom said. "Now they want to work together? Like last leg, it's super transparent. They aren't my type, but it's still a huge turnoff. Unfortunately, D-Man's the travel guru, and he's…not using his afrohead."_

At the Cathay Pacific counter, Dupree struck gold.

"You leave here 1000 hours," the clerk explained. "Arrive JFK 0700 hours."

(DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: 2nd on Flight 1)  
(SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: 3rd on Flight 1)  
(DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: 4th on Flight 1)

"You owe me," Crimson growled to Drak as they trailed behind the group on the way to the inspection area.

"Sacrifices must be made in love and war…"

"Excise that offensive word immediately."

Split-screen shots showed the Twilight Town-related teams later purchasing from British Airways.

(EVE &amp; PODLEY: 5th on Flight 2)  
(DOUR &amp; DARKLY: 6th on Flight 2)  
(FLO &amp; MAUDE: 7th on Flight 2)

_"Most birds don't take planes south for the winter," Flo said. "They use their own two wings! We practiced searching for flights at home, but doing the real thing was on another level. Plus, everyone kept staring at us. Like, 'Why did two birds walk into an airport?' Flying west is an exception to the rule, people!"_

* * *

With several hours remaining before their mid-morning boarding times, the racers were scattered throughout Terminal 3E. Team Twilight was sitting near the concourse's imperial-style indoor garden.

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY / EVE &amp; PODLEY**

"We'll do what we can to help you," Eve said. Podley adjusted his glasses.

"That's all we can ask for," Dour said. "Realistically speaking, our Speed Bump will separate us, but the thought is appreciated."

"Oh, how brutal the _Race_ was to us both yesterday," Eve said. "The Hazard bumped you into last, and the U-Turn forced our hand."

"Really?"

"Yes. Grubba and Goldy U-Turned us, and I…we had to use the Express Pass."

"Speaking of the devil…" Darkly muttered.

"Howdy, Mrs. Eve! Mr. Podley! Fancy meetin' you two here!"

Grubba plopped down next to Darkly wearing a bright, toothy grin. Darkly scooted away, neutral expression skewing to annoyance.

"Ugh. You're like sunshine—"

"Thank ya kindly!" Grubba closed the distance again.

"—no concept of personal space."

Goldy bounded up, looking displeased. "Before you say anything, it was all _his_ idea!"

"Yep, and proud of it!" Grubba tipped his fedora. "Spur-o'-the-moment genius! I'm sure y'all understand I was just levelin' the playin' field fer us normal folks. 'Twasn't a personal move."

"We figured as much." Podley replied.

"Right? Who'd target the adorably amicable exes! No hard feelings?"

"Nah." Podley shook Grubba's hand with a crushing grip. "It's a game. We're all playing to win."

"Great! Now that that's outta the way, please tell me you've got some musical ever after business planned for the in-flight entertainment!"

_"I'm regretting choosing the Express Pass over the money," Eve said. "Thanks in part to Grubba and Goldy, we now have neither. That really stings."_

_"If we were young and hotheaded, we'd be gunning for them," Podley said. "But we can't afford to be blinded by vengeance. We must stay the course and focus on our own race."_

* * *

Footage showed everyone boarding their planes. The amazing travel lines then hopped in different directions from Beijing.

"All teams are now en route to New York City," Blaise narrated. "Flying to JFK via Hong Kong and Vancouver, scheduled to arrive at 7:00 AM, are Tally and Deyn, Dupree and Goom Goom, Swob and Bobolink, and Drak and Crimson. Everyone else is flying to LaGuardia via London and Toronto, scheduled to arrive approximately two hours later."

* * *

**New York City, United States of America**

Jazzy saxophones and trumpets accompanied Liza Minnelli and Frank Sinatra's duet of "Theme from _New York_, _New York_." Establishing shots featured Times Square, Coney Island, and the Brooklyn Bridge.

**John F. Kennedy International Airport**

**Flight 1: Arriving at 7:09 AM**

The four teams raced out of Terminal 7's customs and boarded AirTrain JFK, the airport's railway connection to the main New York City Subway lines.

"Step back," Crimson commanded. "There is ample standing room."

"I am seemply positioning myself for zee quick exit," Dupree said airily.

"I see young love explosion, SHA-POWIE!" Swob stage-whispered to Bobolink. Crimson glared at him.

In another carriage, the pink team was reviewing a subway map.

"We had some time to research the Statue of Liberty during our layovers," Tally explained to the camera. "Ferries begin departing for Liberty Island at 9:30. This route takes about an hour, but is substantially more affordable and predictable than fighting rush hour in a taxi."

The group exited the system at Howard Beach – JFK Airport station and purchased MetroCards to pay their fare. They crammed onto a crowded westbound A train. Crimson forged a path away from Dupree, pulling Drak with her.

"What of the travelliance…?" Drak asked mockingly.

"I tired of it the moment of its conception," Crimson bit out.

_"Over forty hours had elapsed, and we had yet to reach the first clue," Crimson said. "I discovered that our initial assessment was disturbingly misinformed. Dupree is a relentless, ruthless opponent. Attempting to wear me down with psychological warfare…" She clenched her fist. "I have endured much worse. I shall not fold!"_

"Last station smelled funny," Swob commented. "Yucky-funny, not haha-funny, SHA-POP!"

"Zee price we pay for public transportation." Dupree adjusted his sunglasses.

"Dude, stop staring," Goom Goom muttered. "Basic subway etiquette, remember?"

"Sorry, SHA-BOO!"

Some commuters secretly studied the out-of-place non-humans and their hiking backpacks. Most, however, seemingly ignored the group, occupying themselves with headphones and/or handheld electronics.

_"I am little Bob-omb in big city, SHA-BOOM!" Swob said. "New York City is amazing! Different people and styles everywhere, SHA-PLOOM! Human blizzard moves fast with purpose like they are all racing too, SHA-SHOOM!"_

The teams disembarked at Fulton Street Station and jogged toward Manhattan's southern tip. Swob stopped in Louise Nevelson Plaza and admired the abstract structures comprising _Shadows and Flags_.

"Cool! Like giant toasted Chinese symbol lollipops, SHA-POW!"

"Svob! _Skoree_! (_Sub_.: Hurry up!)" Bobolink yelled.

_"I want to leave. _Da_, I want to move from Fahr Outpost with Linka, SHA-CRACKY! My artsy side feels repressed. No-bomb there appreciates my ideas. Everything looks same and boring, SHA-DOOMP! At least on _Race _I see exciting places with sensual feast, SHA-WHAMMO!"_

They arrived at Battery Park and purchased tickets from Castle Clinton with time to spare. Swob quickly grew disinterested in the sandstone fort and took Bobolink exploring.

"Where are batteries in park? Are trees battery-operated?" Swob wondered. "Do they glow at night? Good place for nighttime picnic, SHA-GLACK!"

"Svob."

"_Da_?"

"You cannot vander and daydream like earlier," Bobolink said sternly, looking at him over her designer sunglasses and blue ring statement necklace. "Ve are here to vin million. Not sightsee!"

"But we have big lead, SHA-DOOP!"

"Zings change in instant! One mistake puts us behind!" At Swob's chastised expression, Bobolink kissed his cheek and continued in a gentler tone. "Relaxink in times like zis is okay. But ve race in game mode."

"_Da_, got it."

_"Svob is free-spirited small town boy," Bobolink said. "I am familiar vith travelink new places. He is not. Managink him makes zis million-coin date more stressful. Ve came vith different motivations. Ve must find zat common ground."_

* * *

Another introductory sequence, this time set to "New York, New York" from _On the Town_, showed off Fifth Avenue, Wall Street, Broadway, and the Chrysler Building.

**LaGuardia Airport**

**Flight 2: Arriving at 8:54 AM**

"Hi, RFF!" Flo and Maude chorused. Somehow, the other racers didn't notice.

The trailing seven teams barreled out of Terminal B to the taxi pickup area. Goldy bounced more erratically than normal, forcing Grubba to work to keep pace.

"Wait for me, pard!"

_"Other Fuzzies feast on your health," Goldy said. "Not me. I'm special! I get sated by sugar! Lots and lots of SUGAAAAR! So you bet I sucked that plane dry of its complimentary soda! Made sitting next to what's-his-face halfway bearable!"_

The gold and shamrock green teams climbed into medallion cabs. Flo and Maude anxiously stepped to the head of the line.

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Stay-at-Home Moms**

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Moment of truth.)" Maude said as they got into a canary yellow cab. "Hi. Statue of Liberty ferry terminal, please."

The driver nodded brusquely and began driving.

"Happy day! A friendly taxi driver!" Flo cheered.

Behind them in the rank, the red, lavender, cerulean, and forest green teams claimed cabs.

**GARF &amp; GUS: Robbo Twins**

"As fast as you can go," Gus instructed. "Don't wanna miss our boat. We're high-speed tourists."

"You got it!"

The two cheered their cabbie on as he weaved through traffic, blowing past the other teams one by one.

* * *

The leaders boarded the white ferry and congregated on the top deck for the short trip. Tally and Deyn continued a conversation with two athletic-looking tourists they'd befriended at Castle Clinton.

"Small wonder that Her Highness did not demand a similar, self-idolizing monument," Crimson muttered. "Her vanity knows no bounds."

"Liberty would certainly not share its title…" Drak said.

They leaned on the rail, lost in thought, until Dupree ruined the moment as he draped himself next to Crimson. She groaned and crumbled into a pile of bones.

"AH! _Sacré bleu_!" Dupree scrambled to keep her from falling into the Hudson River.

"Your touch returned her to dust…"

**Statue of Liberty**

When the ferry docked, the teams were among the first to disembark. They sprinted along the island's paved perimeter and found the clue box at the southeastern tip, under the statue's gaze. Dupree was making goo-goo eyes at her, forcing Goom Goom to open the clue.

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 1st Place**

" 'Make your way to Nintendo World!' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

A two-story corner store with glass windows proudly showcased its games, accessories, apparel, and toys.

"Nintendo World is Nintendo's flagship store in the Rockefeller Center, a commercial complex also known for the Prometheus Statue, Radio City Music Hall, and the GE Building."

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: Nintendo World**

Employees wearing lanyards and Paper Mario-themed buttons flashed some _very_ familiar Nintendo GameCube disc cases.

"Once teams arrive, they will need to autograph three discounted copies of _Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door_ and sell them to customers to receive their next clue."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"Flying back to the homeland already?" Goom Goom wondered. "That doesn't sound right."

"_Oui_! We just got 'ere!"

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 2nd Place  
SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 3rd Place  
DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 4th Place**

As the travelliance reconvened, questioning the clue, the pink team continued hustling clockwise around the perimeter.

"The ferry leaves shortly," Tally said. "We must be quick."

They reached the Liberty Island Gift Shop, where the tourists they'd been talking to were finishing up a purchase.

"AAAH~! Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Deyn ran up and hugged one; Tally hugged the other.

_"Working in hospitality, one thing I have learned is that travelers often seek each other's company," Tally said. "Feeling lost in a foreign land is widely relatable. We connected with two wonderful ladies who kindly agreed to help us on their own volition."_

"We cannot thank you enough," Tally gushed. She showed the camera a small paperback entitled _Guide to New York City Landmarks_. "This will be most helpful!"

"Off you go!" One of the women shooed them away, smiling. "You can't afford to miss that ferry!"

"Thank you!"

_"We're _huge_ shopaholics in our normal lives," Deyn said. "We cover each other's eyes whenever we pass souvenir stands, because money's tight here. That guidebook was an unexpected gift, but it totally made our day. People are just amazing!"_

"I love New York!" Deyn shouted as she ran.

* * *

**GARF &amp; GUS: Robbo Twins**

"You rock, man!" Garf said. "Thanks again!"

The pair paid the cabbie and headed into Whitehall Terminal, a sleek building with glass walls and a tall entry hall. Failing to spot any obvious ticket counters, they accosted a seated traveler.

"We need tickets to the Statue of Liberty," Gus said.

"You're in the wrong place," he replied. "This is the Staten Island ferry."

"What's the difference?" Garf asked.

"The Statue of Liberty's on Liberty Island. This ferry passes that and goes to the other side of NYC."

"You gotta be kidding me!" Gus said. Both twins slapped their foreheads. "Our cabbie took us to the wrong place?!"

"Where's the Liberty Island ferry?!" Garf asked.

"Just north of here."

"Thanks!"

They bolted from the terminal and ran a hundred yards before realizing they were heading back inland. Another local pointed them in the right direction.

"Crud, crud, crud!" Gus shouted.

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY / EVE &amp; PODLEY / FLO &amp; MAUDE / GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA / PLENN &amp; THRIFF / SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR**

Composite shots showed the six teams milling around the ferry, waiting for it to depart.

"Weird. Where are the Robbos?" Plenn wondered. "I could've sworn they flew past us at that stoplight."

"Dunno." Thriff shrugged. "At that speed, I reckon they could be in the next state by now."

"Maybe they went to the wrong place," Arfur said. "In a city this big, even the cabbies might sometimes get lost."

"That's a scary thought, fella," Plenn said.

The ferry's horn blared. Split-screen shots showed simultaneous departures from Battery Park and Liberty Island.

**GARF &amp; GUS: Robbo Twins**

"No!" both shouted, seeing the ferry pull away from the dock. Gus punched the air in frustration. They went into Castle Clinton and purchased tickets, both looking visibly agitated.

"The next one's at 10:20," Garf said. "Shoot. They have like a half-hour jump on us."

"I can't believe this," Gus huffed. "Well, whaddya think? Should we Fast Forward?"

"Let's wait and see where we are when it appears."

"Right. If other teams get screwed over too, we'll be right back in the mix." Gus smacked his palm. "Darkly still has the Speed Bump."

_"We're scrappers," Garf said. "We've been dealt bad hands since birth, but we've beaten them before. We can do it again."_

* * *

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 5th Place  
GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 6th Place  
PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 7th Place  
EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 8th Place  
DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Currently in 9th Place**

" 'Autograph three copies of _Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door_ and sell them to receive your next clue,' " Dour orated.

"These're gonna sell faster than hotcakes at a pancake parade!" Grubba photo-bombed some tourists, posing like the Statue of Liberty. "Who wouldn't want _my_ autograph? I'm famous!"

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 10th Place**

The Crows stared at the Route Info worriedly.

"_Caw caw caw caw_. (_Sub_.: This could be trouble.)" Maude said.

_"We suspected our One-Way Mirror strategy would come to an end eventually," Maude said. "It was just a matter of when and why. We were in the back group, so we had to prioritize. Do we go out of our way to keep up the charade, or do we fly ahead full-throttle and hope no one notices?"_

* * *

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON / DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM / SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK / TALLY &amp; DEYN**

Back in Manhattan, the front pack disembarked and dashed out to the street.

"Taxi!" Goom Goom wolf-whistled.

The lime green and pink teams quickly hailed taxis, followed by the brown team. Drak and Crimson seemed surprised when one stopped for them and approached cautiously.

"Sweet, skeletons!" the cabbie exclaimed. "This is new! Where to? Local cemetery?"

Said skeletons breathed quiet sighs of relief.

"We are very much still alive," Crimson said. "Take us to Nintendo World."

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY / EVE &amp; PODLEY / FLO &amp; MAUDE / GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA / PLENN &amp; THRIFF / SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR**

About a half-hour later, the second wave reached Battery Park and scrambled for taxis. The lavender team was second out, after their allies.

"Isn't Broadshroom's Real World counterpart nearby?" Podley asked.

"Oh, that's right!" Eve perked up. "Sir, is Broadway on the way?"

"I can make it that way, but it's a one-way road in the wrong direction and much slower than taking FDR."

The former thespians exchanged glances.

"If you could show us one block or so, preferably the theatres, we'd really appreciate it," Eve said.

Overshooting their destination, the driver zigzagged around the streets intersecting Broadway Avenue. Eve and Podley stared longingly out the windows at passing Broadway theatres for several minutes before diverting him back on course.

"Hey, uh…you two okay back there?" They responded with muted sniffles. Podley hugged Eve to his side as she wiped her eyes.

_"I was the eternal understudy, never the actor," Podley said. "Didn't have the talent. We were too early to see the matinée activity, but stepping away from the _Race _to see what could have been was still an emotional moment. I never made it to Broadshroom, but at least I can say I made it to Broadway."_

* * *

**GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in Last Place**

The Craws retrieved the clue, read it, and retreated back to the ferry. After a delay, it continued its scheduled route toward Ellis Island.

"Think we should swim for shore?" Gus asked.

"Not that desperate yet."

* * *

**Nintendo World Store**

Obligatory thanks-to-our-sponsors shots featured a catalog-like walkthrough of current and upcoming Nintendo merchandise before showing the first taxi pulling up.

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: 0/3 Copies Sold**

"Wow! Yow! This place is awesome!" Goom Goom exclaimed. "Show me the Goomba plushies!"

"Show me zee dolls!" Dupree exclaimed.

The lime green team got clearance to enter an employees only area and found both the Speed Bump and a marked table with thirty copies of _Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door_. Goom Goom uncapped a permanent marker and began signing his stylized "GG." Dupree's face blanched as he read the markdown sticker.

"$19.81? A masterpiece zat involves us eez worth so much more!"

They ventured onto the store floor and made their first pitch as the other teams arrived.

"So let me get this straight," the man said. "You're characters from a video game, trying to sell me said video game."

"Kind of," Goom Goom said.

The man pantomimed his mind being blown and staggered away.

"Zat eez an example of targeteeng zee wrong demographic," Dupree said. He strutted over to an unsuspecting woman and used charm. It wasn't very effective.

"D-Man…that's an employee."

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: 0/3 Copies Sold**

"You sure your name's not Bombette? You look just like her."

Bobolink scoffed. "Please. I am vorld-famous Bomb-model!" She whipped her braid back and struck a pose. "Other vay around! Zis Bomblet girl looks like _me_! Not everybomb has zese shapely curves!"

"Uh, you're shapely, alright. Very…round."

"_Spasibo_! I am glad you noticed!" Bobolink chirped. Swob suddenly swept in, hat off and fuse bared.

"That is twenty dollars for flirting with my girlfriend, SHA-BOOMITY!"

"Gah, I didn't know!" The young man fumbled out his wallet and threw some bills at Swob. "Here, take it! Just don't blow up!"

"We are grateful to you for your purchase, SHA-POW!" Swob tossed him an autographed game. He dropped it, staring confusedly as the couple ambled away.

"Perfect. Vhat did I tell you?"

"You were right, _da_! That was quick and easy, SHA-KRACK!"

"Two more, just like zat."

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: 0/3 Copies Sold**

"Hey, cool! You're Dry Bones!"

"We are no ordinary Dry Bones," Crimson corrected. "We _command_ Dry Bones."

"_I_ command Dry Bones…" Drak said. "She commands Dull Bones…" Crimson glared at him.

"Whoa, a _chick_ Dry Bones!" The teen brandished some bucks. "Gimme some of that!"

Crimson smirked and made the sale. Drak fumed.

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: 1/3 Copies Sold**

"I've never heard of you Toadette lookalikes," a young man replied. "Where's my waifu Goombella? Or Ms. Mowz?"

"Wrong season." Deyn sweatdropped. "But that's irrelevant. We're in the middle of a _very_ famous competition. If we win, this autographed game could be worth quite a pretty penny online. A nice return on your investment, don't you think?"

The guy nodded, now looking seriously interested.

_"Selling challenge? Right up my alley!" Deyn said. "It's frequently all about how you present the product. I'm used to selling to affluent Poshley Heights people, but the principle's the same. Tailor everything toward the prospective customer. Show them they don't _want _the product. They _need _it."_

"I don't know," another man said. "That's not current gen. I think I'd rather wait for a remake."

"You sure?" Deyn smiled disarmingly. Tally flourished toward the case like a game show hostess. "New game releases are never this inexpensive. And I bet if you checked online right now, the going price for used is still higher. Worst-case scenario, you can keep this award-winning RPG in your game library for a rainy day."

"Well…alright. You got me." He handed the cheering Toads a twenty-dollar bill.

The pink team took their proceeds up to the front cashier. Instead of an envelope, he gave them a miniature black gorilla toy.

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 1st Place**

"What's this?" Deyn inspected it bewilderedly. White paint reading "86" was stenciled across its back.

(_~*TAR*~_)

Alicia Keys' chorus from Jay-Z's "Empire State of Mind" played softly as the camera panned up a 102-story Art Deco building. Blaise elaborated.

"Teams must now figure out that their King Kong action figure is directing them to the skyscraper he climbed in a classic 1933 movie: the Empire State Building."

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: Empire State Building**

"On the 86th Floor Observatory, teams will find their next clue."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"Maybe there's a zoo on 86th Street?" Deyn said.

"Possibly. According to the guidebook, New York City has several," Tally said.

They left the store and stopped a passerby.

"Excuse me," Tally said. "Does this figurine relate to anything in New York City?"

"King Kong? Of course. Climbed the Empire State Building in a couple of films."

"Empire State Building," Tally repeated, thinking. "That is close by, here in Manhattan?"

"Yup. You can't see it from here, but it's like a mile south."

"Splendid. Thank you for the information!" Tally turned to Deyn. "Cab or canter?"

"We've got the cash for a cab, but let's move that direction anyway."

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: 0/3 Copies Sold  
SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: 0/3 Copies Sold**

"It's been too long since I laid me eyes on a video game!" Thriff exclaimed as he signed his name.

"I've never even played one," Swindell mumbled under his breath.

_"We were huge gamer geeks as kids," Plenn said. "Nothing fosters a healthy sibling rivalry better than one-upping your brother's high scores."_

_"For the record, my scores always landed on top," Thriff said._

_"Gee, sorry, fella, but I don't remember it like that." Plenn chuckled. "Gaming plus sales? It was our time to shine."_

The shamrock green team set up shop near the front doors to intercept new arrivals.

"Ahoy there, and welcome!" Thriff said. "Honored to have you here in Nintendo World!"

"Have we got a special deal for you fellas today," Plenn added.

The cerulean team settled down nearby.

"No practice and we're already batting in the big leagues." Arfur exhaled and put on his best smile.

"Show me what to do, big guy," Swindell said. "This is gonna be like our future gig."

"Yup. Here goes nothing." Arfur stepped forward. "Morning. Thanks for dropping into Nintendo World. We have a one-day only offer I think you'd like."

"_I've wanted to open a shop for the longest time," Arfur said. "This was my chance to compare myself against the Toad brothers, who've been Rogueport's main sellers for years. Street food isn't the same market, but it's important that I know how to be a competitive salesperson."_

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Grandfather/Grandson**

The red team reached Nintendo World and found their picture staring back at them in the stockroom.

"Speed Bump." Darkly opened the envelope.

(_~*TAR*~_)

"For being spared on the previous leg, Dour and Darkly have now hit a Speed Bump," Blaise explained, "an extra task only they have to perform. During Bowser's Hafta Havit campaign, his Koopa Troopas stole Prometheus from Rockefeller Center."

**SPEED BUMP  
Arti-Fact Check**

A Koopa snacking on New York-style cheesecake strolled through the morning crowd.

"History is repeating itself. They will have to find this foot soldier somewhere in the Rockefeller Center streets, recover the statue, and return it to its rightful location. However, their contact at 30 Rockefeller Plaza will only accept it if they can answer a trivia question about the area."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"Petty theft, huh." Darkly grunted. "Just like Rogueport."

"Perhaps we should recruit New York City's finest to our cause," Dour joked.

With Darkly carrying all their bags, they went back outside and headed down the shaded sidewalk at a near-jog.

"These tall humans are problematic, but a Koopa should be conspicuous." Dour speed-walked like a man on a mission. "Stay alert, Darkly. We can't afford to miss this fellow."

"Right."

But in the crowded streets, that's precisely what they did.

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: 3/3 Copies Sold**

"Pleasure doink business vith you," Bobolink said daintily.

"Game is not actually thousand years old, SHA-DOOP!" Swob reassured as they hurried off. "In my heart, I know you will enjoy, SHA-PLOOM!"

The traumatized guy they'd double-teamed shivered and turned back to the display he'd been browsing. "Scary… This is why I stick to _Legend of Zelda_."

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 2nd Place**

"Vhat is zis monkey?" Bobolink demanded. "Vhere is clue?!"

"Funny little monkey _is_ clue, BABOOM!" Swob said. They walked out to the street corner. "Oh! Maybe we must find organ grinder and give $86-tip to monkey, SHA-POW!"

"Svob? Zat is dumbest nonsense ever."

"It is obscure clue, _da_? You think it is going to zoo or something? Too obvious, SHA-KOW!"

The pair continued bickering, Bobolink resisting against testing any of Swob's ideas.

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 3rd Place**

"Curious…" Drak scrutinized the King Kong figure. "An oversized chess piece… What matter of beast is this…?"

They exited the store and found the brainstorming brown team.

"You are smart," Bobolink said. "Vhat is meaning?"

"We do not know," Crimson said. "Let us seek the context."

The group consulted some locals and got the correct information. Bobolink noticed a taxi van large enough to accommodate both teams and flagged it down. Just as they were climbing in, Swob hesitated.

"What about travelliance?" Swob asked. "I thought we wait for—"

"Of course not!" Bobolink snapped at the same time Crimson said, "Absolutely not."

"Zey vill catch up," Bobolink continued. "If not, too bad."

_"I get we are on _Race _to win, SHA-DAK!" Swob said. "But we bonded with bachelors on long flight! Played fun pranks during Vancouver layover, SHA-BLAMMO! I cannot believe how fast others turned their backs! So cold-hearted, SHA-BRRRRACK!"_

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: 1/3 Copies Sold**

"Played and enjoyed it already," a teen replied. "Who needs the games when we've got ROMs? Thanks, but no thanks."

Goom Goom sighed. "Man, this is hard."

"Perhaps my number instead of my autograph, zen? Ah, no, _madam_, wait—"

"For the last time! Not! Interested!"

Goom Goom strolled over as Dupree picked up the game case and his freshly broken heart from the floor.

"I don't understand!" Dupree pouted. "I steenk at dating sims and I steenk at zis! I zought video games are supposed to be fun…"

* * *

**Empire State Building**

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Former Roommates**

The pink team paid their cabbie and took the Fifth Avenue entrance into the lobby.

"My word, this is absolutely beautiful!" Tally exclaimed. "The intricately detailed twentieth-century elegance, dare I say it, puts the opulence of the Royal Poshley Park Tower to shame!" She glanced at the camera. "Mister boss, sir, please refrain from firing me."

They spent a few moments marveling over the gold leaf Machine Age ceiling mural and the skyscraper's aluminum self-portrait relief before ascending to the second-floor Visitors' Center to purchase tickets and hopping into one of the seventy-three elevators.

"Going up," Tally said, squeezing Deyn's hand.

"And up and up and up," Deyn giggled nervously. "_This_ is a true skyscraper."

In less than a minute, they were on the eightieth floor. They dashed to the stairs, covering each other's eyes at the sight of the gift shop, and climbed to the 86th Floor Observation Deck, where the clue box stood.

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 1st Place**

" 'Your next clue is near a _Race_ flag somewhere in Brooklyn,' " Tally read.

(_~*TAR*~_)

Breathtaking panoramic shots showed the city in all its glory.

"New York City boasts a skyline with thousands of high-rises and some of the world's tallest buildings. From their vantage point 1,000 feet above Manhattan, teams must now locate a _Race_ flag somewhere in Brooklyn marking their next destination."

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: Demolition Site**

(_~*TAR*~_)

"I believe Brooklyn is a borough south of Manhattan," Tally said, thumbing through the guidebook. "Yes. We must focus our search there."

They navigated to the observatory's south side. Deyn broke a dollar into change with a nearby tourist, allowing the Toads to use the coin-operated silver binoculars.

"Found it, Tal!" Deyn quickly described the surrounding landmarks. Tally maneuvered her binoculars over and scribbled shorthand notes in the guidebook's margin.

"Most excellent. This should lead our taxi to the correct location."

* * *

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: 0/3 Copies Sold  
FLO &amp; MAUDE: 0/3 Copies Sold**

"Can't say I understand yer hesitation, son!" Grubba said heartily. "I'm famous the world over! The leadin' legendary man in this here epic tale!"

"You're not even on the cover!" the man pointed out.

Grubba shook his head, laughing. "Tell ya what! You help us out, and yer lil' girl can give this Fuzzy toy a big ol' hug!"

Goldy immediately broke her wary stare-off with the doe-eyed girl holding the man's hand. "Meork! Are you out of your mind?!"

The man looked unimpressed. "A twenty-dollar hug."

"It's so cute! Please, big brother?" The adolescent mimicked Grubba's hopeful expression. Goldy blanched. The man sighed.

Meanwhile, the nearby violet team had Flo wearing down their prey.

_"We're racing some high-tier salespeople, but I'm no slouch myself!" Flo said. "I hawked nest insurance for years before I became my company's commercial spokescrow!" She shimmied her wings. "I know how to work that subliminal messaging!"_

"You sure you're not from _Luigi's Mansion_?"

"Who?" Flo blinked. "Anyway, let me sweeten the deal. What I haven't told you yet is that my friend here is a TV star."

"Really?" The man chuckled disbelievingly. "On Nat Geo or Animal Planet?"

"She's Maude-Lin Rouge!"

"…Why does that sound familiar?"

With some more work, Grubba and Flo made their first sales. As the Crows flitted over to another prospect, Goldy wrenched her eyes away.

"Did I hear—no. Glucose hallucinations. Yeah, that's gotta be it."

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: 0/3 Copies Sold**

The lavender team rushed into the back room and autographed their games.

"How should we go about this?" Eve asked.

"Improvise," Podley said. "Upsell. Convince customers however we can. We need to make up time."

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 4th Place  
SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 5th Place**

"Sold! Thanks very much, fella!" Plenn said.

The shamrock green team traded in their earnings, shortly followed by the cerulean team. Both duos hailed taxis, asked the drivers the relevance of their figures, and got on their way to the Empire State Building.

* * *

**GARF &amp; GUS: Robbo Twins**

The Craws exchanged aggravated glances as their cabbie dialed another phone call.

"This is ridiculous. How does this guy not know where Nintendo World is?" Gus muttered. "Get a life and play some video games, dude."

* * *

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Grandfather/Grandson**

"Has anyone seen a yellow-skinned turtle?" Dour called out repeatedly. While most people ignored him, some pointed the pair toward the Koopa's last known location. Finally, Darkly spotted their target.

"Hey." Darkly dashed ahead and tapped him on the shoulder. "About time. Do I need to jump on you?"

"Nah." The Koopa produced a hand-sized replica of the Greek Titan Prometheus. "Family-friendly show. Let's keep the violence and public indecency down to a minimum."

"Sure." Darkly cradled the statue to his chest. "Now to return this."

* * *

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 2nd Place  
SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 3rd Place**

"Our clue should rest where this supposed king made his throne…" Drak reasoned.

"All ze vay up zere?" Bobolink gulped. "I am not likink zis."

They proceeded up to the Empire State Building's main deck and read the Route Info.

"Divide and conquer…" Drak commanded. "We shall pool our resources to pinpoint our destination…"

"_Nyet_," Bobolink said. "I vould rather avoid goink near edge."

"Linka, fence protects us!" Swob said.

"You are knowink I _hate_ heights!" Bobolink snapped. "I am feelink dizzy! You find flag!"

Bobolink guarded everyone's backpacks while they searched. By the time Crimson spotted the marker, Bobolink had reworked her fuse into a French braid and re-accessorized with a plum-and-magenta floral-patterned summer scarf tied as a shoulder duster.

"Her efficiency is astounding," Crimson remarked drily to Drak as they followed the Bob-ombs back to the elevator.

* * *

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 6th Place**

The Crows exchanged their game money for the action figure.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: It's on like Donkey Kong!)" Flo whooped. "(_Sub_.: Or King Kong. Same difference! Thank you Friday Fly-In Movie Night!)"

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: What was the building he climbed? It's definitely here in NYC.)" Maude said.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: The Entire State Building? No… The _Empire_ State Building!)"

They scurried outside and claimed a taxi.

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 7th Place**  
**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 8th Place**  
**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 9th Place**

Flash cuts showed the lime green, gold, and lavender teams earning their King Kong figures and leaving Nintendo World.

* * *

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Grandfather/Grandson**

The red team arrived at the sunken Rockefeller Plaza, where the true _Prometheus_, an eighteen-foot-tall gilded bronze statue, posed in all its muscled glory. United Nations country flags lined the street-level walkway behind it.

"Here I thought we had the real thing…" Darkly muttered.

A blonde curator wearing a navy blue business suit addressed them. "Here to return the Statue of Prometheus? You'll have to answer a question to prove your goods are authentic." Darkly made a face. "Why does Rockefeller Center Street close one day a year?"

"What? I don't know. To give street cleaners a vacation," Darkly said sarcastically.

"Uh… Allow me to take a stab in the dark." Dour hemmed and hawed for several moments. "I'd wager it involves…property ownership?"

The curator's expression remained neutral.

"If Rockefeller Center is privately owned," Dour continued haltingly, "but publicly used, then… Closing the street allows the private owner to, well, assert its ownership to prevent possible claims of…I believe the term is adverse possession?"

"That is right on the money." Breaking into a smile, she relieved Darkly of the replica. "You're clear to continue, gentleman."

"…Wow. Good going, Gramps."

"A fortunate time for my memory not to fail me. Haaaar…"

_"I never expected my career history to provide any outright advantages," Dour confessed. "But if there was a time for my knowledge of legalese to come in handy, the Speed Bump was it. Few laypeople would have been able to help us there."_

They hurried one city block back to Nintendo World, where the twins were just getting started.

**GARF &amp; GUS: 0/3 Copies Sold**

"Can't believe this guy's so popular here," Gus muttered as they walked past another Mario-related display.

_"Some people loitering around already had copies from other teams, so they wouldn't buy another one from us," Garf said. "We couldn't leave the store, even to sell just outside the doors. It wasn't looking good. And then Darkly and Dour showed up."_

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: 0/3 Copies Sold**

"D-A-R-K-L-Y," Darkly mouthed as he autographed his name in large block letters. Dour was less exact; his signature was essentially a squiggly line.

_"Everyone has something that has their name written on it," Darkly said. "It's fundamental to your sense of self. I'll awaken from hours of communing with the dark and forget who I am. All I have to do is check any of my clothes. Problem solved."_

"The twins are here," Darkly noticed. "Think you can outsell them?"

"Perhaps. Persuasion is one of my talents." Dour took the cases and exaggerated his shuffle as he approached his first victim.

* * *

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 4th Place  
SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 5th Place  
FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 6th Place**

Flash cuts showed the shamrock green and cerulean teams reading the clue before scattering around the observation deck.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: What're we doing up here?)" Flo asked. "(_Sub_.: Bungee jumping? Rappelling?)"

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: 'Search for a flag somewhere in Brooklyn.')" Maude read.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Totally my next guess.)"

"I see it," Swindell suddenly said.

"Without binoculars?" Arfur looked up, surprised.

"Yup. Call me Hawkeye." Swindell indicated a block of buildings far in the distance.

"That's unreal. Think you can describe it to a taxi driver?"

"Sure hope so."

The Crows noticed their getaway and checked the vicinity. Both spotted the flag, also unassisted. Some time later, the Toads located it with binoculars and got on their way.

* * *

**GARF &amp; GUS: 1/3 Copies Sold**

"I've never had this much trouble taking someone's money," Gus grumbled.

Their next few attempts were quickly shut down.

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: 2/3 Copies Sold**

"You sure you know what you're talking about, gramps?"

"Only I get to call him that," Darkly muttered darkly. Overhearing, Dour chuckled softly.

"It's the complete package," he assured. "Engaging story, memorable music, action, adventure, and humor."

Somehow Dour convinced the teen, enabling the Twilighters to receive their figure.

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Currently in 10th Place**

"I'd almost believe you'd played the game yourself," Darkly said as they exited Nintendo World.

"Apparently we lived part of it if the play is anything to go by," Dour said.

They clued into the Empire State Building and flagged down a taxi by the time the Robbos made their third sale.

**GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in Last Place**

"Finally," Garf said. "We've gotta stay on their tails."

"Done deal," Gus agreed, reposing King Kong's arms. "As soon as we figure out where the heck we're going."

* * *

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 7th Place  
GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 8th Place  
EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 9th Place**

"How'd you find it so fast?" Goom Goom asked as he and Dupree booked it down the stairs to the eightieth floor. "Don't tell me those sunglasses are telescopic!"

"Honh honh, zat eez my leetle secret!"

The lavender team arrived on deck and noticed the nearby gold team making change with some sightseers. Eve pulled two folders from the envelope.

"Here's the Fast Forward."

"Leave it," Podley said. "Darkly and Dour will need it more. This is all we can do for them, assuming it isn't already gone."

Eve was already opening the Route Info. "May fortune be on both our sides."

"Feast yer eyes on this!" Grubba shouted triumphantly.

Goldy confirmed the flag's location and forced Grubba to jot down some notes. Although Grubba reset the binoculars' position before leaving, it failed to hamper the former actors.

"A banner, billowing in the wind." Eve took her eyes from her personal set of opera glasses-like binoculars. "Is your pad ready, Podley? I'll describe some nearby landmarks to help our taxi find it."

* * *

**Demolition Site**

The first team in Brooklyn donned construction helmets before racing into a fenced-off lot of dilapidated apartments.

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 1st Place**

"Oooh, this should be fun," Deyn giggled. "Detour! Destruction or Infestation!"

(_~*TAR*~_)

Blaise, wearing a yellow-and-red construction helmet, hefted a double-face hammer over his shoulder.

"The Mario Brothers at one point worked as demolition men for a company simply called Wrecking Crew. In this Detour, teams will take on their duties by either wreaking Destruction or containing an Infestation."

**DETOUR  
Destruction or Infestation**

_*TAR*_

The screen shattered, revealing a residential tower littered with ladders, standalone stone walls…and bombs.

"In **Destruction**, teams must wield hammers to hollow out the stone infrastructure for eight floors of this condemned building. However, there is a catch. Instead of stairs or elevators, they'll navigate the area by a series of ladders, some of which are mounted to breakable walls. Breaking these early could prevent them from finishing, which will force them to restart the task."

A big man with sunglasses and a bushy purple beard scowled as Blaise handed him a _maneki-neko_ ceramic figurine.

"Once teams complete their assignment, they will obtain a Lucky Cat that Foreman Spike will exchange for their next clue."

_*TAR*_

Dinosaur-like Gotcha Wrenches and mask-wearing Eggplant Men marched past the camera. A red steel drum suddenly fell from above, sending them all running in panic.

"In **Infestation**, teams will use the tools of a barebones two-story complex to corral some of Foreman Spike's unruly henchman. Nine Eggplant Men must be tricked into holding rooms, and eight Gotcha Wrenches must be trapped underneath Dead-End Drums. Once all seventeen are contained, teams will obtain the Lucky Cat for exchange."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"I hesitate to bring walls down around us," Tally said, "but it seems safer than inconveniencing the beings of Infestation. What if they suffer claustrophobia?"

They picked up their hammers and accessed their assigned section of the apartment. The clean interior looked suspiciously more like a building's atrium under construction than the opposite; the green girders and struts showed no signs of previous use. Dots of yellow and red paint marked every wall slated for demolition.

"Stylin'." Deyn took a few practice swings. "Who needs a wrecking ball when you've got a sledgehammer? Here goes nothing! YA!"

She made the first hit. _CRASH!_ Tally followed suit, knocking another wall panel to rubble. They alternated strikes against a durable gray brick wall, clearing the floor, before moving up to the next one.

_"Smashing walls with heavy hammers? Super fun!" Deyn said. "Climbing up those rickety wooden ladders while carrying said heavy hammers? Not so much. The whole setup was fraught with danger, but I think that just amped up our adrenaline."_

"Remember to lift from your legs!" Tally hit a bomb, blowing adjacent walls and a ladder to smithereens.

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 2nd Place**

"Infestation serves our aptitude for leading mindless minions…" Drak said.

They glanced back at the property entrance (where Bobolink was complaining about having to wear a filthy helmet over her stylish bow headband), cackled, and infiltrated an overrun apartment through its second-story fire escape. Struts supported Dead-End Drums over gaps in the support beams. The officers observed the ground floor, where their future prisoners were roving the rooms and hallways.

"One of us must descend to open the doors," Crimson said pointedly.

"You…"

"What?"

"My higher rank qualifies my post as your commander…"

"Surely you jest! I will not stand for your insistence on maintaining this outdated hierarchy!"

"Correct… You run for it instead…"

Crimson fumed. "Very well. When your guidance fails, we switch positions."

"Understood…"

Crimson descended a staircase to the first floor. Two Gotcha Wrenches immediately started toward her, while a trio of Eggplant Men obliviously continued on its merry way.

_"Each species had a defined movement pattern," Crimson said. "The vegetables simply turned at each opening they encountered, be it hallway or an open door. Those accursed tools, however, chased anyone who entered their line of sight."_

"Drak! Direct me to an open area!"

A Dead-End Drum clattered to the ground behind a Gotcha Wrench. Crimson huffed and started running. Although she was a slow runner, the plodding Gotcha Wrenches were even slower. With Drak uncommunicative, however, she soon found herself cornered. Crimson shrieked in surprise when the Gotcha Wrenches picked her up like an unruly concert mob and paraded to the front doors.

"Unhand me at once!"

They complied…by tossing her outside. Angry, Crimson stomped back up to the second floor. Drak glanced at her before sending down another drum.

"I successfully contained two creatures in my role…"

Crimson threateningly made to shove him. Drak raised his hands and skulked toward the staircase.

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 3rd Place**

"Destruction runs in my shell, SHA-BOOMITY!"

" 'Self-induced explosions are prohibited,' " Bobolink read. Swob eagerly hoisted a hammer overhead. "You cannot be givink us penalty, Svob!"

"I make no promises, SHA-WHAM!"

"SVOB!"

"I am joking, _da_?" Upon entering the apartment, Swob promptly turned around and bashed his hammer against the wall. Cracks formed as the building itself groaned in protest. Outside, Foreman Spike hollered furiously.

"AAAH! _NYET_!" Bobolink screamed. "Marked valls, marked valls!"

"Oops." Swob giggled sheepishly.

* * *

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Currently in 10th Place**

The Twilighters exited the elevator to the Empire State Building's 86th floor and proceeded to the clue box. Darkly immediately opened the Fast Forward.

(_~*TAR*~_)

"This is the third of nine available Fast Forwards," Blaise narrated.

**FAST FORWARD  
Piping Hot Shower**

Rapid shots flew to a museum-like institution complete with Ionic columns. A giant plunger statue commanded its front plaza.

"To claim this Fast Forward, teams must travel to Brooklyn Plumbers Academy, the place where Mario and Luigi learned their craft, and complete a Killer Plumbing drill: assembling twenty assorted pipes into a shower. Unlike the Mario Brothers, teams will have full toolkits at their disposal."

Minutes were condensed into seconds as a white-haired, mustached man constructed a barebones, rickety-looking shower system and demonstrated its water flow.

"Once they've created a serviceable shower, academy founder Salvador Drainado, the Prince of Pipes, will award them the Fast Forward."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"Thoughts?" Darkly prompted. "Can we do this?"

"We must," Dour said. "It's the optimal way to resolve our situation."

During the ride back down, Darkly read the Route Info. "We're committed now."

"Hm?"

"There was a task up there to find the next destination. We can't waste time going back."

Dour shuddered. "…An added incentive, then."

**GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in Last Place**

Gus read the Fast Forward prompt aloud. "Either of Granddark have plumbing experience?"

"Doesn't matter," Garf said. "If they get it, we've got nobody to fall back on. We'd have to beat others on the main route, and we haven't seen anyone since the airport."

"Fast Forward showdown it is."

They grimly pounded fists as they stepped into the elevator.

* * *

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: 6/8 Floors Cleared**

"Are we done?" Deyn wiped her brow. "I only counted six stories. That's not right."

"…We may have prematurely destroyed the ladders," Tally realized. "I fear we must begin anew."

They carefully descended back to the ground floor, exited the complex, and asked for a reset. A herd of Eggplant Men and Gotcha Wrenches stampeded into their vacated unit. Exaggerated construction noises from unseen mechanical tools filled the air.

"…Perhaps we should attempt Infestation while they make repairs," Tally suggested.

"Good idea. Who knows how long they'll take?"

Less than a minute after the Toads switched, the construction crew flooded back out.

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: 2/8 Floors Cleared**

_BOOM!_ "SHA-BOOMITY!" _CRACK!_ "SHA-CRACKITY!" _POW_! "SHA-POWITY!"

"SVOB! Enough vith sound effects!" Bobolink shouted. She displayed moderate strain at keeping her hammer floating.

Swob wrecked a sturdy brick wall with three swings and a giddy guffaw. "Exploding more efficient, but this is fun, SHA-SHOOM!"

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: 8/17 Enemies Contained**

Drak pounded a switch, opening the door to a cramped half bathroom. Three Eggplant Men blindly turned in, and the door automatically closed behind them. Drak continued jogging down the hallway with two Gotcha Wrenches in hot pursuit.

"Predictable." Crimson removed a strut, sending a Dead-End Drum crashing down on top of a Gotcha Wrench. "Drak! Another circle of the perimeter!"

"_Yet again Crims fails to acknowledge my superior tactical genius…" Drak muttered. "My barrel placement effectively concentrated our puppets on a condensed battlefield… And she fallaciously believes that her expedited results are product of her design alone… Hah…"_

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 4th Place**  
**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 5th Place**  
**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 6th Place**  
**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 7th Place**

The six men selected Destruction; the women, Infestation.

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: 0/17 Enemies Contained**

"My sincerest apologies, good sirs!" Tally jumped, startled, as Deyn trapped their first Gotcha Wrench with a Dead-End Drum.

"Yeah! Gotcha!" Deyn celebrated unapologetically.

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: 1/8 Floors Cleared**

"It's hammer time!" Swindell swung his hammer like a baseball bat, reducing a wall to rubble. "Yes!"

_"That sure awakened my inner anarchist," Swindell said. "I'm used to breaking _into _things. Picking locks, removing windows…stuff with finesse, yeah? I was a cost-conscious thief. But man, brute force destruction is unbelievably fun!"_

Arfur wielded his tool in one hand like a medieval warhammer. He obliterated a bomb, causing a chain reaction that wiped out the adjacent walls and a ladder leading to the seventh floor.

"Didn't think anything would top firing fireworks, but this is awesome!" Swindell whooped.

* * *

**Brooklyn Plumbers Academy**

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Grandfather/Grandson**

The Twilighters arrived on the trade school campus and found the Fast Forward site in an alley littered with piles of pipes in varying lengths and diameters. Overall-wearing task judge Salvador Drainado nodded approvingly as the Twilighters began tinkering.

"It's like a three-dimensional puzzle," Dour said, setting aside the showerhead. "I'm not exactly the sharpest fellow, but… I believe we can do this."

Darkly lightly flip-tossed a wrench as he eyed the pipes.

"Let's arrange these before we start connecting things," Dour said. "It wouldn't do to reach the cusp of completion, only to find we'd made a fatal error."

"Yeah." Darkly began maneuvering the ridiculously sized pipes, some of which were several times his height, into possible two-dimensional configurations. Dour stood back, providing suggestions.

All too soon, the Craws arrived.

"Shoot." Darkly attached their first two pipes to a fitting and tightened the connection. "We've got company, Gramps. I could use your hands down here."

"…Erm, alright." Dour carefully got on his knees and grabbed a wrench.

**GARF &amp; GUS: Robbo Twins**

"Any chance we can use this shower when we're done?" Garf asked. "We stink."

_"This was all or nothing," Darkly said. "We didn't look for the flag back at the Empire State Building. If we lost, we were definitely getting eliminated."_

Dour and Darkly's planning period sped their work along, but Garf and Gus' intuition gave them surprisingly swift progress.

"We've got this in the bag!" Gus exclaimed loudly. "Save yourselves some time and head back now, guys!"

"No way." Darkly tightened another connection.

"You kids aren't the ones with the Hazard," Dour retorted. "We'd be foolish to surrender here."

_"We can't afford mechanics, so we've become amateur do-it-ourself-ers, making repairs when our utilities go haywire," Garf said. "But that meant nothing. We were trying to make up ground on Darkly."_

_"That guy makes weird stuff happen under cover of darkness," Gus elaborated. "It's like some bizarre superpower. So of course we were working in a shaded area. We had to keep him distracted, or else we wouldn't stand a chance."_

Sal monitored the teams' progress, periodically walking between their stations.

"No offense _bambinos_," he chimed in, "but I'm placin' my bets on the old-timuh."

"Thank you," Dour said.

"Yeah, thanks, judge," Gus said sarcastically. "Way to be ageist."

* * *

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: 5/8 Floors Cleared**

Dupree ascended the first few rungs of the ladder, but yelped and leapt off after glancing up. "_Monsieur_ Goombanova! 'Old on tight to zat 'ammer!"

"I am!" Goom Goom replied. "See?" The hammer rotated in midair near his body. Dupree whimpered and tugged his construction helmet tighter over his afro.

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: 6/8 Floors Cleared**

Thriff scrambled up the ladder like a monkey. Once Plenn joined him, they made short work of the breakable walls.

"Just call us the Super Smash Brothers," Plenn said, resting his hammer against some rubble.

"Is that everything?" Thriff asked after a pause. "Doesn't add up. There's still two floors above us."

Split-screen shots showed the cerulean and lime green teams also hitting the same dead end.

"Huh. Looks like we messed up somewhere," Plenn said, preening his mustache.

_"Even when a challenge looks primarily physical, we can't afford to stop thinking," Plenn said. "Like ma used to say, Toads get big caps for big heads with big brains. Our big 'staches add some big luck, but we can't afford to rely on just any one asset here."_

"Survey everything first in case those fellas changed the layout," Plenn said, tapping his pencil against his notepad. "We'll solve it this time."

"All righty."

The construction mob flooded out, leaving the original number of marked objects in an altered formation. Both Toads left their hammers at the door and scribbled notes as they navigated the building.

** FLO &amp; MAUDE: 6/17 Enemies Contained**

"Stop bird-handling me so roughly! WAAH!" Flo squawked as the Eggplant Men unceremoniously tossed her outside. She shook herself off and hurried back up to the second-floor entrance.

"Are you unharmed, Falconet?" Maude asked. "Should we switch duties?"

"No, no, Merlin! I won't be captured again!"

_"We've nicknamed ourselves The Raptors," Maude explained. "It's like psychological role play that pulls from our acting backgrounds. We're plenty fierce as is, but getting in-character as Falconet and Merlin, two supercrow-heroines, helps us deal with some of these challenges. We developed detailed character sketches and everything!" _

From her bird's-eye view on the upper level, Maude watched as Flo drew near with a group of Gotcha Wrenches.

"You ruffians need a timeout!" Maude exclaimed. She swooped around, leveled off her flight path as she picked up speed, and full-body tackled a strut. Its supported Dead-End Drum crashed down behind her, trapping Flo's lead chaser. With the hallway blocked, the other Gotcha Wrenches turned back.

"Your aim flies true, Merlin! Thanks!" Flo navigated to the intersecting corridor. Noticing an incoming Eggplant Man trio, she gleefully pecked the button to a holding chamber. "Go to your room!" They obediently filed in. "Ha ha! That was easy!"

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 1st Place**

Crimson imprisoned their eighth Gotcha Wrench. A beckoning cat statuette materialized in midair where her last Dead-End Drum had stood.

"…What a creepy talisman." She informed Drak, seized it, and met him at the outdoor supervising station with the chunky Waluigi-lookalike, who handed them the clue. " 'Make your way to Mario Brothers Plumbing.' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

Rapid shots traveled through Brooklyn to a nondescript red brick building.

"Teams must now make their way to the neighborhood of Flatbush and locate Mario Brothers Plumbing, the former Real World business of Mario and Luigi."

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: Mario Brothers Plumbing**

"Outside, teams will find their next clue."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"Curses… We were foolish in dismissing our taxi…" Drak muttered.

They departed the demolition site in search of transportation.

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 2nd Place**

"Throwing vegetables, trapping vegetables…all we're missing is eating them!" Deyn said. "Cherries obviously don't count."

Tally redirected their last trio of Eggplant Men into a closet, triggering the Lucky Cat's appearance. The Toads left the apartment and hurried to the task judge.

"You've got great taste in tchotchkes!" Deyn bubbled. "This kitty's pretty cute!"

"It's not mine," Foreman Spike snarled. "Keep it."

"Oooh, another present?" Deyn giggled. "Guess today's a great hair day despite all those hours against a headrest!"

"Your offer is much appreciated, but we haven't the space in our luggage," Tally said before reading the Route Info.

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 8th Place**  
**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 9th Place**

The lavender team chose Infestation; the gold team, Destruction.

* * *

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY / GARF &amp; GUS**

"Can you hold it steadier?" Dour asked.

"Trying…" Darkly said. "It's heavy."

Both teams were nearing completion on their showers. The three-dimensional formations were tall and wobbly, so Darkly and Garf stabilized the structures while their partners finished tightening connections.

"One more!" Gus said, rotating his wrench manically.

"Curse these old joints," Dour muttered, glancing over at the twins' progress.

"…There, done! We're done!"

"Show me, don't tell me," Sal said.

"Wha? …Crud, forgot the water!" Gus attached their hose's free end to the nearby pipeline and opened the valve. Garf gave the cross-shaped faucet a quarter-turn. Instead of a gentle sprinkle from above, he received multiple sprays to the midsection.

"Gah!" Garf hurriedly shut the shower off. "I thought you tightened all these!"

"I thought I did, too!" Gus rushed over to fix the leaky connections.

"To think it came down to who could turn a wrench faster…" Dour said, shaking his head.

"C'mon Gramps, we still have a chance," Darkly said.

Moments later, controlled rain spouted from one team's showerhead. Hollering in celebration, Garf and Gus hopped in and out of the spray.

" 'When the plumbin' gets tough, the tough get plumbin',' " Sal said sagely. "You young kids've proved yaself worthy of both the Academy."

"So we're like graduates?" Garf grinned. "Pretty good for first-timers, right?"

"Nah, just followin' my script. I coulda done that in five minutes with my bare hands!"

Nonetheless, Sal presented the Fast Forward. Gus opened it while Garf shook himself off.

**GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 1st Place**

" 'Make your way to Mario Brothers Plumbing…' The heck?"

_"Having won the Fast Forward," Blaise explained in an abbreviated segment, "Garf and Gus may now proceed to the next pit stop: Princess Peach's Castle. This will make more sense shortly."_

As the twins raced off, Dour thumbed through his team's remaining cash.

"There goes our glimmer of hope. We can't afford a return trip to Manhattan."

"Terrific," Darkly muttered.

Dour turned to Sal. "I don't suppose you know the exchange rate for coins or yuan?"

* * *

** SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: 2/8 Floors Cleared**

"Wait, hold it!" Swindell shouted. Arfur redirected his hammer's arc at the last second and pounded the floor.

"What?"

"That bomb's next to a ladder." Swindell glanced up. "A really, really tall ladder. I bet that's how we reach the top floors."

The third-floor ladder led up to the seventh. Further inspection revealed two additional ladders that granted access to the fragmented eighth floor from the fourth. Swindell and Arfur began clearing out the seventh floor, rejuvenated knowing that they'd solved the puzzle.

"Man, that's sneaky!" Swindell paused mid-clobber. "And totally bizarre building design."

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: 3/17 Enemies Contained**

Both Eve and Podley stayed on the second floor, coordinating their efforts to trap the Gotcha Wrenches.

"Wrench approaching, stage right!" Eve said.

"Got it. Ready to deploy on your signal."

"…Now!"

Podley shoved the strut, allowing its Dead-End Drum to plummet to the ground and immobilize the target.

"Four for four!" Podley exclaimed, high-fiving Eve. They carefully maneuvered the I-beams to the next available Dead-End Drum.

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: 2/8 Floors Cleared**

"Who needs a hammer to lay the beatdown on these flimsy drywalls?" Grubba said, striking various martial arts poses as he waited for Goldy to ascend the ladder. "I've got the rump-kickin' moves to level this derelict dump! A stone-crushin' left cross! A crowd-rivetin' roundhouse kick! A razzly-dazzly aerial cartwheel!"

"Urk…! I'll hammer _you_…to get rid of…all that hot air!" Goldy threatened, clearly struggling with carrying her hammer. Grubba just guffawed.

"Needin' some help there, li'l lady?"

"No! I've…got it!" Goldy finally reached the third story and took a breather while Grubba ran around destroying walls. All too soon, they were moving again. "Ugh… I hate hammers…"

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: 7/8 Floors Cleared**

"_Nyet_! Stay avay!" Bobolink shrieked. "Do not hit me!"

"ThIsSsSsS iSsSs SsSoO mUcH fUuUnNnN!"

Upbeat 8-bit music played as a shiny Golden Hammer, swinging up and down on its own volition, pulled Swob around. He steered it where he needed to go and decimated the sturdiest type of brick wall in one blow.

_"I was smashing walls, minding own business," Swob said. "Then suddenly, hammer became golden and glittery, SHA-WHAM! Power up time! I could _fly_, SHA-POW! Amazing destructive power, and I was chosen one, SHA-WHAMMO!"_

Swob majestically hovered down to their final floor. Upon destroying the last wall, the hammer returned to normal and a Lucky Cat appeared in the rubble.

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

Foreman Spike scowled at the pile of ceramic shards. "What's this supposed ta be?"

"Cat statue for finishink Detour," Bobolink replied. "_Someone_ vas hammer-happy."

"You were taking forever coming down, SHA-CRACKITY! My mind still in Destruction mode, SHA-BOOMITY!"

The foreman's eye roll was obvious even with his sunglasses.

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: It's like the cat version of the Travelocity Roaming Gnome.)" Maude noted as she handed the _maneki-neko_ to Foreman Spike.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: That makes it ten times creepier.)" Flo mimicked the figurine's raised paw with her wing as Maude read the clue.

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

"Tell your crew to simplify that inconvenient floor plan next time, fella," Plenn joked, handing his and Thriff's drawn diagrams to Foreman Spike with the Lucky Cat. "Not very user-friendly when carrying heavy loads."

"Aye. Or one-handed."

"Maybe add some elevators?"

"Get lost," Foreman Spike grunted. After they did, he balled up the papers and tossed them over his shoulder.

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 7****th**** Place**

"Here's your cat," Swindell said blithely. Foreman Spike grit his teeth as he forked over the clue. "And here's hoping we didn't get passed by a bunch of teams."

"With that weird layout, I'd be surprised if everyone didn't mess up at least once," Arfur said.

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: 6/8 Floors Cleared**

" 'Allo? _Monsieur Chat_?" Dupree shoved some rubble aside. "Zis kitty eez quite elusive, no?"

"Should we switch?" Goom Goom asked. "We destroyed all the walls, and still zip. I don't even know what we're doing wrong."

"_Oui_. Zee insanity of repetition is no way to advance."

They moved into an Infestation apartment, and were promptly thrown out by the local Gotcha Wrenches.

"Glad you're my flatmate instead of roughhousers like them," Goom Goom muttered. "Guess we should split duties. I can throw drums if you'll stick around the first floor as bait."

* * *

**Mario Brothers Plumbing**

Even the most knowledgeable NYC taxi drivers were unfamiliar with a business that'd been defunct for years. As they searched through Flatbush, teams spotted the clue box on the sidewalk before the establishment's vertical signage.

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 2nd Place**

The distant cousins opened the next envelope, revealing a Roadblock.

" 'Who wants to go home?' " Crimson read.

(_~*TAR*~_)

The camera panned along a row of derelict-looking Warp Pipes in an alley.

"Teams are now heading back to the Mushroom Kingdom, but the Warp Pipes have conveniently become clogged. Using the provided tools, one team member must restore a Warp Pipe into working order."

**ROADBLOCK  
Take Me Home**

A fade away transition resurfaced in Toad Town and zoomed north to a magnificent castle with a stained glass window above its front doors and pointed turrets bearing royal flags.

"Once their work is approved, teams will have a direct route back to the kingdom's capital and its most recognizable landmark: Princess Peach's Castle."

**ROUTE INFO  
Go to Pit Stop: Princess Peach's Castle**

Mario, Princess Peach, and Season 2 alumnus Toadsworth formed the greeting committee. Blaise stepped into frame.

"This is the possible pit stop for this leg of the _Race_. The last two teams to check in may be eliminated."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"Blind alternation is an inadequate system…" Drak argued. "Our proximity to that sewage shop logically indicates that you are better equipped…"

"How— Hooktail Castle does not have—" Crimson shook her head. "Fine. What is one more task, when I have done everything else this leg?"

"Preposterous… I—oof…" Drak grunted as he caught her backpack.

They followed _Race_ arrows to a secluded, narrow alleyway between two brick buildings. Crimson stared cluelessly at an overstuffed tool belt, then into a Warp Pipe's depths.

"Better equipped indeed. Pah." She experimentally took a toilet plunger by the cup and jabbed its handle into the Warp Pipe. When that yielded no information, she clanged a basin wrench against the outside. "To what purpose do all these implements ascribe? Must I use every single one?"

A nearby manhole cover popped up, revealing a construction helmet atop aviator goggles and mop-like hair.

"Judge here! Am I late? I'm late, aren't I? Whoa, hey now!" Edison raised his rubber gloved-hands. "All you otherworldlies greet people with weapons in the face?"

"You are the fool who attempted an ambush…" Drak sheathed the bone somewhere on his person.

"Ambush? Nah, you got me all wrong buddy! This is the fastest way to get around! Speakin' of which, travel sure gives me the munchies!" Edison went back underground. Frowning, Drak stood on that manhole cover.

Crimson jumped up and down on top of the Warp Pipe, to no avail. "Most vexing. Hmm…"

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 3rd Place**

"Go home?" Deyn repeated, puzzled. "That can't be right. Well, I said I'd do the next one, so… Oh, ick! I'm unclogging a Warp Pipe?!"

"Mm… The hand sanitizer dispenser will be available when you finish," Tally said helpfully.

"How reassuring."

Deyn joined Crimson in tinkering with the tools. Edison suddenly reappeared from a different manhole, causing Tally to shriek and shoot several dollops of sanitizer all over his pizza. Drak clapped sarcastically.

"Aw, come on! What a waste of a good Neapolitan pie!"

"Oh! You're…not a sewer monster? My sincerest apologies. Who might you be?"

"Name's Edison! I'm the Mario Brothers' old roomie!"

"Their former roomie?" Tally's expression brightened. "How nice! Are you a plumber as well?"

"Eheheh, no way!"

She studied his attire. "Construction worker? Pilot?"

"Nope, and nope! Proud electrician, noblest trade of all!"

"I never would have guessed."

* * *

** EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

"Time for your grand exit." Eve pressed a button, directing the incoming Eggplant Men into the elevator shaft. As the doors closed, the Lucky Cat fell into her hands. "That was our final three, Podley! We're done!"

"Great!" Podley exclaimed. "Now let's split before those guys figure out how to escape."

** DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: 5/17 Enemies Contained**

"Eef only all zee world's beautiful bloomeeng onions pursued me with such dogged persistence," Dupree sighed. "Why, I would not dare run away."

"No! Don't you dare stop running, D-Man!"

"I jest, I jest!"

Dupree comfortably outpaced the foreman's minions as he circled the hallways.

"We should've done this one from the beginning," Goom Goom said. He mistimed his tackle and dropped a Dead-End Drum behind the Gotcha Wrenches.

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: 6/8 Floors Cleared**

Double-wielding their hammers, Grubba searched the debris for their Lucky Cat.

"This is insanity! How're we supposed to get up there?!" Goldy cried.

"Use those big eyes of yers! A ladder, just like how we got here!"

"So why isn't there one?!"

"Guess they forgot to build it again! Mighty slipshod work, that. Wastin' our time with their goof-ups! I'm gonna give 'em a piece of my mind!"

"Your shriveled-up pea brain has nothing to spare," Goldy muttered. "Hey! Wait! Would you slow down and _think_ for a second?!"

_"Einstein was obviously doing something wrong," Goldy said. "We were doing the same thing over and over and getting nowhere. Whose fault is that? I wanted to do Infestation, but nooooo, he saw hammers and decided we were doing Destruction!"_

* * *

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 4****th**** Place  
SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 5****th**** Place  
SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 6****th**** Place  
PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 7****th**** Place**

Flash cuts showed Maude, Arfur, and Thriff volunteering for the Roadblock.

"I am not homesick, SHA-FOOM!" Swob protested. "I could stay here forever, SHA-PLOOM!"

Upon reading the details, Bobolink spluttered in horror.

**GARF &amp; GUS: Robbo Twins**

The forest green team bypassed the clue box and headed straight for the building's basement.

"This is Mario's pad?" Garf said. "Cool place. Feels lived in."

"Feels like a dump," Gus said. "Too much clutter."

"Must be nice, actually having furniture."

They activated a Warp Pipe Orb on the table…

* * *

**Toad Town**

…and popped out of a many-to-one Warp Pipe on the outskirts of Toad Town. The twins easily spotted the red roof marking their destination.

"Unless the princess is in another castle, I guess we're going there," Garf said.

As they drew closer, Gus noticed Blaise's retinue and groaned.

"Figures. A store that sells Mario dolls. Mario Brothers Plumbing. Of course we're meeting the coin pincher at the pit stop."

They hit the mat. Mario waved.

"Hope you enjoyed your time in New York City," Peach said with a curtsy. "Welcome to Toad Town."

"You the girl this guy was trying to save?" Gus asked.

"…Pardon?"

"He treat you right?"

"Gus!" Garf hissed. Toadsworth bristled. Mario just looked confused.

"Garf and Gus," Blaise said, "you are team number one."

**GARF &amp; GUS: 1st Place**

"A win's a win!" Garf exclaimed, high-fiving Gus. "We'll take it."

"Keeping in this leg's theme, you've won a five-day vacation to Kyoto. You'll get to spend some time visiting the city's numerous temples, shrines, and parks; hiking Mount Atago; enjoying _kaiseki_ cuisine; and of course, touring Nintendo headquarters."

The Craws nodded, looking slightly disappointed. Blaise seemed amused by their non-reaction.

_"Getting our Fast Forward outta the way simplifies things for us," Garf said. "Other teams will be having their do-or-die showdowns when the numbers are down and we're pushing ahead."_

_ "That come-from-behind win was…weird," Gus said. "We've never been in sync like that. Before today, I would've scoffed at the idea of twin powers, but…now I'm a believer."_

_ "Believe it. Twin powers to the end!"_

* * *

** CRIMSON / DEYN / MAUDE / BOBOLINK / ARFUR / THRIFF**

"No pressure, Arfur. You've got time."

"Keep at it, bro!"

"You can do this, Deyn. Stay positive."

"There's no one right way to finish," Edison said, commentating the proceedings. "Your belt's got multiple guaranteed solutions. Someone could make the winning move any second!"

By the magic of hammerspace, Maude pulled a jackhammer from her belt. She cawed confusedly and stuffed it back in.

"_With everyone else verbally encouraging their teammates, I was struggling to contain my inner cheerleader," Flo said. "I was afraid I'd slip if I jabbered too much. I sent good vibes, though!"_

_ "No, it's okay," Maude said. "I knew that your silence was moral support as opposed to tacit disapproval."_

Cue shot of Drak glaring daggers into Crimson's skull.

"Multiple sizes of the same tool?" Crimson muttered, discarding a wrench set. "How inefficient."

"Zis is disgustink!" Bobolink said as she siphoned water of questionable cleanliness from her pipe.

_"Warp Pipes are one of the world's modern marvels," Thriff said. "It's rumored there be one on Keelhaul Key going back to Rogueport, but all my seafaring friends would outcast me if I used it. Supposedly undermines the harrowing expedition we made."_

Arfur and Thriff awkwardly swung sledgehammers into the Warp Pipe's abyss, each using the other's strikes to pace himself.

_"Everyone knew there was _something_ somehow blocking the Warp Pipe," Arfur said, "but we couldn't figure out what it was or how to remove it. I was half-expecting the others to catch up and an eleven-team footrace the moment someone had a breakthrough."_

"Hmm? This doesn't look plumbing-related." Deyn extracted a canister of Insta-Cement Insta-Remover. "Worth a try."

She sprayed its contents into the Warp Pipe. Cracking and shifting noises dimmed as the obstruction broke apart and fell through. Deyn grinned and quickly stashed the canister back into her belt.

"The lovely pink team is clear to go!" Edison announced.

"What?" Crimson and the others glanced over, surprised.

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

"Splendid job!" Tally exclaimed. After the Toads used the Warp Pipe, Edison popped out of the nearby trashcan and plunked a manhole cover over the entrance.

"How did sheeEEEEK!" Bobolink shrieked.

A hairy blob with lime slice-eyes scampered into the alley, snatched Deyn's tool belt, and retreated into the shadows.

"Strangest anti-cheating device I've ever seen," Thriff muttered.

None the wiser, the Roadblock participants resumed their search. After several more strikes, Arfur's Warp Pipe sounded off and pulled the sledgehammer from his grasp.

"Blue team! Go, go, go!"

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

"Don't have to tell us twice," Swindell said.

Crimson and Bobolink equipped their sledgehammers with visible reluctance and began pounding away, but quickly tired after a few swings.

"_Cawcawcawcaw_. (_Sub_.: Deyn didn't use a hammer. There should be something else...)" Maude mused quietly.

* * *

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 9th Place**

"Whoa-oh. There's an awful lot of cats back there," Goom Goom said, glancing at Foreman Spike's collection. "We need to hurry!"

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 10th Place**

"Are we back to playing catchup again?! MEORK!"

"We'd've been outta there in a ten-count if you'd done somethin'! Like use those googly-eyes to spot those dern dirty bomb 'n ladder tricks! Even a superstar can't focus on everythin' at once, y'hear?"

"Wearing sunglasses indoors doesn't help your case!" Foreman Spike grunted, looking insulted. "Ugh! Shut up and find a taxi!"

* * *

"Tally and Deyn. You are team number two."

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: 2nd Place**

"Our consistency is the payoff of your efficacy," Tally said. "Wonderful work today."

Shortly after, another team jogged up.

"I can smell the ocean," Arfur said. "This town really is like home."

"Rogueport with one-hundred percent less rogue," Swindell joked. "Whoa, hey! If it isn't the number one coolest guy in the world!"

"Long time no see." Arfur shook Mario's hand. "Been doing well?"

"Any dashing tales of more save-the-world hijinks?"

Blaise cleared his throat. "Swindell and Arfur. You are team number three."

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: 3rd Place**

* * *

** EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

"This isn't what I envisioned by 'go home,' " Eve said as she rummaged through her tool belt. She pulled out a pipe wrench and stared at it in bewilderment. "None of these tools fit around the Warp Pipe. How do I—"

"Dark purple! Er, violet! Yeah, you're clear!" Edison suddenly announced.

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

With the others already alert, Maude couldn't conceal the canister fast enough. Everyone—including the newly arrived Eve—ransacked their belts for the Insta-Cement Insta-Remover.

"Brown team, done! No, wait! Light purple! Gray! Oh, and green! All of you! You're all goin' home!"

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 5****th**** Place  
EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 6****th**** Place  
DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 7****th**** Place  
PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

"The fruit of our labors, rotted by a single-step task," Crimson cursed, throwing on her backpack. "Fortune is too cruel."

* * *

"_Cawcawcawcaw_! (_Sub_.: I hear teams shouting behind us. Run!)" Flo urged.

They flat-out booked it to the castle and hopped onto the mat. Blaise and the greeters acknowledged them, but abstained from the formalities until the others arrived.

"_Cawcawcawcaw_. (_Sub_.: Remember. Play it cool if…Blaise starts asking us questions with everyone around.)" Maude said, gasping for air. Toadsworth looked at them suspiciously.

One by one, the other teams dashed up and greeted their old buddy Mario, with the exception of the straggling Shadow Army officers.

"A loathsome sight to cap a loathsome ending…" Drak muttered.

"Welcome to Toad Town, everyone!" Peach said.

"Flo and Maude, Plenn and Thriff, Eve and Podley, Swob and Bobolink, and Drak and Crimson. Teams four through eight, in that order."

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: 4****th**** Place  
PLENN &amp; THRIFF: 5****th**** Place  
EVE &amp; PODLEY: 6****th**** Place  
SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: 7****th**** Place  
DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: 8****th**** Place**

"Yes!" "Whoo!" "Lucky seven, SHA-CHING!"

Plenn, Podley, and Thriff exchanged high-fives. Bobolink, Crimson, and Drak exchanged sulky looks.

"Now. Judging from your reactions, I'm assuming this man needs no introduction."

Ex-racer Toadsworth deflated upon realizing Blaise was referring to Mario.

"Actually—" Bobolink started.

"Aye!" Thriff nodded proudly. "Captain was a loyal customer at both our shops!"

"Fella went Gold Bar status on our point system several times over," Plenn added.

"In addition to returning our village to normal, he reestablished communication between Podley and I," Eve said fondly. "Without him, we wouldn't be standing here right now."

"He erased my graffiti, SHA-SLOOM!" Swob exclaimed. Bobolink's glare went unnoticed.

"You'd be correct," Podley said, chuckling. "The warrior who saved the world and our friendship clearly needs no introduction."

Peach giggled as Mario sheepishly rubbed his head. Everyone turned expectantly to the cousins.

"He gave me a headache," Crimson said flatly.

"Bested us in combat…" Drak clarified, scowling.

They froze, suddenly nervous.

"Ahem. Aside from choosink unflatterink clothink, is zere anyzink you cannot do?" Bobolink asked. "I do not believe we have met…"

* * *

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 9****th**** Place**  
**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 10****th**** Place**

"_I'm_ doing this one!" Goldy interrupted. "I can't wait to go home and get a break from you!"

"That's exactly where we're headed if ya don't start pickin' up some slack," Grubba muttered.

Goldy bounded into the alley, where Goom Goom was experimenting with a ball-peen hammer.

"Whoa!" Goom Goom perked up. "We're not last? Sweet!"

"_Oui_! Your radiant fur and preestine molars are a lovely sight for tired eyes!"

"Pipe down!" Goldy snapped. "All your waxing poetic is mucking up my concentration!" Dupree clutched at his wounded heart.

_"I live in a sewer," Goldy said. "I have _great _night vision. Good thing I took the Roadblock, or else Chubba'd still be stuck there karate chopping away."_

"What deranged individual disrespected the pipe by putting _that_ in there?" Goldy asked.

Goom Goom and Goldy continued trying out various tools until one of them hit the jackpot with the jackhammer.

* * *

A Southern-twanged "GONZALES!" from afar snapped Mario to attention.

"I say, I must be hearing things," Toadsworth said, adjusting his spectacles.

"No, I heard it as well," Peach said. "Mario, did—"

Before anyone knew what was happening, Grubba flew in out of nowhere with a mighty jump kick. Mario barely jumped out of the way in time.

"It's been too long, son! HYAAAAAH! I started trainin' for this tussle the moment we parted! HWOAAARH! That jump o' yers is lookin' as showstoppin' as ever, so whaddya say we have ourselves a li'l rematch! I don't need no machine to win this time!"

"Master Mario, what is the meaning of this?" Toadsworth yelled.

"MEORK! Emergency restraining measures, deploy!" Goldy screamed, launching herself at Grubba.

"Outta the way, pard! This here's a one-on-one, no-holds-barred brawl for all the glory! MAAAACHO SLAAAAAM!"

Blaise stared forward at the empty mat.

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: 9th Place**

"AAARH! Sizzlin' and stylish as ever, I see! We're just gettin' started! You ain't so tough without yer partner, son! I—OOF! Not bad for a chubbo! C'mon, show me all ya got! SHOW ME YER MOVES, GONZALES, I DARE YA!"

"Um… Should I call for security?" Peach asked.

"MEEOO—OW! I'm trying to help you, dangit!"

"On second thought, perhaps some healing items would be more appropriate," Peach decided.

"I shall send for them at once." Toadsworth turned toward the fray. "Master Mario! Once you are finished, depart immediately to procure some Ultra Shrooms!"

"We _have_ a medical team." Blaise's mutter went unheard.

Some time later, the flatmates arrived. Dupree brightened upon seeing the princess.

"Welcome to—"

"Oh, a voice like zee tinkleeng of weend chimes! _Bonjour_, my _princesse_." Dupree fell to his knees before her. "My, my! What pure beauty, with floweeng 'air fairer and softer zan a newborn chick's down, eyes zee color of ripe blueberries! Could you be zee real-life siren 'aunteeng my dreams?"

Peach was stunned speechless.

"Now, now, young man, respect the Princess' personal boundaries!" Toadsworth implored, shoving Dupree back.

"Least you aren't all torn up about this," Goom Goom muttered.

"Dupree and Goom Goom," Blaise said at last. "You are the second-to-last team to arrive."

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: 10th Place**

"This…is not a double-elimination leg."

Goom Goom breathed out. "So glad you talked me into Fast Forwarding away the Hazard."

Crisis averted, Dupree returned to important matters. Peach's visible discomfort eased at Mario's approach.

"Ah, _bonjour_, _Monsieur_ Mustache! Eez zees exquisite enchantress not deevine? Now, what say you, my love? I am zee world's most charmeeng Prince Charmeeng. Join us, and we can… Honh? Wh-What are you doing with zat 'ammer, _Monsieur_? Zees eez not zee Detour!"

* * *

"I like the dark and dank feel of these tunnels," Darkly said. "The trains and stations need fewer lights though."

Condensed footage showed the red team traveling back to the Empire State Building via subway.

"_I hobbled through four physically grueling legs," Dour said. "It wasn't easy, but the rewards are worth it. I hope I've inspired folks like me who've journeyed miles beyond the hill to keep trying new things. It's never too late to add pages to your adventure. Until it's too late, that is."_

Dour threw his body weight against a Dead-End Drum, trapping their final Gotcha Wrench.

"Perfect-a-mundo!" Darkly exclaimed.

_"I have new respect for Gramps," Darkly said. "Yeah, he wasn't my original teammate pick. But it worked out. I can look at him with pride and say, 'Yeah. That's my Gramps.' He was more than just a shadow of his old self. It was great to watch."_

"If only this were as simple as the pipe to Twilight Town," Dour said as he fiddled with a basin wrench. "I have my name on my pants and everything."

Darkly cracked a grin.

"_I've missed years of real bonding time with my family due to my mayoral responsibilities, but that changes now," Dour said. "The _Race _is only the beginning. I'm grateful I did this with Darkly. His fortitude has been inspirational. He's grown into an extraordinary young man, and I can't wait to see where he goes from here."_

"Darkly, look! It's the savior of Twilight Town, Mario!"

"We've met."

"And Sir Toadsworth! A pleasure." Dour handed him a Silver Club membership card. Toadsworth accepted it, confused.

"Dour and Darkly. You are the last team to arrive."

**DOUR &amp; DARKLY: Last Place**

"And I'm sorry to tell you that you've been eliminated from the _Race_."

_"On the…bright side, I guess, back to the shadows I go. Yeah. I've had enough sun exposure for several lifetimes."_

Darkly directed Dour to the shadiest part of the path as they leisurely strolled away from the mat.

* * *

_"Next time, on _The Amazing Race_!" Miles narrated. "It's the rewind we've all been waiting for!"_

With a Mini-Timulator ticking in the foreground, a bearded Shaman waved his hands around a crystal ball.

_"Crazy modes of transportation!__"_

A UFO ricocheting off trees like pinball bumpers appeared right on cue. Flash cuts showed Swindell and Arfur leaping onto a runaway train car and Dupree wiping out on a surfboard.

_"Nonstop action!"_

Rapid shots hit Garf and Gus brandishing spears; Drak and Crimson building a skeletal army; Bobolink modeling fashionable cold weather wear; and Podley, Dupree, and Deyn lobbing snowballs off-screen.

_"And a debuting twist!"_

"_Caw caw caw caw_. (_Sub_.: Hello Intersection, goodbye One-Way Mirror.)" Flo muttered.

_"It's crazy! All this and more on Episode 5: Forward to the Past!"_

* * *

**End of EPISODE 4**

* * *

Easter Eggs  
\- The game price, $19.81, alludes to Mario's first appearance in the 1981 game _Donkey Kong_.  
\- Selling three games alludes to the three artifacts per city (NYC included) Luigi had to return in _Mario is Missing!_  
\- The Infestation requirements, 9 Eggplant Men and 8 Gotcha Wrenches, alludes to their source game's sequel, _Wrecking Crew '98_.

_**Author's Notes**_ (5/18/16): _Race_-wise, Dour/Darkly could've left in Episode 1, because they'd never Nick &amp; Don their way deep into this course with Dour's physical condition. This episode is a nice send-off because the tasks acknowledge Darkly's role in the game. His passive "Shadowboost" ability, directly addressed during the Fast Forward, has no factual basis. It's inspired by Goombella's Tattle ("He just stays here in the shadows all day long…whatever powers you up…") as a buff to balance Dour. My headcanon had Darkly originally applying with his friend Gloomer, but production pairing him with his grandfather instead.

After a leg celebrating some of his Real World-adventures (_Donkey Kong_ was originally one side of the Detour), it felt natural to have Mario welcome teams as they returned to the Mushroom World. Episode 2's 8-bit Mario previewed a concept that's gone largely unexplored in this series: the impact of Mario's adventures on NPCs. Aside from Season 1, this season has the most characters whose lives and/or outlooks are irrevocably changed by the player progressing through the game's plot and completing side-quests. Appropriately enough, his appearance here and teams' reactions to him have some plot relevance moving forward.


	6. Ep 5: Forward to the Past

_**Author's Notes**_: A boss character from _Paper Mario_ appears with the following Badge build: Chill Out, Damage Dodge, Defend Plus, Dodge Master, Feeling Fine, and Lucky Day.

* * *

_**The Amazing Race 4: Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door Edition  
**_**EPISODE 5: Forward to the Past  
**_**Paper Mario**_** / **_**Mario's Time Machine**_** / **_**Mario &amp; Luigi: Partners in Time**_

* * *

_"Previously, on _The Amazing Race_," Blaise narrated. "Eleven teams raced nearly 11,000 kilometers from Beijing to New York City. Crimson and Bobolink aligned with travel-savvy Dupree."_

"We propose a travelliance," Crimson said to Dupree. "Show us everything you know."

Split-screen shots showed the bones and bombs then leaving the bachelors behind at the Nintendo World Store.

"So cold-hearted, SHA-BRRRRACK!" Swob said, looking guilty.

_"Flo and Maude struggled to maintain their Smorg-inspired strategy as they continuously found themselves in close quarters with other teams."_

"Do we go out of our way to keep up the charade," Maude said, "or fly ahead full-throttle and hope no one notices?"

"_Cawcawcawcaw_. (_Sub_.: Play it cool.)" Maude advised as others joined them at the pit stop.

_ "Meanwhile, Dour and Darkly battled to overcome their deficits."_

"Allow me to take a stab in the dark." Dour contemplated the Speed Bump's miniature Statue of Prometheus.

_ "But losing the Fast Forward to eventual leg-winners Garf and Gus sealed their fate as the third team eliminated."_

"Granddark, out." Darkly retreated into the shadows.

_"Ten teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?"_

* * *

Dusk shots captured Chanterelle singing inside Club 64, Li'l Oinks frolicking in a pen, and the K64 train leaving its station. Fast forwarded footage showed the streets emptying as night fell.

"This is Toad Town," Blaise narrated. "Capital of the Mushroom Kingdom, it has rebounded from numerous disasters throughout history and is characterized by its continually evolving layout and appearance. To the north is Princess Peach's Castle, which has often been kidnapped like its eponymous owner. This is the start of the fifth leg in a _Race_ around the Marioverse.

"Garf and Gus, who arrived first at 2:33 PM, will depart at 2:33 AM."

* * *

**GARF &amp; GUS: 1****st**** to Depart, 2:33 AM**

Foyer lighting seeping through the castle's open doors illuminated the pit start as Garf opened the first clue.

" 'Travel on foot to the Toad Town Dojo.' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

Speedy shots proceeded to an unassuming fuchsia blue building atop a cyan raised foundation. A yellow diamond sign bearing a black cross stood hidden in the shadow of the adjacent Item Shop. Miles narrated by voiceover.

"Located on the west side is the Toad Town Dojo. Here, teams will find their next clue!"

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: Toad Town Dojo**

(_~*TAR*~_)

" 'You have sixty coins for this leg of the _Race_.' " Garf bumped fists with Gus. "Alright, here we go!"

_"World-saver or not, when a so-called hero gets in my way of living, I think I'm allowed to hold a grudge," Gus said. "Ten coins to him is a fortune to us. Him constantly getting referenced is driving me nuts, but I can deal since we're getting paid in the end."_

The twins jogged through town, shining their flashlights around.

"None of these buildings scream 'dojo' to me," Gus said.

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: 2****nd**** to Depart, 2:42 AM**

"What bittersweet parting." Tally glanced longingly back at the castle. "Those hours of bliss were far too short."

"Right? Most pampered pit stop ever!"

"You misunderstand. We could learn much about service from observing Her Highness' retainers at work."

"Riiiiiight. As they wait on us hand and foot? I think I understand perfectly."

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: 3****rd**** to Depart, 2:44 AM**

"I hope we're staying here this leg," Arfur said. "This town's atmosphere is so refreshing."

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: 4****th**** to Depart, 2:48 AM**

Mindful of the teams waiting nearby, Maude quietly dictated in Crow.

_"My little heart can't take all these close calls!" Flo exclaimed. "I was afraid the mat chat would give us away, but thankfully our celebrity guest star Mario stole the spotlight. What a true hero!"_

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: 5****th**** to Depart, 2:49 AM**

"Haven't been using coins since Leg 1," Plenn noted wryly. "Finally back to a currency we're familiar with."

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: 6****th**** to Depart, 2:50 AM**

"What a gorgeous view," Eve said, admiring the sky. "On this night of a thousand stars, we embark on another new adventure."

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: 7****th**** to Depart, 2:51 AM**

"Hurry, before ve are losink zem!" Bobolink hissed. She bided time flaunting her ruby gemstone necklace and Mushroom ball-shaped barrette for the camera.

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: 8****th**** to Depart, 2:52 AM**

"It sickens me that she can outrun us," Crimson grumbled.

_"We hinted at our true allegiance in a moment of weakness…" Drak said. "Whether these empire-destroyer-worshippers noticed and organize retaliation remains to be seen…"_

Hearing other teams approaching, the Robbos groaned.

"Great," Garf said. "So much for our lead."

"Hey!" Swindell slugged them in the shoulders as he and Arfur caught up. "Glad to see you guys survived! Having trouble?"

"Yeah," Gus said. The four continued jogging together. "I swear we've sightseen this whole place."

"Tried asking anyone?" Arfur asked.

"Guess who're the only suckers awake at this hour."

Back in the main square, Podley knocked on the door of a building with a Toad's head on its signboard. The bombs and bones loitered nearby.

"Are you sure this is alright?" Eve asked.

"Toad Houses are like Inns without the respectable business model," Podley replied. "Whoever's on duty should know where we're going."

But by chance, the violet team spotted the clue box first.

"_Caw caw caw caw._ (_Sub_.: Is that what I think it is?)" Maude squinted. "(_Sub_.: Oh no.)"

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

"_Caw caw caw caw_. (_Sub_.: Hello Intersection, goodbye One-Way Mirror.)" Flo muttered.

(_~*TAR*~_)

"Teams have hit an Intersection! Here, they must play nice and pair up with another team, making decisions and completing tasks as a unit until further notice. Teamwork is key, 'cause this one's a doozy!"

**INTERSECTION**

An elderly Toad with a bushy beard and a red, floor-length martial arts robe bowed before striking a forward stance.

"The Master is the Dojo's sensei. What these four-person teams must do…is land a single damaging blow on him within a one-minute round."

**ROUTE INFO  
Damage The Master**

"Should be a snap, right? Think again! This isn't a turn-based RPG! Plus, The Master's superior defense and evasion are being boosted by a set of Badges!"

A green-shelled Buzzy Beetle named Chan bashed a gong with his queue.

"Quartets lacking in combat skills can purchase a Bros. Item from the Item Shop next door. However, spending 120 coins here could be financial suicide!"

(_~*TAR*~_)

"_Caw caw caw caw_. (_Sub_.: Looks like we don't have a choice.)" Flo said resignedly.

Eve and Podley made a beeline for the Dojo. Everyone else caught on, resulting in the seven teams converging on the clue box in quick succession.

"Dibs on the Robbos!" Swindell yelled.

"Dibs on officers, SHA-BLAM!" Swob echoed.

"You've broken up bar brawls before, right?" Plenn asked Podley.

"Well, not exactly, but—"

"Dibs on Podley!" Thriff announced.

"Wait, what— Who—" Deyn finished reading their clue after the others had already paired up. "Aw, nuts. We're stuck waiting for another team."

"Hopefully Grubba remains in the game," Tally said.

"What about us?!"

Everyone stopped and stared at the Crows.

"Ta-da! It speaks!" Flo exclaimed, wings outstretched. "Um. Surprise?"

_"The leg after Mayor Dour leaves for Sequesterville, we're forced to reveal ourselves anyway," Flo sighed. "Don't you just love irony?"_

A Duplighost wearing an indigo _tangzhuang_-style sheet poked his head out the door. Noticing him, Eve tensed.

"Heard you all psyching yourselves up," Lee said. "Who's first?"

"Hold on," Podley said, pointing at Flo, "you—"

"We volunteer," Swindell said quickly. "Bring him on!"

The crowd filed into the Dojo, which was dimly illuminated by a Mushroom-shaped wall light, and lined up along the room's perimeter. Garf and Gus claimed rental spears from the weapon rack, as permitted by the clue. Coughing and hacking, The Master calmly studied his opponents.

"Four of us against this old geezer?" Gus fell into stance, smirking. "A minute sounds excessive."

"Then allow me to even the odds with my full power," The Master replied. "To battle!"

A ring of purple energy and a burst of smoke engulfed him as he went full-on Super Saiyan, emerging with a golden aura that visibly distorted the air. Even better, he was _levitating_.

"Oh crud," Gus squeaked.

"Tempt fate, power levels shoot over nine thousand. Nice going," Arfur said dryly.

**GARF &amp; GUS + SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: 1****st**** Attempt**

Chan rang the gong, starting their round. The Robbos attacked in synchrony, but The Master dodged their thrusts with supernatural agility. Swindell charged in whenever he saw an opening, but he and Arfur largely hung back to avoid getting skewered.

"Time!" Chan struck the gong again. "Know that our Master is the strongest of fighters! Uncoordinated efforts stand no chance!"

"That's unreal," Garf panted, already winded.

"You guys…weren't even trying," Gus accused.

"I'd rather feel out your fighting tempo than risk injury from friendly fire," Arfur said. "We seriously need to strategize."

After that display, all the Intersected groups spent a few moments discussing their potential combat contributions.

"I don't believe we've been properly acquainted," Tally said, frowning.

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON + SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: 1****st**** Attempt**

"Stop labelink and overcomplicatink plans!" Bobolink interrupted, now sporting a red lily in her braid. "Just bash him over head! Simple!"

"Such recklessness will be our undoing…" Drak warned.

"You are trained soldiers, are you not? Handle zis!"

"I can help too, _da_! Early morning explosion always big, SHA-BOOMITY!"

The cousins took point, wielding long bones summoned from hammerspace. When the match started, Crimson quickly constructed several Dull Bones henchman, each of which joined Drak in throwing bones at The Master. He darted through the bombardment with the precision of a hummingbird.

"I am ready to explode, SHA-BOOM! Special mammoth explosion coming up, SHA-POW!"

Swob waddled up near The Master, fuse lit. At the last moment, The Master shoved him toward the Dull Bones squadron, causing Swob to defeat his own allies. The gong's sound coincided with Drak and Crimson slapping their foreheads.

"There goes our first try completion streak," Crimson muttered, grimacing.

**EVE &amp; PODLEY + PLENN &amp; THRIFF: 1****st**** Attempt**

"I _really_ don't like this," Eve said nervously.

"We just need you to apply pressure," Podley said. "Crowd his space so that one of us can land a hit."

"He's not going on the offensive," Thriff added. "It looks safe enough."

_"I used to watch televised fights at Podley's Place before I moved to Keelhaul Key," Thriff said. "Knowing self-defense is simple self-preservation in Rogueport. It's funny, though. I've talked more about tag team fighting with Podley than with my own brother."_

_"I was a bit of a delinquent growing up," Podley admitted. "Got into my fair share of scraps. Nothing serious. My formal training's in vinification and brewing though, not martial arts. We didn't have an edge for the Intersection, by any stretch of the imagination."_

Podley and Thriff brought the fight in close, throwing measured blows to avoid hitting each other, while Plenn filled in the gaps with attempted jump attacks. The Master's graceful weaving made the entire routine look choreographed, with the uncertainly flailing Eve as the director. Their minute ended without success.

" 'Way of the old man,' indeed," Podley muttered, referencing the kanji on the shomen-mounted scroll. "He's tough."

"Should we buy our way out?" Plenn suggested. "Thriff and I can afford it."

"I would not be opposed to that," Eve said.

"Let's not be hasty," Podley cut in. "We get breathers; he doesn't. When he's fatigued, we'll stand a better chance."

**FLO &amp; MAUDE + TALLY &amp; DEYN: 1****st**** Attempt**

The Toads attempted distracting The Master with feints while the Crows swooped in from above. He evaded them with ease.

_"Five legs into the _Race_, our first conversation with the moms regards our discomfort at hitting an elder," Tally said. "It was an inopportune time to meet their true selves, and it immediately became apparent we were the worst combination for that challenge."_

"A noble effort, but you cannot hope to move on if you hold back," The Master said, addressing everyone. "I have yet to truly show you my defensive prowess!"

* * *

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: 9****th**** to Depart, 3:10 AM**

"I sure hope we're doin' what I think we're doin'!" Grubba exclaimed.

"Your past life might be useful for once," Goldy quipped.

_"Gonzales an' I are two-and-oh, but that's 'cause I wasn't in tiptop shape, havin' to carry that flouncing' doorstop you call my partner," Grubba said. "I ain't givin' it my all an' showin' all my tricks just yet. I'm still testin' her limits. They're purty darn weak, far as I can tell. 'Cept fer the Roadblock, I did _all_ the work last leg. Nuthin' like a useless jobber to make me look extra-good in comparison!"_

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Last to Depart, 3:12 AM**

"What sweet sorrow eet eez, zat such a lovely 'eart 'as already been claimed!" Dupree cried plaintively to Peach's stained glass window.

"Really? If that's one of the matchmaker's gals, you gotta let her go," Goom Goom said. "Man, he's popular…"

* * *

**GARF &amp; GUS + SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: 2****nd**** Attempt**

"You're going down this time!" Gus shouted.

_"It was like a fight scene from those martial arts movies," Swindell said, "where the outnumbered hero takes on an army of ninjas. Except…this old guy was kicking our butts without even touching us!"_

Cue obligatory battle montage of The Master outmaneuvering the challengers.

"Formation Delta…" Drak ordered.

"That one has explosion, _da_?" Swob leapt into action. "Your wish is my command, SHA-BLAMMO!"

Bobolink body checked him in tandem with several thrown bones. The Master barely threw himself out of the blast radius in time. Bobolink cursed.

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM + GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: 1****st**** Attempt**

"Hoo-WEE, does this look fun!" Grubba hollered excitedly. "Two legendary lightweights in twelve hours! What a treat!"

"Ah, I will stay out of your way, honh?" Dupree said. "I am a lover, not a fighter."

"Ditto!" Goom Goom added.

"Are you sissy stags seriously making us do a four-person task ourselves?" Goldy asked angrily.

"Ain't gonna be a prob! This main event's only got star billin' for one, and that's yours truly!"

"Don't be stu—hey!"

Sans fedora and blazer, Grubba took his position in the _embujo_ and smiled winningly.

"You…" The Master cracked his knuckles. "I never imagined I'd face you once more. A shame I am bound by these restrictions."

"That's show biz," Grubba chortled. "Don't just stand pat fer me, now. Let's drive this crowd wild!"

"So be it."

They bowed to each other.

_GOOONG!_

Grubba lumbered forward and jumped into the air. As The Master made to sidestep, Grubba canceled his ground pound and instead bolted toward the wall, performing a backflip kick. The Master eluded impact, but was left open for the follow-up; Grubba toppled him with a conclusive leg sweep. All the onlookers gasped.

_"We tired The Master out by the time Grubba arrived," Thriff said, "but it speaks volumes that he won singlehandedly. I've said since the beginning that he's a dangerous threat. He outmuscles _everyone_."_

_ "Don't worry bro," Plenn said. "Podley and Eve were the only ones with a reason to take a shot at him until that stunt. But fella's in everyone's crosshairs now."_

"You have bested me this time," The Master said. "Lee, their reward!"

"Certainly, sir."

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM + GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently Tied for 1****st**** Place**

The lime green and gold teams exited the Dojo before opening their clues.

"Y'all're welcome," Grubba said, leering at the flatmates. " 'Yer Intersection is over. Travel on foot to Shy Guy's Toy Box—' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

Quick shots headed to an abandoned goldenrod building in southwest Toad Town. Inside was a room with streamers, a spring, and a polka-dotted box.

"Shy Guy's Toy Box is an around-the-clock playground! These guys sure aren't shy about playtime!"

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: Shy Guy's Toy Box**

A swirling, colorful transition set the scene for the whimsical world within. Composite shots showed crayon doodles and spinner wheels on the walls, rocking horses roaming free, and a larger-than-life slot machine. The final shot lingered on a Mushroom-shaped, open air, windup train car.

"Once the newly un-Intersected teams locate it and enter, they'll ride the Toy Train around the stations in search of a marked bag."

Several burlap sacks were cinched at the ends by yellow and red rope. Each knot held a pleated Route Info sheet in place.

"The catch is that there's only one train car in service, and it'll keep moving regardless of whether teams are onboard or not. Toot toot!"

(_~*TAR*~_)

"Time fer more knockin' on doors an' yellin' 'til we find where we're goin'!" Grubba exclaimed.

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON + SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: 5****th**** Attempt**

"My accessories are not explosion-proof!" Bobolink protested.

"Tough luck!" Crimson snapped. "We need you to ensure this strategy succeeds!"

"I explode with power of ten Bob-ombs, SHA-PLOOEY!" Swob volunteered. "We can do it, SHA-KOW!"

This time, Drak charged in close, wielding his bone like a katana, while Crimson summoned their army of ranged attackers. Swob chased The Master down, exploding as fast as his recharge period allowed. Pressure on all sides trapped The Master into taking a clobber to the noggin from Drak.

"Halt!" Lee shouted. "You have succeeded!"

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON + SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently Tied for 3****rd**** Place**

"As I said: bash over head. Simple, _da_?" Bobolink said smugly. Drak bristled.

"Linka is so smart!" Swob agreed. "Now onward, SHA-SHPOW!"

**EVE &amp; PODLEY + PLENN &amp; THRIFF: 5****th**** Attempt**

As Podley had predicted, the nonstop battles were taking their toll. He and Thriff actually landed several glancing blows from the outset, but Lee only called the match when one of Thriff's punches made The Master flinch.

**EVE &amp; PODLEY + PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently Tied for 5****th**** Place**

"Gee Mr. Master, you're one tough customer," Plenn said. "I hope I'm a fraction as incredible as you when I get older."

"With mustaches like that, you are well on your way," The Master said.

"Mine's the bushiest!" Thriff exclaimed. "Does that mean anything?"

Eve followed the Three Moustacheteers out, looking thoughtful.

_"The Intersection confirmed that Mayor Dour and Darkly were eliminated, which is quite unfortunate," Eve said. "But I'd say it also solidified avenues for another possible partnership. Wouldn't you?"_

_"Possibly," Podley replied. "The East Rogueporters know Plenn, Thriff, and I go way back, but we've stayed quiet to avoid being targeted. We're not averse to helping each other, but when it comes down to it here, I'm only concerned about you and me. As it should be." _

**GARF &amp; GUS + SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: 5****th**** Attempt**

"Gotcha this time," Gus said, brandishing his spear. Garf mirrored him.

With the armed twins creating a distraction, Arfur wound up and launched Swindell at The Master's back. Swindell landed feetfirst and flipped off, sending The Master staggering forward on impact.

"Yes! That was so sick!" Swindell snickered as he held up a Mushroom-shaped billfold. "Stole the win and your wallet in one foul swoop!"

"I…didn't even realize I had that equipped." The Master floated over and snatched it back.

**GARF &amp; GUS + SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently Tied for 7****th**** Place**

The Robbos kissed their rental spears goodbye before skedaddling with Swindell and Arfur, leaving only the violet and pink teams.

* * *

Overhead shots revealed several bright hallways branching away from an oval-shaped railroad. Pastel lights gave the area a playful, childlike atmosphere. The camera zoomed to a jump pad near Blue Station, where the first two teams had touched down.

**Shy Guy's Toy Box**

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM / GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA**

"Oh là là!" Dupree exclaimed, looking around. "A giant world wrapped inside a present! Or did we shrink?"

"I'll take Option A," Goom Goom said. "Being even more vertically challenged? No thanks."

"Who cares?" Grubba said. "Bring on our loco locomotive!"

Several seconds later, the Toy Train rounded the bend and slowed as it approached Blue Station. Both teams dashed onto the platform.

"All aboard!" the conductor Toad yelled.

Goldy and Grubba took him literally and leapt in. Expecting the train car to stop, Dupree and Goom Goom instead found themselves left behind as it accelerated back up to speed.

"What the— Runaway train!" Goom Goom shouted. He turned to the Toad employee standing near a pair of arrow-marked buttons at the station's entrance. "You saw that, right?"

"Nope. Violates safety regulations, so I'm turning a blind eye," he replied, staring off into the distance.

"Er, right zen. When eez zee next train?" Dupree asked.

"That's the only one. You'll have to wait for her to come back around."

They stared at him, dumbfounded.

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Therapist/Patient**

The Toy Train barreled past the nightlife. A team of Medi Guys tended to a motley-wearing Groove Guy who'd apparently played too hard and passed out.

"Next stop: Pink Station!" the conductor yelled. "Now arriving at Pink Station! Piiiiiiink Station!"

"We're standing right next to you!" Goldy snapped. "Can't you loudmouths ever turn down the volume?!" Grubba laughed.

"Just doing my job, ma'am! Wouldn't want you to miss your stop!"

The gold team disembarked at Pink Station. Spotting the heap of bags in a corner, Goldy bounced over and removed the Route Info from one.

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

" 'Take me where I belong—' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

Quick shots backtracked to one of the town's few labeled buildings, the Post Office. A Cyan Paratroopa wearing an aviator helmet and goggles waved the camera inside.

"Teams must return these mail sacks to the Post Office and assist local postman Parakarry by sorting the contents for delivery."

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: Post Office**

Demonstration footage of Parakarry filing letters into sorter shelves slowed as he found a nondescript envelope with no addressee.

"While most letters correspond to destinations along Parakarry's route, two in each sack contain parts of an exclusive cipher that teams must solve using numerical information about their mail. No cheating!"

Parakarry's superior, a stern-looking mustachioed Paratroopa, adjusted his postal hat before saluting.

"Once the Postmaster has verified their work, teams can proceed to their next destination, as outlined by the cipher."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"Mail inside? Post Office. Easy peasy," Goldy said. "Now how to escape this trippy toyland?"

Grubba hoisted the sack over his shoulder. "Guess we gotta wait for it to come back 'round!"

** DRAK &amp; CRIMSON / DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM / SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK**

"Bonjour, _mademoiselle_," Dupree said. "You look beautifully bewitcheeng zees fine morn—"

"You did not witness our battles, but know that I command infinite methods to inflict suffering on my foes," Crimson threatened.

"Honh? Are we not traveling allies? Why so cold, my lo—"

"_No_."

"Vhere are PRI crazies?" Bobolink asked.

"They got ahead of us on the train," Goom Goom said.

"Only space for one?"

"No, uh… You'll see."

"What are buttons for, SHA-PAFF?" Swob wandered over to the arrow switches. Nearby, Drak studied the simplified route map.

"Which direction did the train go…?"

"Mach 1 that way." Goom Goom indicated east, toward Pink Station, with his eyes. "Why?"

"Swob… Activate the one pointing left…"

"Button blast activated, SHA-BLAM!" Swob exploded by it. Above them, the pavilion's giant arrow spun around before settling on its new direction. Somewhere on the opposite side of the track, the Toy Train reversed its course, now heading clockwise-bound.

** GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Therapist/Patient**

"All aboard!"

The gold team redirected its attention from the now-motionless arrow to the approaching train car.

"Turnin' back just for us? Mighty kind of ya!" Grubba exclaimed. They hopped onboard.

"Wasn't me," the conductor replied knowingly.

** DRAK &amp; CRIMSON / DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM / SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK**

The travelliance crammed onto Blue Station's platform as they heard the conductor's announcements.

"Move your hineys!" Grubba shouted.

"It won't stop for us," Goom Goom said. "Get ready to jump."

"Vhat?" Bobolink asked.

Dupree and Goom Goom dove on as Goldy and Grubba squeezed out and dashed to the jump pad out of Shy Guy's Toy Box. Before the Toy Train could accelerate out of sight, Drak backtracked and whacked the right arrow button, nearly giving the lime green team whiplash. This time, the gray and brown teams successfully entrained.

"Eez eet not romantic?" Dupree sighed. "Lovers, reunited in a leap of faith as zee train departs zee platform!"

"_Da_! Mai was right after all, SHA-WHOOM!" Swob sidled up to Bobolink, who rolled her eyes.

"Stop vith nonsense."

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 2****nd**** Place  
SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 3****rd**** Place  
DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

After picking up their mail sacks at Pink Station, the travelliance redirected the train and re-boarded.

"Leave it on this path," Crimson said. "The other teams may overlook the controls and be forced to check every stop."

* * *

**FLO &amp; MAUDE + TALLY &amp; DEYN: 10****th**** Attempt**

Clearly struggling, the quartet lost another round.

"There is no cowardice in choosing to run away from a superior foe," Lee advised.

"For penalty takers, the viewing public generally disagrees," Flo replied.

"We do have _another_ option…" Tally started.

_"If we'd spoken up sooner, we might've avoided Intersecting with two other pacifists," Maude said. "With the possibility of double elimination, we weren't keen on trying until sunup. We'd have an easier time recovering from being broke than being hours behind, penalty or otherwise."_

"Plenn? Or Thriff? What're you doing here?" Deyn asked confusedly upon entering the Item Shop. "You already passed."

The shopkeeper sleepily mumbled something.

"Whoops, never mind! You're a mirror image of some guys we know." Deyn took out their coin card. "The charge is this leg's allowance, right?"

For 120 coins, the women received an orange Trampoline and a pamphlet describing how to execute a team attack with it. They quickly read and discussed the instructions before returning to the Dojo.

"They're trying new tactics," Chan said, hitting the gong. "Please be careful, Master!"

"Hey, no helping him!" Deyn shouted. "We paid good money for this!" She tossed the Trampoline onto the floor. The Dojo's ceiling seemed to fold back, revealing the night sky, but no one noticed.

"Come, Merlin! Now we fly!" Flo exclaimed.

"Merlin?" Tally echoed, confused.

In quick succession, the four jumped onto the Trampoline, bouncing high into the air. Flo and Maude assumed more aerodynamic dive bombing positions mid-fall, while the acrophobic Deyn screamed. The Master easily anticipated their landing spots. Undaunted, the four repeated the cycle, with the Crows periodically stalling in midair to vary their timing. Still, The Master dodged their attacks with time to spare.

"This pattern is too blatant," Tally realized.

On her next landing, Tally forewent the Trampoline, instead running up and slugging The Master in the shoulder. Lee called the match just before the minute ended.

"My sincerest apologies!" Tally exclaimed.

"Unconventional, but valid," The Master conceded.

**FLO &amp; MAUDE + TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently Tied for 9****th**** Place**

As both teams exited the Dojo and read their clues, they heard and saw the gold team running east.

"That simplifies our search," Tally said. "Many thanks!" Her group headed in the direction the leaders had come from.

* * *

**Post Office**

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Therapist/Patient**

"Special delivery!" Grubba threw the door open, startling the two Paratroopas working inside.

"Scare my wings off, why don't ya," the Postmaster gasped, hand over his chest.

"You're here!" Parakarry flitted over. "And you brought a mailbag. Great! Mind sorting that for us?"

"As if we have a choice," Goldy said.

They claimed a corner near the counter. Grubba emptied a sizable mound of envelopes onto the floor.

"Well, I'll be!" He whistled. "I see you small-town folk still write heaps of snail mail! Heard of all the electronic doodads we got nowadays?"

"If everyone switched to those, we wouldn't have jobs," the Postmaster huffed. "Anyway, only part of that backlog is real."

"And guess who's separating that from the dummy mail when you all leave?" Parakarry muttered.

The gold team began separating the mail into smaller piles based on destination.

"Toad Town…" Goldy said. "Shiver City… Yoshi's Village… Koopa Village…hey, I have relatives there!"

* * *

Brief clips showed the other teams exploring Shy Guy's Toy Box and retrieving their mail sacks. None of them noticed the stations' interactive controls. As a result, they went through the time-consuming process of investigating Red Station and Green Station and waiting for the Toy Train to circle back around.

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 5****th**** Place  
EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

"I honestly didn't know," Eve replied. "Now I feel silly, going all these years believing the Twilight Town Crows couldn't understand me. All those times I spontaneously burst into song, thinking no one was around…oh, how embarrassing!"

"Nothing I don't do after closing time myself," Podley mumbled.

"Guess they were just using their assets as strategy," Thriff said.

"At what cost? Falconet and Merlin, or whatever their names are," Plenn said, "no fella's gonna help the mystery team that's suddenly asking for information instead of eavesdropping, five legs in. I know I'm watching my mouth when they're creeping around from now on."

"Sneaky is one thing, strong is another. We're not shifting our Delay to them, right?"

"Nah. We've got bigger birds to fry."

"Doesn't the saying go—"

"Meant exactly as I said it."

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 7****th**** Place  
GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

General Guy, piloting his signature Toy Tank, halted his Shy Squad and fired a lightning bolt from the tank's lightbulb. It knocked down a stack of building blocks, revealing a pair of Spy Guys. One futilely tried to re-hide behind his slingshot. General Guy struck a victory pose.

"Found you! Drop, give me twenty, and then prepare to redo the drill! I'll count to one thousand this time!"

The scene refocused on the Toy Train as it whizzed by. Swindell witnessed part of the moment and grinned. One of his interviews played as he turned and whispered something to Arfur.

_"Shy Guys are Bandits' less-sticky-fingered cousins. I'd never met one until the _Race_. They look so free-spirited. I kind of wonder what I'd be like if I'd grown up in Subcon or the Toy Box, playing by a different set of rules. Or just _playing_. Man, that looked fun…"_

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 9****th**** Place  
FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in Last Place**

"We'll be looking for letters without a recipient," Maude corrected, "not ones addressed to us. What a shame. I would've loved reenacting 'LEVEL FIVE! LEVEL FIIIIIVE on the treadmill!' "

Flo burst out laughing. Tally and Deyn inched away and prepared to disembark, perturbed.

* * *

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Dating On/Off**

"Who vrites letter to vhale?" Bobolink muttered, placing it in their Toad Town pile. "Zese people…"

"Here is second blank, SHA-BLAM!" Swob extracted a puzzle sheet with twenty-six questions. " 'Number of letters for Mario.' Yay, we get to read heroic fan mail, SHA-SHOOM!"

Time-lapse footage condensed everyone's arrivals at the Post Office. With all ten teams working on sorting letters or solving the ciphers, the floor became a field of mail hills.

" '—times "I love you" appears in zee Return to Sender—' "

" '—addressed to Toads in Toad Town—' "

" '—with "Dry Dry" in address—' "

" '—blue and bound for Shiver City—' "

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: '—postcards addressed to Yoshis—')"

"Switching back after that big reveal?" Swindell called out. "Jig's up, blackbirds! We know you speak our language!"

The gold and lime green teams glanced up from their work.

"We're Crows," Maude corrected.

"I wasn't hallucinating?!" Goldy asked aloud. "Yes! I'm not crazy!"

"Doubtful even without outbursts like that," Grubba said.

"She speaks! Weeth zee voice like teenkling b—"

"We're married," Maude added. Dupree immediately deflated.

"Hey, can you teach me bad words, SHA-SHKOW?" Swob asked. "Does 'cacaw, cacaw' mean anything, SHA-CLANG?"

"Svob, shame on you!" Bobolink scolded. "Swearink is not point of learnink different languages!"

"But it is most fun part, SHA-PHOOM!"

_"There was some tension, but overall I think everyone's taking it in stride," Maude said. "It's like we let them in on our little secret: we have an alternative communication method to whispering. Talking in Crow comes as a natural part of our repertoire. It just _is_."_

" '—going to Gusty Gulch—' "

" '—with multiple stamps—' "

" '—invitations from Princess Peach—' "

"These be coordinates for a date long past," Thriff realized. He and Plenn traded giddy glances.

_"There was much speculation on those devices we got back in Antarctica," Plenn said. "When that puzzle started coming together and we realized it had directions for time travel, Thriff and I geeked out. This _Race_ is feeding my inner sci-fi lover. All we're missing is the outer space episode!"_

"I have validated your section and found no errors…" Drak said.

"And I, yours," Crimson said. "We are in agreement, then?"

"Affirmative…"

They collected their mail stacks and went up to the service counter, where the Postmaster checked their puzzle sheets. Parakarry crossed his fingers; a correct solution guaranteed that the sorting was also correct.

"Looks good to me," the Postmaster said. "You've fulfilled your duty, so allow me to fulfill mine." He reached into his personal mailbag and handed them a clue.

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

The gray team worked their way outside before Crimson opened the Route Info.

" 'Get ready for a blast from the past—' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

Across the street, the door to the building with the spinning roof slowly swung open. A hooded, mustached Shaman made some hand gestures around his crystal ball.

"It's the moment you've been waiting for: we're going forward to the past! Using the Mini-Timulator from Leg 3 and the cipher detailing their destination's precise date and time, teams will visit a past version of Toad Town! Local fortuneteller Merlon will see them off."

**ROUTE INFO  
Surf Fabric of Time**

Distant mountain ranges encircled a seemingly infinite sea littered with Mushrooms and whirlpools.

"Once they've activated their Mini-Timulator, teams will find themselves cruising on self-propelled surfboards in the Fabric of Time. They'll need to collect ten Mushrooms and enter a portal to power through to their destination."

Brief cuts showed a _markedly_ different Toad Town. Quick shots then traversed crater-ridden paths to a relatively untouched building with a seafoam green roof.

"This period's Toad Town's one and only Item Shop, Gramma's Place, has the next clue."

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: Gramma's Place**

(_~*TAR*~_)

The pair proceeded to Merlon's house. Mystical light illuminated the octagonal room's center.

"So you are the first." Merlon beckoned them forward.

"An augur…" Drak said as he dug the Mini-Timulator from his backpack. "What nature of divination grants you such power to send us to the past…?"

"None, unfortunately. It is that technology. I am merely here to guide its hand." Merlon observed as they inputted the city, date, and epoch per their instructions. "Continue to carry that device as you travel. An oracle I received indicates its role in your journey is not yet over."

"Already noted," Crimson said, waving the cipher.

Drak and Crimson's visions faded to black as they and their belongings faded away like a spiral vortex.

* * *

**Fabric of Time**

Static civil twilight lent a singed hue to the mountain-framed horizon. Whirlpool-like portals periodically raged into being and dissipated on the waveless sea.

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: 0/10 Mushrooms Collected**

"Glurggk…!" "Hrk!"

Suddenly speeding along on gray-colored shortboards, the disoriented officers panicked. Their backpacks and Mini-Timulator were nowhere in sight.

"What sorcery has immobilized my feet?!" Crimson wheeled her arms about as she gathered her bearings. "Is this part of our mission? There are no Mushrooms in this place…"

Their shortboards advanced forward at matching velocities. With some experimentation, the duo figured out how to steer by leaning and shifting their body weight. Eventually, they happened across their first Mushroom. Drak reached for it, but it disappeared on contact.

"Did you get it?"

"I am uncertain…"

"What do you mean?!"

Their onscreen counter ticked up one.

* * *

Meanwhile, other teams began submitting their filled-in instructions to the Postmaster.

"I'll return this to you. It's incomplete."

"What?! MEORK!"

"Don't shoot the messenger!" the Postmaster said, backing away. "Or steal his shell."

"Ugh, great!" Goldy griped. "Now we have to redo all our numbers!"

Grubba grinned discreetly at the camera. The Toad Bros. stepped up to the counter next.

"Everything checks out okay," the Postmaster said. "You're moving on."

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

"Thanks, fella!" Plenn said. He and Thriff bolted over to Merlon's house and got their Mini-Timulator squared away. "Now that I'm looking closer, this date rings a bell. Something important to Toad history, but I can't remember what."

"History never was our favorite subject," Thriff said. "Guess we'll find out soon enough."

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

"Zees eez a new kind of travel for me," Dupree said. " 'Ow exciteeng!"

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

"I've never surfed before, but I've always wanted to," Swindell said.

"Are we literally surfing, or is it a time travel metaphor?" Arfur wondered.

When they got their answer minutes later, Swindell whooped excitedly.

"I don't even have to worry about falling in! This is great!"

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

"Those robes look familiar. One of the Merlon clan, I presume?" Podley extended a hand.

"Ah, you know of us?"

"I've heard stories. Your fellow in Rogueport enjoys his sparkling sodas."

"I see. Well, tell Merlon that Merlon sent him a message through the stars."

"Like 'hello?' " Eve teased. Before Merlon could respond, she activated the Mini-Timulator. "Goodbye!"

* * *

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: 0/10 Mushrooms Collected**

The lavender team spawned somewhere in the Fabric of Time and shot off in a random direction.

"What a lovely sunrise!" Eve quickly drew her curly hair back into a high center ponytail.

"Indeed," Podley agreed. "Here I was expecting time travel to look more abstract, with a bunch of clocks and spirals."

On cue, a whirlpool opened up nearby.

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: 9/10 Mushrooms Collected  
DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: 8/10 Mushrooms Collected  
PLENN &amp; THRIFF: 6/10 Mushrooms Collected  
DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: 4/10 Mushrooms Collected**

Split-screen shots showed the other teams streaking along elsewhere. Dupree accidentally veered into a newborn whirlpool, resetting his team's count. He seemingly flickered in and out of existence before accelerating back to his previous velocity.

"D-Man, stop doing that!" Goom Goom said. "I don't wanna get stuck in limbo!"

"I am tryeeng! I do not 'ave your low center of gravity!"

As the gray team obtained their ninth Mushroom, the cerulean team nabbed their tenth.

"Now we're supposed to hit a whirlpool on purpose, right?" Swindell asked. "Into the void?"

"Supposedly," Arfur said. "Ready?"

"As I'll ever be."

They surfed into the nearest vortex and vanished.

* * *

Like a rewinding video reel, an overhead shot of Toad Town backtracked through history. Buildings were dismantled and rebuilt as the image faded to sepia. The camera zoomed in to a run-down roofless husk roughly near Merlon's house in the present.

**Toad Town of the Past**

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Friends**

"WAH!" "Unf!"

Suddenly decelerating to zero, the duo stumbled forward and crashed into the wall.

"So you are the first." A Merlon with a blond mustache peered down at them. "Welcome to the past."

"Merlon!" Arfur helped Swindell to his feet. "You, uh, reverse-aged well."

"…Come again?"

Exhilarated from their surfing stint, Swindell and Arfur collected their backpacks and headed outside. Unlike in the Fabric of Time, the sky was still dark. Swindell turned on his flashlight and scanned the nearby buildings.

"Whoa, what happened here?" Swindell asked. "I don't remember everything looking so beat up."

"Watch your step," Arfur said. "Pothole."

Finally, they spotted the telltale Mushroom icon marking the Item Shop's entrance. Arfur took an envelope from the clue box.

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

"Detour. Clothing or Sustenance."

(_~*TAR*~_)

Two elderly Toads welcomed the camera into their shop. Some of the merchandise displays had been replaced by workstations with sewing kits.

"In this time period, the Mushroom Kingdom's populace has just recovered from the Shroob invasion," Miles narrated. "Gramma Red and Gramma Green were Toad Town's lone survivors during said invasion, and they're currently leading the restoration efforts by providing locals the essentials. Teams will assist them on one of two fronts."

**DETOUR  
Clothing or Sustenance**

_*TAR*_

Gramma Red hand-stitched up a hole in a pair of Shroom Slacks.

"Nothing like some new threads to regain your humanity after being strapped to a tree and shroomified! **Clothing** has teams mending some of Gramma Red's pants inventory in preparation for town-wide distribution."

She carefully folded the slacks and dropped them into a suitcase.

"Once they've repaired two pairs of pants and gotten them approved, they'll need to flex their packing muscles by stuffing sixteen pairs and twelve badges into a suitcase to receive their next clue!"

_*TAR*_

Gramma Green waved as the camera backtracked out and sped to a forest with curly leaves and hollow tree stumps.

"Construction repairs mean lots of hungry workers. For **Sustenance**, teams will replenish Gramma Green's item stock by foraging in nearby Toadwood Forest."

Demonstration footage showed a Toad plucking a yellow Mushroom from a bunch of white ones with pink spots.

"They have quotas on various Mushrooms, Herbs, and Peppers that may require multiple trips to fulfill. Once teams have stocked all that veggie goodness on the shelves, they'll receive their next clue!"

(_~*TAR*~_)

"Clothing is right here, but I know nothing about sewing," Arfur said. "You?"

"Nada," Swindell said. "Sustenance it is."

They entered Gramma's Place. At the sound of their footsteps on the hardwood flooring, the ladies behind the counter jolted awake.

"Oh! Are you fine young men the help we were promised?" Gramma Red asked. "Why, Gramma Green, we can finally take a tea break!"

"Goodness gracious, Gramma Red, I believe you're right!" Gramma Green said. "All this work is tiring out these old bones. I can't remember the last time I even had time to take a nap!"

"So _tired_!"

"_So_ very tired!"

"We understand you unfortunately can't separate, so you can only help one of us."

"Who will it be, hmmmmmmm?"

Gramma Red and Gramma Green leaned onto the counter and blinked beseechingly up at the Rogueporters. Arfur self-consciously rubbed the back of his head.

"Sorry we can't do both. Sustenance, so—"

"Happy day! Restocking our fine supply of items!" Gramma Green pulled out a checklist and handed it to Swindell. "We certainly won't complain if you bring back more than what's listed! More is better!"

Swindell and Arfur dropped their backpacks at the door before leaving. They scanned the list as they jogged west toward the tree line.

For Gramma Green  
\- Mushroom x10, Super Mushroom x5, Ultra Mushroom x3, Max Mushroom x1  
\- Mushroom Drop x10, Super Drop x5, Ultra Drop x3  
\- Refreshing Herb x15  
\- Red Pepper x5, Green Pepper x5, Blue Pepper x5

"This is a _lot_ of stuff," Swindell said.

"At least it's more than collecting just Mushrooms."

"I guess. But without the surfing part, it won't be nearly as fun."

"_Most of the buildings were in really rough shape," Swindell said. "Whatever happened must've been bad. And then we realized, there were probably citizens asleep in those houses. Some didn't even have roofs."_

_ "It felt strange, because we'd seen a normal-looking Toad Town in the present," Arfur said. "But that didn't quash our desire to help out the past version. We can all relate to hardship."_

* * *

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 6****th**** Place**  
**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 7****th**** Place**

"But Linka, you do not want funny mustache-man to tell fortune about our love, SHA-WHAM?"

"Svob, stop stallink already! Turn it on!"

Brief clips showed both teams embarking on their journey through time. Swob promptly panicked upon finding his legs stuck to the surfboard.

**FLO &amp; MAUDE / GARF &amp; GUS / TALLY &amp; DEYN**

Back in the Post Office, the pink and forest green teams had their work rejected by the Postmaster.

"This calls for a new expletive," Garf said. "Does 'craw-craw, craw-craw' mean anything?"

"Stop trying to distract us," Flo giggled.

* * *

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

Unfazed by the saleswomens' shtick, the distant cousins declared Sustenance.

"Remember, more is better!" Gramma Green called out.

"Understood…" Drak said.

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

"Think about it, bro," Plenn said. "If everyone's destination was the exact same time, we would've had an all-out scramble just now."

"So you're suggesting that we all put different times into our machines?" Thriff stuffed said machine into his backpack again.

"Possibly. We can compare notes with someone later."

"Doesn't that mean how long we took to collect Mushrooms was…predestined or something?"

"Possibly."

"But… We selected mailbags at random!"

"I know! Crazy, right?" Plenn mapped imaginary diagrams in the air with his trusty pencil.

"My head hurts. It's too early in the morning to be questioning temporal logistics."

They arrived at Gramma's Place. Upon opening the Detour clue, their eyes lit up.

"Here's our place to shine," Plenn said. "It'll be like the early days, back when we weren't relying on middlemen."

"My foraging skills are up-to-date. Try and keep up."

Both Grammas were immediately smitten.

"We're shopkeepers from the future," Plenn said, accepting the Sustenance checklist. "You're in expert hands."

"Oh, _my_." Gramma Green fanned herself.

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: 0/67 Items Restocked**

Establishing footage showed Boo Guys patrolling Toadwood Forest's canopy, Koopeleons perching asleep on tree branches, and Elasto-Piranha pipes huddling together in grid-like herds. Underneath Swindell and Arfur's onscreen names appeared a visual breakdown of their eleven item categories that would update when their new inventory had been placed on the shelves.

"Geez. If we'd lived near a forest, we would've never gone hungry," Swindell said.

With the genetically engineered trees now inactive, the ecosystem had returned to normal and Mushrooms sprouted in abundance. Swindell and Arfur plucked as many as they could carry before heading back.

"We should write down the differences between all these Mushrooms so we'll know what we're missing later," Arfur said.

_"A while back, I hatched a harebrained scheme to open a shop and try to compete with the Toad Bros.," Arfur said. "In a way, us helping the Grammas flushed any of that from my system so I can focus on my food stall aspirations."_

* * *

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: 8/10 Mushrooms Collected  
EVE &amp; PODLEY: 7/10 Mushrooms Collected  
GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: 6/10 Mushrooms Collected**

Split-screen shots captured Goom Goom, Podley, and Grubba nabbing Mushrooms for their teams.

"Impressed yet?" Grubba weaved side-to-side in Goldy's wake. She swiveled to eye him.

"With what?"

"My water-cuttin' surfin' skills, of course! I betcha I can pull a 360-flip witho—"

"Don't, you dolt! We might have to start over if you drown!"

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: 2/10 Mushrooms Collected**

"I do not want to drown!" Swob shouted. "Wet fuse cannot explode, SHA-GACK!"

"You vill not be drownink!" Bobolink shouted. "Stop it, Svob! Calm down and focus!"

Swob zigzagged wildly, unable to control his steering without panicking about wiping out. Bobolink screamed instructions as she grabbed Mushrooms, but seemed unable to get through to him.

_"It was very confusing, SHA-CRASH! We were going nowhere fast, SHA-FOOM! Faraway mountains never got closer. Was fourth dimension broken, SHA-DOOP?"_

* * *

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: I can't believe we're about to go back in time!)" Flo said. "(_Sub_.: This is so crazy!)"

**GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 9****th**** Place**

"Any chance we can get our fortune told?" Garf asked Merlon. "Like, do we win? Or do we even survive this leg?"

"Today's outcome has been recorded among the stars for years. Hence, any insight I provided you would ultimately prove meaningless."

"Whatever. You're just holding out for those Shine Spirit-things," Gus said. "Forget it; we're on a budget."

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in Last Place**

"If there's a Fast Forward available soon, we should consider using it," Deyn said worriedly.

"Agreed."

The pink team departed the Post Office. Parakarry sighed as he added their pre-sorted mail to the shelves for further culling.

* * *

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

"Zee wisdom in zose lovely eyes connects weeth my very being!" Dupree proclaimed.

"Run along now, young man," Gramma Green tittered. "These shelves won't restock themselves!"

"Right…" Goom Goom glanced to where Drak and Crimson were organizing their second load.

The bachelors raced outside, with Dupree examining the checklist.

"Dude, don't you have standards?" Goom Goom asked. "Those grannies are all old and withered. And in our time, they're probably—"

"All zee more reason for our fleeting touch to bring zem utmost joy, _monsieur_!"

"…Uh…"

_"Zee past Toad Town looked 'orrible!" Dupree said. "Whatever zose poor, venerable dames 'ad lived through must 'ave added so many stress wrinkles to zeir sweet faces! Eet eez my duty to breeng my delightful wit to all beautiful butterflies in need of a smile!"_

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 5****th**** Place**  
**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

"We're doin' Sustenance to sustain this here momentum!" Grubba declared. "You do your roly-poly thing, pard, and we might just leapfrog back up the rankings!"

"Anything to keep you from getting your grubby hands on those needles," Goldy said.

"Let's avoid going into the woods," Eve said. "I've patched up my share of holes anyway."

"Alright," Podley said, "Clothing it is. If you'll show me what to do, I can get started on the second pair."

Delighted to have her first dedicated helpers, Gramma Red joined them on the store floor to explain.

"Each pair has three holes. You can stitch up two of them, but the third needs one of these star-shaped patches. Doesn't have to be perfect. Just enough to survive more wear and tear. Need any help getting started?"

"No thank you." Eve threaded her needle with practiced hands. Podley attempted to mimic her. "We'll be fine."

"Gracious, it's been too long since we've had new faces to talk to." Gramma Red sat down at their station, smiling warmly as she watched Eve prep Podley's needle. "And even longer since we've seen a sweet old couple like yourselves."

"Oh, we're not together." "We're not _that_ old."

They exchanged glances. Eve cleared her throat and picked up her Mushroom Jeans.

"Start by knotting the thread into the fabric."

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: 25/67 Items Gathered**

"The Mushrooms aren't running out anytime soon," Swindell said as they re-entered Toadwood Forest. "I think we should check out where the Peppers are."

"Fine with me. Lead the way."

They ventured further in, sweeping their flashlights across the undergrowth.

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: 14/67 Items Gathered**

"Looks like we're the only ones getting the willies," Plenn said.

"None of them feel that?" Thriff asked incredulously.

"Guess not. It's called Toadwood for a reason."

Thriff blanched. Both brothers looked visibly nervous and frequently paused to check behind their backs.

_"I've lived through some scary moments, but the tension in that place…" Thriff trailed off. "My flashlight would pass over a tree and I'd swear I'd see the outline of a Toad trapped in the bark. It was downright creepy."_

"If it's too uncomfortable, we can switch, fella," Plenn said. They both jumped at the sound of detritus crunching underfoot and whirled around, only to find Drak and Crimson rummaging nearby.

"The more we carry, the faster we can leave," Thriff decided. "It's safe, after all… Right?"

_ "I finally remembered why the date sounded so familiar," Plenn continued. "All I can say is…I'm glad we were only dealing with the aftermath."_

* * *

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: 8/10 Mushrooms Collected  
GARF &amp; GUS: 6/10 Mushrooms Collected  
TALLY &amp; DEYN: 4/10 Mushrooms Collected**

Split-screen shots showed the three teams surfing the Fabric of Time. Unlike some before them, both members were equal contributors to the task.

* * *

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 7****th**** Place**

"A clothink challenge!" Bobolink said happily. "Finally, somezink showcasink my many talents!"

"You are strapped to driver's seat, SHA-FOOM!" Swob said. "How can I help, SHA-CRACKITY?"

"By stayink out of vay. I can handle simple sewink myself."

The brown team entered Gramma's Place and occupied a workstation. Swob made his best puppy dog eyes.

"But Linka! There are pants for each of us, SHA-BRACK! Done twice as fast with twice the hands! Or non-hand-levitation, SHA-FOOM!"

"_Nyet_! Undoink poor stitchvork vill cost more time!"

"Okay…" Swob perked back up. "Then I will be best sewing cheerleader ever, SHA-KROOM!"

Gramma Red flitted over to make their acquaintance.

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: 1/6 Holes Mended**

At the next table, Eve was making quick progress on her second darning stitch. Despite working carefully, Podley kept pricking his finger.

"Clearly I don't have the right touch for this," he said, shaking out his hand. "By the time I finish one, you'll be done with that pair."

"That's alright," Eve said, not looking up as she crisscrossed her thread across the gap. "Just do what you can."

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: 38/67 Items Gathered  
DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: 35/67 Items Gathered  
PLENN &amp; THRIFF: 30/67 Items Gathered**

"Another Max Mushroom," Crimson said quietly. "Excellent."

"Ready to return to base…?" Drak stood with a pile of Refreshing Herbs and assorted Mushrooms in his arms.

"Of course."

_"Intentionally interfering with our opposition is not allowed," Crimson said, "but the Detour permitted us to do so indirectly. Food does not spontaneously regrow. Offering items, especially rare ones, in excess would increase the burden on those behind us. As they said, 'more is better.' " _

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: 12/67 Items Gathered**

"Quantity is king!" Grubba exclaimed.

The gold team had a similar idea. Grubba loaded Goldy up with Red, Green, and Blue Peppers before lifting his own pile. Uprooted plants laid barren on the soil.

"Don't come crying to me when someone calls us out on sabotage," Goldy said.

"It's dark!" Grubba said dismissively. "Other teams ain't gonna notice, they're too preoccupied pickin' and choosin' and wastin' time!"

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: 20/67 Items Gathered**

"Five Super Mushrooms and five Super Drops for zee super shrooms awaiteeng our delivery!" Dupree said. "Need me to take a couple, _monsieur_?"

"I got it," Goom Goom said. The stack of Mushrooms hovered in front of his face.

"_Très bon_! I never can tell weeth you."

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 8****th**** Place**  
**GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 9****th**** Place**

All four birds dodged the outbound cerulean team while reading the Detour clue. The Crows chose Clothing; the Craws, Sustenance.

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in Last Place**

The Poshley Heights women dusted themselves off as they got their bearings. Younger Merlon stood unobtrusively to the side. Tally kneeled to load the Mini-Timulator into her backpack, but paused upon noticing another.

"Someone forgot their time machine," she realized.

"Really? Perfect!" Deyn said. "Not a word about this. It could be our ticket to safety!"

Tally mimed zipping her mouth shut. They made their way to Gramma's Place and selected Clothing.

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: 2/6 Holes Mended  
SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: 2/6 Holes Mended  
FLO &amp; MAUDE: 0/6 Holes Mended**

"—that's why the kids never need bandages," Eve said, completing another line in her backstitch.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: And Twilight Town's creepiness factor just skyrocketed fifty percent.)" Flo said.

Although Eve was speeding through her first patch, Bobolink was quickly catching up. She'd closed two rips in record time and switched to the Star Trousers to repeat before focusing on the patches.

"Linka is sewing speed demon, SHA-SHOOM!" Swob exclaimed.

_"I design clothes for livink," Bobolink said. "Meetink project deadlines requires quick needle skills. Shame I could not create somezink new. Zose Toads vould be glamorous grandmas."_

The Crows and Toads worked at more sedate paces, Flo periodically using her beak to adjust the pant leg. Podley referenced Eve's completed stitches as he neared finishing his first.

_"Getting a glimpse into other peoples' lives is one of the most enjoyable parts of this experience," Podley said. "We kept catching snippets about the invasion that befell the Mushroom Kingdom, but never got the full story. I would've loved to hear the Grammas' account, but it unfortunately wasn't the time or the place."_

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: 65/67 Items Gathered  
GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: 38/67 Items Gathered**

The gold team reentered Gramma's Place like a Mushroomy whirlwind.

"Make sure you subtract right and check them off!" Goldy shook like a wet dog to dislodge her freight.

"Done deal!" Grubba pocketed their list and helped her stock everything in the appropriate area.

"We are lacking a Super Drop and a Red Pepper…" Drak confirmed after surveying their section of shelves.

"Curses. One last trip, then." Crimson glanced at the Clothing teams' progress as she and Drak rushed back outside, exchanging nods with Bobolink.

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: 52/67 Items Gathered  
DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: 30/67 Items Gathered  
GARF &amp; GUS: 0/67 Items Gathered**

"Why can't we find any Ultra or Max Mushrooms?" Goom Goom asked exasperatedly.

"Maybe you can ask one of zese shrooms for help?" Dupree joked.

"Huh? Hey… Talking to mushrooms is reserved to asking for dates. Or numbers. And I don't see any cute Goomba gals, so that's out of the question. Capeesh?"

Meanwhile, the three green teams continued searching Toadwood Forest.

"GAH!" Gus stumbled over an exposed tree root. Garf caught his arm and righted him.

"Everyone ahead of us sure did a number on this place," Garf said. "We've got a couple Refreshing Herbs, but that's it so far."

They finally happened upon an untouched patch of Mushrooms…and descended on it as the other brothers approached.

"Hands off!" Gus said. "We were here first!"

"No sell, fella," Plenn said brusquely, plucking and tossing some Mushrooms to Thriff. "Raw materials are free market."

"Keep your fancy shop mumbo-jumbo to yourself!"

"We'll just get what we need and be on our way," Thriff said anxiously.

"Well, _we_ need all of it." Garf was on his knees, racing Plenn to claim fungi.

"Tough," Plenn said. He glanced back to Thriff. "That enough of these?"

"Aye."

The Toads speed-walked away. The Craws finished picking and followed them at a distance with their first batch.

"Those guys ruffle my feathers," Gus muttered.

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: 61/67 Items Gathered**

Swindell arranged their last six Mushroom Drops on the shelf.

"Okay, we're done!"

Gramma Green came over and double-checked their counts. Satisfied, she handed Swindell a clue.

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

"Yes!" Swindell threw on his backpack. He and Arfur ducked outside before opening the Route Info. " 'Use the provided map to find your next mode of transportation.' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

Rapid shots trekked to the eastern edge of Toad Town, where ten UFOs with red domes waited.

"Enclosed directions will lead teams to these Shroob UFOs, salvaged and repurposed to use a non-vim fuel source. Wouldn't want to send the locals into renewed panic, so these are nearly invisible when seen from below."

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: Hollijolli Village**

More rapid shots continued further east, to a towering toadstool and a snowy mountain.

"Teams will navigate themselves to Hollijolli Village, another town currently recovering from the Shroob invasion. For safety reasons, they'll need to park at the base of the mountain. Their next clue is up at the village entrance."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"I've got a sinking feeling that's not just a roundabout way of saying 'cars,' " Arfur quipped.

The cerulean team navigated toward the town's outskirts as the sky showed the first crack of dawn. Just past the tree line, they hit the line of flying saucers. Swindell broke into uncertain laughter.

"Surfing through time, and now UFOs? This keeps getting better and better."

He took a remote lying near a UFO's base and opened its hatch. They skeptically peered inside.

"These are tiny," Arfur said. "Built for one. How are we supposed to fit?"

They carefully arranged their backpacks and squeezed into the cockpit. Dashboard-mounted cameras got an unflatteringly close-up view of their faces as they jostled for space.

"This is…comfy," Swindell muttered as he unfolded the map.

Arfur pushed what looked like a power button, setting the control panel alive with beeps and flashing lights.

_"Piloting a UFO is one of those cool things you daydream about," Swindell said. "Then it actually happens, and it's _really _different from your expectations."_

"WHOA!" Swindell stared out at the charred tree. "Okay, so that's laser number four."

_ "The instruction manual was in some weird alien language," Arfur said. "Figuring out how to actually drive the UFO was trial-and-error, and the controls weren't exactly intuitive."_

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

"Thank you for going beyond your duty," Gramma Green said earnestly. "We really appreciate it."

"…Not a problem…"

The gray team retreated to Toad Town's periphery and dodged Swindell and Arfur's UFO as it ricocheted off a tree like a pinball game.

"We are not under attack," Crimson realized, sheathing her throwing bone. "Someone is having difficulties with this…transport."

They climbed into a UFO and, after some moments, figured out how to turn it on.

"Hmph… We will not have such troubles…"

So saying, Drak promptly hit a button that sent their UFO spinning in place on its horizontal axis. When it subsided, the cousins were a single assorted pile of bones.

"Bluuurgh… The creators clearly engineered these heinous contraptions to be inoperable by enemy forces…"

"Forsooth. Now, kindly remove your tibia from my eye socket."

"Ow…!"

They reassembled their bodies. After some more experimentation, they went airborne and chased the Rogueporters into the sky.

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: 6/6 Holes Mended  
EVE &amp; PODLEY: 4/6 Holes Mended  
FLO &amp; MAUDE: 2/6 Holes Mended  
TALLY &amp; DEYN: 2/6 Holes Mended**

"I'd say we picked up needlework pretty quickly." Deyn had a steady rhythm going as she closed her Mushroom Jeans' second rip.

"By necessity, of course." Tally winced upon pricking her thumb again. "I only wish we were provided thimbles."

"Little finger armor?"

"Yes. This is rather dangerous."

"Check!" Bobolink requested as she finished attaching the cobalt-colored star patch to her Stardust Pants. Gramma Red hobbled over and tested her stitches.

"Goodness, you truly are a professional!" She retrieved a basket of laundered equipment from behind the counter and brought it to their table.

"Let me help now, Linka!" Swob said. "I am master packer, SHA-BLAM!"

"False," Bobolink said flatly, glancing over at their duffel bags. "I am refusink to let you crumple my work!"

She quickly and neatly folded all sixteen pairs of pants, stacked them in the provided suitcase, and tastefully arranged the badges in the natural valleys. Gramma Red clapped delightedly and handed them a clue.

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

"Hollijolli Village?" Swob repeated. "Sounds like place with snow, SHA-WHOOM!"

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

"My, my. All faced and stacked to perfection." Gramma Green appreciatively ran her finger down a column of aligned Mushroom spots as she counted. "You gentleman certainly delivered!"

"Our pleasure," Plenn said.

"Anything to keep you ladies from having to go into that scary forest," Thriff said. "It's…not like we need sleep."

"How sweet." Gramma Green extended an envelope. "Don't you worry your heads about us elders. Time fades all scars."

The brothers exchanged uncertain glances and didn't budge until Gramma Green shooed them on.

"May all who pass this door return often and loosen their wallets," Plenn muttered.

_"Rogueport isn't exactly the best place for business," Plenn said, "but it's something. I'll count my blessings that we didn't have to live through anything as scary as those poor fellas in Toad Town."_

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

The exes cooperated in packing their suitcase and received their clue from Gramma Red. They navigated to Toad Town's outskirts and squeezed into a UFO.

"The past certainly redefines the compact model," Eve said nervously. She was practically sitting in Podley's lap.

"Apologies in advance, Vigil," Podley muttered.

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

"MEOOORK! You monsters and your _schadenfreude_!"

"What're you complainin' fer? I'm the one havin' to squeeze inta this tiny li'l thingamajig!"

"_I'm_ the one you're squishing!"

* * *

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Shop Owner Brothers**

"Sailing the skies is kinda like sailing the sea," Thriff said. "Without roads, you have to navigate by referencing landmarks."

"Or you can follow the fellas out in front."

Thriff squinted into the distance. "Oh. Guess that works too."

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Dating On/Off**

With the armless Bob-ombs not touching the control panel, it appeared like the UFO was flying itself. In reality, Swob was controlling it while Bobolink changed outfits.

"You are natural at zis flyink zink."

"Identified flying object easy for your alien boyfriend, SHA-BOOM! …Do I get bonus points for being punny, SHA-PHOOM!"

"…I not understand joke."

* * *

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 7****th**** Place**

The Crows danced about on the UFO's control panel, experimentally poking buttons.

"We practiced driving automatic and manual, but we couldn't have prepared for this," Maude said.

"Bwah! Why is everything a laser of mass destruction?! Flying shouldn't be this hard!"

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

"_Au revoir_, my bewitcheeng beauties!"

"Off you go, you little rascal," Gramma Green giggled.

The bachelors exited Gramma's Place, Dupree smiling as he opened the map.

"Did you 'ear zat, _monsieur_? Zey loved me!"

"What, cause they didn't throw you out? Let's not jump to conclusions, man."

**GARF &amp; GUS: 32/67 Items Gathered  
TALLY &amp; DEYN: 4/6 Holes Mended**

"They're almost done," Garf reported as they jogged back to Toadwood Forest. "We gotta hurry."

"Guess we're going even deeper," Gus muttered.

* * *

Establishing shots captured the sunrise washing over snow-covered Hollijolli Village and its Santa suit-wearing Toads.

**Hollijolli Village**

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Distant Cousins**

"Visual confirmation attained…" Drak said. "Marked destination approaching…"

The gray team parked in a grassy field at the base of a giant mushroom stipe. Flat caps connected by wooden bridges formed an ascending spiral around it; another bridge joined the pileus and the path into the village proper.

"We must not squander this lead," Crimson said.

They disembarked from their UFO and began the long trek up to the village.

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Shop Owner Brothers  
SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Dating On/Off**

Swob parked without issue, allowing himself and Bobolink a head start on the hike.

"Hurry, Linka! Snow is calling, SHA-KOW!"

"High on mushroom mountain?" Bobolink groaned, already regretting her decision to change into her stylish winter boots. "Great."

Plenn and Thriff set a steady pace and quickly overtook the couple.

"Hope this place is in better shape than Toad Town," Plenn muttered.

They passed the cousins at the cap preceding the final bridge. Both glanced across to the village before turning their attention to the clue box.

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 1****st**** Place  
DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

"Roadblock! 'Who's feeling festive?' " Thriff read.

(_~*TAR*~_)

Miles tossed a snowball off-screen.

"For Hollijolli Village, 'tis always the season to be jolly! Its residents are reclaiming normalcy in the wake of the Shroob invasion, and that's where we come in!"

**ROADBLOCK  
Deck the Trees**

Demonstration shots showed one Toad mouthing instructions to another as the latter hung glass ornaments on a pine tree.

"Using a villager's verbal descriptions and examples for reference, one team member must decorate a traditional tree, a year-round fixture in all Hollijolli households."

Chuckling jovially, a bearded Toad offered an ordinary-looking envelope.

"Once the villager is satisfied, teams will be _presented_ their next clue!"

(_~*TAR*~_)

Plenn volunteered; Crimson verbally coerced Drak. Both men pulled cards labeled with address stickers from their Roadblock clues and ventured into the streets.

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

"Do not mess zis up, Svob!" Bobolink ordered, wrapping her mulberry scarf tighter. "Ve are in front group!"

"I am home away from home, SHA-BOOM!" Swob exclaimed, leaping headfirst into a snowbank. He emerged from the other side, giggling like a giddy schoolboy.

"Svob, _go_! Ve have chance to vin!"

"I just noticed…it's kinda chilly up here," Thriff said, rubbing his exposed arms. "You two not feel that?"

"Chilled to the bone," Crimson said dryly.

**DRAK**

Drak was the first to locate his assigned house. He ignored the wreath-shaped knocker and barged in.

"O-Oh! Hello! Here to help with our tree?" The Toad closed the front door. "Please, come in! Care for a cup of tea to warm you up?" Drak glowered. "E-Er, right this way!"

The living room contained the Hollijolli essentials: a roaring fireplace, stacks of beautifully wrapped gifts, and a pair of towering evergreens. Drak eyed the décor with disdain.

"There's this gorgeous fir we were looking at on the corner of Yuletide and Icehaven. Silver tinsel and a gold Star, real beaut, can't miss it. Go take a look and then come back. We want to copy that design."

"…Are those your orders…?" Drak inquired.

"For now. You've no idea how excited we are to finally get our second tree decorated!"

_"An errand based on subjective fancy… Bah…" Drak said. "Beautifying one's living quarters… Forethought wasted on such trivial matters…"_

Split-screen shots captured Plenn and Swob meeting their families with markedly more enthusiasm.

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

"Festive? What's the occasion?" Swindell grinned. "Hope I don't have to go sneaking down people's chimneys."

* * *

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 9****th**** Place**

"Ooooh, my stomach… Please don't make us go all whirling dervish again."

"My apologies, Deyn. I am simply devoting my all to figuring out this control scheme. We haven't time to waste."

"I know Tal, but seriously. I might vomit all over us."

"…That would cause a graphic chain reaction."

"Take it easy on the button mashing, will you?"

_"Of course Tal gets to experiment with a UFO," Deyn said. "This keeps getting better. Dealing with flying in a spinning deathtrap, her crazy driving, and the pressure of being in the rear, it's a miracle I didn't lose my breakfast."_

**GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in Last Place**

"Thank you ever so much for your help this morning," Gramma Green said, clasping Garf's hands. "This will surely keep us stocked a few days."

"Give all your friends our thanks, dearies," Gramma Red added. "Some of them left in an awful hurry."

"We'll pass on the message…if we survive this leg," Garf said. "So, uh, could you release my arms? We _really_ gotta go."

_"Picking from everyone's scraps did us no favors at the Detour," Garf said._

_ "Duh. We should've aggressively hoarded Mushrooms when we had the chance," Gus said. "Then we wouldn't've been stuck in last getting the guilt trip from those old magpies."_

* * *

Split-screen shots showed several teams parking their UFOs and trekking up the mushroom to Hollijolli Village.

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

"You're more festive than a nonstop party," Goom Goom said. "Do you w—"

" 'andle zis, _monsieur_," Dupree said, spotting Bobolink and Crimson in the waiting area. "I shall go discuss zee _stratégie_ with our alluring allies!"

"We literally did that a couple hours ago, D-Man! Hey! …Ugh." Goom Goom opened the folder and wilted. "Aaand it's something you'd be better at. Great."

_"Dupree, you gotta drop this travelliance business. We're getting nothing out of it, and they're both just using us!"_

_ "Honh?! 'Ow can you say zat about our sweet madeleines? Zey are zee perfect partners to explore zee world with!"_

_ "News flash: Bobbie's racing with her boyfriend. And who's your _actual_ partner? Bros before does, man! They're messing with your decision-making and blowing up our game! I was like, the least suitable guy for that Roadblock!"_

"Hoho! You're practically a Hollijolli native with that hat, sonny! Why not go all the way? Try this one!"

Goom Goom sweatdropped as he swapped his green beanie for a red stocking cap.

**SWOB**

"Your house is warm and toasty! Perfect shelter after playing in snow, SHA-BLAM!"

"Aww, thanks!"

"I want to live here! Pretty mushroom instead of boring bunker, SHA-SHOOM! I can explode with happiness, SHA-BOOM!"

"Uh…thanks?"

_"We only bring trees into homes as firewood, SHA-PHOOM! Decorating tree indoors felt super-special fun! All those colors and sparkly things lit up room, SHA-POP! I want to start doing same at home, SHA-SHPOW!"_

Swob hummed and sang as he paraded around, stringing red-and-green garlands on his tree-in-progress. Two Toad children danced along behind him, giggling.

**SWINDELL**

"This tree's pretty loaded, but I think I get the gist of the style."

Meanwhile, Swindell finished taking mental notes. He carefully navigated the snowy streets back to his assigned house.

"Alright, I'm ready. Where are all the ornaments?"

"In there." The Toad indicated a hoard of presents under the unfurnished tree.

"Really?" Swindell's face lit up. "_I_ get to open those? Oh man, this is great!" He reverently undid the wrapping paper to one and uncovered a box of glass baubles and wire hooks. Swindell laughed merrily before tearing into the next.

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

"I'm more festive than a billionaire's b-day party!" Grubba exclaimed.

"It's your turn anyway," Goldy muttered.

**GOOM GOOM**

"Shoot, I don't remember which tinsel I'm supposed to use." Goom Goom scanned through his piles of unwrapped decorations. "I gotta go take a second look."

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 7****th**** Place  
FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

"Dreary little old me, the festive one?" Eve said. "Well, alright."

Eve and Flo volunteered for the Roadblock.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: A tree's involved? Hopefully it's like sprucing up the nest!)" Flo said.

**GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 9****th**** Place**

" 'Who's feeling festive?' " Garf read. He looked to Gus.

"I'm not the one you wanna find caroling on your doorstep," Gus drawled.

"Like I'm any better. Eh. Whatever it is, maybe I'll get outta this cold."

"Hold on—"

"Nope! This one's mine," Garf declared, opening the folder.

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in Last Place**

Tally slammed into another UFO as she brought theirs to a stop. Neither was damaged, but Deyn looked shaken as she unsteadily climbed out of the vehicle.

"This may sound absurd, but it felt like the saucer desired my life force," Tally commented.

"Really? I was too busy feeling sick to feel anything else."

They ascended to the Hollijolli Village entrance, where Tally took Roadblock duty. Deyn went and huddled with the other inadequately dressed non-participants.

"The gang's all here!" Deyn said, sidling up next to the other women sharing Bobolink's scarf. "Long climb, huh?"

"Do not remind me," Bobolink muttered.

"Apparently it's a long challenge," Thriff said offhandedly. "They've been at it awhile."

"All the more reason for us to _please_ go somewhere warm," Gus said, glaring off-camera.

"Hear, hear," Maude chirped.

**TALLY**

"I've a practiced hand at holiday decorating. The Royal Poshley Park Tower takes its centerpiece designs seriously, as do I."

Tally located her model and spent a few moments studying before heading back to her assigned home. She carefully unwrapped her presents, gently refolding the paper for later use.

"This tree's scale seems like a multi-person endeavor. I may have a chance to gain ground by my own merit."

A split-screen montage interlaced imagery of the morning passing, locals going about their business, and the Roadblock participants working. Highlights included Swob getting tangled in lights, Garf tying a red bow tree topper on his arm, and Flo placing shiny ornaments with her beak. Due to the number of details, most racers ventured back out to check their models at least once.

**SWINDELL**

"Sorry. It doesn't match what we asked for."

"Huh." Swindell eyed his tree critically before dashing outside. "I better be just missing something. If I have to take off all the balls, I'm screwed."

**EVE**

"Did you help your mommy and daddy decorate that other tree?" Eve asked. The Toad girl sitting nearby nodded shyly. "It's beautiful."

_"I reflect on my motivations daily," Eve said. "True, I seek closure with Podley. But…I also want financial stability. Winning the money would ease the breadwinner burden on Vigil and set a healthy foundational future for my dear sons."_

"Oh, thank you! You really shouldn't have." Eve graciously accepted a mug of apple cider and periodically sipped from it in her moments of downtime.

_"You can tell when there's love in a home. Even across time, families are families. Being welcomed into theirs and partaking in something special to them—it reminded me of who I'm racing for and pushed me forward."_

"Compared to this, my home looks so barren and drab," Eve mused as she arranged burgundy magnolias and golden leaves among the branches. "Maybe we can set aside some funds for redecorating."

**DRAK**

After adjusting the tree skirt and checking his work, Drak motioned wordlessly for the homeowner.

_"I possess a near-photographic memory… My efficiency would only be more absolute had I been permitted to create minions to assist me…"_

"I don't know, I feel like something's missing," the Toad said. "Don't you?"

"No… This is an exact replica of the tree you ordered me to copy…"

"Exactly! There's still some empty space! How about a personal touch of…er…"

The Toad backed away slowly as Drak gnashed his teeth.

_"I quickly realized the nonsensical addendum was built into the task… That made it no less irritating…"_

**SWOB**

"What? You do not like, SHA-WHAM?"

"Nonono, it looks _amazing_! On point!" the Toad insisted. "But now you get some artistic license!"

"You are speaking my language, SHA-BOOM!" Swob exclaimed, eyes shimmering. "Prettiest tree in town will be growing in your den, SHA-PLOWIE!"

Swob moved to grab several garlands that accompanied his work-in-progress' current color scheme.

**GRUBBA**

"Hoo-wee! This purty pine's shapin' up to be flashier than my pyrite pardner!" Grubba hooted as he hooked candy canes on the boughs.

_"Spendin' my sweet ol' time with some yokels who don't know a lick 'bout my reputation was oddly refreshin'. I coulda dressed that overgrown oak top to bottom in no time flat, but I gotta manage my image. I know my dojo throwdown caused quite the hullabaloo. Fat lotta good bein' seen as a top competitor does me if these amateurs team up to take me out. No-sir-ee, now's still my undercover underdog phase. Though I'll have you know, it's real tough reinin' in this much talent."_

"See this here twinklin' lil' five-point?" Grubba paraded the golden star around like a championship belt before placing it atop the tree. "I'm travelin' with the perfect spangle-dangle replacement!"

**FLO**

"Can I just move in with you people?" Flo joked as she flitted around, weaving a chain of lighted garlands into the branches. "Even if it's impractical, this is one good-looking tree! So many sparklies…"

"Impractical?" the Toad woman repeated, aghast. "It's the only place we can store all our decorations! You can put presents under it! I use the light to read! This tree's the most practical object in our house!"

"Okay, okay! My mistake!" Flo said hurriedly. "_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Yeesh.)"

**PLENN**

Plenn tackled the Roadblock's additional hurdle without complaint, adding Mushroom-patterned balls and spotted ribbons to the original design's built-in openings. When he finished, the Toad couple was beaming.

"We _love_ your design choice," the Toad woman praised. "Very patriotic!"

"After everything I've seen today, I'm all about Toad power," Plenn said. "Er, more so than normal."

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

The couple handed Plenn a letter with a return address label bearing the Hollijolli Mayor's house number. Plenn read the enclosed warning aloud.

" 'To whom it may concern: The last two teams to arrive may be eliminated.' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

The camera panned inside one of the unvisited houses. A pink-shelled Koopa wearing a green beret and pink bows bounded in dynamically. Miles matched her.

**ROUTE INFO  
Go to Pit Stop: Hollijolli Mayor's House**

"The _Koopa Kronicle_'s ace reporter, Kylie Koopa, is on the scene at the mayor's crib for this leg's exciting conclusion!" she exclaimed, flashing a thumbs up. "Two teams could bite the dust, and I'll bring you the nitty-gritty of their reactions in an exclusive tell-all interview!"

Miles broke his pose. "Sorry, but this is one scoop you can't serve. It'd be too spoilerific for the future. Our present."

"…Aw, cinnamon sticks!"

(_~*TAR*~_)

"That's it? Where are we supposed to arrive?" Plenn asked confusedly, searching the paper for several moments until he noticed the address sticker. "I see!"

As he departed, Plenn paused and murmured something inaudible outside the house's front door. Then, he returned to the village entrance, where he found the ten non-participants covered in various amounts of snow.

"Hey, swell job!" Thriff exclaimed, high-fiving his brother. "First one done!"

"Uh. What happened here?"

"Got into a snowball fight with the locals, got creamed. One of our own even turned traitor."

"Most barbarous betrayal!" Bobolink added, glaring daggers at the accused.

"They promised shelter!" Gus retorted indignantly. "How was I supposed to know it was a freakin' igloo?!"

"Your clothes look soaked," Plenn said. "Aren't you cold?"

"Very." Thriff rubbed his arms. "Where are we going?"

Plenn showed him the address. They raced off in search of the mayor's house.

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

"You've all been so wonderfully hospitable, welcoming me into your home," Eve said gratefully. "So long, goodbye, friends!"

She collected her partner. They spent several moments contemplating the pit stop clue within sight of the others before noticing the sticker.

"Must've been a stellar performance," Podley said. "Whatever you did made up mad time."

* * *

Fireplace embers warmed the pit stop crew's backs. Lively Kylie Koopa lifted her camera to her face the moment the door creaked open and racers barreled through.

"What's happening, travelers?" Kylie winked. "Welcome to the town with the Gritziest hot cocoa this side of Star Hill!"

"Plenn and Thriff?" Miles grinned. "You're the first team to arrive!"

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: 1****st**** Place…?**

"YES!" They high-fived and bro-hugged.

"And for winning today, you've earned 7,500 coins! Each!"

"A definite net gain for the year!" Plenn exclaimed.

"That was all you, brother!" Thriff smacked his back happily.

_"Coming in, we had confidence in our own capital," Plenn said. "I'd say our results boost our stock."_

"_Consistent placings in safe spots, topped off by a win? I agree! In fact, I'd wager we're real contenders for the victory."_

"However…"

The brothers froze, confused.

"Can't rest easy yet—this leg of the _Race_ is not over!" Miles announced, supplying them another clue.

"The shock! The mixed feelings!" Kylie continued snapping photos, euphoric. "This is perfect!"

"Well, let's see what's in store…" Plenn opened the envelope.

Eve and Podley arrived next and received the news.

"Well, ready for round two?" Podley asked.

"Certainly! I feel rejuvenated," Eve said. "Let's do our best."

* * *

Arfur spotted them first. "Headed back down? Forget something?"

"Double leg," Thriff said as he and Plenn ran past.

"Ugh, seriously?" Goldy groaned.

"Whoa. Think there'll still be an elimination?" Deyn asked the group nervously.

"I 'ope not!" Dupree cried dramatically. "I could not bear to see you delicate dandelions depart!"

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

Swob's snow-inspired supplement earned him kudos and a clue. He tossed the plain envelope, read the enclosed message, and returned to Bobolink utterly confused.

"Linka, pit stop is next! But I do not know where it is, SHA-DOOM!"

"…Vhat? Vhere is envelope?"

"No yellow and black envelope, SHA-KRACK!"

"_Nyet_. Envelope card came in!"

"Huh? Why is that important, SHA-POW?"

"Ve vatched others figure out pit stop vith zat! SVOB!"

"Oh. Er. I… I can search trash! Amazing scavenger hunt, SHA-CRACKITY!"

"_Nyet_! Disgustink! You vill not! I vill not allow!"

"Every second matters like first, SHA-WHAM!"

"EEEEEUGH! SVOOOB!"

_"He alvays complicates zings like zis!" Bobolink griped in an individual interview. "All zese stupid little mistakes makink our lives harder! Lackink focus, beink flighty! Just, GRAH!"_

"And you are forgettink rules too—!"

"—did not crumple envelope, SHA-CRASH—!"

"–_durák_! (_Sub_.: idiot)—!"

"—not big deal, SHA-BOOMITY—!"

"—vill get penalty over zis—!"

"—can go back, SHA-DOOM—!"

"—errors vill eliminate us—"

"—wasting time arguing, SHA-PHOOM—!"

Everyone uncomfortably observed the blowup. Passersby seemed alarmed by all the commotion.

"Now, let's settle down and breathe a moment!" Maude went unheard as the couple began moving.

"I not understand vhy you decide to be suddenly cleanink up after yourself!" Bobolink yelled exasperatedly. "You not clean house but you throw avay clue? Vhy so inconsistent?!"

_"Linka is so unforgiving," Swob muttered in an individual interview. "Everything always my fault. She harps on mistakes nonstop and hurls insults harder than packed snowballs. I try being perfect gentlebomb for her but it is not enough. Really hard some days…"_

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

"Maude, can you believe how beautiful all these trees are?" Flo gushed. "I've got inspiration for remodeling our nest!"

"You'd have the brightest home in all of Twilight Town," Maude quipped.

**GARF**

"I don't really understand this," Garf mused as he threaded a cranberry-popcorn garland through the branches. "Smells and looks nice, I guess. Waste of food, though. This time period is so backwards."

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

"Four people passed you," Crimson reported neutrally. Drak cursed angrily.

"The overabundance of positive energy interfered with my concentration…"

"Blaming external factors is very unlike you."

"Now is not the time…"

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

"Really nice place you guys got here," Swindell said, shaking hands with his host. "Just thought you should know."

He ran back to the waiting area and retrieved Arfur.

**GOOM GOOM**

"Gah, what am I getting wrong?" Goom Goom asked himself.

He hurried outside and checked on his model again, sidetracking to check the dwindling pool of waiting partners on his way back.

"No, no, I'm not done!" Goom Goom shouted.

"You can do it, _monsieur_!" Dupree called out cheerily.

"Easy for you to say!"

"I like your 'at!"

_"Our lead's disappearing, and I'm freaking out that this one bad decision will end our _Race_," Goom Goom said. "I was like, if we survive, we _need _to fix this problem."_

"This sucks." Goom Goom began removing his lights.

* * *

"Flo and Maude—" "Swob and Bobolink—" "Drak and Crimson—"

Snapshots showed Miles welcoming the teams before sending them off.

"Swindell and Arfur? You're the sixth team to arrive!"

Both nodded, grinning expectantly.

"As you've guessed, this leg isn't over! However! The Post Office cipher instructed you to keep your Mini-Timulator with you."

"What? We don't have it?" Swindell looked to Arfur.

"I thought…" Arfur's eyebrows furrowed. "Shoot! We only got our backpacks at Merlon's house."

"Arfur…"

"Until you have it in your possession, I can't allow you to continue racing," Miles concluded.

"_My insides turned to ice," Arfur said. "Carrying the time machine was my responsibility. I don't even remember seeing it when we landed in the past."_

_ "We were both too amped up after surfing," Swindell said. "We both missed it."_

_ "Yeah. We read that clue thoroughly to set the date, but forgot that important detail in the heat of the moment."_

"This turn of events is outta left field!" Kylie exclaimed. "Picture the headlines! 'Sapphire Team Stranded in Time!' 'Doodad Dooms Duo!' "

"Um, we're still standing right here," Swindell said testily.

"And we're not done yet," Arfur said. "Come on!"

They exited the mayor's house, still reeling from this development, and ran toward the outbound bridge.

"Play it cool," Arfur advised as they approached the others. "For all they know, we're moving on."

* * *

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 7****th**** Place**

"Your unequivocal hospitality is most appreciated," Tally said, bowing to her host family. "As is your refined taste in ornamentation."

Tally spent a minute puzzling over the clue before noticing the address sticker. She sighed to herself and hurried back to the waiting area.

"Yes, Tal, yes!" Deyn turned to Dupree. "Sorry buddy, but we're not leaving today!"

The Poshley Heights women broke away to search the village.

"Was needling our competition quite necessary?" Tally asked.

"Absolutely! He implied that because you started last, you'd finish last. But I have faith in your abilities! Had to set the record straight, y'know?"

"Defending my honor, then. I approve."

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

"You took forever!" Goldy complained. "What happened?"

"Lemme tell ya, tusslin' with that towerin' tree was a holiday nightmare! Had to go nice an' easy hookin' those purty glass balls passed down through the generations! Wouldn't wanna smash their family mementos with my powerful hands and make their lil' girl cry like—"

"MEORK! Forget I asked! We gotta keep moving! Some sadist decided to extend this leg!"

**GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 9****th**** Place**

"See? Food really does grow on trees," Garf deadpanned, gesturing to the candy canes he'd added.

The Toad boy gasped with openmouthed delight. His parents frowned disapprovingly. Garf escaped and ran back to the village entrance. Gus clapped and ran to meet him.

"Still at the bottom," Garf said. "Sorry bro. I tried."

"We should be safe," Gus said. "That's all that matters."

Snow-covered Dupree watched them leave and then return a few minutes later. He craned his neck toward the street where Goom Goom had gone, rocking on his heels nervously.

"Ah… I 'ope zis is not zee end of zee line."

* * *

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Friends**

"This is rough," Arfur muttered. "Think the Roadblock will keep everyone occupied long enough?"

"Gosh, I really hope so," Swindell said. "If someone keeps having to undo and redo their work, maybe."

They eventually reached Toad Town and parked their UFO on the outskirts. Midmorning foot traffic hampered their pace as they navigated to Merlon's house.

"I foresaw your return," Merlon said, motioning around his crystal ball.

"Really helpful info." Swindell rolled his eyes. "Should've told us when we first got here."

They raced back to their UFO and set course for Hollijolli Village.

_"I guess the one upside to returning was seeing Toad Town's citizens recovering fine from whatever'd happened," Swindell said. "Seemed that way, at least. It was honestly all a blur."_

"I'm surprised no one mentioned this thing during the Detour or while you were waiting for the Roadblock," Swindell commented.

"We've got a sharp crew," Arfur said. "They smelled the blood in the water and kept quiet."

* * *

**GOOM GOOM**

Hopping down the stack of presents he'd used as a stepping stool to access the tree's upper half, Goom Goom called for his judge.

"Please say it looks okay," he pleaded. "I told you I have zero experience personalizing my pad."

The Toad turned back to him with a smile and proffered the clue.

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in Last Place**

"Finally!" Goom Goom cried.

He spent several moments examining the pit stop warning before giving up and returning to the waiting area, balled-up envelope and normal hat in tow.

"Happy now Dupree? We're in last, I've got a knot on my head, and I have no clue where we're going!"

"Do you 'ave zee envelope? Zat 'as zee address!" As Goom Goom unfolded it, Dupree continued, "And zis leg is long, eet keeps going and going! We might 'ave a chance!"

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Friends**

"This needs to be the fastest uphill sprint of our lives," Swindell said. "Ready?"

"I'll be right behind you," Arfur replied.

Arfur brought the UFO to a messy stop on the field, and the duo booked it up the mushroom.

* * *

Frenetic alternating shots between both teams ended with two men bursting through the door to the Hollijolli Village Mayor's house and leaping onto the pit stop mat.

"And it's a headline-grabbing photo finish!" Kylie exclaimed, snapping a picture.

"Ah, _bonjour_, mademoiselle! Your beauty is worth zee thousand photos, no?"

"Are you kidding me?!" Goom Goom shouted.

"Honh? What is zee matt—"

"You're flirting right now when you passing me that Roadblock to go flirt made us come in last! We didn't even discuss it! You just moseyed on over to the ancient bag of bones and the abusive Bob-omb who's already taken, and look what happened! I hope it was worth it, because this is how we're going out!" Breathing heavily, Goom Goom looked expectantly at Miles. "Right? Just get this over with!"

Glancing at the stunned Dupree, Miles cleared his throat.

"Yeah, about that. Technically you're the last team to arrive. But one team before you had to return to the course to fix a mistake. You've beaten them back, so you're still in…and still racing!"

"Oh, 'appy day!" Dupree exclaimed, jumping for joy. " 'ear that, _monsieur_?"

"I don't know if I want to keep going," Goom Goom said, rapidly shaking his head.

"_Quoi_?! (_Sub_.: What?!)"

"We're clearly here for different reasons. Half the time you're paying more attention to the chicks than your own teammate! I didn't think you'd be this bad! I don't want to bother trying if I'm the only one who cares about winning!"

"…Please, do not be 'asty and let zee anger cloud your judgment." Dupree took the clue and looked tentatively at his partner. "We can talk zis out, _oui_? Please?"

Goom Goom made no acknowledgment. Dupree awkwardly read the Route Info aloud. They departed silently.

"That was some Grade-A drama!" Kylie whistled. "Those firecrackers burned hotter than the fireplace warming my shell!"

An indiscriminate amount of time later, the cerulean team returned toting their Mini-Timulator. They hit the mat, looking grim.

"Swindell and Arfur?" Miles paused. "Now that you've followed all your clues, you're officially the last team to arrive."

**SWINDELL &amp; ARFUR: Last Place**

"We figured, with all the UFOs being gone," Arfur said, nodding.

"As you've probably guessed, this leg isn't over," Miles said. "But unfortunately, this is a predetermined elimination checkpoint. I'm sorry to tell you that you've been eliminated from the _Race_."

Their faces crashed from hope to defeat. Swindell buried his mask in his sleeves and cursed quietly.

"Sorry," Arfur said.

"No, man. Win as a team, lose as a team."

_"Going out this way is really tough," Arfur said. "If we'd paused and taken five seconds to double-check ourselves, we could still be racing right now. It's like life in a way. Sometimes it's that one moment that makes all the difference."_

_ "That one moment of forgetfulness," Swindell agreed. "It'll be hard not to dwell on the what-ifs and what-could-have-beens. I really think we had what it took to go all the way."_

"Swindell's the greatest friend and ally I could've asked for, both in this _Race_ and in life," Arfur said.

"Yeah? Well, you can't find a more reliable, honorable guy to have in your corner," Swindell said proudly. "Arfur's always had my back, and I've had his. That will never change."

"Our friendship was forged in adversity. This has only strengthened our bond."

"We're like brothers now." Swindell gestured between himself and Arfur. "You can tell, right?"

_"Being broke in Rogueport limited my perspective on life, but I'm coming away from this with worldly experience and hope," Arfur said. "People everywhere are doing amazing things, and it's helped me realize that we have an unique opportunity to do something profound."_

_"Be the change we want to see in the world," Swindell said._

_ "Exactly."_

_ "Rogueport won't know what hit it. We'll be kicking butt as a revolutionary team every step of the way." _

Swindell and Arfur said their goodbyes before departing, arms slung over each other's shoulders.

* * *

_"Next time, on _The Amazing Race_," Blaise narrated. "As the superleg continues, fatigue sets in."_

Arms on an analog clock spun wildly. Montage shots showed a desolate desert, an underwater cave, and a sheer cliff face.

"I cannot do this," Crimson said bitterly.

"This is impossible!" Goom Goom groaned.

_"On top of unrelenting challenges, teams must contend with a...colorful cast of locals."_

Brief cuts played of certain clue bearers being abnormally aggravating.

"Can I have your autograph?" "Are we having fun yet?" "_Nein_! Like zis!" "DODOOOOOOOO!"

_"It's the perfect pressure cooker for the biggest emotional breakdown yet."_

Setting the scene, aerial shots captured a town covered in wedding decorations. A dramatic zoom in centered on Bridezilla Bobolink, makeup running alongside tears as she bawled.

"Vhy am I stuck in happily never after?!"

_"All this and more on Episode 6: Forever Hold Your Peace. Be there. ...We'll have cake."_

* * *

**End of EPISODE 5**

* * *

Easter Eggs  
\- Flo/Maude originally broke their One-Way Mirror strategy by Intersecting with Tally/Deyn at the end of the original Episode 2, Part 1.  
\- The Trampoline's cost matches the price before factoring Stache in _Mario &amp; Luigi: Partners in Time_.  
\- The mail sacks appear in the same area as the original Mailbag in _Paper Mario_.

_**Author's Notes**_ (5/25/16): So the superleg's elimination checkpoint claims a potential alpha male team that was gaining momentum. Certain confessionals in previous episodes foreshadowed this outcome, though I would've liked to make it more pronounced. Swindell/Arfur had harsher arcs and earlier exits in previous drafts, but this was tempered to match their story here: nice guys finding their legs in the world. They were intended as foils to fellow rogues Garf/Gus, especially with Arfur's philosophical approaches to both the _Race_ and life. But with everyone else having more story going forward, they're cut here. Sometimes one mistake is all it takes.


	7. Ep 6: Forever Hold Your Peace

_**The Amazing Race 4: Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door Edition  
**_**EPISODE 6: "Forever Hold Your Peace"  
**_**Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars**_

* * *

_"Previously, on _The Amazing Race_!" Miles narrated. "Ten teams surfed backwards in time from present-day Toad Town to post-Shroob invasion Hollijolli Village! The Intersection smashed Flo and Maude's One-Way Mirror!"_

"Ta-da!" Flo chirped. "It speaks! …Um. Surprise?"

_"Grubba popped back onto everyone's radar by defeating The Master!"_

"Didn't even hafta bust out my finishin' move playbook!" Grubba boasted, dancing a jig in place.

"Who would've thought that grandpa's such a physical threat?" Garf asked his fellow Toy Train passengers.

_"Plenn and Thriff's consistently strong performance culminated in their first top-spot finish."_

"All faced and stacked to perfection," Gramma Green praised. Thriff rubbed the back of his head.

"Arranging merchandise for aesthetics is a transferable skill," Plenn said as he added his ornaments to the Christmas tree.

"YES!" The brothers celebrated their win.

_"While Dupree's flirtations drove Goom Goom to his breaking point."_

"I'm so angry I can't even see straight!" Goom Goom hopped down his present staircase. "He should've done this!"

_"But it was retrieving their forgotten Mini-Timulator in Toad Town that cost Swindell and Arfur, and they became the fourth team eliminated."_

"We gave this our all," Swindell said.

"That's right." Arfur high-fived him.

_"Nine teams remain! Who will be eliminated next?"_

* * *

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

"This leg of the _Race_ is not over!" Miles supplied the Toad brothers another envelope.

Crackling firewood and Kylie Koopa's camera filled the silence as they digested the news.

"Well, let's see what's in store." Plenn opened the clue. " 'Travel by UFO to Nimbus Land—' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

Extremely rapid shots flew to a kingdom upon a cloud. In a flash the sepia overlay vanished, bringing the image back to the full-colored present.

"Teams must now drive themselves to Nimbus Land and locate this marked parking area," Blaise narrated. "They will then use their Mini-Timulator to surf to their original time."

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: Nimbus Land Palace**

Marshmallow-like guards beckoned into the town's centerpiece: a grandiose pink castle. The royal family stood, waving cheerily, in the entrance hall among golden statues in their likenesses.

"Prince Mallow, rightful heir to the throne, will receive them inside the palace and give them their next clue."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"Nimbus Land's clear on the other side of the map," Plenn said. "You fellas sure aren't taking it easy on us."

"Your last pit stop was the finest castle across the land," Miles said teasingly. "We figured you'd have enough left in the tank to keep going."

"_After that double elimination spiel at the start line, speculation's run rampant about the how and when," Thriff said._

"Double leg," Thriff informed the waiting racers as he and Plenn exited Hollijolli Village. Several gasped.

"_I think everyone assumed the worst about that fake pit stop," Thriff continued. "We sure did. Question was, would ninth place be safe or not? If tenth place was eliminated, you'd have no way of knowing until you hit the next mat."_

Hybrid shots showed the lavender, violet, brown, gray, pink, gold, and forest green teams receiving clues, in that order.

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in Last Place**

"You lucked out," Goom Goom said to Dupree's back as they descended the bridges around the mushroom. "Big time. I'm pretty sure we just dodged a bullet."

"Why zis blame game?" Dupree protested. "Was eet not you who did zee Roadblock?"

"Oh come on! If we'd discussed it instead of you just dumping it on me, we wouldn't be in this position!"

"You cannot know zat! What eef we 'ad done zat and you were still zee chosen one?"

"Yeah, but… Argh! The point is! Your flirt game is ruining us! Crims and Bobbie weren't even looking your direction and they almost got us eliminated!"

"Zose angels? Preposterous! My leetle weengman, I zeenk—"

"That! I'm your wingman _outside_ the _Race_! If picking up chicks is what you're here for, you should've brought somebody else! Million coins on the line, remember?!"

_"I grew up in Rogueport like some of these guys," Goom Goom said. "Saved up from working the docks and got out of that environment. But I'm still living paycheck to paycheck. That prize money would change my life." _

"You know what grinds my gears the most?! You bring so much to the table, but it's all wasted because you keep distracting yourself! Like, you can't pull over to gawk on the way to the pit stop, even if it's the prettiest gal in the universe!"

"Okay, please, no more!" Dupree yelled. He slowed, and the pair continued running side-by-side. "You 'ave made your point. I too want to win, I assure you!"

_"Spreading my abundant love to zee world's lovely lilies eez my number one passion! My lifelong mission! But zey would never forgive me for neglecting zee other passions zat make me a specimen worthy of zeir fickle gazes!"_

_"Better result, same predictable reasons," Goom Goom muttered, sweatdropping._

_"_Monsieur_, I cannot change overnight. But I will not lose your friendship so foolishly. I 'ave enough troubles bringing a leetle lollipop back to zee apartment. I could not bear returneeng to find you gone as well! Who would 'elp me pay zee rent? …Why zee intense glare? _Non_! I jest, _monsieur_, I jest!"_

"Alright." Goom Goom exhaled deeply and powered on the UFO. "Let's focus on catching up. We've still got a shot. But this isn't over."

* * *

Time-lapse shots combined the day's passing with the teams' pilgrimage.

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Dating On/Off**

"Why are you still nagging on tiny mistake, SHA-KRACK?" Swob asked exasperatedly. "We are safe, SHA-BOOM!"

"Because zis is important!" Bobolink said adamantly. "Ve dropped one place goink back! Vhat if ve had been in rear? Ve could have come in last! You cannot be makink zese stupid mistakes!"

"Okay, okay! I fuse-promise," Swob pledged solemnly, "never to clean up after self, SHA-BLAM!"

"SVOB!"

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Therapist/Patient**

"Fer a Fuzzy, you sure ain't too fuzzy!" Grubba complained. "More prickly, like a giant goathead in my side!"

"I reserve that for psychos invading my personal space."

"A thorny whoopee cushion! A squishy cactus ball! There's a nickname with some oomph here, I can feel it!"

_"These people have it sooooo good, traveling with supportive partners," Goldy griped. "Mine's a deaf blowhard who insults me every other breath. Ughhhh! I never catch a break with these barbarians, home, work, wherever. Always forcing me to be the mature one."_

"Are we there yet?" Goldy whined.

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Exes**

"This _Race_ truly is a treasure trove of stories," Podley said, marveling over the landscape below. "Riding a magic carpet over a dream world's desert? Surreal. Driving a UFO through the past? Unbelievable. Who hasn't dreamed of flying?"

"How true! Gibbous always says how jealous he is of the Crows outside and—" Eve stopped abruptly, looking guilty. "Oh dear. Erm…"

"…You've rarely spoken so candidly of your family," Podley said after a pause.

"I…didn't want to be inconsiderate of your feelings."

"You truly haven't changed."

"Pardon?"

"…Eve, do you truly consider me a friend?"

"Why of course! …Is that feeling not reciprocated, Podley?"

"…No, it is. It's just…I've spoken at length about my post-separation life and heard little of yours in return. As your friend, I'd like to know about everything. The family you'll return to. Your plans for the future."

"I see." Eve smiled softly. "Shall I start at the beginning, then? The story of how Vigil and I met?"

"We have all the time in the world."

_"Is it natural to occasionally wonder what could have been?" Eve asked. "My life is wonderful now, but part of me still yearns for the stage after breathing and _being_ musical theater for years. Vigil doesn't quite _understand _that part of me, but Podley does. I suppose the grass always looks greener elsewhere…"_

* * *

**Nimbus Land**

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Shop Owner Brothers**

"This is incredible," Thriff enthused. "We're flying right by a dormant volcano! …At least, I hope it's dormant."

"Nimbus Land kinda looks like its ash cloud," Plenn said thoughtfully.

They parked, disembarked, and activated their Mini-Timulator. Ten Mushrooms later, they arrived in present-day Nimbus Land. The drop spot behind the palace hid their reappearance and the Mini-Timulator depository. Harmonious music helmed by a peaceful piccolo solo played alongside expository shots of the kingdom and its people.

"Peasants, about to meet a prince. This makes three royals," Plenn said. "Never too early to prep for that memory challenge."

"Aye."

Navigating the statue- and servant-populated primrose hallways, the shamrock green team reached the throne room. Prince Mallow, a young cloud clad in white-and-sky blue knickerbockers, paced nervously.

"Think, Mallow, think! You have to say something wise and regal-sounding! Maybe I should channel Grandpa?"

He turned and yelped as the brothers came to a stop before him.

"Ack! Uh. Welcome, young tadpoles! Um. It's all about the destination, not the journey!"

Plenn traded dubious looks with Thriff before accepting the extended envelope. "Fella? We're Toads, not tadpoles."

"I was just trying to…" Mallow embarrassedly looked away. "Wait. Aren't baby toads called—"

"Chin up, fella," Thriff said. "It's nice to meet you too."

They exchanged introductions and handshakes.

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

As Plenn opened the clue, King Nimbus meandered over with a royal autograph book and pen. Queen Nimbus trailed behind, shaking her head.

"Excuse me, gentlemen," King Nimbus said. "You have a good chance of winning this competition and becoming celebrities, yes?"

"We think so," Thriff replied. "Wait. Celeb—"

"Splendid! Can I have your autograph?"

"Please, dear, you're embarrassing us on worldwide television," Queen Nimbus reprimanded.

"I already did it on a video game distributed worldwide. What's left to lose?"

With everyone looking over his shoulder, Plenn read aloud, " 'Study the statues in the marked hallway to recognize someone appearing later in the leg—' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

A lavender-tinted Nimbus male bowed to the camera as it panned around the corridor's golden monuments.

"Master sculptor Garro created the statues decorating Nimbus Land Palace," Blaise narrated. "These figures, featuring prominently in the Legend of the Seven Stars saga, have been erected in King Nimbus's personal museum as a tribute to history."

Shots fast forwarded outside to the edge of Nimbus Land, where a Lakitu piloting a giant cloud tipped his green chauffeur hat. Spiraling shots descended the gigantic beanstalk to a mountainous region covered in autumnal vegetation and Warp Pipes.

"Once they've finished studying, two teams at a time can take the Royal Bus down to Bean Valley."

The camera panned across ten red off-roaders before more rapid shots traversed the uneven terrain to a sudden cliff face overlooking a desert.

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: Land's End**

"Teams will then drive these utility task vehicles through Bean Valley to this precipice at the edge of Land's End, where they will find their next clue."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"UFOs, now UTVs?" Thriff said excitedly. "Cool!"

The Toad brothers found the flag-marked gallery and greeted its curator, Garro. As expected, the Nimbus royal family's statues had the prime real estate exhibit; Mario, Princess Toadstool, Bowser, and a doll whose placard identified him as Geno also received star billing. One introductory shot lingered on a caped spear-like figure labeled Yaridovich.

"Get what we need and get out, looks like," Thriff said. "What do you think? Shop shorthand?"

"We should have time to sketch and label all of them," Plenn said as he rummaged through his backpack.

"Really, Plenn? There's gotta be over thirty of these. We have to play this smartly."

"All the more reason to get foolproof information now. I don't want to drive back here if we can't identify this character later."

"…Well, all righty then," Thriff relented and retrieved his notebook.

"You take that side, I'll start on these."

_"Attention to detail is one of our greatest assets," Plenn said. "I wanted to keep emphasizing our strengths. We'd be in prime form during the superleg while everyone else made mistakes out of fatigue."_

_"I agreed to a certain extent," Thriff said. "But why not capitalize on our lead? I felt like we needed to strike a balance. But big brother's the boss."_

"Some of these fellas sure are funny-looking," Plenn commented as he sketched Smithy with his trusty blue pencil. "Dapper mustache, though."

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 2****nd**** Place  
FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: How rude, asking if we're related to dodoes! We're anything but!)" Flo huffed. "Ooh, more shiny statues!"

The Twilight Town teams soon joined the brothers in the corridor. All three scribbled notes furiously. After a couple of minutes, Maude signaled to Flo.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Have everything you need, dear?)" Maude asked.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Yup. If you're ready, I'm ready.)"

They flew off.

"Plenn, teams are passing us," Thriff said warningly.

"Let them," Plenn said. "Poor notes will hurt them later."

"Splendid. I was hoping we'd have another chance to speak privately," Eve said, drawing the brothers' attention. "You two are neighbors and friends with Podley, right? What would you gentlemen think of an alliance?"

"A detached, discreet one," Podley clarified. "Information sharing when possible, but no pressure to help when it's too disadvantageous."

"Ever the businessman," Plenn chuckled. "I don't see why not. We bring our real-world synergy here, it'll be beneficial to both our games."

"Us two to the end, then," Thriff said. "Consider it done. Whoever wins buys drinks."

"Knowing where said drinks are coming from, that's a little unfair," Podley replied, chuckling. "We'll arrange something."

_"No offense Eve, but I much prefer this partnership over that Day 1 alliance with Darkly and Dour," Podley said. "Plenn and Thriff have proven themselves stable, strong, and consistent enough to keep up with us."_

_ "You're also friends outside the _Race_," Eve pointed out, "which I never would've guessed based on your interactions before the Intersection."_

_"That was intentional on both our parts. Plenn and I wanted to gauge each other's _Race _abilities before committing to anything. Even better for us, with our Express Pass gone, they're probably perceived as bigger threats."_

"How far along are you?" Eve asked. "If we cover the remaining statues between us, we can leave faster."

"Well—" Plenn began.

"Aye!" Thriff exclaimed. "I like this alliance already!"

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Stay-at-Home Moms**

The violet team found the Royal Bus waiting on Nimbus Land's edge.

"Hello!" Maude greeted. "Are you our ride to Bean Valley?"

"Can't you birds get down yourselves?" the driver asked.

"Yeah, if we're fishing for a penalty," Flo quipped. "Do you have to wait for a second team?"

"Not really. You want me to?"

"No way!" both chorused.

Shell wheels spinning for effect, the Royal Bus slowly descended.

* * *

**Bean Valley**

Composite shots explored green subterranean tunnels and Grate Guy's spartan Casino before returning to the surface.

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Stay-at-Home Moms**

"Are you taking in this gorgeous view, Flo?" Maude gushed. "All that lush orange flora!"

The Royal Bus alighted in a relatively flat clearing, allowed its passengers to disembark, and drifted back toward Nimbus Land. Flo and Maude tossed their backpacks into an off-roader's rear.

"Woohoo! First ones down!" Flo hopped into the driver's seat. "Let's go, Maude! Vroom, vroom!"

She proceeded to steer the UTV directly into a tall plant.

"Whoopsy-daisy! You guys have insurance on this, right?"

"You've done Excitebikes and UFOs, you can do this UTV, Flo," Maude encouraged. "Take a moment to figure it out."

* * *

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

The gray team entered the near-empty gallery.

"I grow weary of these pretentious royals and extravagant palaces…" Drak muttered as he scanned the statues. "These golden effigies are idols of arrogance…"

"You expect anything less of this frivolous modern society?" Crimson scoffed. "…What is that expression? Do you wish to subjugate this world to the morals of a millennium past?"

"It is not Her will…"

They left without writing any notes.

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

"SVOB! Focus!"

"Frame and hang above your bed, SHA-SHOOM!" Swob exclaimed as he scribbled his stylized signature.

"Or sell online for big money," King Nimbus said shamelessly.

"Dad…" Mallow whined. Queen Nimbus simply stood by with a near-permanent facepalm.

"Vhat?! Hey! Vhy you not askink for my autograph?!" Bobolink demanded, flaunting the cloud-themed bonnet, thunderbolt earrings, and baby blue lace scarf she'd donned for this occasion. "I am famous designer and model!"

"Never heard of you." King Nimbus shrugged. "But I won't turn down a celebrity!"

"_Nyet_! Rude! Svob! Ve are leavink! Now!"

"Can you make giant cloud snow when we leave, SHA-CRACK? Would be super cool, SHA-BLOOM!"

"SVOOOB!"

"I don't think my Snowy spell would be very safe for you guys," Mallow murmured.

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

The flatmates tumbled into the present. Goom Goom shoved the Mini-Timulator into the designated container.

"Aw yeah, jumped up to sixth. That's what I'm talking about! Let's keep this momentum!"

Dupree tore his eyes from some local ladies and followed Goom Goom to Nimbus Palace's entrance. "_Oui_! We will be zee leaders in no time!"

* * *

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Stay-at-Home Moms**

"Goodness, this place is like a crazy, mountainous maze!" Flo chirped.

"I didn't see a cliff on the way down," Maude said, "but I think there was lower-elevated land south-ish of the drop area. Maybe if we keep moving that direction?"

"Right. Follow the trusty old natural instincts."

**EVE &amp; PODLEY / PLENN &amp; THRIFF**

"This wilderness feels like the middle of nowhere," Plenn said. In the background, several Geckits scrambled through the vegetation.

"I'm right at home," Thriff joked.

Plenn led the way; Podley followed at a safe distance.

"Compared to that smooth UFO ride, this is certainly bumpy." Eve clutched the grab handle for dear life.

"Feels smooth to me," Podley said. "Never thought I'd be so relieved to see a regular steering wheel again."

* * *

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 7****th**** Place**

"I know you!" King Nimbus exclaimed. "You're that infamous heel at the center of that Glam Pit scandal! Autograph, please!"

"Heel?" Grubba repeated, grin momentarily fading. "Always a pleasure to meet a fan, 'specially one with yer fine and dandy tastes!"

"Get away from us!" Goldy screeched. "The last thing this psychopath needs is an ego boost from a king!"

"Psychopath?" Mallow repeated curiously. As the gold team turned away to read the clue, he magically detached his body from his pants and focused his sights on Grubba's mind. Whatever he heard had him panicking and hustling his father to safety.

**GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

The Robbos entered the recently vacated gallery. Gus rolled his eyes upon seeing a gold-plated Mario statue among the collection.

"Him again. Why am I not surprised."

"I see you've an eye for quality, lad," Garro said. "That's one of my most popular works. 'A Plumber's Lament, Redux.' "

"Ugh."

"We're already playing catchup," Garf said. "I'm thinking we take one good look and then write anything important during the bus ride."

"Sounds fine with me," Gus said. "These people all look pretty distinct from each other."

They briefly surveyed the collection, headed outside, and ended up waiting for the Royal Bus to make its return trip.

* * *

"Atten-TION!" Sergeant Flutter barked. "Civilians approaching, troops! We WILL keep them safe and show them a fun time!"

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 1****st**** Place  
EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

"I spy yonder clue box," Thriff announced. "And beyond that…looks like the land's end."

"Ooh boy. Wonder what we're doing here," Plenn said.

Both teams parked their off-roaders and approached the box.

"Good evening, Ma'am! Good evening, Sirs!" Sergeant Flutter saluted. "Sky Troopas reporting for duty!"

The group responded uncertainly and pulled out the Route Info. Thriff's eyes lit up.

" 'Abseil down the cliff to Land's End—' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

"Troopas, forma-TION!"

Eight Red Paratroopas assembled in an aerial diamond around their gray-shelled leader and ascended parallel to the sheer cliff face.

"Sergeant Flutter and the Sky Troopas will transport teams' UTVs down this cliff," Blaise said, hopping from shell to shell. "Meanwhile, teams will perform a harrowing tandem rappel."

**ROUTE INFO  
Tandem Abseil**

"The three available lines end partway down, forcing teams to complete their descent by mastering the timing of the patrolling Sky Troopas to jump on their backs."

Rapid shots sped through the three disparate aboveground regions of Land's End: a desert populated by migratory sand whirlpools, a grassy plain featuring a Donut Block bridge, and a mountainous area littered with blue cannons. One particularly large cannon began swiveling on its hinges.

"Once teams finish, they can continue driving through Land's End to this marked Pot Cannon, which will blast them, UTV and all, down to Seaside Town."

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: Seaside Town**

Expository shots rushed along the coastline to a quaint town with blue-roofed buildings.

"Outside this shed on the western corner, teams will find their next clue."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"Seaside Town?" Podley repeated. "Rogueport's a seaside town. What an oddly generic name."

As the Sky Troopas fitted and adjusted their harnesses, the teams looked out at the view.

"Oh, dear," Eve said nervously. "It's a long way down. This is even higher than Creepy Steeple's, er…steeple."

"It's alright. We're in this together." Podley fiddled with the rescue spider ropes connecting them. "Quite literally, in fact."

"Have you done anything like this before, Podley?"

"Well, no. But it can't be too difficult. It's basically controlled falling, right?"

"Sorry, sir," their Sky Troopa replied. "I have wings. I've never used one of these before."

Eve and Podley sweatdropped. Meanwhile, Plenn and Thriff backed over the edge, Thriff leading.

"And we be off!" Thriff exclaimed. He looked over his shoulder at the sight below. "This is neat!"

Podley shot an aside glance to the nearest camera as he squared his legs in a staggered stance behind Eve's. They awkwardly shuffled down, trying to find a rhythm. The three-Sky Troopa moving crew drifted down past both teams, bearing a UTV on its shells.

"Ho! You see that, Plenn?" Thriff asked. He eagerly accelerated. "That's motivation, right there!"

"Slow down a touch, Thriff!" Plenn exclaimed. "Let me find purchase! We're not racing them!"

"Short hops, Plenn! Short hops!"

"Hold on!"

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

The gray team arrived and squabbled over rappelling positions.

"Neither of us has prior experience in this field!" Crimson argued. "Who takes point matters not!"

"Hence why your contumacy against my authority ba—"

"Contumacy?! How many times must it be said that you are not _my_ leader? Bah! Stand aside!"

_"The self-discipline, respect, and conduct of well-trained Koopa soldiers was refreshing," Crimson said. "If only my _partner _demonstrated a fraction of such subservience." Drak scowled._

"Preparations complete, General Crimson, ma'am!" their Sky Troopa confirmed.

Crimson saluted to the awestruck soldier as she stepped backward over the edge, a disgruntled Drak following suit. Meanwhile, Plenn and Thriff reached the ledge delineating their rope's end and unhooked themselves from the belay device. Two Sky Troopas patrolled at staggered heights along the cliff face.

"That's a long fall if we miss," Plenn said.

"You have my personal guarantee of your safety, gentleman!" Sergeant Flutter assured. "Easy does it!"

"Geronimo!" Thriff made two natural-looking bounds to the rocky terrain below. All three UTVs were positioned facing the desert.

"Here goes nothing," Plenn muttered. Yelping, he ungracefully mimicked his brother and jumped down the shells to the ground. "What a rush!"

"Fun, right?" Thriff agreed. "Should we wait for them?"

The brothers glanced up. Podley was coaching Eve as they jerkily shuffled down. Crimson and Drak were quickly closing the gap.

"Can't let the cousins get suspicious," Plenn decided. "We'll scout ahead."

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

"Rappelling as a Route Marker challenge?" Maude said. "Unusual, but exciting! We'll swoop down with flying colors!"

As the Crows got harnessed up, the cousins hit the bottom and stripped off their equipment.

"A commendable time, as expected from two high-ranking army officials!" Sergeant Flutter complimented. "You two conquered that cliff without hesitation!"

"What have we to fear?" Crimson smirked. "Death?"

"Very true. Who has the honor of your leadership?"

"A powerful queen of a land and time far removed…" Drak replied.

"…I see. She's quite lucky, then. Safe travels to you."

On that note, Drak and Crimson climbed into their UTV and drove off. As sedimentary rock gave way to sand, the gray team took a moment to contemplate their allies.

"Pawn management must be deferred until we have further information," Crimson said bitterly. "Considering our selections, we may have to adapt by choosing other survivors."

* * *

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM / SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK**

"See? Vhy you refuse to listen?" Bobolink nagged. "I knew zat vas not right vay!"

"But you did not know right way, SHA-BRACK!" Swob argued as he drove.

"I—" Bobolink spotted the bachelors on the path ahead. "Our boys! Marvelous! _Privet_! (_Sub_.: Hey!)"

"I am your boy, SHA-BOOM!"

"Keep driving," Goom Goom muttered. "They'll follow us anyway."

"Ve follow you, _da_?" Bobolink shouted.

"Ah, zee leetle firecracker eez back on my trail!" Dupree raised his hands in a heart. His afro hid it. Their UTV swerved to the side.

"WAH! Dude, hands on the wheel!"

"_Pardon_, _pardon_!"

* * *

**EVE &amp; PODLEY / FLO &amp; MAUDE**

"That was terrifying," Eve said as she climbed into the passenger seat. "I would've preferred to rappel the full way."

"You handled it fine," Podley said.

Shortly after, the Crows alighted with a controlled descent involving feather-light touches on the Sky Troopas' shells.

"You all are so strong, carrying our UTVs down like that," Flo marveled. "How do we get whatever you're taking?"

* * *

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in Last Place**

"Only we are talented enough to get dreadfully lost when roads do not exist," Tally muttered.

"No vim for you, you spinning, flying deathtrap!" Deyn said as she scrambled out of the UFO.

"Ours is the ninth. We must hurry."

_"We seemingly always take the scenic route during long road trips," Tally said._

_ "Hate to break it to ya Tal," Deyn said, "but when you go barreling off, it takes forever to get back on track."_

They surfed back to the future and presented themselves to Prince Mallow.

"Gee, you two look ragged," he observed.

"Oh shucks, you know just what to say to two girls who're being recorded on camera," Deyn retorted.

"No, no! That's not what I… Uh… Need some HP Rain?"

"Rain would only exacerbate the problem!" Tally shrieked, shielding her hair.

Mallow exasperatedly tossed the clue to them.

_"It was so exhausting," Deyn said. "We suddenly went from taking taxis everywhere to driving and navigating ourselves for hours in a cramped alien contraption. Clearly, we didn't handle it well."_

_ "Being uncertain if we were in last only fueled our paranoia," Tally said._

"In the interest of time, we cannot be overly thorough," Tally said. "A shame. We _do_ love museums."

"Let's at least write the names in case they're important later," Deyn suggested.

After making a round on the statues, the pink team hurried outside to the Royal Bus.

"No seatbelts, no guardrails, this is insane," Deyn said rapidly. "Hold my hand, please? I'm freaking out right now."

"Of course," Tally consented. Deyn squeezed her eyes shut as they began descending.

* * *

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 5****th**** Place  
SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

"_Nyet_, _nyet_! Svob, go down first!" Bobolink insisted.

"I am trying, SHA-PAFF! We cannot repel! We must attract, SHA-BOOMITY!"

"You are evil sadists! Zis is torture!" Bobolink looked down past Swob and whimpered. "Too high! I cannot!"

"Stop playing war-tug, Linka! We can do it, SHA-PHOOM!"

Swob finally overpowered Bobolink's resistance, yanking her over the edge. Sputtering frantic Russian gibberish, she scrambled for safety.

"Wrong way, Linka!" She buried his encouragement with her shrieking and his effort by digging in her heels.

Unlike Bobolink, the bachelors quickly overcame their initial hesitance and sprint-hopped down the cliff. With his longer legs making bigger bounds, Dupree practically dragged his lighter teammate along.

"Zee faster we go, zee sooner our feet kiss zee ground!" Dupree chanted, leading the charge.

"Maybe slow down a touch and let my feet kiss the cliff?" Goom Goom said frantically, shoes barely skimming the rock.

They made fast time to the ledge and spared no thought vaulting down the Sky Troopas. Goom Goom yelped as he missed landing on the second soldier, but Sergeant Flutter swooped in and reset him.

"Whoa! Thanks for saving me from going splat!"

"No trouble at all, sir," Sergeant Flutter replied.

Goom Goom successfully made both jumps on his next try and hit the ground running for the UTV.

"_Monsieur_, wait!" Dupree protested. "What about our allies?"

"They're moving slower than their relationship," Goom Goom said. "We can't just stick around if they're taking forever."

"But…" Dupree glanced back up to the screaming, flailing Bobolink.

"C'mon! Remember what I told you?"

Frowning, Dupree joined him in the UTV. They left before either of the preoccupied Bob-ombs noticed.

* * *

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Shop Owner Brothers**

"This desert feels exponentially hotter than Subcon," Plenn said, wiping his brow. "I'm sweating like the dickens."

He carefully traversed the desert at a steady speed, avoiding steep dunes and the occasional quicksand whirlpool. Far in the distance, a white smoky cloud darted about wildly.

"You've been driving all day, Plenn. Feel like switching?"

"Nah, I'm good."

"You sure? It's unsafe to drive so many hours withou—"

"There's an oasis up ahead!" Plenn interrupted, pointing ahead to a camp of red canvas tents near an outcrop of palm trees. "We can ask for directions there."

* * *

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 7****th**** Place**

"Ain't this a repellin' racket?" Grubba mimed covering his ears as he and Goldy expertly breezed past the Bob-ombs.

The gold team finished descending with surprisingly minimal fuss and drove into the desert. Meanwhile, Bobolink screamed as she lost her footing and went vertical. Sergeant Flutter zipped back to assist.

"I vant— zis— over!" Bobolink hiccupped, crying fearfully.

"_Nyet_, Linka, you are like superheroine!" Swob insisted.

"_Stoy_! (_Sub_.: Stop!) I vant— quit!"

_"Heights are not irrational fear!" Bobolink harrumphed. "My papa vas elite Parabomb. I adored him very much, _da_? One day he vent on jump mission and never returned. I have many nightmares about sharink his fate. Beink on _Race _made zem vorse. So tired and stressed out, alvays vorryink zat I get skydivink task and parachute vill not open."_

"I am sooooo proud, Linka!" Swob exclaimed. "Everyone watching is proud, SHA-PAFF!"

Slowly, agonizingly, they shambled down to the end of their line. Swob unhooked them from the belay device, to Bobolink's horror.

"We jump together, _da_?" Swob said encouragingly. "One, two, three!"

After several false starts, the Bob-ombs whooped and wailed with three tandem leaps to the ground. Swob cheered and planted several kisses on Bobolink's face.

"I vas so scared," Bobolink admitted.

"You are most amazing girlfriend, SHA-WHOM! We can do anything, _da_?"

"_Da_! Did you see…" Bobolink trailed off. Her leftover fear instantly turned to fury. "Zose pigs! Zis means var."

_"I picked Dupree as comrade because he bragged about his travelink experience," Bobolink said. "Ve are bad vith directions. He knows zis and he abandons us! He does not vant to reach finals vith team alvays gettink lost?"_

"_I thought we formed real connection," Swob said._

_ "Zey are very selfish, _da_? Alliances not survive if members act rogue and ignore best interests of group!"_

**GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

"Why couldn't this have been a Roadblock?" Gus moaned.

"The road stopped," Garf said cheekily. "Nothing to block."

Gus glared at him. "I'd kick your tail if we weren't tethered together."

They raced each other down the cliff. Gus hesitated at the Sky Troopa section, allowing Garf to reach the ground first.

"Just jump, man!" Garf shouted. "Vestigial wings sure zap a bird's confidence…"

"CRUD, CRUD, CRUUUUD!" Gus landed on all fours, shook himself off, and joined Garf in the UTV.

* * *

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Bachelors/Flatmates**

Following the desert, teams drove down a grassy mountain range with palm trees and pink flowers. As Goom Goom drove their UTV through a particularly fertile field, Dupree extended his arm and plucked a flower. He sniffed it and sighed wistfully.

"Whatever you're thinking, stop," Goom Goom said. "Eyes on the prize."

They arrived at a downward staircase of giant Donut Blocks guarded by a blue-cloaked Shaman.

"Yahoo! Welcome to the Sky Bridge, Land's End's biggest tourist attraction! Heading down?"

"Yeah. Thanks, Merlon!" Goom Goom said.

"…Why is everyone calling me that today?" the Shaman wondered.

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Distant Cousins**

Meanwhile, the gray team approached the end of the craggy bluffs overlooking the sea. Crimson's steering remained steady even as a series of nearby Pot Cannons blasted confused Geckits overhead.

"…our ideal alternative," she concluded. "…You entertained none of my proposals."

"An unfounded accusation… I previously considered such contingencies long before you conceived them…"

Crimson angrily rolled her eyes. She steered into the marked, oversized Pot Cannon. It cocked back and shot their UTV toward sea level.

* * *

**Seaside Town**

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

The Shadow Army officers landed in a sand trap, largely unfazed by the trip. They jogged into Seaside Town and located the clue box. Drak inspected the packed treasure chest near the shed's door with distaste.

"Imposters of the Sapphire Star…?"

" 'Discern the original by offering Star Pieces— ' " Crimson read.

(_~*TAR*~_)

A horde of gray-and-red creatures was packed inside a storage building lined with crates. Some individuals resembled the statues from Nimbus Land Palace, while others were generic Toad citizens.

"While searching for the Blue Star Piece, Yaridovich incarcerated Seaside Town's residents inside this shed," Blaise narrated. "Today, the tables have turned."

**ROUTE INFO  
Find True Yaridovich**

"One at a time, teams will enter this overcrowded shed and offer fake Star Pieces to Yaridovich's clones. Once the real Yaridovich has what he came for, he'll hand teams their next clue."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"Let us reclaim first attempt perfection…"

The gray team entered the storehouse and slipped into the crowd. All the clones milled about in casual conversation, generating a low, steady din of monotonous voices.

"A dichromatic sea. We fit right in," Crimson noted amusedly. "Which of you is the original, the authentic, the leader?"

"That would…be me of…course," Bowyer responded.

"I am…obviously…the real…one," Mack alleged.

"They all…lie…I am…who you want," a Yaridovich mirage claimed.

"Will wonders never cease?" Crimson cackled. "Beings with an even more halting manner of speech than Drak."

_"Habitual inspection cultivates character and stoicism…" Drak said._

_ "We have trained eyes for deviance," Crimson said. "The presence of multiple copies of a particular character made the solution quite straightforward."_

"Impossible! How did you find me so quickly?" Yaridovich demanded. Drak and Crimson snickered condescendingly as they disappeared back into the crowd.

"You overcompensated…"

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

The duo reconvened outside and took cover away from the clue box. Crimson ignored the Fast Forward and opened the Route Info.

" 'Obtain a free Beetle Box from Beetles Are Us—' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

The camera panned inside a nearby specialty shop, where a Snifit proffered a beige sack.

"Before proceeding, teams will drop into Beetles Are Us and pick up a Beetle Box."

**ROUTE INFO  
Find: Beetles Are Us**

Rapid shots flew past Star Hill and a rocky pass littered with Artichokers to a lofty tower with a wooden exterior finish.

"Then, teams will drive themselves to Booster Tower."

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: Booster Tower**

Expository shots displayed checkboard floors, a hallway of generational portraits, a midair railroad, and a mysterious set of curtains. On the top floor balcony, a giant-mouthed man with crazy-looking facial hair laughed and made binocular hands at the camera. The scene abruptly dropped several stories down to the front door and welcome sign.

"Outside the entrance, they will find their next clue."

(_~*TAR*~_)

They inquired in a neighboring building, which was incidentally their first destination.

"You guys sure are lucky your initiation and purchasing fees are being waived," the Snifit said. "Here's your Beetle Box. Good luck, and happy hunting!"

"Hunting…?" Drak echoed, sounding intrigued.

Returning to their UTV, they began driving eastward.

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

"We were just shot out of a cannon, UTV and all!" Plenn effused. "That was wicked!"

The shamrock green team jogged into Seaside Town and queried a fellow shop owner. They found the clue box, took a faux Star Piece, and entered the shed.

"Looks like the partner challenge for the statue gallery," Plenn said.

"All those drawings won't help us now," Thriff said. "Everyone's still the same color."

"You took notes on the inscriptions, right? Those can narrow our options."

"What if we figure this out faster by doing instead? There's no time penalty for guessing."

"Like this?" Plenn handed the Star Piece to a random Toad.

"Hooray…I…have finally…succeeded." The clone grinned languidly, stuffed it in his pants, and returned to his conversation.

"Guess that's a no." Plenn looked pointedly at Thriff. "We need a system."

"That doesn't count! You just picked some random fella!"

Bickering lightly, they retrieved another Star Piece and tried again.

* * *

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in Last Place**

"Stop scuffing the shell!" the Sky Troopa complained. "I just had it polished yesterday!"

"I'm a land-lover!" Deyn bit back. "Your moving isn't making this any easier for me!"

"Breathe, Deyn!" Tally called out. "Have patience! You can finish this!"

On her fifth try, Deyn nailed the timing and joined her partner on the ground.

"Mission accomplished, ma'am!" Sergeant Flutter said, saluting. "Good job!"

"That was terrifying," Deyn deadpanned. Tally hugged her before leading the way to the UTV.

* * *

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

"Aw, yeah! Bunch of clues in this box!" Goom Goom exclaimed. "See what's possible when we're on point?"

"Eet eez no surprise." Dupree fluffed his afro. "I am zee travel master!"

_"I 'ave zee intuition of zee well-traveled adventurer," Dupree said. "I am never lost because I am home wherever I go! I am zee modern Magellan, honh honh! With a map, compass, or directions from zee native ladybugs, I can find anyzeeng. Eet eez zee best transferable skill for zee _Race_, oui? 'Alf zee battle eez findeeng our destinations!"_

"This is the deadest rave I've ever seen," Goom Goom commented, "eh D-Man? …Dupree? Hey!"

Dupree made an immediate beeline for the ladies, who were all sipping from martini glasses.

"Zat futuristic gray lipstick! You are all more beautiful zan zis jewel!" He clutched his chest, anguished. "But I only 'ave one! Zis is 'orrible! I love you all equally!"

"Jewelry…give it…here," Axem Pink demanded.

"Tee hee…you adorable…man...I want it," Birdo said.

"I know…be a…dear and…get one for…us all," Princess Toadstool suggested.

"Brains _and_ beauty! _Parfait_! (_Sub_.: Perfect!)" Dupree presented her the faux Star Piece and moved to kiss her hand. Princess Toadstool deftly dodged and raised the shard in front of her red brooch, cooing.

Goom Goom scanned the clue again and sighed. "I don't have any better ideas."

The lime and shamrock green teams swapped positions.

"Are we really brute forcing this right now?" Thriff asked, annoyed. "There's like, a hundred of these fellas."

"Podley and Eve may have the information we need," Plenn said icily. "We'll have to wait for them."

"You're not listening to me at all, Plenn."

Both teams alternated distributing Star Pieces to clones until the next group arrived.

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 4****th**** Place  
FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

After some deliberation, Eve and Podley incorrectly submitted their first Star Piece to King Mallow. They queued at the back of the line. Plenn tried mouthing something to Podley. Due to his mustache, he failed.

"What a happenin' cocktail party." Flo landed on Valentina's live parrot headdress to survey the crowd. "Oh, look! We're a bird totem!"

Maude laughed. "One of these guys is a cloning shapeshifter. Does that sound right?"

"Yes, I remember seeing that on a statue. Who could it be?"

"_I have something like an eidetic memory," Maude said. "It isn't perfect, but it's adequate. Back when I was an actress, memorizing lines was like reading scripts in my mind's eye. The best part is that nowadays, I don't have to bring grocery lists to the supermarket!"_

_"Isn't she amazing?" Flo gushed, side-hugging Maude. "I have the greatest friends!"_

"I'm the most perfect, powerful lieutenant!" Yaridovich bragged to his captive audience. "They chose me because I'm the most camera-ready!"

"Aren't you a Chatty Cathy?" Maude alighted on his spear and peered into his face. "Found him, Flo!"

"How?! How did you see through my perfect scheme on your first try?" Yaridovich hissed as Flo served him the fake Star Piece.

"You're just that good-looking," Maude said.

"True, true."

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

Giggling, the Crows flitted to a less congested corner and read their clue.

"Ooh, Beetles Are Us?" Flo echoed. "Splendid! I'm beyond peckish right now!"

They exited the shed and flew off in search of directions.

"Zee cunning Crows 'ave already solved eet?" Dupree sighed admiringly. He and Goom Goom cycled back in.

"Finally. Can we compare notes?" Plenn asked.

"Who've you tried?" Podley asked back.

"Several Toads, the Nimbus royals, Mario and the princess," Plenn listed.

"Obviously important suspects," Thriff said.

"We're looking for 'the original,' " Eve reminded them. "This person is probably distinct from everyone else."

"Guess we can rule out those humanized weapons," Podley said. "There were several."

Cue a shot of the real Yaridovich smirking.

"One of the statues was a fella named Smithy," Plenn remembered. "Maybe he's their maker?"

Another attempt later, the brothers came out, shaking their heads.

"Hey, you guys mind working together to solve this?" Goom Goom chimed in.

"We are enjoyeeng zee lead for once," Dupree said.

"Why not?" Plenn glanced at his allies. Eve winked. "The more heads, the merrier. Who've we all given Star Pieces to?"

"_I wanted to race like that from the start," Goom Goom said. "No committed alliances holding us back. Just spur-of-the-moment teamwork, then us leaving 'em in the dust when it's over! …For the record, this isn't my dating philosophy though. I'm here to play, but I'm not a player!"_

"Listen." Eve looked around the shed. "Do you hear that? Someone's speech pattern is more energized than everyone's droning."

"That must be our man," Podley said.

They finally found the original Yaridovich and, after receiving the clue, relayed the information to the others.

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**  
**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 4****th**** Place  
PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

"To Beetles Are Us, and zen to Booster Tower!" Dupree exclaimed.

As if by unspoken agreement, the trio split ways to find directions. The lavender and shamrock green teams, however, maintained a line of nonverbal communication, allowing them to collect their Beetle Boxes and leave Seaside Town together before the lime green team.

"All these buildings look identical," Goom Goom said, eyebrows scrunched together. "Nothing looks like a pet store."

"Zere are many shops, honh?" Dupree led the way into an armory. "Zis eez typical for zee coastal ports."

Eventually, they found Beetles Are Us and got on their way.

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

"This place is more packed than a lobby of hardcore wrestlin' fans after a champeenship match!" Grubba hooted, body checking one of the doubles. "I can hear that dull roar chantin' my name now!"

"It's…clobbering time," Punchinello drawled, shoving him back.

"Yer darn tootin' it is, pard!" Grubba pushed him over, causing a domino-style chain reaction of clones to the nearest wall. "Hyuk hyuk, I'm lovin' it!"

"Will you quit messing around?" Goldy bounced on top of the clones' heads. "Who's the head of this joint?"

_"Anyone with a brain could've seen that those creepo zombies were controlled by some hive mind," Goldy said. "It's like with the Horde. Give them an order and they'll all do the same mindless thing trying to follow it."_

"It's this guy!" Goldy suddenly shrieked. "Give it here!"

She stole the Blue Star Piece from Grubba and dropped it at Yaridovich's feet. The shapeshifter immediately grew angry.

"You're cheating! There's no way you saw through my masterminded disguise!"

_"Of course their leader was the obnoxious windbag." Goldy rolled her eyes._

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

They read their clue and quickly located Beetles Are Us. Upon getting the Beetle Box, Grubba promptly tried to stuff Goldy inside.

"MEEEOORK! Stop that, you idiot!"

Grubba just grinned to the camera and laughed.

* * *

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Distant Cousins**

With the onset of dusk, teams exercised caution as they drove further eastward. Even at top speed, the UTVs were still easily overtaken by the regular-sized vehicles sharing the road.

"Vying for turf against these goliaths is a fool's game…" Drak glared at an eighteen-wheeler that cruised on by. Pumping the brakes, he glanced back to check the rear lights.

"If you are feeling unnerved, simply say the word and pull over," Crimson said. "We shall switch."

"Nay… I am no poltroon… This training shall prove invaluable for kindred exercises in our future…"

Eventually they hit the exit for Booster Pass, the gateway to both Booster Tower and Booster Hill. Drak navigated the mountain route with considerably less calm than Crimson had with Land's End.

**Booster Tower**

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

They parked in the lot, which was decorated with an eclectic variety of non-native flora. A "DO NOT ENTER" notice had been taped over the "Welcome" sign by the door. Crimson dealt with clue box duty.

"Roadblock. 'Who is a fan of The Beetles?' "

(_~*TAR*~)_

Blaise stood at the base of nearby Booster Hill. The eponymous man himself gleefully held up a sign sloppily written in neon purple sharpie.

" 'This leg is sponsored by Booster, the world's bestest and most handsomest bajillion-gazillionaire,' " Blaise read through gritted teeth. Rolling his eyes, he slapped the sign down and continued normally, "Beetles fly in abundance around Booster Hill, making Beetle collecting a popular hobby for its owner. Except, he has others do it for him."

"It's not a hobby unless everyone's having fun!" Booster exclaimed. Blaise glared at him.

"We instructed you not to speak."

"Money talks, but I talk even louder!"

**ROADBLOCK  
Barrel Beetle Race**

Demonstration footage showed four of Booster's Snifit servants trying and failing to balance on top of barrels lying on their sides.

"Teams will participate in the famous Beetle Race, with a twist," Blaise narrated. "Four participants at a time, they will roll these barrels—"

"Do a barrel roll!" Booster shouted off-screen.

"—up a short stretch of Booster Hill, using the height boost to catch flying Beetles. If they can catch one within the one-minute time limit, Booster will give them their next clue."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"Why are those words capitalized?" Crimson asked. "Does this reference something?"

"Its import is lost on us…" Drak shrugged. "We stand at three Roadblocks apiece… I nominate you… She who communes with bugs—"

"I most certainly do _not_! I _evict_ crickets from Madame Hooktail's Castle!"

"Crickets and beetles are both insects to be squashed… You bear the requisite experience…"

"For your information, crickets are intelligent little lowlifes," Crimson muttered.

They returned to their UTV and backtracked through Booster Pass to Booster Hill. A foothill separate from the main road up Booster Hill itself was the Roadblock site.

**CRIMSON**

Crimson took one look at the struggling Snifits and frowned.

"I will require preparation before attempting this."

She pushed an empty barrel to a flat area, mounted it, and tried walking it forward. Two steps later, she toppled backward and fell to pieces. Meanwhile, Drak warily fended off Booster, a throwing bone at the ready.

"A walking skeleton! Are you hollower than my barrels?" Booster asked. "They were full, but those mean people said we had to drink everything for safety reasons."

"Stay away…"

After some practice, Crimson opted to try the full race. She stood behind a chalk line with three other Snifits and their barrels.

"Ready?" Booster fired a toy pistol that shot out a flag with the word "BANG!" It made no noise, resulting in Crimson being caught off-guard. Beetles that had previously flown high overhead now periodically swooped in just out of reach.

Crimson scrambled onto and unsteadily stood on her barrel. The added inertia caused by the incline hampered her efforts, causing her to repeatedly stumble off as her barrel simply rocked in place. By the end of the minute, she'd made zero progress, though her competitors hadn't done much better.

"Curses!" Crimson reassembled herself. "What chicanery is this impossible challenge?"

"She's right, Booster sir!" a Snifit complained. "This is impossible!"

Booster hopped atop a makeshift winner's podium and stood on a barrel's head. "Seems easy to me, No. 1!"

"That's not the same thing!"

Crimson immediately requested a second attempt. This time she took a different approach, manually hand-rolling her barrel a short distance to get it moving, and then tried hopping on. Instead she slipped off the front and faceplanted into the dirt. Her barrel proceeded to take out a Snifit below her.

"That may be a viable method," Crimson decided. She tried fine-tuning her new angle, but only succeeded in dirtying her skull from all the falls.

"Time out!" Booster shouted. Immediately, the Beetles stopped flying in range.

"Why must we collect your own vermin if they already obey your commands?" Crimson demanded. One of the Snifits crossed his arms, erroneously offended.

Jaw unhinged, Booster stared at her blankly for several seconds. "Are we having fun yet?"

Drak shook his head.

* * *

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 7****th**** Place**

"We have to find golden one, SHA-BLAM!" Swob insisted, pushing through the crowd of clones.

"Zere is no gold," Bobolink said. "Only drab gray and ugly red hue." In contrast, she was rocking a balibuntal hat with a star-themed sash, a chic chiffon dress with glittering golden accents, and seashell-laden hoop earrings.

"Maybe we must blow paint off, SHA-BOOM! With explosions, SHA-SHPOW!"

"_Nyet_, stop! Do not give us penalty, Svob! Ve need—EEEIK!" Bobolink shrieked as a four-eyed dog-like monster licked her outfit.

"Ugh. Dog days of summer," Belome muttered, shuffling away.

"Grk! You disgustink beast! Ack! Zis is least dinner civilized crowd I ever meet!" Bobolink complained, glaring at anyone who jostled her.

By sheer luck, the couple eventually submitted a Blue Star Piece to Yaridovich. Bobolink shoved their way back outside before allowing Swob to open the clue.

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 7****th**** Place**

"Fast Forward!" Swob exclaimed, waving the green and blue folders around.

"Ve are not in danger," Bobolink said. "Ve are just behind our allies, _da_?"

They asked for directions in Seaside Town's slopshop before making their way to Beetles Are Us, then back to their UTV.

"This is Beetle Box?" Swob shook the beige bag before setting it down and starting the engine.

"If related task is Roadblock, you vill be doink it," Bobolink said emphatically.

"Huh? But Linka, you have only done two, SHA-PHOOM!"

"I do not have bug-resistant clothink!"

"Should we not think about future, SHA-KRASH?"

"You are alvays talkink about icky-crawly pet tundra beetles, _da_? You are havink more experience."

"Very true! Okey-dokey, I am convinced! I will do it, SHA-PAFF!"

"My hero."

* * *

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

"I love beetles _and_ The Beatles!" Flo exclaimed. "_Into the light of the dark black night~_!"

They drove to the Roadblock site, which was now illuminated by a mishmash of tree-hanging ball lanterns and landscape floodlights. Despite all the distractions, the Beetles obstinately flew straight and true.

"I'm already a featherweight!" Flo joked. She struggled getting a barrel to even budge. "This _Race_ diet and exercise regimen is working too well!"

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: Apparently Flo isn't allowed to use her wings to keep herself airborne.)" Maude told the camera. "(_Sub_.: But I know she can do this.)"

Drak smirked slightly as Flo tumbled backwards, squawking.

**CRIMSON: 8****th**** Attempt**

Meanwhile, Crimson tried yet another approach. On the signal, she intently hand-rolled her barrel up to the far edge of the play area and then hopped on, running forward as the barrel accelerated downhill. She found her opening to leap for a Beetle, achieving the height but miscalculating the timing. The minute ended as her runaway barrel again bowled over another Snifit.

"Would it kill you to encourage me or extol my innovations?" Crimson groused, glaring over at Drak.

* * *

**GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

"He's literally everywhere," Gus muttered, scowling at the Mario and Bowser doubles as they proposed a toast. "It's ridiculous."

"Hey, some of these guys are identical twins, just like us," Garf said, nudging Gus. "Think they're related to the original the clue's talking about?"

"Maybe. Worth a shot."

They targeted the Yaridovich clones and soon happened upon the lieutenant himself.

"Nice spear," Garf said. Yaridovich immediately about-faced from his harangue.

"Naturally! It's the superior weapon, only operable by talented prodigies like me!" Yaridovich pointedly jabbed a katana-wielding impersonation in the rear. Boomer didn't react.

"I like the way you think," Gus said.

"_That Yarid guy was pretty cool," Gus said. "Anyone whose weapon of choice is a spear clearly has good taste."_

**GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

"Glad we didn't waste time on notes," Garf said. "That was easy."

While Garf read the Route Info, Gus swiped a Yaridovich duplicate's spear and prodded the Mario, laughing maniacally.

"Where do you think we should— Gus? Hey! Focus bro, come on!"

* * *

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 3****rd**** Place  
EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 4****th**** Place  
PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

The three teams arrived at Booster Hill in a cluster, where Dupree, Podley, and Thriff joined the action. Whereas Dupree jumped straight into a Beetle Race, the latter two first experimented on flat ground.

"I wish I'd indulged my fancies and tried this on my full cola kegs," Podley said, dusting himself off. "This is difficult."

"Please be careful not to injure yourselves!" Eve called out, wringing her hands. "Try to fall safely!"

"Mom priorities?" Maude said understandingly. Eve giggled.

"Is this the lead pack?" Goom Goom asked the group. Drak nodded. "Too cool!"

"_Sacre bleu_!" Dupree cried out as Crimson's errant barrel knocked him off his own.

"Maybe not so cool." Goom Goom took a seat with the others on the sidelines. "I would've owned this Roadblock."

Montage shots showed various four-person combinations failing and falling. After several rounds, Dupree and Thriff took approaches similar to Crimson, giving their barrels a rolling start before jumping on.

"This is the pirate game me mates never played," Thriff said. "I gotta figure this out."

_"There was a steep learning curve," Thriff said. "You're jogging backwards on a convex object to roll it uphill on what felt like a thirty-degree incline. And then you have to time a jump off that unsteady surface to catch a Beetle in your box."_

Flo fell off her barrel. Split-seconds later, Podley, Crimson, and Dupree followed.

"Are we playing follow the leader now?" Booster asked. "Booster says?"

_"At least, that's what I initially thought," Thriff continued. "It dawned on me that rolling the barrel was the least important part. As long as you're up there, right place, right time, to leap for a Beetle, that's what counts."_

"You guys are missing half the fun!" Booster pouted, stomping his feet.

"_Non_! We are tryeeng to minimize zee unsightly bruiseeng!" Dupree protested.

He, Thriff, and Flo simply stood atop their barrels. Because the Beetles flew downhill along random lines, waiting for one to come within range was a crapshoot. But at last, someone's luck delivered.

"Ahoy there!" Thriff excitedly peered into his now-occupied box. He raced over to Booster. "I'm do—"

"Wait your turn. Nobody likes a showoff," Booster said, not looking up from his pocket stopwatch.

Before the minute ended, another racer nabbed a Beetle.

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 1****st**** Place  
FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

"Oooh, my Beetle's golden!" Flo exclaimed as she gave her Beetle Box to Booster. "Does that mean it tastes better?"

"I dunno," Booster said. He inspected the box with one eye, shook it, opened it, and held it above his head, letting the Beetle escape.

"WAH! Why'd you do that, Master Booster?!" a Snifit shouted. "Those are super rare!"

"Looked completely raw to me! It's a bug, not a beef steak," Booster said. "Besides, they know the combination to my bedroom!"

There was mystified silence. Booster reached under his Viking hat and produced two envelopes.

"I guess you're leaving for the rest of your scavenger hunt," Booster said sadly. "You better tell them my part was the funnest!"

As Crimson, Dupree, Podley, and a Snifit started the next Beetle Race, Thriff and Flo brought the clues to their partners.

" 'Drive yourselves to the Marrymore Hotel—' " Thriff read.

(_~*TAR*~_)

Quick shots continued to the top of Booster Hill.

"Teams must now drive themselves to Marrymore, the destination wedding capital of the world, and find the famous Honeymoon Hotel." Blaise paused. A pair of giggling newlyweds scampered past him and through the hotel's front doors. "Contrary to popular belief, it is _not_ the number one honeymoon destination. _Anyway_…"

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: Honeymoon Hotel**

A Toad peeked through a variegated bouquet of flowers and presented an envelope.

"The front desk concierge will provide them their next clue."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"Is there someplace atop this hill we can ask?" Thriff wondered.

"I don't think so," Plenn said. "I remember seeing a sign for another town. We can ask for directions there."

A grayscale shot of a lantern-lit mining community deeper in the mountains, full of shipping crates, refurbished minecarts, and tent-shaped wooden buildings with metal roofs, appeared in the corner of the screen. Captioned "Moleville," it received a giant red X and buzzer sound.

"Well, alright."

Both teams drove off away from Booster Hill. Shortly after, Podley scored with a stylish overhead catch.

"That was amazing!" Eve cheered.

At the end of the Beetle Race, only Podley received a clue. He and Eve read it in their offroader.

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

"Marrymore, huh?" Podley repeated. The exes exchanged awkward glances. "Uh. Should we follow the brothers?"

"Actually… I think it may be just up ahead," Eve said. "Doesn't a hilltop wedding site sound incredibly romantic? …Hypothetically speaking?"

"You do have a point. I guess we'll find out soon enough."

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

"You live with beetles down in those musty ol' sewers!" Grubba argued.

"MEORK! Fine! I'll do it!" Goldy yelled.

After some aimless scrambling around Booster Tower, the gold team reread its clue and changed course for Booster Hill. Goldy took one look at the ongoing Beetle Race and laughed.

"Balancing? Bouncing?" She was practically vibrating with excitement. "A spot-on pick for once! Mine, mine, MINE!"

"Go get 'em, ya caperin' caltrop!" Grubba showboated over to the spectators. "Listen to all yer cheerin' fans!" He motioned to an irritated Drak and a nonplussed Goom Goom. "We're all pullin' for you to bring home that Beetle!"

"Wahoo!" Booster shouted.

Due to her innate bounciness, Goldy technically didn't need her barrel, but used it to follow the Roadblock stipulations. Within the first ten seconds, she sprung out, captured a Beetle in her mouth, and spat it into the box.

"Blech! Piece of cake!" Goldy simpered.

"Attagal! Am I right, or am I right?" Grubba hooted. "I've got that winnin' foresight!"

Dupree shakily rolled his barrel along the marked area's flat edge in anticipation of an incoming Beetle. He lost his balance toward the end, but held on long enough to extend his long arms, hop, and snag a rather large male Beetle.

"At long last!" Dupree said triumphantly. "Now eef only zis effort translated into women flyeeng into my arms!"

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 4****th**** Place  
DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

"Unbelievable." As the two teams drove off, Crimson pinched her eye sockets. "Everyone is outstripping me!"

"Unsurprising… Your methodologies thus far have been devoid of sensible—"

"Drak? Shut. Up. If _that_ is your wanton feedback, you had best remain silent!"

_"Identifying a fruitless endeavor and knowing when to cut your losses is part of sound strategy," Crimson said. "Anticipating a breakthrough in the face of failure is not perseverance. It is foolishness."_

"You must really love playing this game!" Booster remarked cheerfully. Crimson scowled disdainfully in his direction, prompting the Snifits to back away slowly.

"I cannot do this," Crimson asserted. "It is abundantly clear."

"No team would be four hours removed unless befallen by a navigational catastrophe… You desire to explore that risk…?"

Crimson grit her fangs angrily.

_"I was approaching my physical limit," she said. "Such is the curse of this form. …I envied those Koopas Madame Hooktail brought to her table, vernal in skin I too surely wore many years past, yet could not recall. How I longed for that body, pleasing in its complexion and vitality. What a delight it was, hearing such vivacity sheared from their bones, another minion reborn to share in my torment!"_

Crimson again collapsed to the ground in a heap. "HraaaAAAAAH!"

* * *

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in Last Place**

The pink team emerged from the shed, down one Star Piece and up one clue.

"Yes, a Fast Forward!" Deyn exclaimed. "Just what we need!"

"Hopefully no one else felt endangered enough to use it," Tally said.

"They better not have! 'Make your way to the Sea Caves—' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

"This is the fourth of eight available Fast Forwards," Blaise narrated.

**FAST FORWARD  
Sink and Solve**

Rapid shots explored twin tunnels leading to a submerged wooden ship.

"To claim this Fast Forward, teams will traverse the Sea Caves to this Sunken Ship."

A tall anthropomorphic shark bearing cape, medallion, and trident stared down the camera.

"Inside, notorious pirate leader Jonathan Jones will hand them a collection of memos left by Charles Van Doren, Ferdinand Magellan, and Vasco da Gama, to solve a word puzzle. The correct solution will earn a team the Fast Forward award."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"Underwater spelunking?!" Deyn clapped. "This sounds rad!"

They hustled to the southwestern beach, where two pirate sharks wearing red bandanas, appropriately named Bandana Reds, were waiting.

"Yarrrr!" one growled, thumping his spear against the sand. "Ahoy, me saucy beauties! Kept us waitin', ye did!"

"Oh my gosh, you talk just like Thriff!" Deyn laughed. "Are we going for a nighttime walk along the beach together?"

"If so, this simply won't do." Tally plucked two spare pink bandanas from her backpack and distributed them. "Now we all match."

"Good idea! Pink team unite!"

"Arrrr, much appreciated, me hearties! Ready to chart a course to collect yer booty?"

The quartet waded into the sea, entered an underwater Warp Pipe, and landed in a cavern. Timber supports and periodic lanterns lining the wall marked their way forward.

"Wow, it feels so cool and moist down here," Deyn remarked.

As instructed, the Toads speed-walked through the winding corridors, their escorts following close behind.

_"It was a breathtaking juxtaposition," Tally said. "That unease, feeling the pressure of the ocean bearing down around us, soothed by the caves' ethereal, otherworldly beauty. Knowing that this experience was unique to Deyn and I alone made it that much more special."_

Sleeping bioluminescent Zeostars arranged in imaginary constellations along the cave floor pulsed soft green light. Holding hands as they enjoyed the journey, Tally and Deyn grinned giddily at each other.

* * *

**Marrymore**

A celebratory arrangement of Pachelbel's _Canon in D_ for piano and strings played over footage of newly wedded couples beaming, laughing, and crying (happily, of course). Arcing string lights connected the city's multitudinous venues, each a self-contained theme bubble for the perfect dream wedding.

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

"Marrymore is gorgeous," Eve said wistfully. She carefully drove through the petal-covered cobblestone streets, taking in the aroma of catered food and the muted discord of unsynchronized wedding marches.

"Our UTV looks pitiful compared to all these vintage cars and limousines," Podley remarked.

They parked in some marked spaces outside the tastefully understated three-story Honeymoon Hotel and headed into the lobby.

"Congratulations!" the concierge said as he handed over their clue.

"For what?" Eve asked. "…_Oh_. We're not—"

"Ignore it," Podley said. "In this town, that won't be the last time."

"True… Detour. Wedding Cake or Wedding Crashers? …Oh dear."

(_~*TAR*~_)

Wedding bells rang as several processionals marched through daytime Marrymore's streets.

"Between bachelor and bachelorette parties, wedding ceremonies, and receptions, Marrymore's booming service industry executes over a hundred memorable events each day," Blaise narrated. "Now, teams have a choice between contributing to Marrymore's most in-demand confectionary masterpieces or making memorable surprise appearances on someone's special day."

**DETOUR  
Wedding Cake or Wedding Crashers**

_*TAR*_

Rapid shots arrived before a bakery storefront. The façade's displays featured tantalizing arrangements of tiered wedding cakes, cupcake trays, and cake pop bouquets.

"For **Wedding Cake**, teams will make their way on foot to re:Torte, brainchild of world-renowned cake ace Chef Torte."

Several Terrapins hustled about the industrial-sized kitchen. The camera focused on one as he deftly piped buttercream roses onto a cake's side.

"Donning culinary jackets, teams will then follow a completed example to embellish two tiers of a wedding cake with swirls and edible flowers."

Blaise stood by a severe-looking Terrapin wearing a heavily pleated _toque blanche_.

"If their work meets Chef Torte's exacting standards, he'll reward them with their next clue."

"I haf no problem firink your untalented temps!" Chef Torte warned.

"Hush."

_*TAR*_

The camera entered a bridal boutique and panned across several headless mannequins wearing elaborate wedding dresses.

"In **Wedding Crashers**, teams will make their way on foot to Valentina Bridal, where—"

"That's _it_? I was promised _at least_ a ten second feature!"

Blaise scowled as a tall, voluptuous woman with a parrot on her head and a martini glass in her hand pranced into frame.

"Shop here for Marrymore's _best_ bridal and bridesmaid packages!" Valentina purred. "With my ingenious dress designs and accessories, you're guaranteed to be _at most_ sixty percent as beautiful as me! And don't forget to—"

"You people _really_ need to quit speaking out of line," Blaise said angrily.

"How _rude_!"

Rapid shots highlighted several venues hosting nighttime receptions. Zoom-ins cut past the dancing and party games to the seating arrangements—namely, the petite place cards with their fancy cursive and small font size.

"Where was I?" Blaise muttered. "Once they're dressed for the occasion, teams will continue on foot, searching four ongoing receptions for place cards with their team members' names. They will bring these, along with the corresponding guest mementos, back to Valentina to receive their next clue."

(_~*TAR*~_)

The exes stared at the clue in awkward silence.

_"This Detour would reopen old wounds, no matter which side we picked," Eve said. "However, there was something undeniably perverse about standing next to Podley in a wedding dress, knowing my family would see it."_

"Let's do Wedding Cake," Eve said. "We're do-it-yourselfers. We have steady hands, and, um…"

"Good idea. Wedding Cake it is."

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

"We _must_ pick Wedding Crashers!" Dupree asserted. "All zose maidens in billoweeng cotton candy dresses!"

"D-Man, the gal of the hour's gonna be just married," Goom Goom said.

"_Oui_, but all her bridesmaids will be lookeeng for zeir opportunity to upgrade to bride status!"

"…Well, I've always wanted to wear a tux."

Valentina Bridal commanded a prominent corner in the business district and was ostentatiously illumined compared to its closed neighbors, making it easy to identify. The bachelors quickly found it and entered.

"Are _you_ my first pair of models?" Valentina asked, frowning. Dupree immediately went gaga and dashed over to make her acquaintance, snout inches away from her voluminous bust.

"_Oui_, my love! Only say zee word and I will be your model 'usband for…" He paused, noticing her enormous diamond ring.

"Buy me a better rock and _maybe_ I'd consider it." Valentina flicked him away. "Dodo! Bring these two their _specially_ designed outfits and _me_ another drink! …DODO! Step on it! My thirst won't quench itself!"

A plump black bird with a dual-toned beak squeezed through the back doorway…and held up matching wedding dresses with mint green accents and lace _broderie anglaise_ cathedral-length trains. The bachelors stared, dumbfounded.

"Zere eez some mistake!" Dupree said. "We are _garçons_!"

"And?" Valentina scoffed. "This is Valentina _Bridal_. So either get in my _amazing_ handpicked bridal ensemble, or GET OUT!"

Dupree and Goom Goom looked at the dresses, then to each other, and gulped.

* * *

**PLENN &amp; THIFF / FLO &amp; MAUDE**

"I'm famous at last!" Punchinello rejoiced, wheeling his arms and jigging for a camera. "Wait, no, come back!"

"We just learned Marrymore's back where we were," Thriff narrated exasperatedly. "If Plenn had listened to my suggestion—"

"So I was off the mark this time. Lay off."

"Shut up and drive."

Maude followed behind them; Flo warily watched Punchinello, who was prattling in the background.

"Maybe we should avoid blindly tailing other teams," Maude was saying. "I think we're navigationally savvy enough to—"

"Oh my feathers Maude, he's gaining! Full speed ahead!"

* * *

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Former Roommates**

"Are we back at sea level?" Tally wondered.

The Sea Caves emptied at a distant cove rife with Bloopers. Vaguely visible in the deep water was the mast of the Sunken Ship.

"Look lively, me lasses!" one Bandana Red waved his fin toward a raging whirlpool. "Thar be our vessel!"

Taking the whirlpool to a Warp Pipe, the quartet arrived inside a dim cabin on the main deck. Jonathan Jones emerged from the shadows, flanked by his crew of Bandana Blues.

"Arr, harr! Ahoy, me landlubbers." Jonathan circled them, cape billowing imposingly. "Ventured into the depths to escape Davy's grip, I see."

"What?" Deyn hugged Tally nervously as the sharks trapped them in an encircling dance. "A-Are you going to eat us?"

"This late hour be not our dinner!" Jonathan produced a captain's logbook. "It be storytime!"

The Toads sweatdropped.

"Tell the tales of every page ye dare explore!" Jonathan ordered. "No hornswaggling us of good elocution!"

"Ooh, I _knew_ learning auctioneer technique would come in handy one day!" Deyn exclaimed.

"I'll listen and read closely alongside you." Tally glanced at the Fast Forward information. "Hopefully what we need will jump off the pages."

As Deyn enthralled the crew with her rapid vocalization, an onscreen graphic of flipping parchment pages showed the relevant messages.

Memos Left by the Doomed:  
\- "It has four consonants." – Da Gama  
\- "It has two vowels." – Da Gama  
\- "There is an 's' in the word." – Magellan  
\- "It is found on the bed of the ocean." – Magellan  
\- "The 'r' comes before the 'l.' " – Van Doren  
\- "At least…two consonants are side by side." – Van Doren

* * *

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 7****th**** Place  
GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

Swob and Gus had joined Crimson at the Beetle Races.

"Difficult way to catch bugs, SHA-BOOM!" So saying, Swob tumbled off his barrel.

"This is seriously bugging me," Gus muttered, re-mounting his.

"Jump, man!" Garf yelled. "Just go for it!"

Gus vaulted off his perch—"Gah!"—and nabbed a Beetle that smacked him in the forehead. He submitted it to Booster at the race's end.

**GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

"That was rough," Gus groaned, massaging his shoulder. "My bruises have bruises."

"You did great." Garf revved up the UTV. "Still climbing the ranks."

As the twins left, Crimson, Swob, and two Snifits began another round.

"How many teams have finished zis?" Bobolink asked Drak.

_"One or both of the pickpockets and patricians remained behind us…" Drak said. "But revealing any intelligence to that unstable woman would further jeopardize our position at that moment…"_

"I do not know…"

"Really?" Bobolink eventually broke eye contact, unsettled by his intense gaze. "Zen zere is somezink you should. Dupree and Goom Goom. Zey abandoned us at cliff. Not true comrades. Ve be very careful, _da_?"

Drak crossed his arms. "Hm…"

* * *

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: 0/2 Placards**

"It's for a million coins," Goom Goom rationalized. He exited the dressing room, clad in his froofy wedding dress and bridal heels, and peered forlornly into another mirror. "We're never gonna live this down."

" 'ow do I look, my pretty pink princess?" Dupree asked.

"You? Hideous," Valentina said. "My dresses, however, look _fabulous_. Model them for me!"

Dupree obediently spun around and strutted toward the door. Goom Goom followed, shaking his head…and promptly face-planted.

"Gah! How do girls walk in these things?!"

"You better not rip my masterpiece, you troglodyte!" Valentina shrieked.

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: 0/2 Tiers**

Infused with an earthy chocolate torte color scheme, re:Torte hosted an array of dummy display cakes comprising a live portfolio of its namesake's creative genius. The exes used the employee entrance and donned lavender-tinted jackets before entering the kitchen. Eve hastily pulled her hair back into a bun.

"About time! You haf kept me vaiting too long!" Chef Torte yelled. "All zees cakes must get finished by za deadline!"

"We'll get right on it," Podley assured.

A nearby Terrapin demonstrated piping technique as he added buttercream, freehanded, onto a seven-tiered _Race_-themed cake. Ten rotating stands held unfinished white, round, four-tier cakes; the bottom two layers had filigree scrollwork, bead borders, and an ascending sugar flower spiral.

"My goodness, these are all so elaborate and beautiful," Eve breathed. "Another couple will celebrate their happily ever after with our work?"

"Seems so," Podley said. "We'll need to move quickly."

Following the supplemental instructions, Podley partially filled an icing bag, squeezed out the air bubbles, and tied off the end. He experimentally squeezed some lines and curlicues onto a piece of parchment paper. Eve mimicked him, but her shaky hands produced noticeable jags.

"Yours look really good," Eve said. "Have you done this before?"

"A lot of bottles feature similar designs, and I've replicated them on a whim. It's basically drawing a bunch of C's and S's."

Podley refilled his bag and began piping on the cake, using the completed layers for reference. Eve uncertainly started on the opposite side.

"Don't think too hard," Podley advised. "If you linger too long, it'll glob up."

Right on cue, Chef Torte stormed over.

"Stop! Stop! Zat ist unacceptable! You fix like so!"

He cleaned Eve's first swirl with a fine paintbrush while delivering rapid-fire, unintelligible advice. Then, he stomped back to the opposite side of the kitchen to yell at someone else for messing up.

"I don't suppose he'd be willing to do that thirty more times?" Eve said.

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

"Cake?!" Goldy bounced in place excitedly. "I _love_ cake! Let's do Wedding Cake!"

"Isn't that cute?" Grubba chortled, patting Goldy's head. "But yer not eatin' the dern thing, pard! It's time to crash some parties!"

"MEORK! Why even bother asking me then?!"

_"Starvin', sleep-deprived folk make plain dumb decisions!" Grubba chuckled. "I'm tellin' ya, with a 'therapist' like that, ain't no way I'm the crazy one!"_

* * *

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Former Roommates**

"A six-letter word," Tally repeated quietly. The clue's provisions prohibited note-taking. "Two vowels. Four consonants, two of which are contiguous, and three of which are 'l,' 'r,' and 's.' Erm… Parley? Sourly?"

_"Besides something about calamari, I haven't a clue what I read," Deyn said. "Tal actually had to go, 'Pause, was that a message? Rewind. Definitely a message. Okay, play.' My mouth motored faster than my brain."_

"That was the sixth," Tally interrupted. "You can stop."

Deyn exhaled. "Hoo! Thank goodness."

"Something located on the ocean floor," Tally repeated. "Mussel?"

"I've got nothing. My mind's so fried."

"Oyster? …Oh, I know! Pearls! A girl's next best friend!"

"Must be!" Jonathan pounded his trident against the floor. " 'Pearls' be the correct answer!"

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

Cheering delightedly, the Toads glomped Jonathan and engaged his subordinates in a group hug. Deyn opened the proffered clue.

" 'Congratulations for winning the Fast Forward!' "

_"Having won the Fast Forward," Blaise explained in an abbreviated segment, "Tally and Deyn may now proceed directly to the pit stop: Marrymore Chapel."_

"Now back to the surface," Tally said. "Hopefully our efforts aren't in vain."

They departed with their Bandana Red escorts.

* * *

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: 0/2 Placards**

"Waaah!" Goom Goom picked himself up, only to trip over his train. "Dupree, wait up! How're you walking so fast?!"

"Zese are just like platform shoes!" Dupree said breezily.

Using a provided map, the flatmates arrived at the first reception venue—a candle-lit ballroom with crystal chandeliers, round tables, and couples floating across the floor in a majestic Viennese Waltz. Seeing the men's bridal ensembles, several people burst into laughter.

_"Zat romantic, magical atmosphere!" Dupree sighed. "I love zee fancy formal wear and majestique mood of a milestone party. Zat eez 'ow I envision my wedding reception. I 'ave everyzeeng planned: zee drinks, zee menu, zee entertainment! Someday soon."_

From their vantage point at their sweetheart table, the newly wedded Toads giggled at their two newest guests.

"Eyes on the prize, Dupree."

"May I 'ave zees dance, my beauti—"

"Wrong prize!" Goom Goom fell again as someone stepped on his train. "Ow!"

With most of the two hundred plus guests either dancing or milling about socializing, the lime green team carefully weaved through the festivities and began circling the eight-seaters.

"Eet eez so dim, I can barely read zees teeny-tiny print!" Dupree complained.

"Try taking off your sunglasses for once," Goom Goom said.

"And ruin my carefully crafted look? Alas, _monsieur_, I cannot!"

**GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

"We're doing Wedding Crashers," Garf said, "for the free catering. Hors d'oeuvres, here we come!"

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: 0/2 Placards**

"I'm having second thoughts letting these freaks advertise my dresses," Valentina muttered.

"Ahahaha, how ridiculous!" Goldy laughed. "What a bridezilla!"

"Well ain't you suddenly a big bouncin' ball of sunshine?" Grubba chortled. "I've worn worse getups in the name of show biz!"

Shoeless Goldy was golden from top to bottom. With his fedora, sunglasses, plus-sized sunflower-colored dress, and enormous pumps, Grubba was a formidable advertisement indeed.

"Don't I look a sight?" Grubba scampered down the sidewalk, dress hitched up at his sides and train bunched in his hand. "I got my frills and sparklin' hair tie! Wham, glam, thank ya ma'am, I'm right dressed fer success!"

* * *

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in 8****th**** Place**  
**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in Last Place**

"That was fun!" Booster enthused. "Thanks for keeping me entertained past my bedtime! Say hi to my wife for me!"

"Vife?" Bobolink echoed.

Both teams piled into their UTVs.

"We will follow you, SHA-SHOOM!"

"Naturally…" Drak glanced sidelong at his fuming, exhausted partner. "See where you—"

"Shut up Drak," Crimson hissed. "The delegator shares in the representative's failings. Accept the bitter fruit of your hasty, literal interpretation of that Roadblock clue!"

"Tch…"

* * *

**GARF &amp; GUS: Robbo Twins**

The forest green team stared at the forest green-accented dresses and heels.

"Heck no," they declared in unison. Garf clarified, "We're switching."

While Valentina glared after them in disgust, Dodo looked between the outfits and nodded.

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 6****th**** Place**  
**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 7****th**** Place**

The moms selected Wedding Crashers; the brothers, Wedding Cake. Upon arriving at Valentina Bridal, the Crows found themselves revered by a heart-eyed Dodo.

"There's not enough space in this dressing room for the three of us, buddy!" Flo shouted. "We're ladies!"

"And married!" Maude added.

"Dodo! Stop goofing around and finish those adjustments!" Valentina ordered.

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: 0/2 Placards**

The yellow team crashed the lively hotel reception of two Bob-ombs. Banquet tables with champagne flutes and cake plates were partially occupied; most guests were using the photo booths, hitting up the DIY bar, or finishing their bingo cards.

"Well, howdy and congrats!" Grubba exclaimed, mock-curtsying to the laughing newlyweds. "Tie the knot, yank the noose? Or should I say blow the fuse? Hyuk hyuk hyuk!"

"You're horrible," Goldy said, "but not wrong, I guess."

_"Marriage? Pah! Who needs a love life?" Goldy scoffed. "I keep my Horde in line and I stay busy with my jobs and hobbies. Why risk landing a psycho like Chubba?"_

Goldy rolled across a table, scanning the name cards. She paused by an untouched cake slice, shiftily glanced around, and devoured the whole thing. Her eyes lolled back.

"Ohhhh, red velvet… That hits the spot!"

** DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: 0/2 Placards**

"This is crazy!" Goom Goom hurried off the floor as the crowd suddenly shifted gears into quickstep. "I can barely walk in these stupid heels, and girls are dancing like it's nothing!"

He searched one last table before rendezvousing with Dupree.

"We 'ave covered everyzeeng, honh? Ours are not 'ere! Eet eez time to move on!"

They ventured back outside and speed-walked down the cobblestone street, Goom Goom frequently still stumbling.

* * *

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: 0/2 Tiers  
GARF &amp; GUS: 0/2 Tiers  
PLENN &amp; THRIFF: 0/2 Tiers**

"The Bizarre Brothers just got here," Gus told the camera. "If we finish before them, that'd be so sick."

"So sweet," Garf said.

"Whatever."

Both sets of brothers traded icy glares as they drew their first squiggly vines. Chef Torte howled and hustled over to correct their messy technique. Meanwhile, Podley was making good progress on his filigree. Eve continued to struggle, having to touchup each piece multiple times.

_"I tried staying focused, I really did," Eve said. "Surrounded by those beautiful wedding cakes and toppers, I couldn't help but be reminded. Soon _it _consumed my thoughts, and…"_

"Eve?" Podley said questioningly.

"Why, Podley? Why did you do that to us?" Eve sniffled. "I fantasized about our proposal…our ceremony…our cake! Our first house, our first show, our…our…" Remembering the camera, she broke down sobbing. "Oh Vigil, kids, forgive me…"

"Oh, my Eve…" Podley sighed. "How I tried to avoid thinking about that right now…"

"Man, things are getting intense over there," Garf said quietly.

"Why couldn't this have been our cake?" Eve wailed.

"Intense? More like melodramatic," Gus said.

"You don't know anything. Butt out," Plenn said. Gus glowered at him. "Are you fellas okay?"

"No, nothing's okay," Eve babbled. "Everything's wrong, I don't know!"

Crying and hiccupping miserably, she dashed out through the employee entrance.

"Eve!" Podley dropped his icing bag and rushed after her.

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 8****th**** Place  
SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Currently in Last Place**

"Lots of UTVs, SHA-CRACKITY!" Swob pointed out. "Are we in back, SHA-DOOM?"

"Ve vill make up time on Vedding Crashers!" Bobolink posed, accentuating her flower-and-pearl cylinder top band and fan drop chandelier earrings for the camera. "And complete my amazink ensemble! Vhat a steal!"

"You plan to stake your fate in such a luck-based task?" Crimson sounded unsurprised. "We will have to part ways here."

"Suit yourself. Svob, come!"

"_I vas tired attendink weddinks as bridesmaid or fashion consultant," Bobolink said. "Successful in career but not romantic life. Vhy no stability vhere it mattered? I vanted opportunity to imagine myself vearink beautiful dress for once. Be centerpiece of magical fairytale veddink."_

"Vhat vile mockery is zis?" Bobolink demanded.

"It is okay, Linka! After modeling your outfits, I am good at walking in heels, SHA-WHAM!"

"Not _zat_!" Bobolink indicated the chocolate brown dresses Dodo held up. "Zat revoltink color! Zose misplaced froufrou ruffles! I refuse to vear it!"

"Take a hike, you impudent, fashionless floozy!" Valentina shrieked. "What do you know about wedding dresses anyway?!"

"Nothink, because I have never been in one!" Bobolink's anger suddenly shifted. "And vhy is zat, Svob?! Vhy are ve stuck in zis horrible relationship limbo dance?!"

Swob stammered, snatched his outfit, and retreated into a dressing room.

_"Small town boy mustered courage to talk to high-league, pretty city girl, but too scared to seal deal, SHA-PHOOM!" Swob said. "More than anything, I want Linka to be happy. She is so smart and beautiful. Deserves someone equally good, SHA-BLAM! That gives me much doubt. Always hard to tell if she enjoys my company, especially on _Race_. Is it selfish for me to claim her if she can find somebomb better?"_

* * *

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: 0/2 Placards**

Scurrying through the string-lit streets in their violet dresses and indigo heels without major trouble, the Crows quickly arrived at the Koopa couple's reception. Gentle backlighting and handcrafted centerpieces added a contemporary feel to the lounge's otherwise cosmopolitan décor. The moms laughed as the Shoe Game MC announced their arrival.

_ "I can imagine all those guests shaking their heads at these two old Crows, crashing in without proper makeup," Flo giggled._

"_Weren't the ambiances of all those receptions pitch-perfect? Nighttime weddings rule!"_

_ "They really do! Take note, kids! Your mamas are doling out some advice!"_

"Bless my feathers Flo, I found yours!" Maude chirped. She plucked a shell holder with Flo's name and a candy-filled, imprinted mason jar from a table.

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: 1/2 Placards**

"How darling!" Flo said. "Where to now? I'd wager our second is at the reception across town."

** DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: 0/2 Placards**

An outdoor garden with meteor-like raindrop lights, a hedge maze, picturesque pagoda, and game stations for horseshoes and Jenga hosted the Goomba couple's reception. Naturally, Goom Goom faceplanted near cocktail tables where the bridesmaids were socializing, setting them aflutter with giggles.

"Maaaan…" he groaned.

_"I've been single for so long. Of course _The Amazing _Drag_ Race _drops me in front of all these petite, pretty Goomba gals. Just my type, and I'm wearing this uggo green dress. I've never been so embarrassed…"_

"Anyone want a manly bride?" Goom Goom joked lamely. More giggling.

_"At least the humiliation kept me on track. I didn't even think about asking all those sizzling knockouts for their numbers. …Well, maybe just a little bit."_

"Whoa! Here's my name!" Goom Goom collected his card and a mini-bag of truffle chocolates. "Almost missed it. Least I'm at the groomsmen table."

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: 1/2 Placards**

"D-Man, I got mine!" Goom Goom carefully plodded over. "Here, hold these so I don't crush them. Any luck?"

"No, zese marvelous muffins 'ave all rejected my—er, I mean! Alas, I 'ave searched and found notheeng! Onward to zee next?"

* * *

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: 0/2 Tiers  
GARF &amp; GUS: 0/2 Tiers  
PLENN &amp; THRIFF: 0/2 Tiers  
DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: 0/2 Tiers**

"Another decorating challenge…" Drak muttered distastefully.

"Do not apply so much pressure," Crimson advised, smirking. She demonstrated high aptitude with the piping technique, creating smooth, expert-level flourishes with flourishing strokes. "Slow down and show some finesse. Where is your artistry?"

"It died in Hollijolli Village…"

_"That head chef was one strict taskmaster," Garf said. "If one swirl didn't meet his standards, he let you know."_

"_Nein_!" Chef Torte yelled. "Like zis!"

_ "My hands were super shaky, and it was tough to concentrate," Gus said. "We hadn't eaten anything all day, and now there's these mouthwatering cakes everywhere. It was torture, but waaaaay better than the alternative."_

"Who knew decorating cakes took so much effort?" Garf said.

The other brothers had made great progress on their first layer.

"We doodle a lot in our spare time," Thriff narrated. He rotated his wrist slightly, making a dot to fill some white space in the scrollwork. "It's great that our pencil skills translate to icing."

"Looks like we're good to do the border," Plenn said after receiving acknowledgment from Chef Torte. "Here, watch my size. We need to make the beads even all around."

Meanwhile, Podley consoled Eve in the alley behind re:Torte.

"I'm sorry," Eve said tearfully. "What's come over me, I… I don't know why I'm getting so emotional."

"It's been a long day. We can take the penalty if this is too draining for you," Podley offered. "I'm serious. You're my number one priority."

"No… Cakes are happy, celebratory things. We can't get eliminated over my silly hang-ups about cake."

"…Your feelings are anything but silly." Podley rubbed her shoulder. "Come on. We can talk more about this later."

Eve wiped her eyes with her bandana. Podley hoisted her up, and they returned to work.

_"I've stayed busy over the years, but alone with my thoughts, I would stew in regrets," Podley said. "How I wished I could've interjected when your officiant said 'speak now or forever hold your peace.' "_

_ "I nearly said something myself," Eve admitted. "I'm glad I didn't, but it's still somewhat comforting to know you felt the same. The heart truly is strange. I hope I don't repeatedly relapse like this now that we're back in contact. Vigil can only be so understanding."_

"_The _Race _won't rewrite our past. But I believe it sets the stage for a brighter future. For both of us."_

Time-lapsed shots montaged the four teams. Plenn and Thriff added some pre-made gumpaste peonies to their spiral, completing their first tier.

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: 1/2 Tiers**

"It's coming together nicely," Thriff said as he refilled his icing bag.

"The top layer is smaller," Plenn said. "We're probably sixty-five percent done."

* * *

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: 1/2 Placrds**

The gold team got on the board with Goldy's card from the Goombas' reception.

"Are these for me?" Goldy asked, eyeing the truffle chocolates. "Can I eat them?"

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: 0/2 Placards**

Swob handled his heels unexpectedly well, keeping pace with Bobolink to lift her train.

"My outfit does not match, my makeup is not done, and I do not have weddink band!" Bobolink ranted. "Zis is not how I wanted first time in weddink dress!"

"Look on bright side," Swob said. "We are matching, SHA-KRACK!"

"In zese dreadful dresses, _da_! I had my dream weddink week all planned out, your handsome tuxedo, my bachelorette party! But is all goink to vaste! Ve are never gettink married, are ve? Vhy is zat, Svob?! Tell me!"

Swob was uncomfortably silent. They reached the Bob-omb's hotel venue. Bobolink took in the reception—the celebratory atmosphere, the happy couple—and immediately exploded.

"Vhy must I see vhat I cannot have? I vant zat to be me!" she cried. "Vhy am I stuck in happily never after?! Vhen vill I have my lifelonk partner and big family?! I cannot wait any longer, Svob! If you vill not ved me, let me go! Let me build life vith someone else! Stop pullink me back!"

"…Was I just dumped again?" Swob asked, dumbfounded.

All the commotion drew predominantly disapproving looks from other guests. The camera abruptly panned to the lime green team as they walked toward the exit.

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: 1/2 Placards**

"Shoot, they caught up," Goom Goom said. "I saw Bobbie's name, but not yours. Don't tell her!"

"Zee poor tears of my sweet maiden!" Dupree gasped. "Whatever could 'ave her so upset?"

"Boy am I glad to see you!" Swob said, floundering up to them. "Dupree, what do I do? Linka's heart is broken! Mine, too!"

"Follow your heart, _monsieur_! 'Eal 'er pain weeth zee power of lo—"

"Not the time, Swob, sorry," Goom Goom said quickly.

"You searched tables, _da_? I cannot stand beink at zis reception," Bobolink said sadly. "Please. Did you see one of our cards?"

"Nope," Goom Goom claimed. Dupree's expression trembled. "We didn't see either of yours here."

One shot lingered accusingly on Bobolink's name card.

"_Spasibo_. Are other receptions same species?" Bobolink asked.

"No," Dupree said. "Zey are all equally different and dazzleeng! You will be inspired by all zee beautiful dresses!"

"_Nyet_…" Bobolink dolefully trudged toward the exit.

"Alliance is so helpful! Only three more to search, SHA-PAFF!" Swob said, zipping after her. "Thanks to you!"

"Good luck," Goom Goom called after them. He looked to a crestfallen Dupree. "Sorry, but it's a game, man."

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: 2/2 Placards**

The Crows danced through the throng of waltzing Toads as they examined the round tables.

"Fancy Flo, found at the fanciest party!" Flo exclaimed, claiming her card and a bow-tied gift box.

They scuttled back to Valentina Bridal and traded their name cards and reception favors for a clue.

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

Flo fended off Dodo as Maude read the Route Info.

" 'Make your way on foot to the next pit stop at Marrymore Chapel.' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

Rapid shots accelerated to the church in the center of town…right next to the Honeymoon Hotel.

"Remaining in costume, teams must now travel on foot to Marrymore Chapel, the city's most popular wedding site, and the pit stop for this leg of the _Race_."

**ROUTE INFO  
Go to Pit Stop: Marrymore Chapel**

Three Snifits irreverently bounded over the pews.

"Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue. In order to check in, teams must first despoil one of these Snifits of their stolen bridal good luck charms. The last team to run down the aisle…may be eliminated."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"We're keeping the dresses on?" Maude laughed. "This is hilarious!"

"_Goin' to the chapel / And we're gonna get ma-a-arried~_!" Flo sang. "No, not you!"

They slammed the door in Dodo's face and booked it.

* * *

Life-sized wooden doll Geno stood by Blaise at the wedding altar. Both remained stoic as a team threw open the doors and blew past the Snifits.

"Whooo! I'm here a few months early!" Deyn shouted happily. She led Tally down the aisle, swinging their held hands, and hopped onto the mat before turning to face her teammate, giggling. "I guess you'll do for now, Tal."

"Likewise, Deyn."

"Welcome to Marrymore," Geno said. "Best wishes for your upcoming marriages."

"Thank you very much." "Thanks!"

"Tally and Deyn." Blaise paused.

"Anything but last," Deyn said. "Please?"

"You are team number one."

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: 1****st**** Place**

"What? No way!" Deyn squealed. They hugged, hopping around jubilantly.

"Your prize for winning this leg," Blaise continued, "is a five-day trip for two to Yo'ster Isle. You'll enjoy a state-of-the-art natural beachside resort, an all-access pass to the Mushroom Derby, and island safaris led by the locals."

"Honeymoon~!" Deyn exclaimed. "Woohoo!"

"_My fiancé is my best friend and other half," Tally said. "Deyn is also my best friend and lifelong confidant."_

_ "Don't forget soul sister!" Deyn added. "Sister from another mister!"_

_ "Married life often changes friendships. This may be our last adventure, the two of us as we are. And we are not ready for it to end." _

Before charging the mat, Maude pilfered a blue brooch from one of the Snifits.

"Flo and Maude. You are team number two."

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: 2****nd**** Place**

"Aaah! We _crushed_ the superleg!" Flo crowed, exchanging a winged high-ten with Maude.

* * *

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: 1/2 Tiers  
EVE &amp; PODLEY: 1/2 Tiers  
DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: 1/2 Tiers  
GARF &amp; GUS: 0/2 Tiers**

"You've gotten the hang of it," Podley said. He sharpened a treble clef-shaped piece of scrollwork with his paintbrush. "Good show, Eve."

"Someone's going to celebrate with this cake tomorrow," Eve said. "We can't disappoint them."

The lavender and gray teams had finished decorating their second-from-the-top layers; the shamrock green team had nearly filigreed their top.

"Crud, how did everyone get so far ahead of us?" Gus muttered.

"Doesn't matter," Garf said. "We just need to beat one team. Maybe two."

"Unless someone's cake goes splat, it won't be anyone here."

Garf firmly pressed their last peony into the established spiral. Chef Torte approved their arrangement, permitting them to start on the topmost tier.

**GARF &amp; GUS: 1/2 Tiers**

* * *

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: 0/2 Cards**

"Swanky soiree, SHA-SHOOM!" Swob said appreciatively.

"Branches cover stars," Bobolink muttered. "Not enough flower arrangements."

An oblivious Swob cut through the crowd just as the Goomba bride tossed the bouquet. By some bizarre stroke of fate, it lodged itself upright on his fuse.

"What is tickling my happy place, SHA-BOO?" Swob finally read the atmosphere and noticed the displeased Goomba women surrounding him. "Oh! I am not real bride, SHA-SHACKITY! You can redo it, SHA-FOOM!"

He shook the bouquet away and galloped over to the tables, where Bobolink was shaking her head.

"Figures. Maybe I should have tried catchink bouquet," she said listlessly.

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: 1/2 Cards**

"Ewwww!" Disgusted by the smell emanating from Dupree's high heel when he raised it to jokingly participate in the Shoe Game, several Koopas bumped him back toward his teammate.

"I don't get it. We searched all four receptions, and we only found my stuff," Goom Goom said. "Be real, D-Man. Were you looking at the cards, or the girls?"

"I am a fantastique multitask—"

"_Dupree_."

"Well…"

Goom Goom sighed, frustrated. "Which one were you the least focused at?"

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

"Hold the phone! Heeeeeeere's Grubba!" Grubba presented his name card and wagged a finger at Goldy. "See what happens when yer too busy stuffin' yer face?"

"Hey, leave me alone! We don't all have fat reserves!"

Leaving the Bob-omb reception for the second time, the gold team returned to Valentina Bridal and claimed a clue.

"You beasts!" Valentina angrily threw the empty Goomba bag to the ground. "What happened to my truffles?!"

* * *

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

"That's a wrap!" Plenn said, installing a double-heart wedding topper on their finished wedding cake. "Looks good enough to eat, huh fella?"

"Vell of course," Chef Torte scoffed. "Ve only bake za best, most tasty cakes. Your decorating ist adequate, I guess."

"Just curious—what flavor is it?" Thriff asked.

"Vite chocolate vith raspberry filling."

"Wow! Any chance we can sample some?"

"_Nein_."

The Toads removed their culinary jackets, headed outside to read the pit stop clue, and returned to retrieve their mandatory costumes before vacating the premises.

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

After Eve affixed the final peony to the side, she and Podley gently placed the wedding topper.

"May the couple who receives our cake share a long and happy life together," Eve said.

They read their Route Info and departed.

"We're pathetic," Gus muttered. "The oldies stop for a cry break, and they still finish ahead of us."

Crimson set the pace on icing the border. After piping several beads, she batted Drak's bag away.

"Just stop. Your size and spacing are suitable cause for us starting over on this section. Let me take the lead."

Drak scowled, but acquiesced.

* * *

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

Backtracking to the Bob-omb reception, Dupree successfully collected his name card and a wine glass of wrapped bonbons.

"I was standeeng by zees table when dear Boboleenk and Swob promenaded in," he explained. "I could not ignore my darleeng damsel-in-distress!"

"Of course." Goom Goom rolled his eyes.

Goom Goom stumbled multiple times on the trip back to Valentina Bridal, even coming close to toppling his teammate.

"Ugh, you're kidding," he reacted upon hearing the Route Info. "We still have to wear this stuff?"

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: 1/2 Placards**

"Thanks for the invitation to this reception, SHA-PLOOM!" Swob lifted his empty glass and toasted the Goomba couple. "Okay, Linka! Time to crash another wedding, SHA-CRASH!"

Bobolink sauntered over from where she'd been halfheartedly scanning name cards. The brown team walked out to the main avenue, where Swob coaxed her into a light jog.

"Come on, Linka! We must hurry! I have bad feeling in belly we are endangered, SHA-DOOP!"

"Vhy am I runnink? Vhat point is zere?"

* * *

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 7****th**** Place**

Before bolting from re:Torte, Crimson squeezed some icing onto her finger and chomped down for a taste.

"Such caustic saccharinity," she complained. "My fangs rot with despair."

"V-Vat are you zaying?!" Chef Torte panicked. "I vas kind to your zubpar vork! Do not give me bad publicity!"

* * *

Before Goldy could frisk a Snifit, Grubba leapt in and bowled one over.

"Now _that's_ how you do it!" He crowned himself with the bridal veil and cavorted down the aisle.

"Goldy and Grubba. You are team number three."

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: 3****rd**** Place**

"Hooooo-WEEEE! Our first podium finish!" Grubba hollered. "We're goin' places now!"

Goldy exasperatedly shook his train off from her head. Shortly after, the first chef coat wearers stormed the nave. Their less-cumbersome costumes made the task of snaring and shaking down a Snifit much easier compared to with the material-laden dresses.

"Plenn and Thriff. You are team number four."

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: 4****th**** Place**

"We got uncharacteristically snippy after the last mat," Plenn said. "I dunno what happened. Guess it's the exhaustion speaking."

Some time later, another team recaptured a Cinderella-esque glass slipper and walked down the aisle, careful to stagger their distance.

"I would've preferred visiting any place but this," Podley deadpanned.

"Thank goodness we didn't choose the other Detour." Eve looked teary-eyed, but managed to maintain her composure.

"Eve and Podley. You are team number five."

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: 5****th**** Place**

* * *

**GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 8****th**** Place**

The twins also sampled the buttercream icing while reading the Route Info, to Chef Torte's chagrin.

"Man, that's tasty. 'The last team to check in may be eliminated,' " Garf concluded, licking his fingers.

"I've got a headache, stomachache, full-body ache," Gus lamented. "I really hope someone had an even worse day."

* * *

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: 1/2 Placards**

"I not understand," Swob said. Behind them, many Toads were taking a break from dancing, socializing and enjoying refreshments at their tables. "We visited all four receptions and only found one card, SHA-PAFF! We looked really hard too, SHA-CRASH!"

"Ve did not search Bob-omb reception," Bobolink reminded him. "Ze boys said it vas not zere."

"You think they missed it, SHA-BOOM?"

"Either zat, or zey are liars. Undependable both vays."

"We must hurry back and check, SHA-BLOOIE!"

* * *

"Ughhhhh, this is impossible!" Goom Goom moaned.

"Pretty please, play nice for zee tired brides?" Dupree pleaded in falsetto.

Encumbered by their snag-happy dress trains, the bachelors struggled to corral a Snifit. Just as the cousins burst through the narthex doors, Dupree threw one of his high heels at a Snifit, stunning him long enough for Goom Goom to swipe a glass slipper. Drak seized the opportunity to do the same.

"_Sacrebleu_!" Forced to backtrack for his own shoe in order to check in with full costume, Dupree hobbled to the pulpit, looking very unhappy.

"Drak and Crimson, Dupree and Goom Goom. You are teams six and seven."

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: 6****th**** Place  
DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: 7****th**** Place**

"Good to see you survived…" Drak said by way of greeting.

_"We're still making tons of dumb mistakes, but…I feel like we're getting better," Goom Goom said._

_ "_Oui_, I zeenk I feel it." Dupree held up the 'little bit' hand gesture. "Our energy defineetely felt different on zee second part."_

_ "If we can keep playing to our strengths and stay focused, I know we can climb the ranks, make it to the end, and win!"_

Alternating shots between the forest green and brown teams, racing frenetically through Marrymore in their unequally wacky uniforms, came to a head as one blitzed into the chapel, looted a brooch, and collapsed onto the mat.

"We could use some good news," Garf said, breathing heavily.

"Garf and Gus." Blaise inserted a seemingly extra-long pause. "You are team number eight."

**GARF &amp; GUS: 8****th**** Place**

"We made it," Garf said. He side-hugged Gus and jostled him lightly. "Great job, bro. We're still in."

"That was the most stressful day of my life," Gus said.

An indeterminate amount of time later, the on/off dating couple entered Marrymore Chaptel. Swob blew up near a Snifit, liberating a veil for Bobolink to wear. They proceeded the rest of the way side-by-side, Bobolink humming a recognizable tune under her breath.

"Welcome to Marrymore," Geno said.

"Swob and Bobolink. You are team number nine—at this time, the last team to arrive."

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Last Place**

Both nodded sadly.

"And unfortunately you have been eliminated from the _Race_."

"Awwww…I wanted to keep exploring," Swob murmured, looking teary. He pecked Bobolink's cheek. "I was having so much fun with Linka. I never wanted it to end."

Blaise turned to the normally opinionated Bobolink. "Anything to add?"

"Vith all zese weddink reminders, I realized I am missink somezink important to me," Bobolink admitted. "Svob, it has been—"

"Linka, do you love me?" Swob asked.

"Ve dated for—"

"_Da_ or _nyet_, Linka."

"…_Da_. But—"

"_Da_? Okay, good."

Swob dug through the fanny pack…and retrieved a wedding band. Bobolink gasped as he dropped into a Bob-omb's equivalent of a kneeling position and gazed up into her eyes. Her entire demeanor burst into life.

"I am not rich or handsome bomb-model. But I love you. More than anything, SHA-PLOWIE! I will do anything for you, SHA-BOOMITY! Will you take me as your husband?"

"Vhy am I cryink?" Bobolink laughed in embarrassment and rapidly blinked her eyes. "I told myself I vould not— Of course I vill! _Da_, Svob, _da_! I vaited years for you to ask! _Ty nuzhen mne_!"

"SHA-BOOM! SHA-FOOM! SHA-KROOM! SHA-SHOOM! My heart is exploding with joy, SHA-PLOOM!" Swob gently placed the wedding band under her veil before kissing her long and hard. "We are in Marrymore. Want to get married now, SHA-BOOMITY?"

"_Da_, _da_! I vill not vait second longer!" Bobolink looked at the stunned Blaise and Geno. "Can you not make somezink happen?!"

_"I caught wedding bouquet while wearing dress! It was sign for sure, SHA-BRACK!" Swob laughed. "No way sleepy, hungry Linka would agree without magical superstition affecting her, SHA-SHACKITY!"_

The eight remaining teams, a pajamas-wearing Booster and his Snifits, Valentina and Dodo, and Chef Torte and his apprentices crowded the pews as Swob and Bobolink exchanged vows.

_"Ve eloped to faravay place," Bobolink recapped. "I vore veddink dress I did not design. Svob…did too."_

_"Go brown team, SHA-KOW!"_

_ "I vas surrounded by many friends and strangers in middle of night. It vas most off-beat and spontaneous ceremony. I vould not accept anythink less from you, Svob. You make every day so interestink. It vas imperfectly perfect and all I ever vanted."_

Chef Torte wheeled one of the Detour's completed wedding cakes into the chapel. Once it was cut, Bobolink smashed a slice into Swob's face. He returned the favor.

"Food fiiight!" Booster yelled.

_"Vhat million coins?" Bobolink beamed. "I von best prize of all!"_

_"I got my _The Amazing Race_ fancy shocker wedding to my dear love. I got all I wanted, SHA-BLOOIE!"_

**SWOB &amp; BOBOLINK: Just Married!**

A joyful organ arrangement of "Here Comes the Bride" and a heart-shaped fadeout closed on the cake-covered newlyweds kissing.

* * *

_"Next time, on _The Amazing Race_!" Miles narrated. "With the double elimination and superleg in the rearview mirror, everyone finally has a chance to regroup."_

"Surrogate sons!" Maude chortled, getting laughter from Garf and Gus. Drak and Crimson watched from across the terminal.

"Everything is coming together nicely..." Drak cackled.

_"But as always, the competition is only picking up!"_

Cue shots of Dupree knocking kitties down while attempting to dance, Tally dropping a bamboo steamer, and Podley's shuriken falling short of its target.

_"And so is the answer to the question: on a scale of one to yes, how goofy can we make our racers look?"_

More flash cuts showed everyone wielding Wiimotes. Grubba guffawed as he bicep curled his. Crimson irritably held hers atop her head like hair and bent forward. Goom Goom frantically rotated it about in midair.

"It's our home turf," Plenn said determinedly. "We're not losing this time!"

"Goodness! This is Simon Says on steroids!" Maude exclaimed.

_"It's, uh, shorter than normal, but you still don't wanna miss it! Episode 7: No Time for Games!"_

* * *

**End of EPISODE 6**

* * *

Easter Eggs  
\- Wedding Crasher's four weddings acknowledges _Super Mario RPG_'s Seaside arc being the game's fourth world.

_**Author's Notes**_ (6/15/16): TV-ready romantic destination proposals are sweet (_TARCan_'s Paris tops my personal list), so following one immediately with a sappy wedding is the next best thing! Right? Marrymore and Swobolink's exit were a fated pair across all drafts of this season.

Swob/Bobolink kinda fall into the _TAR_ bickering couple stereotype...except it's more of Bobolink screaming at spacey Swob over everything and nothing. Given that Bobolink is unidentified in-game (she may be either of the two Fahr Outpost NPCs designated Northa/Inngrid in this story), I created a concept and ran with it. A high-maintenance Russian starlet paired with an artsy, innocent guy who marches to the beat of his own drum made for wacky fun to write. Between her getting at least one fashion blurb per episode and him peppering his speech with SHA-xclamations and _non sequiturs_, it was hilarious trying to see how ridiculous I could make them. The Bobolink/Crimson femme fatale travelliance tag team was also a personal favorite dynamic. Now, whether or not Swobolink works as a married couple is debatable. Clearly this interpretation of their relationship shows many issues. At least here they can enjoy a happy ending.

Also, in case the preview's hint was too vague, play-by-plays begin partway through next episode. Hopefully the characters are established enough by now that readers can enjoy the action even without the dialogue.


	8. Ep 7: No Time for Games

_**The Amazing Race 4: Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door Edition  
**_**EPISODE 7: "No Time For Games"  
**_**WarioWare: Smooth Moves**_

* * *

_"Previously, on _The Amazing Race_," Blaise narrated. "Nine teams returned to the present and raced to Marrymore, the world's premiere marriage destination. Goom Goom immediately redirected Dupree's priorities."_

"If picking up chicks is what you're here for, you should've brought somebody else!" Goom Goom shouted.

_"After falling behind early on, Tally and Deyn used the Fast Forward and claimed first."_

"Pearls!" Tally exclaimed. "A girl's next best friend!"

"You are team number one," Blaise announced.

_"A Beetle-collecting Roadblock pushed Crimson to her physical limits."_

"Everyone is outstripping me," Crimson hissed. "I cannot do this."

_"While heavy marriage reminders throughout the Detour caused meltdowns from Eve and Bobolink."_

"Why couldn't this have been our cake?" Eve wailed.

"I vant zat to be me!" Bobolink cried. "Vhy am I stuck in happily never after?"

_"However, the actions of Swob and Bobolink's own allies—"_

"We can't just stick around," Goom Goom said, pushing Dupree toward the UTV.

"Abandoning our pawns to their fate, then?" Crimson threw her hands up.

"We didn't see either of yours here," Goom Goom lied.

_"—contributed to their arriving at the altar as the fifth team eliminated."_

The newlyweds smashed cake into an unamused Blaise's face.

_"Eight teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?"_

* * *

Bubbles floated above another wedding party as two newlyweds hopped into their getaway limo. Midday Marrymore featured several such scenes, with wedding guests throwing flower petals, waving streamers, or shooting biodegradable confetti poppers.

"Few places see as many emotional highs as Marrymore, marriage capital of the world," Blaise narrated. "Many ceremonies occur at basilica-style Marrymore Chapel, the city's oldest and most revered venue. This is the start of the sixth leg in a _Race_ around the Marioverse.

"Tally and Deyn, who arrived first at 12:08 AM, will depart at 12:08 PM."

* * *

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: 1****st**** to Depart, 12:08 PM**

With Marrymore Chapel booked full for routine engagements, the mat had been relocated to behind an unobtrusive rear entrance. Tally opened the first clue.

" 'Fly to Diamond City!' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

Shots showed a plane taking off and aerial views of a bustling metropolitan island.

"For their first airport adventure back in our world, teams will fly to Diamond City," Miles narrated, "best known for being the birthplace and headquarters of gaming giant WarioWare."

**ROUTE INFO  
Fly to: Diamond City**

Rapid shots weaved through the busy streets to a groovy blue building with a snazzy guitar on its head.

"Then, it's taxi time to Club Sugar, where the coolest cats in town come to dance the night away!"

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: Club Sugar**

Spotlighted by the intersection of multicolored lights, the clue box stood just off the LED dance floor.

"Inside, teams will find their next clue."

(_~*TAR*~_)

" 'You have 203 coins for this leg of the _Race_,' " Tally concluded. "Well, city of a girl's best friend, here we come."

They jogged to their UTV, reset in the nearby Honeymoon Hotel's lot, and plotted a course for the airport.

_"When I first met some of our competition, I felt slightly guilty," Tally said. "Unlike them, we are not wanting for money. The cash prize would significantly improve their lives."_

_ "Were you listening to yourself?" Deyn laughed. "I get being a humanitarian, but that was just silly. Our reasons for being here are no less valid. We want to see the world, share one last crazy adventure before we get married, represent Poshley Heights and our alma mater, and test what we're capable of."_

"Speaking of Diamond City, remember Bobolink's resplendent ring?" Tally asked.

"It was gorgeous!" Deyn nodded. "I hope those two enjoy their honeymoon on Yo'ster Isle!"

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: 2****nd**** to Depart, 12:34 PM**

"I'm glad we witnessed their special night," Maude said warmly. "Marrymore is a close second to Paris in romantic proposal destinations, but to actually get married on the _Race_? What an incredible memory!"

"And they get to enjoy an extended vacation at Elimination Station to consum—errrr, celebrate their relationship upgrade!" Flo chirped. "I can't wait until our chicks start getting married!"

_"We're doing even better than we'd hoped," Maude said, "making careful decisions, reading our clues, and most importantly, having the time of our lives." _

"_We beat everyone on the superleg's main course." Flo said. "If we stay focused, one task at a time, I believe we'll soar to even greater heights!"_

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: 3****rd**** to Depart, 12:50 PM**

"This place is so sappy. Blech!" Goldy sulked as they drove past another well-wishing party. "All they're doing is shackling themselves to crazy!"

Grubba smirked.

_"Don't get confused, I'm still callin' all the shots," Grubba said. "That Roadblock that catapulted us to the front? I coulda done it just as quick. Top three's real nice, but I'm startin' to itch real bad for a win. Nothin' like the sweet an' savory taste of victory, nosiree! But I can't peak too early, else I won't have any left in the tank when it counts. I know I've got the smashin' good looks, but I ain't twenty no more!"_

* * *

**Love Field**

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Former Roommates**

The pink team arrived at Marrymore's airport, parked, and inquired inside at a ticketing counter.

"Good afternoon," Tally said. "We would like to fly to Diamond City—the earliest arrival possible."

"Alright." After some searching, the agent said, "Your best option is with Galaxy Airlines 321, departing at 12:16 AM."

"If that's the best, we'll take it," Deyn replied.

(TALLY &amp; DEYN: 1st on Flight 1)

"Everyone will probably make this flight," Tally noted.

* * *

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: 4****th**** to Depart, 1:12 PM**

"Our pocketbook's substantially fuller," Plenn commented. "Looks like a taxi leg."

"_Marrymore got me thinking," Thriff said. "We've both been married to our jobs for so long, settling down and starting a family kinda fell by the wayside."_

"_Yeah, ma and pa probably aren't too happy about that."_

"_I think we've positioned ourselves well, though. Handsome, stable entrepreneurs in the prime of their lives should be quite the catch."_

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: 5****th**** to Depart, 1:25 PM**

"Here's to another leg of memories." Podley toasted the air with a spare bandana. Beaming, Eve mimicked him.

_"We had a _long_ heart-to-heart during the pit stop," Podley said._

_ "Two legs in one made for an exhausting day," Eve said. "I'm perfectly happy in my marriage. But I foolishly repressed my feelings, and it took an inopportune breakdown for me to realize that. I've missed having you in my life—someone who understood the thespian part of me."_

_ "I've denied those feelings all this time too. Finally talking about everything feels like I've cleansed my soul. I've emerged from the darkness and can begin living anew."_

They motored by an outdoor ceremony where a couple just finished exchanging vows. Eve and Podley exchanged fond smiles before looking forward to the road ahead.

"_Communication is key to any relationship, friendship included," Podley said. "We won't make the same mistakes that ruined us back then."_

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: 6****th**** to Depart, 1:47 PM**  
**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: 7****th**** to Depart, 1:48 PM**

"Reunited at last!" Dupree sidled up to Crimson. "What say you, my rose-colored sweet? Shall we tie zee knot to 'onor our fallen comrades?"

"You…boarded the incorrect vehicle," Crimson said awkwardly. Drak glared at them.

"D-Man, come on!" Goom Goom shouted.

"_I'm cool with Swob and Bobbie leaving," Goom Goom said. "They always slowed us down, and Bobbie constantly messed with D-Man's head. At least Drak and Crims are smart and can help us."_

_ "You do know she will 'ear zis, honh?"_

_ "But I don't completely trust them either. They're creepy. I don't think they'd hesitate to backstab us."_

**GARF &amp; GUS: Last to Depart, 2:09 PM**

"Starting in last today," Gus said. "Time to claw our way back up."

_"Coming in, we thought we'd be the team to beat," Gus said. "But we're seriously struggling."_

_ "Everyone else has hobbies and jobs that help them in challenges," Garf said. "We never really had the opportunity to develop any useful skills."_

_ "Sheer grit and willpower's gonna have to cut it."_

"It's crazy that two teams left yesterday," Garf said. "Sucks that Arfur and Swindell got eliminated. They're good guys."

"Better them than us," Gus said.

"True."

* * *

A montage showed everyone purchasing tickets. With several hours remaining before their flight, the teams mingled around the terminal.

"Sounds like we missed Yes to the Dress versus Ace of Cakes," Deyn remarked.

"We definitely said no," Garf joked.

"We aced our cake," Plenn said. Gus rolled his eyes.

_"Our strategy to carry the Bob-ombs was disrupted," Crimson said. "Their minds were too easily ruled by fashion."_

_ "Emotion…" Drak corrected._

_ "Adaptability is one of our many strengths. The shepherds gladly enlist new sheep to lead to the slaughter."_

"Nice of you guys to split with us," Gus said. "We wouldn't have bought this overpriced Valentine's picnic ourselves."

The forest green, lime green, and gray teams were seated in an uncrowded bistro. Goom Goom eagerly scarfed down everyone's leftovers.

"But zis represents my love for you!" Dupree protested. Annoyed, Crimson broke the heart-shaped cookie in half.

"Now for business…" Drak said, ignoring Dupree's theatrics. "We propose an alliance between our three teams…"

"I thought we're alr—mmf!" Crimson silenced Goom Goom by shoving the cookie in his mouth.

"An alliance?" Garf looked intrigued. "Uh, okay. Is this like, revenge of the underdogs?"

"Underdogs…" Drak repeated distastefully. "Something to that effect…"

"Drak and I have struggled to acclimate to this modern world," Crimson said unconvincingly. "We would benefit learning from your acumen."

"Right," Gus said. He exchanged peripheral glances with Garf. "Sure. Count us in."

_"Out of nowhere, the skeletons rope us and the Casanovas into an alliance," Garf said. "It's super sketch. But I guess having others feeding us info and watching our backs for the Delay can't hurt our odds. We'll go along with it for now, even if we can't fully trust either of 'em."_

_ "Agreed," Gus said. "We'd be stupid to say no. We need something to turn our massive suckitude into success."_

"Birds of a feather really do flock together!" Maude chortled. "You're like our surrogate sons!"

"If you adopt us, will you teach us how to fly?" Garf asked.

"Yeah, no," Gus said.

The officers observed the Craws and Crows from afar.

_ "At the start line, we selected the blackbirds as another pawn," Crimson said. "Their language unveiling makes no difference. These three underperforming teams are our ideal endgame companions. By virtue of their burgeoning relationship, the brownbirds will likely bring the blackbirds into the fold without our interference."_

_ "Everything is coming together nicely…"_

* * *

"Diamond City's the origin of microgames," Thriff said. "Our inner gamers are hoping to get their game on!"

Footage showed all eight teams boarding the plane, followed by The Amazing Travel Line leaving the mainland.

"All teams are on the same flight to Diamond City," Miles narrated.

* * *

**Diamond City**

Smooth, snazzy music incorporating whistles and noisemakers played over expository shots of early morning Diamond City. Palm and cherry blossom trees lined the streets and pink sidewalks.

**Diamond International Airport**

Everyone disembarked from the plane and dashed through the airport.

"Gogogogogo!" "Where are the taxis?!" "_Caw caw caw caw_!" "Over here!" "Hurry, hurry!"

The Robbos hit the queue first.

"Club Sugar," Garf requested, "and step on it."

In rapid succession, the shamrock green, pink, lime green, lavender, violet, and gray teams claimed cabs.

"Nice job running the wrong way, Gridiot," Goldy said. "We're last out!"

One particular cab motored to the curb. The passenger side window lowered, revealing an orange bulldog and a yellow cat.

"Hyuk hyuk!" Grubba chukled. "Have a looksee at your color cousin, Goldeen!"

"Mreow?" Spitz cocked his head.

"MEORK!" Goldy angrily bounced onto Grubba's.

"Where to?" Dribble prompted as they piled in.

"Club Sugaaaaar!" Goldy shrieked. "We're in a race! You need to go fast!"

"Race? _Fast_?" Dribble's lip curled in a predatory grin. "I'm on it! Here we go!"

He revved the engine, shifted into gear, and roared off.

"HOO-WEEEEE!"

* * *

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Shop Owner Brothers**

"Looks like business is booming," Plenn commented. "Consumer culture at its finest."

Advertisements for microgames, Pizza Dinosaur, and E. Gadd-branded gadgets populated spaces between restaurant and retail signage.

"If this city weren't so inundated, it'd be cool managing a game store," Thriff said. "Or making our own games."

"No fella would play our games," Plenn joked. "Too much math."

"…I guess."

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Stay-at-Home Moms**

"All these metropolises have such distinct feels," Maude remarked. "This city is so vibrant and colorful!"

_"We couldn't anticipate going to dream worlds, Earth, or the past," Maude said, "but we studied what we could. Learned about landmarks, cultures, and popular activities. Still, there's no substitute for seeing and experiencing everything ourselves. We're so thankful to be here!"_

"Look!" Flo gestured with her beak. "A gold statue of that Wario man with the huge schnoz!"

Another taxi whizzed by.

"Who was that?" she squawked.

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Therapist/Patient**

"Yahoo!" Spitz cheered.

"Lookit this speed demon, workin' his magic!" Grubba hooted, clapping heartily. "That's the way to do it!"

"Vroom, vroom!" Dribble weaved through traffic and blazed through stale yellow lights, his passengers egging him on.

"You're insane!" Goldy hollered. "I like it! We're passing everyone!"

* * *

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Bachelors/Flatmates**

"Woohoo, going to the club!" Goom Goom exclaimed. "All I'm missing is my morning Star Café coffee, and I'm set!"

"I 'ope we 'ave more luck at zees club zan at 'ome!" Dupree said. "Maybe zee ladies at Club Sugar will give us some sugar?"

Their cabbie dropped them at a wooden hut with four oranges and a red guitar over its entrance. When they entered, several adorable puppies dropped their cleaning supplies and boogied over, yipping in greeting.

"Hey there!" Goom Goom laughed as the canines cavorted around to an unheard beat. "Guess this place isn't totally dead after hours. See the clue box, D-Man?"

"No." Dupree reread the clue. "Eet should be een 'ere."

Someone tapped him twice on the shoulder. Dupree turned. A tall tan man with a giant yellow afro, sunglasses, eighth note mustache, unbuttoned blue collared shirt, and white bell bottoms cocked his head.

"Yo! Out on the town?" Jimmy P. asked. "Little late to the party."

"Our day eez just beginneeng," Dupree said. "Zis eez Club Sugar, _oui_?"

"Sugar?" Jimmy P. struck a pose. "Club Spice is all about those spicy moves!"

"Spice? He took us to the wrong club!" Goom Goom realized. "Great."

The bachelors exited to locate another taxi. As the Legendary Dog Dancers returned to cleaning, one powered on a boombox.

"Feels right to me," Jimmy P. mused.

* * *

**Club Sugar**

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

The gold team's taxi screeched to a halt outside the correct building.

"Stick around!" Goldy yelled as she bounded out. "We might need you again!"

"Nice," Spitz purred. "Remembered to collect the fare this time."

"Progress!" Dribble thumped his chest.

Synthesized instrumentals and syncopated basslines pounded through the club. With a disco ball and spotlights shining overhead and flashing tiles shimmering underfoot, ten cool cats collectively shimmied some choreography.

"Aw, consarn it!" Grubba shouted upon seeing the clue box. "A tag team turnbuckle!"

(_~*TAR*~_)

"It's an Intersection," Miles corrected. "Here, teams must complete tasks in two-team units until further notice."

**INTERSECTION**

Fourteen adorable kitties boogied to the beat. Leading the performance was a tall pale man with a giant blue afro, sunglasses, eighth note mustache, unbuttoned red collared shirt, and white bell bottoms.

"Without any guidance, Intersected teams must memorize an ongoing minute-long disco routine being performed by the Legendary Cat Dancers. Check out those smooth moves!"

**ROUTE INFO  
Feline Fever**

"When the cats change out to grab some milk, teams can jump in and get down! If they sell their performance and shake it in sync to the satisfaction of local disco maniac Jimmy T., they'll receive their next clue."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"Which laggin' slowpokes are we makin' a truce with?" Grubba crossed his arms.

"It better be Dupree!" Goldy eyed the task judge. "That guy's wearing the same ridiculous getup. We'd pass, first try, for sure!"

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently in 2****nd**** Place  
GARF &amp; GUS: Currently in 3****rd**** Place**

The Rogueport teams entered the club in a dead heat, Thriff edging into the lead in the last moments. Belatedly, all four noticed the Intersection sign.

"And we have a winner!" Grubba boomed. "Toadies, we're signin' you onto the champion's roster!"

Plenn exchanged fiery looks with Gus. "Fine by us."

As the duos moved off to open their clue, Gus stomped his foot.

"Crud!" he fumed. "Now we're stuck waiting for someone!"

"We have willing allies somewhere behind us," Garf said.

"Forget allies," Gus said, glaring daggers into Plenn's head. "I want someone who'll kick some Toad butt!"

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently in 4****th**** Place**

"It's a discotheque!" Tally exclaimed. "What authentic retro style!"

"Tal, look! Kitties!" Deyn gasped delightedly.

"You were saying?" Garf said.

"As long as they can dance," Gus said, rolling his eyes. "Hey, girls! You're with us!"

"_The princesses and the paupers," Garf drawled._

"_The Posh and the peasants," Gus echoed. "They're from a whole different world. Endlessly peppy and so sickeningly sweet it's hard to dislike them. As long as they helped us lay the smackdown on the Toad Brothers Bizarre in a dance battle—that's all that mattered!"_

Standing at adjacent corners of the dance floor, the Intersected teams watched the cats show their moves. Deyn mimicked them and goaded her partners into doing the same.

"Hands on your knees, hands on your knees!" Deyn chanted. "Loser sign, loser sign! Come on, guys! Best way to learn!"

"Fine, fine." Gus made the loser gesture and faced Plenn and Thriff. After several beats, Goldy noticed and stuck her tongue out.

"Must we lapse into such juvenile behavior?" Tally sighed.

"I'm just practicing." Still holding the sign, Gus had fallen several moves behind.

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 5****th**** Place**

"I hear music in the air," Eve noted as they exited their cab. "There's a party somewhere!"

The former thespians rejoiced upon seeing Club Sugar's interior.

"A bona fide _Disco Inferno_ challenge!" Podley joked.

"This really takes me back." Letting her hair down, Eve improvised a retro hustle over to the box. "Oh, an Intersection."

"Everyone's observing the dancers. I bet if we memorize those moves, we'll have a leg up."

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 6****th**** Place**

"Eyesore…" Drak muttered, shielding his face from all the flashing lights. "Is this a torture chamber…?"

"A time capsule," Podley said. "Jump in line, and we'll show you the magic of disco."

**FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently in 7****th**** Place**

"Another Intersection," Maude said. "Everyone's here but Team Bachelor."

"Well that works out nicely!" Flo chirped. "Dupree's disco personified! We can catch up."

The seven teams attempted following along to the routine, with varying degrees of success.

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA + PLENN &amp; THRIFF**

"Tiptoe freeze, leaning backwards, and rocking?" Thriff repeated. "How does that even work? They make it look so easy."

"I don't lookit, but I'm more flexible than a yoga teacher!" Grubba bragged. He held the pose for a second before losing his balance and face-planting.

"Looks like the hardest move," Plenn said. Thriff tried to help Grubba up, but due to the weight differential, he simply got pulled down.

"But it's not super-important!" Goldy pointed out exasperatedly. "It's for like, two seconds, and that's it!"

"We need to nail everything, or else we won't pass," Plenn said.

"Meork! You're all over-complicating this!" Goldy griped. "It's so easy!"

"Says the one with the easiest choreography," Plenn responded. Spotting Gus making the loser sign again, Plenn huffed in frustration.

**GARF &amp; GUS + TALLY &amp; DEYN**

"Thrill-er~! Three, four!" Deyn chanted, shuffling sideways. "To the right, three, four! Left! And right! Great! You guys, I think we're getting it!"

"Splendid!" Tally swept her hair back. "Shall we try following along with them once in full?"

"Hey, I just realized something," Garf said. "We're watching them dance from the front. Shouldn't we be doing the moves, uh…mirrored?"

"…Right, 'cause we're replacing them when we perform," Gus said. "Shoot."

"Can't believe we didn't think about that sooner," Deyn said. "Good catch, Garf."

"Great. Now we have to re-learn everything," Gus said.

"No big, we're just flipping our left and right," Deyn said.

"I don't know if I can do that on the fly," Garf said.

"Would it help if we practiced from behind them?" Tally suggested. "That way, we'll see everything from the correct orientation."

"Definitely." Gus nodded. "Let's do it."

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON + EVE &amp; PODLEY **

Unlike the others, the gray and lavender teams were no longer watching the cats. Instead, Drak and Crimson followed their personal instructors.

"Shimmy those hips!" Eve demonstrated, including the alternating arm movements. Robotically, the officers imitated her and Podley in time to the music. "That's it! Good job! Then repeat once more, the exact same sequence. Very good!"

_"Learning choreography was basically part of our lifeblood for years," Eve said._

_ "With those simple moves, we picked up the routine in two run-throughs, max," Podley said. "I think there were only six or seven unique ones in the entire thing."_

"Count in four!" Eve said, tapping her right foot. "Now, three hip thrusts and a skidding stop to the right!"

_"Crimson and Drak were very fast learners, which helped tremendously," Eve said._

_ "They benefitted from an amazing teacher," Podley said. Before Eve could protest, he continued, "The complete package can sing, act, and dance. It's a plus when all that talent is instilled in someone who can tutor others as well."_

"I think we are ready," Crimson said.

"Once more from the top," Eve said, shaking her head.

"Let's try it without calling out the moves," Podley said. "Make sure everyone's got it."

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM: Currently in Last Place**

Jimmy T. wiped away his milk mustache. He was near the clue box when the final team arrived.

"What the… Didn't we just meet?" Goom Goom asked.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Jimmy T. replied, giving Dupree an indecipherable look.

"Finally, you're here!" Flo said.

"Honh? My sweet sparrows 'ave been waiteeng?" Dupree asked.

"We have a lot of catching up to do," Maude said. "How fast can you pick up dance moves?"

Dupree looked shaken. "Dance?"

"Here, we'll show you what we've memorized," Maude said.

"But we know you're in your element," Flo added. "We'll try to keep up!"

"Uh," Goom Goom said helpfully. Dupree gulped.

_"I dress like zees, but I am not zee discophile," Dupree said. "I simply like zee clothes. Zee flashy, colorful outfit eez zee easiest way to be noticed. But in zee club, unfortunately my gangly, uncoordinated leembs get me noticed for all zee wrong reasons."_

The spotlights happily danced around the lime green and violet teams tangled together in an undignified heap. Face flushing in embarrassment, Dupree got off his Intersected partners and helped them to their feet.

"What just happened?" Maude asked dazedly.

"I, ah, msut 'ave gotten distracted," Dupree laughed airily. Goom Goom looked at him pointedly. "I 'ope I didn't bruise zose delicate leetle bodies!"

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON + EVE &amp; PODLEY: 1****st**** Attempt**

"Alright. Let's do it," Podley said.

During the lull between songs, the foursome claimed their spot as front-line dancers on the floor. Mewing encouragement, ten backup cats fell into formation. Crimson awkwardly lifted her right arm and extended her index finger for the opening pose.

"Relax and have fun," Eve said, smiling. Crimson nodded jerkily.

Staccato trumpet notes boomed over the speakers, counting them in. Mechanically, Crimson cycled through the motions. She crouched down, hands on her knees, and jerked on her heels. Beside her, Eve and Podley were the living embodiments of _Saturday Night Fever_.

_"I thought little of it at first," Crimson said, "but dance is…oddly enjoyable. Equally as a participant and an observer. I suppose it must bear certain intrinsic qualities to have existed even longer than I. A pity I never tried it before."_

Near the end of the song, Drak started the full-body twenty-count wave in the wrong direction, but everyone, cats included, adjusted. The vertical line flattened back to the original arrangement, and the racers struck their ending pose.

"Ooh, baby! You two," Jimmy T. said, indicating Eve and Podley, "were far out. I've never seen anyone shake it like that! But you," he pointed to Drak and Crimson, "where's the passion? You've gotta sell it, you feel me? Feel that funk in your bones!"

"Our bones contain no such substance and we are devoid of emotions…" Drak said. "We cannot feel…"

"That can't be true," Eve said as they vacated the floor.

"Fake it then," Podley said. "Exaggerate your movements. Vary your facial expression. If the technical content is there, all you have to do is _perform_."

"Show us," Crimson requested.

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA + PLENN &amp; THRIFF: 1****st**** Attempt**

Compared to the preceding display, the next was an unpolished mess. The men flubbed several moves with improperly placed appendages, while Goldy constantly lagged a beat behind. Halfway into the song, the music abruptly shut off. Droning, disapproving meows came from the audience.

"What the hey?" Grubba protested. "We were findin' our groove!"

**GARF &amp; GUS + TALLY &amp; DEYN: 1****st**** Attempt**

"Turn!" Deyn directed. "And shimmy, shimmy, shimmy-shimmy-shimmy!"

Despite some mishaps, like the Toads colliding while getting in line for the wave, the third performance wasn't interrupted. The symmetrical ending pose featured Gus and Tally standing back-to-back, arms crossed, and Garf and Deyn laying on the floor.

"Looking good," Jimmy T. said. "Add a bit more funk, and it'll be great!"

"We all messed up a couple of times there," Garf said. "But we're definitely close."

"That's the spirit!" Deyn nodded. "A bit more practice, and we'll be on our way!"

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM + FLO &amp; MAUDE: 1****st**** Attempt**

"Let's try it once," Maude insisted, "to gauge our progress."

Dupree nervously took one of the inner positions, just off-center from Jimmy T.'s usual spot. Twenty beats in and two moves ahead, he spectacularly crashed into Flo and caused an unbelievable domino reaction with the backup dancers.

"Oh my gosh. Is there a description worse than two left feet? Because it's you," Flo complained, squirming out from under Dupree.

"Just, ouch," Jimmy T. said.

"_Meow, meow_. (Should've used the trapdoor on that guy.)" One of the observing cats waved a paw in front of its nose.

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON + EVE &amp; PODLEY: 2****nd**** Attempt**

"Enjoy yourself," Eve reminded. "Disco is supposed to be fun."

Returning to the floor, the gray team upped its execution. Crimson took her peers' coaching to heart, genuinely appearing to enjoy even the goofier-looking moves. Drak unhinged his joints, making him look especially loose. Their extra efforts, plus Eve and Podley's consistency, earned them a celebratory jingle and an especially flashy disco ball display.

"Now that's what I'm talking about!" Jimmy T. reached into his afro and produced two envelopes.

"Of course the oldies beast the disco challenge," Gus muttered.

"Bravo! Good job, everyone!" Podley said.

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON + EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently Tied for 1****st**** Place**

While the exes headed outside, the cousins planted themselves close to their bachelor allies. Unfortunately, Dupree and Goom Goom weren't paying attention and couldn't hear the officers' low-pitched voices over the music.

"Detour," Crimson announced. "Buns or Books."

(_~*TAR*~_)

"The newly un-Intersected teams are returning into the intersection of some of the zaniest characters across the Marioverse," Miles said. "Or, I guess, Warioverse. Two prominent WarioWare employees have invited teams into the fold of their vastly differing hobbies. **Buns** or **Books**? It's their call!"

**DETOUR  
Buns or Books**

_*TAR*_

Redheaded high school student, scooter rider, and part-time job juggler Mona and her businessdog boss, Manager Joe, handcrafted baozi.

"This humble street stand achieved instant popularity throughout Diamond City for its delicious steamed buns!"

Right on cue, the camera panned over to martial artists Master Mantis and Young Cricket voraciously snarfing down the contents of a bamboo steamer set.

"Delivery isn't normally a part of its business model, but for today only, teams will help Mona out by bringing **Buns** to eager consumers."

Rapid shots showed Mona's elephant, pig, and monkey scampering through the streets carrying bamboo steamers.

"On foot, each team must take orders to five different nearby addresses and collect receipts as proof of delivery. They'll then return to the stand and exchange all five receipts for their next clue."

_*TAR*_

Twin-tailed teenage witch Ashley sat in a rocking chair, reading a heavy-looking tome. Her assistant imp, Red, cheerfully flipped through a picture book.

"On this Diamond City property lies the mansion of the creepies—" Ashley _glared_ into the camera, eyes glowing. "—errr, coolest girl you'll ever meet! Hahaha… (Please don't kill me.)"

The lights suddenly died. Ashley and Red's visible eyes blinked.

"Ashley's vast magical library contains a trove of arcane magical knowledge that she has yet to explore. Searching by candlelight, teams must search the **Books** for a certain spellbook. Red keeps the place well-organized, so unless they're afraid of the dark, they've got nothing to worry about!"

An unseen creature roared.

(_~*TAR*~_)

"Books seems to contain an element of luck," Crimson said doubtfully.

"We boast phenomenal night vision…" Drak argued. "Weigh one simple objective against five more complex tasks… The decision is self-evident…"

"Fine. I am as zealous a bibliophile as any."

Outside, Eve and Podley had returned to their waiting cab.

"You know where Park Street is? Perfect." Podley sat back. "All that dancing worked up an appetite. Shame that we're delivering instead of devouring food."

A quick montage showed the remaining Intersected teams failing their second attempts. Despite additional practice, Dupree demonstrated minimal improvement.

**GARF &amp; GUS + TALLY &amp; DEYN: 3****rd**** Attempt**

"Hold! Jump!" Deyn called out. By now, all four were reciting the movements, but her voice was the loudest.

Jamming in unison and pulling off the wave, the forest green and pink teams received applause and envelopes from Jimmy T. They exchanged high-fives all around. Gus smirked over at Plenn, who muttered under his breath.

**GARF &amp; GUS + TALLY &amp; DEYN: Currently Tied for 3****rd**** Place**

"Ladies, a pleasure working with you," Garf said.

"Now back to our regularly scheduled racing to overtake each other," Tally said, opening the clue.

"Exactly," Gus said, doing likewise.

Independently choosing Buns, both teams raced outside. Tally and Deyn hopped into their taxi and sped off.

"Did our cabbie not stick around?" Garf asked.

"What does it take to get good help these days?" Gus complained. "Can any of you guys take us?"

"Business? We're open! Hop in!" Dribble motioned toward his cab.

The twins grew nervous upon seeing Spitz, but did so.

"Of all the days to not land one with the glass separator," Garf said. Oblivious, Spitz began licking the backs of his paws.

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA + PLENN &amp; THRIFF: 4****th**** Attempt**

Courtesy of Goldy, another performance ended prematurely. Plenn and Thriff were starting to look especially frustrated.

"We'll get it in round five!" Grubba exclaimed.

_"All Goldy had to do was turn her body and jump to the music," Plenn said. "After all that harping on how easy the moves were, her holding us back really rubbed us the wrong way."_

* * *

**Park Street**

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: 0/5 Deliveries**

After paying their cabbie, the exes dashed over to a modest-looking food stall with Chinese lattice designs. Mona, wearing a stylish red _cheongsam_ and her hair in a ponytail, greeted them.

"Here to make some deliveries?" Mona asked. "Right on!"

"Those smell amazing," Eve said.

"It _is_ breakfast time," Podley said. "These will surely make your customers happy."

Mona handed them their list. Below each street address was an order of five baozi baskets and associated sauces. A laminated guide in the work area matched stickers on each steamer's bottom to the contents' baozi filling.

\- brown: barbeque pork  
\- red: red bean paste  
\- green: vegetables w/ stir-fried egg  
\- yellow: radishes  
\- blue: spicy pork

"These are stackable, thankfully," Podley said, "but it'll still take two or three trips."

"As long as we can get it done," Eve said.

Referencing the guide, they gathered the correct steamers for their first address and stacked the containers into a cylindrical bamboo tower. The upper and lower rims interlocked in a fashion that imparted stability, and only required the topmost steamer to have a lid. Eve arranged the complementary sauce cups within the lid's ridge.

"I suppose we'll discover momentarily if this works or not," she said.

Repeating the process, they created another mini-tower for their second order. Podley lifted it off the table and carefully placed it in Eve's hands before taking the first one himself.

"Can you handle those?" Podley asked.

"Mm-hm. It's burdensome, but not too heavy. I'll let you know if I need help."

"Alright. Now all we need are directions."

* * *

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM + FLO &amp; MAUDE: 8****th**** Attempt**

Once again, the music aborted early. Although he'd stopped crashing into his partners, Dupree was still the group's clear weak link.

"_Pardon_, _pardon_! I keep blankeeng," he blubbered.

"Don't freeze though, Dupree!" Goom Goom said exasperatedly. "At least keep moving! Look over at someone to jog your memory or something."

"I 'ate disappointeeng such patient petunias!" Dupree said. "I am really tryeeng my best!"

"We know, Dupree," Maude replied, sighing. Flo mirrored her nods, looking somewhat flustered. "Just…keep improving. We'll get it."

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA + PLENN &amp; THRIFF: 9****th**** Attempt**

"One-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight!" Plenn and Thriff chanted. "One-two-three-four—!"

"Stop counting!" Goldy screeched. "I'm no dummy! I can count to eight!"

"One-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight!" Grubba joined in gleefully.

"MEORK!"

Regardless of whether or not Goldy actually needed the guidance, the quartet finally performed to Jimmy T.'s satisfaction and received clearance to proceed.

"_Caw caw caw caw_! (_Sub_.: It's official.)" Flo said. "(_Sub_.: The Intersection is my least favorite twist.)"

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA + PLENN &amp; THRIFF: Currently Tied for 5****th**** Place**

Not acknowledging the newly disbanded partnership, the Toad Brothers declared their intentions with Buns and were on their way. Meanwhile, the therapist-patient pair lagged behind, bickering over their choice.

"I'm good at finding things in dark places!" Goldy protested.

"Isn't that cute?" Grubba chuckled to the camera, as if sharing an inside joke. "Hate to break you that stone cold truth pard, but we gotta pick 'em smart fer both our strengths. I ain't about to stub a toe stumblin' 'round some lightless library. Seein' is believin', and I sure won't be able to!"

"Maybe you would if you took off those stupid sunglasses for once! Meork! You always disagree with what I want!"

"I'm simply pourin' yer daily servin' of reality juice. Now let's— What the hey? Where'd our taxi traipse off to?"

"Huh?"

They scanned the empty curb. Goldy's face scrunched in frustration.

"Seriously? Those guys ran away after I told them to stay?"

"Dog my cats! Here I thought you yellows had a real connection!"

"Hush!"

After a few minutes, they flagged down another taxi.

"We're off to flex some buns deliverin' some Buns!" Grubba shook his…gluteal muscles. Goldy side-eyed him.

"That doesn't even make any sense!"

* * *

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Distant Cousins**

"This is a much further jaunt than we had envisioned," Crimson said.

"Then we are committed…" Drak said. "No sense in vacillating on our course…"

Eventually, their destination came into view. Ensconced in a property-wide bubble of forbidding gloom, the mansion defied the morning sunlight and glared at the world with glowing, eyelike windows.

**Ashley's Mansion**

"Hold your position…" Drak ordered the driver. "We cannot waste time searching for another if you desert us…"

They raced up the unkempt lawn to the surprisingly normal modern oak door and followed _Race_ arrows to the personal library. Rustic candle chandeliers mutedly illuminated the towering bookcases' top shelves. Ashley received them by the entryway, expression neutral. On the other hand, Red was all smiles as he lit a pair of candles.

"Are you the owner of this cultured mansion?" Crimson asked, accepting the antique brass holder.

After a measured moment Ashley replied, "I live here." She pulled some spare parchment from the shadows, jotted a book's name, and handed it to Crimson. "Here's your assignment. I've been searching for this one for ages. Red doesn't organize by the Dewey Decimal System, so it won't be easy."

The officers stared blankly.

"The what? …Is this system some form of modern mathematics?" Crimson asked.

Ashley waved them off, looking unimpressed.

" '_Small Object Transmutation for Teens_, Volume V,' " Crimson read. " 'Authors and publication date unknown.' It must be a multi-volume collection by various spellcasters. Once we spot the series, we should find our target."

They began scanning the shelves. Each tome contained at least five hundred pages, creating thick spines that displayed titles in varying text sizes and orientations.

"This is ridiculous," Crimson suddenly snapped. Her candle flickered. "Are these books even organized in any meaningful way?"

"Imprudently, by subject matter…" Drak said. "A chaotic scheme that could only be the work of a true demon…"

Tiptoeing behind them, Red fluttered his lashes for the camera.

* * *

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: 1/5 Deliveries**

"Down two blocks and second complex on the right?" Podley repeated. "Got it, thanks."

They trotted down the sidewalk, their second order divided between them.

_"We worked some odd jobs as aspiring actors," Podley said. "I made connections I needed to open my juice bar as a quintessential bartender. Even before that, I spent some time as a restaurant deliveryman. You could say I had a well-rounded exploration of the service sector!"_

"These streets and houses are clearly marked," Podley narrated. "Navigating is, thankfully, the easy part."

Arriving at the designated apartment, they delivered the bao. Podley stuffed the receipt into his pant pocket.

"Please enjoy!" Eve waved as the door closed. "Now back to the dumpling stand."

**TALLY &amp; DEYN: 0/5 Deliveries**

"Love your dress," Deyn said, making conversation with Mona as Tally loaded her arms with steamers.

_"Small food businesses are my passion!" Deyn said. "I know what operating out of a tiny food stand is like. They were getting all my effort, and then some!"_

"This street is a dead end, not a T-junction." Tally narrowly averted losing her cargo as she strained to reread the Route Info with her full hands. "Did we confuse our directions?"

"Nope, followed 'em to the letter. The downsides of depending on locals," Deyn said.

**GARF &amp; GUS: 0/5 Deliveries**

"Oh man, all this smells amazing," Garf enthused. "I don't know how I'll stand having these constantly in front of my face. I'm already salivating!"

"If we weren't so broke, we'd take some for the road," Gus said.

"Gus, check it out! These have barbecue pork!"

A couple minutes after the twins left with two orders, the exes returned.

"What do you think? Are we capable of taking the last three in one trip?" Podley asked. "If I go slow, I can carry two sets with—"

"We'll split them, seven-eight," Eve interrupted. "And we won't mix up the dipping sauces."

_"That would've been an affront to my waitressing days," she giggled._

* * *

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM + FLO &amp; MAUDE: 13****th**** Attempt**

"Come on, guys!" Maude crowed. "Get down! Get funky!"

Dupree got down, alright, with an ill-timed trip that felled two backup dancers. By now, everyone was looking very discouraged.

"Can you try taking your shoes off or something?" Flo asked.

"_He's got the 'fro, the sequin jacket, the bell bottoms," Flo listed, "but not the moves. C'mon Dupree! You're dressed for disco, but you've got no rhythm! What gives?"_

_"We could feel ourselves falling further and further behind," Maude said. "It was scary. Dupree and Goom Goom had several brushes with elimination, but repeatedly came out on top. If possible, we _really_ wanted to avoid forcing a showdown with them."_

Attempt sixteen saw Flo and Goom Goom introduce smaller errors in addition to Dupree's glaring ones. Flo let fly an expletive before sheepishly covering her beak.

_"Frustratingly, the longer we stayed, the more frantic I got," Flo said. "I was starting to make mistakes I hadn't been before."_

By attempt twenty, the cats needed to take five and grab some milk.

"Maybe we should consider taking a penalty," Goom Goom said.

"Absolutely not an option," Flo said immediately. "This isn't cutting a log with a two-man saw; this is doable for all of us."

"We'll stay here all day if we have to, but we're going to finish," Maude said. "Right?"

"Zat is what eez most important," Dupree said, nodding. Goom Goom sighed, but relented.

_"It would've been so easy to fall into despair," Goom Goom said, "but the moms kept such positive energy that we always believed the next try would succeed."_

"Draw on that same persistence you use to, uh…" Maude coached.

"Find love?" Dupree supplied.

"Sure. That. Exactly!"

As the opening beats pounded over the dance floor, Dupree glanced upward to the disco ball. Something finally clicked for him as he injected confidence and musicality he hadn't displayed before and kept his missteps to a minimum. It was enough. The Legendary Cat Dancers applauded as Jimmy T. finally produced two clues. Shrieking happily, Flo pulled her teammates and as many cats as she could into a group hug.

"Zee power of love finally conquers!" Dupree exclaimed.

**DUPREE &amp; GOOM GOOM + FLO &amp; MAUDE: Currently Tied for 7****th**** Place**

"Good luck, guys," Maude called out as she and Flo scurried out.

"Yeah, you too," Goom Goom responded. "Shoot. If they can Fast Forward, we're done for."

To the flatmates' great relief, the envelope held only the Detour.

"Buns or Books." Upon scanning the former's description, Dupree looked disappointed.

"We're way behind," Goom Goom reminded. "What do you think?"

"I zeenk eet eez time to play follow zee leader!"

Goom Goom blinked, not comprehending. "What. This is no time for games, D-Man! And besides, for all we know, the leaders already checked into—"

"No, no, you take me too literal!" Dupree hand-waved. "Eet eez simple. We keep zem in our sights. And zen we overtake zem on zee last 'eat!"

"Because we can outrun them," Goom Goom nodded. "I like it. Let's do it!"

Meanwhile, the Crows debated their options while trying to flag down taxis.

"Delivery versus a possible needle-in-the-haystack," Maude mused. "It's a tricky choice."

"The leg's still young," Flo reasoned. "Let's play to our strengths and avoid exhausting ourselves."

Maude agreed. The bachelors exited Club Sugar, and both teams claimed cabs around the same time.

"Follow zat taxi!" Dupree directed.

* * *

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Distant Cousins**

After they'd finished scouring the bottom shelves, the officers climbed up one of the library's rolling ladders. Drak stood on the top rungs, searching the upper levels, while Crimson scanned the middle.

"How anyone locates anything in this mess is beyond me," Crimson muttered. She descended, pushed the ladder to the next bookcase, and returned to her perch.

_"Undead creatures are inexorably linked to dark magic…" Drak said. "We owe our very existence to the arcane arts… I dabbled in primitive sorcery over the centuries to no ill effect… But mortals risk innumerable hazards channeling such destructive energies… This witch was no ordinary girl…"_

Ashley impassively observed them, expression flat.

"At last, a section specifically for transmutation," Crimson said. "Our target must be near at hand."

Sure enough, Crimson soon extracted Volume V from its brethren. She alerted Drak and jumped down to hand the book to Ashley.

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

"Tell me… What manner of witchcraft do you practice…?" Drak inquired.

"That's none of your business," Ashley said, glancing past him to an out-of-place flowerpot on the windowsill.

"Exactly. Focus on ours." Crimson shoved her candleholder at Drak, freeing her hands to open the clue. " 'Travel by taxi to I-310 Gaming—' "

(_~*TAR*~_)

A helmet-wearing boy and his tall, boom box-toting friend waved their handheld game consoles at the camera.

"Superior taste in classic and contemporary gaming is exemplified by elementary schoolers and huge Nintendo fans 9-Volt and 18-Volt!" Miles narrated. "Teams are headed to one of their favorite haunts: the great gaming store on I-310!"

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: Interstate 310 Gaming**

Sitting in the shadow of a giant Toy Express was a surprisingly modest building with a simplified NES controller as its overhead sign. A friendly familiar face set a Question Block on the counter.

"Shop Manager Iwata will point teams in the right direction. Thank you, sir!"

(_~*TAR*~_)

Drak blew out the candles and dropped the holders on an end table. They returned to their taxi.

"We searched as methodically and efficiently as we could, given the parameters," Crimson said. "Now to see if our decision and execution produce results."

* * *

**GOLDY &amp; GRUBBA: 0/5 Deliveries**

"The Horde always orders in pizza, but I've never heard of dumpling delivery," Goldy said. "That's a new one."

"Well…" Mona glanced askance at a nearby Pizza Dinosaur franchise. "Let's just say this is the safer option."

"Safer than searching for books?" Goldy said, misunderstanding. "Ain't that the truth!"

Mona's monkey snickered. Grubba guffawed.

"I can't carry any of that stuff. Shocker," Goldy said, glancing at the steamer stacks. "Guess I'm the navigator. Great."

"Lead the way!" Grubba shot the camera a knowing look as he easily hoisted an order in each hand.

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: 0/5 Deliveries**

"We've got a small lead on Team Rehab," Plenn reported. "Let's keep it."

Thriff balanced a ten-steamer tower while Plenn—hands occupied by one order and vest pockets loaded with sauce containers—dealt with directions.

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: 4/5 Deliveries  
GARF &amp; GUS: 2/5 Deliveries  
TALLY &amp; DEYN: 2/5 Deliveries**

Split-screen shots showed the emptyhanded twins returning to the stall, the friends making a delivery, and the exes en route to one. Podley knocked on an apartment door and handed the tenant his order.

"That's a vegetarian, two each of barbecue and spicy pork," Eve rattled off, "and some light soy sauce, garlic paste, black vinegar, and sriracha vinegar. Everything correct? Wonderful. Enjoy your breakfast!"

They raced back to the dumpling stand, passing Garf and Gus who were laden with two more orders. Mona verified the receipts before forking over the clue.

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

"A lot of teams are right behind us." Podley noted the momentarily deserted backpacks behind the stall. "We should hurry and find another taxi."

* * *

**Interstate 310 Gaming**

**DRAK &amp; CRIMSON: Currently in 1****st**** Place**

Just as the gray team passed into the unassuming store's threshold, something jolted them to a stop.

"What is this power…?" Drak muttered.

"You sense that as well?" Crimson whispered.

"Yes… World-building energy far exceeding that of Her Majesty… What being commands such influence…?"

Shaken, the duo quickly reconnoitered the interior. Aside from the manager and two kids who were playing on a NES, they were alone. Forcibly disguising their unease, they approached the counter. Shop Manager Iwata smiled welcomingly and presented them a picture clue of three NES boxarts: _Ninja Gaiden_, _Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles_, and _Shadow of the Ninja_.

(_~*TAR*~_)

Rapid shots arrived at a multi-tiered dojo with a hip-and-gable roof.

"Using these unsubtle hints, teams must figure out that their next destination is the city's ninja training ground: Diamond Dojo."

**ROUTE INFO  
Proceed to: Diamond Dojo**

Sakura-, bamboo-, and bonsai-themed _fusuma_ slid apart in rapid succession, exposing the room with the clue box.

"Here, teams will find their next clue!"

(_~*TAR*~_)

"All three share the word 'ninja,' " Crimson immediately pointed out. "Perhaps that relates to our destination."

They hurried out and relayed the hint to their cabbie, who proposed Diamond Dojo as a possibility.

"A satisfactory solution… Proceed…" Once they pulled away from the curb, Drak glanced rearward at the store. "That was…unexpected…"

"We were in the presence of someone great. That is all I know."

* * *

**PLENN &amp; THRIFF: 3/5 Deliveries**

Hurrying along with their last two orders, the shamrock green team spotted their rivals a half-block away.

"Look who we found," Plenn said. "Let's catch 'em."

"Plenn, seriously? There's no need to— Hey! Plenn, where're you going?!"

**GARF &amp; GUS: 4/5 Deliveries**

"Don't look now, but the Toads found us," Garf said.

"Pretty sure they're eating our dust," Gus replied, shifting the five steamers in his hands.

"I'd rather eat these buns," Plenn said. "You can have _our_ dust."

"Crud!"

Plenn aggressively speed-walked past them. Gus quickly recovered and matched his pace. Sparks flying between them, they kept upping the ante until they'd reached a near-sprint.

"Gus, hold on!" Garf shouted, to no avail. "That's the wrong way!"

"Come on, bro!" "Yeah, bro, keep up!"

_"I dunno what Plenn's beef is," Garf said. "Rogueport's a hotbed for grey and gray morality. If you aren't involved in shady dealings, you're doing 'em in broad daylight." He paused thoughtfully. "What I _do _know is that whenever they're around, Gus gets insanely motivated. In a weird way, they're pushing us to do better, which is good."_

"This doesn't look right," Gus said. "Where the heck are we?"

"Looks like we've gone and gotten ourselves lost," Plenn said.

The pair exchanged awkward glances before splitting in opposite directions.

"Why'd you run off like that?" Garf asked once he'd caught up.

"That sneaky shopkeeper totally did that on purpose," Gus grumbled.

* * *

**EVE &amp; PODLEY: Currently in 2****nd**** Place**

The former actors thanked Shop Manager Iwata for the movie poster-sized picture compilation. He gave no feedback to their speculation, so they turned to the shop's other occupants.

"Excuse me, dears," Eve said. "We're not very familiar with video games. Do you two know anything about these?"

"What they might share in common with this city?" Podley added.

9-Volt quickly handed his controller off to 18-Volt before looking up at the pair.

"They're classic games for the Nintendo Entertainment System about ninjas!" 9-Volt thought for a moment. "My friends Kat and Ana are real-life ninjas! They said they'd be at Diamond Dojo today for a special event."

"Diamond Dojo," Eve repeated. "Thanks so much, you've been very helpful. Have fun!"

"You too!" 18-Volt called out.

* * *

**~END OF FINISHED STORY~**

* * *

Tally/Deyn, Garf/Gus, and Plenn/Thriff are next to finish Buns, but Tally/Deyn are forced to locate a new taxi to proceed to I-310 Gaming. Meanwhile, Flo/Maude arrive at Ashley's Mansion and are right at home, while Dupree/Goom Goom immediately catch Ashley's ire.

Eve/Podley reach Diamond Dojo and find the Roadblock ("Who is sure they can?"), which entails hitting five targets from five meters away with shuriken, and then coaxing summoned ninjutsu turtles to their feeding area. Podley steps up to pitch, with Drak arriving shortly afterward and demonstrating fast proficiency.

Goldy/Grubba complete Buns. Flo/Maude locate their assigned book without needing candles, leaving Goom Goom bemoaning Dupree's strategy. Plenn/Thriff geek out at I-310 Gaming.

Drak compares himself to a ninja leader as he completes the Roadblock and receives Route Info to the Blue Elephant Building, this leg's Pit Stop. Podley nails the shuriken portion as Plenn (with a terrible shoryuken/shuriken pun), Garf, and Deyn start. Tally fingers her coin card, concerned, but evades probing from Thriff. Podley and Eve are pit stop-bound.

Drak/Crimson arrive at the Blue Elephant Building, only to find one last obstacle (All Mixed Up): a 100-floor elevator ascent requiring both team members to wield a Form Baton and, alternating floors, complete microgames with only eight shared lives, restoration of one every ten floors, and a forced restart if a team drops to zero. Unfamiliar with some modern activities intrinsic to many microgames' concepts, they struggle, all the while voicing displeasure at the ridiculous Form poses and even more ridiculous actions.

Grubba brags about some forever-ago ninja training as his first shuriken lands true, while Garf edges out Plenn to receive the clue. Grubba overtakes Deyn to leave in fifth. Tally drops the news that they can't afford a taxi, due to the Intersection pay-to-pass back in Leg 5.1. She is emotionally unprepared for begging on the streets, leaving Deyn working overtime to gather the funds they need.

Drak/Crimson switch off their higher-level thinking and reflexively follow the onscreen orders, drastically improving their performance. Eve/Podley tackle the steep learning curve, largely unaffected when several romance-themed microgames appear. Hot on the twins' heels and smarting from his recent Roadblock defeat, Plenn recalls the Leg 2 Coffee Break showdown and vows not to lose again on his home turf. He and Thriff enjoy reawakening their childhood passion and ride their gaming intuition to their second first-place finish and a lifetime subscription to WarioWare Inc.'s releases. Drak/Crimson grudgingly settle for second, reminding themselves to think long-term.

At the Roadblock, Maude struggles to find a workable shuriken-throwing technique, while even further back, Dupree/Goom Goom finish Books only to find that their taxi ditched them. Tally/Deyn enter the microgame fray, Tally determined to carry her weight. Goldy's impaired spatial awareness and straggling comprehension results in several early Game Overs, and her frustration is only compounded by being stuck in an elevator with her motormouth commentating partner. Eventually, Garf/Gus, Eve/Podley, Tally/Deyn, and Goldy/Grubba finish third, fourth, fifth, and sixth, respectively.

Over scenes of armless Goom Goom flinging shuriken everywhere but at the targets, Flo/Maude trip over their Form Batons onto the mat. The long-trailing bachelors slog through the microgames, Goom Goom marveling that even with Dupree staying focused, their performance reached new magnitudes of suck. At the pit stop, they're saved by the second non-elimination leg. Wario, the greeter, rubs it in.

NOTES: Unused Fast Forward at Dr. Crygor's lab involving singing with him and Mike on a karaoke machine and making up for his deficiency to achieve a passing score.

LEADERBOARD (w/ RB tallies)  
1\. Plenn/Thriff (4:4)  
2\. Drak/Crimson (4:4)  
3\. Garf/Gus (4:3)  
4\. Eve/Podley (4:4)  
5\. Tally/Deyn (4:3)  
6\. Goldy/Grubba (5:3)  
7\. Flo/Maude (4:4)  
8\. Dupree/Goom Goom (3:4)

_**Author's Notes** _(6/22/16): Here's where the draft ends and the outline begins. Episodes 1-4 were ready to go by April 2015, and Episodes 5-6 were written in a burst of inspiration from September-December 2015. I hit another wall around this Roadblock and just couldn't recover. Shame, because I'd been looking forward to doing WarioWare microgames for a long time. To make up for it, please picture Grubba laughing nonstop holding The Big Cheese and no-nonsense Drak/Crimson in all the ridiculous Forms, especially The Elephant and The Mohawk. Yay?


	9. Ep 8: Fun and Sun Paradise

**EPISODE 8**: "Fun and Sun Paradise" – Grubba  
Leg 7: Isle Delfino [_Super Mario Sunshine_ / _Mario Kart Wii_ / _Mario Kart DS_ / _Mario Kart 8_]

Departing first shortly after midnight, Plenn/Thriff are instructed to fly to Isle Delfino, the _Race_'s first return to a previous locale. The opening clue also warns of a Delay. As teams take taxis and arrive at the airport bottleneck, some discuss their targets. Thriff perceives Goldy/Grubba as the biggest threat despite the gold team's poor track record, a sentiment shared by their allies Eve/Podley, who aren't against retaliation for being forced to burn their Express Pass after the Leg 3 U-Turn. However, Plenn is set on Garf/Gus, a mutual feeling shared by Gus, who compares the Toad Brothers to Pianta Syndicate mobsters Vinny/Tony.

Garf/Gus comment further on their budding friendship with their surrogate mothers Flo/Maude, wishing they'd had such positive influences in their formative years. After spending the first four legs in mystery, Flo/Maude have endeared themselves to the remaining cast with their cheerful, gregarious demeanors. Drak/Crimson paradoxically view them as both the greatest untapped asset and risk—physically challenged wild cards who have fluctuated in the standings. After picking up the travel basics, Drak/Crimson are ready to dump Dupree/Goom Goom, who have proven easily beatable, but may be too high-maintenance to drag to the finals. Regardless, Drak/Crimson plant the seeds in Dupree/Goom Goom and Garf/Gus, the latter looking pleased. Closing out the sequence, Goldy worries that Grubba blowing their Delay power early will cost them, but he blows her off and tells the viewers to watch.

All teams take the same flight to Isle Delfino. Their midday arrival at Sunshine Airport preludes a ridiculously mad scramble to the baggage claims, where they horrify fellow passengers and janitorial staff alike by smashing yellow and red crates in search of clues. Grubba finds a clue first, instructing them to take a ferry to the mainland. Dupree/Goom Goom are the only ones to join them on the first ferry, which has a thirty-minute jump on the others.

Both teams locate the sunglasses-wearing Accessory Pianta lounging on the beach. While Goldy/Grubba follow the next Route Info by running off in search of directions to the Shine Gate hot springs, Dupree/Goom Goom find their Speed Bump: obtaining two durians from the fruit market and kicking them into a basket hanging on the cliff. The bachelors' initial relief at encountering their extra task early is quickly overridden by the spiky fruit's unbearable odor and tendency not to fly as expected. Goom Goom concludes Goldy would be a much better ball.

Said ball volunteers for the Roadblock ("Who is hot, hot, hot?"), which involves using a FLUDD-like apparatus to propel a sturdy boat through Corona Mountain's lava-filled cavern to retrieve a clue from a central island. Grubba cheerfully reiterates that his efforts alone carry the team, a statement supported by footage of Goldy ramming into the walls and rocks. She quickly grows flustered.

The remaining six teams arrive at Delfino Plaza and get clues from the Accessory Pianta. After giving Dupree some time to flirt with the annoyed Pianta judge, Goom Goom finally scores a goal, allowing his team to return to the main course. Dupree's sense of direction enables them to catch the rest. Thriff, Deyn, Dupree, Gus, Flo, Eve, and Crimson enter the Roadblock. With so many boats fighting for position, the starting area is a mess. Crimson calmly steers into the lead. Eve also figures out the right balance. On her way back, Crimson silently catches Flo and Gus' attention and instructs them to watch her technique. Deyn notices.

Drak/Crimson leave, seeking directions to a lighthouse with a Color Portal to Gelato Beach. Eve/Podley, Plenn/Thriff, Flo/Maude, and Tally/Deyn finish next. Deyn notes alliances may dictate how the upcoming Delays are used. In a callback to the Starting Line task, Drak/Crimson feed Flo/Maude directions, officially welcoming them into the fold. Flo/Maude, though skeptical, follow.

Plenn/Thriff and Eve/Podley warp to Gelato Beach and locate the Yield in front of the Sand Cabana. Against everyone's advice, Plenn slaps Garf/Gus on the board. Thriff gets angry, asking why his input wasn't considered. Awkwardly overstepping the bickering, Eve/Podley open the envelope, ignoring Fast Forward for a Season 1 Detour Switchback: rolling the biggest watermelon from the amphitheater on the hill to the Surf Cabana, amid a beach full of Cataquacks.

Gus grows increasingly frustrated with his progress as both Goldy and Dupree finish. Garf is rightfully worried. Hotheadedness getting the better of Gus. Goldy fuming that she blew their lead; Grubba's badgering exacerbates her annoyance.

Cataquacks destroy watermelons left and right. Drak/Crimson regard Yield with detached annoyance, Flo/Maude with concern. Flo/Maude recall Season 1's Melon Roll Detour and instruct battle-inclined officers to handicap Cataquacks. Working together, they reach Surf Cabana, but Drak pushes too hard and watermelon rolls off pier into water. Crimson sarcastically calls him a genius. Flo/Maude enjoy watermelon smoothies as they read next clue instructing them to travel by motorboat to Coconut Mall.

Dupree vaulted into air by Cataquack and pops Tally/Deyn's watermelon. Grubba storms beach, knocking out Cataquacks and shoving watermelon. First try pushes into ocean, but succeeds on second nearly singlehandedly. Eve/Podley capitalize on his openings. Drak/Crimson pave their own way.

Gus finishes Roadblock, apologizes to Garf. They arrive at Gelato Beach and see Yield. Gus is livid, yells down beach at Plenn/Thriff. Garf also mad, but restrains Gus. Shouting match ensues between Gus/Plenn. Tally tries playing peacemaker, but ignored; she suggests Thriff use Fast Forward to remove themselves from tense situation. Thriff agrees and forcefully encourages Plenn. Fast Forward involves entering Shine Tower, warping to Sand Bird, and riding it to collect eight Red Coins in sky; if one team member falls, team must start over. Tally/Deyn reach Surf Cabana; Tally reminds men to play nice. Dupree/Goom Goom worried for Garf/Gus, but relieved to have cushion.

Flo/Maude arrive at Coconut Mall and find framed TAR advertisement with Detour. Road Rage requires teams to drive karts around Coconut Mall, completing 1 lap in 1.5 minutes. Dooty Dance has teams learn Doot-Doot dance in Coco Outfitters and perform around mall to raise 64 coins in tips. Flo/Maude choose Dooty Dance, put on hula skirts, and start shaking tail feathers.

Plenn has trouble focusing, causing them to repeatedly fail FF. Gus angrily taunts him from Yield mat each time. Dupree/Goom Goom finally get watermelon smoothies and vroom away, leaving only brothers on beach. Plenn focuses on staying onboard; Thriff collects bulk of Red Coins. They claim Fast Forward award to pit stop at Delfino Square's seaside walk. Garf/Gus' hourglass empties, releasing them. They start rolling watermelon. Gus thwacks Cataquack with surfboard. Garf reminds him to channel their anger toward the task at hand. They approach task from a stealth battle mindset mirroring their tactics against the Pianta Syndicate.

Goldy/Grubba, Eve/Podley don grass skirts. Drak/Crimson initially choose Dooty Dance, but Drak forces switch after seeing attire. Crimson berates him, pointing out how crowded mall is. Drak has no issues mowing over pedestrians. Both adjust to kart driving relatively quickly and cruise through building, but dynamic parking lot impedes their progress. Eve/Podley, Flo/Maude sell performance, but Grubba draws most attention by going all out and playing Goldy's imperceptible shaking as dancing. Tally/Deyn join dance party. Through showmanship and humor, Grubba earns clue directing them on foot to pit stop.

Drawbridge lowers, giving Plenn/Thriff access to pit stop in middle of shipping area. Delfino Mayor greets them; Blaise awards them 6-day trip for two to Isle Delfino. Thriff annoyed unilateral decision-making dominated their day, but hopeful Garf/Gus' elimination keeps Plenn from rashness and focused on bonding. Plenn worried using FF despite clear time advantage will hurt them, pledges to make enjoying time with Thriff priority.

Dupree/Goom Goom join Drak/Crimson at races. Crimson coaches them on least trafficked areas. Both teams again held up in parking lot portion of lap. Meanwhile, Garf/Gus playing mad catchup in motorboat with Garf at wheel. Gus swears revenge.

Dooty Dance teams spread apart in atrium. Tally preferring trade of services over unbalanced begging forced in previous leg. Eve/Podley pull out show tunes and extra choreography to finish, shortly followed by Flo/Maude, Tally/Deyn. Garf/Gus arrive, pick Road Rage.

Goldy/Grubba, Eve/Podley, Flo/Maude, Tally/Deyn check in second thru fifth. Goldy hopeful for top spot next time, Grubba winks at viewers. Eve/Podley pleased with performance and teamwork. Flo/Maude wishing best for Garf/Gus.

Remaining three teams continue crashing into parking lot traffic. Garf only one consistently clearing time, encouraging Gus to harness anger. Drak/Crimson bitter Detour destroying their plans. Garf/Gus succeed. At last moment, Crimson distracts Dupree with air kiss. She and Drak make cutoff, Dupree doesn't. After Goom Goom gives rousing motivational speech…both fail next attempt.

Garf/Gus, Drak/Crimson check in. Dupree/Goom Goom are sixth team eliminated. Goom Goom unsurprised female did them in, but newly appreciative of roomie's talents. Dupree convinced Crimson finally accepted his love. Both leave on positive note.

LEADERBOARD (w/ RB tallies)  
1\. Plenn/Thriff (4:5 / FAST FORWARD / USED DELAY)  
2\. Goldy/Grubba (5:4)  
3\. Eve/Podley (5:4)  
4\. Flo/Maude (5:4)  
5\. Tally/Deyn (4:4)  
6\. Garf/Gus (4:4 / YIELDED)  
7\. Drak/Crimson (4:5)  
8\. Dupree/Goom Goom [ELIMINATED]

_**Author's Notes**_ (7/13/16): Probably not a shocker that the under-performers and comedic relief left. They actually entered this draft slated to ride the bottom until getting booted shy of the finale in fourth. Another team's developing story looked very promising, so Dupree/Goom Goom got pushed far down in the standings. Probably for the best, since they remained relatively static throughout, even after Goom Goom snapped at Dupree in the superleg. Fleshing out Dupree in particular was great fun. Had he and Goom Goom been more competent at challenges, his speed and on point navigational skills could've made them dangerous contenders.

Isle Delfino is a beautifully diverse destination, so much so that most of its vanilla _Super Mario Sunshine_ components saw use back in Season 1's superleg. Revisiting now, with several succeeding games having stages based on Isle Delfino (and thus incorporated into this story's headcanon as being on the island), hopefully made for a different experience with the same tropical flavor. The obligatory kart-racing challenge, a hilariously frustrating Switchback, and a background season-long conflict erupting to the forefront would've been a blast to flesh out.


	10. Ep 9: Wet and Wild Ride

**EPISODE 9**: "Wet and Wild Ride" – Deyn  
Leg 8: Sparkling Waters / Frosted Glacier [_New Super Mario Bros. U / New Super Luigi U_]

Morning Isle Delfino backdrop of pit start. Plenn/Thriff open first clue with tickets for charter ferry to Sparkling Waters and warning of another Delay. All teams board. Atmosphere tenser than ever between Plenn/Thriff, Garf/Gus. With mediation by Tally, preexisting conflict laid bare: Plenn outright accuses Robbos of stealing from his establishment. Gus denies, explains Robbo Gang's renewed conflict against Pianta Syndicate with Rogueport Square as main battleground. Gus/Plenn reach tenuous understanding. Garf presents case to other teams that Plenn/Thriff are statistically best team remaining. Meanwhile, Eve/Flo/Maude continue bonding talking about their children. Eve marvels about the wonderful neighbors she never knew she had.

Everyone disembarks at Larry's Castle and races on foot to Dragoneel's Undersea Grotto. Next clue directs them to travel by Dragoneel to The Great Geysers. The giant, graceful sea serpents captivate almost everyone. However, Flo/Maude cite Season 3's Bloocheep Sea leg as reason to fear a highly physical underwater leg and opt for the Fast Forward: proceeding to Shish-Kebab Tower and riding fast elevator lifts through deathtraps in search of letters for a solution phrase.

Podley remarks on different ambience between relaxing tropical paradises and commercial port towns like Rogueport. He and Eve arrive first at The Great Geysers. Holding hands, they make an exhilarating run across a series of enormous Ptooie-lined water spouts to the clue. It's a Roadblock ("Who wants to have a little fun?") at nearby Urchin Shoals that involves using a Mini Mushroom to traverse vertical walls, both rock and water, to reach the next clue. Podley, Goldy, Drak, Garf, Plenn, and Tally take it. While Goldy surprisingly has initial difficulties keeping traction, Drak's first hesitation causes him to crumble, and Tally exhibits some trepidation, no one encounters major problems. Pack proceeds onward to Huckit Beach Resort with little separation between teams.

Meanwhile, Flo/Maude barely keep their composure and breakfast as platform whips at breakneck speeds up, down, and sideways through equally fast spiked pillars. They require several run-throughs of the course to catch all eleven letters, and then even more to unscramble solution: "Giant Skewer." Without any judges nearby, they eventually venture out of Shish-Kebab and notice nearby unmarked Giant Skewer Tower. One last ride to top earns them FF award to pit stop at Frosted Glacier's Fliprus Lake. Flo deliriously happy they made it out alive.

Eve/Podley leading at Huckit Beach Resort. Huckit Crabs playing catch with rocks through the open-air huts. Gus first to intercept one with _Race_ colors and exchanges for clue. Teams will take Dragoneels further underwater to Urchin Reef Romp. Drak, Grubba also snatch right rocks. Plenn accidentally catches rock in the head. Briefly checked by medical, Thriff supportive. Plenn okay, gives confessional on growing up tough in school of hard knocks. Eve/Podley, Tally/Deyn, Plenn/Thriff trail.

Garf/Gus reach Urchin Reef Romp first and dive in. Neither strong swimmers, nor are Drak/Crimson. Goldy too buoyant; Grubba shoves her down repeatedly like water polo ball. Clue envelopes dangling underneath Urchins, within powerful downward current. One team member, attached to safety harness, must swim down to retrieve it. Teammate can assist their return to safe waters. Grubba makes obligatory joke comparing Goldy to Urchins before braving current without any help, laughing whole way. Next clue instructs them to travel by Dragoneel to base of Frosted Glacier.

Cut to Flo/Maude making said Dragoneel journey at water's surface. Exposition on how they're loving all aspects of the _Race_. Maude discusses rewarding yet bittersweet sacrifice of putting their successful careers on hold to raise their families, which also limited traveling opportunities. Flo mentions untouched desire to become nurse. Maude also confesses difficulties making non-Crow non-parent friends in their community; glad to have broken One-Way Mirror and met interesting competitors. Flo agrees. Both have zen ride.

Thriff strongest swimmer leading second pack; Plenn/Thriff pass Tally/Deyn, Eve/Podley, who are still fairly competent. Drak/Crimson nervous about current spreading bones into bottomless abyss. Current throws Gus past clue; he panics and flounders. Garf and Eep Cheeps manage to fish him out. They return to Dragoneel, shaken. Drak/Crimson uncertainly consider penalty. Arrival of last three forces Crimson to try. She sends only one hand to untie clue; their combined strength retrieves her hand easily. Over confessional about personal development on Keelhaul Key, Thriff yanks envelope. Deyn, Podley also do with more effort and major assistance from teammates.

Time-lapse shots of all teams riding Dragoneels. Goldy confessional that Grubba taking things seriously improves their standings. Annoyed he's been doing things halfway and not considering her equal partner. Confronts him, he continues playing dumb. Tally/Deyn resolve to use Delay to stay alive. Podley rightfully concerned being in last makes them vulnerable to Delay as other teams' safety nets. Eve calms him.

Goldy/Grubba first at Frosted Glacier. 10-m sheer ice wall stands between them and next clue; racers must climb individually. Grubba grandstands entire way up. Goldy shocks him by zipping up without needing equipment.

Flo/Maude check in with Miles and random Fliprus. They win 6-day trip for two to Sparkling Waters. Both happy with first victory, even if due to FF. Flo asks if they bypassed water leg. Miles jokes it's the power-up sponsorship leg.

On that note, Goldy/Grubba open Detour. Slide involves traveling by Cooligan taxi to Icicle Caverns and using Penguin Suits to traverse pit-ridden course while collecting three Star Coins. Glide requires Cooligan taxiing to Spinning-Star Sky and mastering Super Acorns to wall jump up and glide over midair platforms. Grubba decides Slide, Goldy again aggravated by her lack of input. Goldy freaked out by new taxis—dual Cooligan-pulled toboggans. After some slippery starts due to Grubba's weight, they get on their way.

Garf/Gus arrive at ice wall and start. Gus moves slower, disliking height component; Garf switches from encouragement to tough love, motivating Gus to power through. Drak/Crimson arrive and start ascending, both initially struggling with getting their ice axes to stick. Garf/Gus hit top, decide Slide. Plenn/Thriff arrive, quickly overtake Drak/Crimson. Both also pick Slide.

Goldy/Grubba reach Icicle Caverns. Both don Penguin Suits, Goldy laughs at fantastically fat penguin Grubba makes. Grubba plays along, creates random penguin wrestler persona. He takes running start and does leaping swan dive, landing neatly on belly…only to flub jump timing and go directly into ravine. He lands at bottom and starts plodding back to start point. Goldy's first shot has her scraping googly-eyes along ice. She retries initial start and tilts body upward slightly, allowing her to see. Her jump timing is on point, and she reaches first Star Coin at end of one cavern.

Tally/Deyn, Eve/Podley battling at climb. Eve tires halfway up, Podley provides verbal support. Tally/Deyn reach top and pick Glide. Eve/Podley not far behind, also choose Glide.

Gus jokes he's found correct bird family. He and Garf flub their first slides, but show good handling of mechanics. Goldy confessional appreciating rare challenges highlighting her strengths as she cleanly makes jumps across second path to next Star Coin. Grubba looking annoyed at being upstaged by deadweight partner, oddly quiet for once. Plenn/Thriff, Drak/Crimson arrive and get suited up; Drak voices displeasure on cuteness of Penguin Suits. All four fail to clear first chasm. Garf/Gus intuitively figuring out how to adjust speed on ice and jump timing. Garf nabs first Star Coin. Third Star Coin path includes tricky descending staircase of icy pillars, with alternative route requiring both members present for one to sacrifice self and push other to Star Coin. Goldy trivializes both and nabs it, gloats she did Detour all by herself. Grubba straight-up pissed. Next clue at Icicle Tower with Double U-Turn. Goldy happy they'll be first there. They return to Cooligan taxi.

Tally/Deyn reach Spinning-Star Sky, activate Super Acorns for Flying Squirrel forms. Waddlewings brief on how to glide and perform air jumps. Both practice some before Eve/Podley arrive. New experience for everyone, no natural advantages. Deyn questions why she chose this when she hates falling.

Gus collects second Star Coin. Confessional on flightless bird connection. Meanwhile Plenn/Thriff, Drak/Crimson struggling on jump timing. Plenn/Thriff briefly discuss switching, but conclude it is game suicide due to upcoming Delay. Drak disconnects skull from body and holds above head, giving slightly better perspective preparing for jumps. It helps, and he earns their first. Garf/Gus work together to reach third Star Coin, and get clue.

Goldy/Grubba arrive at Icicle Tower, already used Delay. Route Info instructs them to take Cooligan taxi to Fliprus Lake, where they must use snowballs in bowling-like game to knock over pyramid of crates within three tries.

Tally/Deyn, Eve/Podley figured out Super Acorn mechanics. All that remains is timing. Tally first to air jump over midair Star and grab clue half. Podley next. Deyn also finishes. Tally/Deyn read clue directing to Icicle Tower, leave Detour in fourth place. Eve now concerned they'll be U-Turned.

At Icicle Tower, Garf/Gus U-Turn Plenn/Thriff. Gus claims it's payback. Garf mentions shopkeepers already used their Delay in previous leg and cannot save themselves by U-Turning another team.

Drak throws head at third Star Coin mid-slide and succeeds, earning them clue. Plenn/Thriff relying on trial/error, have gotten only one. On other Detour option, Eve flies over star. They rush off in taxi.

Tally/Deyn reach Icicle Tower. Uncertain of place, they use second slot to U-Turn Eve/Podley, only known team behind them, for safety. Tally scribbles apology note explaining as such. Drak/Crimson arrive shortly after. Pleased that statistically strong threats were U-Turned—especially their primary targets, Plenn/Thriff—and that they still have their Delay available for future. Eve/Podley find U-Turn. Both disappointed, but understand Tally/Deyn's move. They hurry to Icicle Caverns.

At Slide, Plenn/Thriff manage to finish. They depart just as Eve/Podley pull up. Eve/Podley inform them of Double U-Turn results. Plenn unsurprised. Alliance agrees to fight hard, regardless of outcome. Plenn/Thriff en route to Icicle Tower.

Goldy/Grubba arrive at Fliprus Lake. Heavy snowballs mean Grubba back in control for task. He bursts snowball with force on first attempt, but cleanly sweeps pyramid on second. Next clue instructs teams to use constellations obscured by auroras to navigate to pit stop somewhere in nearby forest. Grubba leaves navigation to Goldy. Goldy confused because her sense of direction is glaringly bad.

Eve/Podley struggling with Slide. Plenn/Thriff, on other hand, pick up Super Acorn skills relatively quickly, lament not choosing Glide first. Eve's composure cracking under pressure as they continue failing. Podley barely manages to claim first Star Coin.

Garf/Gus collaborate well on snowball bowling and complete on fourth try. Tally/Deyn succeed on third. Drak/Crimson, physically weaker, take six attempts. Former two require time to figure out reading constellations, but Crimson able to interpret instructions relatively quickly.

Goldy/Grubba wandering around lost. Goldy frustrated Grubba not helping. Grubba taunts her, says team is nothing without him. Goldy finally grasps how Grubba has been undermining them entire _Race_ to boost his perception. She becomes seriously enraged. Grubba engages and huge crazy angry argument ensues. Nearby teams can hear, steer clear.

Plenn first to vault over spinning star. Eve/Podley manage to collect second and third Star Coins. Thriff glides and snatches his half-clue. Eve/Podley, Plenn/Thriff return to W-Turn and proceed onward, though at separate times.

Drak/Crimson check in second, stoked that the pieces in play worked in their favor. Garf/Gus third, Gus hoping the U-Turn does to Plenn/Thriff what the Yield failed to do to him and Garf. Tally/Deyn fourth, exhilarated by auroras. Slightly regretting they committed to using Delay when not in serious danger, but recognize hindsight as 20/20. Finally, Goldy/Grubba arrive. Goldy absolutely pissed they lost lead due to Grubba not working with her and working against her for much of _Race_. Threatens to quit, which gets Grubba's attention. Though, she relents because million coins is a lot of moolah.

Eve/Podley begin snowball bowling. Both concerned Plenn/Thriff will catch up and overtake them in reaching pit stop. However, they knock over their pyramid and Eve intuitively navigates constellations to keep them in game. Plenn/Thriff arrive later as seventh team eliminated. Plenn not overly bitter about U-Turn. Has even more to say about how his little brother has grown up into amazingly strong man. Thriff returns compliments, pointing out how Plenn's entrepreneurial approach to life brought them success on _Race_. Both commit to spending more time in-person with each other and traveling post-_Race_.

LEADERBOARD (w/ RB tallies)  
1\. Flo/Maude (5:4 / FAST FORWARD)  
2\. Drak/Crimson (5:5)  
3\. Garf/Gus (5:4 / USED DELAY)  
4\. Tally/Deyn (5:4 / USED DELAY)  
5\. Goldy/Grubba (6:4)  
6\. Eve/Podley (5:5 / U-TURNED)  
7\. Plenn/Thriff (5:5 / U-TURNED) [ELIMINATED]

_**Author's Notes**_ (7/20/16): Garf/Gus enjoy their revenge served cold as Plenn/Thriff meet their end. The Toad Brothers had fun speech quirks and moments of nerdery yet were also a significant force, consistently placing in the upper echelons. Several narrative threads hopefully tied their game together—reconnecting after their overseas separation, Thriff establishing himself as an underrated physical powerhouse and stepping out of the shadow as the baby brother, and Plenn's preexisting network with the Rogueport racers (specifically Podley and the Robbos) impacting their game. It's fitting that once Plenn allowed his preexisting biases to cloud his judgment, his elimination came soon afterward. They received the true alpha edit until this point, but that mantle must be passed onto others as things fall into place for the endgame.

The worlds of _NSMBU_ are so varied and contain such potential. Tasks for this combined water/snow location leg came quite easily, but my personal favorite visual is the majestic Dragoneel transit through Sparkling Waters. The power-up W-turn battle comes a close second. Lots of important things happened here, and it would've been a very hectic episode for sure.


	11. Ep 10: Every Action Movie Cliché

**EPISODE 10**: "Every Action Movie Cliché" – Deyn  
Leg 9: Light Realm / Dark Realm [_Yoshi's Safari_]

Midday is still visually nighttime as Flo/Maude leave Frosted Glacier. Opening clue instructs teams to travel by Cooligan taxi to Wendy's Thwomp Castle and fly by airship back to Isle Delfino, then by airplane to Jewelry Land's Light Realm. Warning: Delay ahead. All teams again equalized for journey. Tally/Deyn formally apologize to Eve/Podley for U-Turn. Both graciously accept on surface, acknowledging the move as safety. Podley notes they've been Delayed twice now. He states, if the opportunity arises, they must use their Delay to their advantage. Eve, though hesitant to play cutthroat, agrees, affirming her desire to win for her family, Podley, and herself.

Noticeable divide between Goldy/Grubba. In private confessional, Goldy rants how immature Grubba is for old man. Explains pressure on her to bring home money for horde of lazy good-for-nothings. Meanwhile, Grubba assures viewership he now plans to pull out all the stops. Rather annoyed his lesser teammate showed him up multiple times in previous leg, but he vows to outperform everyone.

Gus particularly pleased with Plenn/Thriff's elimination, Garf relieved a huge threat has been removed. Drak/Crimson convene with Flo/Maude and Garf/Gus, confirm next target: Eve/Podley, the most consistent. Having bonded with Eve over their families, Flo/Maude are hesitant. Garf/Gus respect Podley as neutral party in Rogueport. However, both teams recognize eliminating Eve/Podley could increase their chances of winning.

Flight lands in Light Realm mid-morning, releasing teams scrambling for Yoshi taxis to Grass Land's Super Scope Super School. Strategic flight seating and militaristic demands to their driver earn Drak/Crimson first dibs at Intersection. Neither have much idea what lies ahead, but aiming to preserve their ideal Final 3, they plan to support physically inferior Flo/Maude. Next arrivals, Goldy/Grubba, aggravated when Drak/Crimson refuse to partner up. Tally/Deyn pull up third and join Goldy/Grubba.

After getting briefed on mechanics of Super Scopes, Intersection involves glorified indoor laser tag and scoring 50,000 combined points in 10-minute game. Each Super Scope has automatic firing capability, but when built-in Power Meter depletes, rate of fire drops drastically. Additionally, built-in Life Meter renders Super Scope incapacitated and wielder removed from play if it empties.

Pink-yellow team heads into building for instructions, Goldy looking nervous. Garf/Gus arrive next and are understandably confused by Drak/Crimson holding out. Drak briefly explains rationale—Garf/Gus likely more well-rounded to handle Intersection, while Flo/Maude need protecting—but Garf/Gus dubious. Twilight teams arrive and green-lavender and gray-violet Intersected teams proceed onward.

As first match begins, Goldy doubtful about her usefulness. Tally reassures her, suggests she work her size and erratic movements to her advantage. Grubba plows in gun a-blazin, Tally also starts aggressively. Goldy complains her eyes give her poor aim; she struggles to land hits. Deyn plays conservatively, comparing game to hiding out in cornfield as a kid. All discover on the fly that their opponents (predominantly Paragoombas/Parakoopas) cycle in/out of playing field with lower base Life/Power meters. Goldy cannot bounce and aim simultaneously, she is sitting duck and gets eliminated early. Grubba forgets to manage Power meter, allowing foes to trade equal fire. He goes out around halfway mark. Tally/Deyn outnumbered and still learning. They end with 30K total pts.

Other superteams take first shot at same time, different rooms. Drak/Crimson going all-out war. They build soldiers and send them into field as extra eyes. Flo/Maude take to air, but struggle with aiming using their talons. Garf/Gus accustomed to sneaking about, use obstacles as cover to great effect. Podley has best aim. Eve shows distaste for this type of task, and despite good camouflage, gets incapacitated early. She reminds herself of the end goal and resolves to do better. Flo starts panicking at low Life and gets herself removed. Gray-violet team finishes with 35K pts, green-lavender with 37K.

Grubba takes more balanced approach on second try, while Deyn ups her offense. Goldy still dead weight. Tally is their main scorer, but they still barely hit 40K. Physicality and duration of task forces them to rest briefly before trying again. Eve begins second attempt stingy on ammo, but picks up pace. Podley/Garf/Gus improve, but only reach 42K. Maude getting better handle on aim, but Flo still struggling. Flo does Crow!speak shenanigans for backup support to Maude, but Crimson yells she must contribute with points. They end with 38K. Everyone rethinking strategy due to time constraints. Eve concludes intelligent offense is best method.

Grubba pours on fire, but pink-yellow falls shy at 48K due to Goldy's abysmal score. Drak/Crimson/Maude go to town, Flo finding her sweet spot dodge-tanking and returning fire, but gray-violet only gets 45K. All-around performing green-lavender superteam bolstered by Eve joining fray, and they clear 50K, finishing challenge first. Route Info instructs teams to travel southeast by Yoshi taxi across Grand Bridge to Pipe Island and find Pipeway Fun House. Somewhere inside is next clue. Teams also bring Super Scopes with them for duration of leg. Garf commends Eve on stepping up when it mattered, and they all depart. Garf/Gus worried for their allies.

Strong round by Grubba/Tally pushes them over edge, allowing Goldy/Grubba and Tally/Deyn to leave in third on third try. Shortly after, Drak/Crimson and Flo/Maude succeed.

Long Yoshi ride to Pipe Island. Brief update shows Grubba's comparatively heavier weight slowing his Yoshi down, allowing Tally/Deyn to build lead. Meanwhile, leaders arrive at Pipeway Fun House and start navigating Warp Pipes. Garf/Gus first to inner chamber with clue box. They ignore Fast Forward and open Detour. Mecha Mayhem has teams navigating unwieldy bipedal robots to nearby Mushroom Land and working controls bent on destruction to create neat little pyramid out of 93 Mushrooms. Marine Marksmanship has teams hopping into submarines, going to Crescent Coast, correctly loading torpedoes, and then navigating far out at sea for underwater target practice.

Both teams go mecha. They head to nearby Mushzantium Mechanics where vehicles are and get acquainted. However, Garf notices how finicky robot controls are; Garf/Gus switch to submarine. Submarine controls are fairly straightforward, with underwater navigation being main issue. Garf/Gus head west at shallow depth, Gus manning periscope. Obligatory remark on penguin connection from previous leg. Meanwhile, Eve/Podley divvy up control panel duties and get their robot airborne. Podley marvels over how cool robot is. Eve compares it to giant toy.

Tally/Deyn reach Detour, pick Marine Marksmanship. Goldy/Grubba agree soft touch skills aren't their thing, also go submarines. Goldy feeling distressed she performed so poorly at Intersection. She laments in confessional that tasks accommodating her strengths are hit/miss, and is sickened that she's been inadvertently helping Grubba achieve his goal.

Eve/Podley descend on Mushroom Land. Podley accidentally hits missile button that destroys a bunch of Mushrooms. Both also accidentally squeeze several Mushrooms too hard with the robot's claws, rendering them unacceptable for challenge. Gradually they start getting feel for pressure necessary to pluck tiny Mushrooms from ground and place into robot-mounted basket.

Drak/Crimson, Flo/Maude enter Pipeway Fun House. Flo/Maude fangirl over mecha. Drak/Crimson briefly debate using Fast Forward, which involves collecting twelve jewels—representing Jewelry Land's eponymous gems—by hitting targets with their Super Scopes on Yoshi-led safari. Both are confident in their shooting abilities, but decide to save it and monitor their allies on main track. Drak/Crimson follow Flo/Maude.

Garf/Gus reach Crescent Coast shoreline a bit off mark. They head down to beached cargo and begin lugging seven heavy torpedoes across sand, one at a time, to their submarine's weapon bay. Both excited by prospect of seeing underwater destruction. Check-in on Tally/Deyn shows them making beeline northwest back toward Grass Land, Deyn at helm. Goldy/Grubba on track, Goldy sniping at Grubba for hoggig all important duties. Grubba calls himself one man machine, like submarine.

Eve/Podley have good head start on acquiring Mushrooms. Eve suggests they build small surplus in case they smash some while building pyramid; Podley agrees. Flo/Maude have surprisingly good handle on flying their mecha and enjoy themselves, joking they are new bird of prey species. Drak/Crimson, however, jolt around like Leg 5.1 UFO.

Garf/Gus exhausted as they load seventh torpedo. They pile back into submarine and plot course south into open ocean. Goldy/Grubba hit shore next to ammo drops. Grubba hoists individual torpedoes himself, running commentary on his strength. Goldy frustrated at finding herself useless for this portion. Meanwhile, Tally/Deyn confused on their whereabouts. Tally suggests a correction. They switch direction and get back on track.

At Mushroom Land, Flo/Maude alight just as Eve/Podley finish gathering Mushrooms—they have 110. After doing math, Podley realizes that standard 36-25-16-9-1 pyramid adds up to 91, two under requirements. Eve deduces they stack last two on top of peak. Making base sturdy is paramount. They bring their crop to a floating platform and start crafting their pyramid. Flo/Maude find themselves struggling mightily to pluck Mushrooms without crushing them. Maude describes robot's claws as extensions of their feet, which helps them figure it out. Drak/Crimson arrive and have much easier time with picking than flying. Harkening back to Past Toad Town Detour, they also decide ahead of time to collect excess. Eve/Podley take their time on placing Mushrooms, but aren't as precise on their spacing as they should be.

Grubba finishes singlehandedly placing all torpedoes into submarine and makes smarmy remark to Goldy, who predictably responds with anger. They head back out as Tally/Deyn arrive. The Toads work together to drag the torpedoes across the beach, both surprised by this Detour option's hidden physical component. Garf/Gus still speeding along out at sea, Gus monitoring radar for target markers.

Eve/Podley working independently controlling each claw. Podley accidentally knocks some Mushrooms off on second level, forcing them to redo some work. Eve implores him to be careful. Drak/Crimson have passed Flo/Maude on gathering Mushrooms. Flo lampshades fact they're using complicated contraption to accomplish simple task and proclaims her love for how silly _Race_ can be. Maude agrees. Both realize they just crushed some Mushrooms in their excitement.

Tally/Deyn exhausted by the time they heave seventh torpedo into submarine. They practically topple into control room. Tally weakly massages knots from Deyn's back as they head south. Gus finally sights target. It's…a naval mine. Neither Craw intimidated, but highly enthused as they prepare torpedo for launch. Ensuing explosion has them whooping it up. Four more to go.

Eve/Podley's unstable base causes corner to collapse, effectively forcing them to rework large part of pyramid. Flo/Maude still chugging along plucking Mushrooms. Drak/Crimson have gathered small surplus and begun stacking. Crimson squishes the Mushroom tops slightly using the robot's giant claws. They rebound, but the sheer force results in some flattening occurring. However, there is unavoidable variance; they flatten unevenly. Crimson notices once they begin their second layer and regrets her ill-planned strategy.

Garf/Gus alternate firing torpedoes at mines. After fifth one, ride-along captain instructs them to return to Mushzantium Mechanics by triangulating its location. They make an estimate and start heading back. Goldy/Grubba arrive in targeting vicinity and start blowing stuff up. Grubba comments on Goldy's body looking similar to mine.

All three Mecha Mayhem teams working on Mushroom pyramids. Flo/Maude having issues mastering precision placement. Drak/Crimson moving swiftly and compensating for uneven base. Eve/Podley encouraging each other as they work. As Flo/Maude lose their work for the first of many times, Drak/Crimson break away in constructing their pyramid's uppermost echelons and use Crimson's squishing method to ensure the vertical three-stack topper holds in place for long enough to earn the clue.

Teams will travel by Yoshi taxi to the ground base of Float Castle I, a hot air balloon docking point with a Warp Pipe to Jewelry Land's aptly named Dark Realm. Drak/Crimson pilot their mecha back to Mushzantium Mechanics. Drak gloats how, despite their lack of technological acumen, their meticulousness has catapulted them into lead.

Grubba nails fifth mine without issue, and they depart back toward mainland. Tally/Deyn have gone prescribed distance and found only open water. Quite literally lost at sea. Tally wonders why they always unintentionally take scenic route. Deyn reminisces on their past road trips where this happened. Both unsure how to proceed, but decide on a direction and commit.

Flo/Maude's pyramid topples once more. Eve/Podley finish theirs and begin heading back to Mushzantium Mechanics. Drak/Crimson have returned to their Yoshi taxi. Tally/Deyn happen upon the marine minefield and begin firing away. Garf/Gus return their submarine and depart Detour in second. Eve/Podley, Goldy/Grubba follow in third, fourth. After some more difficulties, Flo/Maude complete Mecha Mayhem. Even further back, Tally/Deyn miraculously triangulate their trajectory within usable error and hit land. All teams make the Yoshi taxi journey.

Drak/Crimson reach ground base in first place and find the Yield. In confessional, they finalize their ideal F3 with the two bird teams. Current goal is to now orchestrate eliminations of Eve/Podley, Goldy/Grubba, Tally/Deyn. However, not knowing the standings on Marine Marksmanship side, they abstain from using their Delay. Route Info instructs them to proceed through Warp Pipe to Dark Realm and locate Ghost Mansion.

Garf/Gus bypass Yield. Eve/Podley arrive third and weigh their options. Three Yoshi taxis remained outside Mushzantium Mechanics when they left. They aren't in danger, but Podley says now is time to remove a threat. The only team they're certain is behind them is Flo/Maude. Despite her earlier commital, Eve vetoes them, unwilling to strike against her fellow Twilight moms. Podley relents, agreeing that other options are more dangerous. They select an unseen team, Eve scribbles a note of apology, and continue forward. Goldy/Grubba hit the Yield. Surprise! It's them. Grubba fairly understanding about the retaliatory shot, but proclaims it won't stop them. Goldy is less optimistic and says his spur-of-the-moment decision six legs ago has doomed them.

At home in another haunted building, Drak/Crimson locate the Roadblock ("Who's ready for an upgrade?"), which tasks someone with disassembling their Super Scope, installing a supercharge barrel, reassembling the weapon, and then demonstrating new capability by blasting through a wall. The more technology-savvy Crimson takes it and, ignoring the Boos' efforts to distract her, begins figuring out how all the parts fit together.

The final grains in the hourglass drop, releasing Goldy/Grubba into the Dark Realm. Flo/Maude and Tally/Deyn trail.

Gus and Podley get to work enhancing their Super Scopes. Simultaneously leveraging her abilities to see the big picture and pay attention to detail, Crimson locks and loads her supercharge barrel and obliterates the marked area. Their last Route Info instructs them to travel on foot to the next pit stop at Obsidian Overlook, a vantage point over the nearby Dark Sea. Podley continues working with steady efficiency. Gus' raw fervor causes him to make several mistakes and opens him to teasing by the Boo onlookers.

Despite Drak commandeering the newly powered up Super Scope for himself, it's all for naught as the run through a startlingly Twilight Trail-like dead forest is wholly uneventful. Blaise and Prince Pine award the cousins their first victory and 10,000 coins each. The officers drop all pretenses and revel in success, though Crimson briefly ponders if Flo/Maude are in danger with the highly technical Roadblock. Eve/Podley and Garf/Gus check in second and third.

Grubba cites the Gold Star-exploiting contraption he built as proof of his expertise in doohickeys and doodads, and he proves it by demolishing the Roadblock, holding them stable for fourth place. Maude indeed struggles with dismantling a weapon practically her size, but the head start is enough for her to get her bearings and figure out a workable system. The Toads wish the moms well as they fly out of reach to finish fifth, moods somber by situation rather than environment as they reflect on their _Race_ journey. Deyn apologizes for not completing the Roadblock fast enough, but Tally insists they both did their best throughout the day and simply came up short. Sunny smiles return to their faces when they learn they've been saved by the third and final non-elimination leg. Blaise confirms that all legs from here to the finale will end in elimination. The pink team resolves to make it to the end.

LEADERBOARD (w/ RB tallies)  
1\. Drak/Crimson (5:6)  
2\. Eve/Podley (5:6 / USED DELAY)  
3\. Garf/Gus (5:5)  
4\. Goldy/Grubba (6:5 / YIELDED)  
5\. Flo/Maude (5:5)  
6\. Tally/Deyn (5:5)

Easter Eggs:  
\- 93 Mushroom requirement for Mecha Mayhem honors _Yoshi's Safari_'s release date.  
\- Seven torpedoes for Marine Marksmanship pays homage to seven worlds of Light Realm; five mines, the five worlds of Dark Realm.

_**Author's Notes**_ (8/10/2016): Initially when selecting destinations I'd doubted the viability of an entire leg based on _Yoshi's Safari_. However, some of the end concepts—Super Scope laser tag and a Detour based on mecha and submarines—sound really fun!


	12. Ep 11: Inside, Outside, Upside Down

**EPISODE 11**: "Inside, Outside, Upside Down" – Flo  
Leg 10: Down Under Land [_The Super Mario Bros. Super Show_]

In the early morning it's completely dark at the pit start. Drak/Crimson are instructed to travel by Yoshi taxi to Dark Land Regional Airport and fly to Down Under Land. Warning: the fifth and final Delay looms. Teams are provided tickets but are under no obligation to use them. Everyone ends up equalized at the airport until it opens and are surprised to learn Tally/Deyn were non-eliminated. Eve is fearful of Grubba's wrath for the Yield, but he is a surprisingly good sport. Goldy, however, seems to bear some resentment. Away from Grubba, she finally vents all her frustrations about racing with him to Eve/Podley. Podley goes full bartender and helps calm the therapist.

As the bones-and-birds alliance crunches flights, Drak instructs his troops on their battle plan to eliminate the others. The gray and violet teams are the only ones with Delay powers remaining, so he hammers home what the Crows must do. Already familiar with strategies like the W-turn slot-burning maneuver seen in _TAR21_/_27_, Flo takes offense to his condescending tone, but Maude Crow!talks her down from blowing their cover. In a confessional, Maude speculates that if Grodus 2.0 knew she and Flo are superfans, the officers would think twice about bringing them to the finals considering the previous seasons have been determined by memory challenges. As Maude notes again, she has an awesome memory.

Anticipating their upcoming Speed Bump, Tally/Deyn work overtime on securing a better itinerary. They manage to score, but everyone else does as well. Recognizing that every advantage matters, they charm their way into a free upgrade to first class seats. As they settle in, the Toads re-center themselves in preparation for the battle ahead.

Following a lengthy trip with several plane changes, the group arrives in Down Under Land, a region not unlike the Australian Outback…except for many places where the ground and sky are reversed. In Oppostralia Airport, a cryptic clue from a kiosk tells teams to "kiss an Australian hunter," which gets awkward reactions from pretty much everyone. Leading the charge, Tally/Deyn ask locals about the identity of this mysterious person and quickly get the solution. They giggle in disbelief.

Everyone scatters out from the small regional airport and ask around the small settlement, a collection of rustic wooden buildings connected by boardwalks. Tally/Deyn go straight to the town center hidden in a tree's shade and pash the stone Magic Statue on the cheek long enough for all parties involved (statue included) to blush. Finally the short monocled mayor emerges from City Hall and forks over a clue. Tally/Deyn duck away and open it.

Teams must pick up plungers and Akubra-style bush hats from the general store and head to a marked street. Using the plungers like pogo sticks, they must then bounce down the length of a thin boardwalk without falling off to receive their next clue. The pink team rushes to said store, which looks newer compared to other buildings in town, and collect their supplies.

Eve/Podley are fixed on that marked street, but confused as to how it relates to the Australian hunter. A koala isn't being very forthcoming with details. Goldy/Grubba, Garf/Gus, Flo/Maude, Drak/Crimson give the statue their dues and receive clues. It takes Tally/Deyn arriving onsite with their equipment for Eve/Podley to ask elsewhere. The Toads give it a go. Tally bounds off and inelegantly face plants, while Deyn topples over. Their second try is better, but the plungers' suction makes steering in a straight line somewhat difficult. As the other four teams arrive, Tally advises they proceed one hop at a time, taking a moment to readjust on each landing.

Goldy complains she could accomplish this task without the plunger; Grubba jeers so could he. By this point many locals are outside watching the show because the teams, quite frankly, look ridiculous. All members of the bones-and-birds fall off steps away from the starting point, while Grubba's large frame works against him. Goldy completes it on her first try and goes absolutely bananas trash talking Grubba, but it's Tally/Deyn's new slow and steady approach that gets them across the line as Eve/Podley arrive. Mysterious unspeaking koala hands over an envelope.

Teams will now leave civilization behind and drive out into the wilderness using an ATV to Birdoroo Bivouacs, a marked territory where a tribe of nomadic Birdos have set up camp. Looking at the provided map, Tally/Deyn are both concerned considering navigation ruined them in last leg's Detour, but they psych themselves up. Deyn emphasizes staying positive. Tally takes the wheel, peals out of the lot, and accidentally swerves into what appears to be nothingness. Both freak out until they realize their vehicle doubles as a hovercraft. They freak out more, then roll with it.

While the others continue to falter, Flo/Maude are second out. As Flo clambers into the driver's seat, confessionals reveal they consider Eve/Podley, Drak/Crimson, and Tally/Deyn their biggest competition. Both agree they won't allow alliances or friendships to stop them from doing what they must to win. Flo notes that Drak/Crimson's Delay and unused Fast Forward complicate matters, as she would love to be rid of such cunning competitors. Garf/Gus and Eve/Podley maintain the beeline and head into the outback. Grubba begins sniping back at Goldy for her denigrations. Drak comments their highly personal exchanges are distracting Grubba rather than motivating him. He and Crimson finish, leaving only Grubba struggling to pogo.

With five teams venturing into the wild, it's Tally/Deyn first to the marked outpost. They've hit their Speed Bump: driving to another marked location designated as Training Safety Grounds and going head-to-head with a crocodile, stopping it with a plunger to the jaws. Tally reacts with complete disbelief and a lot of fear, to which Deyn throws on a brave front and insists her farm background will enable her to wrangle the beast in no time flat and get them on their way.

Back in town, Grubba finally sticks a clean run. His normal flashy showman's veneer is nowhere to be found as he and Goldy go at it. Goldy cites that poor performance as proof that he can't win by himself, but Grubba is having none of it.

The birds happen upon each other in the woods and try to get their bearings together. Eve/Podley leap into the lead at the Birdoroo Bivouacs route marker. Detour time. Instinct has teams construct a traditional-style shaded lean-to using brush materials for baby Birdoroos. Extinct tasks them with building a small campfire and cooking giant Birdoroo eggs three ways: soft boiled, soft scrambled, and over easy. The kicker: W-turn ahead. At that, Podley recommends considering the Fast Forward: driving to a forest of upside down trees and finding the one where Kangaroo Koopa hid away the Magic Statue. From there, they would need to lasso down a vine and swing across a gorge to retrieve the Fast Forward. Eve is instinctively drawn to Instinct but Podley suggests they avoid putting themselves in a vulnerable position doing the Detour. Eve is shocked and humbled by his conjecture that the other teams view them as a threat. They agree to pursue the Fast Forward and drive off.

Tally/Deyn arrive at their Speed Bump, where a couple of blokes are fearfully restraining a crocodile. Deyn quizzically reconsiders her pogo plunger as Tally questions the safety of this ordeal. Snarling and gnashing its teeth together, the crocodile ignores their conciliatory words. Finally Deyn works up enough courage to lunge in, but the crocodile snapping forces her to feint away. Both are uncertain how to overcome this.

After their little detour, the birds find the Detour. Flo/Maude are comically aghast at Extinct's concept, while Garf/Gus don't understand what the big deal is. Both opt Instinct. Mommy/baby Birdoroos celebrate at their approach, hitting Flo/Maude right in the feels and eliciting a confessional where they honor their families they're competing for. The provided example resembles an aboriginal teepee. As they gather materials, Garf comments he's thankful they were impoverished in an urban setting.

Over at the Training Safety Grounds, Tally has taken to her plunger. She bounces erratically around the crocodile, disorienting and distracting it, allowing Deyn to close in and prop the reptile's mouth open with her plunger. They're given the all-clear and race back to the Birdoroo Bivouacs. Tally declares the Speed Bump the craziest and most dangerous thing they've ever done…as a panicked Deyn copes with Tally's wild driving.

Meanwhile, Eve/Podley have navigated into the forest. Eve comments on the relative tranquility, appreciating how the sunlight filters through the exposed tree roots. As they dismount their ATV and begin searching the mazelike interconnected branches on foot, Podley wonders how they will track where they've already searched. With no obvious solution, he concludes that unless Goldy/Grubba or Drak/Crimson also contest them for the FF it won't matter much.

Speaking of, the officers ignore the FF completely, aiming to enact their Delay plan. Drak inquires what's stronger, Crimson's maternal instinct or cooking skills. She is unamused. They opt Extinct, lampshading the irony. Drak is oddly adept at getting even a non-magical fire going but both, having never cooked before, are caught off-guard by the different egg techniques and decide to switch. Both Goldy/Grubba and Tally/Deyn arrive and go Extinct. As Drak/Crimson rendezvous with their allies, they notify them that those two teams are tackling the other side of the Detour. Drak reiterates the strategy to Flo/Maude as a command, causing Flo to Crow!snipe back at him. Despite their size differential compared to the materials, Flo/Maude's truly instinctive nest-building aptitude is allowing them to build while they gather. It's not coming as naturally to Garf/Gus, who are hit/miss on the sticks they retrieve. Garf is having difficulties figuring out how the infrastructure should come together.

Grubba makes some rather dark comments comparing Goldy to the eggs they'll be cooking as he lays a log cabin fire starter. Goldy is surprised when Tally/Deyn come to her aid. Though Deyn struggles to recall optimal kindling technique, Tally goes on fire admonishing Grubba for being a bully and constantly dishing such emotionally hurtful statements to his partner. With the queen of manners lambasting him for having none, Grubba privately grouses that Goldy is no less offensive with her own words. For her part, Goldy confesses she found the entire argument wildly entertaining and satisfying, and is touched that some of her competitors have been real enough to provide her emotional support. A chastised Grubba stands aside when Goldy declares she is able to get the campfire started faster. Using friction from her body, she does.

Away from all the action, Eve/Podley locate the marked hidden nook. They alternate tossing the lasso up toward some vines, but it is Podley who succeeds in knocking them down. Eve jokingly compares them to Tarzan/Jane as they swing to the far side. The Fast Forward directs them to drive their ATV straight to the pit stop back in town, at City Hall to be precise.

Although Drak/Crimson are forbidden from summoning minions to help for this challenge, they move quickly in gathering what they need; Drak has analyzed the lean-to and deduced which components are most essential. Garf/Gus begin to figure it out, with Crimson relaying additional guidance. Flo/Maude amaze themselves with how quickly they finish and share a heartwarming cultural exchange with the Birdoroo families. They're first out of the Detour and are instructed to travel on foot to Way Out Range, an egg-shooting target practice site elsewhere in the bivouacs.

Things have quieted down in the kitchen. Tally/Deyn are unable to keep a flame going long enough to build it up. Deyn jokes this is the reason cooking devices were invented. Goldy/Grubba whip up the scrambled eggs without issue, but flipping over the ginormous egg to fulfill the over easy requirements is a challenge. Additionally, they have to continually mind their fire while cooking.

The Crows arrive at the W-turn. Maude reasons Tally/Deyn are the safest choice because the Speed Bump may have slowed them down. Flo agrees, though verbally wishes Drak/Crimson were a viable option. They lock in U-turning the pink team before looking to the Roadblock ("Who is good at giving directions?"), which has someone wielding a boomerang to complete two objectives: make it return within a marked zone and hit a faraway target. Both do not have to be accomplished in the same throw. Maude steps up to bat.

Minor collapses set Garf/Gus back a few times, but they are making steady progress. Drak/Crimson submit their barebones shelter, but the Birdoroo moms reject it, insisting they provide more shade. Tally/Deyn finally have a serviceable campfire roaring, an oncoming soft boiled egg in a pot and a pan for the scrambled egg going. Goldy/Grubba get their gooey soft boiled egg approved and focus their attention on flipping the over easy egg.

Meanwhile, Eve/Podley are greeted once more by the Down Under Land Mayor, as well as Miles, who congratulates them on their second victory and awards them ATVs not unlike the one they'd used throughout the leg. Both are relieved they saved their Fast Forward to bypass the final Delay and pleased their teamwork has brought them back to good standing. Podley expresses how grateful he is to be having such crazy adventures and making new memories at his age.

Drak/Crimson get their shelter approved, while Goldy/Grubba successfully present a plated over easy. The gold team reaches the W-Turn and are stunned to find themselves absent from the board. Grubba takes the Roadblock and regains some of his usual bravado when he discovers what it is. His voice alerts the newly arrived Drak/Crimson that they were moments too late. As the twins receive their clue, Drak/Crimson briefly entertain the idea of U-Turning their allies for safety reasons, but decide against it. Even though Tally/Deyn are powerless to counter, having used their Delay in Leg 8, Drak/Crimson mark their handiwork and burn the second slot on Flo/Maude.

Like with several tasks previous, Maude is forced to use a flying start to generate any distance on her boomerang. She has to release at an odd angle to get it to fly correctly, but she has little luck. Grubba's sheer strength hits the target within a couple of attempt, but he's way off on getting the boomerang to return. Drak studies the technique of a nearby Boomerang Bro demonstrator…and nails both objectives on his first try, with the boomerang even coming perfectly back to his hand. Crimson says she expected nothing less.

The next clue instructs them to travel by ATV to a marker along the Copperhead River, where they will brave Class 3 whitewater rapids on a wooden raft using only their plungers as paddles. Already undead, the cousins see no danger in this description and make for their ATV as Gus claims a station and begins testing his aim.

Tally/Deyn have the same issues flipping the gargantuan egg in the oversized pan without breaking the yolk, but they manage to serve up their third style and get their clue to Way Out Range. The pair are devastated to find themselves U-Turned in such a manner but decide to stay classy and not dwell. It's a hot day, so they pace themselves on their way to the shelter-building stations. The sight of the Birdoroo babies cheers them up somewhat.

Gus narrates he's not accustomed to throwing his weapon. Clearly. It returns and clocks him upside the head. He's stunned but otherwise okay, although with Flo/Maude's motherly concern, one would think he'd landed himself a trip to the emergency room. Garf cheers him on, and Gus finishes the Roadblock second. Grubba eventually fine-tunes his technique and gets his boomerang to return within the marked zone, leaving only Maude working at it. She takes care of the return-to-sender with a standing throw, but is still struggling to get distance for the faraway target.

Drak/Crimson arrive at the Copperhead and hop onto their raft without hesitation. The water arcs and loops through the air, maintaining dangerous speeds even on ascents. Somewhere along the river is a station where teams must disembark and complete a tangram-like puzzle based off the region's unique fauna to earn the next clue. Neither really reacts to the wild ride.

Tally/Deyn drag the necessary materials to their working area. Both are moving slowly but steadily. Although they try to maintain chipper facades, the overall mood is one of resignation. Meanwhile, Maude strikes gold at the Roadblock. She apologizes to Flo, who is nothing but supportive. The Crows move on.

The two G-teams hit the Copperhead and are much more animated about the rollercoaster-like experience. Garf remarks how enjoyable water activities are without dealing with menaces like the Nibbles in Rogueport's waters. Grubba is particularly aggressive about using his plunger paddle, and his powerful strokes seem to help them make up ground on the twins. Drak/Crimson catch sight of the riverbank puzzle stations. The pieces include a koala, a crocodile, a Toad, a Birdoroo, a Boomerang Bro, Kangaroo Koopa, Mario, Luigi, and Princess Toadstool. They make quick work of it (though with noted distaste on the Mario and Mario lookalike pieces) and receive the clue to the pit stop. A tarp is placed over their finished puzzle to prevent cheating. Conveniently enough, it's a short trip on foot back to where their ATVs were parked.

Garf/Gus enjoy the ride too much and overshoot the puzzles. They try paddling against the current, but are forced to make another loop. Goldy/Grubba have them within sight but don't comprehend what's going on until it's too late. They repeat the same mistake. Cue some petty squabbling, but Grubba quickly shuts off and just keeps paddling. Flo/Maude board a raft and shriek with excitement.

Back at the bivouacs, Tally/Deyn slog through constructing their lean-to. They have some minor stability issues, but eventually pass. Bidding the Birdoroos goodbye with some hugs, they make their way back to Way Out Range, where Tally volunteers for the Roadblock.

Drak/Crimson lock in their second place finish at City Hall. Drak doles out verbal praise to himself and Crimson for masterminding a key elimination on their road to the finals. Crimson notes that, if not for two teams using Fast Forwards, she and Drak could've rattled off three straight wins in the past legs. Both are pleased with how they're balancing their priorities.

The forest green, gold, and violet teams assemble at the puzzle stations. Gus forces Garf to handle the Mario/Luigi pieces. Goldy finds herself with some voice as Grubba actually considers her input. Flo/Maude are delighted by the cute craftsmanship. The pieces fall into place relatively quickly for Flo, earning them the pit stop clue. Goldy/Grubba are minutes behind, while Garf/Gus take a bit longer.

Tally takes her time learning the technique for throwing the boomerang. She lampshades the déjà vu of being in last place and struggling at a Roadblock. Deyn tells her not to worry. Eventually Tally hits the target and they board their ATV for the Copperhead River.

But it's all for naught as the others check into the pit stop, Grubba driving like a madman to earn himself and Goldy third place, with Flo/Maude and Garf/Gus in fourth and fifth. This time it's the end of the road for Tally/Deyn, the eighth team eliminated. Both express nothing but genuine gratitude for the amazing experiences they've had, the sights they've seen, the friends they've made, and the things they've accomplished. The former roommates reaffirm the depth of their friendship with each other and vow to maintain their tight connection even after they marry their fiancés.

LEADERBOARD (w/ RB tallies)

1\. Eve/Podley (5:6 / FAST FORWARD)  
2\. Drak/Crimson (6:6 / USED DELAY)  
3\. Goldy/Grubba (6:6)  
4\. Flo/Maude (5:6 / USED DELAY)  
5\. Garf/Gus (5:6)  
6\. Tally/Deyn (6:5 / U-TURNED) [ELIMINATED]

_**Author's Notes**_ (8/3/2016): Out go Tally/Deyn in the outback. In previous drafts their story was largely tied to their main allies, Plenn/Thriff. However, unlike the Poshley Heights archetypes of Seasons 1/2 and the dynamically similar West Rogueport Toads from Season 3, Tally/Deyn were self-sufficient and generally competent. Their isolation from the main inter-team storylines reinforces their independence and own personal narrative of best friends focused on enjoying one last hurrah together. Other roles included providing a baseline for the season's louder personalities, encapsulating a case study for a team whose main strengths are communication and social intelligence, and Tally's moderation in the Rogueport brothers and Goldy vs. Grubba arcs. Some random quirks, like unnaturally-polite-under-duress Tally's aggressive driving and Deyn's country girl background were particularly fun details.

There was a mid-route scramble where Leg 8 (Sparkling Waters/Frosted Glaicer) was non-elimination, Leg 9 (Down Under Land) saw Plenn/Thriff eliminated, and Leg 10 (Jewelry Land) had Tally/Deyn struggling at the Intersection with Flo/Maude again and then getting eliminated after the Crows escaped danger by Fast Forward. Funny how all that ended up changing. In some alternate reality where the Toads were allied and Tally/Deyn weren't already engaged to significant others, Plenn/Thriff's elimination would've emotionally devastated Tally/Deyn and contributed to their downfall. With two other dominant romance storylines in the season though, it's probably for the best that each got to shine without a showmance in the mix.

The live action aspect of _The Super Mario Bros. Super Show_ received some coverage in the Leg 4 Roadblock. Here, an entire leg is based off of a cartoon episode, specifically "Crocodile Mario." I was pleasantly surprised to see how much material this one had that could be converted into _Race_ tasks. Early in Version 1, Down Under Land was Leg 3. But once the dream to Real World concept was locked in for the first section, it was pushed back and had its difficulty scaled accordingly.


	13. Ep 12: Emotional Whirlwind on Command

**EPISODE 12**: "Emotional Whirlwind on Command" – Flo  
Leg 11: Ladida Plains / Shriek Mansion / Giddy Sky / Bowser's Villa [_Super Princess Peach_]

It's nighttime in Down Under Land as Eve/Podley open the clue instructing teams to fly to Vibe Island. With no means to claim tickets at the closed Oppostralia Airport, they head back into town and start researching at an inn. After the Fast Forward breather leg, Eve looks forward to jumping back into the fray without worrying about Delays.

Meanwhile, the other members of the F5 convene outside the airport and deduce what Eve/Podley are doing. They search for a way to do the same. Due to the relatively friendly cast, Drak/Crimson have largely succeeded at keeping their alliances to the shadows. Crimson maintains the charade as she congratulates Flo/Maude on a successful W-Turn. Maude plays along, commenting on their shrewd on-the-fly strategy. Goldy/Grubba seem none the wiser as Goldy thanks both teams for not targeting them. Grubba blithely proclaims he would've blown through both Detour tasks and had his revenge anyway. It's all business as they find the same inn Eve/Podley are in. Garf/Gus command the only other available computer.

In an extended confessional segment, Garf comments on how well they've done so far. Gus flat-out contradicts him, saying their track record is "crud," with only one win via FF. He's rather unimpressed with their middling résumé and that the highlight is a successful revenge shot on Plenn/Thriff. Garf reminds him that flashy gameplay isn't important. All that matters is getting to the end and finishing first when it counts. The twins reaffirm how life-changing the money would be. Garf confirms the million wouldn't fund the Rogueport turf war, expressing that they'd work hard to pull out of poverty having seen what it's like to truly live on the _Race_.

Eve/Podley and Garf/Gus score, reserving seats on the earliest available flight itinerary. Grubba muscles in first on a computer and scoops up the last tickets, leaving Drak/Crimson and Flo/Maude with a route arriving an hour later. Both are obviously displeased with this development. The Craws are also concerned for their allies, but privately wonder if breaking away and focusing on themselves will give them better odds. Gus notes that while he likes Flo/Maude as people, only one team can win anyway. He prefers that it's himself and Garf.

Come morning, the gray/violet teams are anxiously awaiting standby in the terminal. Drak/Crimson get through, leaving Flo/Maude squarely in last. With parting words of encouragement from Eve/Podley and Garf/Gus, the moms watch the first flight depart. As Drak/Crimson cleanly discuss switching the unstable Goldy/Grubba into their F3 plans, Flo has a mini-breakdown about the irony of birds being doomed by air travel. Maude reassures her with a pep talk and insists they'll stage their own amazing comeback. Still, both are unsettled as they takeoff.

It's afternoon as flight one touches down at Happily High-Flying International, a cloud-based hub above Vibe Island. The teams take Lakitu taxis down to Halcyon Hills, a city on the Ladida Plains. Garf/Gus are first to Good Vibes Café, where they obtain a pair of parasols and drink a cup each of modified Vibe Tea, which amplifies the natural expression of their emotions. Garf's outwardly calm affect is unchanged, but Gus' natural intensity…intensifies. The next clue instructs teams to taxi over to Emotional Outburst, a training facility elsewhere in the city where they will learn to harness their vibes.

While Drak/Crimson seem unaffected by the tea, Eve pulls Podley into a whimsical shout out to _Singin' in the Rain_ with their parasols as they return to their taxi. Goldy/Grubba are even crazier than usual. Crimson speculates that emotional control will be key to accomplishing upcoming tasks. In that case, Drak says, they're due for another win because they have no emotions.

Garf/Gus arrive at the laboratory. Both team members must demonstrate Joy to hover in the air, Rage to catch on fire, and Gloom to spout some waterworks. Gus has no issues tapping into Rage, but Garf is slow to change. Eventully Gus' provocations drive Garf into Rage. However, both struggle to shift back, which only fuels their fires more.

Drak/Crimson are stunned to discover that the emotional control is the sheer opposite of what they expected. Neither make any headway. Eve is pleased their background is coming in handy yet again. Podley agrees, saying that summoning genuine emotion is key to an actor successfully conveying ideas to an audience. Eve cycles through all three Vibes quickly, though Podley is close behind. The next clue has teams traveling by taxi to Pleasant Plateaus, where they will continue a tutorial period of using their Vibes to affect the environment. Both former actors express awe at the abilities the Vibes have conferred. Grubba puts on his showman act, but is unable to activate Joy. An unsurprised Goldy calls him an emotionally stunted sociopath. She easily channels Rage.

In an overlaid confessional, Gus compares showing emotion to showing weakness; Drak outright calls emotion weakness and asserts its purging through reanimation is key to creating an optimized being. Garf talks about the pain of losing their parents early in life and the desperation of knowing nothing but poverty in hopes of eliciting Gloom from himself and Gus. It works. He then, through tears, expresses how amazing it would be to win the _Race_ and live without financial worry, toggling Joy. Garf/Gus leave second. Goldy takes a similar approach to force herself into Gloom and Joy. Grubba, however, is still confused.

Eve/Podley arrive at Pleasant Plateaus. Each must wield Joy to float, spin, and dispel a cloud; Gloom to run quickly across Donut Blocks; and Rage to burn a wooden bridge. Both call upon their Vibes with ease, though taming them to accomplish the tasks takes some maneuvering. Afterward, they ride their parasols like mini-boats across two rivers in a callback to Leg 1. Eve/Podley reminisce on how far they've come. The next clue instructs them to go on foot to the Puzzling Petunia Pastures.

Flight number two lands, releasing Flo/Maude on Vibe Island. They taxi down to Ladida Plains, Flo hoping that problematic tasks are hindering the others. Cut to the gold and gray teams, where Grubba/Drak/Crimson are all still stuck. Frustration is mounting, but not transcending to Rage.

At Pleasant Plateaus, Garf/Gus rely on verbal cues to switch between their Vibes. It's a time-consuming process, but they are quick to solve how to use them to finish the tasks. Meanwhile, Eve/Podley have encountered a puzzle: they have ninety seconds to memorize the colors of ten flying mushrooms, run out into the flower field, and then whack a line of similarly colored flowers, in order, with their parasols. A solution must be locked in before the sequence changes on its timer to earn the next clue. Eve/Podley divide the memorization between them, but find searching the flowers within the allotted time a daunting challenge. Podley compares it to a timed word search, complete with the trickiness of finding an almost-answer. Garf/Gus catch up and have similar complaints. Eve eventually switches to memorizing the entire series herself by turning it into a song, allowing her search without having to double-check with Podley. It works, and the tenth flower blooms with a clue just for them. They're instructed to Lakitu taxi over to Creepy Cliffs, where they will use Gloom to water a vine they'll have to climb to Shriek Mansion.

Flo/Maude are overJoyed to find two teams stuck at Emotional Outburst. They conjure the necessary Vibes to pass and leave in third. Grubba is pissed he wasted their hour-long cushion, and manages to achieve true Rage. However, he gets locked in there. Goldy tells him to fake it 'til he makes it, so he starts angrily ranting about the saddest things he can think of. Drak/Crimson unproductively curse such a dumb task.

Using Gloom to accelerate their running, Garf/Gus rely on the probability of five sequential flowers being part of a correct answer. Even with the blurry eyes from their waterworks, they manage to make it work and pass. Up ahead, Eve/Podley cry onto a sprout, growing it into a beanstalk extending high into the air. They begin their ascent.

Meanwhile, Grubba's stream of conscious rambling is ridiculously exacerbated by Goldy screaming dismal imagery. Drak/Crimson are unable to concentrate with all the racket. Somehow, Grubba achieves Gloom, and he remarks it's the most bizarre thing he's ever felt. With the same strategy they kick him into Joy. The clue holds the ninth and final Fast Forward, which only the gray and gold teams are eligible for: performing a boke and tsukkomi comedy routine to make a roomful of mad and sad locals laugh. Goldy immediately vetoes, saying her own joke delivery is flat…and that Grubba is the un-funniest being she's ever met. Grubba agrees on different grounds, desiring to pull off a win without resorting to taking the cheater's shortcut. Goldy calls him illogical because the FF is part of the game and hypocritical for using the U-Turn without a second thought. Grubba counters he was leveling the playing field by removing another team's advantage and orders her to stop revisiting the same tired argument. They depart in fourth, leaving Drak/Crimson. The cousins debate taking a penalty, but having overheard that Vibes are involved with the next challenge and presumably throughout the leg, they don't see the point. Crimson morbidly wonders if going down in history as the team with the most penalties accumulated in one leg is worth sparing themselves this humiliation, but Drak snaps they simply trade one laughable offense for another. Crimson then suggests taking a four-hour penalty on this task and using the Fast Forward. Unwilling to commit, Drak suggests they try mimicking what everyone else did to create Vibes. Though their commentary is even more gruesome than Goldy's, their deadpan delivery makes it clear they haven't the slightest clue how to fake emoting.

Eve/Podley hop off their vine and enter Shriek Mansion's Forlorn Foyer, where they're instructed to walk through a wall to a hidden room. Eve uses Gloom to spout water, suggesting that the lack of ricochet will reveal the false wall. Her tactic is successful, and they find the next clue directing them to enter Horror Show Theatre, where they will use Rage to break through blocks and light lanterns. Garf/Gus are racing up the vine.

Flo croons about Joy's flight-like weightless sensation as she dispels her cloud. She and Maude move through the extended tutorial quickly, aided by their ability to switch between Vibes seemingly on a whim.

Past the lobby and into the assigned theater room, it's nearly pitch-black. Eve/Podley Rage themselves on fire. Their augmented strength enables them to shatter the obstructions concealing the lanterns, which they light. Once all seven have the room aglow, the clue box whispers into existence and they find the Roadblock ("Who flies through the air with the greatest of ease?"). Eve, though apprehensive due to the hint, takes it, commenting on how everyone has maintained even Roadblock counts in preparation for the final legs. This one involves using the parasol's Slidebrella function to ride through a midair ropes course. Directly after, a puzzle room in the mansion will require team members to hit blocks, making the entire room rotate, in order to reach an exit Warp Pipe.

Drak/Crimson have still made no progress. Crimson presses Drak to make a decision, insisting they are simply wasting time and have nothing to lose by enacting a plan. Finally, Drak acquiesces to her suggestion. They finalize their 4-hour penalty for this Route Marker and open the clue with the Fast Forward. Neither has the first clue about comedy, but they're committed.

Garf/Gus arrive at Shriek Mansion and take a less structured approach to finding the fake wall. Gus ends up falling through it. Meanwhile, the parasol's hook is all that's keeping Eve suspended above a dark abyss. Against a Twilight Trail-like backdrop and with sparks left in her wake, Eve speeds down the first rope. The ride requires her to make ten successful transfers, which she realizes when she sees the second rope starting a distance away from and above the first's end. On the fly, Eve figures out how to make the parasol jump and screams as it literally sends her somersaulting through the air. She misses her target…and after several seconds, finds herself reset at the beginning. Over a confessional of how terrifying it all was, Eve shrieks her way through on her fourth try and reaches the rotating room.

Goldy breezes through using her Vibes on the environment, but Grubba still struggles to call on Joy and Gloom. Predictably, his Rage burns bright over Goldy's showing him up, but she tells him to be more productive with where he focuses his emotions. Eventually he works himself into the right state to break the cloud and sprint over the Donut Blocks. They cross the rivers with their parasols in Bowlbrella mode, Grubba looking mildly contemplative.

In Laidback Lounge, it's anything but laidback as Drak/Crimson find a crowd of mad and sad patrons. They uncertainly give the first of several available scripts a onceover, neither quite understanding what is humorous about the dialogue. Though Vibes aren't necessary for this FF, Joy would've been useful.

The twins Rage-light their room and send an excited Garf onto the high-flying Roadblock, where he completes the ropes portion on his first attempt. Eve struggles slightly to figure out how to solve the rotating room maze, but calms herself and does some midair drawing to come to the solution. She navigates the room, whacking the rotating blocks, and eventually gets the marked Warp Pipe upright, reuniting her with Podley. They're instructed to exit Shriek Mansion and use Rage to power a hot-air balloon to Giddy Sky. Podley skeptically questions how their transport won't just conflagrate in midair, but they get airborne without issue.

Maude takes over memorization duties at the Puzzling Petunia Pastures. While their flight is restricted, Joy is not; she uses it to get a bird's eye view of the field and find the solution relatively quickly. Flo bops the flowers, and they move on to find a taxi to Creepy Cliffs.

Things are going nowhere near as smoothly back at the comedy club. Drak/Crimson read well, but their combined monotonous, dry deliveries do nothing to quell the masses. Gradually the lack of response begins to unnerve the pair, and they wonder why the magic behind the words isn't working. Drak orders everyone to laugh. They do not, and in a confessional, he bewilderedly contrasts his usual charisma when commanding troops with his ineffectual onstage performance.

As Flo/Maude activate Gloom to grow their beanstalk, Goldy/Grubba flounder through the flower puzzle, and Garf tumbles his way to the Roadblock room's exit, Eve/Podley arrive at Giddy Sky's Lightfeather Landing and find the Detour. Rotational Utility requires teams to head to Whimsical Windmills, where they will harness Joy and interconnected windmill blades to charge two capacitors. Upward Mobility sends them to Cloud Nine Stairwell, where they will use a series of stretchy, slingshot-like, floating platforms to move 35 heart-shaped blocks to a higher elevation; Joy is their means to float between them. From this challenge onward, teams are provided with Vibe Crystal necklaces to accommodate the sustained Vibe demands.

Eve/Podley decide on Rotational Utility. They hop in a Lakitu taxi over to the windmill farm and discover that they must build the gear train-like system of windmills themselves. Each blade is long and heavy, requiring both team members to carry. As they get to work, Podley once again reminisces on being frequently relegated to stage crew. Eve expresses happiness that she could join him at this stage in her life. Over footage of them figuring out how to lock in the first few blades they discuss in a joint confessional how their talent differential frequently resulted in them landing different professional roles. Podley at last elaborates on his parting words, "I would only dim your bright future," by explaining that Eve would devote a great deal of their time together tutoring him, trying to boost his skills so that he could join her in an acting capacity. As a result, she would struggle to focus on her own practice and would attend rehearsals increasingly unprepared, tired, and stressed out. Time after time Podley would simply be outclassed by other actors. Fearing that his interference would keep Eve from achieving her dreams, Podley thusly made the fateful decision that would change the course of their lives and went no contact. Despite having heard all this at the Marrymore pit stop, Eve still becomes teary-eyed at this retelling. She wistfully comments on how effective communication could have solved their problems. Podley says it was an unfortunate chain of errors made by two young lovers. Eve reframes the end result as a display of Podley's selflessness, sacrificing his own dreams for hers, and he feebly protests before giving into the compliment. In real time, they screw the last blade onto their first windmill.

Flo/Maude enter Shriek Mansion and inelegantly stumble into walls until they find the false one hiding the clue box. Flo takes the Roadblock. She enjoys the Slidebrella ride a little too much and forgets to jump ropes, failing her first attempt.

Garf/Gus reach Lightfeather Landing, where Gus immediately vetoes Garf's preference for the flying-involved Upward Mobility. They taxi over to Whimsical Windmills. Eve discovers she and Podley somehow overlooked a major detail: the windmill blades are slightly different sizes. They have to dismantle some of their work. Recalling how their handyman skills saved them at the NYC Fast Forward showdown, Garf/Gus dive in with gusto, eager to take the lead.

Back at the Puzzling Petunia Pastures, Grubba tries to brute force through with the five-flower strategy, but each time he either misremembers one in the sequence or starts somewhere in the middle of the ten, keeping him from thwacking out viable solutions. It's Goldy who finally gets all the flowers. She makes her obligatory dig at Grubba for being a forgetful old man before marveling over how competent she is at this leg so far. Grubba for his part is practically turning into an emotional wreck.

Flo navigates the rotating room without much difficulty. She and Maude take flight in the hot air balloon. With a relative break in the action, they Rage about their epic comeback. Maude's flame fizzles slightly when she remembers the last Fast Forward, but she reassures Flo that they have some buffer time against whoever's playing catchup.

Speaking of, Drak/Crimson begin deviating from the scripts, which the tough crowd doesn't appreciate. No pity laughs in sight. Both are beyond frustrated, which pervades their delivery.

It's a construction battle between Eve/Podley and Garf/Gus at Rotational Utility. Garf hypes himself with mild Joy. Pieces seem to fall into place for him with some second sight, and he leads their charge with Gus taking a backseat. Eve/Podley work methodically, double-checking their blade lengths, but the extra caution has slowed their pace. In confessional, Garf admits that while the last leg is what matters, he is as hungry for a win as anyone. He's tired of feeling like a loser, the lowest of the low, in life. Additionally, a win here could give them psychological momentum heading into the home stretch. Noted how they caught fire once the tasks were less Vibe-dependent.

Meanwhile, Grubba is literally on fire. His Rage cancels Goldy's Gloom, effectively stopping her from growing the beanstalk. She quickly gets irritated and cries harder, putting him out. For the first time she seems to really grasp that she holds control in this partnership, and that Grubba's actions do not necessitate reactions from her. She scolds him briefly before beginning the climb. Grubba, still seething with Rage, the only Vibe he's capable of summoning at the moment, follows.

Flo/Maude hit the Detour and choose Upward Mobility. They grab a Lakitu taxi to Cloud Nine Stairwell. Appropriately, nine stretchy platforms of decreasing surface area form an ascending spiral column to the target cloud. Flo experimentally fires the first block. Not enough power. They alternate shots, trying to get a feel for the angling and power necessary to hit the next platform. Maude lands one. She Joy-floats up to fire it to the third and gets lucky. Her next transfer to the fourth, however, comes short, and the block falls all the way to the beginning. The moms discuss how risky this challenge is, but agree that they should make quick progress once they find the sweet spot for each trampoline. Their trial-and-error is interlaced with an extended confessional where Maude reflects on advice a mentor once told her: birds are blessed with flight to reach the stars; they have only to put in the effort to open their wings. She reminisces on showing great promise and potential as a child actress and then suddenly waking up one day in a midlife crisis as a stay-at-home mom, wondering where her life went. Maude says there is nothing inherently wrong with being a reality TV and soap opera junkie, but she is unsatisfied with living vicariously through her son or characters on her screen; she wants to live for herself. She is beyond thankful for the opportunity to travel and have new experiences on the _Race_, but adamant it won't be the highlight of her life. It's the kickstart. Back in the action, Maude shoots the first heart block onto the target cloud. 34 to go.

Goldy/Grubba enter Shriek Mansion's Forlorn Foyer. Both are too happy to ram into the walls in search of the fake. In Horror Show Theatre, Grubba's latent Rage shatters the blocks and lights the lanterns, which Goldy sarcastically praises him for. After a short argument wherein Grubba says his wrestling background qualifies him best according to the hint and Goldy says it's never that obvious, Goldy shuts him down and claims the Roadblock. She fails her first ride through the Slidebrella ropes course and notes it would've been easier for her to traverse it with her body.

A brief check on Flo/Maude shows they're making steady progress, with 5 blocks up top. Flo experimentally tries shooting two blocks from the lowest platform, but neither make the mark.

Over at Whimsical Windmills, both teams are putting the finishing touches on their windmill train. Garf/Gus get theirs approved first and connect the first capacitor. Garf talks himself into Joy and starts spin-hovering at the first windmill, generating power through the system. Even with the Vibe Crystal necklace it quickly takes an emotional toll and he is forced to trade places with Gus, who takes longer to activate his Vibe. Eve/Podley complete their system and Eve jumps into place as the generator. Her Joy is immediate, and she feels it with such strength that she begins spinning faster than normal. While Garf/Gus charge their first capacitor in fits and starts, Eve charges both the first and over half of the second by herself. Podley swaps in and easily finishes the remainder as Garf maximizes his team's first. Podley opens the Route Info, which instructs teams to take a Lakitu taxi to Bowser's Villa, where they will have to traverse three long hallways, mimicking the poses of statues while being watched by enormous Thwomps. Beyond that is the pit stop, where the last team to check in _will_ be eliminated.

Eve/Podley return to their waiting taxi and set course for the dreary castle on the nearby mountaintop. Garf/Gus power through and charge their second capacitor, but they're emotionally drained by the end. Both are relieved to hear their final obstacle doesn't involve Vibes. Gus has enough sass left to sarcastically quip about the _Race_ reusing locations: "How many castles does this guy have?!"

Goldy fumbles through the Slidebrella course and trial-and-errors herself through the rotating room, the latter of which she deems an analog to Grubba's nonsensical psyche. She reunites with him and they board the hot-air balloon, where Grubba's low-simmering Rage comes handy once again. Goldy contributes, and they start flying. Somehow their conversation remains civil enough for them to agree that they're probably safe.

Flo/Maude have the bottom four platforms down to a science. Each focuses on following one block at a time up the stairway as opposed to handing it off. They're at 11 out of 35. Flo admits that using Joy to travel instead of regular flight gets a bit dizzying, and she is starting to have to take a moment at each platform to reorient herself.

Eve/Podley arrive at Bowser's Villa and follow _Race_ flags to the challenge halls. An absolutely ginormous Thwomp lines the entire left wall. Eve involuntarily shrieks when the Thwomp's eyes flicker open and search about. It spots them and its mouth reveals a red vortex that vacuums them in. Moments later they mysteriously find themselves back in the doorway. Podley notices the statues they're instructed to mimic to avoid being reset: likenesses of Princess Peach standing with an open parasol. The lavender team runs a short distance down the hallway before striking the pose when the Thwomp's eyes open. This time it doesn't notice them, and they get to continue. Eve calls it the scariest mashup between Simon Says and Red Light, Green Light she's ever seen. On the next timeout they discover the Thwomp activates if both of them aren't positioned correctly when Podley freezes with his parasol held down. They manage to graduate to the second hall without further incident.

Garf/Gus find themselves in a separate but identical first hallway. Both are so eager for a win that they completely miss the statues for several rounds. Gus goes into minor Rage, which accomplishes nothing. He drily comments this is much worse than waking up shackled in a torture chamber. They eventually catch on and maneuver to the second hallway, where the pose involves crouching with the parasol covering the top of one's body. Eve/Podley are already through and figuring out the final (and longest) hall, where the pose involves having the parasol open in midflight. Timing is everything—there's a specific window after the Thwomp's eyes flicker open that triggers the vacuum mechanism. In the balancing game between making progress and maintaining it, Garf/Gus push their luck, avoiding several close calls as they proceed into the third chamber. Both teams come close to the end several times before making critical errors and getting sent back to the hall's beginning. Finally, one breaks through. Blaise and an anthropomorphic yellow parasol named Perry congratulate Eve/Podley on their second consecutive win; Blaise awards them a six-day trip for two to Wavy Beach. Their Joy is obvious. Eve is proud of how far they've come, and Podley optimistically says they can win if they sustain this caliber of performance. Garf/Gus settle for second, albeit reluctantly. Their Vibes are still fizzled out. Garf recognizes that this placement is no small feat; living as they have has likely stunted their emotional health, so to do so well on this leg speaks well to how deep they can dig to find inner strength to keep going.

Goldy/Grubba initially select Upward Mobility. They join Flo/Maude, who are sitting at 29 blocks. Upon seeing how Joy-intensive it is, Grubba demands they switch, reasoning he'd be useless. Goldy leaps upon that for a comeback, but agrees. They taxi to Rotational Utility, where Grubba takes the brunt of the grunt work moving the blades. Goldy is miffed until Grubba allows her to handle the actual assembly and states her ability to feel Joy will be crucial to finish. Their work atmosphere is noticeably less tense than usual as they get a system going.

Flo/Maude finish the Detour and Joy themselves to the top, where they receive their clue to Bowser's Villa. With Goldy/Grubba preoccupied constructing the windmill train, Flo/Maude are unchallenged on their journey to third place, notably clearing the notorious third hallway on their second try. Both have Joy to spare as Maude happily crows about their come-from-behind comeback. She expresses confidence that they have what it takes to win.

Goldy singlehandedly charges both capacitors, receiving unexpected non-backhanded encouragement from Grubba when she emotionally tires. They squabble a little at Bowser's Villa when Goldy repeatedly mistimes her parasol poses, but are relatively Calm when they receive their fourth place finish. Grubba grudgingly admits that Goldy carried the team this leg. Goldy is unsure what to make of his praise and what it means moving forward.

With the F4 checked in, a highly amused Blaise goes onto the course to eliminate Drak/Crimson, who pretty much give up on the Fast Forward after the longest, most awkward, unfunny three hours of their undead lives. He points out that for all their hubris and past success, they didn't even make it past this leg's second Route Marker. Drak bitterly blames the game for conspiring against them. Crimson wonders if, in losing their past lives, they also lost some traits that make life worth living. Both are clearly shaken by this defeat, and Crimson says they will need time to process and analyze their _Race_ experience before they can figure out how to proceed.

LEADERBOARD (w/ RB tallies)

1\. Eve/Podley (6:6)  
2\. Goldy/Grubba (7:6)  
3\. Flo/Maude (6:6)  
4\. Garf/Gus (6:6)  
5\. Drak/Crimson (6:6) [ELIMINATED]

_**Author's Notes**_ (10/12/2016): Sad to see Drak/Crimson go, but they were locked into a lategame exit with the _SPP_ leg since the second draft. Unlike with Grodus, the audience was generally privy to their strategies throughout the season. Following the ousters of their original allies, it seemed everything was going their way. High finishes, eliminations of non-pawn threats, and one last Fast Forward for the taking…until they hit a themed leg they couldn't overcome. Their low-key strategic villain edit would've been dialed up starting in Leg 8 to milk this catastrophic breakdown. For the record, both have obviously shown emotion throughout the season and are thus likely capable of harnessing Vibes. This is simply a case where perception became reality and Drak/Crimson created an insurmountable obstacle for themselves.

In other news, everyone else's stories are transitioning toward the finale. The big question is who will fall one leg short?


	14. Ep 13: Masters of the Universe

**EPISODE 13**: "Masters of the Universe" – Flo  
Leg 12: Toy Time Galaxy / Ghostly Galaxy / Honeyhive Galaxy [_Super Mario Galaxy_]

It's early morning when Eve/Podley excitedly learn the _Race_ is finally blasting off! Everyone is equalized on a spaceship slated to depart shortly after Goldy/Grubba's pit start time. In a confessional, Flo is giddy about having survived to one of the series staples: the outer space leg. She wonders on the whereabouts of the obligatory golf challenge, however. Gus is oddly calm about the leg's setting, but anticipates he'll be a nervous wreck during takeoff. Meanwhile, Goldy finds Grubba's recent behavior the wackiest thing of all. Grubba admits he embarked on a fool's errand from the beginning, but was simply too unaccustomed to working as anything but a solo act. He claims to recognize that teamwork is essential to win and restore his name to glory, but Goldy isn't buying it.

All four teams settle in as they depart for an unknown destination. As expected, Gus practically squeezes Garf's arm off. During the trek, everyone admires the vast scenery outside their windows. In a confessional, Eve recalls a time one of her sons admitted to being scared of the dark. Podley appropriately interjects how problematic that is, considering where Eve lives. Agreeing, Eve continues by explaining how she painted darkness as something beautiful. She hopes to show her children something this breathtaking someday. In a different confessional, Flo/Maude express gratitude for getting to fly where no Crow has flown before. Both are very proud and in slight disbelief at having reached the penultimate leg. Maude states that they'll enjoy every moment of outer space, but remaining focused on the end goal is key. Garf/Gus, on the other hand, are all business. Gus harbors lingering frustration over missing victory in the previous leg. Garf reiterates the final leg is where it counts. He asserts that they have what it takes to win; they just need to get there.

Goldy quickly loses interest in space and focuses on more pressing matters: her partner. When her crude interrogation goes nowhere, she goes full-blown therapist and starts psychoanalyzing his behavior, which irritates Grubba enough for him to snap at her. However, he stands by his claims. Having never collaborated with anyone in a similarly high-stakes environment, he mistakenly viewed her as an opponent to his success rather than an ally. In order to recapture his former glory, he says it's best if they leverage both their skills to give them an edge. Cue Goldy eye roll. Bout time. Through it all he never once apologizes, something she later notes in a confessional. She also questions how Grubba could possibly think a last-minute heel-face turn can help restore his reputation as the best, considering they never even won a leg. Goldy believes he's completely delusional, but concludes it doesn't matter as long as he helps her win. That way she can quit her day job dealing with weirdos like him.

The spaceship docks at the Comet Observatory's Garage. Everyone disembarks and heads to the central platform. Rosalina warmly greets the teams and assigns a Luma to each racer. Eve/Flo/Maude coo over their temporary surrogate children, while Goldy becomes irrationally annoyed by how attached hers immediately gets. Grubba naturally hyuks it up, saying he can't tell which is which. Rosalina gives a crash-course on several important mechanics: using the Star-Spin with their Lumas; activating Launch Stars, Sling Stars, and Pull Stars; and not-panicking if they fall into a black hole. Everyone starts at that last bit, but there's no time to dwell—the next clue instructs them to find the Engine Room.

Hijinks ensue as Eve/Podley and Goldy/Grubba cat-mouse each other around the Comet Observatory. Gus is outvoted by his fellow birds, who decide to work from the upper levels down. It pays off as they enter an industrial-looking dome and get confirmation from a black Luma named Polari, as well as a clue instructing them to shoot themselves through the pre-programmed Launch Star to the Toy Time Galaxy. While Flo/Garf/Maude find that first high-speed launch through space absolutely exhilarating, Gus screams himself silly. Upon arrival at a giant planet comprised of a circular train track with two trains, he declares himself already over this leg. Too bad—there are six more Launch Stars hovering above the track, and teams have to find the one leading to a train engine-esque planet.

Both teams agree to return and inform each other which is correct. As they part ways, Garf privately expresses relief that the alliance stands despite Drak/Crimson's elimination. In a confessional, Gus acknowledges how strange it is to maintain an alliance at this late stage, but admits it comes with gang mentality: a pledge of loyalty means loyalty for life. The unexpectedly strong trust and friendship between both teams doesn't hurt. Plus, Gus asserts that the moms pose a lesser threat than the others. Meanwhile, as Flo/Maude make a trip back to the starting planet, Maude offhandedly wonders how train enthusiasts Laki/Mai would've reacted to these trains…in outer space. In their own confessional, Flo laments not being able to connect with the early eliminations; listening to but not talking with everyone in the beginning was torture for a social butterfly like herself. Maude agrees, but rationalizes they needed to find their ground as racers first, and the One-Way Mirror's isolation helped with that. In real time, the Crows find the appropriate Launch Star. True to their word, they backtrack and notify the Craws.

At the giant train—a mechanical colossus composed of blocks, gears, and conveyor belts—teams must transform using Spring Mushrooms and then traverse the planet to a marked Launch Star, navigating vertical walls with narrow pink sections of localized gravity along the way. If one team member successfully reaches the endpoint, the partner is automatically able to reset at the beginning of the second car. Both teams power up and start bouncing away, Gus proclaiming he will channel his inner Goldy.

She-who-was-named complains that the Engine Room just _has_ to be in the last place they check before launching with Grubba.

Almost immediately, Gus accidentally boings himself off the planet. Before the black hole can claim him, a force field encircles him and deposits him back near the Spring Mushroom dispenser. A nearby Gearmo chirps they have protections in place, but Gus nevertheless deadpans how dangerous this is ("I don't have 99 lives, you know!"). Garf displays promise, but he and Flo/Maude reset as well.

Eve/Podley finally notice the naming convention of the domes and locate the correct Launch Star to the Toy Time Galaxy.

After a particularly scary dive, Garf recognizes that bouncing around willy-nilly—using big leaps and going upside-down—while flashy and fun, disorients them. He passes on a suggestion to hop conservatively and upright to his allies before fully traversing the planet himself. Gus has issues navigating the narrow gravity path on the second car, but the shortcut provided by his twin's success now saves him the trouble of dealing with the first. It's Flo/Maude who complete the full crossing first. Their Spring powers dissipate as they digest the next Route Info: the Launch Star will shoot them into a life-sized "gingerbread" house, which they must escape through one of the walls.

The launch path circles the next planet once, allowing teams a look at the four buildings. Instead of graham crackers, the walls are thick cake slabs with solid building blocks nestled throughout like stray bricks. Flo/Maude are deposited through the chocolate bar chimney. Neither feels particularly peckish, so Flo worries their small stomachs will prove disadvantageous. Maude reminds her of a _TAR5_ Roadblock; bite and spit is a perfectly valid tactic. They get to work, not noticing the provided equipment: an ice cream cone with a sharpened point, a popsicle with a chisel-like stick, and a lollipop with a mallet-shaped sweetmeat, all three frozen completely through and the size of two-handed tools.

Goldy/Grubba reach the train planet, where they observe Spring Gus bouncing away. Goldy brags this challenge will be super-duper easy because the bouncing movement is so familiar to her. Grubba boasts that his fighting experience lends him the same ease. Naturally, both fail their first try spectacularly, Grubba even attempting one giant leap to the linking section between the two cars and falling quite short. However, Goldy controls herself and finishes on her second. As a force field drops Grubba at his new starting point, Gus reaches the end. Garf/Gus launch into an untouched house.

Flo says the challenge is like _Willy Wonka_ meets _Extreme Makeover: Home Edition_. Ironic, as the demolition tools still go unnoticed. Both are shoveling through the dense cake with their beaks, periodically encountering an unexpected pocket of jelly or icing. It's a messy affair. In a confessional, Maude notes that their bodies require smaller escape tunnels than the other teams. Their body size/shape has provided its fair mix of benefits/problems throughout the _Race_; they must strive to make the most of situations like this where they have a well-defined advantage. Meanwhile, the twins have picked a spot and started eating. Garf calls their pastry prison a lifetime sugar rush supply. Gus hopes it gives them the quick and dirty energy they need to jet through the leg.

Eve/Podley arrive at the Spring Mushroom task just as Grubba straddles the gravity path to the finish zone. The gold team goes blasting off again. The lavender team finds the learning curve difficult. Eve is unnerved already being one full challenge behind, but reminds herself to stay positive. Both take the conservative approach from the get-go, but keep having sudden missteps that fling them toward the black hole.

Garf/Gus have slowed their ravenous eating pace, Gus commenting they're not used to eating so much. Meanwhile, Goldy is absolutely going to town. Grubba hyuks that she's a black hole in the form of Ms. Pac-Man. In her first obvious post-leg confessional, Goldy is still spazzing out from sugar aftershocks. Though Grubba is eating his fair share, Goldy near-effortlessly carves a Fuzzy-sized tunnel herself. Maude hits another embedded toy block and is forced to shovel around it. Flo exclaims their beaks weren't made for this type of activity.

Eventually Eve/Podley get the hang of the Spring Mushroom and bounce their way across the second vertical path to the finish. They launch into their house with a sizable time deficit, but Podley quickly deduces that eating their way out is an unreasonable expectation. That skepticism causes them to be the first to notice the provided tools. They start digging using the cone and popsicle. Podley uses his vest to shield his hands from the popsicle's cold surface, while Eve is largely unaffected. She sneaks a couple bites of cake, mumbling how she didn't even get a taste during their Marrymore Wedding Cake fiasco.

All four teams continue chipping away at their walls. Flo/Maude finally notice the tools, but deem them too unwieldy to be of any use at this point, given the cramped passageway they've crafted. It's Goldy who suddenly breaks through to the outside. Eyes more manic than usual, she lets out a battle cry and begins snarfing in the approximate location of Grubba's progress. She gripes about Chubba being too fat to fit through her initial tunnel between bites. Garf/Gus realize that stuffing their faces isn't the only way to proceed, but the damage is done. They keep digging with their hands, both clearly suffering stomach discomfort. Grubba too begins feeling sick from overeating, but he stubbornly declares he won't be done in by something as benign as cake ("Now if it were poisoned, that'd spin a different story!").

Amazingly, Goldy meets Grubba in the middle. He enlarges the hole with his fists and shimmies through, Goldy babbling rapid-fire nonsense about taking the lead. They use a marked Launch Star to a giant plate planet where the clue box is sheltered by a fork's tines. The next Route Info instructs them to use another Launch Star to an 8-bit Mario planet constructed from Flip Tiles, Shrinking Tiles, and lava. From a safe platform at the lower boot, teams will use remote game controllers to move a Mario-like robot around the precarious planet, collecting five fake Silver Star pieces.

Goldy practically vibrates as she screams that she'll have trouble with fine motor control, having so much sugar flowing through her system. Grubba gives her credit for carrying the first two tasks, and tells her to leave this to him. They launch again. However, they discover at the shoe that each team member must physically use one half of a Wiimote-Nunchuk peripheral. Grubba takes the Nunchuk, and therefore the control stick, leaving Goldy in charge of commanding the robot to jump. They soon learn that letting their robot fall off the planet and into the black hole resets their Silver Star piece count. There is no safety checkpoint; a perfect run is required to pass. It's an obvious exercise in communication…which is their biggest weakness. Very quickly, they start sniping at each other.

Flo/Maude emerge from a single tunnel, hot on the leaders' heels. They join Goldy/Grubba at the Mario planet. The Wiimote isn't very intuitive to them, especially for Flo, who finds directing the control stick awkward with her one foot. They Crow!speak feedback to each other, which quickly grates on Goldy/Grubba's nerves. Goldy's jump timing is ironically near-nonexistent, which keeps putting them back.

Eve/Podley smash through the cake wall next. Upon their arrival with the others, Flo/Maude voice concern about their allies. Garf/Gus, having not noticed the tools, are still moving comparatively slowly, and Gus mutters that he needs to throw up. Meanwhile, Podley shows great aptitude for the robot challenge. Eve, on jump duty, follows his lead. Grubba notices that the violet/lavender teams begin getting momentum. He muscles Goldy into shuffling around in front, impeding the others' line of sight. Though the planet is tilted upward on the far side (which enables teams some depth perception and allows them to see the tile boundaries), the distance, combined with his distraction, begins causing problems. Podley and Maude are especially vocal in calling him out on such brutish gameplay, but Grubba retaliates that all's fair in gaining an edge. Goldy complains that his maneuvering doesn't even help them; they keep failing to even collect one Silver Star because his attention is divided. Flo/Maude go airborne to avoid Grubba, which actually frees Flo to use both feet and gives her greater control of the robot. While Eve/Podley and Goldy/Grubba jockey for position on the shoe, Flo/Maude manage to grab all five Silver Star pieces. They coalesce into a translucent Power Star, which is Flo/Maude's ride to the next destination.

After rapid transit through space, the Crows find themselves at the Gate Planet for the Ghostly Galaxy, a creepy collection of rocky planets with an immense Haunted Mansion at its center. Jack O' Goombas look on as they discover the Roadblock ("Who sees what really matters?"), which Maude takes. It involves navigating a separate mansion called the Darkness Room Planet where spotlight-shaped regions dictate which parts of the mansion exist as matter at any given time. With restrictions placed on her flight, Maude takes the Launch Star into a green void with only splotches of a decrepit room visible. Her first attempt ends in failure when the spotlight abruptly backtracks away from a key needed to unlock the first door. The same protective force field bubble swoops in and deposits her at the beginning.

Meanwhile, Podley has muscled into a vantage point that Grubba cannot physically push him from. He and Eve keep falling just shy of their fifth Silver Star, often due to a large gap of missing Shrinking Tiles activated by Grubba running his robot across. In a confessional, Eve comments on how the aggression and competitiveness of someone who really wants something intensifies when that end goal is in sight. Sometimes that involves getting a little pushy. To that end, she and Podley work together to cut off Goldy/Grubba's path around the planet, interfering with their interference. It pays off, and Eve/Podley depart second. Grubba complains, in confessional, that the robot challenge exemplifies best why he works alone—Goldy's one job was to press a button, and she struggled with that.

Podley takes the Roadblock clue a little too literally and recommends Eve for the job. She begins the trek through the Darkness Room Planet, seemingly in a separate dimension from Maude. The gaps in the floor on the initial stretch trip her up on her first few tries. Maude audibly reminds herself that patience is key. She works her way up a vertical ascent, prioritizing activating the key on each floor that unlocks a staircase to the next. At last she reaches the top and snags the Power Star, which transports her back to Flo. Together they Crow!read the Route Info, which instructs them to take the nearby twisting stone tunnel into the Haunted Mansion and use Boo Mushrooms to phase through some walls, while avoiding overhead light beams, to a clue box.

Several Boos pull faces as Flo/Maude fly into the foyer and transform. Boo Flo notices they're bigger as Boos than as Crows. That awareness doesn't immediately translate, as they get tagged by the swinging pendants on the edge of their bodies, causing them to revert to normal and have to rush back to the beginning for new power-ups.

Garf/Gus finally dig out of their diabetes dungeon. They sluggishly run for the following Launch Stars, arriving at the 8-bit Mario planet just as the stars somehow align for Goldy/Grubba. The gold team comments, rather blithely, on the forest green team's haggard appearance before riding away on the Power Star. The Craws start controlling their robot. Gus drily matters something about the Mario-on-Mario action before vomiting over the side of the shoe. Garf follows suit. Wonder twin powers, activate…?

Grubba impatiently tries to outpace the matter spotlight, but he's repeatedly foiled by it suddenly backtracking or going an unexpected direction. Meanwhile, Eve monologues on the relative peace in this quiet void, where her speed is dictated by forces outside her control. She finds it calming compared to the self-propelled hectic rush they've had to maintain. As she reaches the top and touches the Power Star, she bids farewell to the Darkness Room Planet.

Eve/Podley enter the Haunted Mansion and go ghost. Whatever centering effect Eve derived from the Roadblock pays off; she clears the course her first try. While Podley gets acquainted with the rhythms of the lights, Flo/Maude reach the end. They Crow!read the next Route Info. It instructs them to take the nearby Launch Star to the Boo Race Zone, where they will have to activate Pull Stars for each other to navigate a lane of bones and meat slabs. At the very end is a Launch Star to their next galaxy.

Flo/Maude arrive at the start planet, a spherical rock bearing a few dead trees. The course in its entirety is plainly visible, and the Crows are unsettled by the proximity of so many unguarded black holes. They test the mechanics of the closest Pull Stars with assistance from their Lumas. Each Pull Star only permits one activation at a time, preventing racers from complete piggybacking. With verbal communication, depth perception, and timing involved, there's a decent learning curve. Flo/Maude work into an alternating movement pattern. If one falls into a black hole, they both automatically fail and have to return to the beginning. Partway into the first bend they encounter several bone-in meat bumpers. Flo rams into one and shrieks at how _squelchy_ it feels as Maude scrambles to reel her back into a Pull Star.

Garf/Gus have an intuitive feel for the Mariobot from the start, and they finish relatively quickly. Garf opts to do the Roadblock. However, the jumping involved does no favors for his queasiness. Meanwhile, Grubba forces himself to chill out and stay near the spotlight's center instead of lead the front. That backfires once he enters the vertical section and gets caught underneath a ceiling. Upon being deposited all the way back at the beginning, he complains about having to readjust his strategy yet again. In the waiting area, sugar-high Goldy is driving Gus nuts.

Boo Podley navigates the Haunted Mansion's halls and reunites with Eve. They proceed to the Boo Race Zone. As Eve targets his first Pull Star, Podley comments how in lieu of travel, this leg is hammering them nonstop with difficult tasks. Over at the final stretch, Flo/Maude push off from a Pull Planet and carefully float through a field of small bombs (though Maude takes a hit in the process) to the ringed goal planet. The Crows leap into the next Launch Star…

…which powerfully shoots them through space to the gargantuan main planet of the Honeyhive Galaxy. Bouncing blue blobs called Slurples hop over and deliver an envelope containing the Detour. Both options involve another transformative power-up: the Bee Mushroom. Busy Bees requires them to travel to a nearby honeycomb cavern, where they will use their Bee Suits as carriers to transfer enough honey to fill a 64-gallon-drum-sized honeypot. Buzzy Bees requires them to ascend the planet via a Sproutle Vine and some Sling Stars to the Observation Deck, where they will work together to move three crates of Star Bits across an aerial gap. Then, they will take a Launch Star to a Mandibug-infested planet where each team member must snag a flag from a bomb-dropping mammoth named Bugaboom.

Flo/Maude consider their disadvantages within each before settling on Busy Bees. They suit up, appreciating the yellow-and-black-striped aesthetic of their new overalls, and test out the flying capabilities as they search for the honey cave. Upon finding it, however, they balk at the giant honeypots and declare that they're switching. In a post-leg interview, they debate the merits of Detour switching, especially on the penultimate leg, but justify it given their lead. In real time, the unmarked beginning of Buzzy Bees is proving difficult to locate.

With no lack of bellyaching, Grubba scales the Darkness Room Planet. He and Goldy proceed into the Haunted Mansion and go ghost, but find themselves a bit too accustomed to the spotlight. Garf finishes the Roadblock not far behind. He and Gus give chase.

Eve/Podley pull themselves through the minefield and launch to the Honeyhive Galaxy. Buzzy Bees sounds faster, so they become bees. Meanwhile, after a few false starts, Bee Flo/Bee Maude are now on the right track. They whirl themselves up the Sproutle Vine onto some honeycomb pads arranged around the main tree trunk. As they begin making their way around, Bee Maude notes that the Bee Suit's flying stamina prevents one from simply bypassing the obstacle course.

Boo Garf/Boo Gus take a few tries getting acquainted with the course, but their prior experience sneaking around in Rogueport moves them up a spot as they enter the Boo Race Zone. In an interview, Gus throws away the notion of chasing that first-place finish and stresses this is the one leg where avoiding last is the most important thing. Garf discusses how racing at the rear differs from being in the lead pack. Boo Goldy/Boo Grubba, now in last, bicker as they keep messing up. One attempt fails when they spread the length of a hallway to cross, not remembering that ghosts can occupy the same physical space.

Bee Eve/Bee Podley benefit from seeing the leaders' progress and extrapolate backwards, negating one of Buzzy Bees' main obstacles: finding the starting point. Bee Flo/Bee Maude ascend the tree without much trouble and Sling Star to the Observation Deck. Next: moving the Star Bit boxes. While Star Bits themselves are quite light, it's the cumbersome size of the crates that, paired with concentrating on their bee wings, make this a challenge. Additionally, the gap they must traverse would normally take about three-fourths of their flight stamina. The moms spend some time experimenting holding the crates—even with their wings—and pairing it with flight. Bee Maude realizes that their Bee Suit affords them the ability to fly backwards, which they both momentarily geek out over. For their first trip she tries it, but they end up dropping with their cargo to the net below when her inexperience causes her to zigzag slightly.

Garf/Gus are queasier than ever after pinballing through the meat bumpers, but they manage to avoid losing control and falling into the black holes. Boo Goldy/Boo Grubba make it through the mansion and launch to the Boo Race Zone.

Bee Podley comments on how good the honeycomb smells and wonders how space honey would taste in drinks. The former actors make quick time reaching the Observation Deck and get started moving their Star Bit crates. The violet team has switched to having both members fly sideways, which seems to work best for them. They get their third box to the storage area and are cleared to launch straight to the next planet. It's absolutely infested with Mandibugs. Though Bee Flo/Bee Maude find the sight incredibly appetizing, the beetles forcibly strip their Bee Suits with their mandibles. Bugaboom flies in a U-shaped pattern around the planet, red flags affixed to his carapace, blue to the underside of his thorax…near his explosives hole. Flo/Maude spot the Bee Mushroom respawn nearby but take a moment to talk through their approach, especially regarding who will claim the underbelly flag.

Garf/Gus hit the Honeyhive Galaxy. Straightaway Gus says no to the contents of Buzzy Bees, so they opt for Busy Bees instead. They suit up and start getting sticky. Bee Gus complains the cavern's sweet smell is very overpowering.

Back in the Boo Race Zone, Goldy/Grubba approach the minefield and waste a lot of time 'accidentally' slinging each other into mines. Goldy actually loses control of Grubba and lets him get sucked into a black hole, forcing them to start all over again. Grubba is absolutely furious.

Eve/Podley find themselves de-powered on arrival at Bugaboom's domain. Bee Flo hovers in place, aiming to snag one of Bugaboom's blue belly flags. Her timing is off, and she ends up landing in the river, causing her Bee Suit to deactivate. Podley powers up and gives it a shot, with Flo also taking to the sky soon after. Both are unsuccessful.

The twins are practically full-body bathing in honey. Ironically, their facial feathers are better carriers than the relatively smooth Bee Suits. Bee Gus quips this is the dirtiest he's ever gotten for money. Bee Garf helps him shuck as much honey off his body as possible before they both head back.

Goldy/Grubba finally get their act together and clear the mines. They launch into the Honeyhive Galaxy and identify Busy Bees as their best option. Bee Goldy takes one look at the honey cavern and declares she's in heaven, having found the nectar of the gods. Bee Grubba orders her not to eat any and focus, but she makes no promises. Immediately his size and her general stickiness pay off, as they're able to transfer goops and oodles of honey each trip. The Craws aren't paying attention to the gold team's antics, but Bee Garf recognizes the urgency their opponents' advantages raise.

Bee Podley's reach enables him to get a flag. Bee Flo again falls short. Bee Eve takes flight and uses a Fling Flower to reach the elevation she needs to try for the red flags. Bugaboom notices and starts flying sideways to thwart her efforts. That creates an opening for Bee Flo to snag the underside flag she needs. Bee Maude joins the hunt, and she manages to claim the second flag quickly. The Crows get their next Route Info instructing them to take a Launch Star to a planet of floating flower platforms that they will need to navigate to yet another Launch Star to the Queen's castle, the pit stop where the last team to check in _will_ be eliminated.

Eve grabs her flag soon after. It's a race to the mat. Flo/Maude squander their head start at the Flower Planet when both get hit by jets from water fountains. They're forced back to the Bee Mushroom spawn point. Bee Eve escapes unscathed, but Podley also falls prey to the fountains. The Crows dodge through the rhythmic sprays first and take the last Launch Star to the Queen Bee Planet. One last honey wall ascent remains. The lavender team reaches it seconds behind. In the process of climbing and flitting between the honey hexagons, Bee Eve/Bee Podley are more ambitious with their flying times, and it pays off as they overtake the Crows. At the final platform, they take a Sproutle Vine to the courtyard and fly over to the raised platform holding the mat. Flo/Maude arrive after, and both teams good-naturedly congratulate each other on a hard-fought finish. Honey Queen welcomes them. Miles informs everyone they've qualified for the final leg and the million-coin prize. He further awards first-place finishers Eve/Podley an out-of-the-Mushroom-World seven-day vacation to the Gold Leaf Galaxy and first-class accommodations for this pit stop period. Both teams express pride at having made it this far, as well as hope that Garf/Gus round out the finalists' circle.

Things are looking sticky for the twins. In their narrow-minded focus they failed to notice that the example Bees were using their wings to fly between the honeycombs and the honeypots; the heat generated by their wings helped thin out the honey, making it easier to remove from their bodies. The twins did no such thing, and some of the coagulation is making their movements sluggish. Meanwhile, Bee Goldy is absolutely manic, bringing honey by the body-load and taking a taste for herself each time. Bee Grubba's sheer surface area helps make up for his own slowed movements. In the end, the gold team's honeypot overflows with its bounty, and the therapist/patient take off in third. The twins try and keep the hope alive, but they have a gut feeling it's no use. Bee Gus says this time it's not indigestion.

Goldy/Grubba check in third, earning the right to race for the moolah. Goldy is ecstatic, moreso than usual due to the sugar high, and Grubba requests a restraining device so that she doesn't bounce herself into deep space. On a more serious note he calls out any detractors who doubted that he would make it to the finals, and claims that the title is all his for the taking.

Some time later, the defeated twins check in and become the season's tenth and final elimination. Both are dejected, knowing they lost their chance at winning the life-changing money. Garf takes solace in having seen the incredible world beyond Rogueport for themselves and knowing that there are so many possibilities in life. He is also grateful for the opportunity to reaffirm his bond and friendship with his brother. Gus echoes the sentiments, adding that although the money mattered, even if nothing in their lives ever improves, at least they'll have these memories together.

LEADERBOARD (w/ RB tallies)  
1\. Eve/Podley (7:6)  
2\. Flo/Maude (6:7)  
3\. Goldy/Grubba (7:7)  
4\. Garf/Gus (7:6) [ELIMINATED]

_**Author's Notes **_(01/31/2017): And it's the twins lost in space. Back in Episode 8's notes, I mentioned that another team replaced Dupree/Goom Goom in the F4. Matter of fact, said team also replaced Garf/Gus in the F3. Despite acquiring the potential rags-to-riches story after Swindell/Arfur's elimination, Garf/Gus were never truly in the running due to the negative tone surrounding the Rogueport rivalry. Parallels to the Robbos' out-of-game gang war, especially when their conflict with Plenn/Thriff received greater focus in Episodes 8-9, would've tainted their edit and made it crystal clear they weren't the winners. Aside from that subplot, Garf/Gus acted as a different sort of comic relief. With his snarky asides and running gags (namely minor injuries, fear of heights, and anti-Mario sentiments), Gus was particularly fun to write.

In unrelated news, I recently visited NYC and visited many touristy landmarks in Manhattan. I researched as much as I could when thinking through logistics for Leg 4, but research pales in comparison to real-life experience. Notable discrepancies that come to mind: Battery Park and the Empire State Building require airport-level security checks; the Nintendo World Store is smaller than I pictured and would definitely keep teams longer due to low foot traffic; and the subway completely trumps taxis. I unfortunately don't have time to rewrite that leg with my experiences in mind, but it's fascinating seeing how well the route would hold up in real life. Now I'm afraid of ever visiting Beijing, haha.

Four galaxies, three teams, two Roadblocks, one final epic leg. Who will win _The Amazing Race_?


End file.
